September 15, 2013

YANOFF WINS NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE… DIDN’T I USE THIS SCHTICK LAST SUNDAY? (I thought it sounded familiar!) Well, fuhgetaboutit. I never use a joke twice… unless I’m visiting my mother in south Florida. (A lot of seniors in Boca Raton are hard of hearing, so I am forced to repeat most of my jokes.) Do you realize that if the cities of Baton Rouge and Boca Raton merged the new city would be called Baton Raton? Jeez, they would have gators and waders. (There would also be some reptile dysfunctions, but I digress….. )

Speaking of awards (ones that I have actually received) my newest book, DEVIL’S COVE, was recently chosen as the “Mystery of the Month” by the Lake Charles (Louisiana) Book Club. God willing, I will actually make it up to Lake Charles in the near future, and will be signing books for the group. (Thank you for the honor!)

And since we’re discussing books and honors….. It was my pleasure to recently donate some books (MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE an DEVIL’S COVE) to Angela Plunkett, a fellow member of the River Place Garden Club. (The club that has added so much beauty to our community.) Angela is a tireless supporter of a wonderful organization called the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. (The books will be used in a gift bag at an upcoming fundraiser.) Thank God we still have people like Angela who try to make the world a safer place!

So what else is new? Well, my newest novel, THE GRACELAND GANG, is now with my new publisher and we have about two weeks of final revisions ahead of us. The book cover is outstanding, and with the revisions and new chapters, I feel confident about the Pulitzer thing. (Confident that SOMEBODY will win the award this year!)

My poker career has taken another unusual turn…. during the past week, I played in 3 tournaments, and placed third, fourth, and fifth! I’d better stop playing for a while or I’m going to end up in last place! Nonetheless, my fortuitous victories have earned me a great sum of money, which I will be donating to the S.S.C.F. (Self-Serving Cruise Fund)

Last week I had the privilege of conducting a book signing in the lovely burg of McKinney. (north Texas) If you’re ever in that part of the state, you should check out Churchill’s British Restaurant & Pub. Very interesting spot, and they have some great beers on tap. (Not to mention Cragganmore single-malt Scotch!) They also have other “spirits”…….. On the second Thursday of each month they host something called “Psychic Night.” My aunt was a psycho, I mean, psychic, and she used to read palms. (Lots of palms in Boca Raton.) She wasn’t very good at predicting the future. In fact, she was only “medium.”

In any case, if you enjoy psychic readings, then this is the place for you. (They used to do Ouija, but folks got “bored.”) You get it, Ouija Board? Never mind. (I’m predicting a few groans!) Well, it’s time for me to dig into a cheese pocket, so I will bid you adieu. Have a wonderful week and enjoy life!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

September 2, 2013

LOVE’S LABOUR’S LOST!

NO, I’M NOT REFERRING TO BILL SHAKESPEARE’S PLAY!

Yesterday’s strike is over! I struck out! Judge Susan (who many of you know) has issued a temporary restraining order (a lot of folks think I should be restrained permanently!) which requires me to go back to work and write another humorous blog post. If I do not comply, she will hold me in contempt. (I’d rather be held in her arms, but I digress.) Well, you know what they say about the long arm of the law. So…..

Did you know that Labor Day has NOTHING to do with pregnancy? The holiday is always celebrated on the first Monday in September. Oregon was the first state to make it a legal holiday. (On February 21, 1887) It became a federal holiday in 1894, when signed into law by Grover Cleveland. (Cleveland was born in New Jersey, which was very confusing. Supposedly, his parents wanted to name him Hoboken, but they were afraid that the neighborhood kids would call him “Hobo.”) All right, I just made that up, but it’s still funny.

In recent years, Labor Day has become a huge retail sales day. (Second only to the Christmas season’s “Black Friday.”) It also marks the official end of summer, and in high society, the last day of the year when it is fashionable to wear a seersucker suit. (I once saw a suit at Sears, and I was the sucker who bought it!) I used to buy my clothes at Robert Hall. (Robert threw them out and I hauled them in!) I also had a pair of Buster Brown shoes. (Brown on the top and bustin’ out of the sides!) Right now I’m wearing my summer clothes. (Summer mine, summer my brother’s!) All right, all right, I’ll stop with the clothing jokes!

My wife (the health nut) asked me to join her at Pilates class this morning. I thought she said “pie and latte,” so I went with her. God, what a disappointment. They asked me to leave! Did you know that it is considered inappropriate to take video of a woman in tights? Sounds like I’m “stretching the truth,” but that class was really weird. (No coed showers? What’s that about?)

