June 15, 2014

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

I think it would be fitting and appropriate to begin today’s blog by wishing all of you fathers out there a Happy Father’s Day. For those of you who live abroad (that would be overseas, not as a woman) I should explain that today is the day when American children honor their dads by giving them the most useless gifts they can find. These gifts usually include, but are not limited to, horrible ties, boxer shorts, heavy metal or rap music, and the always welcomed photo of your children looking like they have just posted bail.

Since I was my dad’s favorite (or one of them) I have fond memories of this uniquely American holiday. If it was a warm June day, my dad would take me to Jones Beach on Long Island and we would do fun things together. Just the two of us. For instance we might play an abbreviated version of hide and seek. (I would hide, but he wouldn’t look for me.) Sometimes he would bury me up to the neck in sand, but he always came back the following weekend to dig me up. (The only negative thing about this game were those pesky high tides.) On clear days we would walk up and down the beach, and my pop would encourage me to collect some seashells, and as many Portuguese Men of War as I could hold. Gosh, those were swell times. (Some of the swells were over my head!)

Speaking of the Portuguese….. Last night was my sixth birthday celebration, this one hosted by the Princess of Portugal and her hubby, Baron Lee. (We do at least six parties to make sure we get things right!) We were all delightfully surprised to encounter Countess Connie at the event. Even more surprised to sample her world-famous rice pudding. It was nearly the perfect dessert. (Mine had a tad too much cinnamon.) There were other guests, but to be perfectly frank, or Steve, they were just assorted riff raff from Steiner Ranch. Nice people, but a little boring.

In case you’re wondering, my latest masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, is quickly climbing up the charts. Unfortunately, the record charts, which is a bit puzzling, but still pretty cool. By the way, my second mystery, THE PIRATE PATH, which is dedicated to my father, has just been re-issued due to popular demand. Talk about good timing! In all seriousness, this was a lovely father’s day surprise for me. You know, I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but my dad always hoped that his first son was a boy. Which reminds me, do you know that my birthday is the same day as when I was born? Amazing coincidence.

Speaking of giving birth….. I’d like to send my love and best wishes to Laura Talbott and Kellie Hogan, two charming ladies who will soon have a special delivery to share with the world. (Laura is using FedEx, Kellie is going with UPS) Our thoughts and prayers are with you, ladies, so hang in there! Hey, I have a question about the birth process….. Does it take 18 months for TWINS to be born? Just curious.

Well, dear friends, I must leave you now. I am watching the 2014 Brazil World Cup Soccer Tournament. Unfortunately, the dumb announcer has not said which country is hosting the event, but it looks to be a South American venue. Then again, it might be Arkansas.

Y’all have a marvelous day, think of how lucky we were to have such a special father in our lives, and enjoy your week. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. As a super special Father’s Day treat, I am attaching a rare photograph from last week’s book signing in Austin, Texas. We were astonished to discover that Robert Stroud’s children (Stroud was the “Birdman of Alcatraz) attended the event and allowed us to take a picture of them. (They were “perched” in the front row.) For contrast, I have included a photograph of some normal human beings.

June 1, 2014

THE BIRTHDAY BOY!

Well, as many of you know, (since I have been sending out frequent reminders) last Thursday was my 39th birthday. (In Texas, you’re allowed to celebrate any year you wish!) A gentleman never mentions his age, but I am now old enough to order an alcoholic libation. (At a senior center.) I suppose I should be grateful that I am still, more or less, of sound mind and body. Which reminds me….. If my therapist says, “There’s really nothing more that I can do for you,” that means I’m cured, right?

By the way, I just read that a woman gives birth to a baby every 15 seconds in America. Personally, I think they should find that woman and have a talk with her. Just saying.

Did you know that 3 other famous people were born on May 29th? Patrick Henry, Bob Hope, and JFK. I don’t know what, if anything, they ever accomplished, but I do know that I was recently invited back for another interview on the “American Book Club!” (The nationally syndicated program that follows “Imus In The Morning.”) The good folks at KLRG in Tampa want to discuss THE SECOND MOURNING in another full-length format, which is truly a great honor for me. I’d like to personally thank the host, Jack Drucker, for his continued interest and support.

I don’t know the exact date yet, but I promise to keep you abreast. (Or, if you prefer, a leg or wing.) As they say in sniper school, we aim to please! Speaking of schools….. my new non-fiction book (THE SECOND MOURNING) is currently under consideration at several prominent universities. What are they considering? Whether or not the book should be added to their “Recommended Reading” list! (Two of the schools are in the Ivy League! I will refrain from making any jokes about poison ivy.)

Did you notice that Harvard, Yale, and other major colleges have recently announced another tuition increase? Believe it or not, the AVERAGE cost of a 4-year college education at a private university in now….. $125,000! I should mention that this figure does not include books, food, lodging, alcohol, drugs, or birth control devices. Dude, what a ripoff! When I attended the Dodge City School of Taxidermy & Chiropractic Medicine tuition was only $350 per semester. (Embalming fluids were extra.)

What is this country coming to? When I was a boy, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, and a dozen eggs. You can’t do that now… too many damn security cameras!

Before I take my leave (which is what Adam said to Eve) I would like to remind you that I will be at a major book-signing and self-adoration event this coming Friday, June 6th. The event will take place at 7 p.m. down at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd. Please feel free to bring your family and friends and some hard currency. Also, somebody should call Mrs. Barbara Talbott to remind her of the date and time. (I’ve already sent 10 emails.)

In closing, I would like to leave you with some wise words from Albert Einstein, the owner (I think) of Einstein Bagels….. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” I wonder if he was referring to mystery authors? Hmmm.

Have a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

January 26, 2014

AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE!

MODESTY IS VERY BECOMING… (and it’s becoming quite rare) I’m not that modest. Every year, on my birthday, I send my mother a “congratulations card” for having me. I just installed mirrors in my bedroom. (no, not for that reason!) To look at myself. Does that “reflect” badly on me? Well, today’s blog will not focus on me, but on my loyal blog followers! (who I love)

Last weekend, we Austinites lost Steven Fromholz, one of the true legends of the outlaw country era. Steve was a major talent, and he also served as the Poet Laureate of Texas. I’m friends with his sweet daughter, Felicity, and my heart goes out to her and her family. Your Dad was one of the great ones.

We also lost Mrs. Alice Bonefield, a gentle spirit, the mother of Paula Johnston. “Miss Alice” was one of my favorite ladies and she will truly be missed by everyone who knew her. She was, as they say, a class act.

I would like to extend my best wishes to Mrs. Donna Simon, who is recovering from a heart attack. Donna and I are old friends, and she worked for Yanoff & Company for many years. In fact, she was the manager of our Chicago office. We (the Yanoff clan) wish you a speedy recovery! You did a great job for us and we all love you! (Miss Hazel told me to send you a special kiss!)

Speaking of speedy recoveries….. If you’re ever in need of emergency care, you should limp on over to the Texan Urgent Care facility in Riverplace. Hopefully, you will be seen by Cindy Kelt, FNP-BC (I have no idea what those letters mean, but Cindy is a brilliant and caring nurse practitioner!) Tell her that I sent you and you will receive a free enema. (Let me know how that comes out!) We adore you, Cindy!

I’d like to give a big “shout out” to my friend Steven B. who is back in Iraq doing who-knows-what. I hope you and your buddies are safe and sound, and we wish you a speedy return to the good old U.S.A. Be careful if somebody offers you a camel. (It might not be a cigarette!)

For you book lovers out there, please note that BookPeople has just restocked their shelves with 18 copies of my various mystery novels. (The first group sold quickly.) As you might guess, the books are to be found in the “mystery section” up front. (Makes sense to me)

Finally, remember the secret of enjoying a good wine….. Open the bottle and allow it to breathe….. If it doesn’t seem to be breathing….. Give it mouth to mouth! (The preceding humor courtesy of C.T. Nickles.) C.T. is the head of my New Jersey humor division, and let’s face it, you have to have a sense of humor to live in New Jersey!

Have a safe and prosperous week! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. My “big announcement” will be posted next week. This blog is for my wonderful followers!

April 14, 2013

A TAXING SITUATION!

WELL, THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS YOU’VE GOTTEN ME INTO! Thanks to you, my nearly 4,000 faithful blog followers, my new mystery novel, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, has sold over 300 books this past week. Wonderful, you say? Have you considered the tax implications of becoming a famous author? My accountant, Jesse James Lipschitz, tells me that I now owe the I.R.S. a substantial amount of money. (Which is why I’m not filing a tax return this year.) What can they do to me? Throw me in jail? Come to think of it, Al Capone ended up in Al-catraz!

Please don’t worry about me or my finances. Just keep buying as many copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE as you can afford. I’ll worry about the tax thing after I’m caught, I mean, after the books are bought. By the way, did you know that Al Capone only dated bank tellers? That’s where we get the term “safe sex.” (Jeez, that joke should be “barred!”)

Incidentally, the new book (Murder on Maiden Lane) came out just beautiful. It’s much thicker than The Presley Plot and it’s printed on high quality creme-colored paper. Aberdeen Bay did a wonderful job this time around, and there are no mistakes in the text. (I actually proofread the book this time!) If you need an autographed copy, just contact me and I’ll see what I can do. (If you live in a foreign country, you can always sign it on my behalf. Who will know?)

What else is happening in the world? Well, last Thursday, Barbara Talbott, a/k/a The Dragon-Slayer, won second place at the Waterloo Loose-Woman and Hopeless Hombre Poker Tournament in Austin. I made it to the final table (what else is new?) but my “big slick” (suited ace and king) did not hold up, and I was crushed by a lousy pair of fives. Life ain’t fair.

I don’t know about you, but I feel sorry for those pesky North Koreans. The New York Times reported that because of food shortages and poor nutrition, North Koreans are now, on average, two inches shorter than South Koreans! But wait, there’s a silver lining to this story… if we wait a few years nobody in North Korea will be tall enough to reach the missile launch buttons on the console! Speaking of short turds, did you know that Kim Jung-un has officially banned “capitalist celebrations.” including Christmas?! Who bans Christmas? Only a grinch. (I read that Kim Jung-un was an ugly child. How ugly? During Christmas, they would hang him up and kiss the mistletoe! (There I go with the missiles again!) I pity his poor wife, Holly. She has to bow whenever he enters the room. (Surely you’ve heard of the “bows of Holly?”) Dang, if I keep going, I might start a war!

Due to an unexpected tooth extraction, followed by a slight case of “dry socket,” I was forced to cancel my one and only speaking engagement this past week. (You might have seen them celebrating in Giddings.) Nonetheless, I am now “well-healed,” and ready to resume my illustrious career as a literary diplomat! So, look for my next missive (again with the missiles?) as it will be a good one…..

Have a safe and happy week… Love to all,

Doc Yanoff