September 4, 2016

SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES ME!

Do you remember that wonderful movie? It was based upon the true story of the real Rocky… the great Rocky Graziano. First released in 1956, it is considered to be one of Paul Newman’s best performances. The first person who can tell me who played the part of “Fidel,” will win an autographed copy of my newest mystery, A RUN FOR THE MONEY. Good luck!

The reason I mentioned this movie is because I too seem to be blessed. How so, you ask? Well, believe it or not, I just won another book award, and this one was totally unexpected. I was recently informed that my first history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has been chosen as one of the best non-fiction books of the year by BOOKSANDAUTHORS.COM. These folks publish an online magazine for book lovers, which includes book reviews, author interviews, publishing news, book contests, and much more.

The “Book of the Year” awards are chosen by an elite panel of publishing professionals who “seek out literary gems from both established writers and first time authors, novels that whisk the reader to unfamiliar times and places, thrillers that are more than just “page-turners,” and thought provoking non-fiction that entertains as it informs.” (How are all these words going to fit on my trophy?)

I might have to go to Chicago to receive my award in person, so if anyone out there has an extra bullet-proof vest and a high-capacity rifle that I can borrow, I would be very appreciative. (Even more appreciative if I survive the trip!) On second thought, maybe I could send my wife, or my new publicist, Blind Lemon Jefferson. (Hey, somebody has to go!)

Speaking of trips, I had the pleasure of speaking to a charming book club in Blanco last week. Blanco (which is the Spanish word for “Blanco”) is a small town in the heart of the Texas Hill Country. The Old County Courthouse in town served as a set for the 2010 version of the film “True Grit.” (The Redbud Cafe served hot grits.) If you like museums, you can visit the Buggy Barn Museum. I skipped this one, but only because I hate bugs. ( I can’t imagine why anyone would want to keep insects in a barn. ) Oh wait, they might be referring to horse-drawn buggies. Never mind.

If you like barbecue, you might want to try the Old 300 BBQ Restaurant. (Which takes its name from the original 300 settlers that Stephen F. Austin brought to Texas, NOT the cost of a meal.) Personally, I would skip the food and head on over to Real Ale Brewing, where one might consume a craft beer or two before heading back to Austin.

Incidentally, our book tour to enchanting New Mexico (and Durango, Colorado) has been postponed until the spring of 2017, so if you live in those areas, I hope to see you then. I will, of course, post our complete itinerary once it becomes available. (I do need to wait until my publicist, Mr. Jefferson, completes rehab and pays a modest fine to the Republic of Slovenia.) Don’t ask, long story.

Well, that’s about it for me. I happen to be babysitting today, so I need to freshen up my margarita before sweet little Goldie wakes up from her nap. I’m hoping to watch an old Gregory Peck movie when she awakes. Have you ever seen “Tequila Mockingbird?” Great movie, salty language, but you can rent one without salt. You should give it a “shot!” Have a great week!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

July 27, 2014

BACK IN BUSINESS!

Monkey business, that is! As some of you know, I taught various communication courses at St. Edward’s University in Austin for about 7 years, and every so often, I still participate in “relationship seminars,” which are designed to improve communication between couples and promote marital bliss. (Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise!) Well, this year I brought my wife to a seminar, and after 37 years of marriage, I learned some new things about the old girl…..

First, I learned that I had indeed married “MRS. RIGHT.” What I didn’t know, but soon learned, was that her first name was “ALWAYS!” Second, I learned that my darling wife enjoys “romance” in the morning. (Right after I go to work!) Third, I learned that my wife simply desires a man who’s loyal, faithful, patient, attentive, forgiving, even-tempered, and a good listener. (What she really needs is a dog!)

After the seminar, we drove down to Port Aransas, a lovely town on the Texas Gulf Coast. They have a great beach, but surprisingly, there were turtle nests all along the shore. They’re interesting to observe, but they make a mess of your tires. Fortunately, the turtles are on the endangered species list. Every so often a mama turtle tries to crawl into the dunes to lay her eggs, but sometimes they run out of gas. In that instance, she has to stop at a “Shell station.” Hey, I just thought of something….. If a turtle breaks down on the beach, would that be considered a “reptile dysfunction?”

Speaking of dysfunctions…..

A word about the DEMOCRAT PARTY… President Obama’s approval rating has fallen to 35% The drug-addicted mayor of Toronto has an approval rating of 45% Do you realize what this means? People would rather smoke crack than sign up for Obamacare!

A word about the REPUBLICAN PARTY… The President is demanding that Congress do something about the Minimum Wage. If there is one group of people who know something about doing the Minimum for their Wage, it’s definitely Congress!

A word about the PREGNANT PARTY… I hear that Miss Kellie (Judge Susan’s daughter) had a lovely baby shower. Why the baby needed a shower is beyond me, but what do I know? (Not much.) Hey, do you think they have baby showers in Bath, England? Anyway, we wish Miss Kellie the very best and we are looking forward to meeting her clean little darling in a month or two.

Finally, I would like to say a word about my first 3 mystery novels (The Graceland Gang, The Pirate Path, and Devil’s Cove.) I would also like to mention my non-ficiton masterpiece, The Second Mourning. Never mind. That would be tacky. Simply a cheap and under-handed way to get my blog followers to think of my books, and perhaps, if they had the time and wherewithal, order a copy or two from Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, or Nook. I refuse to stoop to such dastardly depths of depravity! (By the way, the books can also be purchased at BookPeople in Austin.)

Well, now that my moral compass is pointing in the right direction, I must leave you for a gourmet breakfast/pool party on the veranda! My daughter Rebecca and her boyfriend Peter are on their way to Villa Yanoff for a traditional New York Sunday Morning Feast! (Bagels, lox, and cream cheese!) Yummy in my tummy! Luckily, they are also bringing Madame Romy. Who might this be? Check out the attached photograph that I have hopefully managed to include….. Have a great week….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

May 4, 2014

THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER!

DON’T ASK ME WHY, but for some ungodly reason I actually volunteered to “dog sit” my two grand-dogs this week. Baker is a cockapoo, eleven years old, and rather well behaved. Romy is a labradoodle, still a puppy, and proof positive that mental illness is hereditary. (You get it from your children!) Yep, little Romy is adorable, but hell on wheels. How can one dog chew on sooooo many different substances? You’d think metal and rocks would be off-limits, but not with this little lady! Her motto is thus: “I came. I saw. I chewed to shreds.”

As you can tell, I am having a “ruff” week, but this too shall pass. (Won’t it?) My daughters are off to weddings and vacations in San Diego and Hawaii, and I’m stuck at the dog pound! (And believe me, there are times when I’d like to pound you-know-who, but she’s just too dang cute for words!) Baker is white (which rhymes with right) and Romy is brown. (Which rhymes with “nervous breakdown.”) Why couldn’t my daughters get cats like other kids?

Oddly enough, I also had an unusual week book-wise. As many of you know, THE SECOND MOURNING was recently published, and thanks to folks like you, is doing quite well in the sales department. (Over two hundred books were sold on the first two days alone!) However, I spent most of the week discussing THE GRACELAND GANG, as the Elvis Presley Center in Tupelo was interested in obtaining some more books for their gift shop. What started as a simple phone call, ended up as a full-fledged interview with their newsletter editor. (By the way, a number of buildings were severely damaged in Tupelo during last week’s storm, but the Presley Center was spared. Definitely ‘Divine Intervention!’)

During my telephone interview, the editor asked me about the most surprising thing I discovered about Elvis Presley. There were plenty of surprises, but one of the most interesting was the fact that Gladys Presley’s grandmother was Jewish. (Gladys was Elvis Presley’s adored mother.) Interestingly, The King was quite fascinated with his religious ancestry, and during his lifetime he wore a “chai necklace” and often carried yarmulke in his pocket!

When I visited Graceland, I met one of the caretakers, and he told me something intriguing that I did not know… Elvis actually spoke Hebrew and often sang in the Hebrew language! The next time you go to Memphis, go to Graceland, and you will notice that his mother’s tombstone (She is buried in Meditation Garden) is engraved with a “Star of David,” to acknowledge her own roots. If you would like to learn more, just buy a copy of THE GRACELAND GANG, and you will be ready to go on a quiz show and win some big bucks!

Did you read the Wall Street Journal on Friday? A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it. Hmmm.

A funny thing happened to my neighbor last week. He went to a dude ranch in Bandera, Texas, and rode a donkey! (He’s afraid of horses.) While he was riding the range, a horse kicked up a rock and knocked him off the donkey. Don’t worry, he wasn’t injured. In fact, he just got stoned off his ass. (Ouch!)

I don’t mean to be annoying, but please don’t forget to SAVE THE DATE. (Friday, June 6, 2014.) As some of you know, I will speaking at BookPeople in downtown Austin at 7 p.m. You are all invited, and please remember, everything is free. (Free admission, free parking, free books.) All right, I’m lying about the books, but everything else is free! Hopefully, the margarita machine will be working!

Well, my friends, it is time to take the dogs to the butcher, I mean, the park. (Freudian slip!) I do hope that my daughters appreciate me. (and my wife, who is doing the early morning shift.) I fully expect not only a case of beer, but an ocean-front condominium in the resort area of my choosing!) Ideally, a condominium resort that does NOT allow pets!!

Love to all, and please, keep me in your prayers!!

Doc Yanoff (And “Ma Barker!”)

March 23, 2014

FREQUENCY IS IMPORTANT!

NO, NOT THAT KIND OF FREQUENCY! I’m referring to your radio frequency, ergo I shall remind thee of my upcoming radio interview, scheduled for this Tuesday, March 25th. If you prefer, I will post a link to the podcast and you can listen at your leisure. I’ve heard a tape of the interview, and I was very pleased. (I only mispronounced my main character’s name once!) The host, Jack Drucker, was exceedingly complimentary, which was a very pleasant surprise. (He must not read a lot!) Mr. Drucker thinks I might become a household name. (If I change my name to Stephen Can-Opener.) In any case it was a great experience and a terrific opportunity to discuss DEVIL’S COVE and my other semi-brilliant mystery novels.

As some of you know, my first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING is now in the hands of my publisher. I’m told to expect a publication date in mid-April, which is a lovely time of year down here in Austin, Texas. (Wildflowers and such) I shall keep you informed of my progress. So, how was your St. Paddy’s Day? Did you know that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland? (One reptile kept asking, “Are we there yet?” Another had to stop and use the bathroom.) I’m not sure, but I think the snakes were driven west, toward the District of Columbia. Just saying.

My literary agent (Black Bart Berkowitz) tells me that my name was recently added to Vladimir Putin’s “no travel” list. (I am now persona non gratitude in Russia.) No big deal. Did you know that there is a group of Russians that are claiming that Putin is a ruthless tyrant? Do you know what they’re called? Missing.

Speaking of oddities, did you hear about the “Woman’s Butt Size Study” that was conducted at Harvard University? The results were quite interesting: 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. 30% of women think their ass is too fat. 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he is a good man and they wouldn’t trade him for the world! (Would you folks like to guess which category my wife is in?) Women!

After a short absence (due to parole requirements) I have returned to the world of professional, high-stakes poker. Registering under the name of The Mighty Cobra (a lot of snakes in this blog, huh?) I managed to make the final table at the huge Steiner Ranch Tournament last Thursday! If you can identify the photograph attached to this blog, I just might share my winnings with you! (All right, maybe not, but I will autograph your copy of THE SECOND MOURNING.)

Finally, I would like to mention that my book signing at the Barton Creek Mall has been postponed. (At my request.) I must attend another function, a birthday party hosted by the eminent Judge Susan! We will be celebrating the birthdays of Patricia E. Yanoff (a living saint) and Ms. Barbara Talbott (a true martyr) Gifts are not necessary, unless you want some food or drink or don’t care about walking around with a black eye and a broken arm.

In closing I would like to remind you that life is short….. so smile while you still have teeth!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

March 9, 2014

GOOD NEWS TRAVELS FAST!

A LOT FASTER THAN ME ON THE INTERSTATE! Fellow travelers, I am proud to announce that I recently signed a new book contract, and that in mid-April, my fourth masterpiece will be published! (Just in time to pay my taxes!) Please, hold your applause. (Never mind, clap!) Murder Ink Press, in collaboration with Penguin Publishers, will be publishing my first non-fiction book, titled THE SECOND MOURNING. (The True Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder.) The book will reveal the true events surrounding the assassination of President James A. Garfield, our twentieth President. I’m told that it will be available in hard-back, soft-back, and ebook versions. Readers will be able to purchase the book on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and a large number of traditional book stores. (Including BookPeople in Austin, Texas.)

I would like to thank each and every one of our 7,000 blog followers, because without your continued support, none of this would have been possible. You folks are the best and I’m honored to be invited into your homes each Sunday. We gained many new followers on our last book tour, which ended two days ago, and took us to Dallas, Texarkana, Little Rock, Nashville, Chattanooga, Atlanta, Valdosta, Boca Raton, Fort Lauderdale, Tallahassee, Mobile, Baton Rouge, and Houston! Whew, what a drive! Two thousand miles in two weeks!

While we were gone, the Winter Olympics “played out.” You know what that means. American athletes will now be appearing on cereal boxes! (“Flakey” idea. Too “corny.”) I hear that Vladimir Putin wants to put his face on a box of crackers! (Ever heard of “Putin on the Ritz?”) Ouch!

Several of our curious blog followers have asked about my favorite road stop. There were many great stops, but my personal favorite was Lynchburg, Tennessee, the charming town where they produce Jack Daniel’s Sour Mash Whiskey. After a brief tour of the distillery, we sampled some Old No. 7, and from what I remember, our “spirits” were truly lifted! (I think I met a guy named Jim Beam and a fellow named George Dickels, but don’t quote me on that!) If you think I’m joking, I’ve got (ninety) proof!

Speaking of “blithe spirits,” I would like to say happy birthday to Ms. Barbara Talbott, who will be turning 39 or 49 tomorrow. I forget her exact age, but I congratulate Barbara on reaching a new pinochle. (I could have said pinnacle, but she’s a “real card!”) Well, at least she’s playing with a “full deck!” (Unlike me!) Have a great day, darling!

In closing, I would like to remind you that we are now in the midst of Daylight Savings Time. (Why don’t banks ever offer daylight savings accounts?) Anyway, don’t forget the old motto: “Spring back and fall ahead.” Wait a minute, maybe it’s “Spring forward and fall back.” Well, I don’t suppose it really matters. Sooner or later you’ll have the right time.

Well, I’m off to the office to pay some bills, make some excuses, and catch up on my fan mail. (I received a letter from my Mom.) I hope everyone has a safe and happy week. We will chat again next Sunday!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Depending on my computer skills, which are minimal, you might see a photograph attached to this blog post. Be the first to identify the person in the photo and you will win a $50 gift card! (I will post the winner’s name next Sunday.) Good luck!

November 21, 2012

GOBBLE GOBBLE!

HAPPY HOLIDAY! Did you know that the very first Thanksgiving was held in a car? Yep, in a PLYMOUTH! (The Pilgrims couldn’t afFORD anything else and they didn’t want to DODGE the party!) You can’t make these things up, folks. (Well, actually you can, but I won’t go there.) Anyway, a lot of Americans think this wonderful holiday has something to do with Captain John Smith and his main squeeze Pocahontas, but that is simply not the case. I will admit that Captain Smith (almost) lost his head over her, but that’s only because he was rude. (He kept pointing at her during dinner and then, after some cheap corn whiskey, he tried to poke her with his index finger. You should never,ever, poke a hontas!

As you can see, I know a great deal about indigent people. (Poor Indians) Did you know that Pocahontas was the daughter of Powhatan? Did you know that her uncle lived in New York City? (Yeah, his name was MANHATTAN) Did you know that one of her descendants was Nancy Reagan? (This is actually true.) But enough about her….. let’s get to the great holiday known for peace, love, and wonderful sales at the mall.

Interestingly, seven other nations celebrate THANKSGIVING! (Originally a day to celebrate a good harvest.) I, of course, celebrate life, liberty, family, friends, and steadily increasing sales of THE PRESLEY PLOT. (Do I have my priorities straight, or what?) We can all thank (no pun intended) FDR for making the day official. At his urging, Congress agreed to the 4th Thursday in November. FDR was an interesting fellow. Did you know that he was the first president to play Texas Hold ‘Em Poker? Sure, don’t you remember the NEW DEAL?

He also started the tradition of “pardoning” a turkey. (To make sure the herd continued.) This year our president intends to pardon Susan Rice! (Hey, come on, that was funny!)

Thanksgiving at our house in very, well, international. How so? We have a TURKEY, sitting in GREECE, and there are people with ROMAN hands and RUSSIAN fingers waiting for the bird to arrive. Last year my wife burnt the stuffing, which stuck to the bird. I had to kick the stuffing out of that fowl weather friend, but we did have a tasty meal. By the way, speaking of reasons to celebrate….. TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY! On this day, in 1955, ELVIS signed his contract with RCA, which included all of the famous sound tracks from Sun Studios in Memphis. I’m not sure if Elvis sold many records (ha ha) but I do know that the contract stipulated that the King produce eight sides per year, and that he received a 5% royalty. (Which is half of what I get from Aberdeen Bay Publishing.)

Well, I must go do some prep work for the big meal, so I will say goodbye until we meet again. I have sooooo much to be thankful for this year, and I know that most of you do too. We have a bunch of loved ones coming for dinner and when they all get here, I intend to remind everyone that our Founding Father (George Washington) put it best when he said that our young country should use the day “as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favours of Almighty God.”

Well said, General! Be grateful! Be thankful! Be well!

Happy Thanksgiving and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff (The Prince of Puritans!)