December 30, 2012

THE GANG THAT COULDN’T SHOOT STRAIGHT!

WELL, NOW THAT WE FIND OURSELVES TEETERING ON THE EDGE OF A FINANCIAL APOCALYPSE….. IT’S TIME FOR…..SOME HUMOR!!

(Hey, laughter is the best medicine, remember?) All right, I was just trying to envision the upcoming Senate hearings…. The hearings that will determine our next Secretary of the Treasury (assuming that Timothy Geithner is run out of town.) Sooooo…. perhaps it’s time to turn over the reins of government to a couple of “Marxists.” (Stay with me on this one!) Here goes:

GROUCHO: Wake up, Chicoletti. How would you like to be the next Secretary of the Treasury?

CHICO: I don’t think so. My legs are too hairy.

GROUCHO: What’s your view of the fiscal picture?

CHICO: That was a good movie.

GROUCO: Come again?

CHICO: “A Fiscal Full of Dollars.” Eastwood in Deadwood.

GROUCHO: (Sighing) What can you tell me about currency?

CHICO: Well, I currency live in New York.

GROUCHO: No, you idiot, I’m referring to dollars!

CHICO: My cousin lives in Dallas

GROUCHO: I’m talking about taxes!

CHICO: Yeah, that’s where he lived. Dollars, taxes.

Ah, if only George S. Kaufman and the gang were alive today! What a (W.C.) field day they would have with Washington, D.C. So…….since we are on the subject of “political theatre,” I would like to give you my take on some recent issues in the press…..

My high school buddy, Pete Weisberg, read that President Obama recently won a man date! (Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just saying.)

My Republican sweetheart (Barbaroo Talbott) heard that Eric Holder has already asked for one exemption to the upcoming “assault weapons ban.” (Eric the Red wants to exempt all Mexican Drug Cartels!) Si?

I just heard on the news that the Russians have banned all American adaptations! Commie bastards. (There goes my screenplay of “THE PRESLEY PLOT!”)

I was out of town when the Mayan Apocalypse occurred. Does anybody know if the world actually ended? Just drop me a line, so I can adjust my schedule accordingly.

SPEAKING OF WORLD CHANGING EVENTS….. Some of my (more) alert blog followers have inquired about last week’s WATERLOO POKER CHAMPIONSHIPS. NO, I DID NOT WIN! However, (you’d better sit down) Patty Yanoff, a/k/a “The Corpus Christi Crusher,” WON FIRST PLACE AND A WHEELBARROW FULL OF CASH!!! Yep, you have read correctly. The wife actually won the whole darn tournament! (Without cheating!) I would have been very proud of the dear woman, except for one thing. She kept the wheelbarrow and gave the money to charity! (How selfish is that!) I normally split my winnings with her, but not any more! Jeez, giving money to charity? Really? (Poor girl is clueless!)

AND FOR YOU ELVIS DIE-HARDS…… Did you know that on this day, in 1957, the album “Elvis’ Christmas Album” became the NUMBER ONE album in the United States? In my humble view, this is arguably one of the best holiday albums of all time. (Although, Johnny Mathis also put out an amazing album.) I do hope that nobody had a “Blue Christmas!” Which, incidentally, was the King’s FAVORITE Christmas song of all time!

I don’t want to scare anybody, but on this day, in 1862, the U.S.S. Monitor sank! (Back to the fiscal cliff?) Yikes.

Finally, for you literary types, did you know that on this day, in 1816, Shelley married Mary? (I should explain that this would be Percy Bysshe SHELLEY and MARY Wollstonecraft) Two fun people from the nineteenth century. Neither one of them had a sense of humor, but they were above average writers. (No mystery novels.) Well, that’s more than enough academia for one blog, eh? Fine, I shall return to the gutter! I just saw a truly bad movie. “Les Miserables.” It was miserable! Lots of dancing and singing, and very few guillotine scenes. What’s up with that? I wanted to see Hugh Jackman “lose his head” over some French chick. You know, observe a true “slice of life” from the Revolution. I thought the movie was going to be a “cut above,” the usual Hollywood garbage, but I was wrong. (Hey, I could have gone with the director yelling, “CUT!”)

Well, I’d better quit while I’m “ahead.” (Oops!) Sorry about that last one. I hope you all have a HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR! GOD BLESS US ALL!

Love to all….. Doc Yanoff

December 16, 2012

DRIBS AND DRABS…..

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRIB AND A DRAB?? (Me neither) Well as they say in guitar class, don’t fret. They basically mean the same thing. (“A small drop”) Some folks think that the word “Drib” is short for “Dribble.” They are wrong. You can’t get much shorter than a drib. And by the way, speaking of shortening words…. How come the word “Abbreviation” is so darn long? Does that make sense to you? (Me neither) Such is the English language, which just happens to be one of 2,700 languages in the world. (Composed of roughly 750,000 words!) Oddly enough, I can only spell 10% of them. Bummer dude.

AND NOW FOR SOME DRIBS AND DRABS……. I had my hour-long telephone interview with AMAZON BOOK CLUB on Monday. The conversation went very well and the good folks at Amazon will be dedicating a FULL PAGE to THE PRESLEY PLOT sometime in the next week or two. (I will keep you informed.) They intend to run a full book cover, my photo, and a lengthy review of the book. The Amazon Book Page will be sent to….. 100,000 websites across the world! I am very excited about this development. Book sales should swell. (Along with my ego!)

Playing under the nom de plume of “THE COBRA,” I entered a huge poker tournament this past week. The prizes were substantial (But I am loath to mention the amounts, due to my recent I.R.S. Blog followers) and as usual, I made a fine and slithering show of myself. I placed SECOND, and would have won if not for a damn “river king.” Ah well, I still had a great time and raked in some moola. (Do cows ever rake in “moo-la?”) Just asking.

Ravi Shankar passed away this week. The New York Times (a commie rag) described him as a “prolific sitarist,” but I don’t think he was that clever or funny. The lad was 92, which meant that he “strung us along” for many years. (So much for satire.) Speaking of the Times, do you guys remember William Satire, the columnist? Now he was clever and funny.

Hilary Clinton must be writing a book, too. I heard she fell down and came up with a conclusion. (She should quit while she’s still “ahead.”)

I just finished my third mystery novel yesterday! (Titled….. “DEVIL’S COVE.”) The tale is centered around the planned theft of the Gutenberg Bible from the Ransom Center in Austin. After I finished it, I realized that I could write a “healthier” sequel for folks on a special diet. In the second book, the bad guys would try to steal a “Guten-free Bible” made of protein-less wheat! (They hope to get a lot of “dough” for the book.) Do this sound like an interesting “slice” of life? Will Adam Gold “rise” to the occasion? Will he protect the “upper crust” of society? These, and many other bad puns, await my dedicated followers!

A word to some of those followers…… Our thoughts and prayers go out to my great friend Max Talbott, who is now in Indiana handling a family situation. God’s speed, cousin! Happy belated birthday to a brilliant and beautiful lady named Christine Nickles! (One of my oldest and dearest friends!) Hard to believe she’s sixty. (That means I’m getting older, too!) A big kiss to Miss Rebecca Lee. (Suffering from allergies) I hope you are feeling better today! A huge “Thank You” to the Fort Worth chapter of the Presley fanatics. They purchased a large amount of books recently. If you need some autographs, just let me know and I’ll meet you at the Stockyards! (And buy you a big steak!)

SPEAKING OF ELVIS PRESLEY…… On this day, in 1956, The King made his 50th (and final) appearance on “Louisiana Hayride.” And more importantly…… Elvis must have been a little chilly, because he was just about to be contacted by his local “draft board!” (You’re in the Army now!) One last item….. also on this day, in 2004, Lisa Marie Presley announced that she would keep Graceland, but sell the bulk of the Elvis estate. (Which she did, for….. $100,000,000!) Not bad for a hillbilly singer.

Well, I hope I have brought some cheer into your lives. (This has been a rough week for a lot of us.) Please take good care of yourselves and have a wonderful week. (As the Jewish gastroenterologist once said….. “This too shall pass!”)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

December 9, 2012

MARKETING 101 (HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE)

WHAT IS GREEN AND SINGS? GIVE UP? ….. ELVIS PARSLEY! (Hey, I could have gone with “Frank Snot-tra!) Well, in any case, this was my opening joke at the Austin Senior Center last week. Would you believe that a 90-year-0d woman told me it was lame! (She was a little lame, herself) As some of you know, I occasionally volunteer at the center. I am a C.T.C. (Certified Trip Chaperon) We bring 30 seniors on a field trip and then (ideally) return the same 30 seniors to the center. Every so often someone wanders away and then we have an awkward situation. (I personally just pick up a hitchhiker or two and then drop them off at the center.) They only count heads. (Sometimes tails.) Anyway, I love speaking to seniors. They are always the best audience and the most interesting folks. Some of the octogenarians are poor poker players, but it’s nice knowing that they only have to wait one month to get reimbursed for their losses. What a great country we live in!

I would like to extend a hardy “buenos dias” to Helena Mont’ Alverne de Sequeira and Countess Connie, the two lovely ladies that have promoted THE PRESLEY PLOT in Portugal! These two women are Lesbonians. (From Lisbon?) They are both members of the “Awesome Azores Elvis Fan Club,” one of the largest fan clubs in that part of the world! Welcome to America, ladies! I look forward to dining with you during the upcoming week. (No sardines, though!)

Last Thursday I had the honor and pleasure of speaking before the River Place Book Club here in Austin, Texas. My goodness, what a fun event that was! The speaking engagement and book signing was hosted by the lovely and talented Mrs. Claudia Tobias. Mrs. “T” has a beautiful home overlooking one of our magnificent canyons, and this being the holiday season, the entire house was decorated with Christmas ornaments. The place looked great! So cheerful and warm. I held court (after one very strong Mimosa) for two hours, and during that time, the ladies of the group asked some truly insightful and intelligent questions. (No, they did not ask for my PIN numbers!) These ladies were highly educated and very well read, and I absolutely loved the questions they asked. In all honesty, this was one of my most enjoyable outings. Sooooo…… I would like to say thanks again to my good friend Claudia, and I would also like to say “howdy” to all of the wonderful women that were present….. Pat, Suzanne, Lois, Sharon, Pam, Betty, Kay, Sylvia, Betsey, and Donna D.

AND NOW FOR YOU ELVIS FANS…… Did you know that on or near this date in 1972, Elvis Presley went shopping (Not at Barton Creek Mall) and spent more money than my own wife does on one of her mad dash outings? True enough, folks. The King spent $10,000 for 5 jumpsuits, 5 silk shirts, and repairs to 8 other jumpsuits. That, my friends, is a lot of money to spend on jumpsuits and silk, considering that Elvis never went sky-diving. He did “jump” to conclusions now and then. He also had several “leaps of faith.” And yes, he “fell” for many women. God, when will these puns ever end?? Well, shoot (chute?) I should stop while I’m ahead.

Several of my blog followers have asked when MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE will be available. (The second “Adam Gold Mystery.”) God willing, I should hear something this coming week, and as soon as I do, I will pass the news along. My publicist will be doing some holiday advertising in our local newspapers, so if you live in Texas, you might just see my face or image in your newspaper. If you can’t wait, just head on down to the post office. They have a very flattering mug shot, I mean, head shot, of me on display. (I don’t care for those profile photos.)

Finally, since this is the first day of Hanukkah, I would like to wish all of my Jewish friends a joyous week. I don’t think any other Jewish holiday can “hold a candle” to Hanukkah.

Come on, now, that was funny! L’chaim!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

December 2, 2012

THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT!

WHEN I SAY “ENGAGEMENT” I AM REFERRING TO….. Speaking engagements! I have two interesting events scheduled for this coming week. First, I will be regaling an audience of “seasoned citizens” at the Austin Senior Center, which is always fun. Wisdom comes with age. (So do Social Security checks.) On Thursday, I shall be having a delightful brunch with the charming ladies of the River Place Book Club. These wonderful women have invited me to a gourmet feast, followed by a fascinating lecture centered around THE PRESLEY PLOT and my recent foray into the cut-throat world of publishing! The event is being hosted by Claudia Tobias, a truly remarkable woman who donates many long hours to various charitable groups in our community. I think this will be great fun and I am looking forward to a lively discussion. (I know some of these ladies from the River Place Garden Club and they are a smart and worldly group.)

And speaking of smart and lively women….. Leigh Ann Woodward, one of the sweetest and most talented poker players in Texas, recently hosted the 8th Annual Kings & Queens Poker Event at her lovely country estate in Lago Vista last night. I have played in this tournament several times (and done remarkably well, I might add) so I know how much fun it is, and I also know that it attracts some very good poker players. The evening is filled with great drinks, great food, and great company! Unfortunately, I could not play this year, but I am anxious to hear who won. In any case, Leigh Ann should be congratulated for throwing one of the best Christmas-time events of the season!

Since I have been writing about South Africa recently, I think I should mention that we now have 12 new blog followers in that fascinating country! G’day mates! (Australian is as close as I can come!) Rachel (my daughter) and Adam (the son-in-law) recently returned from your beautiful country and they loved it! Of course, being related to me, you might expect one or two (how shall I put this?) “Mishaps.” For instance, when they went to Robben Island to view Nelson Mandela’s jail cell, the guard told them that “Nelson spent 18 years on this island.” Rachel, being a chip off the old block, asked, “Which one, Ricky or David?” Adam wasn’t much better. He told the guard that if Mandela had been Jewish they wouldn’t have kept him in a jail cell. (Jewish people eat “locks.”) And so it went…… Surprisingly, we still have diplomatic relations with South Africa.

AND NOW FOR SOME ELVIS PRESLEY NEWS….. I have some very exciting news for all of my fans and blog followers….. THE PRESLEY PLOT has been chosen to receive a “full book review,” by the international website called AMAZON BOOK CLUBS! This is really great news for me, and once the review is posted, it should attract world-wide attention. The Amazon Book Club selections are seen by millions of readers throughout the world and they are also posted on just about every social website known to man. (or woman) I am very excited about this development and I will keep you posted of my progress. I should get a “first draft” sometime within the next two weeks. Just between you and me, this sort of makes up for losing the Nobel Prize for Literature to that Ecuadorian Llama rancher. (I’d like to “pull the wool” over that guy sometime!) All right, I have to stop being bitter. Just let it go. Keep moving forward. (But come on, a book about Montezuma’s revenge? Really?)

Incidentally, just to keep you in the loop, I will (unless there is breaking news) be posting one blog per week from now on. (No cheering, please.) My writing commitments (the ones I get paid for!) have recently grown experimentally, I mean, exponentially. In short, there are not enough hours in the day! (I think we’re stuck at 24) I for one would vote for a longer day and a shorter night, but that’s just me. In any case, I just don’t have enough time to produce such mind-boggling brilliance twice a week and still play poker. I hope I have not disappointed anyone. You must go on with your lives. Forget about me. (Not entirely, though) We shall still meet each and every Sunday! (One more thing to pray for!)

So….. until next Sunday….. I wish you joy and happiness. (Aren’t those the same things?)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

November 28, 2012

MAKING HISTORY, PART II

IN MY HUMBLE VIEW….. Making history is almost as much fun as making whoopee. (I said almost.) I am referring, of course, to the re-publishing of THE PRESLEY PLOT. I am very happy to report that Aberdeen Bay Press has sent me the official notification and that the newly revised version will be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, and other sites in about two or three weeks. As I believe I previously mentioned, they already have a standing (or sitting) order for 225 copies, so if you need some books for the holidays, do not delay ordering. After they’re gone you will have to wait… I have a little gout, I mean, clout, but even I have to wait in line. (Oh, the injustice of it all!)

Several of my loyal devotees have asked about the American Queen riverboat cruise. (The Elvis-themed excursion leaving from New Orleans.) Well….. here I was, preparing my brilliant lecture on Tupelo, when lo and behold we hit a snag. (Not the boat, me) The snag was the river itself! Have you read about our drought in this part of the country? Lake Austin (here in lovely Austin, Texas) is only 40% full! If my math is correct, that means its almost 60% empty! Yikes! What the hell did Al Gore do?

Anyway, no water means no riverboating, no riverfloating, and no rivergloating. What can I say? For the first time in American history, the Mighty Mississippi is suffering from low water levels, and it is severely affecting all of the river traffic, both private and commercial vessels! Due to this lack of H2o, I thought it best to reschedule my voyage. I will keep my fellow travelers informed of my whereabouts! (Easy to do with this darn electric ankle bracelet!)

Now for some Elvis news….. Did you know that on this very day, in 1954, Elvis Presley did something very rare? (No, he didn’t go on a diet.) But he did miss two previously scheduled shows that were sold out in Memphis, Tennessee. (Which, I might add, is where Graceland happens to be.) So what happened, you ask? Well, he actually missed his airline connection in Houston! If you have ever flown through Houston, you know how easy this can be. So it seems that we are in good company. I do not know if the airline offered The King any travel compensation, but I’m sure he got several bags of free peanuts. (Maybe even one of his favorite peanut butter snacks!)

Incidentally, a number of my more curious blog followers have asked about Rachel and Adam (my daughter and new son-in-law) and they wanted to know what those two crazy kids thought of Cape Town, South Africa. Well, they loved the place. I have seen some of the photographs, and they are truly amazing. Mountains on one side, the ocean on the other, and the most magnificent flora and fauna you can imagine. (Flora was particularly attractive!) The only “tricky” part of the trip was the safari. On day one they were detained by a horde of pygmies! (But just for a “short” time.) Then they were stopped by headhunters! (But neither needed a job.) Finally, on day three, they were asked to play the drums for a tribe of Ubangi warriors! (The tribesmen kept shouting, “You bangee!” “You bangee!”) Adam finally gave in and banged the damn drum, but as they found out, he marches to the beat of a different drum. In any case, Rachel explained the “big bang theory” to the tribal chieftain and all was well. You can’t “beat” a vacation like that!

Finally, I would like to give a big shout out to Max and Barbara, the President and Vice-President of my Indiana Fan Club For Elvis Authors! They are taking care of some personal business this week, and we wish them well! Also, thanks to Judge Susan for her recent legal work on behalf of my growing literary estate! Another job well done. If you are in or around Salado, Texas next week, look for my mug on a poster. (No, not at the Post Office) I am tentatively engaged to speak at a book club in that charming town. I will send the details later.

Have a wonderful day and please drive carefully. (I keep hearing about a fiscal cliff in front of us.) I will write again soon…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

November 25, 2012

THE PRESLEY PLOT MAKES HISTORY!!

THIS BETTER BE GOOD SINCE I USED TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS!! Well, actually, it is very, very good. For the first time since the Bronze Age (or maybe it was the Iron Age) Aberdeen Bay Press, the world’s foremost publisher of brilliant mystery novels, has decided to publish a SECOND EDITION of a book within a six month period!! (There are those two exclamation points again.) Would you like to guess the name of this best-selling book? That’s right….. THE PRESLEY PLOT!

Due to popular demand (and the fact that Amazon.com only has 3 copies left!) the publisher is re-issuing my book. And here’s the best part…. they have gone through the book with a fine tooth comb and corrected every spelling and typographical error that was in the first edition! Soooooo….. if you need a wonderful, enchanting, entertaining novel for the holiday gift giving season (and you can’t find FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY) zip on over to Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com and order you brand new, fully revised copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT. (Your brain will thank you!) Incidentally….. the new edition already has a pre-order of over 200 books!! So remember, he who hesitates, is lost!

If you are one of the lovely young ladies who is awaiting a book (Ms. Baum and Mrs. Isler) be patient! I will send one along as soon as they become available!

NOW FOR SOME OTHER ELVIS NEWS…….

Did you know that there is a “Little Graceland” in Texas? True enough. In the Rio Grande Valley town of Los Fresnos, Simon Vega curates a treasure trove of Elvis memorabilia at his LITTLE GRACELAND MUSEUM. (Mr. Vega actually served in the Army with Elvis!) The museum has pictures of Elvis, Elvis albums, Elvis 45’s (not the pistols) Elvis statues, Elvis mugs, and Elvis enchiladas. (Just joshing about the food.) In any case, the museum is open Thursday thru Sunday. 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. by appointment. The next “Elvis Festivale” is set for January, 12, 2013, so if you’re in the area, swing by and join the fun. I have spent some time down in the Valley and can honestly say that it is a warm and charming location…. and the residents are simply wonderful.

NOW FOR SOME FINAL, EXCITING NEWS…….

Keep your eyes and ears focused on The New York Times, Fox News, Variety, and Popular Mechanics, for some very exciting news concerning the SECOND ADAM GOLD MYSTERY NOVEL! That’s right, my friends, book number two will be available in the not-too-distant future! The book is titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. This time around, Adam Gold will become entangled in a hunt for Captain Kidd’s treasure! The book has already received some glowing reviews, and if you believe the literary pundits, it is destined to become another best selling mystery novel. I shall, as they say, keep you apprised of the situation!

Until then, I remain, your humble correspondent. (Which is better than being a bumbling despondent.) Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

November 21, 2012

GOBBLE GOBBLE!

HAPPY HOLIDAY! Did you know that the very first Thanksgiving was held in a car? Yep, in a PLYMOUTH! (The Pilgrims couldn’t afFORD anything else and they didn’t want to DODGE the party!) You can’t make these things up, folks. (Well, actually you can, but I won’t go there.) Anyway, a lot of Americans think this wonderful holiday has something to do with Captain John Smith and his main squeeze Pocahontas, but that is simply not the case. I will admit that Captain Smith (almost) lost his head over her, but that’s only because he was rude. (He kept pointing at her during dinner and then, after some cheap corn whiskey, he tried to poke her with his index finger. You should never,ever, poke a hontas!

As you can see, I know a great deal about indigent people. (Poor Indians) Did you know that Pocahontas was the daughter of Powhatan? Did you know that her uncle lived in New York City? (Yeah, his name was MANHATTAN) Did you know that one of her descendants was Nancy Reagan? (This is actually true.) But enough about her….. let’s get to the great holiday known for peace, love, and wonderful sales at the mall.

Interestingly, seven other nations celebrate THANKSGIVING! (Originally a day to celebrate a good harvest.) I, of course, celebrate life, liberty, family, friends, and steadily increasing sales of THE PRESLEY PLOT. (Do I have my priorities straight, or what?) We can all thank (no pun intended) FDR for making the day official. At his urging, Congress agreed to the 4th Thursday in November. FDR was an interesting fellow. Did you know that he was the first president to play Texas Hold ‘Em Poker? Sure, don’t you remember the NEW DEAL?

He also started the tradition of “pardoning” a turkey. (To make sure the herd continued.) This year our president intends to pardon Susan Rice! (Hey, come on, that was funny!)

Thanksgiving at our house in very, well, international. How so? We have a TURKEY, sitting in GREECE, and there are people with ROMAN hands and RUSSIAN fingers waiting for the bird to arrive. Last year my wife burnt the stuffing, which stuck to the bird. I had to kick the stuffing out of that fowl weather friend, but we did have a tasty meal. By the way, speaking of reasons to celebrate….. TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY! On this day, in 1955, ELVIS signed his contract with RCA, which included all of the famous sound tracks from Sun Studios in Memphis. I’m not sure if Elvis sold many records (ha ha) but I do know that the contract stipulated that the King produce eight sides per year, and that he received a 5% royalty. (Which is half of what I get from Aberdeen Bay Publishing.)

Well, I must go do some prep work for the big meal, so I will say goodbye until we meet again. I have sooooo much to be thankful for this year, and I know that most of you do too. We have a bunch of loved ones coming for dinner and when they all get here, I intend to remind everyone that our Founding Father (George Washington) put it best when he said that our young country should use the day “as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favours of Almighty God.”

Well said, General! Be grateful! Be thankful! Be well!

Happy Thanksgiving and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff (The Prince of Puritans!)

November 18, 2012

KINGS AND QUEENS AND JOKERS ARE….. KEEN!

WELL, BY NOW YOU’VE HEARD THE BIG NEWS FROM BENGHAZI….. NO, not that news, the results of the LIBYAN NATIONAL POKER TOURNAMENT!

Actually, according to the Wold Series of Poker International Committee (The same folks who nominated me for the Nobel Prize in Literature) the tournament should be called the “Waterloo & Beef Wellington Poker Championship.” As many of you know, I am not only the author of THE PRESLEY PLOT, America’s best new mystery novel, but also the owner, lone faculty member, and janitor of the Austin-based C.P.A. (Cobra Poker Academy) Well….. I am very proud to announce that one of my graduate students, Dr. Max Talbott, recently won the aforementioned tournament with flying colors!! (Red, white, and blue.) As you’ve probably read, Max was voted “Most Likely To Secede” by his classmates. (A doctoral student named Barbara placed second, and has asked for a recount, but I think she’s whistling “Dixie,” if you get my reference!) In any case, congratulations, Max. You look lovely in your new tiara. (A “crowning” achievement by any standard!)

Incidentally, while I’m in a congratulatory mood, I would like to acknowledge Ms. Rhonda Sebastian, a dear friend and colleague, who won the annual “Steiner Ranch Beer & Barbecue Championship” last Thursday. Rhonda won a pickup full of cash and impressed everyone (including the Cobra) will her brilliant play. Believe it or not, she actually managed to beat me a couple of times, but I think she was cheating. (She had better cards.) Well done, Ms. Rhonda!

By the way, for those of you who wish to improve your lives, win lots of money, and make some new friends at the I.R.S., you should follow Rhonda’s example and become a BLOG FOLLOWER! Ms. R was an early follower and has remained loyal through all of my trials (many of which ended in a hung jury) and tribulations (losing the Nobel Prize to a South American Goat Rancher) Thank you, Rhonda!

Interestingly, my card playing has lead to some wonderful marketing opportunities for THE PRESLEY PLOT. For instance, last week I was one of the gift sponsors at the huge Steiner Ranch tournament which attracted attractive players from all five corners (make that, four corners) of Travis County and from several other counties in the Republic of Texas. As a gesture of my appreciation for Rich & Sharon Walker and the great Kevin Evans, I brought six autographed copies of my book to the tournament. Coincidentally, six lucky players won copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT, and now their lives are more or less complete. One player was willing to trade his cash winnings (approximately $4,479.62 for a copy of my book, but alas, none were available. Tough luck, Eric Ohlson.) Frankly, if I had won the damn tournament it would have been a perfect evening!

And speaking of perfect evenings…… Tarzan and Jane (Adam and Rachel) will be returning from South Africa tomorrow night! They enjoyed their safari immensely, but said that some of the big cats do not play poker fairly. (One of them was a cheetah!) By sheer coincidence, the lady who ran the lodge was a cougar! (Her contract contained a special “claws.”) All right, enough bad animal jokes. The natives are getting restless. I will simply conclude by telling you that my daughter sent me a cute photograph of a Ubangi mother urging her child to finish his dinner. The caption reads: “If you don’t finish your missionary, you don’t get dessert!” So precious. (I was going to use the word “tender” but I didn’t want to gross anyone out.)

Well, my friends, I shall say goodbye for now (before I cause another international incident) and wish you well in all of your pursuits. Enjoy our lovely fall. I shall write again soon…….

The imminent author and world traveler…….

Doc Yanoff

November 11, 2012

SPEAKING OF TEXAS…..

“I SORTA GOT MY START IN TEXAS,” A reflective Elvis Presley told reporters at Dallas’ Love Field in August 1958. The King was on his way to Fort Hood at the time (to complete his basic training) and he told the reporters that just a few years earlier, a largely unknown ELVIS had thrilled audiences throughout the Lone Star State. In fact, one of Presley’s first shows was held in the East Texas town of Gladewater. (A charming hamlet that I visited several years ago, while I was doing some research for THE PRESLEY PLOT) Just for the record, I discovered that Elvis played more than a hundred shows in Texas from 1954 to 1956, arguably the most important years of his long career.

Since I am now a world renowned author of sorts (I said “sort of”) I would highly recommend that my brilliant blog followers check out a couple of books on the subject to satisfy their own curiosity about the King’s early years. Mr. Stanley Oberst (of Waco) has written two little gems titled ELVIS IN TEXAS and ELVIS PRESLEY: ROCKIN’ ACROSS TEXAS. These delightful books are most interesting and informative, and when combined with a revised edition of THE PRESLEY PLOT, make up the world’s greatest trilogy of Elvis Presley books. (According to the author of the last book mentioned.)

Incidentally, since I often mention and thank the many Elvis Presley Fan Clubs that have supported my book and blog, I would like to present you with some interesting trivia…… Did you folks know that the very first Elvis Presley Fan Club, founded by 17-year-old Dallasite Kay Wheeler, was formed in February, 1956?? Did you know that nine months later the club had over 5,000 members?? Did you know that she actually reviewed on the King’s Cotton Bowl performances?? Did you know that it’s not necessary to use two question marks at the end of a sentence??

Well, there you have it friends. Enough Elvis info to fill a trunk….. and speaking of trunks….. My darling Rachel (Eldest Daughter) is now on Safari in deepest, darkest Africa, surrounded by herds of elephants. (You’ve heard of Elephants, right?) I hope she packed her own trunk and brought a rifle. Her new hubby, Adam Zell, made friends with a Zulu war chief (who just happened to be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan) and the two of them went looking for Tarzan and Jane one night. (No telling what those crazy kids were up to.) Anyway, Adam sent me a most unusual telegram, which I would like to share with my readers:

WESTERN UNION. NOV. 9, 2012.

ARRIVED IN CAPE TOWN. STOP. NICE TOWN. STOP. VERY FEW CAPES. STOP. HAD TO USE MEN’S ROOM. STOP. NO PUBLIC TOILETS. STOP. HAD TO TAKE A PITH. STOP. USED PITH HELMET. STOP. LAST NIGHT WAS CRAZY. STOP. SHOT A LION IN MY PAJAMAS. STOP. HOW HE GOT IN MY PAJAMAS IS A MYSTERY. STOP. MUST LEAVE YOU NOW. STOP. HAVING AUTHENTIC AFRICAN LUNCH. STOP. BOILED MISSIONARY. STOP. I COULD MAKE MORE JOKES, BUT I’M SURE THAT YOU WANT ME TO ……STOP!!!

Ah, to be young and in love! Sounds like the lovebirds are having fun. Glad I took my credit cards back.

Thanks for tuning in this morning! I hope you all have a joyous Sunday and a productive work week. I will write again soon…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

November 5, 2012

IT’S NOW OR NEVER!

GOTCHA! You thought I was referring to our presidential election, right? Well, I’m not. Kindly remember that this is, after all, first and foremost a site dedicated to enriching me as an author, I mean, enlightening the world about Elvis Presley. (One of the two!)

In any case, I was referring to the song “It’s Now or Never,” which reached the number one spot in the U.K. on this very day in 1960. I thought it was rather appropriate, considering our upcoming election. Please….. regardless of who you vote for….vote! A strong democracy depends on an informed and engaged electorate…. and please remember to spell my last name correctly…. there are two “f’s” in my last name. (and several more on my report cards!)

I mention the above only because I assume that most of you will be voting for me again. If not, I want my five dollars back. (and you will have no chance of being mentioned in the next “Acknowledgement Section.”) By the way, the next mystery novel, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, was just reviewed (albeit informally) by one of our local best-selling authors….. and the verdict was quite pleasant. Our semi-famous reviewer actually liked it better than THE PRESLEY PLOT! (Same as the Nobel Prize crowd!)

In all (or most) seriousness, this bodes well and I will be quite anxious to see what the publisher thinks. I should know something by the end of the month. (I know a few things now, but they have nothing to do with publishing.)

For those of you who are following the honeymoon adventures of my eldest daughter Rachel, I am happy to report that she and Adam have landed safely in London and are happily ensconced at the lovely Egerton House Hotel in Kensington. The amazing hotel staff greeted them en masse and were sweet enough to provide some complimentary champagne for the love-birds! After a brief nap, the kids intend to hit the ground running, which should be quite interesting with Rachel in charge. (Miss Rachel actually lived in London one or two summers, and she knows the city quite well.) Do not be surprised if Adam winds up in the Tower of London!!

For you ELVIS PRESLEY FAN CLUB MEMBERS…… I will be speaking and signing books at a fan club meeting in Waco, Texas, on Wednesday. You can get the details by checking your fan club mail box. (A notice was sent to all clubs yesterday.) The heading reads, “The Presley Plot Thickens!” All are welcome and there will be plenty of books to purchase. Hope to see you there!

Well, now that Rachel is in England, I am dog-sitting Baker….. and he has just signaled me that it is time to head for the dog park! (Don’t ask how) So….. I need to go and find his leash. (I really wish he would stop hiding the darn thing!) I enjoy having a granddog, but he always needs to go when I’m writing. (Hey, do you think he’s trying to tell me something?) Bad dog! It’s only a “ruff draft!” (I had to get in one doggie joke.)

Take care and enjoy our lovely weather……. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff