IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT…..

STAY OUT OF TEXAS!  Actually, the phrase goes like this…  “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.”  Truman said that.  Who knew that Truman Capote was so concerned about the weather?  Live and learn.  Make that, live and burn, if you live in Texas.  So here’s the deal…  Yesterday it was 106 degrees, which keeps the riff raff off of the golf course, and this morning it is 75 degrees.  By my calculation, that would be a 31 degree swing!  (The participation is 40%)  I think more folks would participate if it was cooler.  Just saying.

As you can see, we are now enjoying the “Dog Days of Summer.”  (The weather has been very “ruff.”)  Just in case you become a contestant on a game show, I think you should know that this term applies to a 40-day period from early July to early September.  There are many myths concerning the origin of the term, but in fact, it was coined in ancient Rome.  “Dog Days” refers to the rising and setting of the second brightest star besides the sun.  (no, not me.)  That would be Sirius, the Dog Star.  Sirius was one “hot dog.”  During this 40 day period, the temperatures rose astronomically, so to speak, and folks began to refer to the “Dog Days” of the year.

I know what you’re thinking.  Everybody complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.  Well, just for the record, that quote is often misattributed to Mark Twain (one of my literary idols).  In fact, it was first uttered by Charles Dudley Walker, an American essayist and novelist.  (Who was also a close friend of Mark Twain.)  So you see, I’m not the only one who steals material from a colleague!  (As I often say, “If they ain’t heard it before, it’s original!)

And speaking of original ideas and literary genius…..  THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE continue to rack up some impressive sales, and earlier this week, our blog gained two new countries!  Yours truly is now a best-selling author in the Philippines and in Madagascar!  (Just between you and me, Madagascar sounds like a race car organization.  But hey, the place has a population of 18 million readers, I mean, people.)  In any case, WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

Last Friday was an important day in the world of quality literature.  I finally finished my final revisions on DEVIL’S COVE, and the manuscript was sent to the printer!  We also corrected the spacing of the letters on the front cover, and now it looks marvelous, simply marvelous.  I’m told that I should have the first copy in several weeks, and then shortly thereafter, it will be available on all of the major internet markets.  Please feel obligated to purchase at least one copy.  (My air-conditioning bill is going to be high this month!)

I shall leave you with this profound thought….   All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism!

Have a safe and pleasant week…..    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE!

OOPS, TOO LATE… NOW YOU HAVE TO READ MY ENTIRE BLOG POST…

SO….. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or smart phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?  Well, almost no one.  CNN reports that there are 500 “sightings” per month, but alas, most are aircraft (earthly ones) or weather balloons.  I recently read that both Jimmy Carter and Dennis Kucinich are among the political class who swear to have seen a UFO.  Somehow, this does not surprise me.  I always wondered where their “home districts” really were.

Of course, there is another explanation… perhaps our intergalactic visitors have been furloughed due to the sequester?  Takes a lot of fuel to go from Mars to Earth, and then there are the tolls.  Not an easy trip.  (The AAA map weighs 75 pounds!)

Well, in any case, I am not interested in heading north.  No sir, my motto this week was “Go west, young man!”  Heeding the words of Horace Greeley, I packed up the old Ford pickup and drove west, bound for a sold-out book signing/speaking engagement in the lovely town of Wimberley, Texas.  (No, I did not go to Wimberley on a whim!)

I was actually invited, and I must admit, Wimberley is quite whimsical in a wonderful way.  (Whew!)  This was not my first trip to the lovely burgh, but the last time I was there I went swimming in the famous “blue hole,” a charming, spring-fed spot on Cypress Creek.  If you haven’t seen this little gem, you owe it to yourself to take a drive out yonder.  (If you go in April, you will see some truly amazing fields of Texas wildflowers.)  Did you know that they named a flower after Dennis Rodman?  (It’s called a “bloomin’ idiot!”)

So what else is new…..  Well, last night we celebrated not one, but two birthdays!  Miss Barbara (Talbott) and Miss Patty (Yanoff) reached an important milestone.  (Actually, they are both several miles down the road, if you know what I mean.)  Together with a large crowd of well-wishers (led by Judge Susan, and Helena and Lee Bomblatus) we ate, drank, made merry.  (Merry was our waitress.)  Thank God she didn’t complain about my tip.  Geez, that would have been embarrassing!

During the birthday festivities, Judge Susan gave me a box of cheese pockets from a famous Dallas bakery (No, I will NOT post the name…. the lines are getting too long!) and as I peck away, I am devouring the last tender morsels of my morning treat.  Bless you, Susan.

I will be sharing a beer or two with Larry Brill on Tuesday, so if you would like to meet this (semi) famous television personality, or learn about his forthcoming literary efforts, drop by North by Northwest around 5 p.m.  (We should still be erect by then.)

