SAIL OF THE CENTURY!

Well, once again, I have consistently displayed the reason that certain (misbehaving) individuals were forced to walk the plank at sea!  How did I know that the life boat drill was mandatory?  I thought they said “mundane.”  (Which was true) And who knew you were not supposed to throw the life preservers overboard after the drill?  Jeez, you’d think they would have said something about that.  (They take up so much room in the closet.  Who needs both of them?)  Anyway, other than the above, and cheating in the first poker tournament, I have been extraordinarily well-behaved during our wonderful voyage.

And speaking of wonderful….  we have met so many wonderful folks!  Mainly from the U.S. and Canada, and each with a remarkable life story.  I am continuously fascinated by the lives that people have led up to this point, and greatly impressed by the amazing contributions they have made to society.  I’d like to give a little shout out to some of my new buddies…..  Sabatino & Joyce, Tom & Sally, Ann & Nelson, Ellis, Marty & Rochelle, and Robert & Ann.  (Our sweet Canadians!)

The Cayman Islands were a tad windy, but after a short 6-mile trek across the rugged mountains (more like hills) we managed to find our way to the first book signing, which was a HUGE success.  (Yes, there was plenty of rum!)  The next stop, even more glamorous, was a full afternoon at the Grand Occidental Resort in Cozumel.  (After I tripped walking up to the stage, they changed the name to the Grand ACCIDENTAL Hotel!)  The weather was sunny and warm, and our hosts treated us to an amazing Mexican-themed buffet.  (Yes, there was plenty of tequila!)

Today we will be spending the day at a beautiful and tranquil resort at Costa Maya, Mexico.  In Spanish, Costa Maya means Costa Maya.  (surprise, surprise)  Our book signing and Gringo Inspired Lecture will take place at the Barefoot Beach Club, which should be quite interesting.  (The beach has a “topless section.”)  No big deal to me.  I usually go topless anyway.  I’ll try to take some photographs, but I got in trouble doing that last year.  I’ll see what “develops” this year!

Needless to say, we are having a terrific “working vacation” and are greatly impressed by the food and service aboard our ship.  (Oddly named “Titanic II”)  I won’t worry unless I see Leonardo Dicaprio on deck, but for now, all is well.  The seas have been rather cooperative, but I’ve noticed that much of the water in the Caribbean is salty.  (What’s that about?)  I do hope that all of my sweet blog followers are safe and warm at home.  (We’ve been watching the weather reports)  Hopefully the cold weather will soon be gone.

Well, at they say in the sun tan lotion business, I don’t mean to rub it in, but it’s time to hit the beach!  First stop is a complimentary one hour massage!  I wanted to be a masseuse when I was young, but they told me that I rub people the wrong way!  (Two “rub” jokes in one blog!)  Assuming that my dear wife doesn’t get caught smuggling any emeralds (again), I shall write another blog in the near future.

Until then, stay safe, stay warm, and PLEASE don’t worry about me.  (Hey, somebody has to support the Mexican economy!)  Love to all,

Señor Estaban Yanoff   (a/k/a Doc Yanoff)

 

HAPPY (BELATED) NEW YEAR!

Well, I told you those rumors about my demise were greatly exaggerated!  I was missing in action because I had to deal with a bout of Cedar Fever, which is a misnomer (or more correctly a “mis-namer”) since it is actually caused by Ashe Juniper and does not produce a fever.  It does, however, produce a prolonged period of complete nasal annoyance.  Luckily I have an amazing constitution.  (And a very healthy Declaration of Independence, too!)  Thus, I have literally leapt from my sick bed to be here this morning.  (Why do they refer to it as a “sick bed?”  There was absolutely nothing wrong with my mattress.)

In any case, I trust you had a wonderful New Year’s Eve.  We were lucky enough to spend the evening with some dear friends at the home of Jaime and Gary Rubenstein.  The menu du jour included filet mignon and lobster tails, accompanied by all sorts of delicious goodies, and some excellent wines.  We all appreciate the great food and lively conversation, hallmarks of another special evening provided by our generous hosts!

And speaking of hallmarks, the fine folks at WordPress (the company that provides this blog site) have recently published the 2017 stats for all of their thousands of customers….. and once again…. thanks to you….. our blog is ranked in the TOP 5% OF ALL U.S. BLOG SITES!  We closed the year with over 60,000 followers, and next year promises to be even better!  I cannot thank you enough for your support and encouragement!

Tomorrow we are off for our annual “Shameless Caribbean Book Tour & Rum Guzzling Festival.”  Thanks to my recently paroled publicist, Black Bart Berkowitz, we will be promoting our books at the following locations this year…..   January 15 @ Books & Books on Grand Cayman, January 18 @ Lighthouse Book Store in French Harbor, Honduras, January 19 @ Rio Dulce Books in Santo Thomas, Guatemala, and a final stop at Key West Island Bookstore (on Fleming Street) on January 22nd.

If you find yourself anywhere near these stores, please stop by and say hello.  (And if you BEG me for an autograph in front of the store owner, I will send you a paper bag full of pesos whence I return to America.)  We are also bringing several cases of books (THE SECOND MOURNING and TURBULENT TIMES) to donate to schools in Guatemala.  Hopefully, these books will shed some light on our amazing history, and provide a flattering look at some of our past political figures.  By the way, just to show you what a truly incredible person I am, we will not be selling any of these books to the residents.  (However…. we will be accepting priceless antiquities from any period, as well as jade and emeralds.)  God, they just don’t make guys like me any more!

Between stops in Florida and the Caribbean, we should be gone about 3 weeks, which will be plenty of time for someone to rob us blind.  I should mention that our house will not be completely vacant during our absence.  My nephew, currently serving as a sniper in the IDF, will be house-sitting.  Best to knock loudly if you visit while we’re gone, and don’t wear anything that might look like a kefflyeh.  (My nephew is a little trigger happy.)   You know, now that I think about it, this might be a good time to increase my homeowner’s policy limit!

Well, dear friends, I must leave thee now.  Time to pack up the old suitcases and then have the wife carry those heavy suckers outside.  I hope she takes her time this year and doesn’t scratch the bed of my pick-up truck.  Women are awfully unpredictable nowadays.  Last year she demanded a tip!  (I told her to marry a younger man next time!)  God, is she lucky to have me, or what?  (You know, I could have gone with the “old bag jokes,” so don’t complain

HO HO HO, HERE WE GO!

Merry Christmas everyone!  In deference to the holidays this blog will be short and sweet…..   Incidentally, the definition of deference and difference is difficult to delineate.  (Duh!)  So how’s that for a Christmas Eve tongue twister?  By the way, if a person is tongue tied does that mean they speak knot?  (I’m just trying to “string” you along!)   Let’s start a new thread…..

My dear wife is busy preparing a Christmas Eve feast for our family.  Last year she made a lamb shank, but the meat was a little tough.  (I had to use a hacksaw to cut the darn thing!)  She’s hoping to redeem herself with another lamb shank this year.  No big deal.  They actually made a movie about our experience.  (Have you ever seen the “Shank Saw Redemption?”)  I know, it was a long way to go for a laugh!  What can I say, I’m not “sheepish” about these bad jokes!

Speaking of bad jokes, our Human Resources Manager (yeah, we finally hired someone) has recently issued some Christmas guidelines concerning the politically correct terms we are allowed to use this season…..    1.  Snowmen will now be referred to as “snow persons.”   2.  Reindeer will be called Air Freight Specialists   3.  Elves will be known as Vertically Challenged Gift Assemblers   4.  The song “White Christmas” is banned altogether.  5.  In deference (there’s that word again!) to the folks at PETA, no animals will be allowed in any Manger Scene.  (Potted plants are okay, but only one politician per scene!)   6.  Children must leave SKIM milk and vegan cookies for Santa.  No exceptions, per Mrs. Santa.

Lest I forget, congratulations to my dear friends, Jaime and Gary Rubinstein.  The lovely couple, Broadway producers par excellence, now have 3 shows running in New York and London.  If you like thespians, or even if you’re straight, you should see one of their shows.  Which ones, you ask?  ANASTASIA, ONCE ON THIS ISLAND, or DREAMGIRLS.   If you mention my name, it will get you nowhere, but I would appreciate the publicity.  And by the way, the “Royal Rubensteins”  (their stage name) will once again be hosting a magnificent New Year’s Eve party at their humble mansion in Lakeway.  (The menu du jour includes lobster and steak!

And just in case you’re wondering…..  last night’s Gala Pre-Christmas Eve Pork Party and Laugh-Fest was a blast!  This annual event was hosted by the Princess of Portugal, Baron Lee, and their royal visitor, Countess Connie.  (Who was accompanied by her bodyguard, Mark “Boom Boom” Bomblatus.)  What a night!  Laughter!  Wine!  Food!  Wine!  Joy!  Wine!  (I sound like I’m whining again!)  Thank you, dear friends.  All was superb!

Well, I must take my leave.  One of our relatives has requested that we include some wild game on tonight’s menu.  (I’m on my way to Target to pick up some checkers.)  I’ll show him a wild game!  Crown me, baby!  (Don’t ever say that to a dentist)

I do hope that each and every one of you that celebrates Christmas has a wonderful holiday!  Sincere best wishes to you and your families!  Old Doc loves you, baby!  Feliz Navidad!

 

 

 

 

NEVER A DILL MOMENT!

Actually, we had a number of dill moments this week, as we celebrated the arrival of Hanukkah, and spent hours opening dill pickle jars and consuming healthy dishes such as… potato latkes, applesauce, sour cream, kasha varnishkes, and rugelach.  (In Brooklyn they call this “The Dr. Debakey Diet.”)  Oy vey, my arteries are soooo clogged up!  Time to call Roto Rooter!   Anyway, let me wish all of my Jewish family and friends a HAPPY HANUKKAH!  (Don’t work too hard, and whatever you do, don’t “burn the candles at both ends!”)

Speaking of celebrations, last night was the Fifth Annual Festivus For- The- Best -of -Us Gala Dinner & Wine Festival.  (Sponsored by Barbara & Max Talbott, the most famous residents of Steiner Ranch.)  Among the honored guests were Judge Susan Marquess (“The Hanging Judge”), lovely Pat Cutrone, the Princess of Portugal, Baron Lee, Countess Connie (from the Azores), and Matt Lauer.  (Who kept hitting on my wife!)

Last night’s extravaganza was held at the Austin Club, which is a beautiful old structure (much like my mother-in-law) built in 1878.  Prior to becoming a social mecca, the building was known as the Millet Opera House.  (Not to be confused with the Mullet Opera House in Maine…. a very fishy place!)  During its heyday, the opera house saw performances by John L. Sullivan, William Jennings Bryan, John Phillip Sousa (who got soused), Lily Langtry, and the great Edwin Booth.  (Mr. Booth, as I’m sure you know, had three infamous siblings:  John Wilkes Booth, Toll Booth, and their sister, Fiona Booth.  (When was the last time you saw a Fiona Booth?)

I would like to thank the wonderful Talbott clan for hosting this marvelous event, which is always a spiritual event.  (Believe me, there were plenty of spirits going around!)  A fine time was had by all, and I look forward to many more evenings at the club.  (Hopefully soon, because I left my wallet in the men’s room!)

And speaking of grand events….  If you scroll down, you will notice that my upcoming radio interview with the amazing John Austin is scheduled for December 19th.  If you’re busy that day, you can listen to the podcast by going to the following website:   http://www.tantalk1340.com    Once you get there, just look for my name listed amongst the major literary figures of the 21st century.  (or in the side column)  The interview was fantastic in many ways, and even if you’ve read the book (and let’s face it, who hasn’t?) you will enjoy our conversation.

By the way, we also shared a marvelous evening with Loyd and Shelly Smith last week. We went to a place called the J5 Steakhouse in Spicewood.  Really good food.  If you haven’t tried this place, you should.  The steaks looked humongous, but I was forbidden to order one.  (cholesterol city)  Personally, I think becoming a vegetarian is a big “missed steak!”

On a brighter note, my psychiatrist says I’m doing much better.  (I am now allowed to sit up!)  I go to Dr. Melvin Handsoff, a semi-prominent fellow from Vienna.  When the doctor told me that I was delusional I nearly fell off my unicorn!  Okay, I’ll stop horsing around.

Before you stop laughing and depart, please scroll down to view a VERY famous photograph, taken at one of my recent history lectures.  This rare photo shows, in vivid detail, the enormous power of my words.  I am in the foreplay, I mean foreground, speaking about TURBULENT TIMES, and as you will see, I have the audience in the palm of my hand!  Eat your heart out, Edwin Booth!

Please take care, and we shall chat again in the near future.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

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HOLLYWOOD (NON) CONFIDENTIAL!

Well, my friends, the Winners and Finalists of the 6th Annual Beverly Hills Book Awards were announced on Friday, and guess what?  Among this year’s prize-winning authors was…..  (drum roll, please) ….. Stephen G. Yanoff, whose book, TURBULENT TIMES, won a Gold Medal for the “Best U.S. History Book of 2017.”

In addition to quality writing, the judges considered cover and interior design, promotional text, aesthetic components, and other factors that demonstrated outstanding presentation.  (Their words, not mine.)  There were several thousand books entered into this year’s contest, so the award is quite humbling.  If you would like to view the complete list of Winners and Finalists, you can go to:   http://www.beverlyhillsbookawards.com

TURBULENT TIMES has now won six prestigious literary awards, and according to my publisher, is destined to become a best-seller.  Book sales and recognition are great things, but the best part about writing is meeting other people and making new friends.  This month, for example, our blog added about 100 new followers, mainly in America, but also from 9 different countries in Europe.  At this pace, we might reach the 60,000 level this year, and that would be truly amazing.  (Considering how bad most of my jokes are!)

And speaking of bad jokes…..  Did you ever wonder if GOOGLE was male or female?  I think female.  Why?  Because GOOGLE doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion!  (I’m not trying to “press anybody’s buttons,” but you know I’m right.)  Please scroll down for another bad joke…..

Jerry Springer recently announced that he will NOT run for governor of Ohio next year.  He does not wish to be involved in politics, which he described as beneath his dignity.  The knucklehead has a point.  (other than the one on his head!)

Last night the wife and I ate dinner at Chez Nous Restaurant in Austin.  No more French food for me.  I ordered frog legs, and they had to rush to poor frog to the emergency room to stop the bleeding!  So get this, the frog drove himself to the hospital and parked in a handicap spot, but he still got….. toad away!  (Tell me that joke didn’t make you “jump for joy!”)

Can you believe that 60,000 people would want to subject themselves to these lame jokes?  I am starting to lose respect for my blog followers!  (Not really)  Besides, my wife writes most of my material, so blame her.  (Not really)  By the way, Patty is presently making gumbo, so I have to be nice to her.  (otherwise I will “roux the day!”)  I’m helping out, but I hate cutting up the onions.  I told the boss that onions are the only food that makes me cry.  (She told me that I was mistaken, and then dropped a coconut on my foot!  Damn if she wasn’t right!)

Well, I must return to the slave galley to complete with onion assignment.  You folks take care and have a marvelous week.  Love to all.

Your tearful comrade,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

THE LOVELY LADIES OF LAKEWAY!

Well, my week certainly began in a wonderful way, thanks to the Women’s Club of Greater Lakeway.  I just had the honor of speaking to these highly educated ladies about one of my favorite topics (No, not me, James A. Garfield!) and a fine time was had by all.  We had a full house at the beautiful Lakeway Spa and Resort, and we even managed to sell out of books!  (Two and half cases in 30 minutes!)  I had a lot of fun signing the books and meeting so many terrific ladies.

The Women’s Club officially began way back in the fall of 1985 with a charter membership of 51.  As the city of Lakeway grew, so did the membership, which now stands at …..  (drum roll, please) ….. over 500 members!  The club not only presents a full roster of fascinating speakers (such as myself) but also does TONS of charitable work for the community.

After my presentation, and a brief Q & A and book signing, Patty and I were invited to join the group for a lovely luncheon in the Vista Ballroom, overlooking Lake Travis, which now has plenty of water.  We had the privilege of sitting at the “President’s Table,” but I did not actually see or talk to Mr. Trump.  (They may have meant the president of the club.)  In any case, lunch was very good, and my history book (THE SECOND MOURNING) was the first “door prize” that was given out.  (The second door prize was an actual door, which was quite heavy!)

I would like to thank Sheila Niles (the new president of the “James A. Garfield Memorial Fan Club,” for decorating all of the tables with an assortment of “Garfield mementos” and some fascinating historical information.  Her hard work (and flower arrangements) were greatly appreciated, and her enthusiasm was simply contagious. (Would you like to guess what state she’s from?  Yep, the Buckeye state… Ohio!)

And while we are on the subject of “thank you,” I must also thank my dear friends in Lakeway for arranging and scheduling my speaking engagement…..  So here’s to you (with a tip of the hat) Shelley and Loyd Smith, and the lovely and talented Gloria Crosthwait!  And let’s not forget Ken Crosthwait, who is currently engrossed in a marvelous new history book, titled, TURBULENT TIMES!  (Those folks in Lakeway have such good literary taste!)

Did I ever mention that the word “plethora” means a lot to me?

So what else is new?  Well, believe it or not, I have been invited back to do another radio interview with the amazing Jack Drucker (the host of America’s most prominent talk show) on WTAN in Tampa, Florida.  The interview will be taped on December 13th and aired in its entirety on December 19th.  Jack and I will be discussing (and answering some deep questions) about William H. Seward, the subject of my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES.  I will provide some more details at a later date, and you might be the one to win a pair of airline tickets to watch the program live in Florida!  (So keep tuned, as they say!)

I do hope that each and every one of my loyal blog followers had a joyous Thanksgiving.  We had a great feast (except for the bowl of kale that someone brought.)  Personally, I prefer my kale with a silent “k,” if you know what I mean!

Well, time to do some babysitting, so I must take my leave of thee.  Please remember to take every bad day with a grain of salt.  (And by the way, this works much better if the salt is on a margarita!)  Adios amigos and amigettes.  Speak to you next Sunday…  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff