August 18, 2013

MEMPHIS IN MOURNING!

NO, THEY DIDN’T RUN OUT OF PORK RIBS AT CORKY’S!

Last Friday, August 16, marked the 36th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. Hard to believe, but the King of Rock ‘n Roll died in 1977. Oddly enough, his passing is “celebrated” with an annual week-long festival known as “Elvis Presley Week.” In mid-August, the city is transformed into one big Elvis event, and each year over 400,000 people show up to join the party! Believe me, it is quite a sight. (Try to picture several thousand Elvis impersonators!)

Naturally, copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT will be available at various locations throughout the city. (One vendor is selling only autographed copies….. my signature, not Elvis.) I don’t make a great sum of money, but the publicity is wonderful, and I get to meet some interesting characters.

Speaking of books, I am currently reading a book about anti-gravity. (I just can’t put it down!) Incidentally, last week I mentioned that Elvis Presley’s Army uniform was about to be auctioned off in Dallas. Well, how much do you think it fetched? How does $35,000 sound? While this was a decent price, it didn’t come close to the King’s peacock jumpsuit that sold for….. $300,000 in 2008! In any case, I’ve decided to sell my socks on eBay, so don’t be a “heel” and buy a pair. Each pair has been thoroughly washed, so you won’t get “toe-maine” poisoning.

How about some “food for thought?” Last week’s book signing was held in Lampasas, which was followed by a Moonlight Swim at Hancock Springs. (Although there wasn’t much moonlight at 4 p.m., the swim was wonderful, and we stopped at Hopdoddy’s for dinner!) If you go to Hopdoddy’s, order the “Llano Poblano” hamburger….. An angus beef patty, topped with pepper jack cheese, roasted poblano peppers, apple-smoked bacon, and chipolte mayo. Simply amazing…. especially with a 512 IPA Beer! (or two)

I have recently viewed the new book cover for MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, and can report that it is simply marvelous. The revised book should be out in early November, but by then, I may be back in the Caribbean! Looks like we’re going on the road again, (or should I say the water?) and marching toward St. Thomas, St. John, and St. Martin. (“When the saints, go marching in….. “) Well, you know how that tune goes. Yummy, yummy, more rum in my tummy!

Finally, if you want to try the BEST pancakes in the free world, come visit me in Austin, and I will take you to the Rise and Shine Bakery for their homemade buttermilk pancakes. As Judge Susan and Princess Patty can attest, they are absolutely delicious! I was there yesterday and I saw plenty of nice stacks.

Well, have a great week and remember not to believe everything you hear. My wife thinks I’m a skeptic, but I don’t believe a word she says! (Would you believe my neighbor has a skeptic tank? What’s that about?)

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

June 9, 2013

HOME SWEET HOME…

BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE… there is no place like home. (Although the Caribbean is pretty damn close!) I am happy to report that my month-long book tour was a huge success, and that my publicist (Blind Lemon Lefkowitz) tells me that many copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE have been ordered on Amazon.com, Kindle, etc. I would like to thank my domesticated partner for arranging the book signing gigs and listening to the (semi) fictional account of my college love-life. (For the fifth time!)

Our travels took us from Austin, Texas to St. John in the American Virgin Islands, and in-between there were book signing stops in Tupelo, Mississippi (To visit the birthplace of Elvis Presley), Birmingham (Alabama), Atlanta (Georgia), Charleston (South Carolina), Boca Raton (Florida), Tallahassee (Florida), and Baton Rouge (Louisiana). All told, we logged about 4,000 miles, and saw some lovely spots in this gorgeous country of ours.

The highlight of our trip was spending a week with two other couples in a luxurious villa overlooking Cruz Bay on the island of St. John. I would like to thank Dr. and Mrs. Max Talbott and Lee and Helena Bomblatus (world famous snorkel enthusiasts) for their company and invaluable guidance on the consumption of rum. I would also like to thank Johnny Depp for letting us use his home, but I suggest that he remove the mirrors on the ceiling. (I saw some truly frightening things!)

Along the way, we met some remarkable folks and gained a large number of new blog followers. I would like to welcome a few of them, including….. Miss Nina Holcomb (hostess at the Elvis Presley Birthplace), Miss Ashley at the Tupelo Starbucks location, Miss Connie (who works at the Tupelo Hardware Store and directed us to the grave of Elvis Presley’s twin brother), the mayors of Atlanta and Charleston, Tonya and Shannon (the lovely snorkeling sisters from Pennsylvania), and all of the kind and generous folks who listened to my bad jokes and bought some books. You all made this a memorable trip.

At the request of my financial advisor (Jesse James Lipschitz) I will now spend the next week catching up on bills. (Always fun) I know that some of you folks have been trying to reach me by phone, so please do not be alarmed if your call is directly forwarded to the NSA in Washington. (I am a Verizon customer.) You know, I wish these folks would “mine their own business” and leave me alone. I’m not saying I don’t like the feds, but I’m starting to agree with one of my literary idols, Mark Twain, who said….. “The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog!”

Well, you’ll have to excuse me now, I’m off to bankruptcyville . If you would like to help me pay for my recent trip (or the upcoming jaunt to Belize) please send cash in a brown paper bag. (No coins, please.) I will send you a charitable donation receipt for the I.R.S. (But don’t blame me if you get audited!) We’d both be better off if you just ordered a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT or MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

Have a safe and happy week….. Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

P.S. I almost forgot to welcome Ms. Maggie Baum-Wilson to my blog! Welcome aboard, young lady. I look forward to meeting you when you get home!

May 16, 2013

BONUS BLOG (DUE TO BOURBON!)

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GERMS (Shecky Greene, 1965) HOW DO YOU LIKE THE CATSKILLS? THE CHEF MAKES FOOD FIT FOR A KING! (HERE, KING, HERE KING….. ) Since I have consumed a copious amount of Kentucky Bourbon (In South Carolina!) I have decided to compose a “bonus blog,” which proves that man does not live by bread (pudding) laced with rum alone! So…. here’s what happened today…

The morning began with the consumption of the WORLD’S BEST almond croissant and fresh brewed French roast coffee. Shortly thereafter, Miss Daisy and I meandered over to the Charleston Museum, one of the finest museums in the South. I got to view the H.L. Hunley submarine, the Confederate submarine that was the VERY FIRST sub to sink a ship! (A Yankee carpetbagger that was blockading Charleston Harbor!) The sub sank in 1864, killing Mr. Hunley and seven other crewmen. It was brought up in 2000 and fully restored to its natural splendor. (Truly incredible.) What a treat to view this historic vessel.

Another treat came at lunchtime….. a mini-feast of Southern vegetables at Jestine’s Country Kitchen. OMG, the okra and collard greens were incredible. After lunch we toured one of the historic homes of Charleston, a Winnebago parked on Meeting Street. (Just Kidding!) We went to the amazing pre-Civil War home of Joseph Manigault. (Ever hear of the “Manigault Line?”) Wait a minute, I think that was the Marginot Line. Never mind, I was just joking. (Have I used this “line” before?)

The Manigault family was one of the founding families of Charleston, and all of the streets in the area are named after their children! (Except Main Street, who was named after their most important cousin.) Naturally, they were of Huguenot descent, and they made a fortune selling rice. (One of them became Jewish and sold “converted rice.”) His name was Shecky Manigault, and he wasn’t fat, just a little “puffy.” I think he became a “colonel” during the Civil War.

This evening we dined with a prominent Charleston physician and his lovely family. (Another amazing meal at the Hominy Grill.) Try to envision a perfect Mint Julep, followed by fried green tomatoes, homemade biscuits, collard greens, red beans and rice, and the best tasting piece of cornmeal crusted grouper with shrimp gravy in the UNIVERSE! I am almost (key word, “almost”) embarrassed to admit this, but Miss Daisy and I actually split a piece of buttermilk pie for dessert!

In the immortal words of Oscar Wilde, “I can resist anything but temptation!”

We leave for Jacksonville and then Boca Raton tomorrow….. so look for the continuing adventures of “The Galloping Gourmet” and his faithful sidekick, “Crazy Daisy” in the days ahead….. May the force (and the Alka-Seltzer) be with you!

Col. Rufus T. Firefly, N.U.T. (a/k/a Doc Yanoff)

May 13, 2013

TUPELO IS TOO MUCH!

DO YOU REMEMBER THIS SONG? “TOO MUCH?”

THE SONG WAS RECORDED BY ELVIS PRESLEY AND RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC ON SEPTEMBER 2, 1956….. It quickly became a number one hit across the nation, but after today, I am convinced that the song was written about my book tour! Why, you ask? Because today was simply incredible! We began the day by meeting Miss Ashley, a lovely young lady who worked at Starbucks. She was kind enough to give us the phone number of a relative who knew THE KING. (In case we wanted to ask a few questions!) Our first stop in town was at the Tupelo Hardware Co., where Elvis bought his first guitar! The young lad paid cash! No strings attached! (Actually, there were six strings, but who’s counting?)

Next stop, the Elvis Presley birthplace. The gift shop was happy to feature my first mystery novel, THE PRESLEY PLOT, and we got a private tour of the facility! Patty and I got to see some amazing sites, not available to the general public. What a treat! After a book signing/speaking engagement, we sold two cases of books! We actually sold every book we had, and we also donated some copies to the “building fund.” (They are building a new museum next year.) The highlight of our tour was a special visit to Elvis Presley’s birthplace and private chapel. OMG, was that interesting! Wait until you hear the delightful “ghost stories” about the King’s house! Fascinating stuff to be sure.

After a marvelous lunch (crab cakes and crawfish!) we drove out to the Priceville Cemetery, where Elvis Presley’s twin brother is buried. Talk about spooky places! Patty and I walked all around the grounds, but we couldn’t locate the grave of Jesse Garon Presley, the little lad who died at birth. (Elvis Presley’s twin brother!) When the sun began to set, it became incredibly scary, so we left. (Remember the part in my book about the Choctaw Bonepickers??) Some of the graves dated back to the Civil War, and there was absolutely nobody out there but us chickens. (Thus we “hightailed it” back to the car before we wuz grabbed by a ‘taint!) Yeah, I’ve got some photos to prove how crazy we are!

After signing some more autographs in the hotel lobby, we were taken to a fancy dinner by some dudes from the Chamber of Commerce. They took us to the semi-famous Tupelo Grill, where we feasted upon the VERY BEST FISH we have ever tasted. (Fresh gulf coast grouper, lightly fried in cornmeal, and topped with a bourbon-pecan sauce that was simply amazing.) Good Lord, I am actually thinking about moving to Tupelo!

Tomorrow we leave for Birmingham, Alabama, and then it’s on to Atlanta, Georgia. The magnolia trees are in full bloom, so you can imagine how pretty and fragrant the world seems to us. (Patty is now introducing me as “Rhett” and I am telling folks that her name is “Scarlett.” Unfortunately, her last name is “Fever!”)

Well, y’all take care, and cum back and see us sumtime…. Until then, hush my puppies and grind them grits…. Love to all,

Col. Beauregard Yanoff and Miss Primrose Patty, C.S.A.

May 12, 2013

CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE!

HALF A LEAGUE, HALF A LEAGUE, HALF A LEAGUE ONWARD! (Why only half a league? Another major league baseball strike?) Who knows. CANNON TO RIGHT OF THEM, CANNON TO LEFT OF THEM! (Oh wait, those are toll booths. My bad.) Well, as you can see, my spring road trip/book signing tour got off to poetic and humorous start. (Surprise, surprise.) How so you ask? Well, my darling wife decided to wash my sneakers the night before we left. (She wanted me to make a good impression when we reached Tupelo!) My friends, sneakers take a while to dry. I won’t belabor the point, but let’s just say that the incident encouraged me to write a new screenplay….. “Honey, I Shrunk The Keds!”

I could have reacted violently, or “conversely” I could have let bygones by bygones. I took the high ground. (I left her at a hilltop rest stop!) Then I realized she had my wallet in her purse, so I returned to the scene of the crime. How could she ruin my new sneakers? Well, my friends, you are never too old to learn something stupid. Thus began our memorable road trip!

Our first (planned) stop was Baton Rouge, which in French means “Baton Rouge.” (Fooled you, didn’t I?) In English, Baton Rouge means “red stick.” (The city was built on the site of a tall cypress tree, redish in color.) It must have been a mighty big stick, and it certainly has affected the residents. (Most of them talk softly, but carry a big stick.) I often talk softly and perform a little shtick.

According to a recent article in Garden and Gun Magazine (one of the best magazines in America) the very best hamburger in the country is to be found at Fat Cow Burgers in Baton Rouge….. close to the L.S.U. Campus. Naturally, I had to stop there and see for myself. Patty and I ordered the featured burger, which consisted of the following ingredients…. A toasted “potato bun” with a hand ground 8 oz. angus burger topped with Benton’s apple smoked bacon, Gruyere cheese, caramelized onion, fresh arugula, sliced tomato, and….. horseradish mayonnaise! (Accompanied by thick, hand cut french fries!) The verdict? OMG. They were truly wonderful! (The draft Abita beer was also a nice touch.) If you’re within 1,000 miles of Baton Rouge, just go. You’ll thank me later!

Hey, today is Mother’s Day, and since I have the most wonderful mother in the world, I want to remind you to call your own mom and tell her how much you love her. If you can’t get through, call my mom. (But don’t call collect!) I already tried that, and she won’t accept the charges. (Hey, what’s up with that?)

Earlier today, I drove up to Tupelo, Mississippi in a VERY unusual fashion. I was completely naked! (Just kidding) I drove up on the Natchez Trace Parkway, one of the oldest and most scenic routes in America. The experience was nothing short of incredible, and I will go into more detail later. My God, do we have a beautiful country!

Well, I’ve been on the road (actually inside a car) for the last 6 hours, so I need to bathe and go sleepyville. I will write again soon, so look for my next post! If you’ve enjoyed my writing, just remember….. stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism. Stealing from a group of people is called research!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

May 5, 2013

SINGIN’ THE BLUES…..

Sadly, we lost the great George Jones this week. A big loss for those of us who love country music. As some of you know, I was born in Nashville. Back in the day, my aunts often took me to the Grand Ole Opry, and I remember meeting Mr. Jones backstage. He was always very polite, and as I recall, always willing to give some squirt an autograph. Did you know that his big song, “He Stopped Loving Her Today,” was recently voted “the greatest country song of all time?” Interestingly, Jones did not like the song at first, and he almost refused to record the darn thing. He thought it was too long, too sad, and too depressing! (Much like my writing career!)

Personally, I thought it was a great song, but not as good as the one and only country song that I wrote. (“I’ll Never Get Over You Until You Get Out From Under Him.”) My little tune was recorded by The Inbred Brothers, and even though it didn’t get much airplay outside of Arkansas, it was nominated for a Granny. (Similar to the Grammy Award, but given to a senior citizen.) What a treat it was to see my name in Billboard. (Actually, my name was ON a billboard, but that’s a long story, and I was falsely accused.)

NOW FOR SOME LITERARY NEWS….. Aberdeen Bay Press has received permission from my publicist (Invisible Irving Flakowitz) to feature my photograph on their worldwide webpage! Sooo…. if you are so inclined, or even horizontal, you can log onto their website and view photographs of me signing books in England and France! In all seriousness, this is very cool, and I appreciate the publicity.

Speaking of publicity….. I would like to publicly thank Mr. Ken Evans, a distinguished gentleman and world-class poker player, for purchasing 10 copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE last week! (They do make wonderful gifts.) I’ve noticed that a handful of Austin celebrities are also reading the book….. i.e., Judge Susan Marquess, Rich Walker, Leigh Ann Woodward, Barbara Talbott, Donna Simon, Christine Nickles, Paula Johnston, and Lee Bomblatus. (Some of these folks ain’t from Austin, per se, but who’s counting?) They are here in spirit! Thanks gang!

While we are on the subject of publicity….. My friend, Diane Fanning, who just happens to be an incredibly talented writer, is celebrating the publication of her 20th book! Quite an accomplishment. Congratulations, Diane! My other friend (I have two) Larry Brill, is off and running with his first book, and from what I hear, it is destined to become a huge success. (It’s called “Live@Five”)

I would like to remind my faithful blog followers that Mother’s Day is just around the corner. (Each year I send my own mom a card of congratulations for having me.) I’m not sure how my mom feels about that. (She likes to say “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong!) Still, I would remind you that we’re supposed to respect our elders, even though, as time marches on, it’s getting harder and harder to find one!

By the way, speaking of finding things, you might want to order a copy of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE this week. There are only a few copies left from the first printing, and the second printing, which will begin this week, will take some time to complete. (Your mom will be very disappointed if she gets candy or flowers again!) I sent my own mom two copies (I charged her full price, but I paid for half of the shipping) and I’m sure she was touched by my generosity. Where there’s a will…. I want to be in it!

Well, folks, take care and have a safe and happy week. The spring book tour begins this Saturday, so the next time that you hear from me I will be in Tupelo, MIssissippi! (Where the heck did I put those blue suede shoes??) Elvis loves you, baby!

Doc Yanoff

April 7, 2013

HEADS OR TALES?

Well, you can have both when you order a copy of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE! There is a colorful head on the cover, (I call it a “skulleton”) and inside you will find a thrilling tale of mayhem, mystery, and murder! The book, as you have probably surmised, is now available in paperback and on Kindle at Amazon.com! That’s right, happy days are here again!

Meanwhile, in order to keep THE PRESLEY PLOT front and center, I will soon be embarking on a lengthy book signing/speaking engagement tour, and my first stop will be at the Elvis Presley Birthplace & Community Center in Tupelo, Mississippi. Yes, my little hound dogs, yours truly will be speaking to the good folks of Tupelo on the weekend of May 11 & 12. Hopefully, I will also be negotiating a profitable business deal with the gift shop on premises. (I would like them to feature THE PRESLEY PLOT in the book section.) Soooo….. if you’re in the area, come on by and say hello. I will also be judging an “Elvis Look-Alike Contest,” so there should be plenty of levity and some memorable photography.

Shortly after I’m lynched, I mean, lauded, in Tupelo, I leave for my spring book tour in the (not so far) east. In conjunctivitis with Aberdeen Bay Publishing, I have arranged to make appearances in Baton Rouge, Birmingham, Atlanta, Savannah, and Jacksonville. Along the way I intend to sample some Southern comfort, and some bourbon, too.

My Dixie Diaspora will continue with a special guest appearance in Boca Raton, Florida. Whence I arrive in Palm Beach County I will be dining with “The Donald.” Unfortunately, I am referring to Donald Duck from Disney World, not the guy with the strange hair-do. The last time I had lunch with Donald Duck I got stuck with the bill. (“The bill?”)

The piece de resistance of my personal and persistent perseverance will be a ten-day period of peace and pleasantness in a perfect playground of pleasure. (No, not Paraguay.) The island of St. John! Now that I am a famous author, I have an entourage, so me and my posse (3 couples) will be heading down to the Caribbean for some R & R. (Incidentally, the would be “Rest & Rum!”) While we are there, we intend to soak up some rays, (which is better than stepping on them) snorkel, and consume a prodigious amount of rum.

Writing is brutal, but somebody has to do it! Besides, one must live for today. Need I remind you that Austin is number four on Kim Jong-un’s bombing list? (I blame those damn hippies downtown.) Little Kim is the son of Kim Jong-il, who I nicknamed “Kim Jong-mentallly-ill.” The young man, who bears a striking resemblance to the Pillsbury Dough-boy, is a tyrant. Do not be fooled by his recent meeting with Ambassador Rodman! Kim Jong-un is not a “Seoul Man!”

But I digress….. Where was I? Oh yeah, in the Caribbean. Well, after I damage my liver, I will make my way back to the Lone Star State and begin marketing book number 3 in the Adam Gold Mystery Series. (This one is called “DEVIL’S COVE,” and it is set entirely in the state of Texas!) Naturally, I will keep those cards and letters coming while I am on the road. Which reminds me…. Did you hear that a truck ran over Willie Nelson’s foot? Yeah, that’s right, he was “playing on the road again!” (Ouch!)

Well, take care, have a wonderful week, and remember to duck and cover if Kim starts shooting. Hopefully, we will meet again next Sunday! Love to all,

Doc (or should I change my name to “Duck?”) Yanoff. (I wouldn’t mind the change if I get “top billing!”)

January 9, 2013

* NEWS ALERT * YANOFF WEIGHS RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016! * NEWS ALERT *

HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE TO WEIGH TO BE PRESIDENT? Never mind, if I run, I’ll lose weight. Since I’m fed up with both political parties, I have decided to accept the nomination of my new political group, The Texas Iced Tea Party. (Our motto: WE ARE “COOLER” THAN THOSE OTHER GUYS! ) In honor of ELVIS PRESLEY’S BIRTHDAY (which was actually yesterday, but what difference does a day make?) I would like to share my very first (self-written) political speech with all of my blog followers. Please take a moment to read and digest (or throw up) my thoughts…… I think you will see that I am cut from a different cloth. You are, of course, welcome to send in your comments and suggestions (which I will ignore) or if you insist, you may make a large contribution to my campaign. (which I will spend on tequila.) So, without further comment, I give you a sample of my political brilliance……….

“ANYTHING WORTH WINNING IS WORTH CHEATING FOR”

(A Political Speech)

Good morning, my fellow Americans. In the words of another great political leader, I have come to bury my opponent, not to praise him! As you know,

I am running against a person of INFINITE worth, but I have vowed to conduct myself with the utmost DUPLICITY, even if my opponent continues to

act in a SCRUPULOUS manner. Yes, my friends, I intend to rise above petty, PARTISAN politics, and seize the high ground ….. where I can openly

DISPARAGE my INCONSEQUENTIAL rival. Fellow citizens, these are the times that try men’s souls! And speaking of trials, I’d like to mention that

I’ve been ACQUITTED of all those CREDIBLE charges that were leveled against me. While I don’t hold a grudge, I’d like to shed some light on my

opponent’s SALUBRIOUS background. In response to an IMPRUDENT question, he recently acknowledged that he was, in fact, a HOMO SAPIEN.

Furthermore, he confessed to engaging in HETEROSEXUAL activities since puberty! I shall not pass judgement on this NATURALISTIC behavior.

However, I think it’s important to remind you that my opponent has frequently engaged in social INTERCOURSE….. often at dinner parties, surrounded

by aides!

Recently, he was seen MASTICATING at a crowded restaurant in San Francisco! Later that evening, while EXPOUNDING on one of his pet projects, he

began to GESTICULATE before a group of Girl Scouts! Revealing his true nature, he offered to have a PLATONIC relationship with one of the scouts.

I hate to point out the obvious, but my opponent has become a PROPREIETOR!

Now friends, I’ve always been known as a DISINGENUOUS man, but I can only be pushed so far. Did you know that my opponent’s wife once held a missionary

position? Did you know that she was arrested for being a PROSELYTE? My God, the woman has actually written a pamphlet about religious SECTS!

As you might expect, her PIETY has led to a MONOGAMOUS relationship with her spouse. In my humble opinion this is nothing short of marital FIDELITY,

and can only lead to NUPTIAL bliss. My, how their poor children have FLOURISHED from this union. The daughter has recently become a THESPIAN, and

according to published reports, she is performing her little act in front of paying customers! Last summer, she traveled to Holland….. a country filled with dikes.

I’m told that while she was still abroad she became involved with a MENAGERIE, and would RUMINATE in front of caged PRIMATES!

Apparently, the son is cut from the same PEERLESS cloth, for he too has decided to ESCHEW promiscuity and remain in the company of CHASTE individuals.

Furthermore, he has enrolled in college and MATRICULATES on a daily basis, often surrounded by young coeds! I’m no saint, but if he EMULATES one of those

young ladies, he should be CASTIGATED!

Ladies and gentlemen, I know you must be shocked by these BANAL and MUNDANE activities, but I can assure you that all of my statements have been completely

FABRICATED and are thoroughly FATUOUS. I implore you to turn away from my opponent’s CANDOR and VERACITY, and cast you vote for me, a MISCREANT

who is undeniably VAPID. I thank you for your APATHY and indifference, and remind you to vote early and vote often!

GOD BLESSS AMERICA IF I’M ELECTED!

THE (SEMI) HONORABLE, STEPHEN G. YANOFF (I)

January 6, 2013

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

(AND I DON’T MIND IF YOU STAND UP AND SHOUT IT!)

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure (and more money) to inform you that Aberdeen Bay Publishing has just (yesterday) agreed to publish…… my second mystery novel!

Yes, it’s true! The second “Adam Gold Mystery” will be available to the general public (and certain penal institutions) on or about MARCH 1, 2013!

For those of you on the Pulitzer Committee, the name of this book is…… MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. As some of you know, Maiden Lane is located in the Financial District of Lower Manhattan. In fact, the lovely lane is right around the corner from my old insurance office on John Street. Maiden Lane has quite a checkered past (much like my high school girlfriend) but is most famous for two things…… being in the heart of the “high risk” insurance neighborhood, and being the home of Captain Kidd, the famous American pirate.

AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF PIRATES……. I shall now share with you the exact “book cover blurb” that will appear on the back cover of the new book…. right above my new and improved photograph….. (Let me know if it grabs your attention!) If so, you can grab the book on Amazon.com when it becomes available……. All right, here goes…….

“WHILE EXCAVATING A VACANT LOT IN LOWER MANHATTAN, WORKERS UNEARTH A 300-YEAR-OLD SKELETON AND SOME COINS THAT MIGHT BE PART OF A PIRATE TREASURE. THE DISCOVERY HALTS THE CONSTRUCTION OF A SKYSCRAPER, DRAWING THE IRE OF CORRUPT POLITICIANS, GREEDY DEVELOPERS, AND THE MAFIA. IT ALSO ATTRACTS THE ATTENTION OF A MYSTERIOUS YOUNG WOMAN WHO CLAIMS TO BE A DESCENDANT OF A FAMOUS PIRATE….. A WOMAN WHO IS WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HER HANDS ON THE TREASURE!”

Well, there you have it. The cover is in the “design phase” as we speak, and will be a bold presentation of color and content. (Much like me) If I get an opportunity, I will post some of the first designs to give my blog followers a sense of how a fiction book is put together. I think you will find the process quite interesting.

AND NOW FOR SOME OTHER NEWS……. CONGRATULATIONS to Ms. Rebecca Lee Yanoff, who has a brand new position in Austin. A commercial development project coordinator for a prestigious local firm that is about to build the very first “high end” luxury day spa in the city! Rebecca’s responsibilities are numerous, and in order to build an authentic Japanese facility, the firm is sending her (and the marketing genius) to ………. Hawaii and Japan! Yep, you read that right. My little girl will be spending four or five days in MAUI (Wowee!) and then fly to TOKYO AND OSAKA to interview some of the leading Asian spa owners on the island. The idea is to see and learn what makes a world-class facility. When the Austin project is complete, they want Rebecca to manage (and partially own!) the spa. So…… hooray for Rebecca-san! (But remember, no blow fish!)

A big shout out and congratulations also to Mr. Adam Zell…… the First Place Winner of the “River Place New Year Poker Championship!” Adam played very well and beat some terrific poker players (including me!) on his way to the final heads-up competition. It was looking grim until the lad got lucky on the river and pulled a Jack of clubs, giving him a very sweet flush! He won a substantial amount of money. (None of which he shared with me!) What’s up with that?

More congratulations to one of my long-time blog followers……. Mrs. Rita York-Hennecke…… the beautiful daughter of the beautiful Portuguese Princess Helena Bomblatus. Rita has recently discovered that she is “with child,” as they say in Kansas. Her pregnancy is wonderful news! I’m sure she will have a gorgeous baby. (If she has a boy, I think “Stephen” would be a wonderful name. Just saying.) Best wishes to Rita and Mike!

FOR MY ADORING ELVIS FANS……. (OR SHOULD I SAY, “ADORABLE”) ……. DID YOU KNOW…… That on this day in 1957, Elvis made the last of his three appearances on the Ed Sullivan Show? (Which was filmed at the Maxine Elliot Theatre on W. 39th Street.) I used to go there when I was a youngster, but I missed this show. Too bad. The King sang “Hound Dog.” “Don’t Be Cruel,” “Love Me Tender,” and “Heartbreak Hotel.” Wow! Imagine hearing the big guy sing all four of those classics! (By the way, this is the infamous performance where the network would only film Elvis from the waist up!) Just think of how far we’ve come (descended) from those days! Now all television is a “waist.” (Waste) Incidentally, after the show, which was a “really big show,” Elvis took the midnight train home to Memphis! Well, at least he was on the “right track” back then! Amusing to think that there were no flights to Memphis at the time.

In closing, I would like to tell you that THE PRESLEY PLOT has now been purchased (and hopefully read!) in 40 different countries around the globe! God Bless the internet! We should all be grateful to Al (Jazeera) Gore for inventing the darn thing in his spare time. Thanks to the world wide web, great literature (and my books) can be shared with uneducated heathens and unrepentant criminals in all four corners of the globe! (By the way, how can a globe have corners? The dang thing is round! Just saying.)

Well, I wish you a happy and healthy week and a wonderful post-New Year period. Drop me a line when you can, and thanks again for following my weekly rant.

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

December 16, 2012

DRIBS AND DRABS…..

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRIB AND A DRAB?? (Me neither) Well as they say in guitar class, don’t fret. They basically mean the same thing. (“A small drop”) Some folks think that the word “Drib” is short for “Dribble.” They are wrong. You can’t get much shorter than a drib. And by the way, speaking of shortening words…. How come the word “Abbreviation” is so darn long? Does that make sense to you? (Me neither) Such is the English language, which just happens to be one of 2,700 languages in the world. (Composed of roughly 750,000 words!) Oddly enough, I can only spell 10% of them. Bummer dude.

AND NOW FOR SOME DRIBS AND DRABS……. I had my hour-long telephone interview with AMAZON BOOK CLUB on Monday. The conversation went very well and the good folks at Amazon will be dedicating a FULL PAGE to THE PRESLEY PLOT sometime in the next week or two. (I will keep you informed.) They intend to run a full book cover, my photo, and a lengthy review of the book. The Amazon Book Page will be sent to….. 100,000 websites across the world! I am very excited about this development. Book sales should swell. (Along with my ego!)

Playing under the nom de plume of “THE COBRA,” I entered a huge poker tournament this past week. The prizes were substantial (But I am loath to mention the amounts, due to my recent I.R.S. Blog followers) and as usual, I made a fine and slithering show of myself. I placed SECOND, and would have won if not for a damn “river king.” Ah well, I still had a great time and raked in some moola. (Do cows ever rake in “moo-la?”) Just asking.

Ravi Shankar passed away this week. The New York Times (a commie rag) described him as a “prolific sitarist,” but I don’t think he was that clever or funny. The lad was 92, which meant that he “strung us along” for many years. (So much for satire.) Speaking of the Times, do you guys remember William Satire, the columnist? Now he was clever and funny.

Hilary Clinton must be writing a book, too. I heard she fell down and came up with a conclusion. (She should quit while she’s still “ahead.”)

I just finished my third mystery novel yesterday! (Titled….. “DEVIL’S COVE.”) The tale is centered around the planned theft of the Gutenberg Bible from the Ransom Center in Austin. After I finished it, I realized that I could write a “healthier” sequel for folks on a special diet. In the second book, the bad guys would try to steal a “Guten-free Bible” made of protein-less wheat! (They hope to get a lot of “dough” for the book.) Do this sound like an interesting “slice” of life? Will Adam Gold “rise” to the occasion? Will he protect the “upper crust” of society? These, and many other bad puns, await my dedicated followers!

A word to some of those followers…… Our thoughts and prayers go out to my great friend Max Talbott, who is now in Indiana handling a family situation. God’s speed, cousin! Happy belated birthday to a brilliant and beautiful lady named Christine Nickles! (One of my oldest and dearest friends!) Hard to believe she’s sixty. (That means I’m getting older, too!) A big kiss to Miss Rebecca Lee. (Suffering from allergies) I hope you are feeling better today! A huge “Thank You” to the Fort Worth chapter of the Presley fanatics. They purchased a large amount of books recently. If you need some autographs, just let me know and I’ll meet you at the Stockyards! (And buy you a big steak!)

SPEAKING OF ELVIS PRESLEY…… On this day, in 1956, The King made his 50th (and final) appearance on “Louisiana Hayride.” And more importantly…… Elvis must have been a little chilly, because he was just about to be contacted by his local “draft board!” (You’re in the Army now!) One last item….. also on this day, in 2004, Lisa Marie Presley announced that she would keep Graceland, but sell the bulk of the Elvis estate. (Which she did, for….. $100,000,000!) Not bad for a hillbilly singer.

Well, I hope I have brought some cheer into your lives. (This has been a rough week for a lot of us.) Please take good care of yourselves and have a wonderful week. (As the Jewish gastroenterologist once said….. “This too shall pass!”)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff