WINNERS NEVER QUIP!

Thus, instead of running for President (and surely winning) I have decided to return to my passion of writing lame jokes.  Why?  Because the world needs to laugh more often!  Don’t try to change my mind, the people have spoken!  (Actually just one person, my mother… she reminded me that you need at least a billion dollars to be a legitimate candidate.  I was a little short.  Not really, I’m about six feet tall.)  Heeeee’s back!

Well, now that my political career is over, I can finally tell the truth.  I’d rather be king than president.  (Stephen King, that is.)  Have you seen how many books that guy has sold?  Well over a thousand.  He must be rolling in dough.  I guess I shouldn’t complain, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, has become the best-selling mystery novel in the state of South Carolina.  (Where most of it takes place.)  Make sure read the book before you go to Charleston!  (or any other city south of the Mason-Dixon Line.)

So what else is new?  Congratulations to Miss Amanda Garner, who won our last trivia contest.  (By three seconds!)  She will be receiving an autographed copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE, which I understand she intends to read on her way to Paris, France.  Good timing, Amanda.  Hope you enjoy the book!

Speaking of travel, the Princess of Portugal and her somewhat sober husband, Baron Lee, have left Lake Como and are heading to the Azores.  (Did you know that Perry Como owned his own lake?  I didn’t.)  Meanwhile, Judge Susan is on her way home from the Big Apple, which I think is in New York.  (They grow a lot of apples upstate.)  Safe travels, everyone!

As for me, watch out, Dallas!  I’m on my way (in a day or so) to “Big D” to attend a little function near the George Bush Library & Museum.  Day one will be spent on the campus of SMU, followed by a book club gig and private dinner at a publisher’s house in Highland Park.  Day two will be even more fun…  I am, for the very first time, going to the State Fair of Texas!  Yahoo!  I can’t wait to sink my teeth into a corn dog!  Have you ever seen the menu from the fair?  Almost everything is fried!  The most interesting dish is the “Dr. DeBakey Special.”   A huge plate of french fries smothered in fried bacon and melted cheese.   (Guaranteed to result in coronary surgery before you reach the parking lot!)   Sounds yummy.

And since we’re on the subject of food, I would like to thank the lovely and talented Miss Hannah for hosting a very nice dinner party at Napa Flats Restaurant last week.  Guests dined upon Cajun shrimp and gumbo, accompanied by some fine wine.  A good time was had by all!  (Miss Hannah is the publisher of a new magazine called “River Place Living.”)

Finally, since someone mentioned the above magazine, I would like to thank Mr. George Lowe for interviewing me for the December issue of River Place Living.  We recently spent several hours together, and George will be writing a lengthy expose, I mean, article, about me.  I hope all of my friends in and around River Place will support this new venture, and I look forward to reading some great articles in the months ahead.

Well, my friends, I must start packing.  The ACL music festival is just about over here in Austin, so I’m going downtown with my metal detector to see if I can find some jewelry.  Last year I found an 18-karat ring, but the woman wearing it refused to take it off her darn finger!  Some people are so pathetic.  Ah well, such is life.

Have a safe and joyful week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

*****  If you can identify all of the locations in the attached photos you will win a HUGE gift!    (Courtesy of Donald Trump)

 

 

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HOME SWEAT HOME!

AIN’T NUTHIN’ SWEET ABOUT THIS TEXAS HEAT, Y’ALL …..  Dang, it’s hot down here in Austin, Texas!  How hot is it?  (I’m glad you asked.)  It’s so hot the fire ants have opened up a Kool Aid stand!  It’s so hot the scorpions are crawling around with canteens!  It’s so hot…  Well, never mind, you get the idea.  Hey, before I forget, there’s an email going around offering Processed Pork, gelatin, and salt in a can.  If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT!  (It’s SPAM.)

So what else is new?  (Again, I’m glad you asked.)  Looks like Hillary Clinton is in big trouble because of her private server.  I’m not sure what that is, but I don’t think it’s a waitress.  I think it has something to do with a computer, and I detest those darn things.  Why?  (What’s with all the questions?)  Because somebody recently stole my identity online!  You know the most humiliating part?  The son of a gun returned my identity the next day.  He said that after careful consideration he did NOT want to be me!  Loser.

Check this out…  there’s a novelty store in Houston that’s selling Donald Trump pinatas!  Look on the bright side, something good will finally come out of the guy!

I see that President Obama went to a federal prison.  (Calm down, he was only visiting.)  I think he went there to discuss prison reform….. and spend some time with a bunch of former Congressmen.  Did you know that there are no Jewish people in federal prison?  Why?  Because they eat lox.  (locks?)  All right, that was lame.  I blame the heat.

On a brighter note, I am happy to report that the United States team recently won the International Math Olympics!  Who says American kids can’t compete with those brainy Asians?  Our juveniles are smarter than those dang foreigners!  Congratulations to the American team:  Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, Allen Liu, and their coach, Po-Shen Loh.  (I hope those Asian folks learned a lesson!)

Well, as you can see from today’s post, I’ve finally reached the Wonder Years.  (I wonder where my car is parked?  I wonder where I left my cell phone?  I wonder where my glasses are?  I wonder if I’ve used these jokes before?)  Oh well, time marches on, and it’s better to be in the parade than you-know-where.  Incidentally, copies of THE SECOND MOURNING are still selling briskly and the recent awards have really increased sales.  Amazingly, RANSOM ON THE RHONE is still one of the best-selling mysteries in France, so all is good on the literary front.

As some of you may know, we now have over 20,000 blog followers in 140 different countries.  That being the case, some folks overseas have asked if I would post a photograph of my home in America.  (No, they are not with ISIS.)  Well, since I aim to please, and appreciate my blog followers enormously, I am going to attempt to post a recent photo of my private abode.  (Notice I said abode, not commode.)  I might point out that shortly after this picture was taken, I had a reptile dysfunction on my porch.  A rather long, black snake decided to crawl through my legs as I was consuming a cold beer.  I have therefore attached (hopefully) a photo of this particular reptile.  By the way, this fellow was a non-venomous snake.  Very beautiful markings.  Quite tasty.

In closing, let me send my very best wishes to Ann D. in Round Rock.  Ann had a little accident the other day, but she is one tough gal and we know she will be back on her feet in the very near future.  We all wish you a speedy recovery, darling!  I look forward to speaking at your book club in September!  (Try to serve some lobster)

Vaya con dios, amigos y amigettes!  Have a safe and wonderful week…..    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Resident and reptile reproductions attached!

 

 

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THE PIRATE’S PATH!

Hey, wait a minute, isn’t that the title of the second “Adam Gold Mystery?” (Actually, that was THE PIRATE PATH.)  Anyway, the reason I used this title in today’s post is because I recently returned from “pirate country” along the Texas coast.  In pursuit of fame and fortune, I ventured down to the charming coastal town of Port Lavaca, anxious to meet and greet some of my loyal fans.  (It was very hot down there, so there were plenty of fans!)  I gave a short discourse (did you folks sign up for “dis course?”) to a group of prominent citizens recently paroled and/or pardoned from the local penal institution.

Just kidding about the penal thing.  (Why does that sound dirty?)  I actually spoke at the Old Main Bookstore in nearby Palacios.  (Which is a Spanish word meaning “palacios.”)  Great cookies and wonderful coffee, and some very nice citizens.  Then it was off for another engagement in Port Lavaca, which has the good fortune of existing beside a lovely inlet on Matagorda Bay.  Aye, matey, it was a good place to discuss my book about pirate treasure, because this is where good old Jean Lafitte buried some of his loot!  (I dug up several flower beds, but alas, to no avail.)  Nevertheless, I got to use some lame pirate jokes and a few gags about “booty.”  (I think the audience was ready to bury me, instead of treasure!)

So what else be new?  Well, if you happen to subscribe to a French newspaper called “Herald de Paris,” (and let’s face it, who doesn’t?) then you might have seen the pleasant article written about RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  The reviewer was very kind, and she gave the book 4-stars, which was much appreciated.  (I tried to “purchase” the fifth star, but she wouldn’t budge.  Whoever heard of a French person refusing a bribe?)  Say levee, as they say down in New Orleans.

Looks like Greece is heading for bankruptcy.  Hard to believe that the country that invented the philosophy major could go bankrupt.  Their prime minister is still optimistic.  I heard him say that the country will bounce back. (They were just having a rough 2,000 years.)

What else happened recently?  Oh yes, same-sex marriage was approved by the Supreme Court.  (I don’t use the term “gay marriage,” because ALL marriage will make you miserable!  Or bankrupt!)  Jeez, I hope my wife doesn’t read this blog.  (She hasn’t read any of them yet!)  Anyway, in my view the main difference between gay marriage and straight marriage is that in the former nobody complains when you leave the toilet seat up!  Just saying, dear.

Hey, isn’t Bernie Sanders too old to become President?  A reporter asked him if he was on Instagram, and he said that he’s sticking with telegrams!  I’ve heard that he’s so old that his Homeowner Insurance covers fire, theft, and Indian raids!  Now that’s old.  (So are these jokes!)  I see that Chris Christie gave a 20-minute speech in his high school’s gymnasium.  (Probably the longest amount of time he’s ever spent inside a gym!)  He was no doubt surrounded by dumb bells.  (Hey, I used to live in New York, so I’m allowed to make jokes about New Jersey!)

Since I’m being “crabby,” let me remind you of a great seafood restaurant down in Port Lavaca…  The place is called Art’s Fish House.  (A fellow named Art owns the place and they serve fish.)  That being said, order something called the “Big Pot.”  (No, this is not a Chris Christie joke.)  The dinner is a superb combo of shrimp, blue crab, and crawfish.  Yummy yummy.  (You can add something called “Dungeon crab,” or “Dungeness crab” for a few dollars extra.)

Well, my dear friends, I must leave you to your own devices.  Tonight is the semi-annual “Princess of Portugal Paella Party.”  I, being a world class bartender, am responsible for bringing several gallons of my famous “Faux Festival Sangria,” so I must be on my way to the taxidermy shop.  (I have a secret ingredient that they supply….  eye of newt extract!)  When you toast with my sangria, you’re supposed to say….  “Here’s looking at you, kid!”

I can’t “envision” a better way to end this blog, so I’m gone…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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THE HISTORY CHANNEL…

Today would be a good day to channel some history!  Why?  Because today is December 7th, the day that Pearl Harbor was attacked.  (73 years ago!)  President Roosevelt declared that the day would be “A date which will live in infamy.”  True enough, but I’m not so fond of April 15th either!  (I find that date very “taxing.”)

Did you know that one of my relatives was an aviation ace during World War I?  My great uncle Izzy was wounded during a ferocious dogfight with a German dirigible.  (Fortunately, my uncle and the dirigible were both filled with hot air, so this tale will have an “uplifting” ending.)  Uncle Isadore shot down the dirigible only to discover that he had flown off course and actually attacked one of the balloons at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  (Ever wonder why the Popeye balloon is squinting?)

There were other notable events on December 7th … In 43 B.C., Cicero, an Italian orator from Illinois, was assassinated.  In 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the Constitution.  In 1868, Jesse James and his gang robbed the bank in Gallatin, Missouri.  (Sadly, they robbed a sperm bank and ended up in a “cell.”)

Speaking of outlaws… my second non-fiction masterpiece will be titled, HELL-BENT IN THE HEARTLAND.  (The Tragic Tale of the Reno Gang.)  God willing, I will finish a rough outline sometime this winter, and then it’s off to the library!  I enjoy the research part, but it is quite laborious, so I might just make up a few things this time around!  (Just kidding.)

Last Thursday marked the annual Steiner Ranch Christmas Barbecue and Poker Tournament.  I played brilliantly, but didn’t win the dang tournament.  (They wouldn’t let me deal!  If they had, I would have done better!)  I ran short of chips at the end, so I tried to bet with pretzels.  No dice.  Anyway, I would like to thank Rich & Sharon Walker for running another great evening, and also Kevin Evans, who generously supplied the barbecue and beer.  A great time was had by all.

Finally, I am pleased as punch (fitting for the holiday season) to announce that I was mentioned not once, but twice, on the recent radio tribute to Charles Dickens.  (Hosted by the talented John Austin, the genius behind The Book Club radio program.)  The program can be found at TanTalk 1340.com.  I was honored to be mentioned in the same sentence as Dickens, but we do have something in common.  He actually wrote an entire book about my honeymoon.  It’s called “GREAT EXPECTATIONS!”  (Please, no jokes about Tiny Tim!)

Well, my friends, I must leave you now.  I am off to the senior center to do some volunteer work.  Hey, before I leave, do you know what they call an alligator in a vest?  (You’d better sit down.)  An “investigator!”  Adam Gold told me that joke!  Take care and have a marvelous week…     Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  Another admiring fan!  (Tough life.)

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HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

I think it would be fitting and appropriate to begin today’s blog by wishing all of you fathers out there a Happy Father’s Day.  For those of you who live abroad (that would be overseas, not as a woman) I should explain that today is the day when American children honor their dads by giving them the most useless gifts they can find.  These gifts usually include, but are not limited to, horrible ties, boxer shorts, heavy metal or rap music, and the always welcomed photo of your children looking like they have just posted bail.

Since I was my dad’s favorite (or one of them) I have fond memories of this uniquely American holiday.  If it was a warm June day, my dad would take me to Jones Beach on Long Island and we would do fun things together.  Just the two of us.  For instance we might play an abbreviated version of hide and seek.  (I would hide, but he wouldn’t look for me.)  Sometimes he would bury me up to the neck in sand, but he always came back the following weekend to dig me up.  (The only negative thing about this game were those pesky high tides.)  On clear days we would walk up and down the beach, and my pop would encourage me to collect some seashells, and as many Portuguese Men of War as I could hold.  Gosh, those were swell times.  (Some of the swells were over my head!)

Speaking of the Portuguese…..  Last night was my sixth birthday celebration, this one hosted by the Princess of Portugal and her hubby, Baron Lee.  (We do at least six parties to make sure we get things right!)  We were all delightfully surprised to encounter Countess Connie at the event.  Even more surprised to sample her world-famous rice pudding.  It was nearly the perfect dessert.  (Mine had a tad too much cinnamon.)  There were other guests, but to be perfectly frank, or Steve, they were just assorted riff raff from Steiner Ranch.  Nice people, but a little boring.

In case you’re wondering, my latest masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, is quickly climbing up the charts.  Unfortunately, the record charts, which is a bit puzzling, but still pretty cool.  By the way, my second mystery, THE PIRATE PATH, which is dedicated to my father, has just been re-issued due to popular demand.  Talk about good timing!  In all seriousness, this was a lovely father’s day surprise for me.  You know, I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but my dad always hoped that his first son was a boy.  Which reminds me, do you know that my birthday is the same day as when I was born?  Amazing coincidence.

Speaking of giving birth…..  I’d like to send my love and best wishes to Laura Talbott and Kellie Hogan, two charming ladies who will soon have a special delivery to share with the world.  (Laura is using FedEx, Kellie is going with UPS)  Our thoughts and prayers are with you, ladies, so hang in there!  Hey, I have a question about the birth process…..  Does it take 18 months for TWINS to be born? Just curious.

Well, dear friends, I must leave you now.  I am watching the 2014 Brazil World Cup Soccer Tournament.  Unfortunately, the dumb announcer has not said which country is hosting the event, but it looks to be a South American venue.  Then again, it might be Arkansas.

Y’all have a marvelous day, think of how lucky we were to have such a special father in our lives, and enjoy your week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  As a super special Father’s Day treat, I am attaching a rare photograph from last week’s book signing in Austin, Texas.  We were astonished to discover that Robert Stroud’s children (Stroud was the “Birdman of Alcatraz) attended the event and allowed us to take a picture of them.  (They were “perched” in the front row.)  For contrast, I have included a photograph of some normal human beings.

 

 

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HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY….. MAY 11, 2014…..

WELL, IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN…  Time to send my beloved mother a note of congratulations for giving birth to me.  Last year we took my mom to a gourmet luncheon at MacDonald’s, but since she had gained a few pounds, she got stuck between the arches.  Needless to say, it was NOT a “happy meal.”  This year we sent some Omaha steaks.  Well, actually it was ground beef, but I think she’ll like it.  Hey, you can’t eat flowers.  Is it any wonder that I’m her favorite un-incarcerated son?

Since we’re discussing “pick of the litter,” I am happy to report that the “dogs of war” have been returned to their rightful owners.  Yep, we finally got rid of Romy and Baker, the dynamic duo of dirty dogs that we were dog-sitting last week.  And not a moment too soon, I might add.  Romy, as you might recall, is a labradoodle puppy.  (i.e., a furry chewing and chomping machine.)  That mutt left her teeth marks on all of my furniture and some of my private parts, too!  (Let’s not go there.)  I LOVE dogs, but after 3 days with Romy, I did something awful.  (I tried to sell her on eBay.  Naturally, nobody bit…. except Romy.)  By the end of the week, I was searching for labradoodle recipes!  (Hey, isn’t that where the term “hot dog” comes from?)

Don’t worry, both dogs were returned unscathed.  (Which is more than I can say for my couch and crotch!)  In the end, I came away with a new appreciation and understanding of….. cats!  It may be a dog eat dog world, but from now on I’m sticking with felines!  (or clotheslines.)

