murder mysteries

January 19, 2014

WHY DID JULIUS SEIZE-HER?

I’M NOT SURE….. Maybe it’s because the Emperor had “Roman hands?”  (I knew a guy that had “Russian fingers.”)  In any case, “Julius Caesar” is one of my favorite plays by Bill Shakespeare, so to paraphrase…..  ‘LEND ME YOUR EARS!’  Wait a minute.  How can you ‘lend’ someone your ears?  That would be awfully messy and hurt like hell.  (Rather, dare I say, ‘ear-ritating?’)

Where was I?  Oh yes, I have some good news to share.  My marketing contract with BookPeople has been finalized.  Starting tomorrow, you can find all 3 of my mystery novels on their shelves, and also in their domestic and international book catalogues.  Furthermore, I shall be featured at two (2) speaking engagements in their Austin store sometime during the spring!  I might have mentioned this last Sunday, but it bears repeating.  (I once saw a bear repeating in Yellowstone Park.  Too many blackberries!)

Speaking of parks… I have volunteered to address a group of Boy Scouts next week.  We will be at Bastrop State Park, on Wednesday or Thursday, so if you’re in the vicinity, come on by and help us plant some trees!  (Bastrop was the site of the horrendous forest fire back in 2011.)  I might be bringing Baker, my grand-dog, with me.  The little pooch loves trees.  (He has some bark, too!)

Did you guys watch Downton Abbey last week?  The main characters are getting a little grouchy and short-tempered this season.  They may have to re-name the show “Downton Crabby.”   Since we’re on the subject of royalty, I would like to send my best to Judge Susan (the queen of our hearts!) and wish her a speedy recovery.  She had a torn mucus.  (Probably from blowing her nose too hard.)  Hang in there, your Honor!  This will soon blow over.  (Oops, I shouldn’t have used that word!)

Finally, in closing, I would like to remind all of you pet lovers (and who doesn’t love petting?) that almost 65% of American households own a pet, and that 44% of dogs sleep in bed with their owners.  (I was going to insert a joke about my wife, but then I remembered that she belongs to the NRA)  Honey, put the bullets away!  (The caliber of these jokes has got to improve!)

Well, my dear friends, have a safe and wonderful week.  Next Sunday, God willing, I will have a VERY special announcement that has absolutely nothing to do with my tax evasion case.  Until then, love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

April 28, 2013

LIFE IS STRANGER THAN FICTION!

STRANGER THAN NONFICTION, TOO!  Have you folks been following “the Presley plot?”  No, not my brilliant, best-selling novel, but the Ricin-laced letters that have been sent to President Obama and Senator Roger Wicker of Mississippi?  Whoa, talk about art imitating life!  The true (and thoroughly bizarre tale) took place in…..  Tupelo, Mississippi.  (The first major stop on my upcoming book tour!)  Get this….. one of the participants is an Elvis impersonator and the other worked in an insurance office!  (Do you think my book, THE PRESLEY PLOT, had a big influence on these clowns?)

The fellow that was first arrested (Paul Kevin Curtis) was apparently framed by a fellow impersonator (James Everett Dutschke) and was totally surprised when the F.B.I. showed up.  He thought he was being accused of sending “rice” in the mail!  (No joking.)  The poor guy had never heard of Ricin.  The feds arrested Curtis on some flimsy intelligence… First, he had an Uncle Ben.  Second, his girlfriend was pregnant when he married her, so the crowd threw “puffed rice” when they came out of the church.  Third, Curtis was a “kernel” in the Mississippi National Guard!  (My wife, Patty, wrote these last 3 jokes.  She knows a lot about rice.  You might say she’s a “rice Patty.”)

I will be in Tupelo for a book signing/speaking engagement on May 12th and 13th, so I will keep you informed of the case.   From there we head to Birmingham, Atlanta, Charleston, and then down to Boca Raton.  My wife’s cousin, the S.W.A.T. team guy, will be “house-sitting” while we’re gone.  I really like the guy, but he asked me if he could bring his “bitch.”  (His word, not mine.)  He travels with a Belgian Malinois, but I’m told he keeps her on a “tight leash” and that her bark is worse than her bite.  I’ve never met her, but I hear she’s a real dog.  Oh well, to each their own.

Hey, can somebody explain something to me?  Why do we bother to wash bath towels?  Aren’t we clean when we use them?  Just saying.

I have had a VERY busy week promoting my new book, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  On Tuesday, I spoke in Giddings, Texas, a charming little town southeast of Austin.  My hosts were very nice, and they seemed to be impressed that I knew something about the history of their town.  (Which was built on part of the land granted to Stephen F. Austin in 1821 for a colony in Spanish, Texas!)  The population of Giddings is 5,105, but there are 19 churches in town, so as you can see, Lee County might be called “The Holy Land.”

On Thursday I had my very first interview by a New York magazine dedicated to reviewing newly published novels.  I spent a full hour on the telephone, chatting about this and that, and promoting THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  Two months from now, a full-length book review will be available, and when I get it, I will post it on this blog.  The reporter will be reviewing the second book, which he seemed to like on the telephone.

Meanwhile…..  Miss Emily (the world’s best typist) is busy at work, typing my first nonfiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  Marketing will begin sometime in July or August, so keep your fingers crossed for me.  I began my final editing process for the third “Adam Gold Mystery” on Wednesday.  The book is called DEVIL’S COVE, and thanks to my art director, Rachel Zell, we came up with another wonderful book cover.  (Think of a mysterious-looking cove, engulfed in fog!)

Due to popular demand (from the bar staff)  I shall be returning to the poker tables starting today.  I will be playing in this evening’s poker tournament at the Waterloo Ice House, and again on Thursday evening at the “Bi-Monthly Cut-Throat, Don’t Even Try To Bluff Tourney” at Steiner Ranch.  Wish me luck!  (Did you know that poker was invented by sailors from New Orleans, Louisiana, in 1829?  They spread the game via riverboat, and the original version used a 20-card deck.)

I have been accused of not playing with a full deck, but as you know, I am much like the weather in Texas.  (No, not a “blow hard!”)  I refer to the fact that I am immune to criticism!  Hence, I shall now sign off, and prepare for tonight’s inevitable poker victory!  Have a wonderful week…..  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

February 10, 2013

IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!

PLEASE NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS A GREAT DEAL OF EMBELLISHMENT AND EXAGGERATION.  (Both of which fall under the purview of “Literary License.”)

WELL, IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT….. (Make that a hot and sunny day) whence our little ocean-going vessel limped along the Mosquito Coast of Central America, bound for the silver mines (tourist shops) of Cozumel, Mexico.  Our intrepid captain, Lorenzo Ronzoni, (formerly of Costa Cruise Line) gave the order to drop anchor (sadly without checking that we were already tied to the pier) and then we went ashore, searching for the Lost City of Gold!

We arrived in Mexico after our “Bungle in the Jungle,” which saw one of our shipmates attacked and bitten by a hostile simian, not to be confused with an angry Syrian.  The little monkey bit our compadre on the arm, and being a kind and gentle bunch of global-warming, rain-forest saving, nerds, we blew his head off.  (Not our compadre’s head, the monkey’s head!)  Just kidding.  We are American citizens.  We know what to do in these situations.  (We immediately filed a ten million dollar lawsuit!)

After trekking through the jungles of Honduras, we snuck across the border and found ourselves in Belize.  Unfortunately, the authorities also found us.  Who knew you needed a passport to enter a foreign country?  Anyway, we made our way to Belize City, and then realized that we had missed our dive and snorkel boat to the infamous “Blue Hole.”  (Who knew they actually had a schedule?)  I blamed my travel companions, and of course, they blamed me, so we returned to our “mother ship,” and consoled ourselves with a bucket of cold beer and more rum.

At this juncture, I might add that one of my companions was Judge Susan Marquess, of Austin, Texas.  Her honor happens to be celebrating her 39th birthday today, so on behalf of our expeditionary group, I would like to wish her a very happy birthday.  (Thank goodness we had a lawyer and judge in our party.  We were able to post some very reasonable bonds throughout our voyage.)

Some bonds are broken, and so are some bones!  I am happy to report that Barbara Talbott, the reigning poker champion of Honduras, only suffered a broken middle toe during her recent encounter with a Mayan pyramid.  Funny how fast some folks can run when they think they are being chased by a jaguar.  (Or a Mercedes.)  The “Princess of Poker”  (Her Mayan name) will be wearing a customized toe cast for six weeks, but after that, she will only have a slight limp for the rest of her natural life.  (A small price to pay for such a wonderful jungle adventure!)

Incidentally, Dr. Max Talbott has fully recovered from a nasty bout of Somnus Maximus.  (Sleeping Disease.)  Apparently, the dreaded illness was NOT a result of an insect bite…. but the result of a prodigious consumption of Ten Cane Rum.  Whew!  For a while we thought he was a goner.  Now that he has fully recovered (we think) I can tell you that we had already made final plans for the poor lad.  (I contacted the very best taxidermist in Belize.)  The idea was to stuff Max and put him on permanent display at the Blanton Museum in Austin.  (Max loves being around art.)

You might be interested to know, that just like last year, I had an evening visit from one of the local terrorist groups in Mexico.  Once again, I was forced to entertain a small band of masked baditos (or banditti, if you prefer) and as always, I was able to convince the poor outlaws that I had no denero.  (Turns out they wanted  Robert DeNiro, not money.)  They were the first autograph hunter/banditos in the region.  Odd group of outlaws, if you ask me.  (One of them wore glasses and had his/her nose sticking out of the sheet slot which was slit in the sheet sort of south of the smiling section of the silky satin sleeping sack.)  TRY SAYING THAT TEN TIMES IN A ROW!

For those of you who do not like tongue twisters, here are some facts about our recent voyage……   We traveled a total distance of 2,417 miles.  (Mostly upon the water.)  Our average ship speed was 18 knots.  Our average walking speed was .005 miles per hour.  Average nap time…..  64.8 minutes.  Average consumption of alcohol and drugs (Codeine)….. undetermined.

Finally, I would like to thank all of the people who purchased a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT during the past two weeks.  Your generosity has now made the book an INTERNATIONAL BEST SELLER.  I can tell you that I actually saw my book in the ship’s library, and that many folks in Central America are now reading THE PRESLEY PLOT and are anxiously awaiting the release of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  (This includes many of the local citizens of Honduras, Belize, and Mexico, and a large number of jungle guerillas (NOT gorillas!) drug cartel members, federales, I.R.S. fugitives, and deposed dictators.  (One cannot be too choosey about one’s readership.)

It will take a while to get this fantastic voyage out of my system (even with the antibiotics) so I will write again soon, whence I am fully recovered from my bout with pokus defeatus.  (Poker losses.)  Until then, it is wonderful to be home, back in the good old U.S.A.   I missed clean water, indoor toilets, and well-behaved monkeys. (Our elected officials.)  Take care, and they say in down south (far down south)….

Vaya con dios, no horda la Kaopectate!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff    (Senor Jugador Malo)

P.S.  A word to the wise……  NEVER play Texas Hold ‘Em (or MONOPOLY) with the Corpus Christi Crusher.  Yeah, she’s that good!