GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN…..

NOT MY STOCK PORTFOLIO, ELVIS PRESLEY!  Can you believe that yesterday marked the 37th anniversary of the King’s passing?  Yep, August 16, 1977.  This week, as some of you know, was “Elvis Presley Week,” in Memphis, Tennessee.  This year’s crowd was probably around 500,000, and as usual, they were treated to an assortment of events related to The King of Rock ‘n Roll.  Including, I might add, the opportunity to purchase an autographed copy of my first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG.  (Available at leading bookstores throughout Memphis.)  I understand that sales were quite good, and God-willing, I will be holding a seminar at next year’s event.  Should be interesting!

I’d like to give a big “shout out” to my dearest friends in Memphis….  Ron and Debbie Lazarov.  (Thank you for introducing us to Corky’s barbecue!)  If you ever need a place to stay, call them.  (They only charge $175 per night for a room, but you get a free bottle of water.)

Speaking of great friends, I am very proud of Ms. Terri Schexnayder, my dear friend from the Writers League of Texas.  Terri just had a wonderful article published in Texas Highways Magazine, so if you’re a subscriber, check it out.  (The article is titled “Gone Fishing!” and it starts on page 15.)  Great writing, and some valuable information about the freshwater fishery center in Athens.  I had no idea that Terri went to Greece, or that Greeks loved catfish.  Hold on, make that Athens, Texas.  Oops, so much for my upcoming Greek humor.  (Read the article slowly, so that you can “Ab-ZORBA” the details.)  Hey, I had to make one joke!  (I know, it’s “still Greek to you!”)

My second nationally broadcast radio interview, featuring a discussion on THE SECOND MOURNING, can be heard (almost live) this coming Tuesday, August 19, at 12 noon ET.  The entire interview will be presented on WTAN-AM 1340 in Tampa, and KLRG-AM 880 in Little Rock.  We spent 30 minutes discussing the untold story of America’s most bizarre political murder – the assassination of President James A. Garfield.  I think you will find the broadcast intriguing and educational.

In closing, since we could all use a good laugh, I would like to share some things that I recently overheard at a local day camp.  (Where I went to speak to 10-year-old kids.)  They were discussing “world events,” and some of their comments were truly hysterical…

1.  My grandpa is a doctor, and he told me that granola is spreading throughout Africa.   (Thank God it’s not shredded wheat.)

2.  The Turds are being attacked by a group called IRIS.  (Who is this woman?)

3.  Hamas was firing mistletoe into Israel.  (Maybe they will kiss and make up.)

4.  President Obama is vacationing in Martha’s Backyard.  (I wonder if she knows about this, and if so, will invite IRIS?)

The above comments are all true, which reminded me of Art Linkletter’s old show, “Kid’s Say The Darndest Things.”  Ah, youth is wasted is on the young.  Still, it’s important to be young at heart, which just happens to be the title of one of my favorite songs.  I hope you all have a young and joyful week, and if you miss my broadcast, don’t fret.  (Do you think guitar players “fret?”)  I will post a link to the podcast sometime during the week.

Elvis loves ya, baby!

Doc Yanoff

 

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SMOKEY AND THE (BOOK) BANDIT…..

10-4 ROAD WARRIORS, THIS IS THE KING COBRA… DO YOU GOT YOUR EARS ON?  I just passed a Kojak with a kodak.  He looks like a county Mountie, but he may be a state trooper.  Keep the metal off the petal and watch for a bear in the bushes.  Roger that?  Gosh, I just love this trucker CB lingo!  One question, though…..  Who’s this guy Roger they’re always talking about?

Well, as you can see, I’ve been spending a little too much time on the road.  By the way, did you know that our Interstate system is laid out in a gridlock, I mean, grid-like fashion?  Check it out, good buddies.  The even numbered roads run east to west.  (I-10, I-20, I-30, etc.)  The odd numbered roads run north to south.  (I-55, I-75, I-95, etc.)  Our Interstate system was apparently designed by a Czech!  I once passed a “bad Czech” (on the highway) but that’s another story.

