August 25, 2013

THE KING IS DEAD….. ANOTHER ONE GONE!

First, it was Elvis Presley, who died on August 16, and now we have lost the King of crime novelists, Elmore Leonard. Needless to say, I was a huge fan, and more than that, a student of the “Elmore Leonard School of Writing.” Mr. Leonard was born in 1925, in New Orleans, which undoubtedly provided an early introduction to colorful and unsavory characters. (His second choice was Washington, D.C.)

One of the things that fascinated me most about this man was his earliest writings, which were not crime-related, but Westerns! Did you know that he wrote “Valdez Is Coming,” “Hombre,” “The Bounty Hunters,” and “3:10 to Yuma?” After the western lost popularity, he began to write crime-based books, and I understand that he did quite well!

Sometimes called “The Dickens of Detroit,” (his hometown) Leonard was famous for his sparse writing, and the best advice he gave to beginning writers was this: “Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.” Wise words from a wise man. There will never be another quite like him, but let’s face it, I’m pretty darn close. (Hey, he only sold 150,000,000 more books than me.)

So what else is new? Well, in connection with two new mystery novels that I’m working on, I have been spending some time at the gun range, trying out some weaponry that I may let Adam Gold use in his upcoming adventures. (No, I didn’t go off “half-cocked” and I don’t think I’m a “big shot” either.) Always good to know what a weapon feels like before your main character starts blasting away. (The bazooka was too cumbersome and heavy as hell!)

Playing under the nom de plume (or non de plum if you prefer fruit) of “The Mighty Cobra,” I managed to extend my poker legend by placing 2nd. in last week’s poker tournament, which I dubbed “Venom & Denim.” I wound up at the final table through a combination of skill, luck, and cheating. Nonetheless, my second place finish garnered a huge cash payout…… and even better, I won a copy of my own damn book! (THE PRESLEY PLOT) Now I actually have to read the darn thing!

Judge Susan is coming over this afternoon for a pool party, and I am quite excited because I heard her and Patty talking about wearing thongs outside. Never a dull moment around here! If things work out (or off) I will post some inappropriate photographs on Facebook. (God, I hope they weren’t talking about flip-flops.)

Well, dear friends, I must leave you now. Time to skim the pool and install the film in the underwater camera. (We shall see what “develops!”) After the party is over, I’ll sneak outside, and if I get caught, I’ll just say that I was…… “removing some film from the pool!” Yeah, I know, I need a job.

Love to all!

Doc Yanoff

June 3, 2013

THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS…

EXCEPT FOR POLITICS….. I sail off to the Caribbean for 10 short days and the world falls apart! Looks like our illustrious A.G, Eric Holder is in big trouble. (I call him Eric “With-Holder”) Apparently the I.R.S. is also in deep do-do. The “Gilligan’s Island” video was the straw that broke the camels back. (I hope that’s not an offensive term to Islamic terrorists.) Serves the bandits right, taxing my hard-earned royalty checks. They even sent me a nasty letter last year, refusing to believe that I paid my taxes late because somebody stole my identity. (You know what really hurt? The son of a gun returned my identity and said he didn’t want to be me! He must have been a book reviewer.)

Speaking of show business…… I just got back from a little book signing gig. I was signing copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE for senior citizens at Mizner Park in Boca Raton. (I ended up giving away more books than I sold, but only because the old folks were so sweet, and my mother was watching!) I wonder if Elmore Leonard started like this? Hmmm.

And since we’re still on the subject of show business….. My dear, sweet friend, and fellow cruiser, Judge Susan Marquess, recently shared some wonderful news with me… her multi-talented son, Tyler, was just nominated for an EMMY AWARD by the National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences! (Tyler is the Line Producer of “Let’s Make A Deal.”) Hopefully, he will receive the EMMY on June 16, during the 40th Annual Daytime Entertainment Awards Ceremony. We will all be rooting for him, especially Uncle Steve who is also in show business, and very popular on certain beaches in the Caribbean.

Speaking of beaches….. I will soon be describing (in vivid detail!) and with plenty of adjectives, some of the hair-raising snorkel adventures that our crew undertook on the desolate and remote island of St. John! (Which was actually packed with tourists, but that sounds wimpy.) Stay tuned, you will love my shark story, the avocado tale, and the incredible snorkeling sisters, Tonya & Shannon! Most of what you will read will be factual, and the rest will be highly imaginative fiction worthy of a Pulitzer Prize!

Our flight back to Florida was smooth as silk, except for the little snag we encountered at “Customs,” on St. Thomas. A certain member of our party tried to smuggle out two DEAD iguanas! (Don’t ask.) The custom’s officer politely refused to let the smelly creatures out of the country. He told the would-be smuggler that airline policy clearly stated “one carrion per passenger!” Leapin’ lizards, that was a really bad joke! (Some might call it a “reptile dysfunction!”)

Well, on that note I shall take my leave of thee. I have to start packing for the long ride back to Texas. (With book signing stops in Tallahassee, Mobile, New Orleans, and Beaumont.) Hopefully, I won’t run out of books or be offered too many out-of-town checks! The next time we meet, I shall be back in the lovely Hill Country of Austin! Be it ever so humble…..

Be well, pay your taxes, and have a wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

March 10, 2013

DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE!

OOPS, TOO LATE… NOW YOU HAVE TO READ MY ENTIRE BLOG POST…

SO….. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or smart phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Well, almost no one. CNN reports that there are 500 “sightings” per month, but alas, most are aircraft (earthly ones) or weather balloons. I recently read that both Jimmy Carter and Dennis Kucinich are among the political class who swear to have seen a UFO. Somehow, this does not surprise me. I always wondered where their “home districts” really were.

Of course, there is another explanation… perhaps our intergalactic visitors have been furloughed due to the sequester? Takes a lot of fuel to go from Mars to Earth, and then there are the tolls. Not an easy trip. (The AAA map weighs 75 pounds!)

Well, in any case, I am not interested in heading north. No sir, my motto this week was “Go west, young man!” Heeding the words of Horace Greeley, I packed up the old Ford pickup and drove west, bound for a sold-out book signing/speaking engagement in the lovely town of Wimberley, Texas. (No, I did not go to Wimberley on a whim!)

I was actually invited, and I must admit, Wimberley is quite whimsical in a wonderful way. (Whew!) This was not my first trip to the lovely burgh, but the last time I was there I went swimming in the famous “blue hole,” a charming, spring-fed spot on Cypress Creek. If you haven’t seen this little gem, you owe it to yourself to take a drive out yonder. (If you go in April, you will see some truly amazing fields of Texas wildflowers.) Did you know that they named a flower after Dennis Rodman? (It’s called a “bloomin’ idiot!”)

So what else is new….. Well, last night we celebrated not one, but two birthdays! Miss Barbara (Talbott) and Miss Patty (Yanoff) reached an important milestone. (Actually, they are both several miles down the road, if you know what I mean.) Together with a large crowd of well-wishers (led by Judge Susan, and Helena and Lee Bomblatus) we ate, drank, made merry. (Merry was our waitress.) Thank God she didn’t complain about my tip. Geez, that would have been embarrassing!

During the birthday festivities, Judge Susan gave me a box of cheese pockets from a famous Dallas bakery (No, I will NOT post the name…. the lines are getting too long!) and as I peck away, I am devouring the last tender morsels of my morning treat. Bless you, Susan.

I will be sharing a beer or two with Larry Brill on Tuesday, so if you would like to meet this (semi) famous television personality, or learn about his forthcoming literary efforts, drop by North by Northwest around 5 p.m. (We should still be erect by then.)

After my sterling (make that silver-plated) performance at the poker table last week, I will be putting my title on the line this evening…. as I play in another W.S.O.P. tournament, challenged, as it were, by a host of pretenders-to-the-throne. Knaves! Varmints! Visigoths! (What the hell is that?) Do these fools really think they can beat the mighty COBRA? Have they read THE PRESLEY PLOT? Have they read MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE? (I couldn’t think of any other way to get the book titles into the blog.) Never mind, those are just rhetorical questions.

I will leave you with a thought I recently had. As I was driving back from Wimberly, I spotted a herd of cattle. Have you heard of cattle? I digress… So as I’m driving down the highway, I says to myself, “Steve, I says, who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out.’ ” Now there’s a fellow I’d like to meet. (Need I mention that he had a “lot of pull?”) Got Milk?

Well, I must run… another grueling day of writing, eating, drinking, and poker awaits the mighty Cobra! I hope everyone has a great week…. don’t forget to set your clocks ahead or back, depending on your political persuasion. Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

March 8, 2013

THE COBRA IS KING!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE….. I THOUGHT ELVIS WAS THE KING??

Well, as it turns out, Elvis was the king of rock ‘n’ roll, but THE MIGHTY COBRA is now the king of poker! Ladies and gentlemen, modesty prevents me from talking about myself, so I’ve decided to write a 10-page blog about my recent accomplishment. Wait! Don’t leave! I was just kidding! (I think I can adequately describe my victory in 5 or 6 full length pages.) Then again, the goal is not to put my blog followers to sleep, so perhaps I shall present the abbreviated version of my glorious victory…..

Last night, poker history was made (up) when yours truly, playing professional poker as the dreaded COBRA, slithered back upon his throne, capturing FIRST PLACE at the Main Event of the W.S.O.P. (Waterloo Series Of Poker) The venue, located just south of Las Vegas, was filled with the world’s best poker players, representing every crook and cranny, I mean nook and cranny, in this great card playing country of ours. Why there were people from all 51 states, 12 European nations, two third-world countries, and Arkansas! Yes sir, that joint was jumpin’!

For those of you that care (mainly my relatives) the going was tough, but as you know, when the going gets tough, the tough get lucky. I can tell you one thing, they do not make men like me any more. (Thank God.) I managed to survive the first round by getting an ace-high flush on the flop. (Unfortunately for Miss Kathleen, a/k/a “Mean Kathleen The Poker Machine,” she also had a flush, but a lower one.) I was catapulted onto the final table (actually, I tripped) by winning a huge pot from one of the great poker stars of Texas….. Ms. Sharon “Bad Barth” Barth. Sharon had a good hand, but I “rivered” a full house….. kings over tens!

The final table, now covered in cold, hard cash, spilled beer, and dabs of ketchup, was a real doozy. As some of you know, they bring the cash out in a wheelbarrow, surrounded by scantily clad, voluptuous young ladies. (All of them virgins.) Well, maybe not all of them. Anyway, when the smoke cleared (the dealer was also dealing marijuana) there were three of us left standing. All right, we were sitting, but you get the point. Surrounded by lights, cameras, and action (I told you they weren’t all virgins) the Cobra dispatched a young gun named “Billy The Kidder.” (I made a straight on the river!) That pot, believe it or not, contained about $400,000 in chips! The young lad kept calling my bets, but the old snake taught him a good lesson about respecting one’s elders. The final hand of the night, saw the mighty Cobra win another huge pot ($600,000 in chips!) when he was blessed with TWO KINGS in the hole, and triumphed over his opponent’s straight draw.

Sooooooo…… as you can see, our little tale is truly about TWO KINGS…… Elvis and me, and those lovely cards! Now that I am filthy rich (some say just filthy) I intend to slow down and enjoy life. Sadly, I realized that I was already retired and completely slowed down, so I have to come up with another game plan. If you have any ideas about jobs or work, please keep them to yourself. (The doctor said no stress.) I shall, as they say, muddle through on my own. Speaking of muddling….. did you know that on this very day, in 1956, Elvis Presley (The subject of that famous mystery novel, THE PRESLEY PLOT) received his second speeding ticket in Memphis, Tennessee?

I am debating whether to conclude this blog. To be honest, I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure…..

Before I leave, I wish to thank the eminent Dr. Max Talbott for his thoughtful gift… a renewal subscription of my favorite magazine, GARDEN & GUN! If you folks want to read a truly marvelous magazine, then this one is for you. Every article is well written and extremely informative. Thanks, buddy!

In leaving, I would suggest that you take my advice about filling out medical forms. When you are wasting away in the doctor’s office, filling out an application for the tenth time, and you come to the place where it says, “Who should we notify in case of an emergency?” ………. write in “THE DOCTOR!” (If nothing else, you will receive a free sample of Prozac.)

Enjoy your weekend…. love to all….

Doc Yanoff

March 3, 2013

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

Hey, that sounds like the title of a new mystery novel. As a matter fact, it is the title of a new mystery novel! That’s right, folks, book number two in the “Adam Gold Mystery Series” will soon be available to the general public. Due to popular demand (my mother) the publisher is moving forward with a mid-March release date! Naturally I will contact you via our blog when the book is available on Amazon.com, but you shouldn’t have long to wait, as we made great progress this week on the cover design.

Fortunately, I was lucky enough to find a wonderful business model. (Her name is Helga. I think she’s from one of the Scandinavian countries….. she keeps saying “Nor-way” when I ask for a massage.) Not to brag, but back in the day, she was a centerfold in Popular Mechanics Magazine.

THE PRESLEY PLOT (book number one in the series) continues to garner rave reviews and sales have been quite good. If you log onto “Amazon Book Clubs” you will see that the book is one of the best-selling new mysteries of the year! While you are there, check out the reviews!

AND NOW FOR SOME OTHER NEWS….. When I’m not writing mystery novels, I like to play poker, but as of late there is a new poker champion in our family. Once again, the mighty Cobra (my poker name) was defeated by this up-and-coming poker star….. The Corpus Christi Crusher! (a/k/a Patty Yanoff) Last Thursday the Crusher won first place in another tournament! (In so doing, she has now pushed us into a higher tax category…. fortunately, I have stopped paying all taxes.)

Incidentally, both Patty and my sweet mother, Hazel Yanoff, celebrated birthdays this past week. Both ladies turned 39 (I only repeat what I’m told) and both celebrated with elaborate dinners and lots of gifts. If I had been in Boca Raton, I would have taken my mom to her favorite restaurant, The Golden Arches. (a/k/a McDonald’s)

If she keeps eating hamburgers and french fries she’s going to get stuck between the arch! Nevertheless, Mom is actually 87 years old, so she’s entitled to do whatever the hell she wants to do!

As some of you know, I recently received word that our blog is now in the top 10% of all new blogs for 2012! According to the folks who keep track of such matters, our blog is now in 43 different countries (not counting Arkansas) and we have approximately 3,700 followers! Wow, what can I say except Thank You! None of these accomplishments would have been possible without your loyal support and continued interest. (I intend to take each and every one of you to Hollywood with me!)

In closing, I would like to run something by you…… another one of my deep thoughts….. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests??? Don’t groin, I mean groan, just think about it. Send your replies (with some money) to P.O. Box 1600, Washington, D.C. (They need the loot more than I do!)

Have a wonderful and safe week….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 27, 2013

BINGLE….. BANGLE….. BUNGLE…..

I REALLY LOVE THE JUNGLE! Believe it or not, these were the opening lyrics to a popular song of the 1930’s. (The second verse was….”Bongo Bongo Bongo, I don’t want to leave the Congo!) If you ask me, these verses were sinfully bad. One might say “vice verses.” It would certainly be difficult to get much verse. By the way, I know a lot about versailles because I went to musical school in upstate New York. (Sing Sing) While I was there I wrote a soap opera. Would you like me to hum a few “bars” All right, enough Sunday morning puns…. let’s move on, as we have a lot of ground to cover. (Fear not, I am a gardener and I’m familiar with ground cover.)

Item One: Hocus pocus, try to focus…. I really am heading for the jungle. After I finish this blog, I will be packing my knapsack with mosquito repellent and Kaopectate! Why for? Because I am heading to the jungles of Belize and Honduras in search of a lost Aztec civilization of cannabis and head-hunters. I do not expect to be successful. (Mainly because the Aztec Indians lived in South America.) Nevertheless, I will be exploring some remote regions with my intrepid band of A.P.E.S. (Austin Poker Enthusiasts & Sailors) Assuming that I am not eaten by a horde of Piranhas, I shall keep you informed of my whereabouts. Those piranha fish are very smart. I hear they’re always in schools. (And they hate to play “hooky.”) Sound dangerous. On a “scale” of one to ten, this will be a ten. If it was a five, it would be a “fin.” (Something fishy about this routine!)

Item two: The book signing that was scheduled for Tegucigalpa has been cancelled due to the fact that our local host (a pleasant drug cartel gentleman) will be incarcerated for the next twenty to thirty years. I’ll let you know if he gets an early release or escapes.

Item three: MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE (my second mystery novel) has just completed the first round of literary scrutiny (i.e., editing) and has been returned to the publisher for a second check. Hopefully, we will still be on track for a publication date of March 1st. (I know your lives are on hold until then.)

Item four: I did not receive an invitation to the Inaugural Ball, so I called the White House to find out why. The receptionist told me not to hold my breath. That made me blue. (Whenever I feel blue, I breathe. Always helps.) Anyway, I missed the big party. Truthfully, I thought the First Lady looked very pretty, but I did not like her new hairdo. (To me it was sort of a “hair-don’t.”) However, she did get some “bangs for her buck.” Cute cut, but she looked like one of the Supremes. (No, not the judges!)

Item five: I only have one thing to say about the debt ceiling problem….. “Money is the roof of all evil.”

Item six: I had a delightful book signing/speaking engagement in the town of Gonzales, which is about an hour south of Austin. If you ever drive down there, check out the Memorial Museum and then head to the historic downtown center. If you enjoy Mexican food (who doesn’t?) grab some lunch at the Matamoros Taco Hut. After eating there you will not need to stop for gas, so I would walk around town and take in the sights. (Gonzales, for you history buffs, is where they had the famous cannon with the banner “Come and take it!” Those Texians were a tough group of boys. (Big shots, too.) The cannon still works, so don’t stick your head into the barrel. (Takes forever to get loose.)

Item six: Congratulations to my dear friend Leigh Ann Woodward, who finished 5th in a MAJOR poker tournament up in Choctaw, Oklahoma. The woman is charming, lovely, and a fierce competitor. Well done, madam! We (your poker buddies in Austin) are very proud of your accomplishment. (Send me some money.)

Item seven: A big American patriotic THANK YOU to Matt Houser, who is soon to be deployed in the service of our country. Matt is the husband of Sarah (Williams) Houser, who was one of my very best students at St. Edward’s University. Sarah and Matt are the type of young folks that make this country great, and I am proud to have them as friends. Best of luck, Matt! (We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.)

Item eight: Another round of thanks to my dearest travel mate Barbara Talbott. (Barbara, as you might know, was “Miss Indiana” during her younger days in Munchie, I mean, Muncie.) She recently bestowed upon thee a very appropriate gift…. a shirt that read…. “Stay Clam And Proofread.” Sad, but true. (I wear it almost every day!)

Item nine: In case you’re keeping track, I have been doing very well at poker. Playing under the nom de plume of “The Cobra,” I finished 5th and 6th in the last two poker tournaments here in lovely Austin. Today, Sunday, I will be playing in the Central Texas Poker Invitational Championship Tournament. (Try fitting all that on a shirt!) The tourney starts at 3 o’clock and should be a lot of fun. (Especially if they let me deal.)

Item ten: This one is going to hurt….. Guess who is ranked number TWO in the overall poker standings??? No, not me. I’m not even in the top ten! However, The Corpus Christi Crusher (a/k/a Patty Yanoff) is ranked number two and very close to taking over the top spot! I tell you folks, life ain’t fair. All of the poker academy graduates…… Max, Barbara, Susan, Jeff, Jorene, Sharon, etc…… Well, they are all playing better than the snake! What’s up with that?

Well, dear friends and followers, I must bid you adieu. I see a stack of pancakes with my name on it, so duty calls! Have a wonderful week and try to laugh a little.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff