GOOD NEWS TRAVELS FAST!

A LOT FASTER THAN ME ON THE INTERSTATE!  Fellow travelers, I am proud to announce that I recently signed a new book contract, and that in mid-April, my fourth masterpiece will be published!  (Just in time to pay my taxes!) Please, hold your applause.  (Never mind, clap!)  Murder Ink Press, in collaboration with Penguin Publishers, will be publishing my first non-fiction book, titled THE SECOND MOURNING.  (The True Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder.)  The book will reveal the true events surrounding the assassination of President James A. Garfield, our twentieth President.  I’m told that it will be available in hard-back, soft-back, and ebook versions.  Readers will be able to purchase the book on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and a large number of traditional book stores.  (Including BookPeople in Austin, Texas.)

I would like to thank each and every one of our 7,000 blog followers, because without your continued support, none of this would have been possible.  You folks are the best and I’m honored to be invited into your homes each Sunday.  We gained many new followers on our last book tour, which ended two days ago, and took us to Dallas, Texarkana, Little Rock, Nashville, Chattanooga, Atlanta, Valdosta, Boca Raton, Fort Lauderdale, Tallahassee, Mobile, Baton Rouge, and Houston!  Whew, what a drive!  Two thousand miles in two weeks!

While we were gone, the Winter Olympics “played out.”  You know what that means.  American athletes will now be appearing on cereal boxes!  (“Flakey” idea.  Too “corny.”)  I hear that Vladimir Putin wants to put his face on a box of crackers!  (Ever heard of “Putin on the Ritz?”)  Ouch!

Several of our curious blog followers have asked about my favorite road stop.  There were many great stops, but my personal favorite was Lynchburg, Tennessee, the charming town where they produce Jack Daniel’s Sour Mash Whiskey.  After a brief tour of the distillery, we sampled some Old No. 7, and from what I remember, our “spirits” were truly lifted!  (I think I met a guy named Jim Beam and a fellow named George Dickels, but don’t quote me on that!)  If you think I’m joking, I’ve got (ninety) proof!

Speaking of “blithe spirits,” I would like to say happy birthday to Ms. Barbara Talbott, who will be turning 39 or 49 tomorrow.  I forget her exact age, but I congratulate Barbara on reaching a new pinochle.  (I could have said pinnacle, but she’s a “real card!”)  Well, at least she’s playing with a “full deck!”  (Unlike me!)  Have a great day, darling!

In closing, I would like to remind you that we are now in the midst of Daylight Savings Time.  (Why don’t banks ever offer daylight savings accounts?)  Anyway, don’t forget the old motto:   “Spring back and fall ahead.”  Wait a minute, maybe it’s “Spring forward and fall back.”  Well, I don’t suppose it really matters.  Sooner or later you’ll have the right time.

Well, I’m off to the office to pay some bills, make some excuses, and catch up on my fan mail.  (I received a letter from my Mom.)  I hope everyone has a safe and happy week.  We will chat again next Sunday!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Depending on my computer skills, which are minimal, you might see a photograph attached to this blog post.  Be the first to identify the person in the photo and you will win a $50 gift card!  (I will post the winner’s name next Sunday.)  Good luck!

 

CharlesGuiteau

DOOM WITHOUT GLOOM!

CHEER UP, MY FELLOW AMERICANS…..  I just received word that my Sunday blog will continue to receive funding even if our government shuts down on October 1st!    Nice to see that someone in Washington, D.C. has their priorities straight.  I understand they are taking some money from Homeland Security and putting into Homeland Humor.  Smart move.  Now I can continue producing sub-standard humor for the masses.  Hey, if a joke can’t stand on its own two feet, would that be considered a “lame joke?”  Hmmm.

Boy, some people are sooooo immature.  I’ve been trying to convince my family and friends that a semi-famous author like me needs a concubine.  (which is TOTALLY different than a porcupine.)  They think I’m being silly.  (Me, silly?)  If I had a concubine I would go from being an aspiring author to a perspiring one, and after all, isn’t that the goal of fame?  Look what hyper-sexuality did for Miley You-Can’t-Be-Serious, or Cyrus, or whatever her name might be.  (Meow.)

In case you’re wondering, my shoulder injury is behind me.  (Then again, both shoulders are behind me.)  I have been fully healed thanks to the magical touch of Will Ravenel, the world’s greatest rolfing therapist….. and a darn good magician, too!  Between coin tricks, Will works wonders with woefully worrisome and weary women and men who are willing to wander into his winsomely wonderful world.  (I dare you to say that ten times fast!)

Some of my fans are wondering if I am still planning to coat the back cover of my latest book (THE GRACELAND GANG) with Elmer’s Glue.  I’m not sure.  I’ve always wanted to write a book that people can’t put down.

Speaking of “put downs,” if those knuckleheads in Washington can’t reach an agreement, I will have to cancel my upcoming book tour to the Capitol.  My publisher was planning to hold a modest book release party on the steps of the Library of Congress, but if the government shuts down, the library closes.  Just between you and me, I sometimes wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Personally, I’m starting to dislike politics, even though I was named after George Washington, the father of our country.  (He was named in 1732, and I was named after that.)  I’m fed up with all of the bickering, yelling, threats, and accusations.  But enough about that concubine, let’s conclude on a happier note!

Did you know that the average person takes 17,280 breaths per day?  Well, now you do, so don’t forget to brush your teeth and gargle.  You need fresh breath to “scope” out the opposite sex.  Trust me, I’ve “brushed up” on this subject.  Feel free to cut and “paste” this paragraph.  All right, I’m running out of bad puns, so it’s time to leave…..  Have a great week and travel safely!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

YANOFF WINS NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE… DIDN’T I USE THIS SCHTICK LAST SUNDAY?  (I thought it sounded familiar!)  Well, fuhgetaboutit.  I never use a joke twice… unless I’m visiting my mother in south Florida.  (A lot of seniors in Boca Raton are hard of hearing, so I am forced to repeat most of my jokes.)  Do you realize that if the cities of Baton Rouge and Boca Raton merged the new city would be called Baton Raton?  Jeez, they would have gators and waders.  (There would also be some reptile dysfunctions, but I digress….. )

Speaking of awards (ones that I have actually received) my newest book, DEVIL’S COVE, was recently chosen as the “Mystery of the Month” by the Lake Charles (Louisiana) Book Club.  God willing, I will actually make it up to Lake Charles in the near future, and will be signing books for the group.  (Thank you for the honor!)

And since we’re discussing books and honors…..  It was my pleasure to recently donate some books (MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE an DEVIL’S COVE) to Angela Plunkett, a fellow member of the River Place Garden Club.  (The club that has added so much beauty to our community.)  Angela is a tireless supporter of a wonderful organization called the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.  (The books will be used in a gift bag at an upcoming fundraiser.)  Thank God we still have people like Angela who try to make the world a safer place!

So what else is new?  Well, my newest novel, THE GRACELAND GANG, is now with my new publisher and we have about two weeks of final revisions ahead of us.  The book cover is outstanding, and with the revisions and new chapters, I feel confident about the Pulitzer thing.  (Confident that SOMEBODY will win the award this year!)

My poker career has taken another unusual turn…. during the past week, I played in 3 tournaments, and placed third, fourth, and fifth!  I’d better stop playing for a while or I’m going to end up in last place!  Nonetheless, my fortuitous victories have earned me a great sum of money, which I will be donating to the S.S.C.F.  (Self-Serving Cruise Fund)

Last week I had the privilege of conducting a book signing in the lovely burg of McKinney.  (north Texas)  If you’re ever in that part of the state, you should check out Churchill’s British Restaurant & Pub.  Very interesting spot, and they have some great beers on tap.  (Not to mention Cragganmore single-malt Scotch!)  They also have other “spirits”……..  On the second Thursday of each month they host something called “Psychic Night.”  My aunt was a psycho, I mean, psychic, and she used to read palms.  (Lots of palms in Boca Raton.)  She wasn’t very good at predicting the future.  In fact, she was only “medium.”

In any case, if you enjoy psychic readings, then this is the place for you.  (They used to do Ouija, but folks got “bored.”)  You get it, Ouija Board?  Never mind.  (I’m predicting a few groans!)  Well, it’s time for me to dig into a cheese pocket, so I will bid you adieu.  Have a wonderful week and enjoy life!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

YANOFF NOMINATED FOR PULITZER PRIZE!

WELL, THIS IS A HEADLINE WE WILL NEVER SEE, BUT….. YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT GOT YOUR ATTENTION!

Look, my life is an open book.  I can’t help it if nobody wants to read the darn thing.  Speaking of books…  (wasn’t that a clever segue?)  I regret to announce that my upcoming book signing in Syria has been cancelled by the State (of confusion) Department.  Just as well.  My last engagement in Syria was a bomb.  (Oops, poor choice of words.)  Our tour bus broke down in Jerusalem and we had to walk all the way to the Syrian capital.  The road to Damascus was the turning point of my life, and me and a guy named Paul (our bus driver) found the experience rather heavenly.

But I undress, I mean, digress…..  Where was I?   First, I would like to thank Dr. Gary Rubenstein for the healing shoulder patches he provided to lessen the discomfort of my recent rotator cuff injury.  They worked wonders, and I am now back on the parallel bars, training for the Tokyo Olympics.  (Talk about “stretching” the truth!)

Second, I am proud to announce that DEVIL’S COVE  (Book three in the Adam Gold Mystery Series) was recently chosen as the “Outstanding New Mystery of the Year” by the Baytown Book Club of Harris County.  (Near Houston.)  Thank you, folks.  I greatly appreciate the award!   Incidentally, THE PRESLEY PLOT is in the final stage of revision, and if all goes well, it should be re-released at a gala book party sometime in October.  (Hopefully at Graceland in Memphis or at the Elvis Presley Center in Tupelo!)

My (semi) professional poker career took a direct hit last Thursday evening.  Just as the Mighty Cobra (me) was closing in on the final table and the championship, I ran into “The Black Widow.”   (The new poker name of the beautiful and talented Sharon Francia.)  I had 3 eights, and was reaching for a mountain of chips, when Sharon announced that the third “8” gave her a straight!  (Thereby sending me “straight home.”)  I’m telling you, life just ain’t fair!

But, please, do not feel sorry for me…..  Last night we attended a delightful pool party, given by the Prince and Princess of Portugal, Lee and Helena Bomblatus.   The food, conversation, and weather were perfect!  We dined on gourmet cheese, prosciutto and melon, insalata caprese, corn pudding, and marvelous grilled salmon.  (Washed down with some darn good wine!)  It was a memorable meal, and a lovely way to slide into September.  Our host and hostess are on their way to Portugal for an extended vacation, and we wish them well!  (Bring back some olives for me!)

Tonight is another party, but this one is downtown….. at a terrific new brewery in Austin.  (Pale Dog IPA)  I know what you’re thinking….  when does this man have time to write?  To be honest, I write between naps.  Not an easy task, but somebody has to do it.  (Now that Vince Flynn and Elmore Leonard are gone.)  Granted, there is a great deal of pressure on me, but I can handle the stress.  I’m tough as nails.  (fingernails!)

Well, my dear friends, I must leave you now…..  I am on my way to Castle Hill Fitness Center, where, upon my arrival, I shall receive a wonderful deep tissue massage.  I’m sure this will be a “touching” experience.  Please keep those cards and letters coming, have a safe week, and enjoy life!

Love to all……

Doc Yanoff

P.S.   I’d like to wish all of my Jewish acquaintances a Happy and Healthy New Year!

LOVE’S LABOUR’S LOST!

NO, I’M NOT REFERRING TO BILL SHAKESPEARE’S PLAY!

Yesterday’s strike is over!  I struck out!  Judge Susan (who many of you know) has issued a temporary restraining order (a lot of folks think I should be restrained permanently!)  which requires me to go back to work and write another humorous blog post.  If I do not comply, she will hold me in contempt.  (I’d rather be held in her arms, but I digress.)  Well, you know what they say about the long arm of the law.  So…..

Did you know that Labor Day has NOTHING to do with pregnancy?  The holiday is always celebrated on the first Monday in September.  Oregon was the first state to make it a legal holiday.  (On February 21, 1887)  It became a federal holiday in 1894, when signed into law by Grover Cleveland.  (Cleveland was born in New Jersey, which was very confusing.  Supposedly, his parents wanted to name him Hoboken, but they were afraid that the neighborhood kids would call him “Hobo.”)   All right, I just made that up, but it’s still funny.

In recent years, Labor Day has become a huge retail sales day.  (Second only to the Christmas season’s “Black Friday.”)  It also marks the official end of summer, and in high society, the last day of the year when it is fashionable to wear a seersucker suit.  (I once saw a suit at Sears, and I was the sucker who bought it!)  I used to buy my clothes at Robert Hall.  (Robert threw them out and I hauled them in!)  I also had a pair of Buster Brown shoes.  (Brown on the top and bustin’ out of the sides!)  Right now I’m wearing my summer clothes.  (Summer mine, summer my brother’s!)  All right, all right, I’ll stop with the clothing jokes!

My wife (the health nut) asked me to join her at Pilates class this morning.  I thought she said “pie and latte,” so I went with her.  God, what a disappointment.  They asked me to leave!  Did you know that it is considered inappropriate to take video of a woman in tights?  Sounds like I’m “stretching the truth,” but that class was really weird.  (No coed showers?  What’s that about?)

Hey, my beautiful daughter, Rachel, was featured on KVUE this week.  (A local station here in Austin)  They were doing a segment on local artists and Rachel’s work was highlighted.  She does extraordinary custom paint designs for all sorts of businesses in the city.  (Great interview, but she failed to mention her father or any of his books!)

Speaking of books……  (nice transition, eh?)  My new publisher, Murder Ink Press, has come up with an outstanding new title for the re-issuance of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  (I’m not supposed to let the cat out of the bag until the release date.)  The new cover is also terrific, and I think that all of my fans and followers will be quite pleased.  The revised edition will be released sometime in September.

Well, I must leave you now.  I am off to a wonderful barbecue at Jaime and Gary Rubinstein’s house.  They have a gorgeous new home in Lakeway, and they are superb hosts.  A great time will be had by all.  (Gary does the cooking, and believe me, he makes food fit for a king.  Here King, here King….. )

Again, happy Labor Day.  And remember, if work is so great, how come they have to pay you to do it???     Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

THE KING IS DEAD….. ANOTHER ONE GONE!

First, it was Elvis Presley, who died on August 16, and now we have lost the King of crime novelists, Elmore Leonard.  Needless to say, I was a huge fan, and more than that, a student of the “Elmore Leonard School of Writing.”  Mr. Leonard was born in 1925, in New Orleans, which undoubtedly provided an early introduction to colorful and unsavory characters.  (His second choice was Washington, D.C.)

One of the things that fascinated me most about this man was his earliest writings, which were not crime-related, but Westerns!  Did you know that he wrote “Valdez Is Coming,” “Hombre,” “The Bounty Hunters,” and “3:10 to Yuma?”  After the western lost popularity, he began to write crime-based books, and I understand that he did quite well!

Sometimes called “The Dickens of Detroit,” (his hometown) Leonard was famous for his sparse writing, and the best advice he gave to beginning writers was this:  “Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.”  Wise words from a wise man.  There will never be another quite like him, but let’s face it, I’m pretty darn close.  (Hey, he only sold 150,000,000 more books than me.)

So what else is new?  Well, in connection with two new mystery novels that I’m working on, I have been spending some time at the gun range, trying out some weaponry that I may let Adam Gold use in his upcoming adventures.  (No, I didn’t go off “half-cocked” and I don’t think I’m a “big shot” either.)  Always good to know what a weapon feels like before your main character starts blasting away.  (The bazooka was too cumbersome and heavy as hell!)

Playing under the nom de plume (or non de plum if you prefer fruit) of “The Mighty Cobra,” I managed to extend my poker legend by placing 2nd. in last week’s poker tournament, which I dubbed “Venom & Denim.”  I wound up at the final table through a combination of skill, luck, and cheating.  Nonetheless, my second place finish garnered a huge cash payout…… and even better, I won a copy of my own damn book!  (THE PRESLEY PLOT)  Now I actually have to read the darn thing!

Judge Susan is coming over this afternoon for a pool party, and I am quite excited because I heard her and Patty talking about wearing thongs outside.  Never a dull moment around here!  If things work out (or off) I will post some inappropriate photographs on Facebook.  (God, I hope they weren’t talking about flip-flops.)

Well, dear friends, I must leave you now.  Time to skim the pool and install the film in the underwater camera.  (We shall see what “develops!”)  After the party is over, I’ll sneak outside, and if I get caught, I’ll just say that I was……  “removing some film from the pool!”  Yeah, I know, I need a job.

Love to all!

Doc Yanoff