Mystery Novels

June 2, 2019

PIRATES OF PERCHANCE (Chapter 5) “Go East, Young Man!”

I have no idea why Horace Greeley advised young men to go west, when he knew that Barbados was the easternmost of the Caribbean islands.  Poor guy must have been a tad confused, because Barbados is lovely, and encircled by spectacular sandy beaches.  We dropped anchor in Bridgetown a few months ago, and spent the most of the day at a lovely resort, drinking rum, nibbling on lobster, and swimming in crystal clear water.  If you visit this island, which is often called “Little England,” you will find a lot to do and much to admire.

After four hours of “beach blanket bingo,” we attended two rather unusual functions…..  first, we went to a cricket match, which was somewhat disappointing. There were no crickets, just some ants, and none of them had any matches.  (I understand the fireflies were on strike that day.)  Then, after we watched some guys whacking a ball with a paddle (which reminded me of school) we walked across the street and took a tour of the Mount Gay Rum Factory.  I think we enjoyed the tour (and the free samples of rum) but I don’t remember how long we were there or how we got back to the ship.

If relaxing on a tropical beach and turquoise waters are not your thing, you can rent a vehicle and tour the island, which is also quite enjoyable.  I would recommend a visit to Bathsheba Rock Beach or Harrisons Cave, as both are quite unique and mostly void of tourists.  Of course, there is also some decent shopping, mostly on Broad Street in Bridgetown.  “Bajans,” as islanders are known, are very friendly and will usually offer a sincere welcome.  (Insider Tip:  Don’t forget to purchase some hot sauce, which is truly divine, and is sold in varying degrees of heat.)

On the home front….  My illustrious part-time booking agent, Loyd Smith, has arranged for me to make a special return engagement at the Lakeway Men’s Club.  I will be speaking (about my new mystery novel, CAPONE ISLAND) at the Lakeway Center on July 24th, and we are expecting a standing-room only crowd.  (They have no chairs!)

Last weekend was my (39th) birthday, and my dear family treated me to a gala surprise party…  (I was surprised they invited me!)  What a great evening!  I got to check off one of my “bucket list” items…  an authentic Hawaiian pig roast!  (Complete with ukulele player and a hula dancer!)  The little piggy weighed about 35 pounds and was simply delicious.  (Accompanied by rice, beans, and jalapeño macaroni and cheese casserole!)

My darling wife and daughters did a marvelous job and spared no expense, and the weather was gorgeous, too.  Our memorable evening was enhanced by the presence of my dear brother, Glenn, and his beautiful wife, Grace, who flew in from Florida to attend the gala event.  Our closest friends were also present, and I think I can safely say that we all had a wonderful time.  (I don’t know how Patty and the girls will ever top this night, but I sure hope they try!)  Hopefully, I will be including some photos at the end of this blog post…

On the publishing front, some more good news….  CAPONE ISLAND is selling like hot cakes, and my publisher has informed me that we are on track to set some sort of sales record.  Even if we don’t, I’d like to personally thank each and every one of my faithful fans for continuing to support me.  This writing gig is a lot of fun, and the best part is meeting and getting new readers, and keeping in touch with all of my old friends.  (So keep those cards and letters coming!)

I don’t want to brag, but I hear that my hometown, Valley Stream, might name a street after me.  (How does “Psycho Path” sound?)  All right, not great, but it’s the thought that counts.  To tell you the truth, I have never had a problem with my self-image.  Do you know that I can still fit into some of the clothing that I wore in college?  No kidding.  I found two neckties and a scarf that still fit.

In closing, I would like to leave you with a public health warning!  Are you aware that senior citizens have become the leading carriers of AIDS?  (Hearing Aids, Band Aids, Rol-Aids, Medical Aids, etc.)  Well, now you know, so tread lightly when you’re around old folks.

If you will take a moment and scroll down, you will (hopefully) find some enchanting pictures of my birthday party.  I hope you enjoy them, and please remember that it is NEVER TOO LATE to send someone an expensive birthday present!  God Bless, love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 18, 2018

SEWARD’S FOLLY MAKES ME JOLLY!

For those of you who don’t follow politics, the biggest news out of Washington this week (according to the book editor at the Post) was the selection of the Finalists for the 2017-2018 READER VIEWS BOOK AWARDS.  I am happy to report that my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES, was chosen as a Finalist for “Best U.S. History Book of the Year!”  This is the seventh literary award the book has won, but this stuff never gets old.  I am truly humbled by the honor.

If I win the gold medal, I’m going to ask Stormy Daniels to pin the medal on me.  Why?  Because if she wins a medal, I’ll be able to use a great line:  “Hey, Stormy, what do you want, a medal or a chest to pin it on?”

Speaking of storms, did you notice that Finland was recently chosen as the “Happiest Nation on Earth?”  The article I read stated that the average Finn has sex three times per week.  (I wonder if the older guys have any trouble crossing the “Finish line.”)  Even if those numbers are real, I’m not impressed.  Why?  Because my wife and I have sex almost five times per week.  (Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, …..)

In a related article, some outdoorsman claimed that Moose have sex seven days per week!  When my uncle read the article, he quit the Elks.  (These lame jokes are mainly for my horny blog followers.)

Speaking of sex, (notice a theme?) I recently mentioned that the Austin Police arrested a gang of thieves who stole one hundred cases of Viagra.  If you recall, I described the gang as “hardened criminals.”  Well, I just found out that they were all convicted in  court of law.  Yep, you guessed it, they received ….. stiff sentences!

Moving on…..  March Madness has begun, but my number one tournament pick did not fare well.  I chose Yeshiva University.  (They won the NCAA Chess Tournament last year)  In any case, my money is now on Michigan.  (I don’t follow them, but they’re my son-in-law’s team.)  Go Wolverines!  (Or whatever they call themselves.)  I think they’re known as “Mishigas,” but I’m not sure.

The upcoming week promises to be a great one, as I have two book club appearances on the calendar.  One in San Antonio, and the other in Lakeway.  Thanks again to the lovely and talented Mary McVey and Sheila Niles for arranging these events.  You ladies are the best!

Finally, with sympathy and respect, I would like to acknowledge the passing of two remarkable people.  Ken Evans and Carolyn Haskell.  We lost both of these wonderful human beings this week, and coincidentally, they both LOVED to read.  They’d better have a darn good library in Heaven!  (My books are featured in the other place!)

Well, that’s about it for now…. today is “empanada day” around here.  (My job is to roll out the dough…. so what else is new?)  You folks take care, and have a safe and joyful week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

June 18, 2017

A WORD TO THE WISE!

Make that 100,000 words!  Are you sitting down?   Well, I am happy to announce that Murder Ink Press, in association with Penguin Press, has recently revised, re-edited, and re-published by first history book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  (The Untold Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder)  The brand new edition now shows 3 Gold Medals on the front cover.  The back cover has also been revised, and most importantly, the interior manuscript is flawless.  (Or as flawless as you can get!)

The pricing remains the same, and due to enormous public demand (mainly from my mother) the book is available everywhere in the universe.  (i.e., Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and leading bookstores across the nation.)  So, if you haven’t purchased a copy, now is the time to act.  (I am going to need additional travel funds during the summer!)  Seriously, though, this edition is truly a “collector’s edition,” and I will be happy to autograph the book for you.  (Just in case you want to sell it on eBay!)

So what else is new?  Well, if you read VARIETY, you know that this past Friday was a very special day for someone in Austin.  (No, not me.)  Last Friday, the eminent judge, Hon. Susan Marquess, retired from her career as the famous “Hanging (Out) Judge” of the Texas Hill Country!  After many, many years of public service, our lovely jewel of jurisprudence hung up her robe and banged her gavel for the last time.  (Don’t worry, she missed me!)  We all wish her the very best during her retirement years!

Incidentally, as you have probably read in the New York Times (that commie rag), there was a HUGE and LAVISH culinary event marking her judgeship’s retirement.  A marvelous culinary extravaganza was held at the Hill Country mansion of Barbara and Max Talbott.  OMG, what a feast!  Honey glazed ham, Viennese potato casserole, bean salad, pecan cinnamon buns, key lime pie, and lots and lots of adult beverages.  (From what I remember, the bourbon was excellent!)  Miss Barbara simply outdid herself, and I intend to return the silverware upon my next visit.

You’ll note that I did not consume any health food during the aforementioned dinner party.  At my age I need all the preservatives I can get!

I would be remiss if I did not publicly thank my hosts (down in the quaint town of New Braunfels) for their invitation to last week’s “Meet & Greet An Author” event.  Our day began at Naegelin’s Bakery (the oldest bakery in Texas) where we consumed several pfeffernuesse German cookies and a muffin or two.  From there we adjourned to Krause’s Biergarten & Cafe, but I can’t recall what we drank, or how much.  I do remember that there was some sort of foam in the mug.  Maybe we had little latte?  (I think not!)

By the way, the Animal World and Snake Farm Zoo has re-opened.  (The owner had been suffering from a “reptile dysfunction.”)  If you would like to observe a black mamba, king cobra, or python, then this is the place for you.  (The snake farm was used as a backdrop in one of my Adam Gold Mysteries, a book titled, DEVIL’S COVE)  It’s actually an interesting place to visit.

And speaking of visits….  As some of you know, my youngest daughter, Rebecca, owns a boutique on Congress Avenue in Austin.  (COVE Boutique)  Well, in this week’s “celebrity watch,” she welcomed Kevin Bacon and Norah Jones to the ever-growing list of celebrity shoppers.  Ms. Rebecca (and her soon-to-be-hubby) are on their way to Rome, Italy, and I would like to wish them “Bon Voyage!”  Hurry home, darling!

Finally, a HUGE shout-out to Ms. Sarah Doolittle, the BEST reporter in Texas!  Ms. Sarah is about to publish another wonderful article about yours truly, and the story is soon to appear in the Four Points News.  I would like to thank Sarah for her continued interest in my (semi) modest writing career.  Her interest (and friendship) is greatly appreciated!

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a happy FATHER’S DAY.  Having two gorgeous daughters, and being hugely proud of them, I know how great it is to be a Dad.  (And like many of you, I also had a wonderful father of my own!)  I truly hope that you have a love-filled day with your children, and we shall meet again next Sunday!  Until then, love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

*****  P.S.   I am attaching a photograph of the new book cover for THE SECOND MOURNING.  I hope you like it!

 

 

April 2, 2017

GONE WITH THE WIND… (AGAIN!)

WELL, THAT WAS FUN…..  Woke up under a severe tornado warning, quarter-inch hail, torrential rain, and 70-mile-per-hour winds.  (Just another lovely spring morning down here in Texas!)  I was about to send my wife for some bagels, when we heard a loud crack, looked outside, and found a cedar tree on our front lawn.  (A tree that had NOT been planted there!)  Being a good husband, I told my wife that I would get the bagels… while she cut down and removed the cedar tree.  I cannot print her reply, as this is a family-blog.  She did, however, mention something about a movie called The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  The woman is getting lazier and lazier, but I still put up with her.

Other than falling timber, it’s been a fortuitous week.  My astute publisher has revised, re-edited, and re-released my first history book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  The new front cover (and the back) will show 3 of the gold medals I stole, I mean, won last year.  The interior has also been touched up and the entire book looks just wonderful.  The new edition will be available at the end of the month. (If anyone needs an autographed copy, just let me know.)

Speaking of signing autographs, this coming week will find yours truly at several book signings, and most importantly, at the Blackfinn Restaurant in the Domain on Thursday evening.  Thanks to the lovely and talented Meagan Kiernan, I will addressing the Texas Surplus Lines Association, a group of prominent insurance professionals.  My presentation will include a brief personal history (of my insurance background) some clever, and mostly true, tales, and a discussion of my insurance-related mystery series.  (The Adam Gold books.)  Should be another great evening.

The very next day, Friday, April 7, I will be “performing” at a special gathering for my dear friend, Lee Bomblatus, known on this blog page as Baron Lee.  (I’m taking the Baron out to dinner, at a very fancy restaurant, but he’s paying.  I intend, as usual, to leave my wallet in the car.)  Dinner will be in Austin, but just to cover my bases, I intend to park in Waco.  Hey, a guy can’t be too careful!

And since we’re discussing money, congratulations to Ms. Rebecca Lee Yanoff, the beautiful and brilliant owner of COVE Boutique.  (On South Congress.)  The trade papers are reporting that COVE just set a one-day sales record, and if this keeps up, you-know-who (me) should be getting a free condo somewhere in South Florida.  Hey, Father’s Day is just around the corner!  (Keep thinking big, Rebecca!)

The spring fling book tour has been finalized and will revolve around 4 major stops…..  Boca Raton, Amelia Island, Savannah, and Charleston.  (The Atlanta stop was cancelled due to the recent fire on I-85.  Man, talk about burning bridges!)  Most of the stops include an historic B & B, so I am really looking forward to this venture.  If you live in one of the places I’m going, just drop me a line and I will tell you where to find my book signing gig.  I will also list the B & Bs on a later blog, so if you’re around, stop by and say hello.  (You may also win an autographed copy of my Low Country mystery, A RUN FOR THE MONEY!)

AND NOW FOR THE PIECE OF RESISTANCE, or rather, THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE!    For those of you that are still awake (after all these bad jokes) I have a special surprise for you!  If you scroll down after this blog is over, you will see a photograph of the front cover of my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES.  I love the cover, and owe a great deal to the incredibly talented artist who suggested the basic color scheme and layout.  (Ms. Rachel Zell)  The book will probably be available this coming week, and I will keep you posted of the exact release date.  In the meantime, let me know what you think of the cover!

Well, as I mentioned earlier, I have a tree to remove, so I must take my leave.  (If I don’t supervise and give advice, my wife will make a mess of cutting up the tree.)  Actually, I’ll be doing all of the cutting.  She just watches and barks instructions.  (Ever hear the phrase, “you’re barking up the wrong tree?”  Now you know where it got started!)    Have a great week, and remember to laugh!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

February 19, 2017

OFF TO THE RACES!

Well, almost off.  I was supposed to be running in today’s 26th Annual Austin Marathon, but I overslept and missed the entire race!  I am soooo annoyed.  I hate to admit it, but this is the 26th time that I have overslept and missed the dang race!  What the heck is wrong with me?  (Not enough time to go into that!)  I was hoping to participate so that I could get in shape for my upcoming appearance on “Dancing With The Stairs.”  (A new show that offers you a chance to “get up in the world.”)  Speaking of getting up in the world, did you know that one of my brothers was an orphan?  My brother Ron was born during an elevator strike.  He had nobody to bring him up.  Very sad.

I would actually be a good dancer except for two things.  My feet.  I simply lack the muscular coordination to glide effortlessly around the dance floor.  Of course, that has not stopped me from trying.  My grand-daddy told me that I should enjoy dancing and dance as if nobody was watching… because in my case, they weren’t!

Since we are on the subject of “effortless movement,” allow me to address a number of inquiries about my last voyage to the sun-drenched Caribbean.  A rather large number of my blog followers have asked me to write more about my travels, since they love the topic or might be planning their own adventure.  Your wish is my command!  Shall we start with Turks & Caicos?  Lovely little islands, almost always warm and sunny.  Not much to do if you don’t swim, snorkel, or scuba dive.  I enjoy all three activities, and the water in this part of the world is G-R-E-A-T!  They have 2 or 3 beaches that are worth a visit, and all of the beaches are open to the public.  (You may have to rent a chair & umbrella on some beaches.)  No food worth dreaming about, but the locals are sweet and gracious, and they do have some very good rum.

The Turks & Caicos are actually a group of about 40 islands clustered together.  The Caicos are the larger islands, and the Turks the smaller ones.  Population somewhere around 33,000 (depending on Hurricanes!)  If you’re a water rat like me, you should seek out the island of Providenciales (known as Provo).  Here you will find an incredible 14-mile-long barrier reef filled with every imaginable fish, and if you’re lucky, you might find some pirate treasure!

I love this spot for several reasons, and if you want to learn more about the area, you should read my second “Adam Gold mystery,” titled, THE PIRATE PATH.  We actually handled a fascinating insurance claim in the Bahamas, so if you want to learn more, check out the book.  Most of it is true.  (Like my life!)

So what else is new?  Well, congratulations to the gorgeous owner of the COVE BOUTIQUE on Congress Avenue.  (Downtown Austin)  I understand that the lovely establishment was recently named as “the best new clothing store in Austin,” and also posted its most profitable day since opening!  Wow, quite impressive for a store that has only been open for one year.  (I wish the owner would buy me a condo in Hawaii!)  Hey, is that too much to ask of my own daughter?  I think not.

By the way, several of my astute blog followers have asked about the poker tournaments on my last voyage.  (They probably want to borrow some money)  Well, I got lucky.  Very lucky.  I won the first big tournament (with a pair of deuces!) and came in 4th in the second tournament.  The pay-out was fairly substantial, and covered most of my trip expenses.  (If you work for the IRS, please disregard this entire blog!)

In closing, I would like to thank my friends at the Broken Spoke for a most entertaining evening.  After my last beer-fest, I told myself that I was drinking too much.  Then I thought about it and realized that I was being foolish.  Why should I listen to a guy who gets drunk and talks to himself?  (Just saying.)

Finally, I would like to send some special thoughts and prayers to Mrs. Margaret Bell, a VERY dear friend and one of the most remarkable and lovely ladies I have ever met.  Get well soon, Miss Margaret.  I miss my margarita buddy!

Well, time to run.  I am spending this afternoon in deep contemplation, trying to figure out how those little insects manage to get inside a sealed light bulb.  Very puzzling.  Nevertheless, I wish you well, and hope you have a safe and pleasant week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.   The winner of last week’s trivia contest (and a $200 gift card) was Gianmario Sanguineti of Milan, Italy.  Well done, sir!

 

 

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February 12, 2017

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SECEDE…..

OMG, I leave the country for a couple of weeks, and the world begins to fall apart! (Or maybe just the west coast)  I just read that the groovy citizens of California are seriously considering c-section!  Oh wait, make that secession.  Either one would be foolish, and if I remember correctly, secession has been tried before.  I don’t remember the details, but I think it ended rather poorly.  In any case, I hope our confused brethren  don’t leave until my books have been optioned by Hollywood.  (Talk about national tragedies!)

Frankly, I think that some of the protest signs have been a little questionable.  One guy had a “Stop” sign, and some old hippie chick had a yellow “Yield” sign.  Man, talk about mixed messages!  My favorite signs were “Slippery When Wet” and “No U-Turn.”  (I don’t intend to touch these jokes with a “ten foot pole!”)  Besides, methinks I doth protest too much.  (See how I slip those clever literary references into my blog?)

Well, I had my first book signing at a full-fledged honky -tonk last week, and it was great fun.  Did you know that the word “tonk” used to mean piano?  So when a fellow honked the tonk, he played some music.  I thought you might find that interesting.  One old cowboy came up to me and asked if I knew the difference between a dog and a fox.  (The answer?  Nine shots of tequila!)  By the way, if you haven’t been to Giddings, you should go there.  (The folks in Giddings get a little giddy after those tequila shots!)

For those of you who have inquired about the release date of my next historical masterpiece (TURBULENT TIMES), we are looking at early May.  I recently had the pleasure (?) of reviewing 932 endnotes, which only took two weeks!  Don’t ask me why, but I wound up with over 300 books on my bibliography!   Actually, I had to do quite a bit of research for this book, as many of my “factoids” have never been presented to the public before.  When you present startling information, you must leave a paper trail for subsequent authors and researchers.  Very time-consuming, but such is life.

So what else is new?  Well, last week’s gala dinner honoring Judge Susan and the Princess of Portugal was absolutely fabulous.  (Both ladies turned 39!)  The invited guests (and a few party-crashers) dined on Chicken Patriciano, eggplant parmigiana, and assorted Italian greens.  As usual, the gluttons (me) overate, over-drank, and over-stayed their welcome.  You know, it’s not easy to over-stay your welcome when the party is at your own house, but I managed to do it!)

Incidentally, for those of you who live in the Southeastern portion of America, please mark your calendars that I will be coming to Savannah and Charleston in May to pick up my recent literary award.  (My last mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, won a major award in January.)  I am really looking forward to returning to “the scene of the crime,” so to speak.  The book, or most of it, takes place in the South Carolina Low Country.  Get those mint juleps ready!

Finally, I would like to extend a belated birthday wish to the captain of our recent ship voyage.  (Captain Sven “Iceberg” Olson, of Oslo, Norway)  I remember asking him (last month) about our particular vessel.  I asked him how frequently smaller ships sink.  He said, “Only once.”   Well, that was certainly a reassuring answer.  (Now you know why I sleep with my life preserver on!)

In closing, I would like to congratulate my cousin Max, who recently caught (and released) a huge, 8-pound bass in Florida!  (Yes, he provided photographic evidence.)  Max used a special pole (a south pole, I believe) to catch the behemoth, and then, coincidentally, watched some pole dancing back at the lodge.  Ah, wilderness!  (Do I sound jealous?)  Don’t feel sorry for me, endnotes can be very stimulating.  (Yeah, right.)

Well, my friends, keep those cards and letters coming.  And… if you want to win a gift card… be the first to provide the correct answer to the following question:   What famous person rented a house from William H. Seward during the Civil War?

Good luck, and have a safe and happy week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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January 29, 2017

SAIL OF THE CENTURY!

AHOY THERE, landlubbers!  Captain Kidder (yours truly) has returned from his 3-week nautical adventure on the high seas.  Actually, I never got “high,” but I did consume a fair amount of rum.  One guy on our ship drank a gallon of shellac and died, but he had a “nice finish.”  (Ouch!)  I recently returned to lovely Austin, Texas, and I’m glad to be home.  (I didn’t want to miss the end of cedar season!)  In any case, it’s great to be back, but I do miss the warm salt air and the fragrance of Coppertone suntan lotion.  By the way, my wife also loves Coppertone lotion.  (She supports the women’s lubrication movement!  Frankly, so do I, but I won’t go there right now.)

My recent sojourn began in Boca Raton, Florida, the land of silk and money.  During our voyage we covered roughly 3,000 nautical miles, but since I was on a ship, I stayed dry.  (Or was that my martini?)  Naturally, I made many new friends, sold some books, and gained a few more blog followers.  (We will probably have 50,000 followers by the end of 2017!)

As most of you know, I LOVE the Caribbean, and not just because the locals named a dish after me.  (Jerk Chicken)  This voyage started in the Turks & Caicos, but I didn’t meet any Turks or Caicos.  From there we sailed to Puerto Rico to visit my hubcaps.  After San Juan, we traveled to Tortola, which is part of the British Virgin Islands.  Not to complain, but once again I did not meet a single virgin.  After leaving Tortola, we stopped in a remote and lovely spot called Punta Cana, which is located on the eastern end of the Dominican Republic.  Punta Cana is GORGEOUS, and has soft white sand and crystal clear water.  Great diving, snorkeling, and swimming.  We were actually the very first “touristas” to ever visit by ship, and it was well worth the stop.  The Dominicans are gracious and welcoming, but don’t confuse the Dominican Republic with the island of Dominica, which is much further south.  (If you do, they will throw a coconut at your head!)

Our final port of call was Nassau, in the Bahamas, where I spent the day scouting movie locations for my second mystery novel, THE PIRATE PATH.  (More on that later)  I would like to thank our hosts at the Melia Beach Resort for a truly memorable visit.  The weather, water, and women were perfect!  (Remind me to tell you my “Coppertone story.”  Let’s just say that I rubbed a few chicks the wrong way!)

Of course, the best part of spending much of your adult life on a cruise ship is meeting other travelers, and this voyage was no exception.  In fact, I’d like to say “howdy” to a few of my new friends, which includes, Jon & Candace Hatch (our “Happy Hour” buddies) Jerry & Miriam Klein from Nashville, and Cyril & Joan Villiers from the U.K.  It was such a pleasure to wine and dine with you folks!

Well, now that I’m “back in the saddle,” I have to review the final editing revisions on my next history book, titled, TURBULENT TIMES.  (The Remarkable Life of William H. Seward)  The publisher is aiming for a May 1st release date, which would arrive just in time for the summer season.  (I can’t believe that I now have to read my own writing!  For the third time!)

In closing, I would like to thank the D.H.S. for allowing me to re-enter the country.  Apparently they did not hear about the “Coppertone incident” on St. Barts, which was our second stop.  Nor did they learn about the “topless” photographs that I took on the island of Antigua.  (Our fourth stop.)  Those dang French ladies are more modest that they appear to be… and they can run very quickly in thongs… the thongs you wear on your feet!)

I will post some (uncensored) photographs on my next blog, but don’t get your hopes up.  The topless photographs were confiscated by some pervert in Customs.  Besides, my wife only let me take pictures of the men on the beach!  (That woman is such a prude!)  Well, be well and have yourselves a safe and joyful week.  Speak to you next Sunday…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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December 11, 2016

SWEDES SIMMER & STEW OVER SONGWRITER SNUB!

How’s that for alliteration?  By the way, alliteration has nothing to do with dogs or puppies.  (Just saying.)  I posted this headline to remind my blog followers that, despite my best intentions, I could not resolve the ongoing dispute between the Nobel Prize Committee and Bob Dylan.  (Who sent a lousy note of thanks, instead of showing up for the ceremony.)  I offered to fly to Sweden and accept the loot, but they refused to show me the money.  I even offered to pretend that I was a (more) famous writer, such as Dylan Thomas.  Nope, that wasn’t good enough.  Marshal Dylan was out, too.  (Do you think James Arness drove a Dodge?)  Well, you can’t say that I didn’t try.

Now you know why I prefer the Danish.  (Some good pastry jokes here!)  I still say that the only good thing about Sweden was Inger Stevens.  (And you folks know what happened to that poor girl!)  Anyway, I’m not bitter, I just sound it.  Personally, I’d rather have that Beverly Hills Award I mentioned last week.  (No Lutefisk at our awards dinner!)  Time to move on, but don’t be surprised if I ask for a recount.  (Everyone else is!)

So what else is new?  Well, for one thing, my next book tour (and rum swigging adventure) has finally been announced in the trade papers.  However, you don’t have to trade papers to learn my itinerary.  Here it is (roughly) subject to final approval from the Dept. of Homeland Insecurity:   First, the Cayman Cookout on January 12-15 (featuring the infamous chef, Anthony Mundane) is still questionable, BUT I will definitely have a presence (or some presents) on the following Caribbean islands….  Grand Turk, Puerto Rico, St. Bart’s, Antigua, Tortola, and the Dominican Republic.

All of my (somewhat) brilliant mystery novels, and my (semi) interesting nonfiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, will be available at all of the book festivals scheduled for 2017.  If you find yourselves in the Caribbean (well, not IN the Caribbean, but near it) you should attend an event.  These festivals are really quite interesting (great food and drink) and you will be helping the local economy.  (Not to mention enriching me!)  Jeez, I said not to mention that!  What’s wrong with this blog editor?  Anyway, it should be great fun, and another wonderful tax deduction, I mean, literary event.

Speaking of great fun, the winner of our last trivia contest was Judith Freeman of Bozeman, Montana.  (Just south of Muleshoe and a little north of Bellylint)  Just kidding, I know where Bozeman is, and it is quite lovely.  Ms. Freeman gave the correct answer to the following question:  “What was the name of Jesse James’ favorite horse?”  Her answer?  The outlaw had 4 favorites!  (Another trick question!)  Not only did she get the number right, but she also knew their names!  (Katie, Skyrocket, Stonewall, and Red Fox.)  Congratulations, and she will now receive a $300 gift card to Home Depot.  (God, my blog followers are soooooo smart!)

And since we are on the subject of “congratulations,” allow me to congratulate Mr. Adam Zell, my hard-working, Pittsburg-Steeler-Loving, son-in law, who recently received the Diamond Club Award from Realty Austin (one of our city’s most prominent realtors) for selling over…..  (drum roll, please!)…..  $10,000,000 in real estate!  We are very proud of Adam, and this is truly a great accomplishment.  (But slightly below marrying my daughter and producing Miss Goldie!)  If the boy was a Yankee fan, he’d be perfect!

Well, dear friends, I must start packing for my next appearance.  I have some special events lined up in Houston this coming weekend, and a HUGE party to attend on Wednesday and Thursday.  (Thursday is our annual Steiner Ranch Poker & Pilsner Party.  Thanks to the generosity of Rich & Sharon Walker (two other great realtors in Austin) we will be celebrating a decade of poker decadence and downright dependency!  (I’m really starting to enjoy this alliteration thing.)

We shall chat again upon thy return!  (assuming I can find my way out of Houston!)  Until then, be well, and God Bless…   Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

***  God-willing, there might be a photo or two attached to this blog!

 

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November 20, 2016

YANOFF DEMANDS RECOUNT!

How could I have lost the presidential election?  How?  I was sure that my blog followers would push me over the top.  (Many have tried this before!)  Now I have to disband my political organization, the L.E.T.S. Party.  (Leave Everything To Steve Party.)  Maybe the public was unaware of my record.  (I had a long record, but only two convictions.)  Who knows.  As they say, there is no accounting for taste.  I shall simply console myself with the knowledge that I tried my best, and can now resume a life of total decadence.

To add insult to injury, I have recently been contacted by the Trump “Transition Team.”  I told them that I was very happy being a man, and that I had no intention of transitioning into a woman.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!)  I simply hate wearing high heels.  Besides, from where I sit (in the kitchen) I see the entire political system as corrupt.  Why?  Because yesterday I tried to turn in a late ballot and was told that it was too late to vote!  You can vote early but not late?  What’s the story with that?

Now I hear that some folks want to eliminate the Electrical College.  Would you like to know my “current position” on that?  I agree!  I’d lead the “charge” if I had the “right connections!”  (Damn, these are pretty good puns!)  Why don’t we have a Secretary of Humor?  (Oh God, here comes another “plug!”)

Enough politics.  What else is new?  Well, I had a great Sunday luncheon with an old friend and insurance colleague, Ms. Meagan Kiernan.  Meagan once worked for Yanoff & Co. and is now a V.I.P. at a Dallas insurance company.  She’s smart, pretty, and personable, and just happens to be the daughter of two of my high school friends from Valley Stream!  Three days later, I spent a lovely evening at the Steiner Ranch Steakhouse, chatting with Loyd and Shelley Smith, two of the nicest folks in the universe!  Loyd is my new booking agent, but I’m trying to encourage him not to arrange any more history lectures at dawn!  (Dang, those Lakeway folks are early risers!)

Speaking of wine (well, steaks are close enough!) have you folks tried any of the wines from Barons Creek Vineyards?  They are superb!  My friend and neighbor, Marc Chase, is one of the owners and he was kind enough to give me a few bottles last week.  The vineyard is located in lovely Fredericksburg, smack dab in the middle of the Texas Hill Country.  Great venue for some wine-tasting, and they also have their own wine club and guest facilities.  (If you’re willing to buy some wine and spend the night,  I’ll plant myself on the sofa and read one of my books to you.  Trust me, you’ll fall asleep quickly!)

Congrats to Col. Richard Myerson, the winner of our last trivia contest.  The Army colonel was the first to provide the correct answer about John Wesley Hardin’s mistress, whose name was…..  Beulah Morose!  This week’s question?  What was the name of Jesse James’s favorite horse?  (I only need the stallion’s first name, not the first and last!)  The winner will receive…  a $100 gift card to Home Depot.  Good luck, amigos!

In closing, I would like to wish all 34,000 of my blog followers a VERY happy and healthy Thanksgiving.  If you live in this wonderful country, you have much to be thankful for, and you should enjoy your meal and forget about my recent political humiliation.  I’ll get over it.  I’ll survive.  I’m already making plans for 2020.  (I might run for mayor of Antigua.)  In any case, go forth and “gobble” up your feast!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  As an added holiday bonus, I am attaching some more photographs of my last Sicilian adventure!  Arrivederci!

 

 

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October 16, 2016

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN…..

Well, maybe Interstate 35 isn’t heavenly, but it does lead to Dallas, which is quite an impressive city.  I spent a few days in “Big D” last week, and I must admit, it was very enjoyable.  Our first stop was Highland Park, where our hosts provided a glorious evening of French food and wine.  (Ooh la la, if you know what I mean!)  Dinner included a brief speech about my new mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, followed by a veritable feast for the senses.  (Especially the taste and smell senses!)  There was plenty of pate, including my wife, Pate Yanoff,  and some truly wonderful wine.  (No whining, just wine.)

Day two was spent on the (lovely) campus of SMU.  I guess you could say that I was a visiting professor.  (after all, I was visiting!)  The purpose of my visit was to view the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum.  (I am doing some final research on my next history book, TURBULENT TIMES, which deals with the remarkable life of William H. Seward.)  The museum is quite interesting and if you love American history, you will enjoy the various displays dealing with the Bush Administration.  The Archive Library is also wonderful, so if you need to do some presidential research, this is the place to do it.  (Mention my name and you will get a free bookmark.)

While we were up in Dallas, we had to do one of those “bucket-item” things that you hear about from time to time.  Thus, we drove over to the State Fair of Texas and spent the afternoon munching on a wide variety of fried foods.  The best items were the Corny Dogs and the Fried Tofu.  (Just kidding about the tofu!)  They had a lot of games on the midway, but the most popular was the old “guess my weight  attraction.”  (Which they will be replacing with a “cholesterol guessing game” in the very near future.)  If you love fried foods, or have a death wish, then this is the fair for you!

By the way, speaking of death wishes, if you missed my last radio interview, you can hear the entire show on the new “Book Club Radio Program Podcast.”  (Hosted by John Austin.)  Just “Google” the name and a schedule will pop onto your screen.  The show is featuring two of my interviews this month, THE SECOND MOURNING interview and the interview on A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  I think you will enjoy them both, and they’re both free!

And since we are on the subject of “free stuff,” congratulations to Mr. Robert Loeb of East Meadow, New York, the winner of our last trivia contest.  Mr. Loeb won a $300 gift card, courtesy of my generous publisher, Murder Ink Press.  There will be many more contests and gifts in the weeks ahead, so stay tuned for my future blog posts!

Incidentally, this week’s trivia contest is NOT about me or my books.  (Thank God!)  A new iPhone (No, not a Samsung Galaxy!) will be given to the first person who can tell me how many Presidential Libraries there are in America.  If you can tell me which President has two libraries, you will win a gift card, too!  Good luck, and may the fastest typist win!

Finally, since we live in a day and age of enormous political strife, I would like to remind you of a pleasantry uttered by President Reagan, who referred to Presidential Libraries as “classrooms of Democracy.”  If you want to remind yourself just how great America truly is, then visit one of these fascinating museums.  You will come away reinvigorated and rejuvenated!  (And the admission will be less than a massage!)

Have a safe and smile-filled week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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