HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE TO WEIGH TO BE PRESIDENT? Never mind, if I run, I’ll lose weight. Since I’m fed up with both political parties, I have decided to accept the nomination of my new political group, The Texas Iced Tea Party. (Our motto: WE ARE “COOLER” THAN THOSE OTHER GUYS! ) In honor of ELVIS PRESLEY’S BIRTHDAY (which was actually yesterday, but what difference does a day make?) I would like to share my very first (self-written) political speech with all of my blog followers. Please take a moment to read and digest (or throw up) my thoughts…… I think you will see that I am cut from a different cloth. You are, of course, welcome to send in your comments and suggestions (which I will ignore) or if you insist, you may make a large contribution to my campaign. (which I will spend on tequila.) So, without further comment, I give you a sample of my political brilliance……….
“ANYTHING WORTH WINNING IS WORTH CHEATING FOR”
(A Political Speech)
Good morning, my fellow Americans. In the words of another great political leader, I have come to bury my opponent, not to praise him! As you know,
I am running against a person of INFINITE worth, but I have vowed to conduct myself with the utmost DUPLICITY, even if my opponent continues to
act in a SCRUPULOUS manner. Yes, my friends, I intend to rise above petty, PARTISAN politics, and seize the high ground ….. where I can openly
DISPARAGE my INCONSEQUENTIAL rival. Fellow citizens, these are the times that try men’s souls! And speaking of trials, I’d like to mention that
I’ve been ACQUITTED of all those CREDIBLE charges that were leveled against me. While I don’t hold a grudge, I’d like to shed some light on my
opponent’s SALUBRIOUS background. In response to an IMPRUDENT question, he recently acknowledged that he was, in fact, a HOMO SAPIEN.
Furthermore, he confessed to engaging in HETEROSEXUAL activities since puberty! I shall not pass judgement on this NATURALISTIC behavior.
However, I think it’s important to remind you that my opponent has frequently engaged in social INTERCOURSE….. often at dinner parties, surrounded
Recently, he was seen MASTICATING at a crowded restaurant in San Francisco! Later that evening, while EXPOUNDING on one of his pet projects, he
began to GESTICULATE before a group of Girl Scouts! Revealing his true nature, he offered to have a PLATONIC relationship with one of the scouts.
I hate to point out the obvious, but my opponent has become a PROPREIETOR!
Now friends, I’ve always been known as a DISINGENUOUS man, but I can only be pushed so far. Did you know that my opponent’s wife once held a missionary
position? Did you know that she was arrested for being a PROSELYTE? My God, the woman has actually written a pamphlet about religious SECTS!
As you might expect, her PIETY has led to a MONOGAMOUS relationship with her spouse. In my humble opinion this is nothing short of marital FIDELITY,
and can only lead to NUPTIAL bliss. My, how their poor children have FLOURISHED from this union. The daughter has recently become a THESPIAN, and
according to published reports, she is performing her little act in front of paying customers! Last summer, she traveled to Holland….. a country filled with dikes.
I’m told that while she was still abroad she became involved with a MENAGERIE, and would RUMINATE in front of caged PRIMATES!
Apparently, the son is cut from the same PEERLESS cloth, for he too has decided to ESCHEW promiscuity and remain in the company of CHASTE individuals.
Furthermore, he has enrolled in college and MATRICULATES on a daily basis, often surrounded by young coeds! I’m no saint, but if he EMULATES one of those
young ladies, he should be CASTIGATED!
Ladies and gentlemen, I know you must be shocked by these BANAL and MUNDANE activities, but I can assure you that all of my statements have been completely
FABRICATED and are thoroughly FATUOUS. I implore you to turn away from my opponent’s CANDOR and VERACITY, and cast you vote for me, a MISCREANT
who is undeniably VAPID. I thank you for your APATHY and indifference, and remind you to vote early and vote often!
GOD BLESSS AMERICA IF I’M ELECTED!
THE (SEMI) HONORABLE, STEPHEN G. YANOFF (I)