July 14, 2013

SOME LIKE IT HOT…..

WHO MIGHT THIS BE? Why, mad dogs and Englishmen… and yours truly! The weather in Texas has been rather warm this week. How hot was it? The fire ants were crawling around with canteens on their backs! I saw two scorpions running a Kool-Aid stand! Now, that’s hot! Hotter than hell…..

Speaking of the devil… (wasn’t that a smooth transition?) my third “Adam Gold Mystery” will be published early next week. The book is titled, DEVIL’S COVE. Incredibly, three hundred books have already been pre-ordered, so we are off to a very good start. You can help by ordering some books later in the week! (No, you don’t have to order 300 copies!)

The publisher was smart enough to send an advanced copy to some reviewers in New York City, and I thought you might like to see the first review of the book…..

“DEVIL’S COVE is a lively caper… Yanoff is a master story-teller, and there’s always something deadly serious behind his entertaining insurance-related tales… He continues to show why he is one of the best – and most consistent – mystery authors in America.” (Renegade Reviews, N.Y.C.)

Naturally, I am VERY grateful for the kind words, and even more grateful for your continued support and encouragement. In all seriousness, this is a TEAM effort, and I have a wonderful team!

Incidentally, my first non-fiction book is on its way to the wonderful world of literary representation in the Big Apple. The book is titled, THE SECOND MOURNING. (The Untold Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder) As some of you know, the book recounts the assassination of President James A. Garfield. I shall, as they say, keep you posted of my progress…. or lack thereof!

By the way, I made it to the final table of the Steiner Ranch Poker Tournament two weeks in a row… but the BIG poker story is about my friend Beverly (last name withheld for security reasons) who is currently playing in the MAIN EVENT of the World Series of Poker… and she has already won $40,000 and has survived day 5 of the tournament! If she wins, she gets a cool $8,000,000! (And a free copy of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE) I hear she wants the money, but is more anxious to get her book!

Well, gang, that’s about it for me…. have a safe and pleasant week… and please remember that it is IMPOSSIBLE to lick your own elbow… (I know some of you will try!) Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

July 7, 2013

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

HOW WAS YOUR FOURTH OF JULY? Did you display a “sparkling” personality, or did you have a “short fuse?” I was lucky… I got to watch an explosive display of fireworks. (The Texas Legislature was on C-Span!) In any case, there were no “duds” in our group, and we had a marvelous Texas-style barbecue, compliments of the good folks at The Salt Lick. Speaking of the Fourth…..

Did you know that the first Independence Day celebration occurred in the city of Philadelphia on July 8, 1776? Believe it or not, it wasn’t until 1804 that the White House celebrated the event. (Better late than never!) For your reading pleasure, I now submit some fun facts about our nation’s birthday…..

In 1776, there were 2.5 million people in America.

In 2013, we have approximately 310 million people in America.

And because this is the MOST American of all holidays, you should know that…..

95% of our fireworks are made in….. China!

94% of our American flags are made in….. China!

The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship has been won (6 times) by a fellow named Takeru Kobayashi, who was born in….. Japan! (You thought I was going to say, China, right?)

Well, at least we have become an inclusive country! When was the last time you saw an American sumo wrestling champion? Or an American ping pong champion? Exactly. I rest my case.

So what else is new? Well, the third “Adam Gold Mystery” titled, DEVIL’S COVE, is set for publication and will be available on Amazon.com in the very near future. I shall keep you informed of the exact release date. Last week I spent some quality time with Will Ravenel, the world’s best structural integration therapist. I had some shoulder pain that Will the “Miracle Worker”/magician made disappear in one short session! If you’re ever in pain or discomfort, take my advice, and contact Will at Castle Hill Fitness. (You will thank me later!)

I would like to say “Happy Birthday” to two remarkable (and stunningly attractive) women….. Ms. Ingrid Kaminski and Ms. Sharon Francia. Both of these lovely ladies recently celebrated their 39th birthday. Ladies, you look marvelous, absolutely marvelous! I would also like to congratulate Mrs. Helena Bomblatus, who is expecting a baby girl later in the week. She’s expecting a baby, but not delivering one. (Helena is the grandmother!) Best wishes to her and her husband, Lee. (And also to Rita….. who is actually having the baby!)

Well, gang, that’s about it for me. Please remember that pushing the elevator button more than once does NOT make it arrive any faster. (That one’s for you, Vicki!) Finally, in light of our recent holiday, I would remind you what Mark Twain once said….. “Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it….. ”

God Bless America! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

March 8, 2013

THE COBRA IS KING!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE….. I THOUGHT ELVIS WAS THE KING??

Well, as it turns out, Elvis was the king of rock ‘n’ roll, but THE MIGHTY COBRA is now the king of poker! Ladies and gentlemen, modesty prevents me from talking about myself, so I’ve decided to write a 10-page blog about my recent accomplishment. Wait! Don’t leave! I was just kidding! (I think I can adequately describe my victory in 5 or 6 full length pages.) Then again, the goal is not to put my blog followers to sleep, so perhaps I shall present the abbreviated version of my glorious victory…..

Last night, poker history was made (up) when yours truly, playing professional poker as the dreaded COBRA, slithered back upon his throne, capturing FIRST PLACE at the Main Event of the W.S.O.P. (Waterloo Series Of Poker) The venue, located just south of Las Vegas, was filled with the world’s best poker players, representing every crook and cranny, I mean nook and cranny, in this great card playing country of ours. Why there were people from all 51 states, 12 European nations, two third-world countries, and Arkansas! Yes sir, that joint was jumpin’!

For those of you that care (mainly my relatives) the going was tough, but as you know, when the going gets tough, the tough get lucky. I can tell you one thing, they do not make men like me any more. (Thank God.) I managed to survive the first round by getting an ace-high flush on the flop. (Unfortunately for Miss Kathleen, a/k/a “Mean Kathleen The Poker Machine,” she also had a flush, but a lower one.) I was catapulted onto the final table (actually, I tripped) by winning a huge pot from one of the great poker stars of Texas….. Ms. Sharon “Bad Barth” Barth. Sharon had a good hand, but I “rivered” a full house….. kings over tens!

The final table, now covered in cold, hard cash, spilled beer, and dabs of ketchup, was a real doozy. As some of you know, they bring the cash out in a wheelbarrow, surrounded by scantily clad, voluptuous young ladies. (All of them virgins.) Well, maybe not all of them. Anyway, when the smoke cleared (the dealer was also dealing marijuana) there were three of us left standing. All right, we were sitting, but you get the point. Surrounded by lights, cameras, and action (I told you they weren’t all virgins) the Cobra dispatched a young gun named “Billy The Kidder.” (I made a straight on the river!) That pot, believe it or not, contained about $400,000 in chips! The young lad kept calling my bets, but the old snake taught him a good lesson about respecting one’s elders. The final hand of the night, saw the mighty Cobra win another huge pot ($600,000 in chips!) when he was blessed with TWO KINGS in the hole, and triumphed over his opponent’s straight draw.

Sooooooo…… as you can see, our little tale is truly about TWO KINGS…… Elvis and me, and those lovely cards! Now that I am filthy rich (some say just filthy) I intend to slow down and enjoy life. Sadly, I realized that I was already retired and completely slowed down, so I have to come up with another game plan. If you have any ideas about jobs or work, please keep them to yourself. (The doctor said no stress.) I shall, as they say, muddle through on my own. Speaking of muddling….. did you know that on this very day, in 1956, Elvis Presley (The subject of that famous mystery novel, THE PRESLEY PLOT) received his second speeding ticket in Memphis, Tennessee?

I am debating whether to conclude this blog. To be honest, I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure…..

Before I leave, I wish to thank the eminent Dr. Max Talbott for his thoughtful gift… a renewal subscription of my favorite magazine, GARDEN & GUN! If you folks want to read a truly marvelous magazine, then this one is for you. Every article is well written and extremely informative. Thanks, buddy!

In leaving, I would suggest that you take my advice about filling out medical forms. When you are wasting away in the doctor’s office, filling out an application for the tenth time, and you come to the place where it says, “Who should we notify in case of an emergency?” ………. write in “THE DOCTOR!” (If nothing else, you will receive a free sample of Prozac.)

Enjoy your weekend…. love to all….

Doc Yanoff

October 3, 2012

FAKES… SNAKES… AND PATTY-CAKES!

Dearest Lovers of All Things Literary…..

On this very day, October 3rd, 1945, Elvis Presley entered a talent contest at the annual Mississippi-Alabama Fair and Dairy Show. (The states were poor even then, so they had to combine the sponsorship!) Anyway, one of Presley’s TEACHERS arranged for him to enter the contest after she heard him sing in class. (Her name, just for “the record” was Mrs. Oleta Grimes.) Elvis sang while standing on a chair and without any accompaniment. (For those of you who went to school in New York that means without music.) The Once and Future King sang a tender old hymn called “Old Shep.”

The poor lad won 5th prize! (and got spanked by his mother for going on a dangerous ride!)

Well, that was NOT the case last night! The FAKES refer to the poor folks who thought they could play poker with The Queen of Cork. (Called thus because of her love of rose wine and also because she is VERY Irish… think freckles!) The SNAKES refer to yours truly, well known in poker circles (and among squares) as THE COBRA! And finally, PATTY-CAKES is the nickname (yeah, she has several) of the woman who destroyed all of the competition at the huge and vicious My Place Poker Palace last night….. the one and only cutthroat chick, formerly known as the Corpus Christi Crusher…. Patricia Eileen McCloskey! (nee Yanoff)

Don’t ask me how (because it’s too painful to remember) but the above poker machine ousted the mighty Cobra and several hundred others saps to place SECOND in the tournament.

She almost won the whole darn thing, but lost to a full house (the place was crowded) on the river! (Actually, we were playing inside, not on the river, but you know what I mean.) Yes, sir, that woman is “one of a kind” when it comes to games of chance. And me? Well, I played extremely good (what else is new?) but alas, my pocket queens were trumped by Big Slick on the flop. (In keeping with THE PRESLEY PLOT theme I took my defeat well, but I insisted on singing two verses of “Don’t Be Cruel.”)

My utter grief and humiliation was short-lived… I ran into some friends in the parking lot and they asked me if they could purchase a couple of books. (By sheer coincidence, I had several boxes, I mean, copies in my pickup truck.) Consequently, I sold two books, autographed them, and went on my merry way… back to Merrywing Circle. Well, I didn’t win the dang tournament or increase my standing, but I am now the best-selling author of the Jester Center Parking Lot. (Hey, it’s all good!)

Today is sunny and pleasant down here in Austin, Texas. I am on my way to spend some quality time with my grand-dog! I hope you have a wonderful day, too.

(Baker, my grand-dog says hello!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff, F.P.L. (Former Poker Legend.)