Hey, my beautiful daughter, Rachel, was featured on KVUE this week. (A local station here in Austin) They were doing a segment on local artists and Rachel’s work was highlighted. She does extraordinary custom paint designs for all sorts of businesses in the city. (Great interview, but she failed to mention her father or any of his books!)

Speaking of books…… (nice transition, eh?) My new publisher, Murder Ink Press, has come up with an outstanding new title for the re-issuance of THE PRESLEY PLOT. (I’m not supposed to let the cat out of the bag until the release date.) The new cover is also terrific, and I think that all of my fans and followers will be quite pleased. The revised edition will be released sometime in September.

Well, I must leave you now. I am off to a wonderful barbecue at Jaime and Gary Rubinstein’s house. They have a gorgeous new home in Lakeway, and they are superb hosts. A great time will be had by all. (Gary does the cooking, and believe me, he makes food fit for a king. Here King, here King….. )

Again, happy Labor Day. And remember, if work is so great, how come they have to pay you to do it??? Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

August 25, 2013

THE KING IS DEAD….. ANOTHER ONE GONE!

First, it was Elvis Presley, who died on August 16, and now we have lost the King of crime novelists, Elmore Leonard. Needless to say, I was a huge fan, and more than that, a student of the “Elmore Leonard School of Writing.” Mr. Leonard was born in 1925, in New Orleans, which undoubtedly provided an early introduction to colorful and unsavory characters. (His second choice was Washington, D.C.)

One of the things that fascinated me most about this man was his earliest writings, which were not crime-related, but Westerns! Did you know that he wrote “Valdez Is Coming,” “Hombre,” “The Bounty Hunters,” and “3:10 to Yuma?” After the western lost popularity, he began to write crime-based books, and I understand that he did quite well!

Sometimes called “The Dickens of Detroit,” (his hometown) Leonard was famous for his sparse writing, and the best advice he gave to beginning writers was this: “Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.” Wise words from a wise man. There will never be another quite like him, but let’s face it, I’m pretty darn close. (Hey, he only sold 150,000,000 more books than me.)

So what else is new? Well, in connection with two new mystery novels that I’m working on, I have been spending some time at the gun range, trying out some weaponry that I may let Adam Gold use in his upcoming adventures. (No, I didn’t go off “half-cocked” and I don’t think I’m a “big shot” either.) Always good to know what a weapon feels like before your main character starts blasting away. (The bazooka was too cumbersome and heavy as hell!)

Playing under the nom de plume (or non de plum if you prefer fruit) of “The Mighty Cobra,” I managed to extend my poker legend by placing 2nd. in last week’s poker tournament, which I dubbed “Venom & Denim.” I wound up at the final table through a combination of skill, luck, and cheating. Nonetheless, my second place finish garnered a huge cash payout…… and even better, I won a copy of my own damn book! (THE PRESLEY PLOT) Now I actually have to read the darn thing!

Judge Susan is coming over this afternoon for a pool party, and I am quite excited because I heard her and Patty talking about wearing thongs outside. Never a dull moment around here! If things work out (or off) I will post some inappropriate photographs on Facebook. (God, I hope they weren’t talking about flip-flops.)

Well, dear friends, I must leave you now. Time to skim the pool and install the film in the underwater camera. (We shall see what “develops!”) After the party is over, I’ll sneak outside, and if I get caught, I’ll just say that I was…… “removing some film from the pool!” Yeah, I know, I need a job.

Love to all!

Doc Yanoff

August 18, 2013

MEMPHIS IN MOURNING!

NO, THEY DIDN’T RUN OUT OF PORK RIBS AT CORKY’S!

Last Friday, August 16, marked the 36th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. Hard to believe, but the King of Rock ‘n Roll died in 1977. Oddly enough, his passing is “celebrated” with an annual week-long festival known as “Elvis Presley Week.” In mid-August, the city is transformed into one big Elvis event, and each year over 400,000 people show up to join the party! Believe me, it is quite a sight. (Try to picture several thousand Elvis impersonators!)

Naturally, copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT will be available at various locations throughout the city. (One vendor is selling only autographed copies….. my signature, not Elvis.) I don’t make a great sum of money, but the publicity is wonderful, and I get to meet some interesting characters.

Speaking of books, I am currently reading a book about anti-gravity. (I just can’t put it down!) Incidentally, last week I mentioned that Elvis Presley’s Army uniform was about to be auctioned off in Dallas. Well, how much do you think it fetched? How does $35,000 sound? While this was a decent price, it didn’t come close to the King’s peacock jumpsuit that sold for….. $300,000 in 2008! In any case, I’ve decided to sell my socks on eBay, so don’t be a “heel” and buy a pair. Each pair has been thoroughly washed, so you won’t get “toe-maine” poisoning.