I am also happy to report that copies of THE SECOND MOURNING are literally flying off the shelves.  (Especially in earthquake zones.)  If you purchase a copy and would like an autograph, just let me know, and we can work something out.  And please don’t forget to leave a nice review on Amazon.com when you’re finished reading… my mother will be very pleased.  (as well as my publisher.)

On a personal note or two, I would like to say “Happy Birthday” to my brother-in-law, Tim McCloskey.  (I’m not allowed to mention his age, but…..  he’s kind of old.  His first homeowner’s policy covered fire, theft, and Indian raids!  He remembers when Howard Johnson only had two flavors!  He was around when Burger King was a prince!  Well, you get the picture.)

I’d also like to thank Helena, Princess of Portugal (And her husband Viscount Lee) for another splendid feast, this one celebrating the release of THE SECOND MOURNING and the guest appearance of the lovely “Miss Julieta.”  Both were sweet, strong, and intoxicating!

In closing, I would like to remind you that you and yours are invited to join the fun at my upcoming Austin book signing and wet t-shirt contest.  (Just kidding about the t-shirt thing.)  The gala event will be held on Friday, June 6, at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd.  Show time is 7 p.m.  (The bookstore is right beside Whole Foods, which might be a good place to dine before the show begins.  They have lots of free parking.)  I hope to see you there!

Well, I must take my leave…  time to consume some biscuits and honey.  Remember not to take life too seriously.  (after all, it’s not like you’re getting out alive!)  Still, we should all make an effort to take care of our planet.  (Earth is the only place that has chocolate!)  Have a safe and wonderful week…..   Love to all….

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

“THE SECOND MOURNING” ARRIVES!!

WELL, IT TOOK A WHILE, BUT MY “BABY” WAS FINALLY “DELIVERED” TO THE PRINTER LAST FRIDAY!  What a sweet bundle of joy.  Looks just like his father.  500 pages of parental pride, now available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and a huge number of bookstores throughout the free world.  (And several counties in Arkansas.)  Yep, my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, can now be purchased by the general public!  Please, hold your applause.  On second thought, I think I deserve a standing ovulation.  Hey, I just “gave birth” to new creation.  (The heck with a simple ovation!)  After delivering 500 + pages I’m just glad I didn’t deliver twins.  (A two-volume set.)

Truthfully, the process was invigorating, but somewhat stressful.  (i.e., Try to imagine 731 endnotes!)  Nevertheless, my incredible discoveries are fully documented.  Personally, I don’t know why I needed so many references.  I just figured out that I’m right 97% of the time.  Who cares about the other 4%?  Not me.  After I finished the book, I checked myself into the Hokey Pokey Clinic in Austin.  (I wouldn’t to “turn myself around.”)  While I was recuperating I had some very profound thoughts…..  For instance…..  Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older.  It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror!

Don’t fret about your weight, either.  I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that…..  After all, 7lbs. 6oz. is just not realistic.  Thus, I have formally given up exercise!  That’s right, no more exercise for this author!  Look, if walking was good for you, the postman would be immortal.  Right?  Heck, whales swim all day, mainly eat fish, and drink just water….. and they’re all fat!  Nothing but blubber!  Just remember, my healthy blog followers, a rabbit runs and hops all day long, but only lives 15 years.  (A tortoise, on the other hand, moves very slowly and lives 450 years!)  Do the math, my friends!

I once saw a tortoise at a Shell Station, but that’s another story.  Speaking of other stories, Mrs. Emily Martin won last week’s trivia contest.  (German immigrants introduced the Easter Bunny and also brought over….. pretzels!)  Would you like another question?  Fine.  Tell me the make of pistol that Charles Guiteau used to shoot President Garfield.  (Dr. Max Talbott, my weapons consultant, is NOT eligible to enter this contest!)  One answer per follower, please.

ONE SMALL FAVOR TO ASK…..  If you purchase a copy of THE SECOND MOURNING would you please be kind enough to leave a nice review of the book on Amazon.com?  Favorable reviews translate into advertising dollars from the publisher, so you would be doing me a HUGE favor.  Thank you very, very much.

Well, I must run… tonight we are attending a special dinner, hosted by the amazingly talented chef, Mrs. Pat Cutrone.  (The “Legend of Lakeway.”)  I’m hoping to read the first 30 chapters of my new book (aloud) but the other guests might have a problem digesting their dinner!  (Which is why I always travel with a case of books and a case of Alka-Seltzer!)  Have  yourself a safe and pleasant week, and we shall meet again next Sunday!   Love to all…

Doc Yanoff