PLEASE NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS A GREAT DEAL OF EMBELLISHMENT AND EXAGGERATION. (Both of which fall under the purview of “Literary License.”)
WELL, IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT….. (Make that a hot and sunny day) whence our little ocean-going vessel limped along the Mosquito Coast of Central America, bound for the silver mines (tourist shops) of Cozumel, Mexico. Our intrepid captain, Lorenzo Ronzoni, (formerly of Costa Cruise Line) gave the order to drop anchor (sadly without checking that we were already tied to the pier) and then we went ashore, searching for the Lost City of Gold!
We arrived in Mexico after our “Bungle in the Jungle,” which saw one of our shipmates attacked and bitten by a hostile simian, not to be confused with an angry Syrian. The little monkey bit our compadre on the arm, and being a kind and gentle bunch of global-warming, rain-forest saving, nerds, we blew his head off. (Not our compadre’s head, the monkey’s head!) Just kidding. We are American citizens. We know what to do in these situations. (We immediately filed a ten million dollar lawsuit!)
After trekking through the jungles of Honduras, we snuck across the border and found ourselves in Belize. Unfortunately, the authorities also found us. Who knew you needed a passport to enter a foreign country? Anyway, we made our way to Belize City, and then realized that we had missed our dive and snorkel boat to the infamous “Blue Hole.” (Who knew they actually had a schedule?) I blamed my travel companions, and of course, they blamed me, so we returned to our “mother ship,” and consoled ourselves with a bucket of cold beer and more rum.
At this juncture, I might add that one of my companions was Judge Susan Marquess, of Austin, Texas. Her honor happens to be celebrating her 39th birthday today, so on behalf of our expeditionary group, I would like to wish her a very happy birthday. (Thank goodness we had a lawyer and judge in our party. We were able to post some very reasonable bonds throughout our voyage.)
Some bonds are broken, and so are some bones! I am happy to report that Barbara Talbott, the reigning poker champion of Honduras, only suffered a broken middle toe during her recent encounter with a Mayan pyramid. Funny how fast some folks can run when they think they are being chased by a jaguar. (Or a Mercedes.) The “Princess of Poker” (Her Mayan name) will be wearing a customized toe cast for six weeks, but after that, she will only have a slight limp for the rest of her natural life. (A small price to pay for such a wonderful jungle adventure!)
Incidentally, Dr. Max Talbott has fully recovered from a nasty bout of Somnus Maximus. (Sleeping Disease.) Apparently, the dreaded illness was NOT a result of an insect bite…. but the result of a prodigious consumption of Ten Cane Rum. Whew! For a while we thought he was a goner. Now that he has fully recovered (we think) I can tell you that we had already made final plans for the poor lad. (I contacted the very best taxidermist in Belize.) The idea was to stuff Max and put him on permanent display at the Blanton Museum in Austin. (Max loves being around art.)
You might be interested to know, that just like last year, I had an evening visit from one of the local terrorist groups in Mexico. Once again, I was forced to entertain a small band of masked baditos (or banditti, if you prefer) and as always, I was able to convince the poor outlaws that I had no denero. (Turns out they wanted Robert DeNiro, not money.) They were the first autograph hunter/banditos in the region. Odd group of outlaws, if you ask me. (One of them wore glasses and had his/her nose sticking out of the sheet slot which was slit in the sheet sort of south of the smiling section of the silky satin sleeping sack.) TRY SAYING THAT TEN TIMES IN A ROW!
For those of you who do not like tongue twisters, here are some facts about our recent voyage…… We traveled a total distance of 2,417 miles. (Mostly upon the water.) Our average ship speed was 18 knots. Our average walking speed was .005 miles per hour. Average nap time….. 64.8 minutes. Average consumption of alcohol and drugs (Codeine)….. undetermined.
Finally, I would like to thank all of the people who purchased a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT during the past two weeks. Your generosity has now made the book an INTERNATIONAL BEST SELLER. I can tell you that I actually saw my book in the ship’s library, and that many folks in Central America are now reading THE PRESLEY PLOT and are anxiously awaiting the release of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. (This includes many of the local citizens of Honduras, Belize, and Mexico, and a large number of jungle guerillas (NOT gorillas!) drug cartel members, federales, I.R.S. fugitives, and deposed dictators. (One cannot be too choosey about one’s readership.)
It will take a while to get this fantastic voyage out of my system (even with the antibiotics) so I will write again soon, whence I am fully recovered from my bout with pokus defeatus. (Poker losses.) Until then, it is wonderful to be home, back in the good old U.S.A. I missed clean water, indoor toilets, and well-behaved monkeys. (Our elected officials.) Take care, and they say in down south (far down south)….
Vaya con dios, no horda la Kaopectate!
Love to all,
Doc Yanoff (Senor Jugador Malo)
P.S. A word to the wise…… NEVER play Texas Hold ‘Em (or MONOPOLY) with the Corpus Christi Crusher. Yeah, she’s that good!