Not to be confused with Dallas, Texas, which is where I am composing this (semi) humorous blog. (Despite the writer’s strike out in La-La Land.) I traveled up yonder for a book signing and cocktail party, and all went well until I was driving back to my hotel. I got pulled over by a female police officer who told me that I was staggering. Apparently I told her that she was also cute. Good thing I ducked. Which reminds me, never order duck at a cocktail party. (You might get stuck with the bill!) Was that a “foul” joke?
I was actually quite sober this past weekend, as I have begun my spring health initiative. Believe it or not, I’ve actually begun to exercise. My doctor told me that walking on a treadmill could add years to my life. The old boy was right. (I feel ten years older already!) Nevertheless, I intend to stick with the program until I lose ten pounds or forget where I put my sneakers.
As you might remember, I recently mailed in my 2022 Tax Return, and I’m proud to report that the I.R.S. has nominated my return for a “Creative Embellishment Award” under the outstanding fiction category. The award comes with a pen that has a lifetime guarantee. (It’s called Sing-Sing!) I don’t care. If I go to prison, I’ll just write a soap opera. Would you like to hear a couple of “bars?” (Hey, there aren’t many good jail jokes.) Anyway, my lawyer, Shifty Sakowitz, says I have nothing to fear. Supposedly, they don’t put many Jewish people in jail. (Because they eat lox. Get it, locks?) God, these jokes are awful!
For those of you who do not read the “society column,” I’d like to mention that our gala birthday dinner (held in honor of Baron Lee and his lovely paramour, the Princess of Portugal) was a smashing success. (meaning that most of the guests were smashed!) We were joined by Mr. Ron Balderach, a prominent and talented architect/builder from San Marcos, and his charming and witty wife, Countess Terri. (We mingle with a lot of royalty, but we still weren’t invited to the recent coronation. Go figure.) I didn’t watch the proceedings, but I did toast Charlie with a couple of glasses of Royal Crown, which was fitting.
Incidentally, the Baron and Princess will soon be off to Scandinavia, but I’m not the wee bit jealous. I will soon be heading for the IKEA store in Round Rock, which is almost the same thing. Maybe better. After all, they don’t have Round Rock Donuts in Norway or Sweden. (I checked) I do hope they have fun. The last time I travelled to that part of the world, I met a great Dane. (No dog jokes, please!) We were also served grilled reindeer in Finland, but I didn’t “Finnish” my meal. (The antlers got stuck in my throat.)
Sales of my new mystery novel, DEAD ENDING, have been marvelous, and so have the reviews. (especially the ones that I wrote.) Those pesky folks from Netflix are anxious to get their greedy little hands on my books, but I don’t expect to hear from them until the Hollywood writer’s strike ends. (Hopefully, the strike will last a couple of years, but I’m not overly optimistic.) In case you’re wondering how much I value the Hollywood connection, and especially television, I would refer you to Newton Minow, recently departed, who was once the Chairman of the Federal Communications Commission. Mr. Minow (who was little fish in a big pond, or shall I say, sewer) was the fellow who describe television as a “vast wasteland.” Amen, Newt.
Some folks have inquired about my next outing, which will be in the lovely month of June. My budget-conscious publicist, Marvin “Wrong-Way” Rabinowitz, has arranged for me and my entourage to spend a week or so in Maui, Hawaii. I’ve been there before (at my youngest daughter’s wedding!) and fell madly in love with the place, so I am quite anxious to dip my toes in the Pacific Ocean again. I will be doing some book stuff, consuming a vast amount of Mai Tai cocktails, and swimming, so I expect to return tan and relaxed. (unless we encounter some volcano trouble, in which case, I shall return red and stiff!)
I inadvertently forgot to include some photographs of the Mayan Dude Ranch last week, so if you scroll down, you will find some photos of the cute little cowgirls that we shared a cabin with. (My grand-daughters, who we now refer to as “Galloping Goldie” and “Fearless Fiona.”)
Here’s hoping that you have a joyous and fun-filled week! Love to all,