Elvis Presley Fan Clubs

March 3, 2013

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

Hey, that sounds like the title of a new mystery novel.  As a matter fact, it is the title of a new mystery novel!  That’s right, folks, book number two in the “Adam Gold Mystery Series” will soon be available to the general public.  Due to popular demand (my mother) the publisher is moving forward with a mid-March release date!  Naturally I will contact you via our blog when the book is available on Amazon.com, but you shouldn’t have long to wait, as we made great progress this week on the cover design.

Fortunately, I was lucky enough to find a wonderful business model.  (Her name is Helga.  I think she’s from one of the Scandinavian countries….. she keeps saying “Nor-way” when I ask for a massage.)  Not to brag, but back in the day, she was a centerfold in Popular Mechanics Magazine.

THE PRESLEY PLOT (book number one in the series) continues to garner rave reviews and sales have been quite good.  If you log onto “Amazon Book Clubs” you will see that the book is one of the best-selling new mysteries of the year!  While you are there, check out the reviews!

AND NOW FOR SOME OTHER NEWS…..   When I’m not writing mystery novels, I like to play poker, but as of late there is a new poker champion in our family.  Once again, the mighty Cobra (my poker name) was defeated by this up-and-coming poker star….. The Corpus Christi Crusher!  (a/k/a Patty Yanoff)    Last Thursday the Crusher won first place in another tournament!  (In so doing, she has now pushed us into a higher tax category….  fortunately, I have stopped paying all taxes.)

Incidentally, both Patty and my sweet mother, Hazel Yanoff, celebrated birthdays this past week.  Both ladies turned 39 (I only repeat what I’m told) and both celebrated with elaborate dinners and lots of gifts.  If I had been in Boca Raton, I would have taken my mom to her favorite restaurant, The Golden Arches.  (a/k/a McDonald’s)

If she keeps eating hamburgers and french fries she’s going to get stuck between the arch!  Nevertheless, Mom is actually 87 years old, so she’s entitled to do whatever the hell she wants to do!

As some of you know, I recently received word that our blog is now in the top 10% of all new blogs for 2012!  According to the folks who keep track of such matters, our blog is now in 43 different countries (not counting Arkansas) and we have approximately 3,700 followers!  Wow, what can I say except Thank You!  None of these accomplishments would have been possible without your loyal support and continued interest.  (I intend to take each and every one of you to Hollywood with me!)

In closing, I would like to run something by you…… another one of my deep thoughts…..    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests???   Don’t groin, I mean groan, just think about it.  Send your replies (with some money) to P.O. Box 1600, Washington, D.C.  (They need the loot more than I do!)

Have a wonderful and safe week…..  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

February 24, 2013

THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!

NO, I AM NOT REFERRING TO THE LOOMING SEQUESTRATION!  (Or as we Texans call it, “Loom and Gloom.”)  Rather, I refer to that incredible show of planetary instability, a/k/a the Russian Comet!  (Well, maybe I got the ethnic thing wrong, but it was “Russian” toward Earth!)  At the risk of sounding like Chicken Little, who we all know was a “dumb cluck,” I must admit that the meteor shower was quite spectacular.

Did you know that it streaked across China and killed two rice farmers named Wong?  Of course, “two Wongs don’t make a ‘rite,” as they say at NASA.  Furthermore, there was carnage in Siberia.  In fact, three plump vodka drinkers (Siberian Huskies) were also killed.

When the news of a meteor shower reached Texas A & M University, the entire football team ran onto to the field with soap and towels!  The Aggie science department quickly announced that although the comet was white, there was also a black version in the solar system.  (I believe it’s called “Alex Haley’s Comet.)  How exciting!

AND NOW FOR SOME LOCAL NEWS…..     I am delighted to report that my dear friend Sharon Francia (a loyal blog follower) recently returned from Las Vegas, where she is rumored to have wed an ELVIS IMPERSONATOR!  The wedding, and subsequent morning divorce, took place at the Flamingo Hotel & Casino.  Apparently, Ms. Francia was inspired by some reading material in her possession.  (An autographed copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT.)  In any case, we all wish her well, regardless of whether or not she comes up with the bail bond.

I spent a lovely morning with Miss Melinda (Perez) last week.  If you ever need a great massage, this is the lady to call.  While I was there, she told me that I had the body of a much younger man.  (Who is Governor Christie?)  By the way, if you ever need any rehab work, you should try “rolfing,” and I would suggest that you contact Will Ravenel at Castle Hill Fitness.  (Will is known as “The Miracle Worker” here in Austin.)

Finally, for those that have inquired, I successfully rebuffed an attempt by the Chinese Military to hack into my ELVIS PRESLEY BLOG SITE!  Oh, those commie bastards tried their best, but truth, justice, and the American way prevailed!  Beware of this dastardly scheme!  Be vigilant!  You might receive an email from an inscrutable “Medical Researcher” from Rice University!  They might ask if you have any spare change, or a spare rib.  Do not be fooled!  He is just trying to “Shanghai” your funds!

Well, if there are no more questions, I will sign off.  However…  I leave you with a final point to ponder… If Jimmy cracks corn and on one cares, why is there a song about him??   Hmmm…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

February 17, 2013

OUR SHIP FINALLY CAME IN!

WELL, NOT OUR SHIP, THE GRAND PRINCESS, BUT THE…..  CARNIVAL TRIUMPH, which is still illmobile.  (Actually, it’s “In Mobile.”)  Mobile, Alabama, that is.  I feel sorry for those passengers.  At first they had a sinking feeling, and then they had a stinking feeling.  Fortunately, nobody was seriously injured.  (Not counting wounded pride.)  As many of you know, we were down in Cozumel, Mexico, anchored along side of the Triumph.  (Happily, we were NOT down wind.)  Being a writer (of sorts) I quickly wrote a screenplay about the incident, but now I need a title.  (This is where you guys come in.)  Kindly review the below titles and let me know which one you prefer:

A.  “Shitty Shitty Bang Bang.”

B.  “Sh_t   Floats.”

C.  “Ship of Stools.”     (My apologies to Katherine Anne Porter.)

By the way, did you folks know that Katherine Anne Porter was a native Texan?  Yep, she was born in Indian Creek, Texas.  (Spent many years in Kyle, Texas!)  Now here’s the interesting part…..  Did you know that she married a man named….. Pressley??   (As the distinguished author of THE PRESLEY PLOT I make it my business to know this meaningless stuff!)  Ms. Porter married a dude named Eugene Pressley in 1930.  (No connection to our beloved rock ‘n’ roll singer.)  Her first (and only) novel was “Ship of Fools,” which was published in 1962.  The book helped her win the Pulitzer Prize, but to be perfectly honest, it’s not half as good as THE PRESLEY PLOT or MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.   (Still, it’s ironic that a “Porter” would write about ships, eh?)

AND NOW FOR SOME INTERESTING (NON-LITERARY) NEWS……….    I went to a surprise party yesterday.  (Frankly, I’m always surprised when I’m invited to a party.)  Judge Susan Marquess celebrated her 39th birthday in grand style, complete with homemade margaritas, delicious Mexican food, cold beer, homemade margaritas, birthday cake, and homemade margaritas.  From what I remember, I had a great time, and so did everyone else.  The party was hosted by Her Honor’s wonderful children…..  Kellie, Aimee, Ryan, Greg, and Tyler.  After dinner, we all participated in the first annual South Austin Punchbowl Poker Tournament.

INCREDIBLY……  despite the presence of The Cobra (Me) and the Legal Eagle (Susan) the tournament was won by a relatively new player….. a young man with a very bright future in the murky world of high-stakes poker….. Mr. Jackson “The Whip” Whitaker.   The nom de guerre came about for two reasons.  Mr. Jackson severely “beat us,” and the lad is “smart as a whip.”  Thank God he’s not old enough to go into a casino!

Congratulations to the lovely and talented Mr. and Mrs. Lee Bomblatus (of Round Rock, Texas) who recently discovered that their wonderful daughter, Rita Hennecke-York, is pregnant with a….. baby girl!  (I humbly suggest the name of “Stephanie.”)  Rita and Michael are on “Cloud Nine,” and we all wish them the very best.  They will make wonderful parents!

Dr. Laura Talbott is in town this weekend!  As many of you know, the beautiful and extremely talented violinist is a professor of music at Oklahoma State University in Stillwater.  When she comes to visit, there are “no strings attached,” and she always hits the “right notes.”  Dr. Talbott will be “fiddling” around with her family today, and we wish her a safe and pleasant visit.

SINCE A FEW OF YOU HAVE ASKED…..   THE PRESLEY PLOT continues to inch toward the best-seller list, and believe it or not, I now have 12 blog followers in Afghanistan!  (Including a brilliant new friend, Steven W. Barnes, who I met during our last cruise.)  Be safe, Steven, and send back some of my money!  (The guy is a dang good poker player!)   MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE (Book Two) is at the publisher and should be available sometime in March.  DEVIL’S COVE, Book Three, has just finished the editing process and should be ready for submission by the end of the month.  I will send a post when the books are ready to be ordered.

As I type this blog post, I keep wondering if illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup.  (Is that odd?)  Finally, since we have mentioned babies today, I would like to leave you with a rhetorical question to ponder…..  If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Just asking.

Have a wonderful week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

February 13, 2013

YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE HEART!

ALL YOU REALLY NEED IS HEART!  WHEN THE ODDS ARE SAYIN’ YOU’LL NEVER WIN, THAT’S WHEN THE GRIN SHOULD START!  (YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE HEART!)

As most of you know, these are the lyrics to “You gotta have Heart,” a wonderful tune from the Broadway show, DAMN YANKEES.  (I myself have often been called this name!)  Nonetheless, the song was written by Richard Adler, who I had the pleasure of meeting when I was a fledging playwright in New York City.  (After a few tough years, I became a “fleeting” playwright!)  The great Mr. Adler (who passed away in 2012) also composed tunes for The Pajama Game.  So…. I think the above melody is rather appropriate for tomorrow’s holiday, and on “that note” I shall now wish all of my blog followers an early (but sincere) HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

I know I’m a little quick on the draw (so was Rembrandt) but I will be VERY busy tomorrow and probably too exhausted to write a clever blog.  As you can imagine, a man in my position (usually horizontal) receives thousands of cards and letters from female women of the opposite sex on Valentine’s Day.  (All right, maybe not thousands.)  However, due to my undeniable charm and modesty, the ladies are quite fond of me and insist on sending me chocolates and flowers.  (Occasionally, chocolate flowers, too.)  No doubt I will be on the phone (speaking to old flames) most of the day, so I will take this opportunity to share some thoughts with thee……

Did you know that more than 1 billion Valentine’s Day greeting cards are sent out each year?  (Most are sent to some mystery writer in Austin.)  Hey, I’m a real card.

Women purchase 85 percent of all Valentine’s Day cards.  (Oddly enough, 85% of the ones I receive are also from women.)   Don’t ask about the others.  None of your business.

Valentine’s Day is named in honor of St. Valentine, a Roman martyr.  (Anyone who dates a lot is definitely a martyr in my book!)  The old boy died in prison, but before he left earth, he left the jailer’s daughter a sweet note….. which he signed, “From Your Valentine.”  (True story)   Thus began a wonderful tradition, and a way for the Hallmark Card Company to make a very tidy profit.  Had St. Valentine been Jewish (well, it’s possible) there would be no holiday.  Jewish people cannot be kept in jail.  (They eat “locks!”)  Oy vay, what an old joke!

Finally, just in case you ever get on the show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”……….  here is some final worthless trivia………. Cupid (the dude with the bow and arrow) is often associated with Valentine’s Day because he was the son of Venus.  (The Roman goddess of love and beauty.)  Hence, the modern expression that “men are from Mars, women are from Venus.”    I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I do not like the fact that we are named after a candy bar.  (Ever if we are sweet and gooey from time to time!)

Actually, there was another “Mars.”  (The Roman god of war.)  His festival was held in March, which as you can see, was sort of named after him.  Since Valentine’s Day is celebrated in February (except in Arkansas, which only recognizes ten of the months) we see that once again, women have dominated the calendar and always come first.  Ah well, such is life.  (Just for the record, but do NOT share this with any chick, January in named after Janus (a guy god) in Roman mythology.  So we are numero uno again!

I just realized that we are discussing “misters” and “myths.”    (How funny.)

Well, students, that’s about enough of this stuff for one day.  I do hope that each and every one of you finds love tomorrow.  (or the day after.)  I would advise all of my faithful blog followers to remember the lyrics of another great song……….   “If you can’t be with the one you love, and there are no witnesses or security cameras, love the one you’re with.”  ***

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!     Love to all,  Doc Yanoff

 

*** “Love The One You’re With”    (Music by Stephen Stills.  Lyrics by Bill Clinton.)

January 9, 2013

*** NEWS ALERT *** YANOFF WEIGHS RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016! *** NEWS ALERT ***

HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE TO WEIGH TO BE PRESIDENT?   Never mind, if I run, I’ll lose weight.  Since I’m fed up with both political parties, I have decided to accept the nomination of my new political group, The Texas Iced Tea Party.  (Our motto:  WE ARE “COOLER” THAN THOSE OTHER GUYS! )    In honor of ELVIS PRESLEY’S BIRTHDAY  (which was actually yesterday, but what difference does a day make?)  I would like to share my very first (self-written) political speech with all of my blog followers.  Please take a moment to read and digest (or throw up) my thoughts……  I think you will see that I am cut from a different cloth.  You are, of course, welcome to send in your comments and suggestions (which I will ignore) or if you insist, you may make a large contribution to my campaign.  (which I will spend on tequila.)    So, without further comment, I give you a sample of my political brilliance……….

“ANYTHING WORTH WINNING IS WORTH CHEATING FOR”

(A Political Speech)

Good morning, my fellow Americans.  In the words of another great political leader, I have come to bury my opponent, not to praise him!  As you know,

I am running against a person of INFINITE worth, but I have vowed to conduct myself with the utmost DUPLICITY, even if my opponent continues to

act in a SCRUPULOUS manner.  Yes, my friends, I intend to rise above petty, PARTISAN politics, and seize the high ground ….. where I can openly

DISPARAGE my INCONSEQUENTIAL rival.  Fellow citizens, these are the times that try men’s souls!  And speaking of trials, I’d like to mention that

I’ve been ACQUITTED of all those CREDIBLE charges that were leveled against me.  While I don’t hold a grudge, I’d like to shed some light on my

opponent’s SALUBRIOUS background.  In response to an IMPRUDENT  question, he recently acknowledged that he was, in fact, a HOMO SAPIEN.

Furthermore, he confessed to engaging in HETEROSEXUAL activities since puberty!  I shall not pass judgement on this NATURALISTIC behavior.

However, I think it’s important to remind you that my opponent has frequently engaged in social INTERCOURSE….. often at dinner parties, surrounded

by aides!

Recently, he was seen MASTICATING at a crowded restaurant in San Francisco!  Later that evening, while EXPOUNDING on one of his pet projects, he

began to GESTICULATE before a group of Girl Scouts!  Revealing his true nature, he offered to have a PLATONIC relationship with one of the scouts.

I hate  to point out the obvious, but my opponent has become a PROPREIETOR!

Now friends, I’ve always been known as a DISINGENUOUS man, but I can only be pushed so far.  Did you know that my opponent’s wife once held a missionary

position?  Did you know that she was arrested for being a PROSELYTE?   My God, the woman has actually written a pamphlet about religious SECTS!

As you might expect, her PIETY has led to a MONOGAMOUS  relationship with her spouse.  In my humble opinion this is nothing short of marital FIDELITY,

and can only lead to NUPTIAL bliss.  My, how their poor children have FLOURISHED from this union.  The daughter has recently become a THESPIAN, and

according to published reports, she is performing her little act in front of paying customers!  Last summer, she traveled to Holland….. a country filled with dikes.

I’m told that while she was still abroad she became involved with a MENAGERIE, and would RUMINATE in front of caged PRIMATES!

Apparently, the son is cut from the same PEERLESS cloth, for he too has decided to ESCHEW promiscuity and remain in the company of CHASTE individuals.

Furthermore, he has enrolled in college and MATRICULATES on a daily basis, often surrounded by young coeds!  I’m no saint, but if he EMULATES one of those

young ladies, he should be CASTIGATED!

Ladies and gentlemen, I know you must be shocked by these BANAL and MUNDANE activities, but I can assure you that all of my statements have been completely

FABRICATED and are thoroughly FATUOUS.  I implore you to turn away from my opponent’s CANDOR and VERACITY, and cast you vote for me, a MISCREANT

who is undeniably VAPID.  I thank you for your APATHY and indifference, and remind you to vote early and vote often!

GOD BLESSS AMERICA IF I’M ELECTED!

THE (SEMI) HONORABLE, STEPHEN G. YANOFF   (I)

 

 

December 23, 2012

HAPPY, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

WELL, CHRISTMAS IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!  (OR SHOULD I SAY “CHIMNEY?”) ……..

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Hold on a minute….. it was late, so why would a mouse be up?  And what was the little guy stirring up?  (Besides trouble!)  Was our rodent friend making hot chocolate?  (Or maybe “Choclate Mouse?”)  Hmmm.  Very suspicious.  I could understand if a cat was up late.  Cats love Christmas.  (Think Santa “Claws.”)  Never mind, “scratch” that joke.  I thought I “nailed” my opening, but somethings amiss.  (or a mister)   I can’t put my “finger” on it, but I think I’m making too many puns.  (But you have to admit, I’m so “cuticle!”)

Did you know that this wonderful poem was written by Clement Clarke Moore?  (Of the law firm Moore & Moore)  Mr. Moore came from a very prominent family.  (His father was Benjamin Moore, the Bishop of New York who was famous for swearing at, I mean, swearing in George Washington at his first inauguration.)  Just an interesting little piece of holiday trivia.

I’ve had a fun filled week.  I placed 4th in the huge “Third Base Poker Extravaganza” held last Monday.  (No, I didn’t cheat again.)  On Thursday, I went to the movies and saw the new film called “LINCOLN.”   I was a little disappointed, because I thought it was going to be about Nebraska.  (Who would make a movie about Nebraska?)  Anyway, it was about the bearded President who served in the White House during the War of Northern Aggression.  (As my sweet Granny used to say!)  As we all know, the Civil War began with the Dred Scott Decision.  (Scott was a runaway slave who was filled with Dred about returning to the plantation.)  So…. fast forward to 1863, and Mr. Lincoln issues the “Emaciation Proclamation,” which freed all of the very thin slaves.  (A “weighty” decision, I might add!)  The film was vaguely interesting.  Did you know that Abe Lincoln was our first Jewish president?  (No kidding, I heard that he was shot in the temple!)  Ah, the mystery of history!

Anyway, I love Christmas, even though it was somewhat traumatic for me as a child.  (I was so ugly that my parents hung me up and kissed the mistletoe!)  One night, I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus.  (Of course, now that I think about it, it might have been that Lincoln guy!)  I do remember a beard.  Speaking of James Beard, did you know that the most popular Christmas dinner is turkey?  Second is baked ham.  We had both in my family, but the Yanoffs were famous for being, I mean, serving fruit cakes.  (Who thought of putting candy rocks in a cake?)  This holiday season will be a gourmet delight for me….  Last night, the gracious and lovely Jaime Rubenstein (and her skinny husband, Gary) hosted a wonderful Chanukah party at their beautiful new home in Lakeway.  Great fun, great food, great company!    We also had a “white elephant” gift exchange, which was rather humorous.   (Some crazy lady brought a hand made basket woven from old straw remnants!)

Speaking of crazy ladies…..   (OR SHALL I SAY, LADIES THAT I AM CRAZY ABOUT!)  …… Mrs. Barbara Talbott will be hosting her annual Christmas Eve Food, Bourbon, and Poker Winter Solstice & Pre-Cruise Festival on Monday evening, and I can’t wait!  Last year we had food fit for a king.  Actually, she brought in Burger King, but it was very tasty.  (I got a large order of fries!)  This year she will be conjuring up (is that the right word?) a special treat…..  Flash Fried Fruit Cake Fritters.  (Yummy)

On a serious note, Barbara’s husband, Max, lost his Dad recently.  I have posted a link on a previous post, so if you want to learn what a real American hero is all about, check it out.  (I posted part of the obituary)  If you missed it, Mr. James Talbot, 88, passed away on 12/12/12!   A special date for a very special man.  Mr. Talbott served with incredible distinction during World War II (with his twin brother!) and was awarded (from the U.S. Army) not only THE BRONZE STAR but also the COMBAT INFANTRY BADGE and several other awards.  As they say, they just don’t make men like him anymore.  Thanks for keeping us free!

FOR MY ELVIS FANS……   Please note that on this day, in 1954, young Elvis was stopped for speeding in Shreveport, Louisiana.  (Who would want to speed through lovely Shreveport?)   The big guy was driving home for Christmas, and he only had a few bucks in his pocket.  That was the problem.  The officer wanted to know why Elvis was walking round with deer in his pockets.  Hey, do you think they were reindeer?  Anyway, Elvis got off with a warning and made it home in time to buy his Mama and Daddy a nice gift.  I think he bought them Rhode Island.  Other than that, nothing much happened on this date.  By the way, I think the parents went back to the mall and returned Rhode Island.  (Wrong size.  Too small.)

Well, my dear family, friends, and fans, it is time to consume my pre-Christmas breakfast buffet.  That being the case, I shall wish each and every one of you a joyous holiday and a very Merry Christmas!  In the words of Tiny Tim (The one from Charles Dickens) “Hey, can I borrow a couple of pounds?  I’m a little short.”     One last question….  if Tiny Tim had a cold, do you think we would “Cratchit?”

“God bless us, every one!”    (The REAL quote!)

