February 8, 2015

MR. (GOOD) DEEDS GOES TO TOWN!

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I am proud to announce that I have joined a wonderful new charity called “Project E-Book,” a group dedicated to providing FREE e-books to members of the United States Air Force! Consequently, all of my brilliant mystery novels will soon be FREE to currently serving members our military. Sooo… if you have family or friends serving in the Air Force, please let them know about this modest token of appreciation. (Hopefully, this will soon be available to ALL branches of our military.)

If you’re a writer, think about joining us in this noble endeavor. Please remember that this small sacrifice for our heros in uniform is a small consequence when weighed against the sacrifice these folks make on a daily basis. If you’re interested, please contact me for details about the project. Until then, at ease blog followers!

So what else be new? Well, we are still waiting for two famous authors to “sign off” on a back cover blurb for RANSOM ON THE RHONE. (Yes, they actually charge for these endorsements!) If we don’t come to terms this week, the book will be published without their glowing words of praise. (Just between us, who cares what Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett think? Neither one of them have written anything new in years.)

In other news….. Mitt Romney has decided NOT to run for President. He said it was time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner. Personally, I like Romney. He reminds me of the guy who comes with the picture frame.

Harper Lee, the author of “To Kill A Mockingbird,” is publishing her second novel after a 55-year hiatus. (She must be a slow thinker.) Anyway, the book is tentatively titled, “Mock Two: The Need For Speed.” If you ask me, the title is for the birds. What would you expect from an empty-nester? (Did those jokes lay an egg?) Apparently, she releases a new book every time the measles comes back. Connect the dots and you’ll see what I mean.

Did you hear that Tom Brady, the quarterback of the Patriots, won the M.V.P. award at the Super Bowl? He received a brand new pickup truck. I wonder if the tires were properly inflated? Personally, I think they should have given the truck to the guy most responsible for the Patriot’s victory. (Seattle coach, Pete Carroll!)

Before I forget, I would like to thank the good folks at Ohio State University (department of history) for adding THE SECOND MOURNING to their suggested reading list for incoming freshman. I hope those youngsters learn a thing or two about our wonderful country and its amazing history. (Hope springs eternal!)

Finally, in closing, I would like to briefly address a vicious rumor floating around the Internet. There is no truth, none whatsoever, that ANY of my mystery novels have been “ghost written” by Brian Williams! A couple of chapters might have been penned by Dan Rather, but I forget which ones they were. (If you find any misspelled words, that was Daniel’s fault.)

Well, my dear friends, I must be on my way….. tonight is a special reunion dinner with some dear old chums, and the event requires that I bathe and shave and change my socks. What can I say, ” a friend in need, should be clean indeed.” I think the great Asian philosopher, Confusion, said that. Please take care and have a wonderful week!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Attached are a few more photographs from my river cruise in France. (The locale of my new book, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.)

November 16, 2014

THE ARCTIC GORETEX!

Those are the clothes I’m wearing, not the name of the weather front that blew in this week. By the way, why do they call it a “front” when you freeze your “rear” off? Hmm. In any case, it’s cold down here in Austin, Texas! How cold? I just saw a chicken crossing the street with her capon. (Cape on?) Look, there aren’t many ‘cold chicken jokes.’ (That one was really “fowl!”) What can I say, I’m a hen-pecked guy.

Lest we forget, last Tuesday was Veterans Day. Accordingly, I’d like to acknowledge my favorite vet, my father, Arthur Yanoff, who on October 11, 1945, flew across the Atlantic Ocean in a B-24 bomber destined for North Africa. I would also like to acknowledge my Uncle Jim, who served in the Air Force, My Uncle Paul, who served in the Army, my Uncle Aubrey, a Marine sergeant, who fought in Korea, and my cousin Max (Talbott) a sergeant in the U.S. Army. Thank you all for your service to our nation!

So what else is new? Well, on Wednesday, November 12, I was featured on the highly acclaimed radio program “Be The Star You Are.” The show was hosted by the incredibly talented Cynthia Brian, who is known as “The Oprah of the Airwaves.” As I’ve mentioned previously, her popular program is broadcast on VoiceAmerica, which has a listening audience of 4.5 million people in 219 countries. (I understand that only 4.2 million people listened to my brilliant oration, which was a little disappointing. Well, that’s show biz.)

Speaking of remarkable women, I recently had the pleasure of participating in my first internet interview with the lovely and talented blogger Gina McKnight. Gina produces a very popular blog called “Riding & Writing.” (She loves horses and books.) She asked some great questions, and if you would like to read my answers, simply go to: Ginamc. blogspot.com If you look on the right side of your computer screen, you will find the archive list and my name. Check it out if you get a chance. (My interview was on Sunday, October 26, 2014)

Since we’re on the subject of books (for a change) I’d like to remind you that my first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG, is now available on the OFFICIAL Elvis Presley webpage. All you need to do is find yourself a working computer and go to: Graceland at Shop.com (The holidays are coming up quickly, so don’t delay!) If we sell a lot of books, I’m going to ask Elvis to sign some future copies, which should fetch a pretty penny.

Incidentally, in case you’re wondering, the fourth “Adam Gold Mystery” is in the final stages of front cover production. The book is titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, and as the name suggests, the story takes place primarily in France. The target date of release is early January, 2015, so please don’t leave the country before you purchase a copy. (You will not be allowed back without your passport and a copy of the book. Hey, I don’t make the rules… (I just break them!)

In closing, I would like to remind you that Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Please remember to purchase your turkey early. (My wife got her turkey 35 years ago… me!) Hopefully, you will find some photographs at the end of today’s blog. These are photos from the gala literary event known as “Evening With The Authors.” I hope you enjoy them!

Take care and have a wonderful week. Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

November 9, 2014

AMAZING GRACELAND!

I ONCE WAS LOST… But now my mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG, can be found! Where? Why, at Graceland, the home of the King, Elvis Presley! Yes, my dear friends, I am thrilled to report that my first “Adam Gold Mystery” has been reviewed and accepted by the OFFICIAL website for all things Elvis! You (and 300 million others) can now purchase the book at: Graceland at Shop.com

As you might guess, this website handles the full line of Elvis products sanctioned by the Elvis Presley Estate, which is very picky about the items they allow to be sold under their own imprimatur. After reading my brilliant novel (and taking pity on me) they decided to list my book on their website for the next few years! Naturally, I was giddy, as this will expose my humble novel to a VAST audience in America and around the world. (I have often thought of exposing more of myself, but the wife wouldn’t let me.) All I can say is, “long live the King!” (And a serious thank you to Pricilla Presley and the Presley Estate.)

So what else is new? Hey, I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of people who are too lazy to work, but then turn around and ask us for money! But enough about the White House and Congress. Did you remember to exercise your right to vote? I was going to vote, but when I heard it was an exercise, I changed my mind. I always vote for myself anyway. During the last election, I received 3 votes. I voted for myself, and my mother voted for me twice. (She lives in Chicago.) I’m not great in math, but by my calculation, it’s going to take a while to win a seat. (Which is why I like to stand.)

Speaking of math, I have come to the conclusion that there are 3 different types of people in the world. People who are good in math, and those that are not. I could be wrong, but that’s the way it adds up to me. Like I said, math is not my strong suit. Back in high school, I would bring a rabbit to class whenever we had a math test. (I heard they multiplied quickly) When I got to college, I brought a Playboy bunny with me. I didn’t do any better on the test, but frankly, I didn’t give a damn.

Just a final (thank God) reminder that I will be featured on VoiceAmerica radio this coming Wednesday evening. (6:15 p.m. Central Time) I will be interviewed by Cynthia Brian, who is known in the radio world as “The Oprah of the Airwaves.” If you get a chance, give a listen. Hopefully, Ms. Brian will offer me a car at the end of the program.

Tomorrow (Monday) I have the honor of attending a military funeral for the late Richard Bomblatus, who served his country with distinction. Mr. Bomblatus will be buried at the Central Texas Veteran’s Cemetery, near Fort Hood. Like all our wonderful vets, he deserves a huge thank you for his service.

Last Sunday, I had the pleasure of attending a little surprise party for Miss Joyce, the lovely mother of Jaime Rubenstein, and the mother-in-law of Gary Rubenstein. I’m glad I brought an expensive gift, because Gary managed to convince the Captain and crew of the Queen Elizabeth Cruise Ship to feature my non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING! Don’t ask me how he did it, but the book was literally in every nook and cranny of the ship! (I know, there are a lot of books on the Nook. Ha-ha.) I am seriously considering firing my present publicist (Blind Bernie Kivowitz) and hiring Gary. (The guy is a marketing genius!)

Well, it’s time for me to consume some “health food waffles” that you-know-who is insisting I try. This recipe has two cups of bran and some other nasty looking fiber! One portion of these waffles, and you’ll be forced to “run” for office! By the way, remind me to tell you how the Chinese pronounce Election Day.

Happy trials, I mean, trails! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

August 17, 2014

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN…..

NOT MY STOCK PORTFOLIO, ELVIS PRESLEY! Can you believe that yesterday marked the 37th anniversary of the King’s passing? Yep, August 16, 1977. This week, as some of you know, was “Elvis Presley Week,” in Memphis, Tennessee. This year’s crowd was probably around 500,000, and as usual, they were treated to an assortment of events related to The King of Rock ‘n Roll. Including, I might add, the opportunity to purchase an autographed copy of my first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG. (Available at leading bookstores throughout Memphis.) I understand that sales were quite good, and God-willing, I will be holding a seminar at next year’s event. Should be interesting!

I’d like to give a big “shout out” to my dearest friends in Memphis…. Ron and Debbie Lazarov. (Thank you for introducing us to Corky’s barbecue!) If you ever need a place to stay, call them. (They only charge $175 per night for a room, but you get a free bottle of water.)

Speaking of great friends, I am very proud of Ms. Terri Schexnayder, my dear friend from the Writers League of Texas. Terri just had a wonderful article published in Texas Highways Magazine, so if you’re a subscriber, check it out. (The article is titled “Gone Fishing!” and it starts on page 15.) Great writing, and some valuable information about the freshwater fishery center in Athens. I had no idea that Terri went to Greece, or that Greeks loved catfish. Hold on, make that Athens, Texas. Oops, so much for my upcoming Greek humor. (Read the article slowly, so that you can “Ab-ZORBA” the details.) Hey, I had to make one joke! (I know, it’s “still Greek to you!”)

My second nationally broadcast radio interview, featuring a discussion on THE SECOND MOURNING, can be heard (almost live) this coming Tuesday, August 19, at 12 noon ET. The entire interview will be presented on WTAN-AM 1340 in Tampa, and KLRG-AM 880 in Little Rock. We spent 30 minutes discussing the untold story of America’s most bizarre political murder – the assassination of President James A. Garfield. I think you will find the broadcast intriguing and educational.

In closing, since we could all use a good laugh, I would like to share some things that I recently overheard at a local day camp. (Where I went to speak to 10-year-old kids.) They were discussing “world events,” and some of their comments were truly hysterical…

1. My grandpa is a doctor, and he told me that granola is spreading throughout Africa. (Thank God it’s not shredded wheat.)

2. The Turds are being attacked by a group called IRIS. (Who is this woman?)

3. Hamas was firing mistletoe into Israel. (Maybe they will kiss and make up.)

4. President Obama is vacationing in Martha’s Backyard. (I wonder if she knows about this, and if so, will invite IRIS?)

The above comments are all true, which reminded me of Art Linkletter’s old show, “Kid’s Say The Darndest Things.” Ah, youth is wasted is on the young. Still, it’s important to be young at heart, which just happens to be the title of one of my favorite songs. I hope you all have a young and joyful week, and if you miss my broadcast, don’t fret. (Do you think guitar players “fret?”) I will post a link to the podcast sometime during the week.

Elvis loves ya, baby!

Doc Yanoff

June 1, 2014

THE BIRTHDAY BOY!

Well, as many of you know, (since I have been sending out frequent reminders) last Thursday was my 39th birthday. (In Texas, you’re allowed to celebrate any year you wish!) A gentleman never mentions his age, but I am now old enough to order an alcoholic libation. (At a senior center.) I suppose I should be grateful that I am still, more or less, of sound mind and body. Which reminds me….. If my therapist says, “There’s really nothing more that I can do for you,” that means I’m cured, right?

By the way, I just read that a woman gives birth to a baby every 15 seconds in America. Personally, I think they should find that woman and have a talk with her. Just saying.

Did you know that 3 other famous people were born on May 29th? Patrick Henry, Bob Hope, and JFK. I don’t know what, if anything, they ever accomplished, but I do know that I was recently invited back for another interview on the “American Book Club!” (The nationally syndicated program that follows “Imus In The Morning.”) The good folks at KLRG in Tampa want to discuss THE SECOND MOURNING in another full-length format, which is truly a great honor for me. I’d like to personally thank the host, Jack Drucker, for his continued interest and support.

I don’t know the exact date yet, but I promise to keep you abreast. (Or, if you prefer, a leg or wing.) As they say in sniper school, we aim to please! Speaking of schools….. my new non-fiction book (THE SECOND MOURNING) is currently under consideration at several prominent universities. What are they considering? Whether or not the book should be added to their “Recommended Reading” list! (Two of the schools are in the Ivy League! I will refrain from making any jokes about poison ivy.)

Did you notice that Harvard, Yale, and other major colleges have recently announced another tuition increase? Believe it or not, the AVERAGE cost of a 4-year college education at a private university in now….. $125,000! I should mention that this figure does not include books, food, lodging, alcohol, drugs, or birth control devices. Dude, what a ripoff! When I attended the Dodge City School of Taxidermy & Chiropractic Medicine tuition was only $350 per semester. (Embalming fluids were extra.)

What is this country coming to? When I was a boy, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, and a dozen eggs. You can’t do that now… too many damn security cameras!

Before I take my leave (which is what Adam said to Eve) I would like to remind you that I will be at a major book-signing and self-adoration event this coming Friday, June 6th. The event will take place at 7 p.m. down at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd. Please feel free to bring your family and friends and some hard currency. Also, somebody should call Mrs. Barbara Talbott to remind her of the date and time. (I’ve already sent 10 emails.)

In closing, I would like to leave you with some wise words from Albert Einstein, the owner (I think) of Einstein Bagels….. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” I wonder if he was referring to mystery authors? Hmmm.

Have a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 25, 2014

LEST WE FORGET…..

TOMORROW IS MEMORIAL DAY! That being the case, I would like to start with a huge THANK YOU to all who have served in our nation’s military. We appreciate your service to our country and I salute you for your efforts to keep us free. God bless each and every one of you! I don’t know if I ever mentioned it, but my father was in the Army Air Corps during World War II. Airman Yanoff flew across the Atlantic Ocean on a B-24 (a rare event at the time) and served as a tail-gunner during the campaign in North Africa.

I used to kid my father about the first 3 aircraft he shot down. I told him that he would have gotten a medal if they hadn’t been BRITISH aircraft! He would laugh, and then tell me that he might have gotten a medal AND a promotion if they had been FRENCH aircraft! Like most men who served back then, he had a sense of humor about his experience, but was also very proud of his involvement.

Thanks to Sgt. Max Talbott, I received a long-overdue medal for “good conduct” from the U.S. Air Force. (I tried to enlist, but failed the entrance exam.) I received the medal (after a 30-year wait) because I returned the test pencil! Better late than never. Not to brag, but I once worked for the Salvation Army. I was stationed in Times Square, and if I remember correctly, I raised quite a bit of money. (Of which I only kept half.) Hard service, but somebody had to do it.

In case you’re wondering, our Friday night food festival was a big success. We had the pleasure of entertaining the Princess of Portugal and her wealthy hubby, Baron Lee. Judge Susan was also in attendance, as well as some uninvited guests….. which brings us to the main course….. roast COATIMUNDI! (A truly amazing delicacy from South America.) Trust me, you haven’t dined lavishly until you’ve eaten a ring-tailed Coati with fried onion rings. After dinner, we watched “Fiddler On The Roof,” which seemed oddly appropriate, since that is where we caught the main course.

If I sound like I’m rambling, it’s because I’ve only had one cup of coffee. Still, I think I’ve discovered a Sunday morning pattern….. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Yes, these are the five stages of waking up! What a gift to be young (?) and talented! Reminds me of an old adage….. “Talent is good. Practice is better. Passion is best.” Frank Lloyd Wright said that, he knew about talent. He and his brothers, Orville and Wilbur invented the first airplane….. the one that flew at Kitty Wells.

In closing, I would like to thank all of my blog followers for supporting my recent literary effort. (THE SECOND MOURNING) I have been fortunate to receive some excellent reviews, but I am fully prepared for a bad review! If and when I receive some unkind words, I shall order the following license plate for that mean old person….. are you ready?

How do you like this plate? 370HSSV

To get the full effect, you must read the plate upside down!

Yes, I know, talent on loan from God! Have a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 4, 2014

THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER!

DON’T ASK ME WHY, but for some ungodly reason I actually volunteered to “dog sit” my two grand-dogs this week. Baker is a cockapoo, eleven years old, and rather well behaved. Romy is a labradoodle, still a puppy, and proof positive that mental illness is hereditary. (You get it from your children!) Yep, little Romy is adorable, but hell on wheels. How can one dog chew on sooooo many different substances? You’d think metal and rocks would be off-limits, but not with this little lady! Her motto is thus: “I came. I saw. I chewed to shreds.”

As you can tell, I am having a “ruff” week, but this too shall pass. (Won’t it?) My daughters are off to weddings and vacations in San Diego and Hawaii, and I’m stuck at the dog pound! (And believe me, there are times when I’d like to pound you-know-who, but she’s just too dang cute for words!) Baker is white (which rhymes with right) and Romy is brown. (Which rhymes with “nervous breakdown.”) Why couldn’t my daughters get cats like other kids?

Oddly enough, I also had an unusual week book-wise. As many of you know, THE SECOND MOURNING was recently published, and thanks to folks like you, is doing quite well in the sales department. (Over two hundred books were sold on the first two days alone!) However, I spent most of the week discussing THE GRACELAND GANG, as the Elvis Presley Center in Tupelo was interested in obtaining some more books for their gift shop. What started as a simple phone call, ended up as a full-fledged interview with their newsletter editor. (By the way, a number of buildings were severely damaged in Tupelo during last week’s storm, but the Presley Center was spared. Definitely ‘Divine Intervention!’)

During my telephone interview, the editor asked me about the most surprising thing I discovered about Elvis Presley. There were plenty of surprises, but one of the most interesting was the fact that Gladys Presley’s grandmother was Jewish. (Gladys was Elvis Presley’s adored mother.) Interestingly, The King was quite fascinated with his religious ancestry, and during his lifetime he wore a “chai necklace” and often carried yarmulke in his pocket!

When I visited Graceland, I met one of the caretakers, and he told me something intriguing that I did not know… Elvis actually spoke Hebrew and often sang in the Hebrew language! The next time you go to Memphis, go to Graceland, and you will notice that his mother’s tombstone (She is buried in Meditation Garden) is engraved with a “Star of David,” to acknowledge her own roots. If you would like to learn more, just buy a copy of THE GRACELAND GANG, and you will be ready to go on a quiz show and win some big bucks!

Did you read the Wall Street Journal on Friday? A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it. Hmmm.

A funny thing happened to my neighbor last week. He went to a dude ranch in Bandera, Texas, and rode a donkey! (He’s afraid of horses.) While he was riding the range, a horse kicked up a rock and knocked him off the donkey. Don’t worry, he wasn’t injured. In fact, he just got stoned off his ass. (Ouch!)

I don’t mean to be annoying, but please don’t forget to SAVE THE DATE. (Friday, June 6, 2014.) As some of you know, I will speaking at BookPeople in downtown Austin at 7 p.m. You are all invited, and please remember, everything is free. (Free admission, free parking, free books.) All right, I’m lying about the books, but everything else is free! Hopefully, the margarita machine will be working!

Well, my friends, it is time to take the dogs to the butcher, I mean, the park. (Freudian slip!) I do hope that my daughters appreciate me. (and my wife, who is doing the early morning shift.) I fully expect not only a case of beer, but an ocean-front condominium in the resort area of my choosing!) Ideally, a condominium resort that does NOT allow pets!!

Love to all, and please, keep me in your prayers!!

Doc Yanoff (And “Ma Barker!”)

April 27, 2014

“THE SECOND MOURNING” ARRIVES!!

WELL, IT TOOK A WHILE, BUT MY “BABY” WAS FINALLY “DELIVERED” TO THE PRINTER LAST FRIDAY! What a sweet bundle of joy. Looks just like his father. 500 pages of parental pride, now available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and a huge number of bookstores throughout the free world. (And several counties in Arkansas.) Yep, my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, can now be purchased by the general public! Please, hold your applause. On second thought, I think I deserve a standing ovulation. Hey, I just “gave birth” to new creation. (The heck with a simple ovation!) After delivering 500 + pages I’m just glad I didn’t deliver twins. (A two-volume set.)

Truthfully, the process was invigorating, but somewhat stressful. (i.e., Try to imagine 731 endnotes!) Nevertheless, my incredible discoveries are fully documented. Personally, I don’t know why I needed so many references. I just figured out that I’m right 97% of the time. Who cares about the other 4%? Not me. After I finished the book, I checked myself into the Hokey Pokey Clinic in Austin. (I wouldn’t to “turn myself around.”) While I was recuperating I had some very profound thoughts….. For instance….. Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older. It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror!

Don’t fret about your weight, either. I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that….. After all, 7lbs. 6oz. is just not realistic. Thus, I have formally given up exercise! That’s right, no more exercise for this author! Look, if walking was good for you, the postman would be immortal. Right? Heck, whales swim all day, mainly eat fish, and drink just water….. and they’re all fat! Nothing but blubber! Just remember, my healthy blog followers, a rabbit runs and hops all day long, but only lives 15 years. (A tortoise, on the other hand, moves very slowly and lives 450 years!) Do the math, my friends!

I once saw a tortoise at a Shell Station, but that’s another story. Speaking of other stories, Mrs. Emily Martin won last week’s trivia contest. (German immigrants introduced the Easter Bunny and also brought over….. pretzels!) Would you like another question? Fine. Tell me the make of pistol that Charles Guiteau used to shoot President Garfield. (Dr. Max Talbott, my weapons consultant, is NOT eligible to enter this contest!) One answer per follower, please.

ONE SMALL FAVOR TO ASK….. If you purchase a copy of THE SECOND MOURNING would you please be kind enough to leave a nice review of the book on Amazon.com? Favorable reviews translate into advertising dollars from the publisher, so you would be doing me a HUGE favor. Thank you very, very much.

Well, I must run… tonight we are attending a special dinner, hosted by the amazingly talented chef, Mrs. Pat Cutrone. (The “Legend of Lakeway.”) I’m hoping to read the first 30 chapters of my new book (aloud) but the other guests might have a problem digesting their dinner! (Which is why I always travel with a case of books and a case of Alka-Seltzer!) Have yourself a safe and pleasant week, and we shall meet again next Sunday! Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

April 20, 2014

SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

THE GRASS HAS RIZ! I WONDER WHERE MY TAX REFUND IS? (I won’t hold my breath!) Well, in any case, let me start by wishing my faithful blog followers a very Happy Easter and a very Happy Passover. I do hope you were able to spend the holiday with your loved ones, or folks that didn’t eat too much. We celebrated by hosting the 62nd Annual Cajun Birthday Festival for Lee Bomblatus, the gentleman who single-handedly made Dell Computers a mega-corporation. (Lee used to “screen” perspective employees.) The wife (Princess Patty) made a huge caldron of her famous Swamp Thing Gumbo, and my goodness, did we eat well! I am happy to report that only two utensils were “accidentally” taken by our guests, and that there was only one arrest. Around here, that is what passes for a good night!

So last Friday I had my semi-annual head-to-toe health exam, and as usual, it provided a lot of new comedy material. My nurse was a charming woman from Trinidad (Trini was her dad’s name) and her “medical notes” were hilarious. Here are a few of her actual observations…..

1. “The patient has two female children, but no other abnormalities.” (Actually those two are enough!)

2. “Examination of the patient’s groin area reveals that he is circus sized.” (No comment.)

3. “The lab test indicated normal lover function.” (Whatever that is!)

You know, at my age, my “train of thought” often leaves the station without me, but I must say, I could be a very rich man if they would let me hang around the doctor’s office for a while and take some more notes! Speaking of doctors and such….. the answer to last week’s trivia question (what famous ‘medical person’ ran out to help President Garfield after he was shot) is….. Clara Barton! (The founder of the American Red Cross.) Nobody got the right answer….. so here’s another question:

Which ethnic group introduced America to the “Easter Bunny?” (Hint: They were not from Easter Island.) These immigrants, who came over in the 1700s, had a custom of giving out brightly colored eggs in the spring….. and when you read my upcoming book, THE SECOND MOURNING, you will learn that they also introduced an unusual treat to Pennsylvania and the Ohio Wilderness….. a twisted dough concoction sprinkled with salt. First correct answer wins a free copy of my new book.

I was driving by a herd of cattle the other day, and I could swear that the cows looked familiar. Would this be an example of deja moo? No bull, this really happened. Maybe I shouldn’t try to milk this routine any further, eh?

Did you folks catch a glimpse of last week’s solar eclair? I know a great deal about astrology, so for me it was a real eye-opener. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I’m a real Renaissance man. (I actually prefer Hampton Inn, but that’s an inside joke.) Well, my dear friends, I must leave you now. Time to finish off the remaining gumbo. Ya Ya, baby!

Have a safe and wonderful week and don’t forget to spray the Lysol early and often!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

March 16, 2014

MAKING MORE WAVES! (AIRWAVES, THAT IS!)

Well, now that we have set our clocks backward or forward for daylight savings time (depending on which state you live in) it is time to adjust our radio dials so that we don’t miss the coast to coast interview of America’s most endearing mystery author! Me! As a public nuisance, I mean, public service, I would like to remind you that on Tuesday, March 25, I will be the featured guest on “THE AMERICAN BOOK CLUB” radio program. The show begins at 12 noon, Eastern time, and will follow “Imus In The Morning,” on KLRG-AM 880. The host will probably ask about my goal, which is simple. (After all, I am a simple person.) I just want the audience to accept me for who I pretend to be! Not too much to ask, eh?

Speaking of radios, don’t you just hate it when you’re listening to a song and singing out loud and then the artist gets the words wrong? Jeez, what’s wrong with those folks? Now for some news about the folks who follow this blog….. Did you know that my old friend (and former lawyer) Bruce Blakeman was running for Congress in the 4th District of New York? Well, now you do, so I would ask all of my New York followers to please vote for this gentleman, who is a fine fellow and will make you proud!

And since I mentioned “pride,” I am very proud to have most of the “Deatrick Clan” as followers, as well as Ms. Lisa Reischer, one of the very best photographers in New York State! I would also like to welcome the entire “Raymond Chandler Book Club” of El Paso, Texas. (And thank you for choosing DEVIL’S COVE as your book-of-the-month!) All I can say about that is….. Yeeehaaaa!

Speaking of yahoos, how do you like the nerve of this guy Rootin’ Tootin’ Putin? Did you see the photo of him riding that horse with his shirt off? The commie obviously doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “bareback.” If you ask me, he’s not “stable.” (All right, I’ll stop “horsing around!”) Wait, I’ve got one more commie joke….. Did you hear that Putin just recorded his first record? It’s called….. “Crimea River.” (Cry Me A River?) I should have stopped while I was ahead!

Before I go, I would like to say “Happy Birthday” to one of my personal “idols.” Today is the birthday of James Madison, our fourth President. Did you know that Mr. Madison was the “Father of the American Constitution?” He was also the primary author of the “Bill of Rights.” Do you remember the saying about “good things come in small packages?” Well, Mr. Madison was only 5′ 3” in height, and he weighed just 100 pounds! (His favorite Broadway musical was….. “Hello Dolly!”) Just kidding about that last part!

Finally, congratulations to Daniel Mantrone of Richmond, Virginia, who was the first to identify last week’s photo of the assassin, Charles J. Guiteau. (I hope the attached caption was helpful!) Another gift card will be given to the first person who can identify this week’s photograph. Good luck to all!

Have a safe and prosperous week…. We shall chat next Sunday!

Love and knishes,

Doc Yanoff