Mississippi River

November 28, 2012

MAKING HISTORY, PART II

IN MY HUMBLE VIEW….. Making history is almost as much fun as making whoopee.  (I said almost.)  I am referring, of course, to the re-publishing of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  I am very happy to report that Aberdeen Bay Press has sent me the official notification and that the newly revised version will be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, and other sites in about  two or three weeks.  As I believe I previously mentioned, they already have a standing (or sitting) order for 225 copies, so if you need some books for the holidays, do not delay ordering.  After they’re gone you will have to wait… I have a little gout, I mean, clout, but even I have to wait in line.  (Oh, the injustice of it all!)

Several of my loyal devotees have asked about the American Queen riverboat cruise.  (The Elvis-themed excursion leaving from New Orleans.)  Well….. here I was, preparing my brilliant lecture on Tupelo, when lo and behold we hit a snag.  (Not the boat, me)  The snag was the river itself!  Have you read about our drought in this part of the country?  Lake Austin (here in lovely Austin, Texas) is only 40% full!   If my math is correct, that means its almost 60% empty!  Yikes!  What the hell did Al Gore do?

Anyway, no water means no riverboating, no riverfloating, and no rivergloating.  What can I say?  For the first time in American history, the Mighty Mississippi is suffering from low water levels, and it is severely affecting all of the river traffic, both private and commercial vessels!  Due to this lack of H2o, I thought it best to reschedule my voyage.  I will keep my fellow travelers informed of my whereabouts!  (Easy to do with this darn electric ankle bracelet!)

Now for some Elvis news…..  Did you know that on this very day, in 1954, Elvis Presley did something very rare?  (No, he didn’t go on a diet.)  But he did miss two previously scheduled shows that were sold out in Memphis, Tennessee.  (Which, I might add, is where Graceland happens to be.)  So what happened, you ask?  Well, he actually missed his airline connection in Houston!  If you have ever flown through Houston, you know how easy this can be.  So it seems that we are in good company.  I do not know if the airline offered The King any travel compensation, but I’m sure he got several bags of free peanuts.  (Maybe even one of his favorite peanut butter snacks!)

Incidentally, a number of my more curious blog followers have asked about Rachel and Adam (my daughter and new son-in-law) and they wanted to know what those two crazy kids thought of Cape Town, South Africa.  Well, they loved the place.  I have seen some of the photographs, and they are truly amazing.  Mountains on one side, the ocean on the other, and the most magnificent flora and fauna you can imagine.  (Flora was particularly attractive!)  The only “tricky” part of the trip was the safari.  On day one they were detained by a horde of pygmies!  (But just for a “short” time.)  Then they were stopped by headhunters!  (But neither needed a job.)  Finally, on day three, they were asked to play the drums for a tribe of Ubangi warriors!  (The tribesmen kept shouting, “You bangee!”  “You bangee!”)  Adam finally gave in and banged the damn drum, but as they found out, he marches to the beat of a different drum.  In any case, Rachel explained the “big bang theory” to the tribal chieftain and all was well.  You can’t “beat” a vacation like that!

Finally, I would like to give a big shout out to Max and Barbara, the President and Vice-President of my Indiana Fan Club For Elvis Authors!  They are taking care of some personal business this week, and we wish them well!  Also, thanks to Judge Susan for her recent legal work on behalf of my growing literary estate!  Another job well done.  If you are in or around Salado, Texas next week, look for my mug on a poster.  (No, not at the Post Office)  I am tentatively engaged to speak at a  book club in that charming town.  I will send the details later.

Have a wonderful day and please drive carefully.  (I keep hearing about a fiscal cliff in front of us.)  I will write again soon…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

 

August 20, 2012

ELVIS ON AVON!

So who cares about Stratford-on-Avon, the home of some British writing hack named Bill Shakespeare?  Come on, people, we are talking about Elvis Presley….. and the amazing influence he had on our English cousins!  Oddly enough, they are also celebrating (actually acknowledging) the anniversary of the King’s departure here in London town.  Whence Lady Spendthrift (my wife) and I checked into our royal quarters in Buckingham Palace (actually The Egerton House Hotel) we ambled on down to Hyde Park (so named because it is well hidden from tourists like me) and as soon as we got through the hedgerow (not to be confused with the Heathrow) we were put upon by a band of ruffians!  (actually three old ladies and one Elvis impersonator.)

As previously promised (to a local Elvis Presley Fan Club) I did some quick magic tricks to thunderous applause (all right, there might have been some booing and hissing) and then…… to everyone’s delight (except Lady Spendthrift) I read several pages from my brilliant mystery novel THE PRESLEY PLOT.  I received another  ovation (mainly sitting) as soon as I was finished reading!  Hey, wait a minute, I wonder if they were clapping because I was done……  nevermind.   At my age any applause is good.

For those of you who did not receive a personal email from me earlier this morning, I would like to say that London is quite charming and this hotel is truly exceptional.  The flight from New York to London was rather smooth and easy, and because I’m so tough, I only needed 12 hours of sleep to recover!  They don’t make men like me anymore.  (No applause here!)

Last evening, her Ladyship and I dined on the best Lebanese food I ever had.  Humus, pita, olives, green stuff.  It was marvelous!  This was an authentic place, and there were a number of folks from Arab countries in the restaurant.  Believe it or not, there was a hooka right beside me!  (Look it up, Helena!)  I won’t go on and on about the hooka, but let’s just say she was curvaceous and hot and filled the room with steam!

Her Ladyship almost caused an international incident by trying to peek under an Arab chick’s veil, but I prevailed upon her to mind her own business.  (Besides, some things are better left to the imagination!)  Before we left, as a joke, I sold my wife to a very plump Sheik who was poorly dressed but dripping in diamonds.  (You might say that he was an unchic sheik, if you like tongue twisters.)  Anyway, I got two camels for   my wife.  Personally, I think she’s worth more than two cigarettes, but who am I to argue with a sheik?  (When I balked, he threw in a goat.  Now I can tell folks that I made a bad deal, but I really got his goat!)

I would love to hang around and amuse you further, but I am on my way to the Victoria and Albert Museum.  These folks have a collection of great novels written by some of the English masters……  Lord Byron, Percy, Dickens, Lennon & McCartney, etc.  Whence I arrive, I intend to ask the curator if he or she might be interested in purchasing a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  Why go to a museum if there is no Elvis memorabilia?  Hopefully they will have a keen eye for great writing and corny jokes.

Well, my friends, pip pip and cheerio!  I am off to conquer the rest of London!  (I wish my friend Norman was here.  Then we could reenact the Norman Conquest.)

Have a safe and happy day and I will write again soon……

Doc Yanoff  a/k/a Lord Sleepsalot!

August 15, 2012

“SPEEK THE SPEECH I PRAY YOU!”

So implored Hamlet, offering directions and advice to a group of actors at the court of Denmark.  You do remember Hamlet, don’t you?  His brother, Omelette was more famous, and much more pleasant.  (Most thought he was a good egg.)  Coincidentally, Omelette was a private detective in Copenhagen.  (Similar to Adam Gold!)  I think, but I’m not sure, that is where the term “hard boiled” detective comes from.  Maybe not.  In any case, Omelette liked to keep his “sunny side” up, and I feel the same way!  By now, you might be wondering why I’m discussing Hamlet and his brother….. because I am packing for my trip to jolly old England!

Even though I’m working hard I’ve gained a few pounds.  (I went to the bank for some British currency.)  I gained 400 pounds to be exact, but it cost me an arm and a leg.  (Not literally, mind you, just a figure of speech.)  I thought it wise to have some Brit money when I land at Heathrow Airport on Saturday.  I’m just hoping that I am able to fully communicate with our English cousins.  (They do speak funny.)  If I recall, Winston Churchill once said that England and America are two similar countries…. separated by a common language!

I’m not too concerned about encountering a language barrier, but I do have to watch my pronunciation on this trip because I have been invited to speak about my book and sign some copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT at several functions in London.  Two of the most prominent Elvis Presley Fan Clubs in England have invited me to tea and crumpets (What the heck is a crumpet, anyway?)  and I have tentatively accepted their invitations.  (I say “tentatively” because I want to know what a crumpet is before I accept!)  I’m guessing it’s like a trumpet, only a string instrument.  (No problem, I  had to pull a few strings to get the invite!)  Maybe I should look it up before I go.  The English have some very peculiar habits.  The last time I was in London, my hotel waiter asked me if I would like to bring a couple of tarts back to my room!  (I had brought my own ladyfingers, thank you.)

Nonetheless, I was quite flattered by the invitations, and if my schedule permits, I will certainly attend both events.  My first stop will be the British Museum, and then a short visit with some noble personages.  (We have been invited to lunch by the Duke of Wellington.)  Or was that the Duke of Earl?  One of the two.  I also intend to dine with an old friend of mine who is an insurance underwriter at Lloyds of London.  He is a charming chap, and the last time we dined together he introduced me to the best Indian food in the city.  I am a curry fanatic, and I adore Indian cuisine.  In fact, I always compliment the chef after I gouge myself.  (No, I don’t do it to curry favor!)  I do it because I love curry flavor.  And everything else on the menu!

I made reservations at two wonderful Indian restaurants….. and I hope I don’t have any trouble finding them.  I think I’ll be all right.  You know what they say in Mumbai.  (“Sikh and ye shall find!”)  How hard could it be to find the two top-rated Indian restaurants in London?  (Famous last words.)  I shall keep you informed of my Punjabi progress…. but keep your fingers crossed for me, just in case!

Well, my friends, pip pip and cheerio!  I must go find my passport and disposable underwear for the trip.  (You never want to mix the two up when you get to Customs!)

Take care, have a wonderful day, and I shall write again whence I get settled in London……

LONG THE KING!   (Elvis)

Doc Yanoff