HAPPY THANKSGIVING, 2017!

Man, do I have a lot to be thankful for this year.  Aside from all the book awards, I am very thankful that I don’t live in Hollywood or Washington, D.C.!  Bad time to be an actor or a politician.  (Wait, that might be an oxymoron!)  I used to think that an oxymoron was a dumb cow.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, we were talking about sexual harassment.  (To be quite honest, at a certain age, ALL sex is a form of harassment!)

Anyway, in order to avoid any trouble during our Thanksgiving feast, we have decided to BAN the use of certain words.  For instance, nobody at the table can request a BREAST, a THIGH, or a LEG.  (Too suggestive)  Also, we have forbidden the word CHESTNUT.  (Too graphic)  How’s that for pilgrim’s progress?

If you want to stay out of trouble this year, then stay out of COSTCO.  They were offering fruit samples yesterday, and a pretty young lady asked me if I wanted to try some raisins.  I told her that I preferred a date.  She called the dang manager!  Thank goodness I didn’t squeeze her melons.  (I’m married, so I cantaloupe!)

I don’t have any chick problems at home, mainly because I am such a progressive fellow.  (They have the best insurance rates.)  In my house, I mean my wife’s house, we split the chores evenly.  Patty does the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, and some minor roof repairs.  I handle security.  (If someone breaks into our house, I’m supposed to nudge Patty out of bed (gingerly) and ask her to check the perimeter for armed intruders.)  Sounds fair to me, but I do think she could do some weeding in the spring.

Even though I am the prefect husband, I do make mistakes.  (One per decade)  This morning, my wife woke up with a sore back.  (No, not because of that!)  I asked her if she wanted a hot pad, and she got angry.  She thought I said “hot pat,” which I did not say.  (I even told her that she was already a “hot Pat.”)  Luckily I did not mention Ben Gay.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!)

So what else is new?  Well, my business mentor, the genius who taught me almost everything I know about high risk insurance, has finally retired.  Tom Mannion, who I consider an (older) brother, just stepped out of the fray and will soon be moving to sunny West Florida.  Next to my own father, Tom was the most brilliant insurance executive I’ve ever known, and I am deeply in his debt.  (Poor Tom had to teach me the insurance racket, which wasn’t easy!)  Keep in mind that there would be no “Adam Gold books” without Tom’s guidance and support, since each book is based upon an actual insurance claim.  My best wishes to Tom, and his lovely wife, Joanne, and I hope they enjoy their well-earned retirement.

Incidentally, with the holiday season fast approaching, don’t forget that you can now order the complete set of Adam Gold mysteries on Amazon.com  These books make wonderful gifts, and since the royalties are going to charity, you will be doing a very good deed … two times!  Naturally this will increase the odds of getting into heaven later on, so don’t delay!  Do something angelic!

Finally, I would like to congratulate my handsome and talented brother-in-law, Mr. Tim McCloskey, who recently became engaged to a woman of the female persuasion.  (A very lovely woman, I might add!)  Our very best wishes to Tim and his future bride, Donna.  You crazy kids will have a great life together, and we look forward to attending your wedding.  (Do I have to bring a gift?  I did refer to Tim as handsome and talented.  Shouldn’t that count for something?)  Just saying.

Well, time to make the catnip, I mean parsnip casserole.  I want to wish each and every one of you a wonderful and joyous Thanksgiving!  What a true blessing it is to live in America and share this special day with family and friends.  Here’s hoping that you and yours have a marvelous time together!  God bless, and love to all!

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

 

SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES ME! (PART 2)

Do you folks remember that movie?  (Somebody Up There Likes Me.)  It was produced way back in 1956 (many years before I was born) and starred the great Paul Newman.  The movie was actually a biopic, based upon the life and career of the legendary boxer, Rocky Graziano.  (Yes, there really was a Rocky!)  I enjoyed the movie because I did a little boxing in high school.  Well, actually, I worked in the wrapping department at Macy’s, but we did use a lot of boxes.  I didn’t care for boxing, but I could certainly take a punch.  In fact, I took the punch at my high school prom, but that’s another story.  In any case, my best rounds were at Trees Lounge, a local watering hole in Valley Stream, Long Island.  So why the above title?

Well….  believe it or not, my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES was just chosen as a FINALIST for best U.S. History Book of the Year in the 2017 BEST BOOK AWARDS CONTEST!  The 14th annual contest attracted over 2,000 entries from mainstream publishers, including McGraw-Hill, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, ST. Martin’s Press, Penguin Random House, and the Hachette Book Group.  A number of Pulitzer Prize winners were also represented in the contest, and before you ask, I DID NOT bribe any of the judges.  (Although I did offer some “walking around money.”)  Seriously, though, this was a great honor, and I thank the man upstairs for looking out for me!

Speaking of great honors, I had the honor and privilege of attending a Mass of the Resurrection for Mr. Lee David Cutrone yesterday.  As you know, yesterday was Veteran’s Day, the day we honor all of the brave men and women who have proudly worn our nation’s military uniform.  Lee was a remarkable man, and in addition to being a wonderful husband and father, he was also a veteran of the U.S. Army.  He served with distinction from 1970-1974, achieving the rank of 1st Lieutenant in Military Intelligence.  And since I mentioned “the man upstairs,” listen to this:  As Lee was being interred, two ARMY helicopters randomly flying back to their base, flew DIRECTLY overhead!  This was not pre-arranged, but in my view, a salute from you-know-who!  So, to Lee, and all you other vets out there, thank you for your service, and may God bless you, too!

By the way, many of my blog followers have asked about my Uncle Heshy, who served with extinction in the Army AirCorps during World War Two.  I say extinction, because he shot down three foreign aircraft during the opening hours of the war!  Unfortunately, two of the planes were British, and the third was a blimp from France.  Nevertheless, they were shot down, which should count for something. (Besides the court-martial and 10-year prison term.)  We are still proud of my uncle, who, after his release, became a pilot for Malaysian Airlines.

So what else is new?  I did not sleep well last night.  My wife woke me up in the middle of the night and told me that there was a crazy man in the house!  Luckily, it was me.  Women.  What are you gonna do.

Just a reminder, on November 27th, I will be giving a speech about my first history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, in Lakeway, Texas.  After my verbal performance, I will be signing books, so bring plenty of cash.  Just kidding about the cash, bring a credit card!  I will publish more details about the event at a later date, but I believe that you need to be a member of the sponsoring group in order to attend.  Still, if you are so inclined, you can now purchase all of my mystery and history books at Amazon.com   (They make wonderful holiday gifts, and ALL royalties will be donated to the victims of the recent hurricanes!)

Well, I am off to the nursery once again.  (No, I didn’t have another child!)  I am babysitting once more, attending to my two beautiful grand-daughters, Goldie and Fiona.  I shall attempt to post a photograph of these two ladies, dressed as you can see, in their Halloween costumes.  (At least I think they’re costumes, you never know with this generation!)  Have a safe and glorious week, love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

HELP! THE PARANOIDS ARE AFTER ME!

I spotted this sign during the World Series, which thankfully, the Houston Astros won.  After going through Hurricane Harvey, the city needed some good news, and right on cue, the man upstairs delivered.  (No, not George Steinbrenner, the OTHER boss!)  Way to go, Houston!

Well, Ethel Merman was right, there’s no business like show business.  (Human trafficking comes close!)  Another day, another harassment scandal.  If those Hollywood clowns were married they wouldn’t have to think about romance or sex.  Whenever I get frisky, my wife says, “Don’t even think about it!”  Luckily for me, she has a great meatloaf recipe.  (Shows where my priorities are!)

Did you know that Marcel Marceau was invited to the Oscar Ceremony but not allowed to perform?  If you ask me, a mime is a terrible thing to waste!

I think we can all agree that America has sex on the brain, and if you’ve renewed your driver’s license lately you know what I mean.  I was shocked, shocked I say, by all of the sexually suggestive road signs that I had to identify on the written test.  Think about those signs:  “Yield”  “Stop”  “One Way”  “No U-Turn”  “No Passing On Shoulder”  and my personal favorite, “Slippery When Wet!”  The girl sitting next to me asked me for a cigarette after she took the test!  (I just hope she doesn’t get pregnant!)

The driving test was even more erotic.  My instructor (a hot babe) asked if I was ready to go parking!  I told her that I was married, but she insisted that we drive to a deserted street, and when we got there, she asked if I was ready to pull into a tight spot!  I told her that I wasn’t born yesterday.  (Which should have been obvious)  Anyway, I got a passing grade, but I’m still calling Gloria All-Dread.

So what else is new?  America’s favorite mystery writer (me) will be buzzing around the Texas Book Festival this weekend, so if you’re in Austin, give me a call and I’ll be happy to autograph some books for you or your significant others.  (The book is free, but I charge $19.95 for the autograph!)  By the way, don’t forget about Daylight Savings Time.  Remember to “fall backward” and “spring ahead,” or something like that.  When you wake up on Sunday, it will actually be Monday, (I think) and you will have to go to work.  Fortunately, I don’t have a job, so none of this concerns me.

You know, at my age, I finally realize that I don’t need fun to have alcohol.  What a blessing.

Incidentally, my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES (The Remarkable Life of William H. Seward) has been chosen as a “Finalist” in two more prominent book contests, but alas, I am not at liberty to mention the names of the contests until the list becomes public.  These two prestigious contests offer gold, silver, and bronze medals (and a sizable check), so keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.  And thanks again for all of your continued support!

In closing, I am proud to announce that my two-year-old granddaughter, Goldie Delilah, recently graduated (with honors) from the Texas A & M School of Infantile Veterinarian Medicine.  (A scholastic program for children and immature adults.)  I have taken the liberty of posting a few photographs that were taken at her graduation ceremony.  Needless to say, we are very proud of little Goldie.

Have a safe and joyful week, and love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

BACK FROM THE BRINK!

Yes, dear friends, those rumors about my demise were greatly exaggerated.  Somehow, I managed to survive my last road trip/book tour, which was supposed to include stops in Houston, Boca Raton, and San Juan.  (Which were the precise locations where Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, and Maria made landfall!)  Not only did I dodge the bullet (s), but I immediately fired my booking agent, the (dis)honorable Cliff (Hanger) Hirshkovitz.  Cliff has been replaced by the lovely and talented Amelia (Air Head) Earhartz.  She is quite a gal, and was able to arrange a rare book signing for me in a place called Chernobyl.

I was a little worried about the nuclear radiation, but Amelia assured me that all is well around the plant.  She has been there before, and she can count on one hand the nine times that she’s heard all the silly warnings.  I’m not “Russian” to get there, but Chernobyl is a great place to sell books.  (Almost no living competition)

Speaking of selling books, don’t forget that the Texas Book Festival is coming up in early November.  Last year’s best-selling mysteries included three of the “Adam Gold Mysteries,” THE GRACELAND GANG, DEVIL’S COVE, and RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  Hundreds of non-fictions books were also sold to my (semi) adoring fans, and this year, both award-winning history books will be available!  (THE SECOND MOURNING and TURBULENT TIMES.)  If you need an autographed copy for the upcoming holidays, just drop me an email @ stephen.yanoff@gmail.com

So what else be new?  Well, last week’s OctoberFest (sponsored by Max and Barbara Talbott) was a HUGE success.  Lots and lots of good German beer, and from what I remember, some great sausages.  (Max forced me to drink a couple of “monster steins” with him.  I referred to them as “Franken-Steins!”)  In any case, we all had a great time down at the Austin Club, and if we are ever allowed to return (which is questionable after Barbara’s German Chocolate Cake Dance) I’m sure it will be just as wonderful.

And since we are on the subject of great fall parties, I should like to publicly thank Judge Susan Marquess (the infamous “hanging judge” of Steiner Ranch) for hosting a lovely dinner party at her villa two weeks ago.  A fine time was had by all, and I intend to return my fork and knife in the very near future.  Hey, come to think of it, do you think they make beer steins in Steiner Ranch??   Just saying.

I’ve been working (feverishly) on my new Adam Gold mystery, tentatively titled, CAPONE ISLAND, and have about 200 pages ready to go.  Hopefully, I should be finished with this one sometime in the early part of 2018.  I’ve got a lot of energy, but some days I feel as useless as the “G” in lasagna.  Just the other day I realized that I wasn’t making a lot of friends at work, and then I remember that I don’t have a job.  Whew, what a relief that was!

Not to be political, but I just heard a CNN anchor ask Hillary Clinton if her husband’s behavior was as bad as Harvey Weinstein’s.  Her answer surprised me.  She said, “Close, but no cigar.”  (ouch!)

In closing, I would like to remind all of my loyal blog followers that now would be a lovely time to purchase a book.  All royalties from all of my books, for the remainder of the year, will be donated to the charities supporting the victims of Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, and Maria.  And also the victims of the recent California wildfires.  Thus, this would be a marvelous time to purchase a literary present for someone you adore.  (I already have the books, so don’t send one to me!)

Well, darlings, I must leave you, as it is time to change baby Fiona’s diaper.  (What an exciting life I lead!)  I love my new grand-daughter, but she leaks more than a Washington bureaucrat!  (and produces the same amount of you-know-what!)  You folks take care, and we shall chat again in the near future…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

50,000 FANS CAN’T BE WRONG!

I know what you’re thinking, but the above blog title does NOT refer to the NFL, the Anthem, or the Pledge of Allegiance!  Nay, I am referring to the fact that our little blog has reached a new milestone.  (Which is less painful than a kidney stone.  And different from a Gaul Stone, which you get from eating French food.)  So, what is this magical mysterious milestone to which I allude?  Well, as of yesterday afternoon, we now have 50,000 blog followers on this (semi) hysterical website!  Yep, we recently enrolled number 50,000, and that honor went to Mr. James McCullum of Sarasota, Florida.  Mr. McCullum and his wife will now receive a free weekend, courtesy of my generous publisher, at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas.  (Always a “sure bet” to please!)  My sincere thanks to ALL of my devoted followers, who in my humble opinion, are the BEST!

By the way, a few of you keen-eyed folks might have seen the above blog title and thought of something else….  Do you remember Elvis Presley’s amazing 1959 record album, “50,000,000 Fans Can’t Be Wrong?”  The album was released by RCA Victor, and if you go to the Elvis Presley Center in Tupelo, Mississippi, you will notice that it is prominently displayed in the gift shop…..  right across from the book section, which prominently features my very first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG!  (If you’re running short of funds, just buy the book.)

Speaking of books, my radio interview with the incredible Jack Drucker has been postponed until mid to late October, due to Hurricane Irma.  The old gal swept into the Tampa area with destruction on her mind, so the radio station needs to undergo  some repairs before they start broadcasting again.  I will keep you informed of the new broadcast date, which will feature a lengthy interview about my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES.

NOW FOR SOME REALLY IMPORTANT NEWS!  I have another new blog follower!  A young lady named Fiona Ivy Zell.  The cute little dear was born last Monday, September 25, at 10:49 p.m.  (She was published by my oldest daughter, Rachel, and her co-publisher, Adam Zell.)  At birth, Fiona weighed close to seven pounds, which is probably going to be the least she ever weighs again.  Her length was measured at 21 inches, but she is expected to grow quickly.  She is in perfect condition, but has not yet begun to talk.  What’s up with that?  (Definitely not a Yanoff!)  In any case, we are delighted by Rachel and Adam’s new tax deduction, and look forward to spoiling her rotten!

By the way, please remember that Halloween is fast approaching, and that this year’s most popular costume (believe it or not) is a mask of William Henry Seward!  If you can’t find a mask, you can simply buy one of my books and attach a large rubber band to the front cover.  Your children will adore it, and their teachers will be very impressed.  If you have more than one child, you can buy a copy of THE SECOND MOURNING, which features a “potential mask” of James A. Garfield.  I urge you to be creative and forget about the ghosts, ghouls, and witches.

Incidentally, why can’t ghosts have children?  (Because they have “hallow weenies!”)  All right, that was a terrible joke, but it seemed funny at the time.  If you don’t get the punch line, drop me a note.  Speaking of weenies, I see that Hugh Hefner passed away.  Poor guy is now a stiff.  (Too easy!)  I always wanted to marry a Playmate, but that didn’t happen.  (My wife once posed for Popular Mechanics, but that’s a long story.)

Well, I have to mosey on down to Target for some baby formula, so you folks take care and we’ll meet again next Sunday or the Sunday after that.  By the way, if you see a photo of me in a raincoat, don’t worry.  It’s not raining here in Texas.  I am wearing a coat because baby Fiona leaks from a number of orifices, and I’m not sure exactly what the little darling is leaking.  (Better safe than sorry!)

Love to all, and as we say in Austin, “Goo Goo Gaga!”

Doc Yanoff

 

 

GONE WITH THE WIND!

Frankly, my dear, I think we need another dam!  Oy vey, did we get a lot of rain from Hurricane Harvey.  Somewhere around 27 TRILLION gallons of water fell on Texas, most of it on Houston.  That’s a lot of water.  Enough to provide 2 or 3 baths for Rosie O’Donnell.  Harvey also destroyed my brother-in-law’s vacation home in lovely Rockport.  Luckily, he and his wife had a place in Houston that was not affected by the rain or flooding.  Most of the Texas coast is still cleaning up, but as Mother Nature will soon learn, you don’t mess with Texas.  The re-bulding has already begun!

Miss Irma (another blow-hard) ruined my planned book tour to Naples, Florida, but I’m not complaining.  My new publicist, Jelly Roll Rabinowitz, has already put together a marvelous outing scheduled for January, 2018.  (Subject to those other 3 hurricanes not showing up in Florida!)  On this outing, we shall be going to the Cayman Islands, Belize, Honduras, and Guatemala!  When we get to Guatemala, we will be going to a school where I will be giving out some free books and signing autographs for the locals.  I really love this sort of good deed, and I am really looking forward to this stop.

Speaking of fun events, the great radio host, Jack Drucker, will be re-airing the entire interview we did for the release of DEVIL’S COVE on Tuesday, September 19th.  (Around noon, E.S.T.)  As you might recall, Jack works at WTAN in Clearwater, Florida, and his show is one of the top-rated programs in the nation.  If you want to hear the interview, simply tune into “Tan Talk,” 1340 AM or 1o6.1 FM.  I think you will be pleasantly surprised with our chatter.

Incidentally, since we are on the subject of radio interviews, Jack will also be interviewing me sometime in November.  We plan to have a lively full-length discussion about my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES.  There will be a Q & A after our initial discussion, so if you want to call the station and give me a hard time, now’s your chance!  (Please don’t claim to be one of my previous lovers unless you are a female!)

And speaking of wonderful females…..  I would like to thank Miss Gina Sigmong for sending me a VERY interesting DVD about the amazing folks of Hickory, North Carolina, and how they battled the dreaded childhood disease of polio back in the fifties.  Talk about character and grit!  Those folks were simply incredible and represent the best part of being an American citizen.  Truly inspirational!

I would also like to thank Max and Barbara Talbott for renewing my subscription of Garden & Gun Magazine!  In my humble opinion, this is the BEST magazine in America, and absolutely invaluable to a country boy like me.  My birthplace, Nashville, Tennessee, is actually featured in this month’s issue.  (They were praised for their outstanding cuisine, which is well-deserved!)

JUST A REMINDER…..   Keep in mind that ALL book royalties (for the rest of the year) will be donated to the hurricane victims, so if you are thinking about a purchase, now’s the time to act.  Let’s face it, you can’t take it (money) with you, so why not spend it on a good cause?  What is money, anyway?  Well, I’m glad you asked …..

We call it “paper money,” but our bills are actually a blend of cotton and linen.  The unfinished pyramid represents our “unfinished democracy.”  The eagle was chosen because of its courage and intelligence.  If you’re the superstitious type, you’ll be happy to know that the number 13 is well represented on our bills, too.  How so?  Well, there are 13 stars in the seal (representing the 13 colonies), there are 13 steps on the pyramid, the olive branch has 13 leaves, the are 13 arrows in the eagle’s talon, there are 13 stars above the eagle’s head, and …..  there are 13 letters in “E PLURIBUS UNUM!”

If any of this information troubles you, please send me all of your unlucky dollar bills and I will dispose of them properly.  Yeah, I know, they don’t make guys like me anymore!  Take care, my friends, and we shall chat again soon!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

BIG DOINGS IN DENVER!

Greetings from the Mile-High City, where the winners of the 23 ANNUAL CIPA BOOK AWARDS were recently announced.  The CIPA Awards are recognized as one of the most prestigious literary contests in the nation, and the contest attracts over 8,000 entries from around the globe.  Generally speaking, prizes are awarded for the books that best demonstrate story, character, content, and production values.  Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals are awarded to the top 3 books in each category.

It gives me great pleasure to announce that my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES (The Remarkable Life of William H. Seward) has won the BRONZE medal for “The Third Best U.S. History Book of 2017.”  This is truly a great honor, and I am very appreciative.  The competition was fierce, and there were many great books submitted, so I am really thankful for the recognition.

The awards ceremony featured some wonderful speakers and a gala banquet, and helped raise money for CIPA’s nonprofit charitable foundation whose purpose is to facilitate and support child and adult literacy and education.  A very worthwhile cause!

Speaking of worthwhile causes…..  As you know, Houston was battered by Hurricane Harvey, and the city’s residents are now in need of some serious funding.  In order to help out, I have made a special arrangement with my publisher, and I am happy to announce that from now to the end of the year, ALL royalties generated from ALL of my books, will be donated to the various charities supporting the good people of Houston.  This includes ALL of my mystery novels, and my two award-winning history books!  So….  if you haven’t bought a book yet, now is the time to act!  I can personally assure you that your purchase will facilitate your entrance into heaven at a (much) later date!   (I have friends in VERY high places!)

And speaking of “high places,” (other than Denver, where marijuana is legal) one my old high school friends, now residing in Florida, Steven Mairano, is close to completing his first movie!  The movie is titled, HOME STRETCH, and it is a comedy about a poor fellow who is forced into the “dating scene” after 40 years of marriage.  Steven hopes to end filming on a “high note,” so if you would like to help him finance his labor of love, you may contact him at:  wattaguy42@hotmail.com

So what’s the story with Kim Jong Un?  I just heard that he’s working on a Hydrangea Bomb!  (I guess this would make him a “petal pusher?”)  If you ask me, the poor lad suffers from “Projectile Dysfunction.”  In any case, we should just give him his own reality show and wish him well.  (In fact, he could link up with Kim Jong Kardashi-Un!)  Sum Ting Wong with that boy!

By the way, before I go, I would like to send my thoughts and prayers to two brave souls…  My brother-in-law, Mark McCloskey (and his wife Mayvic) who lost their lovely beach home in Rockport last week, and my friend, Tyler Marquess, whose house is in jeopardy because of the raging wildfire in California.  Hang in there, folks!  We are all pulling for you!  This too shall pass.

Well, let’s hope that Miss Irma stays away from the U.S. and decides to head out to sea next week.  Another hurricane would not be good at this time.  (or for that matter, any time.)  As some of you know, I went to college in Corpus Christi, Texas, and then spent many years fooling around with marine archaeology in Port Aransas and Rockport.  (My father-in-law owned a lot of land in that area)  I know the residents quite well, and I can assure you that they will be back on their feet in the very near future.  They are smart, resourceful, and tough as nails.  Trust me, you don’t mess with Texas!  God bless them all!

Y’all take care and we shall speak again soon.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Would you like to see what my Bronze Medal looks like?  Well, too bad, I’m posting it anyway!