My first stop (after Nashville) was Valdosta, Georgia.  I attended a book club event, autographed a few copies of THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH, and then proceeded to amuse the Southern belles that were gathered at the big house.   Naturally I managed to make a fool of myself by inquiring about “Valdosta Onions.”  (They’re actually called VIDALIA Onions!)  Nevertheless, I did not lose my “appeal” to the group… and nobody was brought to tears.  Well, except for a few tears of laughter when I did my Rhett Butler impression.

I had “Georgia on my mind” until I reached warm and sunny Florida.  The weather has been absolutely perfect.  Last night my brothers and I threw a surprise party for our mother, who just turned 88 years old.  Two of Grandma’s favorite nieces (Rachel and Rebecca) flew in from Austin, Texas, and surprised everyone with a guest appearance!  We wined and dined at the Addison Club in Delray Beach… and feasted on the most incredible seafood (think lobster) buffet in the world!  A truly wonderful evening was had by all, and thanks to my generous sister-in-law (Miss Grace) we intend to have another gourmet festival this afternoon…..  when we will be celebrating the 39th birthday of my beautiful wife, Miss Patty.  (Think great Italian food!)

While we’re on the subject of celebrations…..   My third mystery novel, DEVIL’S COVE has just landed on the best-seller table at BookPeople in Austin, Texas!  If you need a copy, come on down!  (I will be happy to provide an autograph.)   Even more exciting, is the wonderful news we just heard about Miss Kellie (the enchanting daughter of Judge Susan)   Along with her handsome hubby, John, we are celebrating the soon-to-be birth of a little baby girl!  The princess is due on September 1, 2014.  (At approximately 3:45 p.m.)  If you intend to visit, please bring your own french fries, as Miss Kellie is rather stingy with her spuds!

We have about 5 more days of Floridian fun ahead of us, and then it’s back on the book tour trail, bound for Tallahassee, Mobile, New Orleans, and then Austin.  Whence I return, I will have a major announcement about book number four (THE SECOND MOURNING) so please stay tuned.  Until then, take care, and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff, The Sun Tan Man.

 

TRICK OR TREAT!!

WAIT!  DO NOT DISCONNECT ME!  This blog has nothing to do with Obamacare!  (If it did, you wouldn’t have been able to log on to the site in the first place!)  No politics are allowed!  I am strictly neutered.  (Is that the right word?)  Well, in any case, I hope you are having a pleasant Sunday.  I am recovering from another costume party and a wine tasting that got out of control.  Fortunately, this event was followed by a poker game, and the Mighty Cobra struck again!  (I hauled in $25, cash on the barrelhead.  Maybe the barrel was on my head, but you get the point.)

What do you think about the government mandating health care insurance?  (My wife had a few man dates in college, but that’s another story.)  Personally, I think they should mandate the purchase of my mystery novels.  I happen to know that my books have cured a number of patients suffering from insomnia.  Just saying.

I trust you had a happy Halloween?  Did you know that the word “Halloween” means “hallowed or holy evening?”  This would be a Scottish term, dating back to 1745.  Believe it or not, the Scots still celebrate by carving turnips instead of pumpkins!  (Which might account for their frugal reputation.)  I once fell off the back of a turnip truck.  I was young and naive.  Maybe I was young and a knave.  I forget which, but you get the drift.

Incidentally, do you know why ghosts can’t have children?  (Even when the “spirit moves them?”)  Because they have…..  hallow weenies!  (Ouch!)  My neighbor’s kid told me that joke.

Now for the important stuff…..          The five finalists for “Outstanding Book Design of the Year” have been announced by Murder Ink Press and listed in the New York Times Book Review Section.  Incredibly, both THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH have made the final cut!  The winner will be announced in December, and three prizes will be awarded.  I hope I win a trophy, but I would prefer cash, that way I can buy my own trophy and still have some money left over for tequila.

Just a thought…..  I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs.  I hear they have to pick up their own food if they drop it on the floor.

Speaking of people, dogs, and food…..  I had a lovely visit to Stephenville this week.  Not only is the whole town named after me (I think) but it is also the self-described “Cowboy Capital of the World.”  Fortunately, these cowboys love a good mystery, so our book signing was a big success.  Stephenville is roughly 3 hours north of Austin, and is the home of Tarleton State University, the Cowboy Walk of Fame, and Lone Star Arena.  If you decide to make the trip, don’t miss lunch at the world famous “Beans and Franks” restaurant.  The food is really good, and you won’t need to stop for gas on the way home!  (Just make sure your power windows are working.)

Since we’re on the subject of cowboys, I have a trivia question for you…..  What do they call a dull cow in Stephenville?  (Answer:  “A milk dud!”)  All right, I just made that up, but it’s still funny.

Next week I will be posting from a remote and tropical setting, so stay tuned for another exciting road trip/literary adventure…..  I will not disappoint my fans!  Even if it means posting a blog and a bail bond!   Until then, have a safe and prosperous week…..       Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

SOMETHING FISHY!

SO GET A LOAD OF THIS…..  I have owned 5 different boats, 7 trailers (don’t ask), a countless number of rods and reels, and several million fishing lures during my illustrious career as an outdoorsman.  All this for 5 or 10 good fish.  (worth eating)  So what happens last week?  Well, I spent about 5 days in the lovely coastal village of Port Aransas, Texas.  Outside of our condo, there was a fishing pier, which I visited one evening….. and caught about 30 redfish and trout!  Without a boat!  Without a trailer!  Using a borrowed rod and reel!  I’m telling you folks, life just ain’t fair!

My wife also did some hooking.  (Better make that, fishing.)  She can cast quite well.  On a “scale” of one to ten, I would give her an eight.  She didn’t catch any fish, but she did manage to pierce a tourist from Arkansas.  (Holy moly!)  We stayed at the Dunes Condominiums, which are right on the beach.  The weather was simply incredible, bright sunshine every day, and the water was actually quite warm.  (Warmer than the Caribbean!)  Port A is truly a lovely place, but they need a nude beach.  Not that I would go there.  I once went bottomless and asked a lady if I was making her uncomfortable.  She replied…..  (all together now) “No, it’s no big thing!”

Good news on the publishing front…..   THE GRACELAND GANG went to the printer on Friday and in two or three weeks it will hit Amazon.com, Kindle, Nook, etc.  I think my fans, or should I say Adam Gold’s fans, will really enjoy the new book.  Judge Susan is the only resident of North America who has seen the newly designed cover, and she absolutely adored the darn thing.  (Or was that me she was referring to?)

Speaking of Judge Susan…..  I would like to send my warmest wishes to her lovely daughter, Miss Kellie.  Just want you to know that we are all thinking about you, Miss K!  (But you already knew that, right?)

My new publisher tells me that THE PIRATE PATH (another Adam Gold masterpiece) will be going to the book design department one day next week.  I have seen the initial layout, and once again, I am overwhelmed by the professionalism of the resident artists.

The really BIG news is that my first (and so far, only) non-fiction book (THE SECOND MOURNING) has been read by a VERY prominent literary agent who absolutely loved the manuscript!  I was truly surprised by his positive response, and I am now putting together a formal book proposal.  I shall, as they say, keep you informed of my progress.  Keep you fingers crossed for me!

My blog followers in Zaire (yeah, that’s right, I’m huge in Africa) have sent me some photographs of their last book club meeting, and with my daughter’s help, I will try to post them next Sunday.  Do you know what they serve as a snack during their meetings?  Baked missionary!  (All right, I’m lion.)  Maybe I should stop “beating around the bush?”  Bongo, bongo, bongo, I just hate to leave the Congo…..    However, I must prepare for the government shutdown.  (I’m stocking up on tequila)

Take care, have a great week, and look for the vivid details of my upcoming karaoke dinner party!  (Where can I buy ear-plugs?)   Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

DOOM WITHOUT GLOOM!

CHEER UP, MY FELLOW AMERICANS…..  I just received word that my Sunday blog will continue to receive funding even if our government shuts down on October 1st!    Nice to see that someone in Washington, D.C. has their priorities straight.  I understand they are taking some money from Homeland Security and putting into Homeland Humor.  Smart move.  Now I can continue producing sub-standard humor for the masses.  Hey, if a joke can’t stand on its own two feet, would that be considered a “lame joke?”  Hmmm.

Boy, some people are sooooo immature.  I’ve been trying to convince my family and friends that a semi-famous author like me needs a concubine.  (which is TOTALLY different than a porcupine.)  They think I’m being silly.  (Me, silly?)  If I had a concubine I would go from being an aspiring author to a perspiring one, and after all, isn’t that the goal of fame?  Look what hyper-sexuality did for Miley You-Can’t-Be-Serious, or Cyrus, or whatever her name might be.  (Meow.)

In case you’re wondering, my shoulder injury is behind me.  (Then again, both shoulders are behind me.)  I have been fully healed thanks to the magical touch of Will Ravenel, the world’s greatest rolfing therapist….. and a darn good magician, too!  Between coin tricks, Will works wonders with woefully worrisome and weary women and men who are willing to wander into his winsomely wonderful world.  (I dare you to say that ten times fast!)

Some of my fans are wondering if I am still planning to coat the back cover of my latest book (THE GRACELAND GANG) with Elmer’s Glue.  I’m not sure.  I’ve always wanted to write a book that people can’t put down.

Speaking of “put downs,” if those knuckleheads in Washington can’t reach an agreement, I will have to cancel my upcoming book tour to the Capitol.  My publisher was planning to hold a modest book release party on the steps of the Library of Congress, but if the government shuts down, the library closes.  Just between you and me, I sometimes wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Personally, I’m starting to dislike politics, even though I was named after George Washington, the father of our country.  (He was named in 1732, and I was named after that.)  I’m fed up with all of the bickering, yelling, threats, and accusations.  But enough about that concubine, let’s conclude on a happier note!

Did you know that the average person takes 17,280 breaths per day?  Well, now you do, so don’t forget to brush your teeth and gargle.  You need fresh breath to “scope” out the opposite sex.  Trust me, I’ve “brushed up” on this subject.  Feel free to cut and “paste” this paragraph.  All right, I’m running out of bad puns, so it’s time to leave…..  Have a great week and travel safely!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

LOVE’S LABOUR’S LOST!

NO, I’M NOT REFERRING TO BILL SHAKESPEARE’S PLAY!

Yesterday’s strike is over!  I struck out!  Judge Susan (who many of you know) has issued a temporary restraining order (a lot of folks think I should be restrained permanently!)  which requires me to go back to work and write another humorous blog post.  If I do not comply, she will hold me in contempt.  (I’d rather be held in her arms, but I digress.)  Well, you know what they say about the long arm of the law.  So…..

Did you know that Labor Day has NOTHING to do with pregnancy?  The holiday is always celebrated on the first Monday in September.  Oregon was the first state to make it a legal holiday.  (On February 21, 1887)  It became a federal holiday in 1894, when signed into law by Grover Cleveland.  (Cleveland was born in New Jersey, which was very confusing.  Supposedly, his parents wanted to name him Hoboken, but they were afraid that the neighborhood kids would call him “Hobo.”)   All right, I just made that up, but it’s still funny.

In recent years, Labor Day has become a huge retail sales day.  (Second only to the Christmas season’s “Black Friday.”)  It also marks the official end of summer, and in high society, the last day of the year when it is fashionable to wear a seersucker suit.  (I once saw a suit at Sears, and I was the sucker who bought it!)  I used to buy my clothes at Robert Hall.  (Robert threw them out and I hauled them in!)  I also had a pair of Buster Brown shoes.  (Brown on the top and bustin’ out of the sides!)  Right now I’m wearing my summer clothes.  (Summer mine, summer my brother’s!)  All right, all right, I’ll stop with the clothing jokes!

My wife (the health nut) asked me to join her at Pilates class this morning.  I thought she said “pie and latte,” so I went with her.  God, what a disappointment.  They asked me to leave!  Did you know that it is considered inappropriate to take video of a woman in tights?  Sounds like I’m “stretching the truth,” but that class was really weird.  (No coed showers?  What’s that about?)

Hey, my beautiful daughter, Rachel, was featured on KVUE this week.  (A local station here in Austin)  They were doing a segment on local artists and Rachel’s work was highlighted.  She does extraordinary custom paint designs for all sorts of businesses in the city.  (Great interview, but she failed to mention her father or any of his books!)

Speaking of books……  (nice transition, eh?)  My new publisher, Murder Ink Press, has come up with an outstanding new title for the re-issuance of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  (I’m not supposed to let the cat out of the bag until the release date.)  The new cover is also terrific, and I think that all of my fans and followers will be quite pleased.  The revised edition will be released sometime in September.

Well, I must leave you now.  I am off to a wonderful barbecue at Jaime and Gary Rubinstein’s house.  They have a gorgeous new home in Lakeway, and they are superb hosts.  A great time will be had by all.  (Gary does the cooking, and believe me, he makes food fit for a king.  Here King, here King….. )

Again, happy Labor Day.  And remember, if work is so great, how come they have to pay you to do it???     Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

MEMPHIS IN MOURNING!

NO, THEY DIDN’T RUN OUT OF PORK RIBS AT CORKY’S!

Last Friday, August 16, marked the 36th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death.  Hard to believe, but the King of Rock ‘n Roll died in 1977.  Oddly enough, his passing is “celebrated” with an annual week-long festival known as “Elvis Presley Week.”  In mid-August, the city is transformed into one big Elvis event, and each year over 400,000 people show up to join the party!  Believe me, it is quite a sight.  (Try to picture several thousand Elvis impersonators!)

Naturally, copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT will be available at various locations throughout the city.  (One vendor is selling only autographed copies….. my signature, not Elvis.)  I don’t make a great sum of money, but the publicity is wonderful, and I get to meet some interesting characters.

Speaking of books, I am currently reading a book about anti-gravity.  (I just can’t put it down!)  Incidentally, last week I mentioned that Elvis Presley’s Army uniform was about to be auctioned off in Dallas.  Well, how much do you think it fetched?  How does $35,000 sound?  While this was a decent price, it didn’t come close to the King’s peacock jumpsuit that sold for….. $300,000 in 2008!  In any case, I’ve decided to sell my socks on eBay, so don’t be a “heel” and buy a pair.  Each pair has been thoroughly washed, so you won’t get “toe-maine” poisoning.

How about some “food for thought?”   Last week’s book signing was held in Lampasas, which was followed by a Moonlight Swim at Hancock Springs.  (Although there wasn’t much moonlight at 4 p.m., the swim was wonderful, and we stopped at Hopdoddy’s for dinner!)  If you go to Hopdoddy’s, order the “Llano Poblano” hamburger…..  An angus beef patty, topped with pepper jack cheese, roasted poblano peppers, apple-smoked bacon, and chipolte mayo.  Simply amazing…. especially with a 512 IPA Beer!  (or two)

I have recently viewed the new book cover for MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, and can report that it is simply marvelous.  The revised book should be out in early November, but by then, I may be back in the Caribbean!  Looks like we’re going on the road again, (or should I say the water?) and marching toward St. Thomas, St. John, and St. Martin.  (“When the saints, go marching in….. “)  Well, you know how that tune goes.  Yummy, yummy, more rum in my tummy!

Finally, if you want to try the BEST pancakes in the free world, come visit me in Austin, and I will take you to the Rise and Shine Bakery for their homemade buttermilk pancakes.  As Judge Susan and Princess Patty can attest, they are absolutely delicious!  I was there yesterday and I saw plenty of nice stacks.

Well, have a great week and remember not to believe everything you hear.  My wife thinks I’m a skeptic, but I don’t believe a word she says!  (Would you believe my neighbor has a skeptic tank?  What’s that about?)

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff