Texas

April 21, 2013

ON THE ROAD… AGAIN!

Well, my friends, it’s been quite a week, not only for me, but also for the country at large.  Bravo to all my friends in Boston for a job well done… we should have sent the Boston Police after Osama bin Lardass, I mean, bin Laden.  Those Bostonites are the best!   I will never refer to them as “has-beans” again, and the next time the Red Sox play the Yankees I am going to root for…. Hey, I love those Bostonians, but I can’t root against New York!  My son-in-law’s family lives just north of Boston, so as you can imagine, we were all glued to the television set.  Naturally, our thoughts and prayers go out to all of the innocent victims.

And speaking of innocent victims, down here in Texas we had a terrible explosion in the small town of West, which is just north of Austin.  I drove through there the day after the fertilizer plant exploded, and just like in Boston, American heroes were all over the place, helping the wounded, saving lives, etc.  Two very sad events, but both made you proud to be an American.  You know why they’re called “first responders?”

Because they are truly ONE OF A KIND!

I drove up to Dallas this past weekend, and once I got there, I was reminded of another big loss to our collective greatness.  My life-long friend (and one of the finest women in Texas!) is named Miss Holley, and she was a close friend of Pat Summerall’s wife.  Mr. Summerall, as I’m sure you’ve heard, died last week and his funeral service was held on Saturday in “Big D.”  I never met the man, but I am sure going to miss his gentlemanly demeanor and his melodic voice.  Again, he was truly one of a kind.   John Madden delivered an eloquent eulogy, and from what I was told, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

On a lighter note, copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE continue to fly off the shelves!  (To make room for books that sell!)  Just kidding, sales are going quite well, and some important reviews are pending.  I actually gave an impromptu talk to a group of college kids at a Sonic Dive-In last week.  I  ended up selling 10 copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE and 3 copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT!  (Which is all I had in my trunk.)  I guess you could say that business was booming at the Sonic Drive-In.  (Now I know the meaning of a “sonic boom!”)  Next week, my publicist, Black Bart Berkowitz, has me booked at the local Dairy Queen.  I hope all of these ice cream stores appreciate my “good humor!”  (Otherwise, I may have a “melt down.”)

All right, enough with the ice cream jokes!  Tomorrow evening, I meet with my delightful typist, Miss Emily, and whence we meet, I will be giving her the final draft of my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING.  More about this future Pulitzer Prized winner later.  The third “Adam Gold” mystery (DEVIL’S COVE)  is about to be sent to the publisher, so I will also keep you informed of that project.

Any more questions?  I thought not.  Well, it’s been a long day so I need a long neck to save me…..  I shall drink a cold beer to your good fortune, and if you get a chance, you do the same for me!  Love to all… and God Bless the U.S.A.!

Doc Yanoff

April 7, 2013

HEADS OR TALES?

Well, you can have both when you order a copy of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!  There is a colorful head on the cover, (I call it a “skulleton”) and inside you will find a thrilling tale of mayhem, mystery, and murder!  The book, as you have probably surmised, is now available in paperback and on Kindle at Amazon.com!  That’s right, happy days are here again!

Meanwhile, in order to keep THE PRESLEY PLOT front and center, I will soon be embarking on a lengthy book signing/speaking engagement tour, and my first stop will be at the Elvis Presley Birthplace & Community Center in Tupelo, Mississippi.  Yes, my little hound dogs, yours truly will be speaking to the good folks of Tupelo on the weekend of May 11 & 12.  Hopefully, I will also be negotiating a profitable business deal with the gift shop on premises.  (I would like them to feature THE PRESLEY PLOT in the book section.)  Soooo….. if you’re in the area, come on by and say hello.  I will also be judging an “Elvis Look-Alike Contest,” so there should be plenty of levity and some memorable photography.

Shortly after I’m lynched, I mean, lauded, in Tupelo, I leave for my spring book tour in the (not so far) east.  In conjunctivitis with Aberdeen Bay Publishing, I have arranged to make appearances in Baton Rouge, Birmingham, Atlanta, Savannah, and Jacksonville.  Along the way I intend to sample some Southern comfort, and some bourbon, too.

