February 16, 2014

THE PIRATES OF PERCHANCE!

DO YOU REMEMBER THE WONDERFUL OPERA BY GILBERT AND SULLIVAN? (Actually, it was the “Pirates of Penzance,” but you get the point.) Did you know that Gilbert had a brother named Filbert? (The guys was a real “nut.”) Both brothers knew “the score” when it came to cruising… and here are some impertinent facts about my last voyage…..

Our ship averaged 15 knots per hour, but we never got tangled up. We traveled roughly 2,000 nautical miles. The captain kept a detailed log, but one of the crew threw it in a fireplace. (It must have been difficult carving all those details.) Our gross tonnage (not including the passengers from Arkansas) was 113,ooo tons. The ship’s draught was Guinness. Any more questions?

Now here’s the funny part… when we stepped ashore I was confronted by a reporter from the Houston Chronicle who wanted to know if I enjoyed my trip. I tried to restrain myself, but to no avail. So… I recited a funny bit of dialogue from a Marx Brothers film called “A Night at the Opera.” (Which was fitting, considering my previous mention of Gilbert & Sullivan!) Try to imagine me speaking in an Italian dialect, ala Chico Marx…..

“Sure, I’ll tell you about our trip. The first time-a we start-a, we get-a half way to Mexico when we run out of fuel and we gotta go back. Then we take-a twice as much-a fuel. This time we were just about to reach port, maybe three feet, when what do you think? We run out of fuel again. Then back we go again and get-a more fuel. This time we gotta plenty of gas. Wella we getta half way to Mexico… when what do you thinka happen? We forgota the ship!”

Since I delivered these lines with a straight-face, the reporter wasn’t sure if I was kidding or just crazy. Nonetheless, my fellow passengers were quite amused. (Homeland Security not so much.) What can I say?

The purpose of our voyage was to scout out possible film locations for the movie version of THE PIRATE PATH. We found some beautiful spots, drank some wonderful rum, ate like little piggies, and came home with a tattoo of a manatee on my knee. (Just kidding about that last part.) The best part? It was all tax deductible!

We met some terrific folks on this voyage, and we enjoyed reminiscing with complete strangers. Every time I think about the past it brings back memories. How did I get so deep? Never mind, I have to run. Tonight is the Annual Judge Susan Birthday Dinner & Lamb Swallowing Festival, hosted by the incomparable Max and Barbara Talbott, formerly of Muncie, Indiana. We are looking forward to another memorable evening of frivolity!

Have a wonderful week and please do not be concerned about my fading tan as you shovel snow from the sidewalk. Nobody ever said that writing was easy! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff, “The Original Globetrotter”

February 10, 2013

IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!

PLEASE NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS A GREAT DEAL OF EMBELLISHMENT AND EXAGGERATION. (Both of which fall under the purview of “Literary License.”)

WELL, IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT….. (Make that a hot and sunny day) whence our little ocean-going vessel limped along the Mosquito Coast of Central America, bound for the silver mines (tourist shops) of Cozumel, Mexico. Our intrepid captain, Lorenzo Ronzoni, (formerly of Costa Cruise Line) gave the order to drop anchor (sadly without checking that we were already tied to the pier) and then we went ashore, searching for the Lost City of Gold!

We arrived in Mexico after our “Bungle in the Jungle,” which saw one of our shipmates attacked and bitten by a hostile simian, not to be confused with an angry Syrian. The little monkey bit our compadre on the arm, and being a kind and gentle bunch of global-warming, rain-forest saving, nerds, we blew his head off. (Not our compadre’s head, the monkey’s head!) Just kidding. We are American citizens. We know what to do in these situations. (We immediately filed a ten million dollar lawsuit!)

After trekking through the jungles of Honduras, we snuck across the border and found ourselves in Belize. Unfortunately, the authorities also found us. Who knew you needed a passport to enter a foreign country? Anyway, we made our way to Belize City, and then realized that we had missed our dive and snorkel boat to the infamous “Blue Hole.” (Who knew they actually had a schedule?) I blamed my travel companions, and of course, they blamed me, so we returned to our “mother ship,” and consoled ourselves with a bucket of cold beer and more rum.

At this juncture, I might add that one of my companions was Judge Susan Marquess, of Austin, Texas. Her honor happens to be celebrating her 39th birthday today, so on behalf of our expeditionary group, I would like to wish her a very happy birthday. (Thank goodness we had a lawyer and judge in our party. We were able to post some very reasonable bonds throughout our voyage.)

Some bonds are broken, and so are some bones! I am happy to report that Barbara Talbott, the reigning poker champion of Honduras, only suffered a broken middle toe during her recent encounter with a Mayan pyramid. Funny how fast some folks can run when they think they are being chased by a jaguar. (Or a Mercedes.) The “Princess of Poker” (Her Mayan name) will be wearing a customized toe cast for six weeks, but after that, she will only have a slight limp for the rest of her natural life. (A small price to pay for such a wonderful jungle adventure!)

Incidentally, Dr. Max Talbott has fully recovered from a nasty bout of Somnus Maximus. (Sleeping Disease.) Apparently, the dreaded illness was NOT a result of an insect bite…. but the result of a prodigious consumption of Ten Cane Rum. Whew! For a while we thought he was a goner. Now that he has fully recovered (we think) I can tell you that we had already made final plans for the poor lad. (I contacted the very best taxidermist in Belize.) The idea was to stuff Max and put him on permanent display at the Blanton Museum in Austin. (Max loves being around art.)

You might be interested to know, that just like last year, I had an evening visit from one of the local terrorist groups in Mexico. Once again, I was forced to entertain a small band of masked baditos (or banditti, if you prefer) and as always, I was able to convince the poor outlaws that I had no denero. (Turns out they wanted Robert DeNiro, not money.) They were the first autograph hunter/banditos in the region. Odd group of outlaws, if you ask me. (One of them wore glasses and had his/her nose sticking out of the sheet slot which was slit in the sheet sort of south of the smiling section of the silky satin sleeping sack.) TRY SAYING THAT TEN TIMES IN A ROW!

For those of you who do not like tongue twisters, here are some facts about our recent voyage…… We traveled a total distance of 2,417 miles. (Mostly upon the water.) Our average ship speed was 18 knots. Our average walking speed was .005 miles per hour. Average nap time….. 64.8 minutes. Average consumption of alcohol and drugs (Codeine)….. undetermined.

Finally, I would like to thank all of the people who purchased a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT during the past two weeks. Your generosity has now made the book an INTERNATIONAL BEST SELLER. I can tell you that I actually saw my book in the ship’s library, and that many folks in Central America are now reading THE PRESLEY PLOT and are anxiously awaiting the release of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. (This includes many of the local citizens of Honduras, Belize, and Mexico, and a large number of jungle guerillas (NOT gorillas!) drug cartel members, federales, I.R.S. fugitives, and deposed dictators. (One cannot be too choosey about one’s readership.)

It will take a while to get this fantastic voyage out of my system (even with the antibiotics) so I will write again soon, whence I am fully recovered from my bout with pokus defeatus. (Poker losses.) Until then, it is wonderful to be home, back in the good old U.S.A. I missed clean water, indoor toilets, and well-behaved monkeys. (Our elected officials.) Take care, and they say in down south (far down south)….

Vaya con dios, no horda la Kaopectate!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff (Senor Jugador Malo)

P.S. A word to the wise…… NEVER play Texas Hold ‘Em (or MONOPOLY) with the Corpus Christi Crusher. Yeah, she’s that good!

January 20, 2013

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

REMEMBER THE ALAMO! REMEMBER THE MAINE! REMEMBER YOUR P.I.N. NUMBER! BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY….. REMEMBER THAT BOOK TITLE!!

Why, you might ask, should you remember a book title? Because…. this is the title (without the exclamation point) of my new “Adam Gold Mystery,” soon to be published by the good folks at Aberdeen Bay Publishing back east. Yes, that’s right! Book number two is on the way! Even as we speak, bookstores around the nation are clearing out their shelves to make room for my latest venture into the dark, underbelly of criminal enterprise! (NO, I haven’t written a book about Washington, D.C.) I am referring to the violent, bullet-strewn world of high risk insurance. (Dang, I’m starting to scare myself!) So where are we in this publishing process of ours?

Well, for the past week, I have been PROOFWEEDING my manuscript. (Just joking, folks.) However, this time, I intend to do my job BEFORE the book gets published. As some of you know, I was in the jungle (NO, not Newark) when THE PRESLEY PLOT galleys were sent to me, and because I was trying to avoid headhunters and cannibals, I neglected to scrutinize each and every page. Well, this time I stayed home, locked the doors, turned off the cell phone, and fell asleep…. but, after I awoke, I went to work and “cleaned up” the manuscript. The cover is almost finished, and it is simple marvelous. An eye-catching masterpiece! A work of art! In short, I think it will knock your socks off. (Your shoes, too.)

The publisher recently sent me my year-end blog statistics, as published by WordPress.com. Thanks to a fantastic group of followers (YOU!) I landed in the top 10% of all newly created blogs in 2012! Wow, that is simply mind-boggling. In complete seriousness, I wish to thank the 4,000 people who have taken the time to sign on to my blog this past year, and the 10,000 who have viewed a post more than once. I am overwhelmed by the response, and wish I could personally thank each and every person! It is, again in all seriousness, rather flattering and encouraging to a relatively new author like me. So….. THANK YOU!

BY THE WAY…. our blog can now be seen, and has a substantial following, in over 40 countries world-wide! The top five countries in 2012 were…. The United States, Canada, England, France, and Australia. (All countries I love!) Our newest subscribers came from….. Pakistan, Algeria, and South Korea. (Welcome aboard!) The “universal” mix of followers is quite interesting to me, so I thought I might share some other (non-book) statistics with you…..

IF YOU COULD FIT THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE WORLD INTO A VILLAGE CONSISTING OF 100 PEOPLE (maintaining the proportions of all the people living on Earth) THAT VILLAGE WOULD CONSIST OF……

57 ASIANS….. 21 EUROPEANS….. 14 AMERICANS (North, Central & South)….. and 8 AFRICANS. Isn’t that interesting? (Now you see the importance of translating THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE into Chinese!) I just read somewhere that we are all part Asian. Apparently, we have 24 useful ribs (12 on each side of the rib cage) plus one “spare rib!” (Ouch, that hurt!) No “bones” about it!

Speaking of ribs…. I ate at two great restaurants recently….. If you live in Austin (or come to visit) you must try SPIN Modern Thai Cuisine and THE BONNEVILLE. The Thai restaurant has amazing dishes (but no bow-Thais) and The Bonneville has an incredible short rib dish, and many other amazing treats, as well as a terrific location in downtown Austin. (And very interesting cocktails!) I can heartily recommend both establishments, and I predict great things for both restaurants! You vegans out there should try some real food! Just remember what my grandpappy used to say….. “Them thar health nuts are going to feel mighty stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” (What can I say, the man was a genius.)

Well, next Sunday I will bring you up-to-date on my progress with MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. I will also tell you about my upcoming expedition to the jungles of Honduras and Belize! (Believe it or not, I’m heading back into the bush!) Stay tuned, do not touch that internet dial, and we shall meet back here next week! Until then, I wish you safe travels and much happiness. Class dismissed! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff