THERE’S NO DEBATE!

Positano, Italy, has to be one the most beautiful spots on earth!  (Thought I was referring to the presidential candidates, didn’t you?)  Nope, Italy is much more interesting… and a lot more satisfying to look at.  Thus, at the end of today’s blog, I shall share a few of my newly developed photographs, exposing the Amalfi coast in all its glory!  (Don’t worry, I won’t be exposing myself.  I was asked to keep my clothes on, lest I scare the tourists!)

For those of you who do not subscribe to VARIETY, I was traveling abroad as part of a research trip, gathering information for the next “Adam Gold Mystery,” which is tentatively titled, CAPONE ISLAND.  (That would be “Capone” as in Al Capone, which is why we spent so much time in Sicily.)  Hence, all expenses were work related (and tax deductible) in accordance with the Federal Income Tax Code, Section 11, Paragraphs 4-34.  (At least that’s what my accountant, Jesse James Lipschitz told me.)

Come to think of it, maybe I shouldn’t be talking about paying federal income tax and Al Capone at the same time.  (Eliot Ness and the Untouchables busted Big Al for not paying his taxes!)  Personally, I think the deck was “stacked” against Capone.  (That would be “Stack” as in Robert Stack.)  If you didn’t get that last joke, you must be under 6o years of age!

Anyway, one of the reasons for today’s “Italiano” theme is because all of my books are now available in Italian!  My publisher recently informed me that there was a huge demand for my writing in Rome, Capri, Sorrento, Positano, and throughout Sicily.  (Which, coincidentally, are the exact places where I left advertising flyers in the mens room!)  See, my friends, it does pay to advertise.

The mystery novels have also been published in…  (get ready for this)  12 other foreign languages!  In all seriousness, this is a wonderful development, as foreign sales make up a large portion of a writer’s market.  I am most thrilled about the books being available in Spanish, French, German, and Chinese.  (These markets have a lot of readers who love anything “American.”)  Who knows, maybe I’ll be invited to a few book clubs in Barcelona, Paris, Berlin, or Peking.  (I love ordering Peking Duck, but I always get stuck with “the bill!”)  Ouch, that was really a “foul” joke!

Before I depart (big tailgate party down in Austin tonight) I would like to send my best regards to the Princess of Portugal and her financially drained husband, Baron Lee.  My dearest royal friends are vacationing (again) and this time they find themselves and their entourage in…..  Positano, Italy!  (dang copycats!)  Ah well, I’m just jealous.  Have fun and drink some Chianti for me!

I hope you enjoy the photos, and if you’ve been to this area, write to me and I will share your tales on next week’s blog.  (Send nude and semi-nude photos in a brown paper bag.)  Have a safe and happy week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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TIP A CANOE AND YANOFF TOO!

Actually, it’s “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too,” but that was then (1841) and this is now!  Besides, we don’t need another President Tyler,  (otherwise we would ask Steven Tyler to run) we need a man of the people!  A man who is semi-trustworthy!  A man with too much free time!  We need…  ME!   So, my fellow Americans, I have decided to run for President!  And why not?  Trump is running.  Clinton is running.  My refrigerator is running.  Even my nose is running.  (allergies)  Verily, I ask that you carefully read my first stump speech (I just cut down a tree) and cast your vote for me in the November contest!  Are you ready?  Well, here goes nothing…..

“Fellow citizens, these are the times that men try sole, I mean, that try men’s souls.  Therefore, I would like to shed some light on the SALUBRIOUS backgrounds of my opponents.  In response to an IMPUDENT question, Mr. Trump recently acknowledged that he was, in fact, a HOMO SAPIEN.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)  Furthermore, he confessed to engaging in HETEROSEXUAL behavior!  Just as revolting, if not more so, is Mrs. Clinton, who has frequently engaged in SOCIAL INTERCOURSE, often at dinner parties, surrounded by her admirers!  I know this is hard to believe, but Mr. Trump was seen MASTICATING at a crowded REVELRY!  Later that evening, according to CNBC, Trump began to EXPOUND on one of his pet projects!  Sadly, he then began to GESTICULATE before a group of Girl Scouts.  Supposedly, he offered to have a PLATONIC relationship with their leader.  I hate to say it, but the man has become a PROPRIETOR!  And what about Mrs. Clinton?  Did you know that she was once a PROSELYTE?  My God, the woman actually wrote a pamphlet about religious SECTS!  I understand that her PIETY has led to a MONOGAMOUS relationship and NUPTIAL bliss!  Rumors abound that Hillary wanted to be a THESPIAN (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) and that she was willing to perform in front of a paying customers!  Finally, I would remind you that both of my opponents enrolled in college and MATRICULATED on a daily basis!  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)   I’m no saint, but I hear that my opponents tried to EMULATE one of the professors on campus, and for that they should both be CASTIGATED!

Ladies and gentlemen, I know you must be shocked by these BANAL and MUNDANE accusations, but I can assure you that all of my statements have been completely FABRICATED and are thoroughly FATUOUS.

I thank you for your APATHY and indifference, and remind you to vote early and vote often!

God Bless America, and God help us if I actually win.”

 

Those of you who wish to support my idiocy, I mean candidacy, are encouraged to send cash (no checks, please) to me ASAP.  Any amount is welcome.  (Just fold your donation in half and stuff it in a brown envelope.)  Next week, God willing, I will lay out my entire platform.  Until then, take care and send me some loot!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES ME!

Do you remember that wonderful movie?  It was based upon the true story of the real Rocky…  the great Rocky Graziano.  First released in 1956, it is considered to be one of Paul Newman’s best performances.  The first person who can tell me who played the part of “Fidel,” will win an autographed copy of my newest mystery,  A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  Good luck!

The reason I mentioned this movie is because I too seem to be blessed.  How so, you ask?  Well, believe it or not, I just won another book award, and this one was totally unexpected.  I was recently informed that my first history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has been chosen as one of the best non-fiction books of the year by BOOKSANDAUTHORS.COM.  These folks publish an online magazine for book lovers, which includes book reviews, author interviews, publishing news, book contests, and much more.

The “Book of the Year” awards are chosen by an elite panel of publishing professionals who “seek out literary gems from both established writers and first time authors, novels that whisk the reader to unfamiliar times and places, thrillers that are more than just “page-turners,” and thought provoking non-fiction that entertains as it informs.”  (How are all these words going to fit on my trophy?)

I might have to go to Chicago to receive my award in person, so if anyone out there has an extra bullet-proof vest and a high-capacity rifle that I can borrow, I would be very appreciative.  (Even more appreciative if I survive the trip!)  On second thought, maybe I could send my wife, or my new publicist, Blind Lemon Jefferson.  (Hey, somebody has to go!)

Speaking of trips, I had the pleasure of speaking to a charming book club in Blanco last week.  Blanco (which is the Spanish word for “Blanco”) is a small town in the heart of the Texas Hill Country.  The Old County Courthouse in town served as a set for the 2010 version of the film “True Grit.”  (The Redbud Cafe served hot grits.)  If you like museums, you can visit the Buggy Barn Museum.  I skipped this one, but only because I hate bugs.   ( I can’t imagine why anyone would want to keep insects in a barn. )  Oh wait, they might be referring to horse-drawn buggies.  Never mind.

If you like barbecue, you might want to try the Old 300 BBQ Restaurant.  (Which takes its name from the original 300 settlers that Stephen F. Austin brought to Texas, NOT the cost of a meal.)  Personally, I would skip the food and head on over to Real Ale Brewing, where one might consume a craft beer or two before heading back to Austin.

Incidentally, our book tour to enchanting New Mexico (and Durango, Colorado) has been postponed until the spring of 2017, so if you live in those areas, I hope to see you then.  I will, of course, post our complete itinerary once it becomes available.  (I do need to wait until my publicist, Mr. Jefferson, completes rehab and pays a modest fine to the Republic of Slovenia.)  Don’t ask, long story.

Well, that’s about it for me.  I happen to be babysitting today, so I need to freshen up my margarita before sweet little Goldie wakes up from her nap.  I’m hoping to watch an old Gregory Peck movie when she awakes.  Have you ever seen “Tequila Mockingbird?”  Great movie, salty language, but you can rent one without salt.  You should give it a “shot!”    Have a great week!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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A “SOURCE” OF PRIDE!

Well, it took a while, but I have finally achieved (semi) immortality.  How so?  I have recently become an official…  (are you sitting down?) WIKIPEDIA REFERENCE!  Yes, yes, I know it’s hard to believe,   (considering my grades in high school) but I will now be on the World Wide Web until infirmity, I mean, eternity.  (or whichever comes first!)  Here’s the deal…

The next time some poor soul is doing research on “Charles J. Guiteau,”  the assassin who killed President James A. Garfield, they will be scrolling down the list of references until they come to…  #32.  A,B, & C.   Stephen G. Yanoff.  THE SECOND MOURNING.  page 398.    And then, as if that isn’t bad enough, they will come to another reference…  #34.  A & B.   Stephen G. Yanoff.  THE SECOND MOURNING.  pages 398-399.

So there you have it, I am now an “official” expert on something.  (Other than poker and tequila.)  About time, if you ask me!  I wonder what in the world am I going to do with all of the royalties?  Every time somebody looks up “Charles J. Guieau,” I get two or three cents.  (So you should look him up at least twice a day… if you want me to keep traveling in style.)  I wonder if there is some sort of WIKIPEDIA conference for references?  Maybe they meet at Noah Webster’s house for a crazy, fact-based weekend?  Jeez, the possibilities are endless!

Since we’re on the subject of self-promotion (again) please don’t forget to tune in to my next nation-wide radio interview.  (DETAILS:  Tuesday, August 23, 2016.  12 Noon E.T.  Streamed live via the Internet and available 24/7 by podcast at http://www.tantalk1340.com   (And on WTAN-AM 1340 in Tampa, Florida and KLRG-AM 88O in Little Rock, Arkansas.)

The host (John Austin) and I will be chatting about my new mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  (One of those fascinating “Adam Gold Mysteries.”)  This tale takes place in the Gullah community of South Carolina and Lexington, Kentucky.  The NYT called the book “another sign of Yanoff’s delightful use of history, geography, and clever writing.”  I must agree with them!

For those of you who have never been to the Low Country of South Carolina (south of Charleston) I shall attach some photographs of Beaufort, S.C. and St. Helena Island.  (Where some of the books takes place.)  This is the epicenter of Gullah culture, and a truly beautiful spot.  If you plan to visit, drop me a line and I will send you some hotel and restaurant recommendations.

Enjoy the photos and have a safe and prosperous week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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ARE YOU MAD ABOUT BOOKS?

Well, you know what they say, “don’t get mad, get Steven.”  (Stephen Yanoff, that is!)  If this sounds remotely enticing, then check out this month’s issue of BOOKMAD MAGAZINE (in print or online) and you will find a fascinating article about my favorite author.  (me)    You will also discover an intriguing interview and a (semi) literate discussion about my prize-winning history book, titled, THE SECOND MOURNING.

(I have attached a copy of the front cover for your viewing, and dart-throwing pleasure!)

And since we’re on the subject of books, please remember to order your copy of my newest “Adam Gold Mystery,” which is titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY.

Both books are currently available from Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and leading bookstores across the country.  If you would like more information about the magazine article, the books, or me, simply go to:   http://www.stephengyanoff.com

Thank you for your continued friendship and support!

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL!

Unless you need to turn to WTAN radio (1340 on your dial) in Tampa, Florida.   Why?  Because yours truly will soon be featured on the “American Authors’ Show,” a highly entertaining program hosted by the great Jack Drucker.  WTAN is known locally (in Pinellas County, Florida) as “Tan Talk,” and it is one of the most popular stations in the country.  (You can pick it up coast to coast)  On August 23, Mr. Drucker and I will be discussing my newest mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  Listeners can also call in during the interview, so if you’re one of them, please ask me a simple question!  (i.e., “What is the meaning of life?”)

I’m actually thrilled to be invited back to the program, as this show is just about the most popular radio show in the nation.  (Featuring authors, books, and upcoming television and film projects.)  They have a national following, which produces an enormous amount of publicity for a new book.  If you miss the interview, don’t worry, my entire “performance” will be available on a podcast shortly after the original program is heard.  (The podcast is free, but you should still send me a few thousand dollars to cover the cost of my trip to Florida.)

Speaking of Florida…..  I’m off (again) to the Sunshine State to conduct the above interview, sign some books, and visit some family and friends.  One more visit this year and I think I’ll be a legal resident of the state!  I guess I shouldn’t complain.  (WTAN might have been located in Arkansas… or Vermont!)  If you’re from those states, I’m just kidding.  I love razorbacks (whatever they are) and  simply adore maple syrup.  In fact, when I eat pork, I like to smother the meat with syrup.  (Anybody falling for this routine?)  If you can fake authenticity, you’ve got it made!

And since we’re on the subject of authenticity…  Do you believe that our beloved “Sesame Street” is now being produced on HBO?  Uh-oh, that could spell trouble.  (t-r-o-u-b-l-e)  HBO might try to offer a more accurate portrayal of the life of a mentally ill homeless cookie monster living in a trash can!  Yikes, what if they go nuts over there?  Imagine Bert and Ernie dealing with profanity, gritty realism, and graphic sex scenes.  (The kids should have to wait until they go to school to see that stuff!)

Several hundred blog followers (actually 5 people) have asked for a drop of information about the island of Malta, and its lovely capital of Valetta.  The city is quite fascinating, and contains buildings dating back to the 16th century, when the joint was ruled by the Knights of Malta.  (Valetta became a World Heritage Site in 1980.)  The island of Gozo is part of Malta, and is best known for scenic hills and gorgeous beaches.  (Gozo is one of the top scuba diving spots on earth.)  Gozo’s most prominent “claim to fame” is a magnificent stone arch known as The Azure Window.  A great dive spot on the western side of the island.  Hopefully, I shall post some photographs of this lovely place at the end of this blog.  With my limited abilities, you never know!

Finally, I have a small favor to ask…  If you’ve read my latest mystery, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, and you enjoyed the book, please leave a nice review on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, or Goodreads.  As I’ve mentioned before, good reviews produce more advertising dollars from the publisher, and in these tough economic times, every penny counts.  Your efforts will be greatly appreciated, and you will have a much better chance of getting into heaven later on.  (I know some people in VERY high places!)

Well, my dear friends, have a safe and superfluous week.  And be careful out there!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

*****   Naughty photos attached!  *****        (just kidding)

 

 

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ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY!

It just looks that way.  OMG what a wonderful, but confusing city!  One wrong turn and you’re lost forever.  Get this:  all of the street signs are written in Italian!  What’s up with that?  Our group did a LOT of walking, so we had to consume a copious amount of water and wine.  (Which means that “european” all day long!)  Fortunately I learned some key phrases, such as, “dove de toilet?”  Our favorite stop was the Coliseum and Roman Forum.  (Be advised that the Coliseum, for some strange reason, has no air-conditioning.)  I suggested enclosing the structure, but our guide had no (verbal) response.  She did, however, make an interesting hand gesture.

I will be attaching photographs of the Forum, which is where many lively debates were held by local politicians.  (You were either “forum” or “against ‘um”)  Two of the most famous emperors, Donaldo Trumpus and Hilarious Clinton have statues prominently displayed near the outdoor commodes.  (Draw your own conclusions on this one!)  Ah, the mystery of history!

So what else is new?  Well, I just read a study that stated that the average Japanese senior citizen has sex once a year.  The average American senior has sex seven times a year.  This study was shocking to me.  Frankly, I never knew that I was Japanese!

If you live in or near the city of Austin, check out this month’s issue of AUSTIN WAY MAGAZINE.  The front cover mentions a young lady named Rebecca Yanoff, who they refer to as “SOCO’S New Style Queen.”  (SOCO stands for “South Congress,” our main shopping thoroughfare.)  The enclosed article and photographs are lovely, but just between you and me, I hate it when my daughters get more publicity than me!  Jeez, don’t people read anymore?

Speaking of shopping…  somebody stole my wife’s American Express Card last month.  I haven’t reported it yet.  Whoever stole the card is spending less than my wife!  (My momma didn’t raise no fool!)

By the way, last night was a VERY special night in these parts.  Miss Helena, the Princess of Portugal, and her fabulously rich husband, Baron Lee, held a gala event at their mansion in Round Rock.  The guests (and a couple of party-crashers from Steiner Ranch) were treated to an assortment of fine wines and spirits.  The cuisine was simply superb… roasted potatoes, Corpus Christi cole slaw, braised asparagus, and….  (are you sitting down?) ….. grilled Maine lobster tails!  (Being something of a writer, I just love tails/tales!)

And since we are on the subject of tall tales, I would like to remind you to circle August 23 on your calendar.  On that day I shall once again be the featured guest on the Authors of America Radio Program.  I will be discussing my new mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, which is selling briskly and receiving some very nice reviews.  (I’m still waiting for my mother’s comments!)  I will, of course, post the exact time and stations as the date draws near.

Well, since I’ve dabbled into the high risk field of politics on this blog post, I shall leave you with the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln…   (WARNING:  I never get this quote exactly right) …..  “You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time.  And sometimes you can fool some people who are foolish at times, but you can’t be fooled all of the time no matter how many times you’re fooled.”     (You were warned!)

Frankly, my dear, I prefer the semi-immortal words of my former tax advisor,  Myron “My Mistake” Moskowitz, who once said, “You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time…  and those are pretty good odds!”  Myron recently received a pen with a life-time guaranty.  (Leavenworth Prison!)

Verily, I say unto thee, go forth and have yourselves a safe and joyful week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

***** Photographic evidence attached!

 

 

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