My Dixie Diaspora will continue with a special guest appearance in Boca Raton, Florida.  Whence I arrive in Palm Beach County I will be dining with “The Donald.”  Unfortunately, I am referring to Donald Duck from Disney World, not the guy with the strange hair-do.  The last time I had lunch with Donald Duck I got stuck with the bill. (“The bill?”)

The piece de resistance of my personal and persistent perseverance will be a ten-day period of peace and pleasantness in a perfect playground of pleasure.  (No, not Paraguay.)  The island of St. John!  Now that I am a famous author, I have an entourage, so me and my posse (3 couples) will be heading down to the Caribbean for some R & R.  (Incidentally, the would be “Rest & Rum!”)  While we are there, we intend to soak up some rays, (which is better than stepping on them) snorkel, and consume a prodigious amount of rum.

Writing is brutal, but somebody has to do it!  Besides, one must live for today.  Need I remind you that Austin is number four on Kim Jong-un’s bombing list?  (I blame those damn hippies downtown.)  Little Kim is the son of Kim Jong-il, who I nicknamed “Kim Jong-mentallly-ill.”  The young man, who bears a striking resemblance to the Pillsbury Dough-boy, is a tyrant.  Do not be fooled by his recent meeting with Ambassador Rodman!  Kim Jong-un is not a “Seoul Man!”

But I digress…..  Where was I?  Oh yeah, in the Caribbean.  Well, after I damage my liver, I will make my way back to the Lone Star State and begin marketing book number 3 in the Adam Gold Mystery Series.  (This one is called “DEVIL’S COVE,” and it is set entirely in the state of Texas!)  Naturally, I will keep those cards and letters coming while I am on the road.  Which reminds me….  Did you hear that a truck ran over Willie Nelson’s foot?  Yeah, that’s right, he was “playing on the road again!”  (Ouch!)

Well, take care, have a wonderful week, and remember to duck and cover if Kim starts shooting.  Hopefully, we will meet again next Sunday!   Love to all,

Doc (or should I change my name to “Duck?”) Yanoff.   (I wouldn’t mind the change if I get “top billing!”)

March 31, 2013

GIMME THAT OLD TIME RELIGION!

GOOD MORNING!  PESACH SAMEACH!  HAPPY EASTER!

Verily I say unto thee…  Did you hear about the Jewish gentleman who thought he was a matzah ball?  The psychiatrist told him not to worry, it will “pass over!”  Oy vay, now we’re rolling.  (Which is what some matzah balls do!)  All right, here’s an oldie, but a goodie…

KNOCK KNOCK.

Who’s there?

Matzah.

Matzah who?

“You matzah been a beautiful baby, you matzah been a beautiful… ”

Incidentally, did you know that the above song was written by the great Johnny Mercer, and recorded by Bing Crosby and Bobby Darin?  (Twenty years apart!)

Passover, as many of you know, is the day that Jews commemorate their liberation from slavery in ancient Egypt.  (Yeah, that’s right, we invented slavery, too)  Personally, I have no problem with short-term bondage situations, but that’s just me.  In any case, the Israelites (and their cousins the Stalagmites) were instructed by Charlton Heston, I mean, Moses, to mark the doorposts of their homes with the blood of a slaughtered spring lamb, and upon seeing this, the spirit of the Lord would pass over the first-born in these homes.  My own parents followed this ritual for many years, but before long flies became a problem and the neighbors filed a complaint.  (Anti-semitic bastards!)  Any questions about Passover?

All right, let’s move on to Easter, which is a Christian celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  I’m not an authority on Easter, but I know it is preceded by something called Lint.  Again, I’m not positive, but I believe this is where we get the term “ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”  I think that people who celebrate Easter are often called Easterners.  In any case, just like their Jewish brethren, Christians have some fun customs associated with the holiday.  Easter egg hunting is one of the most popular.  (Rich Christians often hide the whole dang chicken! )  Was that a “fowl” joke?  What can I say, I’m “hen-pecked.”  Where was I?

The Easter bunny has become symbolic of the holiday, and the foundation of a very tantalizing stew.  (Here come the emails from PETA!)  Chill out, you vegetarians.  There are plenty of bunnies (no Playboy jokes, please) and besides, the darn things multiply very quickly.  (They are also good at division.)  Hey, did you know that “vegetarian” is the Navajo world for “bad hunter?”  My wife makes rabbit stew every year.  (The darn stuff is hare today and gone tomorrow!)  By the way, do you know how to make a rabbit stew?  Keep him waiting outside.

Goodness, these jokes are really lame.  Speaking of lame, how did a rabbit’s foot become a lucky charm?  (The poor rabbit wasn’t so lucky.)  I think it’s a barbaric custom.  I carry frog’s legs.  (and a chilled bottle of chablis.)  Hopalong Cassidy did the same thing.  (Finish the joke yourself!)

Well, now that I have hopefully shed some light on our religious holidays, I would like to remind our viewing audience that MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE has recently been published and will soon be available on Amazon.com   (The Kindle Version is actually available now!)  I want to thank each and every one of my 4,375 blog followers for your continued interest and support.  None of these literary accomplishments would have been possible without you!  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and I wish you and your families the very best.  If you happen to be an atheist….. God help you!  (Oops, I’m afraid that won’t be possible.  Sorry, Charlie, you’re on your own!)

Love to all…..   Doc Yanoff.

March 24, 2013

BACK IN THE SADDLE!

HI BUCKEROOS, IT’S SCAMP YANOFF TIME AGAIN… TIME TO SLIDE ONE BY YOU ONCE MORE…

First the BIG NEWS…..  My second “Adam Gold Mystery Novel,” titled MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, is ready for publication and will be available in the very near future!  We completed the final book cover design yesterday, and as you will see, the good folks at Aberdeen Bay Press did a fantastic job.  In my humble opinion, the cover is simply awesome.  (Except for my mug on the back!)  I will, of course, let you know when it is available for purchase on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, etc.

A lot has happened in our world since last Sunday, so why don’t we take a moment and play “catch-up?”  (I didn’t have a chance to post a blog last week.)  Well, as they say, “where there’s smoke there’s….. a new Pope!”  I wonder if that’s where the term “Holy Smoke” comes from?  Congratulations to Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio, an Argentine, who will now be known as Pope Francis.  The Argentines were understandably emotional, so His Holiness told them…..  “Don’t cry for me, Argentina!”  (You can’t make this stuff up!)  I feel bad that the Pope can’t marry.  I have been in a monotonous relationship for 35 years, and I am quite numb, I mean, happy.  Of course, there are many bonds that keep us together.  (Savings bonds, Government bonds, Municipal bonds, etc.)

Looks like Carnival Cruise Lines had another smelly week.  I pity the poor folks that were recently on the “Carnival Dream,” which should be re-named the “Carnival Nightmare.”   As you might know, the ship lost power temporarily and the halls filled up with….. well, human waste.  (No, not the incompetent crew.)  Carnival Cruises now has a new slogan…  “Howdy Doody!”   (Peyew, that joke stinks!)

What do you folks think about all of those pigs that a Chinese farmer admitted dumping into the Huangpu River?  (6,000 porkers!)  The pigs were pulled out of the water, cooked and shredded, and served to tourists from Arkansas!  (Those razorbacks just love “pulled pork.”)  At first I thought the story was “hog wash,” but now I’m not so sure.  If I close my beautiful brown eyes, I can almost see Sum Yung Guy (the farmer) standing on the bank of a levee.  (Why would they open a bank on a levee?)  Anyway, I can see him humming Stephen Foster’s famous song, “Way down upon the Swine-ee Riber… ”

Incidentally, did you know that Stephen Foster, “The Father of American Music,” was raised by a “foster family?”  Duh.  To be perfectly honest, the man was a genius.  (Even though, sadly, he died a pauper at the age of 37.)  During his short lifetime, he wrote…  “Oh! Susanna,” “Camptown Races,” “Old Folks at Home,” “Jeanie With The Light Brown Hair,” and my personal favorite, “Beautiful Dreamer.”  (My theme song, incidentally!)

Since I completely missed St. Patrick’s Day, I would like to offer a belated greeting to all of my Irish friends.  (Including a gal named Patricia Eileen McCloskey!)  I’ve always admired St. Patrick, even though he drove the snakes out of Ireland.  (Hey, family comes first to “The Cobra!”)  I’ve always wondered how he drove the snakes off of an island.  How big was his car?  I wonder if he drove a Dodge Viper?  Well, as they say in County Cork…..  “Here’s to a long life and a merry one.  A quick death and an easy one.  A pretty girl and an honest one.  A cold pint – and another one!”   Erin adjust your bragh!