After my sterling (make that silver-plated) performance at the poker table last week, I will be putting my title on the line this evening…. as I play in another W.S.O.P. tournament, challenged, as it were, by a host of pretenders-to-the-throne.  Knaves!  Varmints!  Visigoths!  (What the hell is that?)  Do these fools really think they can beat the mighty COBRA?   Have they read THE PRESLEY PLOT?  Have they read MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE?   (I couldn’t think of any other way to get the book titles into the blog.)  Never mind, those are just rhetorical questions.

I will leave you with a thought I recently had.  As I was driving back from Wimberly, I spotted a herd of cattle.  Have you heard of cattle?  I digress… So as I’m driving down the highway, I says to myself, “Steve, I says, who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out.’ ”   Now there’s a fellow I’d like to meet.  (Need I mention that he had a “lot of pull?”)  Got Milk?

Well, I must run… another grueling day of writing, eating, drinking, and poker awaits the mighty Cobra!  I hope everyone has a great week….   don’t forget to set your clocks ahead or back, depending on your political persuasion.  Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

 

 

DRIBS AND DRABS…..

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRIB AND A DRAB??   (Me neither)  Well as they say in guitar class, don’t fret.  They basically mean the same thing.  (“A small drop”)  Some folks think that the word “Drib” is short for “Dribble.”   They are wrong.  You can’t get much shorter than a drib.  And by the way, speaking of shortening words….  How come the word “Abbreviation” is so darn long?  Does that make sense to you?  (Me neither)  Such is the English language, which just happens to be one of 2,700 languages in the world.  (Composed of roughly 750,000 words!)  Oddly enough, I can only spell 10% of them.  Bummer dude.

AND NOW FOR SOME DRIBS AND DRABS…….   I had my hour-long telephone interview with AMAZON BOOK CLUB on Monday.  The conversation went very well and the good folks at Amazon will be dedicating a FULL PAGE to THE PRESLEY PLOT sometime in the next week or two.  (I will keep you informed.)  They intend to run a full book cover, my photo, and a lengthy review of the book.  The Amazon Book Page will be sent to…..  100,000 websites across the world!  I am very excited about this development.  Book sales should swell.  (Along with my ego!)

Playing under the nom de plume of “THE COBRA,” I entered a huge poker tournament this past week.  The prizes were substantial (But I am loath to mention the amounts, due to my recent I.R.S. Blog followers)  and as usual, I made a fine and slithering show of myself.  I placed SECOND, and would have won if not for a damn “river king.”     Ah well, I still had a great time and raked in some moola.  (Do cows ever rake in “moo-la?”)  Just asking.

Ravi Shankar passed away this week.  The New York Times (a commie rag) described him as a “prolific sitarist,” but I don’t think he was that clever or funny.  The lad was 92, which meant that he “strung us along” for many years.  (So much for satire.)  Speaking of the Times, do you guys remember William Satire, the columnist?  Now he was clever and funny.

Hilary Clinton must be writing a book, too.  I heard she fell down and came up with a conclusion.  (She should quit while she’s still “ahead.”)

I just finished my third mystery novel yesterday!  (Titled…..   “DEVIL’S COVE.”)   The tale is centered around the planned theft of the Gutenberg  Bible from the Ransom Center in Austin.  After I finished it, I realized that I could write a “healthier” sequel for folks on a special diet.  In the second book, the bad guys would try to steal a “Guten-free Bible” made of protein-less wheat!  (They hope to get a lot of “dough” for the book.)   Do this sound like an interesting “slice” of life?  Will Adam Gold “rise” to the occasion?  Will he protect the “upper crust” of society?  These, and many other bad puns, await my dedicated followers!

A word to some of those followers……   Our thoughts and prayers go out to my great friend Max Talbott, who is now in Indiana handling a family situation.  God’s speed, cousin!   Happy belated birthday to a brilliant and beautiful lady named Christine Nickles!  (One of my oldest and dearest friends!)   Hard to believe she’s sixty.  (That means I’m getting older, too!)  A big kiss to Miss Rebecca Lee.  (Suffering from allergies)  I hope you are feeling better today!   A huge “Thank You” to the Fort Worth chapter of the Presley fanatics.  They purchased a large amount of books recently.  If you need some autographs, just let me know and I’ll meet you at the Stockyards!  (And buy you a big steak!)

SPEAKING OF ELVIS PRESLEY……   On this day, in 1956, The King made his 50th (and final) appearance on “Louisiana Hayride.”    And more importantly……  Elvis must have been a little chilly, because he was just about to be contacted by his local “draft board!”   (You’re in the Army now!)     One last item….. also on this day, in 2004, Lisa Marie Presley announced that she would keep Graceland, but sell the bulk of the Elvis estate.  (Which she did, for…..  $100,000,000!)   Not bad for a hillbilly singer.

Well, I hope I have brought some cheer into your lives.  (This has been a rough week for a lot of us.)    Please take good care of yourselves and have a wonderful week.   (As the Jewish gastroenterologist once said…..  “This too shall pass!”)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff