HOME SWEAT HOME!

AIN’T NUTHIN’ SWEET ABOUT THIS TEXAS HEAT, Y’ALL …..  Dang, it’s hot down here in Austin, Texas!  How hot is it?  (I’m glad you asked.)  It’s so hot the fire ants have opened up a Kool Aid stand!  It’s so hot the scorpions are crawling around with canteens!  It’s so hot…  Well, never mind, you get the idea.  Hey, before I forget, there’s an email going around offering Processed Pork, gelatin, and salt in a can.  If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT!  (It’s SPAM.)

So what else is new?  (Again, I’m glad you asked.)  Looks like Hillary Clinton is in big trouble because of her private server.  I’m not sure what that is, but I don’t think it’s a waitress.  I think it has something to do with a computer, and I detest those darn things.  Why?  (What’s with all the questions?)  Because somebody recently stole my identity online!  You know the most humiliating part?  The son of a gun returned my identity the next day.  He said that after careful consideration he did NOT want to be me!  Loser.

Check this out…  there’s a novelty store in Houston that’s selling Donald Trump pinatas!  Look on the bright side, something good will finally come out of the guy!

I see that President Obama went to a federal prison.  (Calm down, he was only visiting.)  I think he went there to discuss prison reform….. and spend some time with a bunch of former Congressmen.  Did you know that there are no Jewish people in federal prison?  Why?  Because they eat lox.  (locks?)  All right, that was lame.  I blame the heat.

On a brighter note, I am happy to report that the United States team recently won the International Math Olympics!  Who says American kids can’t compete with those brainy Asians?  Our juveniles are smarter than those dang foreigners!  Congratulations to the American team:  Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, Allen Liu, and their coach, Po-Shen Loh.  (I hope those Asian folks learned a lesson!)

Well, as you can see from today’s post, I’ve finally reached the Wonder Years.  (I wonder where my car is parked?  I wonder where I left my cell phone?  I wonder where my glasses are?  I wonder if I’ve used these jokes before?)  Oh well, time marches on, and it’s better to be in the parade than you-know-where.  Incidentally, copies of THE SECOND MOURNING are still selling briskly and the recent awards have really increased sales.  Amazingly, RANSOM ON THE RHONE is still one of the best-selling mysteries in France, so all is good on the literary front.

As some of you may know, we now have over 20,000 blog followers in 140 different countries.  That being the case, some folks overseas have asked if I would post a photograph of my home in America.  (No, they are not with ISIS.)  Well, since I aim to please, and appreciate my blog followers enormously, I am going to attempt to post a recent photo of my private abode.  (Notice I said abode, not commode.)  I might point out that shortly after this picture was taken, I had a reptile dysfunction on my porch.  A rather long, black snake decided to crawl through my legs as I was consuming a cold beer.  I have therefore attached (hopefully) a photo of this particular reptile.  By the way, this fellow was a non-venomous snake.  Very beautiful markings.  Quite tasty.

In closing, let me send my very best wishes to Ann D. in Round Rock.  Ann had a little accident the other day, but she is one tough gal and we know she will be back on her feet in the very near future.  We all wish you a speedy recovery, darling!  I look forward to speaking at your book club in September!  (Try to serve some lobster)

Vaya con dios, amigos y amigettes!  Have a safe and wonderful week…..    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Resident and reptile reproductions attached!

 

 

frontyardsnake

 

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

Lots of cedar pollen, too.  In any case, don’t inhale unless you want to become pregnant.  Yep, it’s that time again…  Valentine’s Day!  Actually, yesterday was the holiday.  Today is the day that smart people buy leftover chocolate at enormous discount.  How much chocolate?  Try 58 million pounds!  (No wonder we have so many “cocoa puffs!”)  Jeez, that’s a lot of candy.  In case you’re wondering, we also buy a lot of flowers.  There are petal pushers all around us!  Red roses are the most popular flowers.  (I give my wife “two lips.”)  So, what is the total annual cost of this great day?  Well, Americans spend roughly $450,000,000 per year to show their undying affection!

By now you might be wondering, who the hell was this guy Valentine? Good question.  Not much is known about the old boy, except that he was a Catholic bishop and a martyr.  (Martyr is the Latin word for husband.)  You can thank Geoffrey Chaucer for creating the event that became associated with romantic love.  During the Middle Ages, Geoff noticed that birds paired in mid-February, so he put two and two together and came up with our present holiday.

How we went from birdies to candy and cards is a mystery, but I love a good mystery…  and speaking of mysteries…  I am completely baffled by women.  (You thought I was going to mention my books, right?)  No sir, it is women that I find most puzzling.  Little things seem to annoy the ladies.  The other day I left the following note for my wife:  “Honey, someone from the Gyna Colleges called.  They said the Pabst beer is normal.  I thought you were a wine drinker?”   So, did the old girl thank me?  Nope!  She told me that I reminded her of her favorite flower.  (A bloomin’ idiot!)  No roses for her!  (My “two lips” are still swollen.)

I’m telling you folks, most women are riddles wrapped inside an enigma and covered with a Tootsie Roll.  Still, last night’s special occasion meal was wonderful.  I did drink a little too much, though.  This morning I tried to login to my iPad.  Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don’t own an iPad!  Who knew.

We finally finished the back book cover for RANSOM ON THE RHONE, so the book should be available in about two weeks.  I will keep you abreast of the situation.  Never mind,  you keep your breast.  I’ll let you know when the book hits the marketplace of ideas.  Until then, I would like to leave you with another idea…..

Marriage is like a deck of cards.  (Another poker analogy!)  How so?  Well, in the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond.  By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade!  Ouch!  (The old bat just punched me!)  The woman can’t take a joke.  (Although, in fairness, she did take me!)  On that pleasant and loving note, I shall take my leave of thee….   As my math teacher used to say, go forth and multiply!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  There is a photograph attached, and if you are the first person to identify the setting, you will win a free copy of THE SECOND MOURNING.  Good Luck!

 

DSCN1127

 

 

THE GREAT DEPRESSION!

I know what you’re thinking…  “Here we go again.  Another joke about Michael Moore’s Lazy Boy chair.”  Well, you’re wrong.  I couldn’t care less what that buffoon thinks of the movie “American Sniper.”  I know the truth.  I’ve spent countless hours, even days, in the woods hunting for snipe.  And since we’re on the subject of movies, what’s up with all this criticism of Hollywood’s lack of diversity?  Before you know it, Susan Sarandon will be starring in a remake of her most famous film, but she will call it, “Selma & Louise.”  (The role of Louise to be played by GloZell.)

Getting back to “depressing subjects,” what do you folks think about Deflate-gate?  My wife was shocked, shocked I say, to learn that the Patriots deflated their own footballs.  Now she’s wondering if the New York Yankees have been doing the same thing!  (Hey, at least she hasn’t asked about Tiger Woods!)

According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s!  (I might be wrong, but I think every one of them was re-elected last November.)

Bad news on the tax front.  Due to budget cuts, the I.R.S. is warning of long delays in getting a tax refund.  How bad have things become?  The I.R.S. is considering a merger with the DMV!  The good news is that the I.R.S. will be conducting fewer audits, so if you’ve been thinking of claiming your pets as dependents, this might be the year to do it.  (Where is that darn dog, anyway?)

Sad to report that Joe Franklin passed away last night.  Joe was 88 years old, and the long-time host of a local T.V. program in New York.  Back in the day, he was nice enough to allow a young, struggling playwright to promote his newest comedy on air.  (Me!)  He was a complete gentleman and one of the nicest people in show business.  R.I.P., sweet prince!

In closing, I have a very special treat for all of my loyal blog followers.  The front cover of my soon-to-be-released 7th mystery is now completed, and the book (RANSOM ON THE RHONE) is on its way to the publisher!  I am attaching (hopefully) a photograph of the cover, and I would love to hear your opinions.  Just so you have something to compare it to, here is the descriptive paragraph that appears on the back cover:

“The theft of a priceless Gobelin tapestry drags insurance investigator, Adam Gold, into the murky and violent world of international artnapping – and a life or death struggle with the Corsican mafia.  In an effort to retrieve the tapestry, Gold will also become embroiled in the recovery of artwork stolen by the Nazis during World War II.  A deadly confrontation will ensue, culminating in a startling and unforgettable climax.”

Well, that’s about it for this morning…   I hope you like the new book cover, and I will let you know when it becomes available for purchase.  Thanks again for your continued encouragement and support!  Have a safe and happy week…  Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

 

 

RansomOnTheRhoneCover

 

 

YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND…

WAIT, don’t log out!  I promise not to sing a James Taylor song!  I actually enjoy his music, but that performance with Secretary Kerry was, well, a bit “off-key.”  Well, I guess it could have been worse.  Just imagine if Kerry wanted to sing the chorus.  Personally, since they were serenading the French, I think they should have picked a more appropriate song.  I was thinking of an Elvis Presley tune, his 1961 hit, SURRENDER!  Of course, the French being French, they would have undoubtedly chosen a Rolling Stone’s song.  (Let’s Spend The Night Together.)

Speaking of lame politicians, the rumors are true!  I have been asked to run for the school board!  (Fitting, since I was always bored in school.)  I told the selection committee that I was unqualified to run for public office.  (I have never been arrested, my wife won’t let me have a girlfriend, and I only accept bribes of Kentucky Bourbon.)  Furthermore, I paraphrased the words of that great statesman, William T. Sherman, and told them:  “If nominated, I will not run.  If elected, I will not serve.  If I am forced to serve, I want a big tip.”  They haven’t gotten back to me yet, so your children are still safe.

A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal.  And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination!

And since we’re on the subject of safe destinations, last night’s gala birthday dinner party at Chateau Talbott was a complete culinary and winery success!  Guests were treated (they didn’t charge this time) to a marvelous rendition of coffee-rubbed pot roast served over Alabama cheese grits.  Naturally, I regaled the entourage with some delightful tales of my misspent youth, and several of the ladies actually remained in a conscious state during my oration.

We were celebrating the joint birthdays (no, NOT that type of joint) of Judge Susan and the Queen of Board Games, Miss Jaimie.  The ladies are aging marvelously and still retain the lustre and glow of vitality, despite years of making out and dirty dancing.  They were both thrilled that the new Congress will have 104 women.  (Now you know why they call it the Washington “Mall!”)

Still freezing in most parts of the country.  I suggested that they ship hot soup in the Keystone Pipeline.  No response from the EPA.  Hey, did you see that Dallas had a 3.5 magnitude earthquake?  Some folks are blaming fracking in Oklahoma, but I think it was probably caused by Governor Christie jumping up and down after the Cowboys football victory.  Just saying.

For those of you that are sick and tired of reading those lousy books by Grisham, Patterson, and King (sounds like a dang law firm) cheer up!  I will be initialing the final publishing contracts for my new book on Monday morning!  (Tomorrow.)  Shortly thereafter, you will be able to drop everything you’re doing (which I don’t mind, unless you’re feeding a baby) and run over to the computer to order your copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE!  Hopefully, I will attach a few photographs of my visit to the city of Lyon at the end of this blog post.  (Lyon is in the center of France, and is thought to be the culinary capital of the country.)

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a wonderful upcoming week.  Thanks to your continued support, our Sunday blog finished 2014 in the top 5% of all blog sites in the country!  This minor miracle could not have been accomplished without your loyal and loving support, so thank you very much!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.   Photographies de France attaches.  (Photographs of France attached)

 

DSCN1070DSCN1072DSCN1059

 

THE KING OF SING!

Hard to believe, but last Thursday, January 8th, would have been Elvis Presley’s 80th birthday!  Everyone has a favorite Elvis song.  My wife loves the tune that reminds her of our honeymoon…  Heartbreak Hotel.  (She ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog!)  Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea, also celebrated a birthday last week.  He spent the day executing a few of his closest friends and reading Sony’s emails.  What a guy.  No wonder he likes Dennis Rodman.

Getting back to The King, I am pleased to report that my first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG, has become one of the best-selling books on the official Graceland website!  If you’re looking for some Presley memorabilia, check out “Graceland @ shop.com”  I sent them a case of autographed copies, but they’re almost sold out, so don’t wait too long!  (Of course, you could also call me.  But don’t call “collect.”)

And since we’re on the subject of books, if you’ve “Googled” my name in recent weeks you might have noticed that THE PIRATE PATH and DEVIL’S COVE (books two and three) have now been translated into Japanese!  I understand that the books are now available throughout Japan.  All I can say is “arigato.”  (No kidding, that’s all I can say!)

By the way, for those of you who live in Estonia, good news.  You will soon have electricity and running water.  (Just kidding.)  My first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has recently been translated into Estonian!  One must ask, can Belarus and Latvia be far behind?  I’d actually like to go to Estonia, even though it’s a very poor country.  (They can’t even afford a coat of arms!)  I just hope my books are being discounted.  (Most of my writing is discounted.)

Hey, it looks like Bill Gates isn’t so rich after all.  I just saw a photograph of him drinking a glass of water that was filtered from human excrement!  Jeez, I hope he got into the fraternity.  Now I know why his wife is always screaming about the toilet seat.  (I’ve been down that road once or twice myself!)

For those of you that are still awake, I’ve got some more good news!  The fourth installment of the “Adam Gold Mystery Series” is now at the publisher and undergoing a final check for accuracy, decency, and honesty.  (There’s no way this book will sneak through!)  God willing, you will soon see RANSOM ON THE RHONE online and in your favorite book store.  Until then, you will just have to read some lessor authors, like King, Patterson, and Grisham.

In truth, I’m working as fast as I can.  When I was working in the insurance business in New York City, I never took a day off!  (Couple of weeks, but never a day.)  What can I say, my work ethic is superb.  In fact, my Dad used to tell me that I did the work of three men!  (Moe, Larry, and Curly!)  Well, dear friends, I must leave you now.  I must take Baker, the wonder dog, to the park.  I lead a “ruff life.”

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

DownloadedFilegracelandgangcover

LEST WE FORGET…..

TOMORROW IS MEMORIAL DAY!  That being the case, I would like to start with a huge THANK YOU to all who have served in our nation’s military.  We appreciate your service to our country and I salute you for your efforts to keep us free.  God bless each and every one of you!  I don’t know if I ever mentioned it, but my father was in the Army Air Corps during World War II.  Airman Yanoff flew across the Atlantic Ocean on a B-24 (a rare event at the time) and served as a tail-gunner during the campaign in North Africa.

I used to kid my father about the first 3 aircraft he shot down.  I told him that he would have gotten a medal if they hadn’t been BRITISH aircraft!  He would laugh, and then tell me that he might have gotten a medal AND a promotion if they had been FRENCH aircraft!  Like most men who served back then, he had a sense of humor about his experience, but was also very proud of his involvement.

Thanks to Sgt. Max Talbott, I received a long-overdue medal for “good conduct” from the U.S. Air Force.  (I tried to enlist, but failed the entrance exam.)  I received the medal (after a 30-year wait) because I returned the test pencil!  Better late than never.  Not to brag, but I once worked for the Salvation Army.  I was stationed in Times Square, and if I remember correctly, I raised quite a bit of money.  (Of which I only kept half.)  Hard service, but somebody had to do it.

In case you’re wondering, our Friday night food festival was a big success.  We had the pleasure of entertaining the Princess of Portugal and her wealthy hubby, Baron Lee.  Judge Susan was also in attendance, as well as some uninvited guests…..  which brings us to the main course….. roast COATIMUNDI!  (A truly amazing delicacy from South America.)  Trust me, you haven’t dined lavishly until you’ve eaten a ring-tailed Coati with fried onion rings.  After dinner, we watched “Fiddler On The Roof,” which seemed oddly appropriate, since that is where we caught the main course.

If I sound like I’m rambling, it’s because I’ve only had one cup of coffee.  Still, I think I’ve discovered a Sunday morning pattern…..   Denial.  Anger.  Bargaining.  Depression.  Acceptance.  Yes, these are the five stages of waking up!  What a gift to be young (?) and talented!  Reminds me of an old adage…..  “Talent is good.  Practice is better.  Passion is best.”  Frank Lloyd Wright said that, he knew about talent.  He and his brothers, Orville and Wilbur invented the first airplane….. the one that flew at Kitty Wells.

In closing, I would like to thank all of my blog followers for supporting my recent literary effort.  (THE SECOND MOURNING)  I have been fortunate to receive some excellent reviews, but I am fully prepared for a bad review!  If and when I receive some unkind words, I shall order the following license plate for that mean old person…..    are you ready?

How do you like this plate?          370HSSV

To get the full effect, you must read the plate upside down!

Yes, I know, talent on loan from God!   Have a safe and wonderful week!   Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

SecondMourning

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN NON-FICTION, TOO!

BELIEVE IT OR NOT…..  3 days after the publication of my first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, (The True Story of President Garfield’s assassination) thieves broke into Garfield’s tomb in Cleveland, Ohio!!  No joking.  Vandals shattered a window to get inside a 180-foot-tall monument at Lakeview Cemetery in Cleveland Heights!

Interestingly, Garfield’s casket is the ONLY Presidential casket on full display for the public to view.  (He’s buried beside his wife, Lucretia.)  The thieves stole some silver spoons from a glass display case, but they were not able to reach the coffins.  They couldn’t have lifted them out anyway.  Too much dead weight.  (Ouch!)

In case you’re wondering, I had NOTHING to do with the break-in, and furthermore, I have an air-tight alibi.  Still, you have to admit that the timing is a little suspicious.  Book comes out, grave robbers go in.  Hmmm.

I’d like to thank my friend, and poker buddy, Kevin Evans, for sending me the link about the break-in.  If you want to read the full story, just go to:   http://www.foxnews.com   (Published on 5/11/14.)

Incidentally, I am happy to report that THE SECOND MOURNING has sold over 300 copies on Amazon.com alone!  (Not counting Kindle and Nook.)  I’d like to thank all of my blog followers who have purchased a book, and please remember that anyone who buys 3 or more copies can audition for the movie role of Charles Guiteau.  (The deranged psychopath who shot Garfield.)  Yeah, I know.  They don’t make guys like me anymore.

Speaking of rare guys…  I’d like to say “top o’ the mornin'” to my good friend Max Talbott (and his lovely lass, Barbara)  who are presently vacationing in Ireland.  They are having a grand time, but Max got into a little trouble in Belfast.  Apparently, he walked into a bank and inquired about opening an I.R.A.  (I think they’ve been outlawed.  So has Max.)

My wife’s maiden name was McCloskey, and she told me that she was recently at an authentic Irish wedding where the M.C. made the following announcement:  “Would all the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living.”  (The bartender was almost crushed to death!)   And since we’re on the subject of crushes, please remember that if you love books (or me) you are invited to attend a gala book signing event on Friday, June 6, at 7 p.m.   The event will be held at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd.  (Next to Whole Foods.)  Free admission, free parking, free porches.  (Just kidding about the cars.)

By the way, I’m sorry this blog came out a little late today, but I just got back from another wild weekend in Boerne, Texas.  My brother-in-law, Tim McCloskey was celebrating his 60th birthday, so he and the lovely Miss Hannah threw a lavish party at their one-of-a-kind ranch.  Unfortunately for me, they had some authentic “moonshine,” which tasted mighty smooth going down, but it had a bit of a kick.  (From what I recall, it was a very long night.)

In closing, I would like to mention a new survey that said that 55 percent of Americans think they are smarter than the “average American.”  Damn, that’s almost half.  The same study indicated that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash.  (They’re called Liberal Arts Majors.)   Well, have a safe and prosperous week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff