THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!

Well, that sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.  Of course, I just woke up, so I do have to stretch a little.  In any case, that blog post title sounds like hyperbole.  (Not to be confused with a hyper-pole, which is a nervous person from Wausau.)  I should have used  the following title…..  THE AMAZING YANOFF DOES IT AGAIN!  (No, that’s too modest.)  Look, what I’m trying to tell you is that my humble history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has just won its 8th book award of the year!

The “Sunshine Boy,” (me) just won the GOLD MEDAL for the “Best History Book of the Year” at the 2016 FLORIDA BOOK FESTIVAL.  I wasn’t expecting this award, so I am quite touched.  (Please, no jokes about me being “touched in the head!”)  Thank you.  Where was I?  Oh yes, the book award.  Well, I have now been invited to a gala awards ceremony to be held at the Omni Parker House Hotel in Boston in early February.  (Why Boston?  Beats me.)  Nevertheless, I am seriously considering a visit to “Bean-Town” to pick up my award and check.

The judging criteria for this year’s award was twofold:  1.  General excellence and the author’s passion for telling a good story.   2.  The potential for the work to reach a wider audience.  (My audience is pretty wide already, but a lot of folks will soon be going on a diet.)  There were over 3,200 entrants, so the competition was pretty stiff. (No jokes on that one, either!)

Well, I’ve talked about myself enough.  What do you folks think of me?  Just kidding.  What else is new?  I’m glad you asked…..  Our holiday celebrations were simply divine, and Santa brought me everything I asked for.  (except the blonde.)  We had an especially good time on New Year’s Eve, attending the Annual Lakeway Lobster & Laughter Festival, hosted by the inimitable Jaime and Gary Rubenstein.  The couple outdid themselves this year….  French wine, fancy hors d’oeuvre, and the piece-of-resistance….  lobster & mac casserole.  (Which was renamed, “Creamy Crustacean Alla Pecorino Romano.”)

By the way, if you’re looking for a good caterer, you might want to contact Gary “Romano-Man” Rubenstein and Miss Jaime.  (Jaime is the Sioux chef.  Well, I Hopi she’s a Sioux, but you “Navajo!”)  Gary is talented and funny, and Jaime has some really hot buns.  (Hey, that’s not as bad as the Indian jokes!)

For those of you who live in Austin, come on down to South Congress Avenue and take a look at my daughter’s new boutique.  It’s a high-class operation called “COVE,” and they sell some lovely women’s clothing.  (and you can also purchase  my books there!)  The store is next to Perla’s Seafood Restaurant.  If you mention my name, the salesperson will feel sorry for you and advise you to make some new friends.  (What were you expecting, a discount?)  Not.

Well, I must start packing for my trip to Round Rock.  The wife and I are going to visit the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee today.  They are hosting a ceremony acknowledging the wonderful life of Lee’s beautiful mother, who recently passed away.  She was a great lady, and she will be missed by many.

Finally, I want to thank each and every one of my loyal blog followers for making 2015 such a pleasant and productive year.  We achieved some great things this past year, and it looks like the fun will continue into 2016.  Please keep in mind that ALL of my success is due to folks like you, and your encouragement and support means the world to me.

God bless.  Have a super Sunday and be careful out there!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

GeneralGarfield

SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT?

I can think of a few old acquaintances I’d like to forget!  Well, here we are, about to bid a fond farewell to 2014.  In three short days the year will be history.  (Literally!)  So, my dear friends, are you going to make any New Year’s resolutions?  Now that we’re making friends with Cuba, I’m going to make some revolutions.  I might even fly down to Havana to visit my hubcaps.  Actually, I’d like to buy one of those 1956 Chevy cars that I see puttering around the city.  Do you think they put Castro oil in those vehicles?  I once tried to buy a Cuban car online, but the deal fell apart.  (Close, but no cigar!)  I think it will be nice to establish relations with a Communist country that won’t hack us.  (Cubans are only allowed to hack sugar cane.)

Speaking of those pesky North Koreans, did you see what they did on Christmas Eve?  They leaked Santa’s “naughty list!”  Bastards.  No wonder I didn’t get any gifts.  Hey, at least they didn’t do what those not-so-great Danes did.  Believe it or not, Denmark is claiming that they own the North Pole!  They are about to forcibly seize the entire place!  Who do they think they are, Russia?  If they try to evict Santa Claus, I say we go to war!  (with snowballs)

Last week, I drove up to Glen Rose, Texas, to visit Dinosaur State Park.  Very cool place.  As some of you might know, I consider myself to be an amateur paleontologist.  I have spent many years studying the period when dinosaurs roamed the earth.  We call this the Meander-thal Period.  (They did a lot of roaming.)  My favorite beast was the Brontosaurus.  I’m also fasciated by his fast-moving cousin, the Pronto-saurus.  (The smartest of the breed was the Thesaurus, but they’re extinct, too.)

On Saturday, we trekked down to the Ransom Center at the University of Texas, to attend a special display called “The Making of Gone With The Wind.”  Excellent exhibit.  Lots of photographs, costumes, and production notes.  Did you know that the producers originally intended to make a more modest movie?  They had a script that was titled “Gone With The Gust,” but the head of the studio blew off that idea.  The original cast included Gale Storm, Hurricane Carter, and Charles Blow.  (Music provided by Howlin’ Wolf.)  Do you think I’m being too breezy?

For those of you who love the sound of my voice, (mainly my mother) I have some wonderful news!  Due to popular demand, (Mom again) The National Book Club has decided to re-broadcast my last book interview!  The entire program, in which we discuss THE SECOND MOURNING, will be aired on Tuesday, December 30th, at the noon hour.  The show comes on right after “Imus In The Morning,” and will be broadcast from coast to coast.  You can also listen to the entire interview online.  Simply go to:   http://www.the-book-club-with-John-Austin.  (Scroll down until you see my name.)

Well, my dear blog followers, I must leave you now.  I see that my darling wife has some of her hot buns on display.  (Now, stop that!  She’s in the kitchen!)  Honey, I can shrink the kids, but not my stomach!  Let me close by wishing you a very happy and healthy New Year.  On a serious note, please DO NOT drink and drive.  I wish all of you the very best!

Vaya con Dios…   Know what I mean?    Peace and joy…   In 2015!

Love to all,   Doc Yanoff

A HAPPY HILL COUNTRY HOLIDAY!

HOWDY BUCKEROOS AND BUCKETTES!  I hope y’all had a wonderful holiday.  Ma and Pa Kettle (Patty and I) spent the last few days on the McCloskey Ranch, in the heart of the Texas Hill Country, wining and dining with family and friends.  Our most groovy adventure began on the Riverwalk in San Antonio.  Hey, am I dating myself by using the word “groovy?”  I used to date myself in high school, but that’s another story.  (I was very lonely.)  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, the Riverwalk.  Well, we strolled along the lovely river and then made our way to Mi Tierra Mexican Restaurant, the world’s BEST Mexican restaurant!  After two (fabulous) margaritas, we feasted on a truly memorable meal.

Now don’t get mad at me, but… I ate a kid!  I know it sounds cruel, but the kid was stewed to perfection and the meat literally fell off the bones.  This particular kid was served with rice and beans!  Well, you know what they say, “kids should be stewed, not herded.”  (Don’t call the police, a “kid” is a baby goat!)  Which reminds me, our waiter really “got my goat!”  There wasn’t a baaaaad piece on my plate!

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at Tim McCloskey’s humble abode, and his very significant other, Miss Hannah, rustled up some mighty good grubs, I mean, grub.  We dined on a magnificent rib roast and maple ham, and then had the pleasure of watching Colton McCloskey drink an entire bottle of port!  (almost)  After dinner, we entered a cut-throat poker tournament, featuring the “Magical Minard Brothers,” (Andrew and Jeff) who just happen to be fine fellows and great card players.  (I think their mother cheats, but I will tell the story of the 3 queens at a later date!)

Being a true cowboy, I decided to go horseback riding on the way back to Austin.  Unfortunately, we stopped at a place that only had one horse!  A mare named Molasses.  She refused to gallop during the day.  (She was a “night mare.”)  Definitely not a “stable” animal!  I rode bareback for a while, but then I got cold and put my shirt back on.  All right, enough horsing around…..

In closing, I wish to thank Sarah Doolittle, a prominent reporter from the Four Points News, for her wonderful article, illuminating my illustrious writing career.  Sarah recently penned a great article about me, and if you would like to read it, just Google:  Four Points News.  Click on the December 25, 2013 issue.  You will see my mug on the front page (in color!) and a long article about my books.  Thanks again, Sarah!

Finally, my next blog will be a special year-end treat for all of you Marx Brothers fans out there.  You won’t want to miss this one!  As I bid you farewell today, I ask that you ponder the following enigma…..  What makes teflon stick to a pan???

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

THE GANG THAT COULDN’T SHOOT STRAIGHT!

WELL, NOW THAT WE FIND OURSELVES TEETERING ON THE EDGE OF A FINANCIAL APOCALYPSE…..   IT’S TIME FOR…..SOME HUMOR!!

(Hey, laughter is the best medicine, remember?)   All right, I was just trying to envision the upcoming Senate hearings….  The hearings that will determine our next Secretary of the Treasury (assuming that Timothy Geithner is run out of town.)   Sooooo…. perhaps it’s time to turn over the reins of government to a couple of “Marxists.”   (Stay with me on this one!)  Here goes:

GROUCHO:  Wake up, Chicoletti.  How would you like to be the next Secretary of the Treasury?

CHICO:  I don’t think so.  My legs are too hairy.

GROUCHO:  What’s your view of the fiscal picture?

CHICO:  That was a good movie.

GROUCO:  Come again?

CHICO:  “A Fiscal Full of Dollars.”  Eastwood in Deadwood.

GROUCHO:  (Sighing)  What can you tell me about currency?

CHICO:  Well, I currency live in New York.

GROUCHO:  No, you idiot, I’m referring to dollars!

CHICO:  My cousin lives in Dallas

GROUCHO:  I’m talking about taxes!

CHICO:  Yeah, that’s where he lived.  Dollars, taxes.

Ah, if only George S. Kaufman and the gang were alive today!  What a (W.C.) field day they would have with Washington, D.C.    So…….since we are on the subject of “political theatre,” I would like to give you my take on some recent issues in the press…..

My high school buddy, Pete Weisberg, read that President Obama recently won a man date!  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Just saying.)

My Republican sweetheart (Barbaroo Talbott) heard that Eric Holder has already asked for one exemption to the upcoming “assault weapons ban.”   (Eric the Red wants to exempt all Mexican Drug Cartels!)  Si?

I just heard on the news that the Russians have banned all American adaptations!   Commie bastards.  (There goes my screenplay of “THE PRESLEY PLOT!”)

I was out of town when the Mayan Apocalypse occurred.   Does anybody know if the world actually ended?  Just drop me a line, so I can adjust my schedule accordingly.

SPEAKING OF WORLD CHANGING EVENTS…..   Some of my (more) alert blog followers have inquired about last week’s WATERLOO POKER CHAMPIONSHIPS.  NO, I DID NOT WIN!   However, (you’d better sit down) Patty Yanoff, a/k/a “The Corpus Christi Crusher,” WON FIRST PLACE AND A WHEELBARROW FULL OF CASH!!!    Yep, you have read correctly.  The wife actually won the whole darn tournament!  (Without cheating!)   I would have been very proud of the dear woman, except for one thing.  She kept the wheelbarrow and gave the money to charity!  (How selfish is that!)  I normally split my winnings with her, but not any more!  Jeez, giving money to charity?  Really?  (Poor girl is clueless!)

AND FOR YOU ELVIS DIE-HARDS……  Did you know that on this day, in 1957, the album “Elvis’ Christmas Album” became the NUMBER ONE album in the United States?  In my humble view, this is arguably one of the best holiday albums of all time.  (Although, Johnny Mathis also put out an amazing album.)  I do hope that nobody had a “Blue Christmas!”  Which, incidentally, was the King’s FAVORITE Christmas song of all time!

I don’t want to scare anybody, but on this day, in 1862, the U.S.S. Monitor sank!  (Back to the fiscal cliff?)  Yikes.

Finally, for you literary types, did  you know that on this day, in 1816, Shelley married Mary?  (I should explain that this would be Percy Bysshe SHELLEY and MARY Wollstonecraft)  Two fun people from the nineteenth century.  Neither one of them had a sense of humor, but they were above average writers.  (No mystery novels.)  Well, that’s more than enough academia for one blog, eh?  Fine, I shall return to the gutter!  I just saw a truly bad movie.  “Les Miserables.”  It was miserable!  Lots of dancing and singing, and very few guillotine scenes.  What’s up with that?  I wanted to see Hugh Jackman “lose his head” over some French chick.  You know, observe a true “slice of life” from the Revolution.  I thought the movie was going to be a “cut above,” the usual Hollywood garbage, but I was wrong.  (Hey, I could have gone with the director yelling, “CUT!”)

Well, I’d better quit while I’m “ahead.”  (Oops!)    Sorry about that last one.  I hope you all have a HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR!  GOD BLESS US ALL!

Love to all…..   Doc Yanoff