WELL, THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS YOU’VE GOTTEN ME INTO! Thanks to you, my nearly 4,000 faithful blog followers, my new mystery novel, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, has sold over 300 books this past week. Wonderful, you say? Have you considered the tax implications of becoming a famous author? My accountant, Jesse James Lipschitz, tells me that I now owe the I.R.S. a substantial amount of money. (Which is why I’m not filing a tax return this year.) What can they do to me? Throw me in jail? Come to think of it, Al Capone ended up in Al-catraz!
Please don’t worry about me or my finances. Just keep buying as many copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE as you can afford. I’ll worry about the tax thing after I’m caught, I mean, after the books are bought. By the way, did you know that Al Capone only dated bank tellers? That’s where we get the term “safe sex.” (Jeez, that joke should be “barred!”)
Incidentally, the new book (Murder on Maiden Lane) came out just beautiful. It’s much thicker than The Presley Plot and it’s printed on high quality creme-colored paper. Aberdeen Bay did a wonderful job this time around, and there are no mistakes in the text. (I actually proofread the book this time!) If you need an autographed copy, just contact me and I’ll see what I can do. (If you live in a foreign country, you can always sign it on my behalf. Who will know?)
What else is happening in the world? Well, last Thursday, Barbara Talbott, a/k/a The Dragon-Slayer, won second place at the Waterloo Loose-Woman and Hopeless Hombre Poker Tournament in Austin. I made it to the final table (what else is new?) but my “big slick” (suited ace and king) did not hold up, and I was crushed by a lousy pair of fives. Life ain’t fair.
I don’t know about you, but I feel sorry for those pesky North Koreans. The New York Times reported that because of food shortages and poor nutrition, North Koreans are now, on average, two inches shorter than South Koreans! But wait, there’s a silver lining to this story… if we wait a few years nobody in North Korea will be tall enough to reach the missile launch buttons on the console! Speaking of short turds, did you know that Kim Jung-un has officially banned “capitalist celebrations.” including Christmas?! Who bans Christmas? Only a grinch. (I read that Kim Jung-un was an ugly child. How ugly? During Christmas, they would hang him up and kiss the mistletoe! (There I go with the missiles again!) I pity his poor wife, Holly. She has to bow whenever he enters the room. (Surely you’ve heard of the “bows of Holly?”) Dang, if I keep going, I might start a war!
Due to an unexpected tooth extraction, followed by a slight case of “dry socket,” I was forced to cancel my one and only speaking engagement this past week. (You might have seen them celebrating in Giddings.) Nonetheless, I am now “well-healed,” and ready to resume my illustrious career as a literary diplomat! So, look for my next missive (again with the missiles?) as it will be a good one…..
Have a safe and happy week… Love to all,