July 17, 2016

SWEET SIXTEEN!

Now there’s an oxy-moronic term if I ever heard one… Do you know any sixteen-year-olds that are sweet? (They’re too busy playing Pokemon Go!) When I was a teenager we spent our time more wisely — reading. (Mainly Playboy and National Geographic Magazine.) In any case, the blog title is not meant as a reference to juvenile delinquents, but as a reference to the fact that I recently received my 16th literary award. While I was traipsing around Italy, my history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, won the “Honorable Mention Award,” (third place) at the 2016 New York Book Festival.

The awards ceremony is going to be held at the (in) famous Algonquin Hotel in midtown Manhattan. I may attend the ceremony, mainly out of respect for all the incredible writers who made the hotel famous back in the 20’s and 30’s. Back in the day, a group of editors, book authors, and playwrights gathered at the Round Table Restaurant and spent countless hours engaged in brilliant repartee. The group included such literary geniuses as Dorothy Parker, Robert Benchley, Robert Sherwood (winner of 4 Pulitzer Prizes!), Alexander Woolcott, Edna Ferber, and my personal playwriting idol, George S. Kaufman. (who also wrote some of the movie scripts for the Marx Brothers.)

For those of you concerned about my mental well-being, fear not, I have finally caught up with my emails and have returned to my (semi) normal routine as a (semi) famous author and bon vivant. I am thrilled to report that we now have close to 30,000 blog followers, and that most of them actually speak a version of the English language. (Those folks from Gozo are a bit problematic.)

Several of my curious blog followers have requested a little more information about my archaeological stop in the Sicilian port of Agrigento. So, for your educational edification, allow me to add that the town was originally founded by the Greeks, overtaken by the Romans, conquered by the Muslim Arabs, and preserved by the Normans. (Whew, what a cast of characters!) In other words, there was an incredible mix of cultures, adding to the overall charm and mystique of the city. (At the end of this blog, I will post some photos of our stop in Agrigento, so please remain awake… I know it’s a little early for some of you!)

On the home front, I would like to congratulate the Princess of Portugal (and her hubby, Baron Lee) for sponsoring the soccer team of Portugal, which recently won the 2016 Euro Championship. (Their frequent trips to the Azores paid for the uniforms and the foot powder used by the players!)

Also close to home (actually, just inside our house) we were honored to wine and dine with Judge Susan, the (semi) notorious “Hanging Judge” of Central Texas. She got that moniker not for sentencing scofflaws to hang, but for “hanging around” the courthouse with a pair of crutches and beating unprepared lawyers over the head. (with the soft end of the crutches) I am happy to report that her Honor is on the mend, and will soon resume her flagging tap-dancing career.

And since we are on the subject of friends, allow me to thank Mr. Robert Todaro for sending me a lovely Maltese poem as a remembrance of my visit to Malta and Gozo. (Robert actually speaks and understands their language, which is remarkable. Only a handful of human beings have conquered that challenge!) Nonetheless, I would like to leave you with this poem, which I hope you enjoy:

“Il-bjuda taz-zahar u l-hegga tat-tfulija huma I-poezija tal-holm.”

Translation: (roughly) “The whiteness of blossoms and the enthusiasm of boyhood are the poetry of dreams.”

I apologize for leaving out some of the symbols above the words, but my ancient computer doesn’t seem to have any of these in stock. (or perhaps I just can’t find them) Still, you get the idea. So, with that, allow me to say goodbye until next Sunday. I hope all of you have a wondrous week. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

*** Stay tuned for some enchanting photographs!

October 12, 2014

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG SCHTICK!

I’m not sure who said that, but I think it was either Theodore Roosevelt or Shecky Greene… In any case, I concur with the sentiment, which is why I am pleased to announce that yours truly will soon be featured on… (are you sitting down?) … THE LARGEST RADIO NETWORK IN THE WORLD! That’s right, my dear blog followers, thanks to your continued encouragement and support I have now become a “highly sought after personality.” (Which is similar to being on America’s Most Wanted, but different.)

Where was I? Oh yes, the radio program. I have recently formalized a written agreement to be the featured author on “Star Style,” an award-winning radio program now in its 17th season. The program is hosted by Cynthia Brian, (a hugely popular radio personality) and is broadcast by Voice America/World Talk Radio. Here’s the coolest part….. the program is broadcast to 219 countries and has a current listening audience of 4.5 MILLION listeners!

Yikes, I’d better be coherent and glib! Guess why? The show is done LIVE! No rehearsals, no tape, no second chances! (Not much pressure there!) Hopefully, there will only be 3.5 MILLION people listening. (I prefer smaller audiences.) Now for the details…. (I’ll wait while you grab a pen and paper) OK, here goes….. The LIVE 20-minute interview will be broadcast on Wednesday, November 12, 2014. The show comes on at 4-5 p.m. Pacific Time, which means that my Texas friends will hear it 3 hours later. (My interview slot has been assigned a specific time, which is 7:15 to 7:40 p.m. EASTERN TIME.)

MORE GOOD NEWS… If you do not own a radio, or have dinner plans on November 12th, you can access the entire interview on the radio station’s archive site. (Which means that you can listen to it over and over, like I’m going to do.) All you have to do is get your hands on a computer and go to: http://www.VoiceAmerica.com/show/2206/be-the-star-you-are

So what else is new? As a public service I would like to remind you of the symptoms of Ebola. The virus will cause headaches, feelings of nausea, and is difficult to get rid of. (Much like a politician.) I’m starting to think that Kim Jong Un, the North Korean dictator, might have contracted the disease. The poor guy has vanished! He didn’t even go to George Clooney’s wedding. The North Koreans sent his daughter, Kim Kardashi Un.

The head of the Secret Service was recently fired. (She had to jump over the White House fence to turn in her office keys!) The whacko that broke into the White House was inside a lot longer than we were told. He was there long enough to be appointed Acting Secretary of Agriculture! Then the President gets on an elevator with a civilian who was carrying a loaded weapon. Thank God Ray Rice wasn’t on the elevator!

Chelsea Clinton’s new daughter just uttered her first word! She reportedly said, “I-O-W-A.”

The government of Turkey has finally announced that it will join America’s fight against ISIS. Unfortunately, they didn’t indicate whose side they will be on. But do not fear! Those cold-blooded bastards in ISIS will soon surrender to us. They were recently told that Sylvester Stallone is contemplating another “Rocky” movie. (Their leader supposedly said, “How much can we take!”)

Today I find myself in sunny Florida, basking on the beach in Boca Raton. We have had 5 days of perfect weather, and the food has been outstanding. We are eating lots of bagels and have seen some “bay-gulls” flying around. I have also seen many bikini-clad women, and surprisingly, most of them DO NOT want their photographs taken… even from behind. What’s the story with that? I told one lady that I will take just one shot, and then we’ll see what “develops.” (She threatened to take one shot at me!)

Well, I must leave you now… we are off to see my sister, Jan, down in Fort Lauderdale. Which reminds me, today’s blog is dedicated to a very special man who recently passed away. My smart and talented brother-in-law (Larry Baum) recently lost his favorite uncle, who was one of the sweetest and kindest men I ever met. So this one’s for you, Heshy!

And as for the rest of you… please have a safe and joyous week! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and we shall meet again soon. Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

P.S. I forgot to mention that my upcoming radio interview will be covering THE SECOND MOURNING, my non-fiction book. The host just finished reading the book and loved it, so that will be our main emphasis.

June 3, 2013

THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS…

EXCEPT FOR POLITICS….. I sail off to the Caribbean for 10 short days and the world falls apart! Looks like our illustrious A.G, Eric Holder is in big trouble. (I call him Eric “With-Holder”) Apparently the I.R.S. is also in deep do-do. The “Gilligan’s Island” video was the straw that broke the camels back. (I hope that’s not an offensive term to Islamic terrorists.) Serves the bandits right, taxing my hard-earned royalty checks. They even sent me a nasty letter last year, refusing to believe that I paid my taxes late because somebody stole my identity. (You know what really hurt? The son of a gun returned my identity and said he didn’t want to be me! He must have been a book reviewer.)

Speaking of show business…… I just got back from a little book signing gig. I was signing copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE for senior citizens at Mizner Park in Boca Raton. (I ended up giving away more books than I sold, but only because the old folks were so sweet, and my mother was watching!) I wonder if Elmore Leonard started like this? Hmmm.

And since we’re still on the subject of show business….. My dear, sweet friend, and fellow cruiser, Judge Susan Marquess, recently shared some wonderful news with me… her multi-talented son, Tyler, was just nominated for an EMMY AWARD by the National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences! (Tyler is the Line Producer of “Let’s Make A Deal.”) Hopefully, he will receive the EMMY on June 16, during the 40th Annual Daytime Entertainment Awards Ceremony. We will all be rooting for him, especially Uncle Steve who is also in show business, and very popular on certain beaches in the Caribbean.

Speaking of beaches….. I will soon be describing (in vivid detail!) and with plenty of adjectives, some of the hair-raising snorkel adventures that our crew undertook on the desolate and remote island of St. John! (Which was actually packed with tourists, but that sounds wimpy.) Stay tuned, you will love my shark story, the avocado tale, and the incredible snorkeling sisters, Tonya & Shannon! Most of what you will read will be factual, and the rest will be highly imaginative fiction worthy of a Pulitzer Prize!

Our flight back to Florida was smooth as silk, except for the little snag we encountered at “Customs,” on St. Thomas. A certain member of our party tried to smuggle out two DEAD iguanas! (Don’t ask.) The custom’s officer politely refused to let the smelly creatures out of the country. He told the would-be smuggler that airline policy clearly stated “one carrion per passenger!” Leapin’ lizards, that was a really bad joke! (Some might call it a “reptile dysfunction!”)

Well, on that note I shall take my leave of thee. I have to start packing for the long ride back to Texas. (With book signing stops in Tallahassee, Mobile, New Orleans, and Beaumont.) Hopefully, I won’t run out of books or be offered too many out-of-town checks! The next time we meet, I shall be back in the lovely Hill Country of Austin! Be it ever so humble…..

Be well, pay your taxes, and have a wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

March 24, 2013

BACK IN THE SADDLE!

HI BUCKEROOS, IT’S SCAMP YANOFF TIME AGAIN… TIME TO SLIDE ONE BY YOU ONCE MORE…

First the BIG NEWS….. My second “Adam Gold Mystery Novel,” titled MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, is ready for publication and will be available in the very near future! We completed the final book cover design yesterday, and as you will see, the good folks at Aberdeen Bay Press did a fantastic job. In my humble opinion, the cover is simply awesome. (Except for my mug on the back!) I will, of course, let you know when it is available for purchase on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, etc.

A lot has happened in our world since last Sunday, so why don’t we take a moment and play “catch-up?” (I didn’t have a chance to post a blog last week.) Well, as they say, “where there’s smoke there’s….. a new Pope!” I wonder if that’s where the term “Holy Smoke” comes from? Congratulations to Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio, an Argentine, who will now be known as Pope Francis. The Argentines were understandably emotional, so His Holiness told them….. “Don’t cry for me, Argentina!” (You can’t make this stuff up!) I feel bad that the Pope can’t marry. I have been in a monotonous relationship for 35 years, and I am quite numb, I mean, happy. Of course, there are many bonds that keep us together. (Savings bonds, Government bonds, Municipal bonds, etc.)

Looks like Carnival Cruise Lines had another smelly week. I pity the poor folks that were recently on the “Carnival Dream,” which should be re-named the “Carnival Nightmare.” As you might know, the ship lost power temporarily and the halls filled up with….. well, human waste. (No, not the incompetent crew.) Carnival Cruises now has a new slogan… “Howdy Doody!” (Peyew, that joke stinks!)

What do you folks think about all of those pigs that a Chinese farmer admitted dumping into the Huangpu River? (6,000 porkers!) The pigs were pulled out of the water, cooked and shredded, and served to tourists from Arkansas! (Those razorbacks just love “pulled pork.”) At first I thought the story was “hog wash,” but now I’m not so sure. If I close my beautiful brown eyes, I can almost see Sum Yung Guy (the farmer) standing on the bank of a levee. (Why would they open a bank on a levee?) Anyway, I can see him humming Stephen Foster’s famous song, “Way down upon the Swine-ee Riber… ”

Incidentally, did you know that Stephen Foster, “The Father of American Music,” was raised by a “foster family?” Duh. To be perfectly honest, the man was a genius. (Even though, sadly, he died a pauper at the age of 37.) During his short lifetime, he wrote… “Oh! Susanna,” “Camptown Races,” “Old Folks at Home,” “Jeanie With The Light Brown Hair,” and my personal favorite, “Beautiful Dreamer.” (My theme song, incidentally!)

Since I completely missed St. Patrick’s Day, I would like to offer a belated greeting to all of my Irish friends. (Including a gal named Patricia Eileen McCloskey!) I’ve always admired St. Patrick, even though he drove the snakes out of Ireland. (Hey, family comes first to “The Cobra!”) I’ve always wondered how he drove the snakes off of an island. How big was his car? I wonder if he drove a Dodge Viper? Well, as they say in County Cork….. “Here’s to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold pint – and another one!” Erin adjust your bragh!

Finally, I would like to mention that my friend, Larry Brill, a semi-famous television personality in Austin, has a new book coming out in early April. The book is titled, “Live@Five,” and it is a very good read, so look for it on Amazon.com in the weeks ahead. (Larry was the producer of “Writing Across Texas,” the show that I co-hosted for a few years.)

Remember, dear ones, you are never too old to learn something stupid. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit….. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. This masterly prose is dedicated to a masterpiece of a person, my sweet sister-in-law, Kathy Johnston.

November 21, 2012

GOBBLE GOBBLE!

HAPPY HOLIDAY! Did you know that the very first Thanksgiving was held in a car? Yep, in a PLYMOUTH! (The Pilgrims couldn’t afFORD anything else and they didn’t want to DODGE the party!) You can’t make these things up, folks. (Well, actually you can, but I won’t go there.) Anyway, a lot of Americans think this wonderful holiday has something to do with Captain John Smith and his main squeeze Pocahontas, but that is simply not the case. I will admit that Captain Smith (almost) lost his head over her, but that’s only because he was rude. (He kept pointing at her during dinner and then, after some cheap corn whiskey, he tried to poke her with his index finger. You should never,ever, poke a hontas!

As you can see, I know a great deal about indigent people. (Poor Indians) Did you know that Pocahontas was the daughter of Powhatan? Did you know that her uncle lived in New York City? (Yeah, his name was MANHATTAN) Did you know that one of her descendants was Nancy Reagan? (This is actually true.) But enough about her….. let’s get to the great holiday known for peace, love, and wonderful sales at the mall.

Interestingly, seven other nations celebrate THANKSGIVING! (Originally a day to celebrate a good harvest.) I, of course, celebrate life, liberty, family, friends, and steadily increasing sales of THE PRESLEY PLOT. (Do I have my priorities straight, or what?) We can all thank (no pun intended) FDR for making the day official. At his urging, Congress agreed to the 4th Thursday in November. FDR was an interesting fellow. Did you know that he was the first president to play Texas Hold ‘Em Poker? Sure, don’t you remember the NEW DEAL?

He also started the tradition of “pardoning” a turkey. (To make sure the herd continued.) This year our president intends to pardon Susan Rice! (Hey, come on, that was funny!)

Thanksgiving at our house in very, well, international. How so? We have a TURKEY, sitting in GREECE, and there are people with ROMAN hands and RUSSIAN fingers waiting for the bird to arrive. Last year my wife burnt the stuffing, which stuck to the bird. I had to kick the stuffing out of that fowl weather friend, but we did have a tasty meal. By the way, speaking of reasons to celebrate….. TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY! On this day, in 1955, ELVIS signed his contract with RCA, which included all of the famous sound tracks from Sun Studios in Memphis. I’m not sure if Elvis sold many records (ha ha) but I do know that the contract stipulated that the King produce eight sides per year, and that he received a 5% royalty. (Which is half of what I get from Aberdeen Bay Publishing.)

Well, I must go do some prep work for the big meal, so I will say goodbye until we meet again. I have sooooo much to be thankful for this year, and I know that most of you do too. We have a bunch of loved ones coming for dinner and when they all get here, I intend to remind everyone that our Founding Father (George Washington) put it best when he said that our young country should use the day “as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favours of Almighty God.”

Well said, General! Be grateful! Be thankful! Be well!

Happy Thanksgiving and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff (The Prince of Puritans!)