August 4, 2014

THE RAGIN’ CAJUN!

GOOD MORNING, GENTLE READERS, and please forgive the tardy post, but once again I find myself in the great state of Louisiana, driving across the Atchafalaya Basin on my way to New Orleans. (Actually, I arrived Sunday morning, but the above sounds more dramatic.) In any case, we made it across the swamp without incident, except for one odd inquiry that came from our navigator. (Miss Patty) My wife asked me if I could explain the difference between a swamp and a bayou. I told her that a swamp has no current, but in the second instance, the water will run “by-you.” (Believe it or not, she accepted that explanation!)

This week’s book tour has brought us to the Adolescent City in fine style. (Wait a minute, I think that was supposed to be the “Crescent City.”) Then again, maybe not. In any case we are staying at the Windsor Court Hotel, a lovely establishment near the French Quarter. Being the consomme marketer, I mean, consummate marketer, I immediately made friends with some of my fellow tourists and spread the word about my newest masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING. On that note, I would like to welcome some new fans and blog followers, namely, Crystal & Madison and Amy & William, each from the wild and wonderful state of Louisiana.

Our culinary adventures began at the Carousel Lounge in the French Quarter and then to Commander’s Palace for dinner. As you can imagine, it was quite a feast…. After a round of Sazerac Cocktails and some champagne, we dined on Bourbon & Coffee coated quail, white shrimp and grits, turtle soup, fried oysters, and the piece of resistance….. bread pudding souffle! (I know, life is tough for a famous mystery author!)

After dinner we managed to stroll into Harrah’s Casino, where gambling history was made not by the Mighty Cobra (Me) but by the Princess of Portugal, a/k/a Helena Bomblatus, the queen of Creole Poker! I will not bore you with the gory details, but let’s just say that our dear friend was dealt a straight, a flush, and four of a kind, in succession! Needless to say, the dear woman won a small fortune, and she is definitely paying for dinner tonight.

This morning began with another culinary feast at Mother’s Restaurant, where Baron (Lee) Bomblatus and I consumed a hefty portion of eggs, grits, maple ham, and home made biscuits. (Washed down with some mighty fine chicory coffee.) The ladies in our group (escorted by Dr. Max Talbott) just set off for cooking school. Thus, I find myself faced with a dilemma…. shall I write another chapter of my new mystery novel….. or play some Texas Hold ‘Em at the casino? What would Elmore Leonard do? What would Dashiell Hammett do? What would Raymond Chandler do?

DEAL ME IN, BOYS! I’M ON MY WAY!

So much for practicing one’s craft. Hey, maybe my craft is playing poker. (I am a crafty guy.) Well, I guess you know where I’m heading. Fortunately, the casino is right across the street from our hotel. Assuming I win big, which is usually the case, I am going to take my friends to Cafe Du Monde for some beignets and coffee au lait! (What a sport) Personally, I would rather consume a bowl of bananas foster, which incidentally, was NOT named after the great Southern composer, Stephen Foster, the “Father of American Music.” The dish, created in 1951 at Brennan’s Restaurant, was actually named for Richard Foster, a friend of Owen Brennan. (By the way, you are welcome to use me as a “life line!”)

Well, my friends, I must bid you adieu. And believe me, “I do” hope I win some money! Bonjour until next Sunday….. love to all….. les bon temps roule!

Doc Yanoff

June 9, 2013

HOME SWEET HOME…

BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE… there is no place like home. (Although the Caribbean is pretty damn close!) I am happy to report that my month-long book tour was a huge success, and that my publicist (Blind Lemon Lefkowitz) tells me that many copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE have been ordered on Amazon.com, Kindle, etc. I would like to thank my domesticated partner for arranging the book signing gigs and listening to the (semi) fictional account of my college love-life. (For the fifth time!)

Our travels took us from Austin, Texas to St. John in the American Virgin Islands, and in-between there were book signing stops in Tupelo, Mississippi (To visit the birthplace of Elvis Presley), Birmingham (Alabama), Atlanta (Georgia), Charleston (South Carolina), Boca Raton (Florida), Tallahassee (Florida), and Baton Rouge (Louisiana). All told, we logged about 4,000 miles, and saw some lovely spots in this gorgeous country of ours.

The highlight of our trip was spending a week with two other couples in a luxurious villa overlooking Cruz Bay on the island of St. John. I would like to thank Dr. and Mrs. Max Talbott and Lee and Helena Bomblatus (world famous snorkel enthusiasts) for their company and invaluable guidance on the consumption of rum. I would also like to thank Johnny Depp for letting us use his home, but I suggest that he remove the mirrors on the ceiling. (I saw some truly frightening things!)

Along the way, we met some remarkable folks and gained a large number of new blog followers. I would like to welcome a few of them, including….. Miss Nina Holcomb (hostess at the Elvis Presley Birthplace), Miss Ashley at the Tupelo Starbucks location, Miss Connie (who works at the Tupelo Hardware Store and directed us to the grave of Elvis Presley’s twin brother), the mayors of Atlanta and Charleston, Tonya and Shannon (the lovely snorkeling sisters from Pennsylvania), and all of the kind and generous folks who listened to my bad jokes and bought some books. You all made this a memorable trip.

At the request of my financial advisor (Jesse James Lipschitz) I will now spend the next week catching up on bills. (Always fun) I know that some of you folks have been trying to reach me by phone, so please do not be alarmed if your call is directly forwarded to the NSA in Washington. (I am a Verizon customer.) You know, I wish these folks would “mine their own business” and leave me alone. I’m not saying I don’t like the feds, but I’m starting to agree with one of my literary idols, Mark Twain, who said….. “The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog!”

Well, you’ll have to excuse me now, I’m off to bankruptcyville . If you would like to help me pay for my recent trip (or the upcoming jaunt to Belize) please send cash in a brown paper bag. (No coins, please.) I will send you a charitable donation receipt for the I.R.S. (But don’t blame me if you get audited!) We’d both be better off if you just ordered a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT or MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

Have a safe and happy week….. Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

P.S. I almost forgot to welcome Ms. Maggie Baum-Wilson to my blog! Welcome aboard, young lady. I look forward to meeting you when you get home!

April 14, 2013

A TAXING SITUATION!

WELL, THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS YOU’VE GOTTEN ME INTO! Thanks to you, my nearly 4,000 faithful blog followers, my new mystery novel, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, has sold over 300 books this past week. Wonderful, you say? Have you considered the tax implications of becoming a famous author? My accountant, Jesse James Lipschitz, tells me that I now owe the I.R.S. a substantial amount of money. (Which is why I’m not filing a tax return this year.) What can they do to me? Throw me in jail? Come to think of it, Al Capone ended up in Al-catraz!

Please don’t worry about me or my finances. Just keep buying as many copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE as you can afford. I’ll worry about the tax thing after I’m caught, I mean, after the books are bought. By the way, did you know that Al Capone only dated bank tellers? That’s where we get the term “safe sex.” (Jeez, that joke should be “barred!”)

Incidentally, the new book (Murder on Maiden Lane) came out just beautiful. It’s much thicker than The Presley Plot and it’s printed on high quality creme-colored paper. Aberdeen Bay did a wonderful job this time around, and there are no mistakes in the text. (I actually proofread the book this time!) If you need an autographed copy, just contact me and I’ll see what I can do. (If you live in a foreign country, you can always sign it on my behalf. Who will know?)

What else is happening in the world? Well, last Thursday, Barbara Talbott, a/k/a The Dragon-Slayer, won second place at the Waterloo Loose-Woman and Hopeless Hombre Poker Tournament in Austin. I made it to the final table (what else is new?) but my “big slick” (suited ace and king) did not hold up, and I was crushed by a lousy pair of fives. Life ain’t fair.

I don’t know about you, but I feel sorry for those pesky North Koreans. The New York Times reported that because of food shortages and poor nutrition, North Koreans are now, on average, two inches shorter than South Koreans! But wait, there’s a silver lining to this story… if we wait a few years nobody in North Korea will be tall enough to reach the missile launch buttons on the console! Speaking of short turds, did you know that Kim Jung-un has officially banned “capitalist celebrations.” including Christmas?! Who bans Christmas? Only a grinch. (I read that Kim Jung-un was an ugly child. How ugly? During Christmas, they would hang him up and kiss the mistletoe! (There I go with the missiles again!) I pity his poor wife, Holly. She has to bow whenever he enters the room. (Surely you’ve heard of the “bows of Holly?”) Dang, if I keep going, I might start a war!

Due to an unexpected tooth extraction, followed by a slight case of “dry socket,” I was forced to cancel my one and only speaking engagement this past week. (You might have seen them celebrating in Giddings.) Nonetheless, I am now “well-healed,” and ready to resume my illustrious career as a literary diplomat! So, look for my next missive (again with the missiles?) as it will be a good one…..

Have a safe and happy week… Love to all,

Doc Yanoff