Doc Yanoff

December 9, 2012

MARKETING 101 (HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE)

WHAT IS GREEN AND SINGS?   GIVE UP? …..  ELVIS PARSLEY!   (Hey, I could have gone with “Frank Snot-tra!)   Well, in any case, this was my opening joke at the Austin Senior Center last week.  Would you believe that a 90-year-0d woman told me it was lame!  (She was a little lame, herself)  As some of you know, I occasionally volunteer at the center.  I am a C.T.C.  (Certified Trip Chaperon)  We bring 30 seniors on a field trip and then (ideally) return the same 30 seniors to the center.  Every so often someone wanders away and then we have an awkward situation.  (I personally just pick up a hitchhiker or two and then drop them off at the center.)  They only count heads.  (Sometimes tails.)  Anyway, I love speaking to seniors.  They are always the best audience and the most interesting folks.  Some of the octogenarians are poor poker players, but it’s nice knowing that they only have to wait one month to get reimbursed for their losses.  What a great country we live in!

I would like to extend a hardy “buenos dias” to Helena Mont’ Alverne de Sequeira and Countess Connie, the two lovely ladies that have promoted THE PRESLEY PLOT in Portugal!  These two women are Lesbonians.  (From Lisbon?)  They are both members of the “Awesome Azores Elvis Fan Club,” one of the largest fan clubs in that part of the world!  Welcome to America, ladies!  I look forward to dining with you during the upcoming week.  (No sardines, though!)

Last Thursday I had the honor and pleasure of speaking before the River Place Book Club here in Austin, Texas.  My goodness, what a fun event that was!  The speaking engagement and book signing was hosted by the lovely and talented Mrs. Claudia Tobias.  Mrs. “T” has a beautiful home overlooking one of our magnificent canyons, and this being the holiday season, the entire house was decorated with Christmas ornaments.  The place looked great!  So cheerful and warm.  I held court (after one very strong Mimosa) for two hours, and during that time, the ladies of the group asked some truly insightful and intelligent questions.  (No, they did not ask for my PIN numbers!)  These ladies were highly educated and very well read, and I absolutely loved the questions they asked.  In all honesty, this was one of my most enjoyable outings.  Sooooo……  I would like to say thanks again to my good friend Claudia, and I would also like to say “howdy” to all of the wonderful women that were present…..  Pat, Suzanne, Lois, Sharon, Pam, Betty, Kay, Sylvia, Betsey, and Donna D.

AND NOW FOR YOU ELVIS FANS……  Did you know that on or near this date in 1972, Elvis Presley went shopping (Not at Barton Creek Mall) and spent more money than my own wife does on one of her mad dash outings?  True enough, folks.  The King spent $10,000 for 5 jumpsuits, 5 silk shirts, and repairs to 8 other jumpsuits.  That, my friends, is a lot of money to spend on jumpsuits and silk, considering that Elvis never went sky-diving.  He did “jump” to conclusions now and then.  He also had several “leaps of faith.”  And yes, he “fell” for many women.  God, when will these puns ever end??   Well, shoot (chute?) I should stop while I’m ahead.

Several of my blog followers have asked when MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE will be available.  (The second “Adam Gold Mystery.”)   God willing, I should hear something this coming week, and as soon as I do, I will pass the news along.  My publicist will be doing some holiday advertising in our local newspapers, so if you live in Texas, you might just see my face or image in your newspaper.  If you can’t wait, just head on down to the post office.  They have a very flattering mug shot, I mean, head shot, of me on display.  (I don’t care for those profile photos.)

Finally, since this is the first day of Hanukkah, I would like to wish all of my Jewish friends a joyous week.  I don’t think any other Jewish holiday can “hold a candle” to Hanukkah.

Come on, now, that was funny!     L’chaim!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

December 2, 2012

THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT!

WHEN I SAY “ENGAGEMENT” I AM REFERRING TO….. Speaking engagements!  I have two interesting events scheduled for this coming week.  First, I will be regaling an audience of “seasoned citizens” at the Austin Senior Center, which is always fun.  Wisdom comes with age.  (So do Social Security checks.)   On Thursday, I shall be having a delightful brunch with the charming ladies of the River Place Book Club.  These wonderful women have invited me to a gourmet feast, followed by a fascinating lecture centered around THE PRESLEY PLOT and my recent  foray into the cut-throat world of publishing!  The event is being hosted by Claudia Tobias, a truly remarkable woman who donates many long hours to various charitable groups in our community.  I think this will be great fun and I am looking forward to a lively discussion.  (I know some of these ladies from the River Place Garden Club and they are a smart and worldly group.)

And speaking of smart and lively women….. Leigh Ann Woodward, one of the sweetest and most talented poker players in Texas, recently hosted the 8th Annual Kings & Queens Poker Event at her lovely country estate in Lago Vista last night.  I have played in this tournament several times (and done remarkably well, I might add) so I know how much fun it is, and I also know that it attracts some very good poker players.  The evening is filled with great drinks, great food, and great company!  Unfortunately, I could not play this year, but I am anxious to hear who won.  In any case, Leigh Ann should be congratulated for throwing one of the best Christmas-time events of the season!

Since I have been writing about South Africa recently, I think I should mention that we now have 12 new blog followers in that fascinating country!  G’day mates!  (Australian is as close as I can come!)  Rachel (my daughter) and Adam (the son-in-law) recently returned from your beautiful country and they loved it!  Of course, being related to me, you might expect one or two (how shall I put this?) “Mishaps.”     For instance, when they went to Robben Island to view Nelson Mandela’s jail cell, the guard told them that “Nelson spent 18 years on this island.”  Rachel, being a chip off the old block, asked, “Which one, Ricky or David?”    Adam wasn’t much better.  He told the guard that if Mandela had been Jewish they wouldn’t have kept him in a jail cell.  (Jewish people eat “locks.”)  And so it went……   Surprisingly, we still have diplomatic relations with South Africa.

AND NOW FOR SOME ELVIS PRESLEY NEWS…..     I have some very exciting news for all of my fans and blog followers….. THE PRESLEY PLOT has been chosen to receive a “full book review,” by the international website called AMAZON BOOK CLUBS!  This is really great news for me, and once the review is posted, it should attract world-wide attention.  The Amazon Book Club selections are seen by millions of readers throughout the world and they are also posted on just about every social website known to man.  (or woman)  I am very excited about this development and I will keep you posted of my progress.  I should get a “first draft” sometime within the next two weeks.  Just between you and me, this sort of makes up for losing the Nobel Prize for Literature to that Ecuadorian Llama rancher.  (I’d like to “pull the wool” over that guy sometime!)  All right, I have to stop being bitter.  Just let it go.  Keep moving forward.  (But come on, a book about Montezuma’s revenge?  Really?)

Incidentally, just to keep you in the loop, I will (unless there is breaking news) be posting one blog per week from now on.  (No cheering, please.)  My writing commitments (the ones I get paid for!) have recently grown experimentally, I mean, exponentially.  In short, there are not enough hours in the day!  (I think we’re stuck at 24)  I for one would vote for a longer day and a shorter night, but that’s just me.  In any case, I just don’t have enough time to produce such mind-boggling brilliance twice a week and still play poker.  I hope I have not disappointed anyone.  You must go on with your lives.  Forget about me.  (Not entirely, though)  We shall still meet each and every Sunday!  (One more thing to pray for!)

So….. until next Sunday….. I wish you joy and happiness.  (Aren’t those the same things?)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

November 28, 2012

MAKING HISTORY, PART II

IN MY HUMBLE VIEW….. Making history is almost as much fun as making whoopee.  (I said almost.)  I am referring, of course, to the re-publishing of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  I am very happy to report that Aberdeen Bay Press has sent me the official notification and that the newly revised version will be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, and other sites in about  two or three weeks.  As I believe I previously mentioned, they already have a standing (or sitting) order for 225 copies, so if you need some books for the holidays, do not delay ordering.  After they’re gone you will have to wait… I have a little gout, I mean, clout, but even I have to wait in line.  (Oh, the injustice of it all!)

Several of my loyal devotees have asked about the American Queen riverboat cruise.  (The Elvis-themed excursion leaving from New Orleans.)  Well….. here I was, preparing my brilliant lecture on Tupelo, when lo and behold we hit a snag.  (Not the boat, me)  The snag was the river itself!  Have you read about our drought in this part of the country?  Lake Austin (here in lovely Austin, Texas) is only 40% full!   If my math is correct, that means its almost 60% empty!  Yikes!  What the hell did Al Gore do?

Anyway, no water means no riverboating, no riverfloating, and no rivergloating.  What can I say?  For the first time in American history, the Mighty Mississippi is suffering from low water levels, and it is severely affecting all of the river traffic, both private and commercial vessels!  Due to this lack of H2o, I thought it best to reschedule my voyage.  I will keep my fellow travelers informed of my whereabouts!  (Easy to do with this darn electric ankle bracelet!)

Now for some Elvis news…..  Did you know that on this very day, in 1954, Elvis Presley did something very rare?  (No, he didn’t go on a diet.)  But he did miss two previously scheduled shows that were sold out in Memphis, Tennessee.  (Which, I might add, is where Graceland happens to be.)  So what happened, you ask?  Well, he actually missed his airline connection in Houston!  If you have ever flown through Houston, you know how easy this can be.  So it seems that we are in good company.  I do not know if the airline offered The King any travel compensation, but I’m sure he got several bags of free peanuts.  (Maybe even one of his favorite peanut butter snacks!)

Incidentally, a number of my more curious blog followers have asked about Rachel and Adam (my daughter and new son-in-law) and they wanted to know what those two crazy kids thought of Cape Town, South Africa.  Well, they loved the place.  I have seen some of the photographs, and they are truly amazing.  Mountains on one side, the ocean on the other, and the most magnificent flora and fauna you can imagine.  (Flora was particularly attractive!)  The only “tricky” part of the trip was the safari.  On day one they were detained by a horde of pygmies!  (But just for a “short” time.)  Then they were stopped by headhunters!  (But neither needed a job.)  Finally, on day three, they were asked to play the drums for a tribe of Ubangi warriors!  (The tribesmen kept shouting, “You bangee!”  “You bangee!”)  Adam finally gave in and banged the damn drum, but as they found out, he marches to the beat of a different drum.  In any case, Rachel explained the “big bang theory” to the tribal chieftain and all was well.  You can’t “beat” a vacation like that!

Finally, I would like to give a big shout out to Max and Barbara, the President and Vice-President of my Indiana Fan Club For Elvis Authors!  They are taking care of some personal business this week, and we wish them well!  Also, thanks to Judge Susan for her recent legal work on behalf of my growing literary estate!  Another job well done.  If you are in or around Salado, Texas next week, look for my mug on a poster.  (No, not at the Post Office)  I am tentatively engaged to speak at a  book club in that charming town.  I will send the details later.

Have a wonderful day and please drive carefully.  (I keep hearing about a fiscal cliff in front of us.)  I will write again soon…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

 

November 25, 2012

THE PRESLEY PLOT MAKES HISTORY!!

THIS BETTER BE GOOD SINCE I USED TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS!!   Well, actually, it is very, very good.  For the first time since the Bronze Age (or maybe it was the Iron Age) Aberdeen Bay Press, the world’s foremost publisher of brilliant mystery novels, has decided to publish a SECOND EDITION of a book within a six month period!!  (There are those two exclamation points again.)  Would you like to guess the name of this best-selling book?  That’s right…..  THE PRESLEY PLOT!

Due to popular demand (and the fact that Amazon.com only has 3 copies left!) the publisher is re-issuing my book.   And here’s the best part….  they have gone through the book with a fine tooth comb and corrected every spelling and typographical error that was in the first edition!  Soooooo…..  if you need a wonderful, enchanting, entertaining novel for the holiday gift giving season (and you can’t find FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY) zip on over to Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com and order you brand new, fully revised copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  (Your brain will thank you!)  Incidentally…..   the new edition already has a pre-order of over 200 books!!  So remember, he who hesitates, is lost!

If you are one of the lovely young ladies who is awaiting a book (Ms. Baum and Mrs. Isler) be patient!  I will send one along as soon as they become available!

NOW FOR SOME OTHER ELVIS NEWS…….

Did you know that there is a “Little Graceland” in Texas?  True enough.  In the Rio Grande Valley town of Los Fresnos, Simon Vega curates a treasure trove of Elvis memorabilia at his LITTLE GRACELAND MUSEUM.  (Mr. Vega actually served in the Army with Elvis!)  The museum has pictures of Elvis, Elvis albums, Elvis 45’s (not the pistols) Elvis statues, Elvis mugs, and Elvis enchiladas.  (Just joshing about the food.)   In any case, the museum is open Thursday thru Sunday.  10 a.m. to 5 p.m. by appointment.  The next “Elvis Festivale” is set for January, 12, 2013, so if you’re in the area, swing by and join the fun.  I have spent some time down in the Valley and can honestly say that it is a warm and charming location…. and the residents are simply wonderful.

NOW FOR SOME FINAL, EXCITING NEWS…….

Keep your eyes and ears focused on The New York Times, Fox News, Variety, and Popular Mechanics, for some very exciting news concerning the SECOND ADAM GOLD MYSTERY NOVEL!   That’s right, my friends, book number two will be available in the not-too-distant future!  The book is titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  This time around, Adam Gold will become entangled in a hunt for Captain Kidd’s treasure!  The book has already received some glowing reviews, and if you believe the literary pundits, it is destined to become another best selling mystery novel.  I shall, as they say, keep you apprised of the situation!

Until then, I remain, your humble correspondent.  (Which is better than being a bumbling despondent.)   Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff