suspense novels

September 4, 2016

SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES ME!

Do you remember that wonderful movie?  It was based upon the true story of the real Rocky…  the great Rocky Graziano.  First released in 1956, it is considered to be one of Paul Newman’s best performances.  The first person who can tell me who played the part of “Fidel,” will win an autographed copy of my newest mystery,  A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  Good luck!

The reason I mentioned this movie is because I too seem to be blessed.  How so, you ask?  Well, believe it or not, I just won another book award, and this one was totally unexpected.  I was recently informed that my first history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has been chosen as one of the best non-fiction books of the year by BOOKSANDAUTHORS.COM.  These folks publish an online magazine for book lovers, which includes book reviews, author interviews, publishing news, book contests, and much more.

The “Book of the Year” awards are chosen by an elite panel of publishing professionals who “seek out literary gems from both established writers and first time authors, novels that whisk the reader to unfamiliar times and places, thrillers that are more than just “page-turners,” and thought provoking non-fiction that entertains as it informs.”  (How are all these words going to fit on my trophy?)

I might have to go to Chicago to receive my award in person, so if anyone out there has an extra bullet-proof vest and a high-capacity rifle that I can borrow, I would be very appreciative.  (Even more appreciative if I survive the trip!)  On second thought, maybe I could send my wife, or my new publicist, Blind Lemon Jefferson.  (Hey, somebody has to go!)

Speaking of trips, I had the pleasure of speaking to a charming book club in Blanco last week.  Blanco (which is the Spanish word for “Blanco”) is a small town in the heart of the Texas Hill Country.  The Old County Courthouse in town served as a set for the 2010 version of the film “True Grit.”  (The Redbud Cafe served hot grits.)  If you like museums, you can visit the Buggy Barn Museum.  I skipped this one, but only because I hate bugs.   ( I can’t imagine why anyone would want to keep insects in a barn. )  Oh wait, they might be referring to horse-drawn buggies.  Never mind.

If you like barbecue, you might want to try the Old 300 BBQ Restaurant.  (Which takes its name from the original 300 settlers that Stephen F. Austin brought to Texas, NOT the cost of a meal.)  Personally, I would skip the food and head on over to Real Ale Brewing, where one might consume a craft beer or two before heading back to Austin.

Incidentally, our book tour to enchanting New Mexico (and Durango, Colorado) has been postponed until the spring of 2017, so if you live in those areas, I hope to see you then.  I will, of course, post our complete itinerary once it becomes available.  (I do need to wait until my publicist, Mr. Jefferson, completes rehab and pays a modest fine to the Republic of Slovenia.)  Don’t ask, long story.

Well, that’s about it for me.  I happen to be babysitting today, so I need to freshen up my margarita before sweet little Goldie wakes up from her nap.  I’m hoping to watch an old Gregory Peck movie when she awakes.  Have you ever seen “Tequila Mockingbird?”  Great movie, salty language, but you can rent one without salt.  You should give it a “shot!”    Have a great week!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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May 15, 2016

DERBY DAY DOINGS!

Horses again?  What can I say, I have a “one track mind!”  So, right out of the gate, I would like to thank all of the vendors at Churchill Downs who were kind enough to feature my soon-to-be-released mystery, A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  The pre-publication sales were phenomenal and I am most appreciative.  Next stop, the Preakness at Pimlico Park in Maryland.  (The actual book should be available by the time we get to the Belmont Stakes!)

Speaking of gratitude, I would also like to thank all of the literary judges who recently chose DEVIL’S COVE (my third “Adam Gold Mystery”) as a FINALIST in the 10th Annual National Indie Excellence Awards.  The 2016 writing contest was very competitive, attracting over 2,000 entrants.  Winning was “a long shot,” and I am thrilled to be in such glorious company.  (All right, no more racetrack terms!)  The awards ceremony will be held in Los Angeles in September, so maybe I’ll get to visit with some of my LA fans.  (Dinner’s on me!)

And since we’re on the subject of long shots, my photograph (headshot) is about to grace the cover of BookMad Magazine.  (There goes their circulation!)  This magazine is a nationally distributed publication that highlights the wild and whacky world of professional writers.  They will also be publishing a full-length interview with yours truly, which I shall post right here when it becomes available.  (Read carefully, there is going to be a test!)

Incidentally, you might want to save the cover, just in case you’re heading out to the gun range.  (It would make an excellent target!)  By the way, if you go to the range, don’t go off “half-cocked.”

I just finished reading Marcel Marceau’s autobiography.  Does this make me a “mime reader?”  Did you know that Marceau refused to perform on cruise ships?  (He was strictly a “land mime.”)  Jeez, these jokes are really lame.  Well, that’s what you become with a land mine!

Now for some really good news…..  One of my devoted blog followers is a twelve-year-old lad who recently created a yoga dog character that teaches children how to deal with their emotions.  (A rather “ruff job,” if you ask me!)  In any case, the young lad is raising money to produce a pilot.  (I told him to try the airport.)  Since this is a very worthwhile project, you might want to contribute a few bucks, and if so, just log onto:   http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/wufshanti/wuf-shanti-tv-show-dog-character-that-teaches-yoga.    (If you make a contribution, I will give you a 10% discount on any book purchase of your choice!)

Hey, does anybody think that Bernie Sanders is too old to be president?  I just found out that his first homeowner policy covered fire, theft, and Indian raids!  (Come on, that’s funny!)  Bernie is so old he remembers when Howard Johnson only had two flavors!  Bernie may be a tad old, but so are these jokes!  Look, like I always say, if they haven’t heard it before, it’s original!

Well, I must leave you now.  I am actually babysitting this weekend.  (My new grand-daughter, Goldie Delilah, requires a great deal of attention.  What’s up with that?)  After breakfast, I’m bringing her to JiffyLube for a check-up.  She seems to be leaking fluid in several places!  The poor girl definitely needs an oil (or diaper) change.

You folks take care and have a wonderful week.  I have a HUGE surprise for all of my loyal blog followers, which I shall announce next time.  Until then, keep those cards and letters coming, and don’t forget to insert some cash from time to time.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Anybody care to guess where the attached photo was taken?

 

 

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March 20, 2016

HAPPY (BELATED) ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

So, how was your 2016 holiday?  Did you celebrate St. Patty’s Day, the day that the beloved saint drove the snakes out of Ireland… and the worms into tequila bottles?  We certainly had a rip-roaring day & night.  (from what I remember)  Of course, you must remember that my wife’s maiden name was McCloskey, and you can’t get more Irish than that.  This year the sweet leprechaun made a traditional seven-course Irish dinner.  (one boiled potato and a six-pack of beer!)  Just kidding.  We actually had green beer, green cabbage, and green corned beef hash.  Unfortunately, there was no green dye used.  (the stuff was just old!)

The Irish, as many of you know, are a very happy lot.  However, in a recent survey, Denmark was rated as the “happiest country on earth.”  I’m not surprised.  I’d be happy too if I had a pastry named after me.  (Danish)  Was that last joke a little cheesy?

So what else is new?  Well, I’m proud to announce that my last book, THE SECOND MOURNING, recently won its 11th book award!  The brilliant tome was awarded “Honorable Mention” at the 2016 Los Angeles Book Festival, which I think is in California.  I have been invited to the grand ceremony, which will be followed by a gourmet meal at a restaurant that received a 3-star rating from Michelin.  (Why is a tire company rating restaurants?  Sounds a little sketchy to me.)

Meanwhile, the presidential race rolls onward!  I might throw my hat into the ring, and if I do, this will be my campaign motto:  “BAN PRE-SHREDDED CHEESE. MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN!”  (Good Lord, that’s the second cheese reference!)  That last joke was an oldie and a moldy!  Speaking of politics…  I see that Clinton and Trump will be on the Late Show this week.  (Bernie Sanders will be appraised on the “Antiques Roadshow.”)  Come on, that one was cute!

Speaking of cute…..  Congratulations to Mrs. Donna Diloretto of Austin, Texas.  Donna was the winner of last week’s trivia contest, correctly identifying the photograph of El Morro National Monument in Puerto Rico.

I would also like to mention (and thank) the beautiful and talented Mrs. Gladys Deatrick  (of Mt. Juliet, Tennessee) for sending me a wonderful compact disc.  (A copy of the recent PBS program titled, “Murder of a President.  Romance, Madness, Medicine, and the Death of James A. Garfield.”)  As many of you know, my book, THE SECOND MOURNING, presents the true story of the assassination, and provides some startling information about the assassin.

I would also like to thank the lovely Shelda Hamilton of Saskatchewan, Canada, for sending along some photographs of her home town, Saskatoon.  (Please say hello to your ne’er-do-well companion for me.)  Shelda is “attached” to Dr. George, one of the most prominent physicians south of the North Pole.  Or north of the South Pole.  I forget which.)

I may be heading for Los Angeles on Wednesday, so if I end up in jail I’m sure you’ll understand.  The last time I was there, I had a traumatic experience at Denny’s Restaurant in Brentwood.  I ordered breakfast (a two-egg omelet) and get this… the waiter forgot my coffee!  To make matters worse, he brought over O.J.  (When did that creep get out of prison?)

Well, that’s about all for now.  (whew!)  Have a safe and wonderful week!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Feeling lucky?  Be the first to correctly identify the location of the attached photograph and you will win an autographed book!

 

 

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February 21, 2016

GO EAST, YOUNG MAN!

Horace Greeley actually advised a western direction, but If I headed west, I would not be able to pick up my Gold Medal, recently awarded by the Florida Book Festival.  Hard to believe, but my history tome, THE SECOND MOURNING, won the award for “Best History Book of the Year.”  Due to my recent Caribbean cruise, book tour, and daily rum intoxication, I missed the awards ceremony, but…  all is not lost!  Now I get to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak, and receive my medal and a wheelbarrow full of cash.  (All right, maybe it’s a bucket full of cash.)

The ceremony was held during my stay on Antigua, so I had to miss the festivities. However, I can’t complain about being marooned on such a lovely Caribbean island.  Nevertheless, one must wonder…  Do bakers get “macarooned?”  Boy, that would be sweet.  (pun intended)

Lest you think me vain, I have two other reasons for heading back to the Sunshine State…  First, and most important, I shall be attending a gala birthday party for my beautiful mother, who is turning 90 in March.  Since I am her favorite, (surprise, surprise) I will be giving her a VERY generous gift…  two copies (autographed) of  THE SECOND MOURNING.  I usually give my mom a 10% discount, but this time the books will be free.  (Is it any wonder that I’m her favorite?)

In addition to our surprise party, I will also be visiting the Haitian Emanuel Baptist Church, where I am slated to receive a “certificate of appreciation” for donating several cases of my mystery novels.  This thoughtful award means a lot to me.  Both of my mother’s caregivers are originally from Haiti, and like most nurses, they are true angels.  In my humble opinion, every nurse is an angel, which is why most hospitals have “two wings!”

In case you’re wondering, the next “Adam Gold Mystery,” titled A RUN FOR THE MONEY, will be published in May or June, depending upon several factors.  (If I can avoid incarceration in Fort Lauderdale.)  Keep in mind that I will be in Florida during Spring Break, so there are no guarantees.  (Last year I got into a little jam while judging the wet T-shirt contest.  Who knew you weren’t supposed to take photographs?)

Incidentally, I just started a new book about sexual horseplay.  I’m not sure of the title, but I think I’m going with “50 SHADES OF HAY.”  I don’t want to give away the plot, but my characters try to “rein in their feelings” while dealing with “unbridled passion” for each other.  Look, I know these jokes are lousy, but there aren’t many good horse jokes, so don’t “nag me.”  (Yikes, that one was really bad!)

Hey, before I forget, congratulations to Miss Laura and her family.  (Joyous residents of Oklahoma.)  They recently received (via UPS) a brand new baby boy named Liam!  Back here in Texas, we are all delighted and thrilled, and we send our very best to all of you Sooners.  (and we hope to see you “sooner” than later!)

I wonder if it’s too early to send Liam a blog invitation?  Maybe I should wait until the lad is eating solid food.  (Then again, my jokes might make him nauseous!)

In closing, I shall leave you with immortal words of Dorothy Parker, the wise-cracking babe who invented Parker House Rolls.  (or not)   When asked to use the word “horticulture” in a sentence, she replied, “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”

Amen.

Well, my friends, be well and be safe.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.   If you are the first person to correctly identify the location of the attached photograph (s) you will win an autographed copy of my new book!  Good luck!

 

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September 6, 2015

QUIET ON THE SET!

There’s very little quiet on any set these days, but that’s because of the cable networks.  In any case, I wasn’t referring to television.  (By the way, why do they call it a television “set” when there is only one device?)  Where was I?  Oh yes, the quiet on the set thing.  Well, I’ve got some potentially good news to share with my 21,000 loyal blog followers……  There is a possibility, albeit remote, that my second mystery novel, THE PIRATE PATH, will be optioned for a movie later this year.  Are you folks familiar with a production company called “Infinitum Nihil?”  (Meaning “infinite nothing.”)  This is Johnny Depp’s company, operated by the old pirate and his sister.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  (Pirates always have to cross a few bones for luck!)

Speaking of luck…  I recently received two lovely gifts from two of my high school friends who are also blog followers.  First, I wish to thank the incredibly talented Joyce Harness McGregor for sending me a beautiful painting of my favorite bird.  (The red cardinal)  The painting is now hanging in my study for all to see.  Second, I would like to thank the brilliant Margaret Dinzler Shaw for sending me a copy of the book of essays she recently edited.  Good job, Margaret!

Incidentally, I recently received an invitation to become Facebook friends with the great Daniel Negreanu, one of the world’s best poker players.  Daniel is a fan of my mystery novels, and one of the truly nice guys on the professional poker circuit.  I wish him continued success at the tables, and urge him to wear the t-shirt I’m sending.  (The shirt displays a full face photo of President James A. Garfield on the front, and on the back it reads:  THE SECOND MOURNING.)  Dang shirt costs me five bucks to make!

Did you see that the CEO of Starbucks is telling his workers to be gentle with customers who may have lost money in the stock market last week?  Great advice from a guy who charges five dollars for a cup of coffee!  I’ve figured out how they get away with that…  they use Italian titles for all of their special drinks.  Makes the stuff sound fancy.  Hey, who charges more per cup, Starbucks or Victoria’s Secret?  (Both keep me up at night!)

My never-ending self-promoting book tour and tequila sampling took me to another fascinating location last week.  I spent a productive afternoon in lovely San Saba, the Pecan Capital of the World.  (Just think of all the “nut jokes” I could do right now!)  Believe it or not, the town produces over five million pounds of pecans every year!  They use pecans in almost everything down there, including beer, olive oil, pies, cakes, cookies, and pralines.  These items are not cheap.  You have to “shell out” some bucks if you want to eat well!  If you plan to stay f0r dinner, I’d try Diggs Restaurant & Club.  (Yummy steaks, cooked over….  pecan!)

Well, I must close now.  My new grand-daughter is expecting me, and if I show up late, she might need a diaper change.  (Man, if you guys thought an oil change was messy, you should see some of those diapers!)  How can anything so beautiful produce such a nasty odor?  Yes, dear pilgrims, the Lord works in mysterious ways!  (He also has a wicked sense of humor!)

Have a safe and happy week, and we shall meet again in the sweet by and by.  (or should I say, bye-bye?)  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

P.S.   A free autographed book to the first person who can tell me where the attached photo was taken!

 

 

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July 26, 2015

HOME SWEAT HOME!

AIN’T NUTHIN’ SWEET ABOUT THIS TEXAS HEAT, Y’ALL …..  Dang, it’s hot down here in Austin, Texas!  How hot is it?  (I’m glad you asked.)  It’s so hot the fire ants have opened up a Kool Aid stand!  It’s so hot the scorpions are crawling around with canteens!  It’s so hot…  Well, never mind, you get the idea.  Hey, before I forget, there’s an email going around offering Processed Pork, gelatin, and salt in a can.  If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT!  (It’s SPAM.)

So what else is new?  (Again, I’m glad you asked.)  Looks like Hillary Clinton is in big trouble because of her private server.  I’m not sure what that is, but I don’t think it’s a waitress.  I think it has something to do with a computer, and I detest those darn things.  Why?  (What’s with all the questions?)  Because somebody recently stole my identity online!  You know the most humiliating part?  The son of a gun returned my identity the next day.  He said that after careful consideration he did NOT want to be me!  Loser.

Check this out…  there’s a novelty store in Houston that’s selling Donald Trump pinatas!  Look on the bright side, something good will finally come out of the guy!

I see that President Obama went to a federal prison.  (Calm down, he was only visiting.)  I think he went there to discuss prison reform….. and spend some time with a bunch of former Congressmen.  Did you know that there are no Jewish people in federal prison?  Why?  Because they eat lox.  (locks?)  All right, that was lame.  I blame the heat.

On a brighter note, I am happy to report that the United States team recently won the International Math Olympics!  Who says American kids can’t compete with those brainy Asians?  Our juveniles are smarter than those dang foreigners!  Congratulations to the American team:  Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, Allen Liu, and their coach, Po-Shen Loh.  (I hope those Asian folks learned a lesson!)

Well, as you can see from today’s post, I’ve finally reached the Wonder Years.  (I wonder where my car is parked?  I wonder where I left my cell phone?  I wonder where my glasses are?  I wonder if I’ve used these jokes before?)  Oh well, time marches on, and it’s better to be in the parade than you-know-where.  Incidentally, copies of THE SECOND MOURNING are still selling briskly and the recent awards have really increased sales.  Amazingly, RANSOM ON THE RHONE is still one of the best-selling mysteries in France, so all is good on the literary front.

As some of you may know, we now have over 20,000 blog followers in 140 different countries.  That being the case, some folks overseas have asked if I would post a photograph of my home in America.  (No, they are not with ISIS.)  Well, since I aim to please, and appreciate my blog followers enormously, I am going to attempt to post a recent photo of my private abode.  (Notice I said abode, not commode.)  I might point out that shortly after this picture was taken, I had a reptile dysfunction on my porch.  A rather long, black snake decided to crawl through my legs as I was consuming a cold beer.  I have therefore attached (hopefully) a photo of this particular reptile.  By the way, this fellow was a non-venomous snake.  Very beautiful markings.  Quite tasty.

In closing, let me send my very best wishes to Ann D. in Round Rock.  Ann had a little accident the other day, but she is one tough gal and we know she will be back on her feet in the very near future.  We all wish you a speedy recovery, darling!  I look forward to speaking at your book club in September!  (Try to serve some lobster)

Vaya con dios, amigos y amigettes!  Have a safe and wonderful week…..    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Resident and reptile reproductions attached!

 

 

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May 24, 2015

PILATES OF THE CARIBBEAN!

Would you believe that I have “exercised” my freedom and returned to the lovely island of St. John?  Well, it’s true, me buckoos, the old swashbuckler (me) has returned to the Caribbean for another seafaring adventure!  The first mate and I are staying in a palatial estate overlooking Chocolate Hole, named for the color of the water just below the cliff.  The view and the digs are simply gorgeous, and we even have our own pool.  (Which we share with a friendly brown pelican.)

The turquoise ocean is swarming with seagulls, and the bay is swarming with…..  bay gulls.  (You just knew where that was going, right?)  The bay gulls are sort of lazy.  They just “lox” around all day.  To me, they are like my children.   ( Once you feed them, you’re stuck with them!)  Ah well, I’m too young to be an empty-nester.

Back to the exercise thing…..  Here, for your reading pleasure, is my daily itinerary…  Up at dawn, use the bathroom, back to bed, rise at nine a.m., use the bathroom, eat a gourmet breakfast, use the bathroom, drive to the beach (there are 20 to choose from!) swim and snorkel, eat a light lunch (or substitute with rum & cola) take a short nap, use the bathroom, make believe I’m not staring at the girls in those tiny bikinis, swim some more, dry off, go home, get dressed, go out for dinner, drink some more rum, use the bathroom, go to bed, and then repeat in morning!

I know exactly what you’re thinking.  When does this man have time to write his award-winning books?  I have begun to ask myself that same question.  Did it ever dawn on you that I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom?  (No, I do not have a prostrate problem.)  I thought a prostrate was a woman who took money for sex!  (Actually, most of those naughty ladies do end up prostrate, but that’s another story.)  Where was I?

Oh yes, I remember…  the writing stuff.  Well, let’s put it this way, if experience is the best teacher, then I have been learning a lot, and sooner or later, it will show up in another book.  (I mention this, so that I can deduct this trip on next year’s tax return!)  By the way, we are staying with the Princess of Portugal, and her tax-dodging husband, Baron Lee Von Bomblatus.  They are great hosts, and very wealthy, so I leave my wallet at home.  (Well, that’s what I told them!)  We actually go “Dutch.”  (I only pay when we go to the Dutch side of St. Maarten!)  So far, we’ve been able to avoid that island!

For those of you who do not subscribe to the New York Times, (and let’s face it, who the hell would?) they were kind enough to reprint a news blurb about my recent award.  I won’t bore you with all of the details (again) but I recently won the gold medal presented by the 9th Annual 2015 National Indie Excellence Award.  My book, THE SECOND MOURNING, was chosen as the best history book of the year, and I am very grateful to the judges for this wonderful honor.  The NIEA competition is fierce, and there were many great books this year.  So once again, thanks for the memories!  (and the lovely prize!)

In closing, if I may, I would like to remind everyone of something far more important than writing and blogging.  I would like to publicly thank all of the brave men and women who have served in our nation’s military.  I am smart enough to understand that NOTHING I do would be possible without the sacrifice that our veterans have made.  Thank you all for your service to our country!  We love you, respect you, and honor your deeds on our behalf.  May God bless all of our veterans this Memorial Day.

Finally, to my loyal blog followers, I would remind you to have some fun this weekend, even if your in-laws are coming over the house for a barbecue!  Please keep in mind the words of my high school psychologist, who once said to me, “You’re responding nicely to therapy.  You can sit up the next time we meet.”   (Hey, in my opinion, “normal” is just a setting on the dryer!)  Have a great weekend.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.   Just to make you jealous, I will attach a photograph of me “in my office.”

 

 

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April 5, 2015

GLORY DAZE!

Before I explain, allow me to wish each and every one of my loyal blog followers (all 17,000 of you!) a Happy Easter and/or Joyous Passover.  I truly hope that you and yours receive the full blessings of the season.  Spring, as you know, is a time of renewal.  (and I am not referring to your driver’s license!)  Actually, Spring done sprung on March 20th, but who’s counting?  (Other than the IRS?)

I think I’ve asked this question before, but is a person required to pay taxes EVERY year?  I’m glad I have two children.  They’re taxing, but also deductible.  Well, at least the new tax forms have been simplified beyond understanding.  Hey, why isn’t Lois Lane in jail?  I mean, Lois Lerner?  Come to think of it, how come I’m not in jail?  Never mind, let’s move on…

Well, my dear friends, it has been quite a week.  (Hence the title of this here blog post.)  On the day I left charming Beaufort (South Carolina) I was informed that my book, THE SECOND MOURNING, was chosen as a FINALIST in the prestigious Indie Book Awards Contest sponsored by Foreward Reviews’ Magazine.  (Gold, Silver, and Bronze Medals will be awarded on June 26th at the American Library Association Annual Conference in San Francisco.  (Nominees are required to bring their own water!)

Two days later, when we arrived in Atlanta, I received word that THE SECOND MOURNING had won the GOLD MEDAL in the Beverly Hills International Book Award Contest!  The honor was bestowed for best book of the year in the History – United States Category.  In presenting the award, the judges were kind enough to write:  “Dr. Yanoff’s book truly embodies the excellence that this award was created to celebrate.”  All I can say is Hooray for Hollywood!  (And thank you!)

Incredibly, it looks like I may also be a FINALIST or medal winner in a third literary contest.  (I will know this Tuesday.)  I just received an amazing review from the contest sponsor, Reader Reviews Magazine.  The judge/reviewer described THE SECOND MOURNING in glowing terms, such as, “5 Stars – a treasure of a book,”excellent story,” “simply brilliant,” and “a must-read.”  (My own mother couldn’t have written a better review, and believe me, she’s tried!)

Several blog followers have asked me to address the highlight of my trip to the Low Country.  Giving Pat Conroy some writing tips was fun, but the peace de resistance, was eating barbecue pork at Sgt. White’s Restaurant and visiting the Marine Training Base on Parris Island.  As some of you may know, I spent several summers training with the SEALS. (At SEAWORLD in San Antonio.)  Stop laughing, it wasn’t easy balancing that ball on my nose.  I did manage one amazing feat.  (or should I say “flipper?”)  I trained some of the animals to clean up their own pool!  (I received the “Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval!)  God, I need to get a real job.

I did hear one sad tale while touring the Marine Base.  I met a Marine D.I. (Drill Instructor) who had just found out that his wife was having an affair!  Naturally, he was devastated, so in order to find comfort and peace, he had turned to religion.  Soon, he was able to come to terms with the whole thing.  He had converted to Islam and was now planning to stone his wife in the morning!  Hoorah!  Semper Fi!

For those of you who are still awake, I shall end this historical, I mean, hysterical post by wishing you and yours a safe and wonderful week!  If you scroll down, you will see some lovely photos taken in and around Beaufort, South Carolina.  (I have deleted all nudity, due to federal regulations and concerns about the environment.)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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February 22, 2015

OSCAR (MAYER) NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD!

Why the name change?  Well, let’s face it, the auditorium will be filled with HAMS and celebrities who are full of BALONEY!  I know that sounds like a “cold cut,” but they deserve to be criticized.  They make too much money.  Hell, Brad Pitt is so rich he taught his dog how to roll over – an IRA!  Now that’s rich!  I just read that Harrison Ford is going to make another movie.  The guy just turned 70.  The movie will be called “Raiders of the Lost Miralax.”

Since I am my mother’s favorite, I took her to see each one of the movies nominated for “Best Picture.”  It’s the least I could do for all of the things she did to me, I mean, for me.  For instance, when I was a youngster, mom let me lick the beaters when she made a cake.  Sometimes she would even turn them off first.  What a gal.  Anyway, with that said, here are our “rapid reviews” of each film.  (By the way, that word was rapid, not rabid!)  The envelope please…   and the winners are…

1.  THE IMITATION GAME.  (It just didn’t seem real.)

2.  SELMA.   (I saw the “abridged” version.)

3.  BIRDMAN.  (Mom got stuck with the bill.)

4.  THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.   (The movie didn’t register.)

5.   AMERICAN SNIPER.  (Right on target.)

Well, in my humble opinion, these are the leading contenders.  BOYHOOD was also a good film, but that bum Kanye West wants to make  a sequel called BOYS N THE HOOD, so forget that.  The film about Stephen Hawking was too theoretical.  Besides, we don’t need a Hawking when we already have a BIRDMAN.  Although, birds of a feather do like to sit together.

So what else is new?  RANSOM ON THE RHONE (a true piece of artwork) will be available in about one week.  The early reviews have actually been spectacular.  If you love a good read, you will definitely enjoy this book.

Did you see that Starbucks is going to start a home delivery service? This will be perfect for people who don’t like to walk one block in ANY direction.  Just have a credit card handy.  Not bad enough that we have to pay $5.00 for a cup of coffee.  Now we have to tip, too.  (They know where we live!)

I just read that people who snore are prone to heart attacks!  How can you sleep if you’re not prone?  I don’t care about this news.  I may suffer a heart attack, but I won’t lose any sleep over it.  You gotta wake up pretty early in the afternoon to fool old Doc Yanoff.

By the way, did you know that Oscar attendees are not allowed to bring credit cards with them?  No big deal.  The place will be filled with plastic folks.  (If you think I’m kidding, watch their faces!)  Botox down to their knee socks.  Personally, I fall asleep during the opening monolog, and when I wake up I like to watch real zombies, so I’m hoping they show reruns of The Walking Dead.

Well, boys and ghouls, that’s about it for me.  Do enjoy the rest of your Sunday, and have a safe and happy week.  As far as I’m concerned, the winner is …..  You!  (For those who haven’t seen the new cover of my next book, feast your eyes on the photo attached at the end of this semi-humorous blog.)  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

RansomOnTheRhoneCover

January 18, 2015

YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND…

WAIT, don’t log out!  I promise not to sing a James Taylor song!  I actually enjoy his music, but that performance with Secretary Kerry was, well, a bit “off-key.”  Well, I guess it could have been worse.  Just imagine if Kerry wanted to sing the chorus.  Personally, since they were serenading the French, I think they should have picked a more appropriate song.  I was thinking of an Elvis Presley tune, his 1961 hit, SURRENDER!  Of course, the French being French, they would have undoubtedly chosen a Rolling Stone’s song.  (Let’s Spend The Night Together.)

Speaking of lame politicians, the rumors are true!  I have been asked to run for the school board!  (Fitting, since I was always bored in school.)  I told the selection committee that I was unqualified to run for public office.  (I have never been arrested, my wife won’t let me have a girlfriend, and I only accept bribes of Kentucky Bourbon.)  Furthermore, I paraphrased the words of that great statesman, William T. Sherman, and told them:  “If nominated, I will not run.  If elected, I will not serve.  If I am forced to serve, I want a big tip.”  They haven’t gotten back to me yet, so your children are still safe.

A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal.  And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination!

And since we’re on the subject of safe destinations, last night’s gala birthday dinner party at Chateau Talbott was a complete culinary and winery success!  Guests were treated (they didn’t charge this time) to a marvelous rendition of coffee-rubbed pot roast served over Alabama cheese grits.  Naturally, I regaled the entourage with some delightful tales of my misspent youth, and several of the ladies actually remained in a conscious state during my oration.

We were celebrating the joint birthdays (no, NOT that type of joint) of Judge Susan and the Queen of Board Games, Miss Jaimie.  The ladies are aging marvelously and still retain the lustre and glow of vitality, despite years of making out and dirty dancing.  They were both thrilled that the new Congress will have 104 women.  (Now you know why they call it the Washington “Mall!”)

Still freezing in most parts of the country.  I suggested that they ship hot soup in the Keystone Pipeline.  No response from the EPA.  Hey, did you see that Dallas had a 3.5 magnitude earthquake?  Some folks are blaming fracking in Oklahoma, but I think it was probably caused by Governor Christie jumping up and down after the Cowboys football victory.  Just saying.

For those of you that are sick and tired of reading those lousy books by Grisham, Patterson, and King (sounds like a dang law firm) cheer up!  I will be initialing the final publishing contracts for my new book on Monday morning!  (Tomorrow.)  Shortly thereafter, you will be able to drop everything you’re doing (which I don’t mind, unless you’re feeding a baby) and run over to the computer to order your copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE!  Hopefully, I will attach a few photographs of my visit to the city of Lyon at the end of this blog post.  (Lyon is in the center of France, and is thought to be the culinary capital of the country.)

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a wonderful upcoming week.  Thanks to your continued support, our Sunday blog finished 2014 in the top 5% of all blog sites in the country!  This minor miracle could not have been accomplished without your loyal and loving support, so thank you very much!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.   Photographies de France attaches.  (Photographs of France attached)

 

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