Finally, I would like to mention that my friend, Larry Brill, a semi-famous television personality in Austin, has a new book coming out in early April.  The book is titled, “Live@Five,” and it is a very good read, so look for it on Amazon.com in the weeks ahead.  (Larry was the producer of “Writing Across Texas,” the show that I co-hosted for a few years.)

Remember, dear ones, you are never too old to learn something stupid.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit….. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. This masterly prose is dedicated to a masterpiece of a person, my sweet sister-in-law, Kathy Johnston.

 

 

March 10, 2013

DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE!

OOPS, TOO LATE… NOW YOU HAVE TO READ MY ENTIRE BLOG POST…

SO….. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or smart phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?  Well, almost no one.  CNN reports that there are 500 “sightings” per month, but alas, most are aircraft (earthly ones) or weather balloons.  I recently read that both Jimmy Carter and Dennis Kucinich are among the political class who swear to have seen a UFO.  Somehow, this does not surprise me.  I always wondered where their “home districts” really were.

Of course, there is another explanation… perhaps our intergalactic visitors have been furloughed due to the sequester?  Takes a lot of fuel to go from Mars to Earth, and then there are the tolls.  Not an easy trip.  (The AAA map weighs 75 pounds!)

Well, in any case, I am not interested in heading north.  No sir, my motto this week was “Go west, young man!”  Heeding the words of Horace Greeley, I packed up the old Ford pickup and drove west, bound for a sold-out book signing/speaking engagement in the lovely town of Wimberley, Texas.  (No, I did not go to Wimberley on a whim!)

I was actually invited, and I must admit, Wimberley is quite whimsical in a wonderful way.  (Whew!)  This was not my first trip to the lovely burgh, but the last time I was there I went swimming in the famous “blue hole,” a charming, spring-fed spot on Cypress Creek.  If you haven’t seen this little gem, you owe it to yourself to take a drive out yonder.  (If you go in April, you will see some truly amazing fields of Texas wildflowers.)  Did you know that they named a flower after Dennis Rodman?  (It’s called a “bloomin’ idiot!”)

So what else is new…..  Well, last night we celebrated not one, but two birthdays!  Miss Barbara (Talbott) and Miss Patty (Yanoff) reached an important milestone.  (Actually, they are both several miles down the road, if you know what I mean.)  Together with a large crowd of well-wishers (led by Judge Susan, and Helena and Lee Bomblatus) we ate, drank, made merry.  (Merry was our waitress.)  Thank God she didn’t complain about my tip.  Geez, that would have been embarrassing!

During the birthday festivities, Judge Susan gave me a box of cheese pockets from a famous Dallas bakery (No, I will NOT post the name…. the lines are getting too long!) and as I peck away, I am devouring the last tender morsels of my morning treat.  Bless you, Susan.

I will be sharing a beer or two with Larry Brill on Tuesday, so if you would like to meet this (semi) famous television personality, or learn about his forthcoming literary efforts, drop by North by Northwest around 5 p.m.  (We should still be erect by then.)

After my sterling (make that silver-plated) performance at the poker table last week, I will be putting my title on the line this evening…. as I play in another W.S.O.P. tournament, challenged, as it were, by a host of pretenders-to-the-throne.  Knaves!  Varmints!  Visigoths!  (What the hell is that?)  Do these fools really think they can beat the mighty COBRA?   Have they read THE PRESLEY PLOT?  Have they read MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE?   (I couldn’t think of any other way to get the book titles into the blog.)  Never mind, those are just rhetorical questions.

I will leave you with a thought I recently had.  As I was driving back from Wimberly, I spotted a herd of cattle.  Have you heard of cattle?  I digress… So as I’m driving down the highway, I says to myself, “Steve, I says, who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out.’ ”   Now there’s a fellow I’d like to meet.  (Need I mention that he had a “lot of pull?”)  Got Milk?

Well, I must run… another grueling day of writing, eating, drinking, and poker awaits the mighty Cobra!  I hope everyone has a great week….   don’t forget to set your clocks ahead or back, depending on your political persuasion.  Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

 

 

March 8, 2013

THE COBRA IS KING!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE…..  I THOUGHT ELVIS WAS THE KING??

Well, as it turns out, Elvis was the king of rock ‘n’ roll, but THE MIGHTY COBRA is now the king of poker!  Ladies and gentlemen, modesty prevents me from talking about myself, so I’ve decided to write a 10-page blog about my recent accomplishment.  Wait!  Don’t leave!  I was just kidding!  (I think I can adequately describe my victory in 5 or 6 full length pages.)  Then again, the goal is not to put my blog followers to sleep, so perhaps I shall present the abbreviated version of my glorious victory…..

Last night, poker history was made (up) when yours truly, playing professional poker as the dreaded COBRA, slithered back upon his throne, capturing FIRST PLACE at the Main Event of the W.S.O.P.  (Waterloo Series Of Poker)  The venue, located just south of Las Vegas, was filled with the world’s best poker players, representing every crook and cranny, I mean nook and cranny, in this great card playing country of ours.  Why there were people from all 51 states, 12 European nations, two third-world countries, and Arkansas!  Yes sir, that joint was jumpin’!

For those of you that care (mainly my relatives) the going was tough, but as you know, when the going gets tough, the tough get lucky.  I can tell you one thing, they do not make men like me any more.  (Thank God.)  I managed to survive the first round by getting an ace-high flush on the flop.  (Unfortunately for Miss Kathleen, a/k/a “Mean Kathleen The Poker Machine,” she also had a flush, but a lower one.)  I was catapulted onto the final table (actually, I tripped) by winning a huge pot from one of the great poker stars of Texas…..  Ms. Sharon “Bad Barth” Barth.  Sharon had a good hand, but I “rivered” a full house…..  kings over tens!

The final table, now covered in cold, hard cash, spilled beer, and dabs of ketchup, was a real doozy.  As some of you know, they bring the cash out in a wheelbarrow, surrounded by scantily clad, voluptuous young ladies.  (All of them virgins.)  Well, maybe not all of them.  Anyway, when the smoke cleared (the dealer was also dealing marijuana) there were three of us left standing.  All right, we were sitting, but you get the point.  Surrounded by lights, cameras, and action (I told you they weren’t all virgins) the Cobra dispatched a young gun named “Billy The Kidder.”  (I made a straight on the river!)  That pot, believe it or not, contained about $400,000 in chips!  The young lad kept calling my bets, but the old snake taught him a good lesson about respecting one’s elders.  The final hand of the night, saw the mighty Cobra win another huge pot ($600,000 in chips!) when he was blessed with TWO KINGS in the hole, and triumphed over his opponent’s straight draw.

Sooooooo……  as you can see, our little tale is truly about TWO KINGS…… Elvis and me, and those lovely cards!  Now that I am filthy rich (some say just filthy) I intend to slow down and enjoy life.  Sadly, I realized that I was already retired and completely slowed down, so I have to come up with another game plan.  If you have any ideas about jobs or work, please keep them to yourself.  (The doctor said no stress.)  I shall, as they say, muddle through on my own.  Speaking of muddling….. did you know that on this very day, in 1956, Elvis Presley (The subject of that famous mystery novel, THE PRESLEY PLOT) received his second speeding ticket in Memphis, Tennessee?

I am debating whether to conclude this blog.  To be honest, I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not so sure…..

Before I leave, I wish to thank the eminent Dr. Max Talbott for his thoughtful gift… a renewal subscription of my favorite magazine, GARDEN  & GUN!  If you folks want to read a truly marvelous magazine, then this one is for you.  Every article is well written and extremely informative.  Thanks, buddy!

In leaving, I would suggest that you take my advice about filling out medical forms.  When you are wasting away in the doctor’s office, filling out an application for the tenth time, and you come to the place where it says, “Who should we notify in case of an emergency?” ……….  write in “THE DOCTOR!”    (If nothing else, you will receive a free sample of Prozac.)

Enjoy your weekend….   love to all….

Doc Yanoff

February 13, 2013

YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE HEART!

ALL YOU REALLY NEED IS HEART!  WHEN THE ODDS ARE SAYIN’ YOU’LL NEVER WIN, THAT’S WHEN THE GRIN SHOULD START!  (YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE HEART!)

As most of you know, these are the lyrics to “You gotta have Heart,” a wonderful tune from the Broadway show, DAMN YANKEES.  (I myself have often been called this name!)  Nonetheless, the song was written by Richard Adler, who I had the pleasure of meeting when I was a fledging playwright in New York City.  (After a few tough years, I became a “fleeting” playwright!)  The great Mr. Adler (who passed away in 2012) also composed tunes for The Pajama Game.  So…. I think the above melody is rather appropriate for tomorrow’s holiday, and on “that note” I shall now wish all of my blog followers an early (but sincere) HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

I know I’m a little quick on the draw (so was Rembrandt) but I will be VERY busy tomorrow and probably too exhausted to write a clever blog.  As you can imagine, a man in my position (usually horizontal) receives thousands of cards and letters from female women of the opposite sex on Valentine’s Day.  (All right, maybe not thousands.)  However, due to my undeniable charm and modesty, the ladies are quite fond of me and insist on sending me chocolates and flowers.  (Occasionally, chocolate flowers, too.)  No doubt I will be on the phone (speaking to old flames) most of the day, so I will take this opportunity to share some thoughts with thee……

Did you know that more than 1 billion Valentine’s Day greeting cards are sent out each year?  (Most are sent to some mystery writer in Austin.)  Hey, I’m a real card.

Women purchase 85 percent of all Valentine’s Day cards.  (Oddly enough, 85% of the ones I receive are also from women.)   Don’t ask about the others.  None of your business.

Valentine’s Day is named in honor of St. Valentine, a Roman martyr.  (Anyone who dates a lot is definitely a martyr in my book!)  The old boy died in prison, but before he left earth, he left the jailer’s daughter a sweet note….. which he signed, “From Your Valentine.”  (True story)   Thus began a wonderful tradition, and a way for the Hallmark Card Company to make a very tidy profit.  Had St. Valentine been Jewish (well, it’s possible) there would be no holiday.  Jewish people cannot be kept in jail.  (They eat “locks!”)  Oy vay, what an old joke!

Finally, just in case you ever get on the show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”……….  here is some final worthless trivia………. Cupid (the dude with the bow and arrow) is often associated with Valentine’s Day because he was the son of Venus.  (The Roman goddess of love and beauty.)  Hence, the modern expression that “men are from Mars, women are from Venus.”    I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I do not like the fact that we are named after a candy bar.  (Ever if we are sweet and gooey from time to time!)

Actually, there was another “Mars.”  (The Roman god of war.)  His festival was held in March, which as you can see, was sort of named after him.  Since Valentine’s Day is celebrated in February (except in Arkansas, which only recognizes ten of the months) we see that once again, women have dominated the calendar and always come first.  Ah well, such is life.  (Just for the record, but do NOT share this with any chick, January in named after Janus (a guy god) in Roman mythology.  So we are numero uno again!

I just realized that we are discussing “misters” and “myths.”    (How funny.)

Well, students, that’s about enough of this stuff for one day.  I do hope that each and every one of you finds love tomorrow.  (or the day after.)  I would advise all of my faithful blog followers to remember the lyrics of another great song……….   “If you can’t be with the one you love, and there are no witnesses or security cameras, love the one you’re with.”  ***

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!     Love to all,  Doc Yanoff

 

*** “Love The One You’re With”    (Music by Stephen Stills.  Lyrics by Bill Clinton.)

February 10, 2013

IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!

PLEASE NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS A GREAT DEAL OF EMBELLISHMENT AND EXAGGERATION.  (Both of which fall under the purview of “Literary License.”)

WELL, IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT….. (Make that a hot and sunny day) whence our little ocean-going vessel limped along the Mosquito Coast of Central America, bound for the silver mines (tourist shops) of Cozumel, Mexico.  Our intrepid captain, Lorenzo Ronzoni, (formerly of Costa Cruise Line) gave the order to drop anchor (sadly without checking that we were already tied to the pier) and then we went ashore, searching for the Lost City of Gold!

We arrived in Mexico after our “Bungle in the Jungle,” which saw one of our shipmates attacked and bitten by a hostile simian, not to be confused with an angry Syrian.  The little monkey bit our compadre on the arm, and being a kind and gentle bunch of global-warming, rain-forest saving, nerds, we blew his head off.  (Not our compadre’s head, the monkey’s head!)  Just kidding.  We are American citizens.  We know what to do in these situations.  (We immediately filed a ten million dollar lawsuit!)

After trekking through the jungles of Honduras, we snuck across the border and found ourselves in Belize.  Unfortunately, the authorities also found us.  Who knew you needed a passport to enter a foreign country?  Anyway, we made our way to Belize City, and then realized that we had missed our dive and snorkel boat to the infamous “Blue Hole.”  (Who knew they actually had a schedule?)  I blamed my travel companions, and of course, they blamed me, so we returned to our “mother ship,” and consoled ourselves with a bucket of cold beer and more rum.

At this juncture, I might add that one of my companions was Judge Susan Marquess, of Austin, Texas.  Her honor happens to be celebrating her 39th birthday today, so on behalf of our expeditionary group, I would like to wish her a very happy birthday.  (Thank goodness we had a lawyer and judge in our party.  We were able to post some very reasonable bonds throughout our voyage.)

Some bonds are broken, and so are some bones!  I am happy to report that Barbara Talbott, the reigning poker champion of Honduras, only suffered a broken middle toe during her recent encounter with a Mayan pyramid.  Funny how fast some folks can run when they think they are being chased by a jaguar.  (Or a Mercedes.)  The “Princess of Poker”  (Her Mayan name) will be wearing a customized toe cast for six weeks, but after that, she will only have a slight limp for the rest of her natural life.  (A small price to pay for such a wonderful jungle adventure!)

Incidentally, Dr. Max Talbott has fully recovered from a nasty bout of Somnus Maximus.  (Sleeping Disease.)  Apparently, the dreaded illness was NOT a result of an insect bite…. but the result of a prodigious consumption of Ten Cane Rum.  Whew!  For a while we thought he was a goner.  Now that he has fully recovered (we think) I can tell you that we had already made final plans for the poor lad.  (I contacted the very best taxidermist in Belize.)  The idea was to stuff Max and put him on permanent display at the Blanton Museum in Austin.  (Max loves being around art.)

You might be interested to know, that just like last year, I had an evening visit from one of the local terrorist groups in Mexico.  Once again, I was forced to entertain a small band of masked baditos (or banditti, if you prefer) and as always, I was able to convince the poor outlaws that I had no denero.  (Turns out they wanted  Robert DeNiro, not money.)  They were the first autograph hunter/banditos in the region.  Odd group of outlaws, if you ask me.  (One of them wore glasses and had his/her nose sticking out of the sheet slot which was slit in the sheet sort of south of the smiling section of the silky satin sleeping sack.)  TRY SAYING THAT TEN TIMES IN A ROW!

For those of you who do not like tongue twisters, here are some facts about our recent voyage……   We traveled a total distance of 2,417 miles.  (Mostly upon the water.)  Our average ship speed was 18 knots.  Our average walking speed was .005 miles per hour.  Average nap time…..  64.8 minutes.  Average consumption of alcohol and drugs (Codeine)….. undetermined.

Finally, I would like to thank all of the people who purchased a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT during the past two weeks.  Your generosity has now made the book an INTERNATIONAL BEST SELLER.  I can tell you that I actually saw my book in the ship’s library, and that many folks in Central America are now reading THE PRESLEY PLOT and are anxiously awaiting the release of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  (This includes many of the local citizens of Honduras, Belize, and Mexico, and a large number of jungle guerillas (NOT gorillas!) drug cartel members, federales, I.R.S. fugitives, and deposed dictators.  (One cannot be too choosey about one’s readership.)

It will take a while to get this fantastic voyage out of my system (even with the antibiotics) so I will write again soon, whence I am fully recovered from my bout with pokus defeatus.  (Poker losses.)  Until then, it is wonderful to be home, back in the good old U.S.A.   I missed clean water, indoor toilets, and well-behaved monkeys. (Our elected officials.)  Take care, and they say in down south (far down south)….

Vaya con dios, no horda la Kaopectate!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff    (Senor Jugador Malo)

P.S.  A word to the wise……  NEVER play Texas Hold ‘Em (or MONOPOLY) with the Corpus Christi Crusher.  Yeah, she’s that good!

January 28, 2013

THE COBRA STRIKES! (AND OTHER JUNGLE TALES)

MY FELLOW AMERICANS…..  (AND WORLD-WIDE FOLLOWERS)

Monday morning blues?     Down to your shoes?     You should go on a cruise.     Drink some booze.     Play some poker.     Try not to lose.     (In fact, this is precisely what I intend to do this coming Saturday!)  AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF POKER……

Those of you who read Sports Illustrated, The New York Times, or belong to Gambler’s Anonymous, know that yesterday was the CENTRAL TEXAS WATERLOO POKER INVITATIONAL CELEBRITY PRO/AM POKER TOURNAMENT & BEER GUZZLING FESTIVAL.   My friends, this was quite a tournament.  Many of the world’s (all right, Austin’s) best poker players showed up, loaded for bear, as my grand-pappy used to say.  As I have previously stated, this was by “invitation only,” which means that you had to qualify for the tournament by having a certain number of points in your over-all rating.

I am VERY proud to tell you that after reviewing the player’s board, I spotted the names of EVERY graduate of the C.P.A.   (Cobra Poker Academy.)    That’s right, dear ones, the names were up in lights, posted for all the world to see…..   Barbara Talbott  (The Dragon Slayer)….. Max Talbott  (The Maxi-nator)…..  Susan Marquess  (The Legal Eagle)….. and Patricia Yanoff…..  (The Corpus Christi Crusher)   My goodness, the place was filled with poker greats!   (Incredibly, even two famous local pros showed up…..  Sharon (Sharp-shooter) Francia and Sharon Barth, also known in Las Vegas as “Bad Barth.”   As usual, the Sharons played outstanding poker.   Unfortunately, only two academy players could make the actual tournament, and one of them, (an attractive woman) got knocked out early……   By going “all in” with a full house and losing to….. FOUR FOURS!    (OH, THE PAIN OF IT ALL!)

HOWEVER……   (Now we come to my favorite part of the blog)    Yours truly, The Mighty Cobra, had his fangs on full display throughout the tournament of champions…. and as you have probably guessed by now…..I slithered my way into the FINAL TABLE, which was covered, covered I say, in cash and potato chips!  Well, as fate would have it, I played brilliantly, cheated seldom, and managed to outlast a tremendous group of talented players…. making it to the FINAL TWO PLAYERS GOING HEAD TO HEAD!!

(Just for the record, our heads were not touching.)   Head to head is a poker phrase.  We were actually sitting across from each other.

Anyway, we played mano a mano for several hours!  (Actually, twenty minutes, but the hours thing sounds better)   In truth, it was not mana a mano, but mano a womano.  (I was battling the enchanting Miss Elsa for the title.)   Well, amazingly, we finally got too tired to see the cards, so we decided to split the pot evenly.  (We both walked away with a HUGE amount of money and stale potato chips.)   However, since points is points, I must, for the sake of accuracy tell you that we played one final hand to see who would get what points.   (Here is where the story becomes a Greek Tragedy)   I’ve got a king and a nine of spades, and Miss Elsa has a jack and a ten.  So what happens?  Not one, but two damn jacks show up!   Needless to say, I was singing “Hit The Road Jack,” but to no avail.  However, my SECOND PLACE finish was to be celebrated, as this was the largest turnout of the poker season and attracted well over 100 top players.

In case you are feeling sorry for me, I should tell you that I consoled myself with an elaborate Indian feast at Tarka after the tournament.  The food was, as always, fantastic!  If you haven’t been to the West Anderson location, you don’t know what you’re missing.  All I can say is Yum-Yum.  If you go, mention my poker name, The Cobra, and you will get free napkins.

Well, my dear blog followers, I hope I have provided a pleasant start for your week.  Be happy that you are not up in New York.  My brother told me it was ten degrees below zero last week!

How cold did it get, you ask?  My brother saw a chicken crossing the street with a capon!    (cape on?)

Love to all……

 

Doc Yanoff