December 2, 2012

THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT!

WHEN I SAY “ENGAGEMENT” I AM REFERRING TO….. Speaking engagements! I have two interesting events scheduled for this coming week. First, I will be regaling an audience of “seasoned citizens” at the Austin Senior Center, which is always fun. Wisdom comes with age. (So do Social Security checks.) On Thursday, I shall be having a delightful brunch with the charming ladies of the River Place Book Club. These wonderful women have invited me to a gourmet feast, followed by a fascinating lecture centered around THE PRESLEY PLOT and my recent foray into the cut-throat world of publishing! The event is being hosted by Claudia Tobias, a truly remarkable woman who donates many long hours to various charitable groups in our community. I think this will be great fun and I am looking forward to a lively discussion. (I know some of these ladies from the River Place Garden Club and they are a smart and worldly group.)

And speaking of smart and lively women….. Leigh Ann Woodward, one of the sweetest and most talented poker players in Texas, recently hosted the 8th Annual Kings & Queens Poker Event at her lovely country estate in Lago Vista last night. I have played in this tournament several times (and done remarkably well, I might add) so I know how much fun it is, and I also know that it attracts some very good poker players. The evening is filled with great drinks, great food, and great company! Unfortunately, I could not play this year, but I am anxious to hear who won. In any case, Leigh Ann should be congratulated for throwing one of the best Christmas-time events of the season!

Since I have been writing about South Africa recently, I think I should mention that we now have 12 new blog followers in that fascinating country! G’day mates! (Australian is as close as I can come!) Rachel (my daughter) and Adam (the son-in-law) recently returned from your beautiful country and they loved it! Of course, being related to me, you might expect one or two (how shall I put this?) “Mishaps.” For instance, when they went to Robben Island to view Nelson Mandela’s jail cell, the guard told them that “Nelson spent 18 years on this island.” Rachel, being a chip off the old block, asked, “Which one, Ricky or David?” Adam wasn’t much better. He told the guard that if Mandela had been Jewish they wouldn’t have kept him in a jail cell. (Jewish people eat “locks.”) And so it went…… Surprisingly, we still have diplomatic relations with South Africa.

AND NOW FOR SOME ELVIS PRESLEY NEWS….. I have some very exciting news for all of my fans and blog followers….. THE PRESLEY PLOT has been chosen to receive a “full book review,” by the international website called AMAZON BOOK CLUBS! This is really great news for me, and once the review is posted, it should attract world-wide attention. The Amazon Book Club selections are seen by millions of readers throughout the world and they are also posted on just about every social website known to man. (or woman) I am very excited about this development and I will keep you posted of my progress. I should get a “first draft” sometime within the next two weeks. Just between you and me, this sort of makes up for losing the Nobel Prize for Literature to that Ecuadorian Llama rancher. (I’d like to “pull the wool” over that guy sometime!) All right, I have to stop being bitter. Just let it go. Keep moving forward. (But come on, a book about Montezuma’s revenge? Really?)

Incidentally, just to keep you in the loop, I will (unless there is breaking news) be posting one blog per week from now on. (No cheering, please.) My writing commitments (the ones I get paid for!) have recently grown experimentally, I mean, exponentially. In short, there are not enough hours in the day! (I think we’re stuck at 24) I for one would vote for a longer day and a shorter night, but that’s just me. In any case, I just don’t have enough time to produce such mind-boggling brilliance twice a week and still play poker. I hope I have not disappointed anyone. You must go on with your lives. Forget about me. (Not entirely, though) We shall still meet each and every Sunday! (One more thing to pray for!)

So….. until next Sunday….. I wish you joy and happiness. (Aren’t those the same things?)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

November 18, 2012

KINGS AND QUEENS AND JOKERS ARE….. KEEN!

WELL, BY NOW YOU’VE HEARD THE BIG NEWS FROM BENGHAZI….. NO, not that news, the results of the LIBYAN NATIONAL POKER TOURNAMENT!

Actually, according to the Wold Series of Poker International Committee (The same folks who nominated me for the Nobel Prize in Literature) the tournament should be called the “Waterloo & Beef Wellington Poker Championship.” As many of you know, I am not only the author of THE PRESLEY PLOT, America’s best new mystery novel, but also the owner, lone faculty member, and janitor of the Austin-based C.P.A. (Cobra Poker Academy) Well….. I am very proud to announce that one of my graduate students, Dr. Max Talbott, recently won the aforementioned tournament with flying colors!! (Red, white, and blue.) As you’ve probably read, Max was voted “Most Likely To Secede” by his classmates. (A doctoral student named Barbara placed second, and has asked for a recount, but I think she’s whistling “Dixie,” if you get my reference!) In any case, congratulations, Max. You look lovely in your new tiara. (A “crowning” achievement by any standard!)

Incidentally, while I’m in a congratulatory mood, I would like to acknowledge Ms. Rhonda Sebastian, a dear friend and colleague, who won the annual “Steiner Ranch Beer & Barbecue Championship” last Thursday. Rhonda won a pickup full of cash and impressed everyone (including the Cobra) will her brilliant play. Believe it or not, she actually managed to beat me a couple of times, but I think she was cheating. (She had better cards.) Well done, Ms. Rhonda!

By the way, for those of you who wish to improve your lives, win lots of money, and make some new friends at the I.R.S., you should follow Rhonda’s example and become a BLOG FOLLOWER! Ms. R was an early follower and has remained loyal through all of my trials (many of which ended in a hung jury) and tribulations (losing the Nobel Prize to a South American Goat Rancher) Thank you, Rhonda!

Interestingly, my card playing has lead to some wonderful marketing opportunities for THE PRESLEY PLOT. For instance, last week I was one of the gift sponsors at the huge Steiner Ranch tournament which attracted attractive players from all five corners (make that, four corners) of Travis County and from several other counties in the Republic of Texas. As a gesture of my appreciation for Rich & Sharon Walker and the great Kevin Evans, I brought six autographed copies of my book to the tournament. Coincidentally, six lucky players won copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT, and now their lives are more or less complete. One player was willing to trade his cash winnings (approximately $4,479.62 for a copy of my book, but alas, none were available. Tough luck, Eric Ohlson.) Frankly, if I had won the damn tournament it would have been a perfect evening!

And speaking of perfect evenings…… Tarzan and Jane (Adam and Rachel) will be returning from South Africa tomorrow night! They enjoyed their safari immensely, but said that some of the big cats do not play poker fairly. (One of them was a cheetah!) By sheer coincidence, the lady who ran the lodge was a cougar! (Her contract contained a special “claws.”) All right, enough bad animal jokes. The natives are getting restless. I will simply conclude by telling you that my daughter sent me a cute photograph of a Ubangi mother urging her child to finish his dinner. The caption reads: “If you don’t finish your missionary, you don’t get dessert!” So precious. (I was going to use the word “tender” but I didn’t want to gross anyone out.)

Well, my friends, I shall say goodbye for now (before I cause another international incident) and wish you well in all of your pursuits. Enjoy our lovely fall. I shall write again soon…….

The imminent author and world traveler…….

Doc Yanoff

November 1, 2012

THE ROYAL WEDDING!

NO, I AM NOT REFERRING TO PRINCE WILLIAM AND CATHERINE MIDDLETON!

Although, they did have a nice affair. I am referring to my own princess….. MISS RACHEL S. YANOFF! Who has recently been wed and is now going by the name of Rachel Zell. As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, my eldest daughter got married last Sunday! Her hubby’s last name is Zell, which means that she is now FURTHER back in the alphabet! (I don’t think she can get any further, thank God.) The Grand Affair was held on a picture perfect day in Austin. Sunny and mid-seventies. Not a cloud in the sky. The entire event was held at a private mansion on the shores of Lake Austin, which, thankfully, was completely filled with water and even had some lovely white swans swimming behind the marriage platform!

We were all thrilled that most of our guests from the east and Florida were able to attend. (Hurricane Sandy made things a little dicey for some.) Nonetheless, Rachel and Adam had a beautiful ceremony and then partied late into the night under a magnificent tent specially erected for their wedding. The food, music, and most of all the company, were nothing short of marvelous. The attendees drank tons of wine (always a good thing) and danced continuously.

One of the many highlights (aside from my minor accident with the gold cart) was the round of toasts that folks gave on behalf of the bride and groom. My toast was typically brilliant, but the best toast was given by Rachel’s gorgeous sister, Rebecca. OMG, did she hit a home run! She was cool, calm, and articulate……. and funny as hell. Miss Rebecca had everyone (including her father!) in stitches revealing some of Rachel’s “deep, dark secrets” of childhood. The lady is a natural born speaker. The Best Man also gave a fantastic speech. As a former collegiate speech teacher, I gave them both a grade of A. (Now they have to study for the mid-term!)

In case you’re wondering, I did manage to sneak in a mention of THE PRESLEY PLOT! I told the assembled guests that I felt funny giving a long speech, so with their permission, I would just read my ENTIRE novel! (I then offered to curtail my reading to the first 10 chapters.) Surprisingly, there were no takers. Ah well, a “profit” is never appreciated in his own land.

This coming Saturday, Rachel and Adam are off on their honeymoon. Those crazy kids are flying to London to stay at my favorite hotel in Europe (The Egerton House in Kensington) and then after 3 or 4 days in jolly old England, they are flying to Cape Town, South Africa! The city is incredibly lovely, and while they are there, they plan to go on a mid-week jungle safari! (After being around my family the last few days you would think they had their fill of wild animals!) But noooooo…… they want to see some Lions and Elephants and Zebras and other creatures of the brush. (I hope they meet Tarzan.) I knew Adam liked “games,” but in a jungle??) To each their own.

Now that the wedding bills are rolling in, I would urge you to buy hundreds of copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT to help defray the costs of this lovely event. (Nice try, Steve.) All right, never mind the books, how about remembering me in your prayers? Do they still send debtors to Australia? Hey, that would be a great way to get a free trip down under. Just file for personal bankruptcy and then start packing! God, I’m so smart… why didn’t I think of that earlier?

Well, G’Day, mates, I’m off to file Chapter 11 and pack my scuba gear for the Great Barrier Reef. I will write whence I land in Sydney, or with Sydney if he wants to come along. Until then, I remain your faithful outback guide and Aboriginal Author……

Love to all,

Crocodile Yandee (a/k/a Doc Yanoff)