Vince Flynn

September 15, 2013

YANOFF WINS NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE… DIDN’T I USE THIS SCHTICK LAST SUNDAY?  (I thought it sounded familiar!)  Well, fuhgetaboutit.  I never use a joke twice… unless I’m visiting my mother in south Florida.  (A lot of seniors in Boca Raton are hard of hearing, so I am forced to repeat most of my jokes.)  Do you realize that if the cities of Baton Rouge and Boca Raton merged the new city would be called Baton Raton?  Jeez, they would have gators and waders.  (There would also be some reptile dysfunctions, but I digress….. )

Speaking of awards (ones that I have actually received) my newest book, DEVIL’S COVE, was recently chosen as the “Mystery of the Month” by the Lake Charles (Louisiana) Book Club.  God willing, I will actually make it up to Lake Charles in the near future, and will be signing books for the group.  (Thank you for the honor!)

And since we’re discussing books and honors…..  It was my pleasure to recently donate some books (MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE an DEVIL’S COVE) to Angela Plunkett, a fellow member of the River Place Garden Club.  (The club that has added so much beauty to our community.)  Angela is a tireless supporter of a wonderful organization called the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.  (The books will be used in a gift bag at an upcoming fundraiser.)  Thank God we still have people like Angela who try to make the world a safer place!

So what else is new?  Well, my newest novel, THE GRACELAND GANG, is now with my new publisher and we have about two weeks of final revisions ahead of us.  The book cover is outstanding, and with the revisions and new chapters, I feel confident about the Pulitzer thing.  (Confident that SOMEBODY will win the award this year!)

My poker career has taken another unusual turn…. during the past week, I played in 3 tournaments, and placed third, fourth, and fifth!  I’d better stop playing for a while or I’m going to end up in last place!  Nonetheless, my fortuitous victories have earned me a great sum of money, which I will be donating to the S.S.C.F.  (Self-Serving Cruise Fund)

Last week I had the privilege of conducting a book signing in the lovely burg of McKinney.  (north Texas)  If you’re ever in that part of the state, you should check out Churchill’s British Restaurant & Pub.  Very interesting spot, and they have some great beers on tap.  (Not to mention Cragganmore single-malt Scotch!)  They also have other “spirits”……..  On the second Thursday of each month they host something called “Psychic Night.”  My aunt was a psycho, I mean, psychic, and she used to read palms.  (Lots of palms in Boca Raton.)  She wasn’t very good at predicting the future.  In fact, she was only “medium.”

In any case, if you enjoy psychic readings, then this is the place for you.  (They used to do Ouija, but folks got “bored.”)  You get it, Ouija Board?  Never mind.  (I’m predicting a few groans!)  Well, it’s time for me to dig into a cheese pocket, so I will bid you adieu.  Have a wonderful week and enjoy life!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

August 18, 2013

MEMPHIS IN MOURNING!

NO, THEY DIDN’T RUN OUT OF PORK RIBS AT CORKY’S!

Last Friday, August 16, marked the 36th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death.  Hard to believe, but the King of Rock ‘n Roll died in 1977.  Oddly enough, his passing is “celebrated” with an annual week-long festival known as “Elvis Presley Week.”  In mid-August, the city is transformed into one big Elvis event, and each year over 400,000 people show up to join the party!  Believe me, it is quite a sight.  (Try to picture several thousand Elvis impersonators!)

Naturally, copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT will be available at various locations throughout the city.  (One vendor is selling only autographed copies….. my signature, not Elvis.)  I don’t make a great sum of money, but the publicity is wonderful, and I get to meet some interesting characters.

Speaking of books, I am currently reading a book about anti-gravity.  (I just can’t put it down!)  Incidentally, last week I mentioned that Elvis Presley’s Army uniform was about to be auctioned off in Dallas.  Well, how much do you think it fetched?  How does $35,000 sound?  While this was a decent price, it didn’t come close to the King’s peacock jumpsuit that sold for….. $300,000 in 2008!  In any case, I’ve decided to sell my socks on eBay, so don’t be a “heel” and buy a pair.  Each pair has been thoroughly washed, so you won’t get “toe-maine” poisoning.

How about some “food for thought?”   Last week’s book signing was held in Lampasas, which was followed by a Moonlight Swim at Hancock Springs.  (Although there wasn’t much moonlight at 4 p.m., the swim was wonderful, and we stopped at Hopdoddy’s for dinner!)  If you go to Hopdoddy’s, order the “Llano Poblano” hamburger…..  An angus beef patty, topped with pepper jack cheese, roasted poblano peppers, apple-smoked bacon, and chipolte mayo.  Simply amazing…. especially with a 512 IPA Beer!  (or two)

I have recently viewed the new book cover for MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, and can report that it is simply marvelous.  The revised book should be out in early November, but by then, I may be back in the Caribbean!  Looks like we’re going on the road again, (or should I say the water?) and marching toward St. Thomas, St. John, and St. Martin.  (“When the saints, go marching in….. “)  Well, you know how that tune goes.  Yummy, yummy, more rum in my tummy!

Finally, if you want to try the BEST pancakes in the free world, come visit me in Austin, and I will take you to the Rise and Shine Bakery for their homemade buttermilk pancakes.  As Judge Susan and Princess Patty can attest, they are absolutely delicious!  I was there yesterday and I saw plenty of nice stacks.

Well, have a great week and remember not to believe everything you hear.  My wife thinks I’m a skeptic, but I don’t believe a word she says!  (Would you believe my neighbor has a skeptic tank?  What’s that about?)

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 30, 2013

SON OF A BEACH…..

SOME EXPLORERS KEEP A LOG (or a tree) BUT SINCE I HAVE BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH TIME AT THE BEACH, I THINK I SHOULD KEEP A….. “WATER LOG!”   Jeez, I knew I was all wet, but this is ridiculous.  One more day of this beach stuff and I’m going to change my name to Sandy.  Honestly, I’m spending more time in the water than on land.  (Would you believe that my feet have turned into fins?  Oh wait, those are fins.  Never mind.)  Today, May 30th, was spent at the East End of St. John, which surprisingly, is at the east end of the island.  If you have been here, you know that this is the most remote section of the island, and perhaps the most beautiful.  The water and weather conditions were nearly perfect.  (I found the Caribbean Sea a little salty today, but I understand that there’s nothing they can do about it.)

Yesterday, as many of you know, if you spent the day shopping for a present for me, was my birthday.  It feels odd to tell people that I’m now forty.  (It should feel odd since it’s a bald faced lie!)  Nonetheless, there were some famous people born on my birthday…..  Patrick Henry, Bob Hope, JFK, and me.  So what do all of these great men have in common?  They were all rum drinkers!  (Two of us were comedians, me and Bob Hope, but Patrick Henry knew some funny jokes, too.)  Patrick Henry said, “Give me liberty or give me death!”  (After he thought about it, he added, “Isn’t there something in-between?)

Where was I?  Oh yes, my birthday itinerary….  Well, it was simply marvelous.  The day began at Caneel Bay, which was in pristine condition and glorious in every direction.  After a surprise beach front serving of ripe avacado and olives, we dined at the open-air resort restaurant.  (I was vaguely well behaved and ordered a marvlous organic salad.)  Then if was off to Honeymoon Bay for some snorkeling and some cold Carib Beer.  Since we were all celebrating, we agreed to take a joint nap, and then if was off to a pirate’s favoite haunt……. a local tavern!

Dinner was had at a waterfront establishment called the Waterfront Bistro, a divine culinary institution located on Cruz Bay.  By sheer coincidence, they had a delightful special, a 14-ounce veal chop, perfectly grilled, and smothered in bacon and local tomatoes.  Yummy, yummy, I had love in my tummy!  (I was hoping to find a veal chop on my birthday!)  After several mojitos, more wine, and some great food, we were packing up and ready to leave when all of a sudden our waiter showed up with a complimentary bottle of champagne!  (Sent by one of my admirers, whose name and identity is strictly confidential….. until I get back to Austin!)  Dessert was key lime pie, compliments of Dr. Max Talbott, and it was wonderful.

The rest of the evening must remain TOP SECRET as it involves some nefarious activity that can only be revealed 25 years after my death.  (or when I get back to Austin.)    Until then, I remain your faithful Caribbean correspondent…..

Stephen “Marley Mon” Yanoff

 

 

 

April 14, 2013

A TAXING SITUATION!

     WELL, THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS YOU’VE GOTTEN ME INTO!   Thanks to you, my nearly 4,000 faithful blog followers, my new mystery novel, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, has sold over 300 books this past week.  Wonderful, you say?  Have you considered the tax implications of becoming a famous author?  My accountant, Jesse James Lipschitz, tells me that I now owe the I.R.S. a substantial amount of money.  (Which is why I’m not filing a tax return this year.)  What can they do to me?  Throw me in jail?  Come to think of it, Al Capone ended up in Al-catraz!

     Please don’t worry about me or my finances.  Just keep buying as many copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE as you can afford.  I’ll worry about the tax thing after I’m caught, I mean, after the books are bought.  By the way, did you know that Al Capone only dated bank tellers?  That’s where we get the term “safe sex.”  (Jeez, that joke should be “barred!”)

     Incidentally, the new book (Murder on Maiden Lane) came out just beautiful.  It’s much thicker than The Presley Plot and it’s printed on high quality creme-colored paper.  Aberdeen Bay did a wonderful job this time around, and there are no mistakes in the text.  (I actually proofread the book this time!)  If you need an autographed copy, just contact me and I’ll see what I can do.  (If you live in a foreign country, you can always sign it on my behalf.  Who will know?)

     What else is happening in the world?  Well, last Thursday, Barbara Talbott, a/k/a The Dragon-Slayer, won second place at the Waterloo Loose-Woman and Hopeless Hombre Poker Tournament in Austin.  I made it to the final table (what else is new?) but my “big slick” (suited ace and king) did not hold up, and I was crushed by a lousy pair of fives.  Life ain’t fair.

     I don’t know about you, but I feel sorry for those pesky North Koreans.  The New York Times reported that because of food shortages and poor nutrition, North Koreans are now, on average, two inches shorter than South Koreans!  But wait, there’s a silver lining to this story… if we wait a few years nobody in North Korea will be tall enough to reach the missile launch buttons on the console!  Speaking of short turds, did you know that Kim Jung-un has officially banned “capitalist celebrations.” including Christmas?!  Who bans Christmas?  Only a grinch.  (I read that Kim Jung-un was an ugly child.  How ugly?  During Christmas, they would hang him up and kiss the mistletoe!  (There I go with the missiles again!)  I pity his poor wife, Holly.  She has to bow whenever he enters the room.  (Surely you’ve heard of the “bows of Holly?”)  Dang, if I keep going, I might start a war!

     Due to an unexpected tooth extraction, followed by a slight case of “dry socket,” I was forced to cancel my one and only speaking engagement this past week.  (You might have seen them celebrating in Giddings.)  Nonetheless, I am now “well-healed,” and ready to resume my illustrious career as a literary diplomat!  So, look for my next missive (again with the missiles?) as it will be a good one…..

     Have a safe and happy week…  Love to all,

     Doc Yanoff

January 20, 2013

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!  REMEMBER THE MAINE!  REMEMBER YOUR P.I.N. NUMBER!    BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY…..  REMEMBER THAT BOOK TITLE!!

Why, you might ask, should you remember a book title?  Because…. this is the title (without the exclamation point) of my new “Adam Gold Mystery,” soon to be published by the good folks at Aberdeen Bay Publishing back east.  Yes, that’s right!  Book number two is on the way!  Even as we speak, bookstores around the nation are clearing out their shelves to make room for my latest venture into the dark, underbelly of criminal enterprise!  (NO, I haven’t written a book about Washington, D.C.)  I am referring to the violent, bullet-strewn world of high risk insurance.  (Dang, I’m starting to scare myself!)   So where are we in this publishing process of ours?

Well, for the past week, I have been PROOFWEEDING my manuscript.  (Just joking, folks.)  However, this time, I intend to do my job BEFORE the book gets published.  As some of you know, I was in the jungle (NO, not Newark) when THE PRESLEY PLOT galleys were sent to me, and because I was trying to avoid headhunters and cannibals, I neglected to scrutinize each and every page.  Well, this time I stayed home, locked the doors, turned off the cell phone, and fell asleep…. but, after I awoke, I went to work and “cleaned up” the manuscript.  The cover is almost finished, and it is simple marvelous.  An eye-catching masterpiece!  A work of art!  In short, I think it will knock your socks off.  (Your shoes, too.)

The publisher recently sent me my year-end blog statistics, as published by WordPress.com.    Thanks to a fantastic group of followers (YOU!) I landed in the top 10% of all newly created blogs in 2012!  Wow, that is simply mind-boggling.  In complete seriousness, I wish to thank the 4,000 people who have taken the time to sign on to my blog this past year, and the 10,000 who have viewed a post more than once.  I am overwhelmed by the response, and wish I could personally thank each and every person!  It is, again in all seriousness, rather flattering and encouraging to a relatively new author like me.  So…..  THANK YOU!

BY THE WAY….  our blog can now be seen, and has a substantial following, in over 40 countries world-wide!  The top five countries in 2012 were….  The United States, Canada, England, France, and Australia.  (All countries I love!)  Our newest subscribers came from…..  Pakistan, Algeria, and South Korea.  (Welcome aboard!)  The “universal” mix of followers is quite interesting to me, so I thought I might share some other (non-book) statistics with you…..

IF YOU COULD FIT THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE WORLD INTO A VILLAGE CONSISTING OF 100 PEOPLE (maintaining the proportions of all the people living on Earth) THAT VILLAGE WOULD CONSIST OF……

57 ASIANS…..  21 EUROPEANS…..  14 AMERICANS (North, Central & South)…..  and 8 AFRICANS.    Isn’t that interesting?  (Now you see the importance of translating THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE into Chinese!)  I just read somewhere that we are all part Asian.  Apparently, we have 24 useful ribs (12 on each side of the rib cage) plus one “spare rib!”  (Ouch, that hurt!)  No “bones” about it!

Speaking of ribs…. I ate at two great restaurants recently….. If you live in Austin (or come to visit) you must try SPIN Modern Thai Cuisine and THE BONNEVILLE.  The Thai restaurant has amazing dishes (but no bow-Thais) and The Bonneville has an incredible short rib dish, and many other amazing treats, as well as a terrific location in downtown Austin.  (And very interesting cocktails!)  I can heartily recommend both establishments, and I predict great things for both restaurants!  You vegans out there should try some real food!  Just remember what my grandpappy used to say…..  “Them thar health nuts are going to feel mighty stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”    (What can I say, the man was a genius.)

Well, next Sunday I will bring you up-to-date on my progress with MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  I will also tell you about my upcoming expedition to the jungles of Honduras and Belize!  (Believe it or not, I’m heading back into the bush!)  Stay tuned, do not touch that internet dial, and we shall meet back here next week!  Until then, I wish you safe travels and much happiness.  Class dismissed!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 13, 2013

THE KING OF CLUBS! (BOOK CLUBS)

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS TALKING ABOUT POKER AGAIN!   AU CONTRAIRE!   (Although there remains some doubt as to whether I am “playing with a full deck!”)

I am happy to report that this week was “Book Club Week” here at the Ponderosa Ranch.  On Monday I had the pleasure of driving down to lovely La Grange, Texas, a charming village approximately 65 miles southeast of Austin.  Whence I arrived, I was warmly welcomed at the Texas Czech Heritage and Cultural Center.  (There were no “bad Czechs” present!)  After a rather brilliant oration, I moseyed on over to Weikel’s Bakery (for a homemade kolache) and then stopped briefly at Prause Meat Market (to sample the smoldering pits!) and pump out my stomach.  I was fortunate to meet the mayor of the town, and during our conversation, I suggested a “town motto.”  (I.E., “Keep Austin Weird”)   Every town has one, I said to his honor.  So….. I suggested this little doosey…..   “The Range near La Grange ain’t too Strange!”     (I’ve been waiting for my first royalty check from the city fathers, and just to be nice, I offered to accept payment in kolaches.)

AND NOW FOR A SHORT COMMERCIAL BREAK……    On Tuesday I had one of the very best deep tissue massages of my life!  (Courtesy of Ms. Rebecca Lee, my jet setter daughter who is off to Hawaii and Japan on Tuesday)  If you live in Austin, you must contact the one and only Melinda Perez  (melindaperez.lmt@gmail.com) and you will not be disappointed!  The young lady is simply divine!  (I should know, because I have been touched by many women (the price of fame) and because when I was a lad, I wanted to be a massage therapist!)  However, they told me that I “rubbed people the wrong way,” so I did not purse my rubbing license.  Ah well, Melinda is much better.

FAST FORWARD TO THURSDAY!  (Evening)   Another stellar (actually, cellar) performance….. this time at the most famous and influential book club in LAKEWAY!   Due to popular demand (and a slow week) my agent, Black Bart Berkowitz, was able to “book me” at the Lakeway mansion of Mrs. Jaime Rubenstein, the leading Grand Dame of Literature in the Central Texas area.  My goodness, what a treat!  The dear woman served a formal sit-down dinner (with chairs!) in her beautiful dining room, complete with high quality wines (with corks!) superb place settings (with forks!) and a meal fit for….. a KING!  (Obviously a reference to the book we discussed…..  THE PRESLEY PLOT.)    It was not easy being surrounded by good food and wine, and a roomful of women hanging on my every word, but I managed to maintain my composure, keep most of my clothes on, and deliver another sterling performance.  (the forks were sterling, too.)   I wish to thank Madame Rubenstein for arranging this wonderful event.  A fine time was had by all!

SPEAKING OF FINE TIMES……   Happy Birthday Wishes to Jill Crocker and Carol Yondola Finkelstein, two lovely ladies who are celebrating their 39th birthday this week!  (Did I get the age thing right, ladies?)

AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF BIRTHDAYS……   Last Tuesday was ELVIS PRESLEY’S birthday.  If the King had lived, do you know how old he would be?  (Better sit down for this one)   Incredibly, Elvis would be 78 years old!   Yikes, how time flies when you’re having fun!

AND SPEAKING OF FUN…..  The famous art department at Aberdeen Bay Publishers came up with a “knock-out” book cover for my second mystery novel, titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  I simply loved the initial design, and was blown away by how it caught the eye.  (No hints!)  However, I can tell you that the cover is very mysterious (duh) and very unusual in a good sense.  If I am permitted to do so, I will post a “rough draft” of the cover on a future blog.

Finally, since several of my brilliant blog followers have inquired about upcoming projects, let me share some news with thee…..   The third “Adam Gold” mystery (DEVIL’S COVE) is being professionally edited as we speak, and it should be at the typist some time around March 15th, 2013.   The fourth book in the series, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, is being written at a slightly slower pace, not because of “writer’s block,” but because I am busy putting the finishing touches on my first NON-FICTION book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  (THE UNTOLD STORY OF AMERICA’S MOST BIZZARE POLITICAL MURDER)     God willing, the non-fiction book will be published some time during the summer.  I think you folks are really going to enjoy this one, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I (finally) won the Pulitzer Prize.  (Depends on the dang judges.)  I wish there was a way to bribe those dudes.

Anyway, I digress.  I trust I have answered your various inquiries.  Please keep those cards and letters (and royalty checks) coming.  I do appreciate your blog loyalty and look forward to chatting with you again in the very near future.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

January 6, 2013

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

(AND I DON’T MIND IF YOU STAND UP AND SHOUT IT!)

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure (and more money) to inform you that Aberdeen Bay Publishing has just (yesterday) agreed to publish……  my second mystery novel!

Yes, it’s true!  The second “Adam Gold Mystery” will be available to the general public (and certain penal institutions) on or about MARCH 1, 2013!

For those of you on the Pulitzer Committee, the name of this book is……  MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.      As some of you know, Maiden Lane is located in the Financial District of Lower Manhattan.  In fact, the lovely lane is right around the corner from my old insurance office on John Street.  Maiden Lane has quite a checkered past (much like my high school girlfriend) but is most famous for two things…… being in the heart of the “high risk” insurance neighborhood, and being the home of Captain Kidd, the famous American pirate.

AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF PIRATES…….    I shall now share with you the exact “book cover blurb” that will appear on the back cover of the new book…. right above my new and improved photograph…..   (Let me know if it grabs your attention!)    If so, you can grab the book on Amazon.com when it becomes available…….   All right, here goes…….

“WHILE EXCAVATING A VACANT LOT IN LOWER MANHATTAN, WORKERS UNEARTH A 300-YEAR-OLD SKELETON AND SOME COINS THAT MIGHT BE PART OF A PIRATE TREASURE.  THE DISCOVERY HALTS THE CONSTRUCTION OF A SKYSCRAPER, DRAWING THE IRE OF CORRUPT POLITICIANS, GREEDY DEVELOPERS, AND THE MAFIA.  IT ALSO ATTRACTS THE ATTENTION OF A MYSTERIOUS YOUNG WOMAN WHO CLAIMS TO BE A DESCENDANT OF A FAMOUS PIRATE….. A WOMAN WHO IS WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HER HANDS ON THE TREASURE!”

Well, there you have it.  The cover is in the “design phase” as we speak, and will be a bold presentation of color and content.  (Much like me)   If I get an opportunity, I will post some of the first designs to give my blog followers a sense of how a fiction book is put together.  I think you will find the process quite interesting.

AND NOW FOR SOME OTHER NEWS…….       CONGRATULATIONS to Ms. Rebecca Lee Yanoff, who has a brand new position in Austin.  A commercial development project coordinator for a prestigious local firm that is about to build the very first “high end” luxury day spa in the city!  Rebecca’s responsibilities are numerous, and in order to build an authentic Japanese facility, the firm is sending her (and the marketing genius) to ……….  Hawaii and Japan!    Yep, you read that right.  My little girl will be spending four or five days in MAUI (Wowee!) and then fly to TOKYO AND OSAKA to interview some of the leading Asian spa owners on the island.  The idea is to see and learn what makes a world-class facility.  When the Austin project is complete, they want Rebecca to manage (and partially own!) the spa.  So……  hooray for Rebecca-san!    (But remember, no blow fish!)

A big shout out and congratulations also to Mr. Adam Zell……   the First Place Winner of the “River Place New Year Poker Championship!”     Adam played very well and beat some terrific poker players (including me!) on his way to the final heads-up competition.   It was looking grim until the lad got lucky on the river and pulled a Jack of clubs, giving him a very sweet flush!  He won a substantial amount of money.  (None of which he shared with me!)  What’s up with that?

More congratulations to one of my long-time blog followers…….   Mrs. Rita York-Hennecke…… the beautiful daughter of the beautiful Portuguese Princess Helena Bomblatus.  Rita has recently discovered that she is “with child,” as they say in Kansas.  Her pregnancy is wonderful news!  I’m sure she will have a gorgeous baby.  (If she has a boy, I think “Stephen” would be a wonderful name.  Just saying.)  Best wishes to Rita and Mike!

FOR MY ADORING ELVIS FANS…….   (OR SHOULD I SAY, “ADORABLE”)  …….  DID YOU KNOW……  That on this day in 1957, Elvis made the last of his three appearances on the Ed Sullivan Show?  (Which was filmed at the Maxine Elliot Theatre on W. 39th Street.)   I used to go there when I was a youngster, but I missed this show.  Too bad.  The King sang “Hound Dog.” “Don’t Be Cruel,” “Love Me Tender,” and “Heartbreak Hotel.”     Wow!  Imagine hearing the big guy sing all four of those classics!  (By the way, this is the infamous performance where the network would only film Elvis from the waist up!)   Just think of how far we’ve come (descended) from those days!  Now all television is a “waist.”  (Waste)     Incidentally, after the show, which was a “really big show,” Elvis took the midnight train home to Memphis!  Well, at least he was on the “right track” back then!   Amusing to think that there were no flights to Memphis at the time.

In closing, I would like to tell you that THE PRESLEY PLOT has now been purchased (and hopefully read!) in 40 different countries around the globe!  God Bless the internet!  We should all be grateful to Al (Jazeera) Gore for inventing the darn thing in his spare time.  Thanks to the world wide web, great literature (and my books) can be shared with uneducated heathens and unrepentant criminals in all four corners of the globe!  (By the way, how can a globe have corners?  The dang thing is round!  Just saying.)

Well, I wish you a happy and healthy week and a wonderful post-New Year period.  Drop me a line when you can, and thanks again for following my weekly rant.

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

November 28, 2012

MAKING HISTORY, PART II

IN MY HUMBLE VIEW….. Making history is almost as much fun as making whoopee.  (I said almost.)  I am referring, of course, to the re-publishing of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  I am very happy to report that Aberdeen Bay Press has sent me the official notification and that the newly revised version will be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, and other sites in about  two or three weeks.  As I believe I previously mentioned, they already have a standing (or sitting) order for 225 copies, so if you need some books for the holidays, do not delay ordering.  After they’re gone you will have to wait… I have a little gout, I mean, clout, but even I have to wait in line.  (Oh, the injustice of it all!)

Several of my loyal devotees have asked about the American Queen riverboat cruise.  (The Elvis-themed excursion leaving from New Orleans.)  Well….. here I was, preparing my brilliant lecture on Tupelo, when lo and behold we hit a snag.  (Not the boat, me)  The snag was the river itself!  Have you read about our drought in this part of the country?  Lake Austin (here in lovely Austin, Texas) is only 40% full!   If my math is correct, that means its almost 60% empty!  Yikes!  What the hell did Al Gore do?

Anyway, no water means no riverboating, no riverfloating, and no rivergloating.  What can I say?  For the first time in American history, the Mighty Mississippi is suffering from low water levels, and it is severely affecting all of the river traffic, both private and commercial vessels!  Due to this lack of H2o, I thought it best to reschedule my voyage.  I will keep my fellow travelers informed of my whereabouts!  (Easy to do with this darn electric ankle bracelet!)

Now for some Elvis news…..  Did you know that on this very day, in 1954, Elvis Presley did something very rare?  (No, he didn’t go on a diet.)  But he did miss two previously scheduled shows that were sold out in Memphis, Tennessee.  (Which, I might add, is where Graceland happens to be.)  So what happened, you ask?  Well, he actually missed his airline connection in Houston!  If you have ever flown through Houston, you know how easy this can be.  So it seems that we are in good company.  I do not know if the airline offered The King any travel compensation, but I’m sure he got several bags of free peanuts.  (Maybe even one of his favorite peanut butter snacks!)

Incidentally, a number of my more curious blog followers have asked about Rachel and Adam (my daughter and new son-in-law) and they wanted to know what those two crazy kids thought of Cape Town, South Africa.  Well, they loved the place.  I have seen some of the photographs, and they are truly amazing.  Mountains on one side, the ocean on the other, and the most magnificent flora and fauna you can imagine.  (Flora was particularly attractive!)  The only “tricky” part of the trip was the safari.  On day one they were detained by a horde of pygmies!  (But just for a “short” time.)  Then they were stopped by headhunters!  (But neither needed a job.)  Finally, on day three, they were asked to play the drums for a tribe of Ubangi warriors!  (The tribesmen kept shouting, “You bangee!”  “You bangee!”)  Adam finally gave in and banged the damn drum, but as they found out, he marches to the beat of a different drum.  In any case, Rachel explained the “big bang theory” to the tribal chieftain and all was well.  You can’t “beat” a vacation like that!

Finally, I would like to give a big shout out to Max and Barbara, the President and Vice-President of my Indiana Fan Club For Elvis Authors!  They are taking care of some personal business this week, and we wish them well!  Also, thanks to Judge Susan for her recent legal work on behalf of my growing literary estate!  Another job well done.  If you are in or around Salado, Texas next week, look for my mug on a poster.  (No, not at the Post Office)  I am tentatively engaged to speak at a  book club in that charming town.  I will send the details later.

Have a wonderful day and please drive carefully.  (I keep hearing about a fiscal cliff in front of us.)  I will write again soon…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

 

November 21, 2012

GOBBLE GOBBLE!

HAPPY HOLIDAY!   Did you know that the very first Thanksgiving was held in a car?  Yep, in a PLYMOUTH!  (The Pilgrims couldn’t afFORD anything else and they didn’t want to DODGE the party!)  You can’t make these things up, folks.  (Well, actually you can, but I won’t go there.)  Anyway, a lot of Americans think this wonderful holiday has something to do with Captain John Smith and his main squeeze Pocahontas, but that is simply not the case.  I will admit that Captain Smith (almost) lost his head over her, but that’s only because he was rude.  (He kept pointing at her during dinner and then, after some cheap corn whiskey, he tried to poke her with his index finger.  You should never,ever, poke a hontas!

As you can see, I know a great deal about indigent people.  (Poor Indians)   Did you know that Pocahontas was the daughter of Powhatan?  Did you know that her uncle lived in New York City?  (Yeah, his name was MANHATTAN)  Did you know that one of her descendants was Nancy Reagan?  (This is actually true.)  But enough about her…..  let’s get to the great holiday known for peace, love, and wonderful sales at the mall.

Interestingly, seven other nations celebrate THANKSGIVING!  (Originally a day to celebrate a good harvest.)  I, of course, celebrate life, liberty, family, friends, and steadily increasing sales of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  (Do I have my priorities straight, or what?)  We can all thank (no pun intended) FDR for making the day official.  At his urging, Congress agreed to the 4th Thursday in November.  FDR was an interesting fellow.  Did you know that he was the first president to play Texas Hold ‘Em Poker?  Sure, don’t you remember the NEW DEAL?

He also started the tradition of “pardoning” a turkey.  (To make sure the herd continued.)  This year our president intends to pardon Susan Rice!  (Hey, come on, that was funny!)

Thanksgiving at our house in very, well, international.  How so?  We have a TURKEY, sitting in GREECE, and there are people with ROMAN hands and RUSSIAN fingers waiting for the bird to arrive.  Last year my wife burnt the stuffing, which stuck to the bird.  I had to kick the stuffing out of that fowl weather friend, but we did have a tasty meal.  By the way, speaking of reasons to celebrate…..  TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY!    On this day, in 1955, ELVIS signed his contract with RCA, which included all of the famous sound tracks from Sun Studios in Memphis.  I’m not sure if Elvis sold many records (ha ha) but I do know that the contract stipulated that the King produce eight sides per year, and that he received a 5% royalty.  (Which is half of what I get from Aberdeen Bay Publishing.)

Well, I must go do some prep work for the big meal, so I will say goodbye until we meet again.  I have sooooo much to be thankful for this year, and I know that most of you do too.  We have a bunch of loved ones coming for dinner and when they all get here, I intend to remind everyone that our Founding Father (George Washington) put it best when he said that our young country should use the day “as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favours of Almighty God.”

Well said, General!  Be grateful!  Be thankful!  Be well!

Happy Thanksgiving and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff (The Prince of Puritans!)

October 7, 2012

LIFE IS A MYSTERY! (WHAT A “NOVEL” CONCEPT!)

OF COURSE, SOME DAYS ARE MORE MYSTERIOUS THAN OTHERS……

For instance, Wednesday, October 24th will be a VERY mysterious day.  How so you ask?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  On that very day (actually, at night, from 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.) yours truly will be a featured author/speaker/lecturer/know-it-all at the Austin Literary Salon!

So, you might ask, who are these folks?  Well, since you asked, these are the wonderful folks who sponsor famous (and infamous) authors who live and work in the great state of Texas.  Brilliant, creative, handsome, and modest writers like me.  Shy types who feel funny about tooting their own horns.  (Or here in Austin, Longhorns.)  Writers like little old Stephen G. Yanoff, author of THE PRESLEY PLOT!

That’s right, for some inexplicable reason known only to God, I have been invited to discuss reading, writing, and arithmetic.  (The math of making money in publishing.)  Lord knows I have made a small fortune over the years.  (The key word here being “small.”)  Nevertheless, my expertise is sorely lacking, I mean, sorely needed.  I am truly honored by the invitation and look forward to putting my best foot forward.  In fact, I intend to show off both of my feet.  (I’m no heel, though!)  However, I do have a lot of “sole.”  (How did I get on shoe jokes, anyway?)

Anyway, I will be participating in a mystery writers panel at the Wildflower Terrace Apartments in East Austin.  (Located at lovely 3801 Berkman Drive, Austin, Texas.)  The event will be held in their brand new auditorium and seats are on a first-come, first-seat basis….. so get there early for a good seat!  Doors open at 6:00 p.m. and they are expecting a huge turnout due to guest speakers that will be present.  (i.e., ME!)  I understand that I will be forced to share the stage with Helen Ginger, one of the brains behind the Writers’ League of Texas and an author herself.  Oh well, I’ll have to play nice and let her say a few words.  Maybe I’ll hand her the microphone and say, “I’ve talked enough about myself, Helen.  What do you think of me?”

Yeah, there’s an idea!

By the way, the Wildflower Terrace Apartments are located on the corner of Manor Road and Berkman.  (At the entrance of the old Mueller Airport on I-35.)  If you need more information, steal a copy of the Austin American-Statesman or find a copy of the Austin Chronicle that isn’t stained with picante sauce.  You can also look for details in the book review section of the New York Times.  (You can look, but you won’t find anything.)  I wouldn’t buy any one of those Commie rags myself, but it’s your call.  Frankly, if you need directions, you can always send me an email and I will get back to you in several weeks.  (If I’m not playing video poker.)

Incidentally, the evening will include a panel discussion (why we’re discussing panels, I have no idea), a book reading, and an opportunity to actually buy a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT and have it autographed by me!  What joy!  What fun!  What royalties!  (Hey, I never said I wanted to be a starving artist.)

Attendees are welcome to bring a camera or video recorder.  (We’ll see what “develops.”)  You can also throw under garments on the stage if you are so inclined, however, please note that this offer does NOT apply to ANY of my male friends or neighbors.  Sorry, guys, we gotta draw the line somewhere.

In all seriousness, I hope to see you there!  Most importantly, you will get to meet the charming and talented Terri Schexnayder, the organizer of this event and one of the remarkable women who make Austin such a great place to live and work.  Trust me, you will love every moment!

Take care… and love to all.

Doc Yanoff