How about some “food for thought?” Last week’s book signing was held in Lampasas, which was followed by a Moonlight Swim at Hancock Springs. (Although there wasn’t much moonlight at 4 p.m., the swim was wonderful, and we stopped at Hopdoddy’s for dinner!) If you go to Hopdoddy’s, order the “Llano Poblano” hamburger….. An angus beef patty, topped with pepper jack cheese, roasted poblano peppers, apple-smoked bacon, and chipolte mayo. Simply amazing…. especially with a 512 IPA Beer! (or two)

I have recently viewed the new book cover for MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, and can report that it is simply marvelous. The revised book should be out in early November, but by then, I may be back in the Caribbean! Looks like we’re going on the road again, (or should I say the water?) and marching toward St. Thomas, St. John, and St. Martin. (“When the saints, go marching in….. “) Well, you know how that tune goes. Yummy, yummy, more rum in my tummy!

Finally, if you want to try the BEST pancakes in the free world, come visit me in Austin, and I will take you to the Rise and Shine Bakery for their homemade buttermilk pancakes. As Judge Susan and Princess Patty can attest, they are absolutely delicious! I was there yesterday and I saw plenty of nice stacks.

Well, have a great week and remember not to believe everything you hear. My wife thinks I’m a skeptic, but I don’t believe a word she says! (Would you believe my neighbor has a skeptic tank? What’s that about?)

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

October 7, 2012

LIFE IS A MYSTERY! (WHAT A “NOVEL” CONCEPT!)

OF COURSE, SOME DAYS ARE MORE MYSTERIOUS THAN OTHERS……

For instance, Wednesday, October 24th will be a VERY mysterious day. How so you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked. On that very day (actually, at night, from 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.) yours truly will be a featured author/speaker/lecturer/know-it-all at the Austin Literary Salon!

So, you might ask, who are these folks? Well, since you asked, these are the wonderful folks who sponsor famous (and infamous) authors who live and work in the great state of Texas. Brilliant, creative, handsome, and modest writers like me. Shy types who feel funny about tooting their own horns. (Or here in Austin, Longhorns.) Writers like little old Stephen G. Yanoff, author of THE PRESLEY PLOT!

That’s right, for some inexplicable reason known only to God, I have been invited to discuss reading, writing, and arithmetic. (The math of making money in publishing.) Lord knows I have made a small fortune over the years. (The key word here being “small.”) Nevertheless, my expertise is sorely lacking, I mean, sorely needed. I am truly honored by the invitation and look forward to putting my best foot forward. In fact, I intend to show off both of my feet. (I’m no heel, though!) However, I do have a lot of “sole.” (How did I get on shoe jokes, anyway?)

Anyway, I will be participating in a mystery writers panel at the Wildflower Terrace Apartments in East Austin. (Located at lovely 3801 Berkman Drive, Austin, Texas.) The event will be held in their brand new auditorium and seats are on a first-come, first-seat basis….. so get there early for a good seat! Doors open at 6:00 p.m. and they are expecting a huge turnout due to guest speakers that will be present. (i.e., ME!) I understand that I will be forced to share the stage with Helen Ginger, one of the brains behind the Writers’ League of Texas and an author herself. Oh well, I’ll have to play nice and let her say a few words. Maybe I’ll hand her the microphone and say, “I’ve talked enough about myself, Helen. What do you think of me?”

Yeah, there’s an idea!

By the way, the Wildflower Terrace Apartments are located on the corner of Manor Road and Berkman. (At the entrance of the old Mueller Airport on I-35.) If you need more information, steal a copy of the Austin American-Statesman or find a copy of the Austin Chronicle that isn’t stained with picante sauce. You can also look for details in the book review section of the New York Times. (You can look, but you won’t find anything.) I wouldn’t buy any one of those Commie rags myself, but it’s your call. Frankly, if you need directions, you can always send me an email and I will get back to you in several weeks. (If I’m not playing video poker.)

Incidentally, the evening will include a panel discussion (why we’re discussing panels, I have no idea), a book reading, and an opportunity to actually buy a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT and have it autographed by me! What joy! What fun! What royalties! (Hey, I never said I wanted to be a starving artist.)

Attendees are welcome to bring a camera or video recorder. (We’ll see what “develops.”) You can also throw under garments on the stage if you are so inclined, however, please note that this offer does NOT apply to ANY of my male friends or neighbors. Sorry, guys, we gotta draw the line somewhere.

In all seriousness, I hope to see you there! Most importantly, you will get to meet the charming and talented Terri Schexnayder, the organizer of this event and one of the remarkable women who make Austin such a great place to live and work. Trust me, you will love every moment!

Take care… and love to all.

Doc Yanoff