SON OF A BEACH…..

SOME EXPLORERS KEEP A LOG (or a tree) BUT SINCE I HAVE BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH TIME AT THE BEACH, I THINK I SHOULD KEEP A….. “WATER LOG!”   Jeez, I knew I was all wet, but this is ridiculous.  One more day of this beach stuff and I’m going to change my name to Sandy.  Honestly, I’m spending more time in the water than on land.  (Would you believe that my feet have turned into fins?  Oh wait, those are fins.  Never mind.)  Today, May 30th, was spent at the East End of St. John, which surprisingly, is at the east end of the island.  If you have been here, you know that this is the most remote section of the island, and perhaps the most beautiful.  The water and weather conditions were nearly perfect.  (I found the Caribbean Sea a little salty today, but I understand that there’s nothing they can do about it.)

Yesterday, as many of you know, if you spent the day shopping for a present for me, was my birthday.  It feels odd to tell people that I’m now forty.  (It should feel odd since it’s a bald faced lie!)  Nonetheless, there were some famous people born on my birthday…..  Patrick Henry, Bob Hope, JFK, and me.  So what do all of these great men have in common?  They were all rum drinkers!  (Two of us were comedians, me and Bob Hope, but Patrick Henry knew some funny jokes, too.)  Patrick Henry said, “Give me liberty or give me death!”  (After he thought about it, he added, “Isn’t there something in-between?)

Where was I?  Oh yes, my birthday itinerary….  Well, it was simply marvelous.  The day began at Caneel Bay, which was in pristine condition and glorious in every direction.  After a surprise beach front serving of ripe avacado and olives, we dined at the open-air resort restaurant.  (I was vaguely well behaved and ordered a marvlous organic salad.)  Then if was off to Honeymoon Bay for some snorkeling and some cold Carib Beer.  Since we were all celebrating, we agreed to take a joint nap, and then if was off to a pirate’s favoite haunt……. a local tavern!

Dinner was had at a waterfront establishment called the Waterfront Bistro, a divine culinary institution located on Cruz Bay.  By sheer coincidence, they had a delightful special, a 14-ounce veal chop, perfectly grilled, and smothered in bacon and local tomatoes.  Yummy, yummy, I had love in my tummy!  (I was hoping to find a veal chop on my birthday!)  After several mojitos, more wine, and some great food, we were packing up and ready to leave when all of a sudden our waiter showed up with a complimentary bottle of champagne!  (Sent by one of my admirers, whose name and identity is strictly confidential….. until I get back to Austin!)  Dessert was key lime pie, compliments of Dr. Max Talbott, and it was wonderful.

The rest of the evening must remain TOP SECRET as it involves some nefarious activity that can only be revealed 25 years after my death.  (or when I get back to Austin.)    Until then, I remain your faithful Caribbean correspondent…..

Stephen “Marley Mon” Yanoff

 

 

 

ELVIS AT THE OLYMPICS!

If the King was alive today….. he would be very old!  (77 years old!)   Still, one must wonder which sporting event Elvis would have enjoyed the most.  (Please, no jokes about the “broad jump” or the “breaststroke!”)  As a former wrestling champion, I would like to think it would be wrestling, but your guess is as good as mine.  As some of you know, I actually petitioned the Olympic Committee, seeking the addition of the one athletic event in which I still excel (I’m afraid my wrestling days are over) but they declined to include the Potato Sack Race!  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking….  what’s up with that?!  In my view, they are clearly anti-spud, and if you think I’m just bitter….. when was the last time the Olympics were held in Idaho????

I rest my case.  By the way, I actually won a blue ribbon in the potato sack race back in elementary school.  (The crowning achievement of my time at Wheeler Avenue School in Valley Stream, New York!)  I still have the blue ribbon I won, and to be perfectly honest, I have been known to wear it on my lapel from time to time.  Not to brag, but it was a very tough race.  Very tough.  The judges forgot to tell me that I was supposed to put my legs in the sack!  Have you ever tried running a race with a sack over your head?  Thank God I had a good sense of direction during my misspent youth!

By now you are probably wondering why I am discussing the Olympics, eh?  Well, there is method in my madness…..  I am on my way to London!  That’s right, old chap, the missus and I are flying across the pond at the end of the week, anxious to spend one glorious week in jolly old London!  Hide the gin!  Hide the Indian food!  Hyde the park!

We will be staying at the lovely Egerton House Hotel in fashionable Knightsbridge!  (I hope they have indoor plumbing.)  The hotel looks wonderful on the internet and from my travel sources, I understand that it is quite posh.  You know the drill, silk sheets, full gourmet breakfast, afternoon tea, and lots and lots of tarts.  (No jokes about my wife!)  They have a bartender named Antonio who has been working there for over 40 years…… and makes the best martini in the world!  I cannot wait to make his acquaintance!  I am sure we will become fast friends.

After some days in London, we are off to Paris, France, which I hear awaits my arrival with baited breath!  (I will be signing copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT both in London and Paris, and engaging in several speaking forums……  which should prove quite interesting…… since I do not speak a word of French!)   Nevertheless I am looking forward to the trip and also to speaking to our European cousins.  I love Europe, even though the place is filled with foreigners!

When we have “done” Paris, we travel south to Lyon, and then board a luxury barge for a week-long trip down the Rhone!  The ship sails (glides) down the river very slowly and travels through the heart of Provence!  I am really looking forward to this part of the trip, as I have often dreamt about such a voyage.  The food is supposed to be five-star, and the excursions are simply marvelous!  (wine tasting, foi gras tasting, souffle tasting, etc.)  Do you think I’m dwelling on the food too much?  Yeah, me too!  Well, man does not live by bread alone…… I promise to drink my share of burgundy!

I will fill you in later about the rest of the trip……  my sweet grand-dog (Baker) is growling at me because he needs to go for a walk!  Duty calls!  I am going to the dogs!  Make that, going with the dog…..

Have a great day!

Doc Yanoff