December 8, 2013

A BUSY BEE…..

YEP, THAT WOULD BE ME! (I suppose I could also be called a busy body.) Incidentally, do you know that a bumble bee has to make over two million flower taps just to produce one pound of honey? I’ve studied the bee-havior of these fascinating insects. In my world, FYI stands for “Flying Yellow Insects.” For instance, I know how to make these little creatures “bee-have” and produce lots of honey. Soothing music is the key. (They love Sting) Ouch! Should I have gone with Paul McCartney and Wings? My mother did NOT do a good job explaining the “birds and the bees” to my sister. After she got stung, she thought she was pregnant! Un-bee-lievable! (Shall we move on?)

The week began with a productive literary trip to Schulenburg, a quaint little town south of Austin. (Fayette County) The town used to be known for its kolaches, but that was before they were introduced to THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH. Now they’ve become a literary mecca, which should no doubt increase the number of tourists that visit. If you ever visit, make sure to stop at Sengelmann Hall, an historic dance hall built in the late 1800s. (They still host polka bands on the weekend!)

Speaking of polka, or poker for that matter, I would like to thank Fred and Leigh Ann Woodward for hosting (Saturday) the Ninth Annual Kings & Queens Poker Tournament in Lago Vista, Texas. What a blast! The place was filled to the rafters with some of the best poker players in the state. (Including Sharon “Big Win” Walker and her husband, Rich “Also Ran” Walker.) The food, drinks, and entertainment were simply over the top this year. Don’t ask me how, but The Mighty Cobra (me) managed to make it to the Final Table, where I placed high up on the leader board, but failed to win the $100,000 first place prize. (or something like that!)

On Wednesday last, the “Princess of Poker,” (my wife) won Second Place in the annual Christmas Poker Extravaganza downtown. (She won a generous gift card, but refuses to share it with me!) No matter. During the break, I managed to sell several copies of DEVIL’S COVE, which substantially increased my net worth.

On Friday I went to a holiday party where the host hired a mime! However, due to time constraints, the mime did not perform. Personally, I thing a mime is a terrible thing to waste. But that’s just me. Hey, I just thought of something… If you were going to shoot a mime, would you have to use a silencer? Hmm.

Next week I’m off to Athens. No, not Greece. Athens, Texas. I actually like East Texas, since I went to college in that area, and have several children living in that part of the state. Should be an interesting visit. Well, I must leave you now as I have another charity poker tournament to go to! (I told you I was a busy bee!) If I do well (very unlikely) I will brag, I mean, write about it on my next post. A lot of talented players will be there, and they’re expecting a “full house.” (So am I!) Have a wonderful week…. Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

July 7, 2013

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

HOW WAS YOUR FOURTH OF JULY? Did you display a “sparkling” personality, or did you have a “short fuse?” I was lucky… I got to watch an explosive display of fireworks. (The Texas Legislature was on C-Span!) In any case, there were no “duds” in our group, and we had a marvelous Texas-style barbecue, compliments of the good folks at The Salt Lick. Speaking of the Fourth…..

Did you know that the first Independence Day celebration occurred in the city of Philadelphia on July 8, 1776? Believe it or not, it wasn’t until 1804 that the White House celebrated the event. (Better late than never!) For your reading pleasure, I now submit some fun facts about our nation’s birthday…..

In 1776, there were 2.5 million people in America.

In 2013, we have approximately 310 million people in America.

And because this is the MOST American of all holidays, you should know that…..

95% of our fireworks are made in….. China!

94% of our American flags are made in….. China!

The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship has been won (6 times) by a fellow named Takeru Kobayashi, who was born in….. Japan! (You thought I was going to say, China, right?)

Well, at least we have become an inclusive country! When was the last time you saw an American sumo wrestling champion? Or an American ping pong champion? Exactly. I rest my case.

So what else is new? Well, the third “Adam Gold Mystery” titled, DEVIL’S COVE, is set for publication and will be available on Amazon.com in the very near future. I shall keep you informed of the exact release date. Last week I spent some quality time with Will Ravenel, the world’s best structural integration therapist. I had some shoulder pain that Will the “Miracle Worker”/magician made disappear in one short session! If you’re ever in pain or discomfort, take my advice, and contact Will at Castle Hill Fitness. (You will thank me later!)

I would like to say “Happy Birthday” to two remarkable (and stunningly attractive) women….. Ms. Ingrid Kaminski and Ms. Sharon Francia. Both of these lovely ladies recently celebrated their 39th birthday. Ladies, you look marvelous, absolutely marvelous! I would also like to congratulate Mrs. Helena Bomblatus, who is expecting a baby girl later in the week. She’s expecting a baby, but not delivering one. (Helena is the grandmother!) Best wishes to her and her husband, Lee. (And also to Rita….. who is actually having the baby!)

Well, gang, that’s about it for me. Please remember that pushing the elevator button more than once does NOT make it arrive any faster. (That one’s for you, Vicki!) Finally, in light of our recent holiday, I would remind you what Mark Twain once said….. “Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it….. ”

God Bless America! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 28, 2013

THE COBRA STRIKES! (AND OTHER JUNGLE TALES)

MY FELLOW AMERICANS….. (AND WORLD-WIDE FOLLOWERS)

Monday morning blues? Down to your shoes? You should go on a cruise. Drink some booze. Play some poker. Try not to lose. (In fact, this is precisely what I intend to do this coming Saturday!) AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF POKER……

Those of you who read Sports Illustrated, The New York Times, or belong to Gambler’s Anonymous, know that yesterday was the CENTRAL TEXAS WATERLOO POKER INVITATIONAL CELEBRITY PRO/AM POKER TOURNAMENT & BEER GUZZLING FESTIVAL. My friends, this was quite a tournament. Many of the world’s (all right, Austin’s) best poker players showed up, loaded for bear, as my grand-pappy used to say. As I have previously stated, this was by “invitation only,” which means that you had to qualify for the tournament by having a certain number of points in your over-all rating.

I am VERY proud to tell you that after reviewing the player’s board, I spotted the names of EVERY graduate of the C.P.A. (Cobra Poker Academy.) That’s right, dear ones, the names were up in lights, posted for all the world to see….. Barbara Talbott (The Dragon Slayer)….. Max Talbott (The Maxi-nator)….. Susan Marquess (The Legal Eagle)….. and Patricia Yanoff….. (The Corpus Christi Crusher) My goodness, the place was filled with poker greats! (Incredibly, even two famous local pros showed up….. Sharon (Sharp-shooter) Francia and Sharon Barth, also known in Las Vegas as “Bad Barth.” As usual, the Sharons played outstanding poker. Unfortunately, only two academy players could make the actual tournament, and one of them, (an attractive woman) got knocked out early…… By going “all in” with a full house and losing to….. FOUR FOURS! (OH, THE PAIN OF IT ALL!)

HOWEVER…… (Now we come to my favorite part of the blog) Yours truly, The Mighty Cobra, had his fangs on full display throughout the tournament of champions…. and as you have probably guessed by now…..I slithered my way into the FINAL TABLE, which was covered, covered I say, in cash and potato chips! Well, as fate would have it, I played brilliantly, cheated seldom, and managed to outlast a tremendous group of talented players…. making it to the FINAL TWO PLAYERS GOING HEAD TO HEAD!!

(Just for the record, our heads were not touching.) Head to head is a poker phrase. We were actually sitting across from each other.

Anyway, we played mano a mano for several hours! (Actually, twenty minutes, but the hours thing sounds better) In truth, it was not mana a mano, but mano a womano. (I was battling the enchanting Miss Elsa for the title.) Well, amazingly, we finally got too tired to see the cards, so we decided to split the pot evenly. (We both walked away with a HUGE amount of money and stale potato chips.) However, since points is points, I must, for the sake of accuracy tell you that we played one final hand to see who would get what points. (Here is where the story becomes a Greek Tragedy) I’ve got a king and a nine of spades, and Miss Elsa has a jack and a ten. So what happens? Not one, but two damn jacks show up! Needless to say, I was singing “Hit The Road Jack,” but to no avail. However, my SECOND PLACE finish was to be celebrated, as this was the largest turnout of the poker season and attracted well over 100 top players.

In case you are feeling sorry for me, I should tell you that I consoled myself with an elaborate Indian feast at Tarka after the tournament. The food was, as always, fantastic! If you haven’t been to the West Anderson location, you don’t know what you’re missing. All I can say is Yum-Yum. If you go, mention my poker name, The Cobra, and you will get free napkins.

Well, my dear blog followers, I hope I have provided a pleasant start for your week. Be happy that you are not up in New York. My brother told me it was ten degrees below zero last week!

How cold did it get, you ask? My brother saw a chicken crossing the street with a capon! (cape on?)

Love to all……

Doc Yanoff

December 16, 2012

DRIBS AND DRABS…..

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRIB AND A DRAB?? (Me neither) Well as they say in guitar class, don’t fret. They basically mean the same thing. (“A small drop”) Some folks think that the word “Drib” is short for “Dribble.” They are wrong. You can’t get much shorter than a drib. And by the way, speaking of shortening words…. How come the word “Abbreviation” is so darn long? Does that make sense to you? (Me neither) Such is the English language, which just happens to be one of 2,700 languages in the world. (Composed of roughly 750,000 words!) Oddly enough, I can only spell 10% of them. Bummer dude.

AND NOW FOR SOME DRIBS AND DRABS……. I had my hour-long telephone interview with AMAZON BOOK CLUB on Monday. The conversation went very well and the good folks at Amazon will be dedicating a FULL PAGE to THE PRESLEY PLOT sometime in the next week or two. (I will keep you informed.) They intend to run a full book cover, my photo, and a lengthy review of the book. The Amazon Book Page will be sent to….. 100,000 websites across the world! I am very excited about this development. Book sales should swell. (Along with my ego!)

Playing under the nom de plume of “THE COBRA,” I entered a huge poker tournament this past week. The prizes were substantial (But I am loath to mention the amounts, due to my recent I.R.S. Blog followers) and as usual, I made a fine and slithering show of myself. I placed SECOND, and would have won if not for a damn “river king.” Ah well, I still had a great time and raked in some moola. (Do cows ever rake in “moo-la?”) Just asking.

Ravi Shankar passed away this week. The New York Times (a commie rag) described him as a “prolific sitarist,” but I don’t think he was that clever or funny. The lad was 92, which meant that he “strung us along” for many years. (So much for satire.) Speaking of the Times, do you guys remember William Satire, the columnist? Now he was clever and funny.

Hilary Clinton must be writing a book, too. I heard she fell down and came up with a conclusion. (She should quit while she’s still “ahead.”)

I just finished my third mystery novel yesterday! (Titled….. “DEVIL’S COVE.”) The tale is centered around the planned theft of the Gutenberg Bible from the Ransom Center in Austin. After I finished it, I realized that I could write a “healthier” sequel for folks on a special diet. In the second book, the bad guys would try to steal a “Guten-free Bible” made of protein-less wheat! (They hope to get a lot of “dough” for the book.) Do this sound like an interesting “slice” of life? Will Adam Gold “rise” to the occasion? Will he protect the “upper crust” of society? These, and many other bad puns, await my dedicated followers!

A word to some of those followers…… Our thoughts and prayers go out to my great friend Max Talbott, who is now in Indiana handling a family situation. God’s speed, cousin! Happy belated birthday to a brilliant and beautiful lady named Christine Nickles! (One of my oldest and dearest friends!) Hard to believe she’s sixty. (That means I’m getting older, too!) A big kiss to Miss Rebecca Lee. (Suffering from allergies) I hope you are feeling better today! A huge “Thank You” to the Fort Worth chapter of the Presley fanatics. They purchased a large amount of books recently. If you need some autographs, just let me know and I’ll meet you at the Stockyards! (And buy you a big steak!)

SPEAKING OF ELVIS PRESLEY…… On this day, in 1956, The King made his 50th (and final) appearance on “Louisiana Hayride.” And more importantly…… Elvis must have been a little chilly, because he was just about to be contacted by his local “draft board!” (You’re in the Army now!) One last item….. also on this day, in 2004, Lisa Marie Presley announced that she would keep Graceland, but sell the bulk of the Elvis estate. (Which she did, for….. $100,000,000!) Not bad for a hillbilly singer.

Well, I hope I have brought some cheer into your lives. (This has been a rough week for a lot of us.) Please take good care of yourselves and have a wonderful week. (As the Jewish gastroenterologist once said….. “This too shall pass!”)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

November 25, 2012

THE PRESLEY PLOT MAKES HISTORY!!

THIS BETTER BE GOOD SINCE I USED TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS!! Well, actually, it is very, very good. For the first time since the Bronze Age (or maybe it was the Iron Age) Aberdeen Bay Press, the world’s foremost publisher of brilliant mystery novels, has decided to publish a SECOND EDITION of a book within a six month period!! (There are those two exclamation points again.) Would you like to guess the name of this best-selling book? That’s right….. THE PRESLEY PLOT!

Due to popular demand (and the fact that Amazon.com only has 3 copies left!) the publisher is re-issuing my book. And here’s the best part…. they have gone through the book with a fine tooth comb and corrected every spelling and typographical error that was in the first edition! Soooooo….. if you need a wonderful, enchanting, entertaining novel for the holiday gift giving season (and you can’t find FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY) zip on over to Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com and order you brand new, fully revised copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT. (Your brain will thank you!) Incidentally….. the new edition already has a pre-order of over 200 books!! So remember, he who hesitates, is lost!

If you are one of the lovely young ladies who is awaiting a book (Ms. Baum and Mrs. Isler) be patient! I will send one along as soon as they become available!

NOW FOR SOME OTHER ELVIS NEWS…….

Did you know that there is a “Little Graceland” in Texas? True enough. In the Rio Grande Valley town of Los Fresnos, Simon Vega curates a treasure trove of Elvis memorabilia at his LITTLE GRACELAND MUSEUM. (Mr. Vega actually served in the Army with Elvis!) The museum has pictures of Elvis, Elvis albums, Elvis 45’s (not the pistols) Elvis statues, Elvis mugs, and Elvis enchiladas. (Just joshing about the food.) In any case, the museum is open Thursday thru Sunday. 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. by appointment. The next “Elvis Festivale” is set for January, 12, 2013, so if you’re in the area, swing by and join the fun. I have spent some time down in the Valley and can honestly say that it is a warm and charming location…. and the residents are simply wonderful.

NOW FOR SOME FINAL, EXCITING NEWS…….

Keep your eyes and ears focused on The New York Times, Fox News, Variety, and Popular Mechanics, for some very exciting news concerning the SECOND ADAM GOLD MYSTERY NOVEL! That’s right, my friends, book number two will be available in the not-too-distant future! The book is titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. This time around, Adam Gold will become entangled in a hunt for Captain Kidd’s treasure! The book has already received some glowing reviews, and if you believe the literary pundits, it is destined to become another best selling mystery novel. I shall, as they say, keep you apprised of the situation!

Until then, I remain, your humble correspondent. (Which is better than being a bumbling despondent.) Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

October 3, 2012

FAKES… SNAKES… AND PATTY-CAKES!

Dearest Lovers of All Things Literary…..

On this very day, October 3rd, 1945, Elvis Presley entered a talent contest at the annual Mississippi-Alabama Fair and Dairy Show. (The states were poor even then, so they had to combine the sponsorship!) Anyway, one of Presley’s TEACHERS arranged for him to enter the contest after she heard him sing in class. (Her name, just for “the record” was Mrs. Oleta Grimes.) Elvis sang while standing on a chair and without any accompaniment. (For those of you who went to school in New York that means without music.) The Once and Future King sang a tender old hymn called “Old Shep.”

The poor lad won 5th prize! (and got spanked by his mother for going on a dangerous ride!)

Well, that was NOT the case last night! The FAKES refer to the poor folks who thought they could play poker with The Queen of Cork. (Called thus because of her love of rose wine and also because she is VERY Irish… think freckles!) The SNAKES refer to yours truly, well known in poker circles (and among squares) as THE COBRA! And finally, PATTY-CAKES is the nickname (yeah, she has several) of the woman who destroyed all of the competition at the huge and vicious My Place Poker Palace last night….. the one and only cutthroat chick, formerly known as the Corpus Christi Crusher…. Patricia Eileen McCloskey! (nee Yanoff)

Don’t ask me how (because it’s too painful to remember) but the above poker machine ousted the mighty Cobra and several hundred others saps to place SECOND in the tournament.

She almost won the whole darn thing, but lost to a full house (the place was crowded) on the river! (Actually, we were playing inside, not on the river, but you know what I mean.) Yes, sir, that woman is “one of a kind” when it comes to games of chance. And me? Well, I played extremely good (what else is new?) but alas, my pocket queens were trumped by Big Slick on the flop. (In keeping with THE PRESLEY PLOT theme I took my defeat well, but I insisted on singing two verses of “Don’t Be Cruel.”)

My utter grief and humiliation was short-lived… I ran into some friends in the parking lot and they asked me if they could purchase a couple of books. (By sheer coincidence, I had several boxes, I mean, copies in my pickup truck.) Consequently, I sold two books, autographed them, and went on my merry way… back to Merrywing Circle. Well, I didn’t win the dang tournament or increase my standing, but I am now the best-selling author of the Jester Center Parking Lot. (Hey, it’s all good!)

Today is sunny and pleasant down here in Austin, Texas. I am on my way to spend some quality time with my grand-dog! I hope you have a wonderful day, too.

(Baker, my grand-dog says hello!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff, F.P.L. (Former Poker Legend.)