LOOK INTO MY EYES!

You’re getting sleepy…  sleepy…  sleepy…  All right, maybe not.  Maybe you don’t suffer from insomnia (I have the reverse problem!) so you feel well rested.  However, did you know that 10% of Americans suffer from insomnia?  (For some reason, 13% of Canadians also have insomnia.  Might have something to do with boredom.)  In any case, insomnia is no laughing matter.  Thus, I have donated several cases of books to the National Sleep Foundation.  (Please, no jokes about the quality of my writing!)  These folks are in need of some reading material for their patients, and if anybody’s writing can put someone to sleep, it’s mine.

According to my contact at the foundation, more women than men have sleeping disorders.  (They probably spend more time dreaming about sales at the mall!)  Since my generous donation, I have learned some interesting things about insomnia….  (so stay awake!)  i.e.,  Insomnia is often hereditary.  (My children drove me crazy!)  Pets can also have insomnia.  Although, cats spend about 2/3 of their lives sleeping.  (The other third ruining the furniture!)  Almost 20% of marijuana users suffer from insomnia.  Humans spend 1/3 of their lives sleeping.  (With a few notable literary exceptions who are pushing the needle up!)

Actually, I think I’m requiring more sleep because of my age.  I’m old enough to remember when coffee was just called coffee.  Oops, I’m dating myself.  (Who else would go out with me!)  I’m not as old as my neighbor.  His first homeowner policy covered fire, theft, and Indian raids!  Was that a lame joke?  So Sioux me!

So what else is new?  Well, tonight we celebrate Baron Lee’s birthday with a gala dinner party at my house.  BYOB.  (Bring Your Own Belly)  The feast will include pheasant under and over glass.  Mushed potatoes.  Hairy convert beans.  Catcher In The Rye Bread.  And Half-baked Alaska.  Hopefully, nobody will ask for a glass of wine, but if they do, we have a bottle of Boone’s Farm Rose.  (Bottled in late March)

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.  I am one generous guy.  What can I say?  To have a friend, you must be a friend.  And speaking of friends……  I have been invited to a wonderful event on Tuesday, April 24th, at the new Post Oak Hotel in Houston.  Coach Mack Brown (the former football coach at the University of Texas) is going to be inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame!  A well-deserved honor for a man who coached for 30 years and won a National Championship in 2005.  (Beating USC in one of the best games in history!)

And since we’re on the subject of winning titles…..  I am going to tease you a little by sharing some information about my present literary project……  My newest mystery novel, titled, CAPONE ISLAND, has been accepted for publication even though I  still have 3 more chapters to finish!  This marks the first acceptance of an unfinished work for me, and I am thrilled to join the elite club of authors who manage to scam, I mean, secure a contract.  Seriously though, I greatly appreciate the vote of confidence.  (Now all I have to do is finish the darn book!)

In closing, I would like to offer a huge THANK YOU to Mrs. Barbara Talbott and Mr. Max Talbott for hosting tomorrow’s special Bridal Luncheon for my gorgeous daughter, Rebecca Lee.  Ms. Becky is getting married (in Maui, Hawaii) in June.  The luncheon will be held at the enchanting Austin Club downtown.  BYOB.  (Just kidding!)  The champagne will be flowing freely, and I’m sure the ladies will have a marvelous time.  (NO BOYS ALLOWED!)  Again, this is a lovely and generous gesture, and greatly appreciated by the entire Yanoff clan.  (Even by those family members who are presently incarcerated, and unable to attend!)

If you scroll down at the end of this blog, you will see a facsimile of the award that I recently received from Reader Views Magazine.  They were kind enough to choose my recent history book, TURBULENT TIMES, as one of the “Best U.S. History Books of the Year.”  Once again, I would like to thank the judges for this wonderful honor.  Well, time to close up shop until we meet again.  As Bill Shakespeare once said…..  parting is such sweet sorrow!  Have a great week…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

Well, thanks to the lovely and talented Sheila Niles (my new publicist) I had the pleasure of speaking to a group of wonderful, intelligent, and sweet ladies this past week.  No, I was not at Hooters again!  I was at a marvelous book club in Lakeway, and I spent an enjoyable afternoon discussing my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES.  The ladies (and a few gents) were enthralled by my oratorical skills, and mesmerized by my encyclopedic knowledge of history.  Then again, they might have been staring at my shirt buttons, which were not aligned.  (But very close)  Who knows.  Either way, it was great fun, and I thank Sheila and her incredible friends who were a super audience.  (And thanks for the champagne!)

After my talk, I went to the supermarket, and I had quite an experience.  This hot young lady kept staring at the items I had in my cart, and she would not stop checking me out!  Unfortunately, she was the cashier, so she had to check me out.  Still, I was somewhat flattered when she asked me how my day was going.  (That’s chick language for “I want to ravage you.”)  Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating.  (I do write some fiction!)

Speaking of writing…..  If you check out the recent issue of the MANHATTAN USER’S GUIDE, you’ll see that they gave me a wonderful write-up and spoke highly of TURBULENT TIMES.  (Telling their readers and the millions of tourists who use the newsletter that if they were interested in William H. Seward, they “couldn’t do better than Stephen G. Yanoff’s biography, published in April, titled TURBULENT TIMES.)  What a nice surprise, and it’s always great to receive some valuable (free) publicity.  My thanks to the folks in the “Big Apple!”

I’m staring outside right now, and believe it or not, I just saw a snake crawl by on my back porch.  (We have a lot of snakes in Texas.  More than Washington, D.C.)  Anyway, that got me thinking…..  It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake.  Hssssssss.

And since we’re on the subject of free publicity, some of you folks subscribe to an intriguing publication called Bookmad Magazine.  (One of America’s most popular magazines about all things literary.)  Well, my friends, if you’ll take a close look at the March issue, you’ll find a featured article on…..  yep, you guessed it, TURBULENT TIMES.  The book is generating a lot of “buzz,” so “bee-have” yourself and buy a copy!  (This one’s a real “honey!”)   All right, no more flying insect jokes.

When the world ends, I want to be in Arkansas.  Everything happens twenty years later in Arkansas.  (And the state is actually quite beautiful)

For those of you who might be keeping track of my spring book tours, I will be going east (S. Carolina and Florida) in May, and then it’s off to Maui, Hawaii for a week in June.  The summer trip is fairly well set, and luckily, it involves a return visit to Italy, Slovenia, Croatia, Greece, and Turkey.  I shall provide further details once I have them.  (and before you ask, I am NOT working for Interpol!)  The Mossad, maybe, but not Interpol.

Well, my dear blog followers, I must be on my way…..  Stormy Daniels is on CNN again.  Just remember, adultery is nothing to write home about!  And by the way, it’s okay to live in the moment, as long as you show up on time.  So there.

Have a safe and joyous week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

SEWARD’S FOLLY MAKES ME JOLLY!

For those of you who don’t follow politics, the biggest news out of Washington this week (according to the book editor at the Post) was the selection of the Finalists for the 2017-2018 READER VIEWS BOOK AWARDS.  I am happy to report that my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES, was chosen as a Finalist for “Best U.S. History Book of the Year!”  This is the seventh literary award the book has won, but this stuff never gets old.  I am truly humbled by the honor.

If I win the gold medal, I’m going to ask Stormy Daniels to pin the medal on me.  Why?  Because if she wins a medal, I’ll be able to use a great line:  “Hey, Stormy, what do you want, a medal or a chest to pin it on?”

Speaking of storms, did you notice that Finland was recently chosen as the “Happiest Nation on Earth?”  The article I read stated that the average Finn has sex three times per week.  (I wonder if the older guys have any trouble crossing the “Finish line.”)  Even if those numbers are real, I’m not impressed.  Why?  Because my wife and I have sex almost five times per week.  (Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, …..)

In a related article, some outdoorsman claimed that Moose have sex seven days per week!  When my uncle read the article, he quit the Elks.  (These lame jokes are mainly for my horny blog followers.)

Speaking of sex, (notice a theme?) I recently mentioned that the Austin Police arrested a gang of thieves who stole one hundred cases of Viagra.  If you recall, I described the gang as “hardened criminals.”  Well, I just found out that they were all convicted in  court of law.  Yep, you guessed it, they received ….. stiff sentences!

Moving on…..  March Madness has begun, but my number one tournament pick did not fare well.  I chose Yeshiva University.  (They won the NCAA Chess Tournament last year)  In any case, my money is now on Michigan.  (I don’t follow them, but they’re my son-in-law’s team.)  Go Wolverines!  (Or whatever they call themselves.)  I think they’re known as “Mishigas,” but I’m not sure.

The upcoming week promises to be a great one, as I have two book club appearances on the calendar.  One in San Antonio, and the other in Lakeway.  Thanks again to the lovely and talented Mary McVey and Sheila Niles for arranging these events.  You ladies are the best!

Finally, with sympathy and respect, I would like to acknowledge the passing of two remarkable people.  Ken Evans and Carolyn Haskell.  We lost both of these wonderful human beings this week, and coincidentally, they both LOVED to read.  They’d better have a darn good library in Heaven!  (My books are featured in the other place!)

Well, that’s about it for now…. today is “empanada day” around here.  (My job is to roll out the dough…. so what else is new?)  You folks take care, and have a safe and joyful week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

MARCH MADNESS! (PART 3)

Ah, Texas weather.  What a joy to behold.  Yesterday was sunny and hot (85 degrees!) and today is cloudy and 70 degrees.  So much for water polo.  Mr. Twain was right… everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it!  (He also said that golf is a good walk spoiled!)  I guess I shouldn’t complain, considering what my northern friends are going through.  (There’s no business like snow business!)

Speaking of spoiled, my wife has recently informed me that the Bible says that all men should make coffee for their wives.  (Look under “He-brews!”)  Even the devil can quote scripture for his own purpose!  What can I say, families are like fudge… mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

And since we’re on the subject of sweet nuts, the Princess of Portugal and her fearless traveling companion, Baron Lee, have returned from the former debtor’s colony known as Australia.  All did not go well!  I’m not sure, but I think the Princess may have found a lover!  She sent me several emails about Sydney, which she confessed to adore.  I don’t know who Sydney is, but he sounds like a pervert.  (She said something about enjoying down under, which sounds like a dirty sex act to me!)  If you ask me, they consumed too much Aboriginal food.  Would you believe that Aussie restaurants serve peanut butter & box jellyfish sandwiches?  Croc in-a-box burgers?  Wallaby wings? How about Kangaroo beer?  (A lot of “hops!”)  G’day, mate, not for me!

On a more delirious note, you might be wondering how I’ve become America’s most award-winning mystery novelist.  (Aside from the bribery thing)  Well, if you’re curious, you can participate in the 4th Annual Mystery & Thriller Virtual Conference, which is now enrolling folks online.  This wonderful event is sponsored by Writer’s Digest.  (Or you can simply “Google” my radio interviews @ “Books By Stephen G. Yanoff.com   Either way, you’re sure to enjoy the valuable insights provided by a host of famous writers.  (and a few wannabes from Texas!)

Since you mentioned books…..  I have a special surprise for all of my 65,000 blog followers…..  later today, or perhaps tomorrow, there will be a special press release about a major literary award heading this way.  I am not at liberty to say much right now, but this is a HUGE award.  If you’re on the blog, or I have your email, stay tuned!

On a more serious note, I would like to extend my condolences to the family of Ken Evans, who passed away on Saturday.  Ken was a great guy, an amazing poker player, and one of my biggest fans.  He read and enjoyed all my books, and he was always a great friend and supporter of mine.  I wish his family comfort and peace, and I wish my dear poker buddy pocket aces for eternity!

If anybody is going downtown today, be mindful that we (Austin) are hosting yet another festival, so the traffic will not be good.  Also, don’t forget that we are now dealing with daylight savings time.  You must remember to set your clocks back before you go to bed tonight.  (“Spring back, fall ahead”)  I think that’s the way it goes.  Maybe you’d better check that.

Finally, since I have ruined Australia’s reputation, I would like to leave you with some photographs of the aforementioned couple during their “brief fling” with Sydney.  I’m not sure what the owls represent, but check out the Princess of Portugal and her hooters… quite large….  (enough said!)

Have a lovely week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

******** OWL PHOTOS ARE FOR THE BIRDS, BUT STILL ATTACHED!   ********

 

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

Or is that Lysol I smell?  You can never tell during flu season.  In any case, I’d like to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day.  I realize that it’s February 25th, but this is the day that I have always celebrated the holiday of love.  Why?  Because candy and flowers are much cheaper.  (Like me)  I’ll admit that the leftover candy is a little stale and the flowers a tad wilted, but it’s the thought that counts.  (You don’t want to know what my wife is thinking right now!)  Women are so hard to please.

We received good news from the Princess of Portugal and her dashing hubby, Baron Lee.  The fearless adventurers managed to outrun Typhoon Gita, which recently struck New Zealand.  (They are sailing around that part of the world)  Their ship, the S.S. Minnow, fared well and stayed afloat, which ain’t a bad thing.  Hopefully they can now get back to enjoying the crocodiles, poisonous snakes, and box jellyfish.  (All three will be on the menu later in the week!)

New Zealand and Australia are not on the next book tour, but I will be returning to South Florida in May, and let’s face it, Broward and Dade County are very similar. (Except they have alligators.)  Big difference.  A croc will see you in a while, but you’ll have to wait until later to see a gator.  I once owned a pair of alligator boots, so I know what I’m talking about.

When I was a young lad, my favorite board game was MONOTONY.  I also liked SCRABBLE, but I thought they should have called it SCRAMBLE, because I always ended up with egg on my face.  (Bad spelling)  The reason I mention these games is because I’ve been watching the Olympic Winter Games.  My favorite event is the figurine skating.  I simply adored the feminine, tight-fitting costumes covered in sparkling sequins, worn by lovely skaters whose hair and makeup were dazzling.  (The women skaters looked good, too.)

I wanted to participate in the Winter Games, but I owned a pair of cheap skates.  (My parents glued butter knives to the bottom of my shoes.  The blades kept breaking on the ice.)  Well, what can I say?  Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.  My wife likes to say that time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.  (No comment!)

When I was in Guatemala last month, I had the pleasure of renting a boat and traveling up the Rio Dulce River.  We were greatly impressed by the unspoiled beauty of the jungle, and we met some lovely folks along the way.  The highlight of the trip was a stop at a well-hidden jungle school for the indigenous people of the territory.  (I forget the name of the tribe, but they were very friendly.)  We brought along a bunch of textbooks for the children, and as I previously mentioned, I tried to sell them a few copies of my last history book, TURBULENT TIMES.  (They had no money, but I traded some books for a colorful bird.  Which we ate for lunch.)  Never order a parrot pizza in Guatemala!

As a special bonus for my loyal blog followers, I will be attaching some previously unseen photographs taken in the jungle.  The children is the photo were really cute, and very appreciative.  In fact, everyone we met in Guatemala was wonderful.  Next week I will try to post some photos from New Zealand and Australia.  (Unless you-know-who are eaten by those warriors with the tattoos!)

Until then, keep smiling and remember that laughing is like jogging on the inside!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

 

 

YOU GOTTA HAVE HEART!

Especially since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.  Luckily, I am just about through with my minor health problem… The moment I landed in Austin (from my Caribbean adventure) I was struck with acute sinusitis.  (Although there’s absolutely nothing cute about it!)  I went to the doctor thinking I might have a deviant septum, but no such luck.  Anyway, after daily rinsing and flushing and twelve gallons of Flonase, I am almost back to normal.  (Now there’s a scary thought!)  During my recovery, I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older:  younger!

So what’s the deal with Valentine’s Day?  Legend has it that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome.  Apparently, he was a romantic fellow. (The ladies said he had “Roman” hands!)  He loved wearing a toga.  So did his wife, whose name was Sarah.  (She would later be known as “Sarah-Toga.”)  Anyway, the holiday landed in February due to the fact that February 14th was the start of the mating season for birds in France and England.  (No joke)  The oldest known valentine card was written in 1415, and when I was in London a few years ago, I saw the card.  (It’s now part of the British Library in London.)

Just for the record, Americans began exchanging valentines in the 1700s.  George Washington sent a couple of notes to Martha while he was crossing the Delaware, but they got lost in the mail.  (A likely story!)  Ben Franklin also sent a few cards to his mistress, but she told him to go fly a kite.  (How “shocking”)  There is no truth to the rumor that Hamilton and Burr exchanged cards.  (Just bullets)

Believe it or not, ONE BILLION Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year, and not surprisingly, 85 percent of the cards are purchased by women.  (The stronger and more thoughtful sex!)  The Post Office hates the “day of love,” (fewer bathroom breaks) but they shouldn’t complain.  An estimated 2.6 billion cards are sent for Christmas.  Even more amazing, 7.4 billion cards are sent to me on my birthday!  (I’m rounding off a little.)

So, what else have I learned this week?  1.  Never let a two-year-old hold your beer.  2.  You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.  3.  Don’t cough when someone is cutting your hair.   If you want a further explanation of the above, please tune in next week, after I’ve had time to compose my thoughts.  Alas, these are the lessons of life that some of us must learn the hard way!

Incidentally, I recently learned that my new history book is being “seriously considered” for some sort of recognition by the National Book Awards.  (For 2018)  Naturally, I am quite pleased, but I do not expect to be included in the final list of  contestants.  Still, I’m very happy that TURBULENT TIMES has caught the eye of some important literary reviewers.  I’d like to thank my current publicist (Shifty Sackowitz) for doing such a marvelous job.  In my world, “Shifty is nifty!”

Before I forget, each month one of my blog followers will receive a lovely gift card from my (semi) generous publisher.  January’s winner was Ms. Rhonda Barton from Manchester, England.  (Is Manchester by the sea?)  In any case, Ms. Barton will soon receive a $200 gift card, which I hope she spends on me.  (Just kidding)  Enjoy the loot, and thanks for your support!

Finally, I would like to remind you NOT to send me any candy this year.  Please remember my motto:  “Boys who eat sweets, take up two seats.”  If you must send a bouquet, please send the flowers that are named after me.  (blooming idiots)  Frankly, I don’t expect anything from my blog followers, but if you want to send me some money, please send small bills.  I detest going to the bank for change.  (The last time I was there, service was very slow.  I said, “what’s the holdup?”  All hell broke loose!)  Now I know why they call it “Chase” Bank!  (No, they didn’t catch me.)

Well, my sweethearts, enjoy your special holiday, and keep smiling.  Life is full of wonderful rewards.  I started out with nothing, and still have most of it!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

SHIP TO SHORE!

Ahoy landlubbers, Captain Kidder has finally returned to terra firma!  Our final stop on this year’s Caribbean Book Tour & Rum Festival was lovely Key West, Florida.  (Where it was sunny and warm!)  We had a marvelous time cruising, boozing, and snoozing.  (Three of my favorite pastimes!)  A large number of my blog followers (two people) have asked me to regurgitate my favorite moments aboard ship…..  I learned that S.O.S. means Save Our Ship.  (I thought it meant Save Our Seats at the midnight buffet.)  Actually, if the ship starts to sink, S.O.S. should stand for “Save Our Stuff!”

On day three, the Captain insisted that I see the bridge.  I was not interested in seeing his dental work, but I took a quick peek just to be nice.  (He had more crowns than Henry the VIII!)  I shouldn’t have asked about the Panama Canal, because that led to a conversation about root canals.  (He probably thought the life boat drill was a dental instrument!)  In any case, he was often sober, so we had a pleasant voyage.  (Except for a minor incident in Guatemala.  Who knew she was a minor?)

Speaking of pleasantries…  we met a wonderful couple on the last night of our voyage.  Two highly talented and charming artists, Gus and Margaret, who now live in the Charleston area most of the year.  We enjoyed a steak and lobster meal at the Polo Grill and got to know each other quite well.  (Miss Margaret is also an author!)  What a fine way to conclude a memorable cruise!  Meeting nice people is always the best part of any trip.

Several of my Floridian blog followers have asked about the location of this year’s ceremony honoring the winners of the 2018 Florida Book Festival.  (My last history book, TURBULENT TIMES won the Gold Medal for “Best U.S. History Book of the Year.”)  I believe the event will be held at the Four Seasons Resort in Orlando, but I will confirm the place and date shortly.  (After I receive my room assignment.)  Last year I had to sleep in the parking lot, which was a little noisy.

When we arrived in Key West, I held a short book signing at Mel Fisher’s Treasure Museum.  As some of you know, I once owned a marine archaeology firm (Treasure Island Group) and spent about 20 years scouring the Laguna Madre (along the Texas coast) for the final resting place of Jean Lafitte, the famous pirate.  I loved every minute of that work, so speaking at the museum was a joy.

The late Mel Fisher was the one who discovered the 1622 Spanish wreck “Nuestra Señora de Atocha.”  The ship was located on July 20, 1985, and it contained roughly 40 tons of gold and silver!  (Valued, so far, at about $450 million dollars!)  Believe it or not, only half of the ship’s contents have been located.  What most folks don’t know, is that the ship also contained some of the world’s most valuable emeralds, taken from the Muzo Mine in Columbia.  All that glitters is not gold!

As a special treat, I will be attaching a couple of photographs from my Key West presentation.  Please note how cool, calm, and collected I appear to be on the front steps of the museum.  This was due entirely to rum!  Even more impressive is the fact that a local photographer was able to capture a photo of a very young lady who had just listened to my lecture.  (PLEASE NOTE HER FACIAL EXPRESSION, WHICH REVEALS THE BRILLIANCE OF MY ORATION!)

Until next Sunday, I bid thee a fond farewell.  Verily I say unto thee, cover your mouth when you cough!  (Let’s Get Through With The Flu!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

****** Photographs attached!