HITTING IT BIG IN HOLLYWOOD!

Well, thanks to my new book tour manager, Remo “Wrong Turn” Ronzoni, I am now something of a legend in Hollywood.  Unfortunately, that would be Hollywood, Florida.  (As opposed to that den of antiquity, Hollywood, California!)  I have just returned from a (semi) productive visit to the Sunshine State, and people in the Royal Palms Condominium Association are singing my praises.  Well, some of them are singing.  Most are napping.  The age of the average attendee was somewhere between 75 and the Jurassic Period.  Nonetheless, my lectures were received with great fondness, and some short intervals of snoring.  Since I am sort of a senior, I must dispense with further “age jokes.”  (Mainly because I forgot the punch lines!)

Florida was actually quite lovely this time of year, and I got to introduce one of my grand-daughters to the Atlantic Ocean.  (The poor kid got knocked over by a few waves, but let’s face it, experience is the best teacher.)  On this trip, I was accompanied by both of my own daughters, their husbands and children, and my psychiatrist, Melvin “Mind Games” Moskowitz.  (Let’s face it, folks, you have to be crazy to travel cross-country with a two-year-old!)

I went to Florida to pick up one of my literary awards, and more importantly, to visit my aging mother.  (Miss Hazel is 92 years old!)   We had a wonderful visit, and I was able to show my family the location of my soon-to-be-released mystery novel, CAPONE ISLAND.  Which, believe it or not, is located directly in front of my mother’s house in Boca Raton!  Very cool place, and a wonderful venue for Adam Gold’s next adventure.

By the way, my next history book is coming along great.  I already have all of the page numbers written!

Speaking of books, if you’ve read the first “Adam Gold Mystery,” titled, THE GRACELAND GANG, then you are familiar with the life and legend of Elvis Presley.  Well, guess what?  Today, in Switzerland, they are auctioning off the King’s Omega wristwatch!  This was the watch that was presented to him in February, 1961, to acknowledge his 75,000,000 record sales.  It’s diamond encrusted, but despite being crusty, it’s supposed to fetch a few million bucks.  (I emailed a bid, but I don’t expect to win.  Maybe I should have offered twenty dollars.  Time will tell.)

Before I forget, I’d like to wish all you mothers a Happy Mother’s Day.  Did you know that the ancient Romans (are there any other kind?) started this holiday in 250 B.C.  (Which stands for “Before Christ.”  A.D. stands for “After Dat.”)  They called their spring celebration the feast of Hilaria.  (Which was NOT named in honor of Hilary Clinton, and has nothing to do with being hilarious.)  In America, 1/4 of all flower bouquets are sold on Mother’s Day!  Personally, I don’t send my Mom flowers.  I send her a “congratulations card” for having me.  Oddly enough, she has never thanked me for the cards.

Lest I forget, our best wishes to Barbara and Max Talbott who are vacationing on the Big Island of Hawaii this week.  As I told my friends earlier, you have to go with the flow this week.  Next month they will be going to Teheran, for some sort of bomb shelter festival.  Not to be outdone, the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee are wondering aimlessly around some sort of Mormon-inspired rock park in Utah.  We, on the other hand, will be spending the next few days at my friend’s cattle ranch in West Texas.  My buddy owns 2,000 head of cattle.  (I have no idea what he did with their bodies.)

Well, since it was Mother’s Day, I splurged for a fancy dinner, and took my dear wife to her favorite barbecue joint.  (A legendary spot called “Stiles Switch,” in Austin.)  We chowed down on some fine vittles, and drank a few beers, and then I showed her a picture of the flowers I intend to buy her after Mother’s Day.  (At a 50 percent discount!)  To prove my love, I will also give her the box of chocolates that I bought her for Valentine’s Day.  Well, actually, I bought the candy last week, but who’s counting days?  I know what you chicks are thinking….. she doesn’t deserve a husband like me!  Who does?

If you wish, you may scroll down and catch a glimpse of yours truly enjoying my beef rib.  (I think my dish was called the “Fred Flintstone Special.”)  Check out the size of that rib!  Definitely a Texas cow.  Moo to you and yours,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

 

LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Yikes, this is starting to sound like my honeymoon!  (except for the action)  However, I implore you to remain calm.  The above headline refers to my recent foray into the wicked wilderness of Hollywood.  I parted ways with Brad Pitt’s production company after he dumped what’s-her-name, but don’t cry for me, Argentina, because I have recently been solicited (be nice) by a famous firm that specializes in oral gratification.  (Audiobooks.)  What did you think I meant?)

In any case, this illustrious firm wants me to read and record ALL six of my mystery novels and both of my history books!  This may sound good to you folks, but it would mean reading my own books, and I’m not sure I want to go down that road. No offense, Doc, but I wrote the books, so I already know what’s in them.  (I’m talking to myself again!)  In all, or mostly seriousness, I will probably pass on the offer for one reason…..  I would have to spend at least two months in Los Angeles, and there is no way in hell that’s going to happen.  (You need a crowbar to get me out of Texas these days!)  Still, it was a very sweet and generous offer, and maybe they can find somebody else to read the books.  Any volunteers?

Speaking of “show business,” last night’s show at the Lakeway Activity Center was marvelous.  This year’s theme was “Vaudeville & Beyond.”  The auditorium was sold-out, and for good reason.  Among the stars were two of my dear friends, Jaime and Gary Rubenstein.  Jaime has a voice like an angel, and Gary is one of my many, many comedy proteges.  Last night, Gary provided most of the laughs.  (Mainly backstage)  but he also did a fabulous routine dressed as a “mature woman.”  He looked simply fetching.  (But as I told him earlier, that would be “fetch” as in “fetch, boy!  Fetch!)

There were a number of (semi) famous Lakeway celebrities in the audience, including my publicist/booking agent/straight-man, Ms. Sheila Niles.  (and her hubby)  Mr. & Mrs. Larry Frieden, Pat Cutrone, Denise Williamson, and Barbara & Max Talbott.  These poor folks had to share the table with me, but they all survived the evening.  (More or less)  Congratulations to everyone in Lakeway who put on another great performance!  (Hopefully they will soon produce my musical comedy.  The play about President Garfield’s assassination.  Tentatively titled, “A STREETCAR NAMED PERSPIRE.”)  Should I have gone with “DESIRE UNDER THE ARMS?”

Incidentally, I will be dining with the Talbotts, Judge Susan, Baron Lee, and the Princess of Portugal this evening.  (Baron Lee wanted to go to Round Rock Donuts, but I’ve convinced him to try The Blind Squirrel Sandwich Shop.  (Believe it or not, this is the actual name of the place!)  They offer a lovely confit of beef brisket on Texas toast, and they have a dessert that should be called the “Dr. DeBakey Special.”  Ready for this?  Peanut-butter-bacon cookies!  Yuumy, yummy, I’ve got cement in my tummy!

In closing, I want to remind you that life is sexually transmitted, so be careful out there.  Then again, you might wish to view healthy as merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.  Depends on whether you view the glass as half-empty or half-full, or simply as another item I left on the kitchen counter.  The choice is yours, so take your time.  (What the hell are we talking about?)

Well, I must leave thee.  Enjoy your upcoming week, and if you get a chance, try to figure something out for me.  (I began to think about this when I was teaching at St. Edward’s University)  If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?  (Do NOT send your answers through the mail!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

MY COVER STORY!

Who says you can’t judge a book by its cover?  Not I!  In fact, I’m hoping that all of my loyal readers will judge my next mystery novel by its cover.  Why?  Because the cover will feature an original watercolor painting by one of America’s most renowned artists!  The “Thomas Kincaid of the Carolinas,” Ms. Lil Taylor, of Hickory, North Carolina!  The lovely and talented “Artist of Appalachia,” as she is known by her friends, has created a veritable masterpiece for the soon-to-be-released mystery, titled, CAPONE ISLAND.

For those of you who have not been to The Louvre Museum in Paris, Miss Taylor has created roughly 300 original watercolor paintings.  She specializes in birds, flowers, and sunset landscapes.  (Her sunset painting is the one that we are using for the front book cover.)  I will be posting a photograph of the painting at the end of this blog, so if you would like to get a “sneak preview,” simply scroll down.

By the way, if you happen to be an art lover (who’s this guy Art?) you can view her entire portfolio at the following website:  lil-taylor.pixels.com     Most of her beautiful paintings are for sale, and if you’re looking for a GREAT investment, you might want to consider purchasing one.  Some day all of her work will be hanging in the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  (Which is where they hung one of my relatives!)

So what else is new?  Well, last week was very “taxing.”  (My accountant, Jesse James Lipschitz, forgot to file my taxes on time, so I had to contact the Infernal Revenue Service and ask for an extension.  The bastards sent me an electric cord!  My friends, I now realize that people who complain about paying taxes fall into two categories…… male and female!  I’ve also figured out why the IRS does not audit cows.  (Because farmers have already milked them dry!)  Which reminds me, why don’t skunks have to pay taxes?  (They only have “one scent!’)

All right, enough with the IRS jokes….  here are some actual facts about those bandits…..   90% of Americans now file their taxes electronically!  (And you know how safe your personal information remains online!)  The IRS has about 85,000 robbers, I mean, employees.  Incredibly, only 200 of them are 25 years or younger.  These overworked folks (I’m being nice in case they audit me) process roughly 130,000,000 tax returns.

I don’t understand why they call them “returns,” when you never get anything back!

Do you know what IRS auditors use for birth control?  (Their personalities!)  The guy that came to audit me had no sense of humor.  I asked him to remove me from his mailing list, but he just frowned.  Which reminds me, somebody stole my identity last year, and then paid my taxes for me!  I don’t know his identity, but I think he went to Texas A & M University.  (The Wausau campus)

Moving along… last week’s engagement shower (sans water) was a complete success.  The Talbott-hosted event at the Austin Club drew a distinguished group of female ladies, and everyone had a marvelous time.  Thanks again to Barbara and Max Talbott, our dear friends and future cellmates at Leavenworth Prison.  (Is tax evasion still a crime?)

By the way, the San Antonio Book Festival was a rip roaring success for me.  (Thanks to my generous hosts and a few of the local bookstores)  I was the featured speaker at two private events, and we made a lot of new friends and sold a lot of books.  The Riverwalk is a lovely spot to hold a book signing and if you haven’t been there lately, you should pay them a visit.  The Little Rhein Steak House is still the best place to dine on the river.  The food and atmosphere are top notch.  (Being a vegetarian is a big “missed steak!”)  Mention my name, and they will give you some free bones.

Well, I must head out to the back forty for some yard work.  Spring has sprung, the weeds are tall, can’t this wait, until next fall?  Just kidding, dear, I’m about to sign off.  Drop that frying pan!  (But not on my head again!)  Have to run, so have a joyful week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

*********  FRONT BOOK COVER PAINTING BELOW! **************

 

 

 

LOOK INTO MY EYES!

You’re getting sleepy…  sleepy…  sleepy…  All right, maybe not.  Maybe you don’t suffer from insomnia (I have the reverse problem!) so you feel well rested.  However, did you know that 10% of Americans suffer from insomnia?  (For some reason, 13% of Canadians also have insomnia.  Might have something to do with boredom.)  In any case, insomnia is no laughing matter.  Thus, I have donated several cases of books to the National Sleep Foundation.  (Please, no jokes about the quality of my writing!)  These folks are in need of some reading material for their patients, and if anybody’s writing can put someone to sleep, it’s mine.

According to my contact at the foundation, more women than men have sleeping disorders.  (They probably spend more time dreaming about sales at the mall!)  Since my generous donation, I have learned some interesting things about insomnia….  (so stay awake!)  i.e.,  Insomnia is often hereditary.  (My children drove me crazy!)  Pets can also have insomnia.  Although, cats spend about 2/3 of their lives sleeping.  (The other third ruining the furniture!)  Almost 20% of marijuana users suffer from insomnia.  Humans spend 1/3 of their lives sleeping.  (With a few notable literary exceptions who are pushing the needle up!)

Actually, I think I’m requiring more sleep because of my age.  I’m old enough to remember when coffee was just called coffee.  Oops, I’m dating myself.  (Who else would go out with me!)  I’m not as old as my neighbor.  His first homeowner policy covered fire, theft, and Indian raids!  Was that a lame joke?  So Sioux me!

So what else is new?  Well, tonight we celebrate Baron Lee’s birthday with a gala dinner party at my house.  BYOB.  (Bring Your Own Belly)  The feast will include pheasant under and over glass.  Mushed potatoes.  Hairy convert beans.  Catcher In The Rye Bread.  And Half-baked Alaska.  Hopefully, nobody will ask for a glass of wine, but if they do, we have a bottle of Boone’s Farm Rose.  (Bottled in late March)

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.  I am one generous guy.  What can I say?  To have a friend, you must be a friend.  And speaking of friends……  I have been invited to a wonderful event on Tuesday, April 24th, at the new Post Oak Hotel in Houston.  Coach Mack Brown (the former football coach at the University of Texas) is going to be inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame!  A well-deserved honor for a man who coached for 30 years and won a National Championship in 2005.  (Beating USC in one of the best games in history!)

And since we’re on the subject of winning titles…..  I am going to tease you a little by sharing some information about my present literary project……  My newest mystery novel, titled, CAPONE ISLAND, has been accepted for publication even though I  still have 3 more chapters to finish!  This marks the first acceptance of an unfinished work for me, and I am thrilled to join the elite club of authors who manage to scam, I mean, secure a contract.  Seriously though, I greatly appreciate the vote of confidence.  (Now all I have to do is finish the darn book!)

In closing, I would like to offer a huge THANK YOU to Mrs. Barbara Talbott and Mr. Max Talbott for hosting tomorrow’s special Bridal Luncheon for my gorgeous daughter, Rebecca Lee.  Ms. Becky is getting married (in Maui, Hawaii) in June.  The luncheon will be held at the enchanting Austin Club downtown.  BYOB.  (Just kidding!)  The champagne will be flowing freely, and I’m sure the ladies will have a marvelous time.  (NO BOYS ALLOWED!)  Again, this is a lovely and generous gesture, and greatly appreciated by the entire Yanoff clan.  (Even by those family members who are presently incarcerated, and unable to attend!)

If you scroll down at the end of this blog, you will see a facsimile of the award that I recently received from Reader Views Magazine.  They were kind enough to choose my recent history book, TURBULENT TIMES, as one of the “Best U.S. History Books of the Year.”  Once again, I would like to thank the judges for this wonderful honor.  Well, time to close up shop until we meet again.  As Bill Shakespeare once said…..  parting is such sweet sorrow!  Have a great week…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

Well, thanks to the lovely and talented Sheila Niles (my new publicist) I had the pleasure of speaking to a group of wonderful, intelligent, and sweet ladies this past week.  No, I was not at Hooters again!  I was at a marvelous book club in Lakeway, and I spent an enjoyable afternoon discussing my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES.  The ladies (and a few gents) were enthralled by my oratorical skills, and mesmerized by my encyclopedic knowledge of history.  Then again, they might have been staring at my shirt buttons, which were not aligned.  (But very close)  Who knows.  Either way, it was great fun, and I thank Sheila and her incredible friends who were a super audience.  (And thanks for the champagne!)

After my talk, I went to the supermarket, and I had quite an experience.  This hot young lady kept staring at the items I had in my cart, and she would not stop checking me out!  Unfortunately, she was the cashier, so she had to check me out.  Still, I was somewhat flattered when she asked me how my day was going.  (That’s chick language for “I want to ravage you.”)  Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating.  (I do write some fiction!)

Speaking of writing…..  If you check out the recent issue of the MANHATTAN USER’S GUIDE, you’ll see that they gave me a wonderful write-up and spoke highly of TURBULENT TIMES.  (Telling their readers and the millions of tourists who use the newsletter that if they were interested in William H. Seward, they “couldn’t do better than Stephen G. Yanoff’s biography, published in April, titled TURBULENT TIMES.)  What a nice surprise, and it’s always great to receive some valuable (free) publicity.  My thanks to the folks in the “Big Apple!”

I’m staring outside right now, and believe it or not, I just saw a snake crawl by on my back porch.  (We have a lot of snakes in Texas.  More than Washington, D.C.)  Anyway, that got me thinking…..  It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake.  Hssssssss.

And since we’re on the subject of free publicity, some of you folks subscribe to an intriguing publication called Bookmad Magazine.  (One of America’s most popular magazines about all things literary.)  Well, my friends, if you’ll take a close look at the March issue, you’ll find a featured article on…..  yep, you guessed it, TURBULENT TIMES.  The book is generating a lot of “buzz,” so “bee-have” yourself and buy a copy!  (This one’s a real “honey!”)   All right, no more flying insect jokes.

When the world ends, I want to be in Arkansas.  Everything happens twenty years later in Arkansas.  (And the state is actually quite beautiful)

For those of you who might be keeping track of my spring book tours, I will be going east (S. Carolina and Florida) in May, and then it’s off to Maui, Hawaii for a week in June.  The summer trip is fairly well set, and luckily, it involves a return visit to Italy, Slovenia, Croatia, Greece, and Turkey.  I shall provide further details once I have them.  (and before you ask, I am NOT working for Interpol!)  The Mossad, maybe, but not Interpol.

Well, my dear blog followers, I must be on my way…..  Stormy Daniels is on CNN again.  Just remember, adultery is nothing to write home about!  And by the way, it’s okay to live in the moment, as long as you show up on time.  So there.

Have a safe and joyous week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

SEWARD’S FOLLY MAKES ME JOLLY!

For those of you who don’t follow politics, the biggest news out of Washington this week (according to the book editor at the Post) was the selection of the Finalists for the 2017-2018 READER VIEWS BOOK AWARDS.  I am happy to report that my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES, was chosen as a Finalist for “Best U.S. History Book of the Year!”  This is the seventh literary award the book has won, but this stuff never gets old.  I am truly humbled by the honor.

If I win the gold medal, I’m going to ask Stormy Daniels to pin the medal on me.  Why?  Because if she wins a medal, I’ll be able to use a great line:  “Hey, Stormy, what do you want, a medal or a chest to pin it on?”

Speaking of storms, did you notice that Finland was recently chosen as the “Happiest Nation on Earth?”  The article I read stated that the average Finn has sex three times per week.  (I wonder if the older guys have any trouble crossing the “Finish line.”)  Even if those numbers are real, I’m not impressed.  Why?  Because my wife and I have sex almost five times per week.  (Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, …..)

In a related article, some outdoorsman claimed that Moose have sex seven days per week!  When my uncle read the article, he quit the Elks.  (These lame jokes are mainly for my horny blog followers.)

Speaking of sex, (notice a theme?) I recently mentioned that the Austin Police arrested a gang of thieves who stole one hundred cases of Viagra.  If you recall, I described the gang as “hardened criminals.”  Well, I just found out that they were all convicted in  court of law.  Yep, you guessed it, they received ….. stiff sentences!

Moving on…..  March Madness has begun, but my number one tournament pick did not fare well.  I chose Yeshiva University.  (They won the NCAA Chess Tournament last year)  In any case, my money is now on Michigan.  (I don’t follow them, but they’re my son-in-law’s team.)  Go Wolverines!  (Or whatever they call themselves.)  I think they’re known as “Mishigas,” but I’m not sure.

The upcoming week promises to be a great one, as I have two book club appearances on the calendar.  One in San Antonio, and the other in Lakeway.  Thanks again to the lovely and talented Mary McVey and Sheila Niles for arranging these events.  You ladies are the best!

Finally, with sympathy and respect, I would like to acknowledge the passing of two remarkable people.  Ken Evans and Carolyn Haskell.  We lost both of these wonderful human beings this week, and coincidentally, they both LOVED to read.  They’d better have a darn good library in Heaven!  (My books are featured in the other place!)

Well, that’s about it for now…. today is “empanada day” around here.  (My job is to roll out the dough…. so what else is new?)  You folks take care, and have a safe and joyful week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

MARCH MADNESS! (PART 3)

Ah, Texas weather.  What a joy to behold.  Yesterday was sunny and hot (85 degrees!) and today is cloudy and 70 degrees.  So much for water polo.  Mr. Twain was right… everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it!  (He also said that golf is a good walk spoiled!)  I guess I shouldn’t complain, considering what my northern friends are going through.  (There’s no business like snow business!)

Speaking of spoiled, my wife has recently informed me that the Bible says that all men should make coffee for their wives.  (Look under “He-brews!”)  Even the devil can quote scripture for his own purpose!  What can I say, families are like fudge… mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

And since we’re on the subject of sweet nuts, the Princess of Portugal and her fearless traveling companion, Baron Lee, have returned from the former debtor’s colony known as Australia.  All did not go well!  I’m not sure, but I think the Princess may have found a lover!  She sent me several emails about Sydney, which she confessed to adore.  I don’t know who Sydney is, but he sounds like a pervert.  (She said something about enjoying down under, which sounds like a dirty sex act to me!)  If you ask me, they consumed too much Aboriginal food.  Would you believe that Aussie restaurants serve peanut butter & box jellyfish sandwiches?  Croc in-a-box burgers?  Wallaby wings? How about Kangaroo beer?  (A lot of “hops!”)  G’day, mate, not for me!

On a more delirious note, you might be wondering how I’ve become America’s most award-winning mystery novelist.  (Aside from the bribery thing)  Well, if you’re curious, you can participate in the 4th Annual Mystery & Thriller Virtual Conference, which is now enrolling folks online.  This wonderful event is sponsored by Writer’s Digest.  (Or you can simply “Google” my radio interviews @ “Books By Stephen G. Yanoff.com   Either way, you’re sure to enjoy the valuable insights provided by a host of famous writers.  (and a few wannabes from Texas!)

Since you mentioned books…..  I have a special surprise for all of my 65,000 blog followers…..  later today, or perhaps tomorrow, there will be a special press release about a major literary award heading this way.  I am not at liberty to say much right now, but this is a HUGE award.  If you’re on the blog, or I have your email, stay tuned!

On a more serious note, I would like to extend my condolences to the family of Ken Evans, who passed away on Saturday.  Ken was a great guy, an amazing poker player, and one of my biggest fans.  He read and enjoyed all my books, and he was always a great friend and supporter of mine.  I wish his family comfort and peace, and I wish my dear poker buddy pocket aces for eternity!

If anybody is going downtown today, be mindful that we (Austin) are hosting yet another festival, so the traffic will not be good.  Also, don’t forget that we are now dealing with daylight savings time.  You must remember to set your clocks back before you go to bed tonight.  (“Spring back, fall ahead”)  I think that’s the way it goes.  Maybe you’d better check that.

Finally, since I have ruined Australia’s reputation, I would like to leave you with some photographs of the aforementioned couple during their “brief fling” with Sydney.  I’m not sure what the owls represent, but check out the Princess of Portugal and her hooters… quite large….  (enough said!)

Have a lovely week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

******** OWL PHOTOS ARE FOR THE BIRDS, BUT STILL ATTACHED!   ********