July 31, 2016

DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL!

Unless you need to turn to WTAN radio (1340 on your dial) in Tampa, Florida. Why? Because yours truly will soon be featured on the “American Authors’ Show,” a highly entertaining program hosted by the great Jack Drucker. WTAN is known locally (in Pinellas County, Florida) as “Tan Talk,” and it is one of the most popular stations in the country. (You can pick it up coast to coast) On August 23, Mr. Drucker and I will be discussing my newest mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY. Listeners can also call in during the interview, so if you’re one of them, please ask me a simple question! (i.e., “What is the meaning of life?”)

I’m actually thrilled to be invited back to the program, as this show is just about the most popular radio show in the nation. (Featuring authors, books, and upcoming television and film projects.) They have a national following, which produces an enormous amount of publicity for a new book. If you miss the interview, don’t worry, my entire “performance” will be available on a podcast shortly after the original program is heard. (The podcast is free, but you should still send me a few thousand dollars to cover the cost of my trip to Florida.)

Speaking of Florida….. I’m off (again) to the Sunshine State to conduct the above interview, sign some books, and visit some family and friends. One more visit this year and I think I’ll be a legal resident of the state! I guess I shouldn’t complain. (WTAN might have been located in Arkansas… or Vermont!) If you’re from those states, I’m just kidding. I love razorbacks (whatever they are) and simply adore maple syrup. In fact, when I eat pork, I like to smother the meat with syrup. (Anybody falling for this routine?) If you can fake authenticity, you’ve got it made!

And since we’re on the subject of authenticity… Do you believe that our beloved “Sesame Street” is now being produced on HBO? Uh-oh, that could spell trouble. (t-r-o-u-b-l-e) HBO might try to offer a more accurate portrayal of the life of a mentally ill homeless cookie monster living in a trash can! Yikes, what if they go nuts over there? Imagine Bert and Ernie dealing with profanity, gritty realism, and graphic sex scenes. (The kids should have to wait until they go to school to see that stuff!)

Several hundred blog followers (actually 5 people) have asked for a drop of information about the island of Malta, and its lovely capital of Valetta. The city is quite fascinating, and contains buildings dating back to the 16th century, when the joint was ruled by the Knights of Malta. (Valetta became a World Heritage Site in 1980.) The island of Gozo is part of Malta, and is best known for scenic hills and gorgeous beaches. (Gozo is one of the top scuba diving spots on earth.) Gozo’s most prominent “claim to fame” is a magnificent stone arch known as The Azure Window. A great dive spot on the western side of the island. Hopefully, I shall post some photographs of this lovely place at the end of this blog. With my limited abilities, you never know!

Finally, I have a small favor to ask… If you’ve read my latest mystery, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, and you enjoyed the book, please leave a nice review on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, or Goodreads. As I’ve mentioned before, good reviews produce more advertising dollars from the publisher, and in these tough economic times, every penny counts. Your efforts will be greatly appreciated, and you will have a much better chance of getting into heaven later on. (I know some people in VERY high places!)

Well, my dear friends, have a safe and superfluous week. And be careful out there!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

***** Naughty photos attached! ***** (just kidding)

September 20, 2015

“THE PIRATE PATH” MAKES HISTORY!

Do you realize that yesterday (Saturday) was “Talk Like A Pirate Day?” Aye, ’tis true, me hearties. Shiver my timbers if somebody didn’t create a brand new holiday in order to celebrate my second mystery novel. (The Pirate Path) Well, at least I think that’s why they created the new holiday. What other reason could there possibly be? In any case, in order to celebrate the audacious occasion, I took my matey to a fancy pirate-like restaurant… Long John Silver’s. We ordered some special pirate-like grub and some rum. Check this out… the restaurant was selling corn on the cob for ….. “A-buck-an-ear!” (Ouch!)

Speaking of books… The National Book Awards were recently announced, and I’m proud to report that my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECON MOURNING, was almost nominated. (My mother forgot to return the nomination form.) I’m not too upset. Last year she returned the form but misspelled my name. (She nominated Stephen “King” by accident.) By the way, the winner of last week’s book contest was Angelo Petraglino from Rome, Italy. (The bridge photograph on the cover of THE PIRATE PATH was taken in Istanbul, Turkey.) Congratulations, Angelo. Your book is in the mail.

So what else is new? Well, I just read that Kellogg’s Cereal was planning to donate millions of dollars to an African charity, but now they’re hesitating… Tony the Tiger was apparently gunned down by a Minnesota dentist!

I just finished reading Hillary Clinton’s 45-page plan to be more spontaneous. (As the old cowboy said, it was a “spur of the moment” decision.)

Did you watch the Miss America Contest? Miss Georgia was crowned “Miss America.” Miss Kentucky was chosen “Least Cooperative.” (I refuse to explain these lame jokes!)

NBC just announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as the host of “Celebrity Apprentice.” I don’t think Trump is going to be too happy when he learns that he’s being replaced by an immigrant with an anchor baby!

On the home front… If I seem a little testy, it’s because I overslept and missed my exercise class this morning. This is the fifteenth year in a row that’s happened. My wife made me join “Orange Fitness.” I only agreed because I thought she said “Orange Julius,” which is one of my favorite health food drinks. Thank God the parking lot is usually filled. (Good excuse to come back home for a beer.) Hey, by the way, do you have to be pregnant to park in a “delivery zone?”

Speaking of deliveries… I will soon be on my way east, bound for Florida and another highly anticipated book tour/road show. I will post my official itinerary next week, in case you want to rob my house while I’m gone. If you do break in, please remember to flush the toilets and feed the pit bulls. (And watch those pesky land mines!)

In case you’re wondering, the next “Adam Gold Mystery” is currently being edited and will be published in early 2016. The book is titled “A RUN FOR THE MONEY,” and this time Adam Gold will become embroiled in an insurance claim that involves grave robbing and a Thoroughbred horse murder. As always, the story is basically true, and based upon an actual insurance claim handled by Mr. Gold’s real-life counterpart. (Me!) I think you folks are going to love the book. The pre-reviews have been phenomenal.

Well, me buckos, time for this old pirate to walk the plank and head to breakfast. I do hope you have a safe and joyful week. We shall meet again at high tide, or ebb tide, or tide detergent. You decide. I’m hungry! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff (Sometimes known by my pirate moniker, “Captain Kidder.”)

P.S. Any idea where or when the attached photograph was taken?

May 17, 2015

A DAY AT THE RACES…..

Well, I hate to brag, but once again I have shown the world that I am in the wrong line of work….. even though, technically, I don’t have a job. Why am I writing books when I could become a professional handicapper? Yes, once again, my favorite steed, AMERICAN PHAROAH, has won the big race! (And made me lots of money!)

Yesterday was the running of the Preakness Stakes, and my darling horse finished first. I noticed that there were a few “celebrities” in the crowd this year. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a front row seat. (Make that two seats.) He was slightly disappointed when he discovered that it was a “stakes” race, not a “steak race.” I don’t if it’s true, but I heard that the Baltimore D.A. indicted a couple of the losing horses, and two jockeys. (Heartless woman!)

By the way, American Pharoah is owned by an Egyptian-American gent named Ahmed Zayat. Mr. Zayat was forced to leave Egypt because of a financial scandal. (I think.) I might be wrong about this, but I think he invented the Pyramid Scheme. (Ouch!) I know, that joke Sphinx. What can I say, I’m in de-Nile! Tut tut, let’s move along…..

Did you see that Mitt Romney stepped into the boxing ring with Evander Holyfield? (They were raising money for charity.) Nice to see Mitt running again! (I’d run too!) I did some boxing during my misspent youth, and I was pretty good. Actually, I worked at UPS, but we still did a lot of boxing.

How many of you folks read the second Adam Gold mystery, THE PIRATE PATH? (O.K., you can put your hand down, Mom.) Well, if you recall, the book was about Captain Kidd’s treasure. Guess what? Divers just located some loot from one of Kidd’s ships! They found a silver bar or two off the coast of Madagascar. How cool is that? One of the bars was inscribed with the name of the pirate ship, and the discovery might lead to more treasure. I need to spend more time looking for bars!

Sales of RANSOM ON THE RHONE are growing steadily, and if the pace continues, this book will become the best-selling mystery that I have written. Thanks again to all you blogsters who have continued to support my writing career. In all seriousness, I couldn’t have done it without you!

Speaking of thanks, I’d like to thank my brilliant cousin Max, and his lovely and talented wife, Barbara, for hosting a very special dinner at the Steiner Ranch Steakhouse last night. Max was recently abroad. (No, there will be no Bruce Jenner jokes!) Barbara has been abroad for quite some time. Anyway, they had a wonderful trip to Europe, but it’s great to have them back in Austin.

Next week is book tour time, and we’re off to the sunny isle of St. Thomas and St. John, for a week of diving and thriving with the Princess of Portugal and her husband, Baron Von Bomblatus! Watch out rum, here I come!

On that cheerful note, I shall take my leave. (I wish somebody would take all my leaves!) Have a safe and prosperous week. And remember this poignant thought….. The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

April 12, 2015

A TAXING TIME…..

Well, my friends, it’s THAT time again… time to enrich the coffers of our Uncle Sam and deal with the Infernal Revenue Service! Which reminds me, what do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement? (Answer: A cement shortage!) Just in case you missed that one, here’s one more… What’s brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent? (Answer: A Doberman!) All right, enough jokes, lest I get audited. (again)

Did you folks watch any of the NCAA Basketball Tournament? I did, but none of my picks did very well. Of course, I still did better than President Obama and Jeb Bush. Obama’s mind must be elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran. Bush’s picks for the Final Four were Iowa, Iowa, Iowa, and Iowa.

Since we’re on the subject of politics, did you hear that Ted Cruz was arrested at the Port of Galveston? (The arresting officer told the press that he was just trying to “book a Cruz!”) Ouch! OK, how about this one….. President Obama has announced that his family will move to N.Y.C. after his term is over. Dang, that guy just can’t get enough gridlock! Apparently, the Obamas chose N.Y.C. because they’ve gotten so used to people trying to break into their home!

So what else is new? Well, in the field of “life imitating art,” the shooting incident in South Carolina comes on the heels of my recent visit. Incredibly, I actually had a chat with the police chief about crime in North Charleston, as it plays an important role in my new mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY. Kind of weird how these things keep happening to me.

By the way, several blog followers have inquired about my stop on St. Helena Island. I was there, primarily, to visit the Penn Center (which, as you may recall, was one of the first schools created to educate freed slaves after the Civil War.) and if you look closely at the photograph of the brick building at the end of this post you will see a modest church. Well, it was in this very church basement that MLK wrote his famous “I Have A Dream” speech.

And speaking of writers… the photo of me and another gentleman, standing near the marsh, is also quite interesting. The other fellow is none other than Pierre McGowan, author of “The Gullah Mailman,” a book about his father, Sam, who delivered the mail to Gullah residents beginning in 1924. (On horseback!) The book is quite fascinating and offers some remarkable stories of life on remote St. Helena Island. (Which used to contain about 18 rice and indigo plantations, and is hauntingly beautiful, and connected to many ghost stories.)

Oh, and since we’re discussing stories, several curious blog followers have asked about my recent 5-STAR book review. If you want to read the whole thing, and let’s face it, who wouldn’t, simply log onto ReaderReviews.com and follow the little icons to “THE SECOND MOURNING.” You can also download the review, make a few thousand copies, and hand them out at your local mall. This effort will be greatly appreciated (by me) and I am willing to chip in if your bail is set at a reasonable amount. Think of it as a sacrifice for great literature. Never mind, think of it as way to meet other felons.

Finally, I should like to mention that I was recently interviewed by Ms. Sarah Doolittle, a brilliant reporter from the Four Points News. Her in-depth article about yours truly will be published shortly, and if my photograph is presentable, I will post the whole thing on my blog. And speaking of brilliance, we had the pleasure of sharing a weekend reunion with the lovely and talented Holley Hendrickson, and her husband, Mike. (Mike is talented, too, but not as lovely as his wife.) We have known these rascals for 40 years! They never change, and that’s a great thing, for they are great friends. (I just wish I would have remembered to bring my wallet. Oh well, maybe next time!)

Well, amigos y amigettes, have a safe and wonderful week. I shall leave you with some more brilliance, this time from the mind of the great Asian philosopher, Confucius. The great teacher said….. “Guy who lose key to girl’s apartment get no new-key!” (I’ve been down that road before!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

April 5, 2015

GLORY DAZE!

Before I explain, allow me to wish each and every one of my loyal blog followers (all 17,000 of you!) a Happy Easter and/or Joyous Passover. I truly hope that you and yours receive the full blessings of the season. Spring, as you know, is a time of renewal. (and I am not referring to your driver’s license!) Actually, Spring done sprung on March 20th, but who’s counting? (Other than the IRS?)

I think I’ve asked this question before, but is a person required to pay taxes EVERY year? I’m glad I have two children. They’re taxing, but also deductible. Well, at least the new tax forms have been simplified beyond understanding. Hey, why isn’t Lois Lane in jail? I mean, Lois Lerner? Come to think of it, how come I’m not in jail? Never mind, let’s move on…

Well, my dear friends, it has been quite a week. (Hence the title of this here blog post.) On the day I left charming Beaufort (South Carolina) I was informed that my book, THE SECOND MOURNING, was chosen as a FINALIST in the prestigious Indie Book Awards Contest sponsored by Foreward Reviews’ Magazine. (Gold, Silver, and Bronze Medals will be awarded on June 26th at the American Library Association Annual Conference in San Francisco. (Nominees are required to bring their own water!)

Two days later, when we arrived in Atlanta, I received word that THE SECOND MOURNING had won the GOLD MEDAL in the Beverly Hills International Book Award Contest! The honor was bestowed for best book of the year in the History – United States Category. In presenting the award, the judges were kind enough to write: “Dr. Yanoff’s book truly embodies the excellence that this award was created to celebrate.” All I can say is Hooray for Hollywood! (And thank you!)

Incredibly, it looks like I may also be a FINALIST or medal winner in a third literary contest. (I will know this Tuesday.) I just received an amazing review from the contest sponsor, Reader Reviews Magazine. The judge/reviewer described THE SECOND MOURNING in glowing terms, such as, “5 Stars – a treasure of a book,”excellent story,” “simply brilliant,” and “a must-read.” (My own mother couldn’t have written a better review, and believe me, she’s tried!)

Several blog followers have asked me to address the highlight of my trip to the Low Country. Giving Pat Conroy some writing tips was fun, but the peace de resistance, was eating barbecue pork at Sgt. White’s Restaurant and visiting the Marine Training Base on Parris Island. As some of you may know, I spent several summers training with the SEALS. (At SEAWORLD in San Antonio.) Stop laughing, it wasn’t easy balancing that ball on my nose. I did manage one amazing feat. (or should I say “flipper?”) I trained some of the animals to clean up their own pool! (I received the “Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval!) God, I need to get a real job.

I did hear one sad tale while touring the Marine Base. I met a Marine D.I. (Drill Instructor) who had just found out that his wife was having an affair! Naturally, he was devastated, so in order to find comfort and peace, he had turned to religion. Soon, he was able to come to terms with the whole thing. He had converted to Islam and was now planning to stone his wife in the morning! Hoorah! Semper Fi!

For those of you who are still awake, I shall end this historical, I mean, hysterical post by wishing you and yours a safe and wonderful week! If you scroll down, you will see some lovely photos taken in and around Beaufort, South Carolina. (I have deleted all nudity, due to federal regulations and concerns about the environment.)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

March 22, 2015

THE SUNSHINE BOY!

Well, folks, here I am, enjoying the glorious warmth of the Sunshine State. (That would be Florida, NOT New Jersey!) I feel so alive now that I am back on the coast. I know it’s corny, but I have often thought of my mother being the clean, white sand and my father the roaring ocean. Of course, that would make me a son of a beach, but who cares? I love salt water, and since I have over 40 years of scuba diving experience under my (weight) belt, I feel right at home in the Atlantic Ocean.

Unfortunately, home is where many fatal injuries are sustained… and today was almost one of those days. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water in West Palm Beach, a horde of black-tip sharks showed up in the shallow water! My dive buddies and I counted over 600 sharks, which is roughly 599 more than I feel comfortable with! So much for diving and snorkeling. I even feel guilty about asking my wife to retrieve my buoyancy vest and face mask. (She only had to swim out ten or twenty yards, but I still feel a twinge of remorse.)

In case you’re wondering, I fell in love with scuba diving after watching countless episodes of SEA HUNT. Do you remember that T.V. show? Lloyd Bridges played a character named Mike Nelson, who ran a dive shop with his brother David, and their parents, Ozzie and Harriet. Wait a minute, I think I got that wrong. Never mind, the show was “all wet” anyway.

After our involuntary shark encounter, we drove up to Jacksonville, signed some books, and attended a gala dinner in my honor at a wonderful seafood restaurant called St. Mary’s Seafood House. If you’re ever on this coast, you must try this establishment. (Think incredible friend oysters and shrimp.) My little presentation was a huge success and we actually sold a lot of books. (I know that some of you, including my agent, Jesse James Lipschitz, are curious about which books sold the best, so here is the ranking….. 1. The Graceland Gang 2. The Second Mourning 3. Devil’s Cove 4. Ransom on the Rhone, and last but not least, 5. The Pirate Path

After dinner, I was asked to judge a wet t-shirt contest, but since the contestants were male, I declined the offer. (Been there, done that.) When I got back to my car, I discovered that the windshield was covered with bird poop! (The area is filled with egrets, and their cousins who are always apologizing for pooping on your car. They’re called regrets.) I fired a couple of warning shots at them, but the damn vandals have no fear of human beings. The next time I drive up this way, I’m bringing a cat.

Tomorrow we head for the charming town of Beaufort, South Carolina. If you want to check out my digs, look up the Rhett House Bed & Breakfast. I think you might find the history of this place quite intriguing. We have a Low Country Boil scheduled for dinner. (I sure hope the “boil” doesn’t refer to the chef’s body.) The following morning we head for St. Helena Island, and a full day of Gullah history. When you get a free moment, look up the Penn Center of South Carolina. I will be signing some books in the lobby, which is quite an honor, because this was the very spot where MLK wrote his famous “I Have A Dream” speech.

Well, it’s been a long day, and I am starting to dream about a good night’s sleep… so I must bid you farewell. Let’s plan to meet again next Sunday, whence I shall regale you with more tales from the Low Country. By then, I will be an expert on grits, gravy, and frogmore stew! Have a safe and happy week!

Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

March 1, 2015

RANSOM DEMAND!

NO, I’M NOT DEMANDING MONEY! I’m referring to the unprecedented demand for my new mystery novel, RANSOM ON THE RHONE. (Which sounds dangerously close to “Ransom Over The Phone.”) Anyway, the book is selling briskly (what else would you expect with these frigid temperatures?) and is well on its way to becoming another huge literary sensation. Believe it or not, the first printing has already sold out (thanks to my mom) and we are now on our 2nd or 3rd round of printing.

Soooo…. If you’ve been waiting to order a book, they are now available at Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, GoodReads.com, Kindle, and Nook. They can also be purchased at a large number of “brick and mortar” stores. If you are a fan of Adam Gold, and let’s face it, who isn’t, then you will love this new story. Here is the blurb from the back cover: “The theft of a priceless Gobelin tapestry drags insurance investigator, Adam Gold, into the murky and violent world of international artnapping – and a life or death struggle with the Corsican mafia.” There is more, but my publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz, thinks we should just “tease” the public, which be you.

I would like to ask a small favor of my 16,000 blog followers…. if you read the book and enjoy it, please leave a nice comment/review on Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com These kind words are very helpful to future sales and help attract advertising dollars from the publisher. Thank you in advance for your support!

So what else be new? Today in my mother’s birthday. Miss Hazel just turned 89! As usual, I sent her a “congratulations card” for giving birth to me. (See why I’m her favorite?) I’m not sure why, but my sister, who is three years younger than me, sent me a birthday card. She just discovered that we are not identical twins after all. Surprise,surprise. Anyway, I will be sending mom a discounted copy of my new book, assuming she is willing to pay for shipping and handling.

To make matters more expensive, tomorrow is my wife’s birthday! Yes, I’m buying flowers. Last year I found a great deal on some unused flowers from a local funeral home. Seemed appropriate, since she is always threatening to kill me! In my humble opinion, marriage is very educational. How so, you ask? Well, as the philosopher Emmanuel Can’t-Do once said, “marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree….. and a woman gets her master’s degree!”

Amen, brother! Hey, what did you think of the Annual Insomnia Awards? (a/k/a the Academy Awards.) OMG, was that a long show or what? The “Best Picture” award was actually presented on “Good Morning America!” By the end of the show the kid from “Boyhood” was living in a senior center! Where the heck was Bradley Cooper when we needed him? (He could have at least taken out Sean Penn!)

Speaking of celebrations… Last night we attended the birthday party of the lovely and talented Miss Melinda Perez. The Princess of Pressure (she works as a masseuse) held a gala affair in a most charming venue…. the train station depot in Austin. The building was an actual train station for many years, and is still in remarkable condition. Next door is a brand new beer brewery, and naturally, we got to sample some of their wares. A great time was had by all, and Miss Melinda is one lucky gal… she has an amazing family and lots of friends who love her dearly. (Including a semi-famous author!)

In closing, I would remind you to dress in layers during these long months of global warming. Winter has to end some time, doesn’t it? (I think Al Gore is somehow responsible for this weather, but I can’t prove it.) Why couldn’t he stick to the Internet and leave us alone? By the way, does “net neutrality” mean that I have to poke fun at Democrats and Republicans equally? (That should be easy!) Well, I must leave you now… I am sponsoring a clothing drive for naked soldiers in Somalia. I am looking at a photograph of their army. Very sad. I see so many privates. (Think about that and call me later!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. I promise that this will be the last time I post a picture of my new book cover!

February 22, 2015

OSCAR (MAYER) NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD!

Why the name change? Well, let’s face it, the auditorium will be filled with HAMS and celebrities who are full of BALONEY! I know that sounds like a “cold cut,” but they deserve to be criticized. They make too much money. Hell, Brad Pitt is so rich he taught his dog how to roll over – an IRA! Now that’s rich! I just read that Harrison Ford is going to make another movie. The guy just turned 70. The movie will be called “Raiders of the Lost Miralax.”

Since I am my mother’s favorite, I took her to see each one of the movies nominated for “Best Picture.” It’s the least I could do for all of the things she did to me, I mean, for me. For instance, when I was a youngster, mom let me lick the beaters when she made a cake. Sometimes she would even turn them off first. What a gal. Anyway, with that said, here are our “rapid reviews” of each film. (By the way, that word was rapid, not rabid!) The envelope please… and the winners are…

1. THE IMITATION GAME. (It just didn’t seem real.)

2. SELMA. (I saw the “abridged” version.)

3. BIRDMAN. (Mom got stuck with the bill.)

4. THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL. (The movie didn’t register.)

5. AMERICAN SNIPER. (Right on target.)

Well, in my humble opinion, these are the leading contenders. BOYHOOD was also a good film, but that bum Kanye West wants to make a sequel called BOYS N THE HOOD, so forget that. The film about Stephen Hawking was too theoretical. Besides, we don’t need a Hawking when we already have a BIRDMAN. Although, birds of a feather do like to sit together.

So what else is new? RANSOM ON THE RHONE (a true piece of artwork) will be available in about one week. The early reviews have actually been spectacular. If you love a good read, you will definitely enjoy this book.

Did you see that Starbucks is going to start a home delivery service? This will be perfect for people who don’t like to walk one block in ANY direction. Just have a credit card handy. Not bad enough that we have to pay $5.00 for a cup of coffee. Now we have to tip, too. (They know where we live!)

I just read that people who snore are prone to heart attacks! How can you sleep if you’re not prone? I don’t care about this news. I may suffer a heart attack, but I won’t lose any sleep over it. You gotta wake up pretty early in the afternoon to fool old Doc Yanoff.

By the way, did you know that Oscar attendees are not allowed to bring credit cards with them? No big deal. The place will be filled with plastic folks. (If you think I’m kidding, watch their faces!) Botox down to their knee socks. Personally, I fall asleep during the opening monolog, and when I wake up I like to watch real zombies, so I’m hoping they show reruns of The Walking Dead.

Well, boys and ghouls, that’s about it for me. Do enjoy the rest of your Sunday, and have a safe and happy week. As far as I’m concerned, the winner is ….. You! (For those who haven’t seen the new cover of my next book, feast your eyes on the photo attached at the end of this semi-humorous blog.) Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

February 15, 2015

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

Lots of cedar pollen, too. In any case, don’t inhale unless you want to become pregnant. Yep, it’s that time again… Valentine’s Day! Actually, yesterday was the holiday. Today is the day that smart people buy leftover chocolate at enormous discount. How much chocolate? Try 58 million pounds! (No wonder we have so many “cocoa puffs!”) Jeez, that’s a lot of candy. In case you’re wondering, we also buy a lot of flowers. There are petal pushers all around us! Red roses are the most popular flowers. (I give my wife “two lips.”) So, what is the total annual cost of this great day? Well, Americans spend roughly $450,000,000 per year to show their undying affection!

By now you might be wondering, who the hell was this guy Valentine? Good question. Not much is known about the old boy, except that he was a Catholic bishop and a martyr. (Martyr is the Latin word for husband.) You can thank Geoffrey Chaucer for creating the event that became associated with romantic love. During the Middle Ages, Geoff noticed that birds paired in mid-February, so he put two and two together and came up with our present holiday.

How we went from birdies to candy and cards is a mystery, but I love a good mystery… and speaking of mysteries… I am completely baffled by women. (You thought I was going to mention my books, right?) No sir, it is women that I find most puzzling. Little things seem to annoy the ladies. The other day I left the following note for my wife: “Honey, someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I thought you were a wine drinker?” So, did the old girl thank me? Nope! She told me that I reminded her of her favorite flower. (A bloomin’ idiot!) No roses for her! (My “two lips” are still swollen.)

I’m telling you folks, most women are riddles wrapped inside an enigma and covered with a Tootsie Roll. Still, last night’s special occasion meal was wonderful. I did drink a little too much, though. This morning I tried to login to my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don’t own an iPad! Who knew.

We finally finished the back book cover for RANSOM ON THE RHONE, so the book should be available in about two weeks. I will keep you abreast of the situation. Never mind, you keep your breast. I’ll let you know when the book hits the marketplace of ideas. Until then, I would like to leave you with another idea…..

Marriage is like a deck of cards. (Another poker analogy!) How so? Well, in the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade! Ouch! (The old bat just punched me!) The woman can’t take a joke. (Although, in fairness, she did take me!) On that pleasant and loving note, I shall take my leave of thee…. As my math teacher used to say, go forth and multiply!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. There is a photograph attached, and if you are the first person to identify the setting, you will win a free copy of THE SECOND MOURNING. Good Luck!

February 8, 2015

MR. (GOOD) DEEDS GOES TO TOWN!

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I am proud to announce that I have joined a wonderful new charity called “Project E-Book,” a group dedicated to providing FREE e-books to members of the United States Air Force! Consequently, all of my brilliant mystery novels will soon be FREE to currently serving members our military. Sooo… if you have family or friends serving in the Air Force, please let them know about this modest token of appreciation. (Hopefully, this will soon be available to ALL branches of our military.)

If you’re a writer, think about joining us in this noble endeavor. Please remember that this small sacrifice for our heros in uniform is a small consequence when weighed against the sacrifice these folks make on a daily basis. If you’re interested, please contact me for details about the project. Until then, at ease blog followers!

So what else be new? Well, we are still waiting for two famous authors to “sign off” on a back cover blurb for RANSOM ON THE RHONE. (Yes, they actually charge for these endorsements!) If we don’t come to terms this week, the book will be published without their glowing words of praise. (Just between us, who cares what Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett think? Neither one of them have written anything new in years.)

In other news….. Mitt Romney has decided NOT to run for President. He said it was time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner. Personally, I like Romney. He reminds me of the guy who comes with the picture frame.

Harper Lee, the author of “To Kill A Mockingbird,” is publishing her second novel after a 55-year hiatus. (She must be a slow thinker.) Anyway, the book is tentatively titled, “Mock Two: The Need For Speed.” If you ask me, the title is for the birds. What would you expect from an empty-nester? (Did those jokes lay an egg?) Apparently, she releases a new book every time the measles comes back. Connect the dots and you’ll see what I mean.

Did you hear that Tom Brady, the quarterback of the Patriots, won the M.V.P. award at the Super Bowl? He received a brand new pickup truck. I wonder if the tires were properly inflated? Personally, I think they should have given the truck to the guy most responsible for the Patriot’s victory. (Seattle coach, Pete Carroll!)

Before I forget, I would like to thank the good folks at Ohio State University (department of history) for adding THE SECOND MOURNING to their suggested reading list for incoming freshman. I hope those youngsters learn a thing or two about our wonderful country and its amazing history. (Hope springs eternal!)

Finally, in closing, I would like to briefly address a vicious rumor floating around the Internet. There is no truth, none whatsoever, that ANY of my mystery novels have been “ghost written” by Brian Williams! A couple of chapters might have been penned by Dan Rather, but I forget which ones they were. (If you find any misspelled words, that was Daniel’s fault.)

Well, my dear friends, I must be on my way….. tonight is a special reunion dinner with some dear old chums, and the event requires that I bathe and shave and change my socks. What can I say, ” a friend in need, should be clean indeed.” I think the great Asian philosopher, Confusion, said that. Please take care and have a wonderful week!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Attached are a few more photographs from my river cruise in France. (The locale of my new book, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.)

Books By Stephen G. Yanoff

Elvis Presley

DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL!

“THE PIRATE PATH” MAKES HISTORY!

A DAY AT THE RACES…..

A TAXING TIME…..

GLORY DAZE!

THE SUNSHINE BOY!

RANSOM DEMAND!

OSCAR (MAYER) NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD!

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

MR. (GOOD) DEEDS GOES TO TOWN!