Stephen G. Yanoff

June 30, 2013

IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT…..

STAY OUT OF TEXAS!  Actually, the phrase goes like this…  “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.”  Truman said that.  Who knew that Truman Capote was so concerned about the weather?  Live and learn.  Make that, live and burn, if you live in Texas.  So here’s the deal…  Yesterday it was 106 degrees, which keeps the riff raff off of the golf course, and this morning it is 75 degrees.  By my calculation, that would be a 31 degree swing!  (The participation is 40%)  I think more folks would participate if it was cooler.  Just saying.

As you can see, we are now enjoying the “Dog Days of Summer.”  (The weather has been very “ruff.”)  Just in case you become a contestant on a game show, I think you should know that this term applies to a 40-day period from early July to early September.  There are many myths concerning the origin of the term, but in fact, it was coined in ancient Rome.  “Dog Days” refers to the rising and setting of the second brightest star besides the sun.  (no, not me.)  That would be Sirius, the Dog Star.  Sirius was one “hot dog.”  During this 40 day period, the temperatures rose astronomically, so to speak, and folks began to refer to the “Dog Days” of the year.

I know what you’re thinking.  Everybody complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.  Well, just for the record, that quote is often misattributed to Mark Twain (one of my literary idols).  In fact, it was first uttered by Charles Dudley Walker, an American essayist and novelist.  (Who was also a close friend of Mark Twain.)  So you see, I’m not the only one who steals material from a colleague!  (As I often say, “If they ain’t heard it before, it’s original!)

And speaking of original ideas and literary genius…..  THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE continue to rack up some impressive sales, and earlier this week, our blog gained two new countries!  Yours truly is now a best-selling author in the Philippines and in Madagascar!  (Just between you and me, Madagascar sounds like a race car organization.  But hey, the place has a population of 18 million readers, I mean, people.)  In any case, WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

Last Friday was an important day in the world of quality literature.  I finally finished my final revisions on DEVIL’S COVE, and the manuscript was sent to the printer!  We also corrected the spacing of the letters on the front cover, and now it looks marvelous, simply marvelous.  I’m told that I should have the first copy in several weeks, and then shortly thereafter, it will be available on all of the major internet markets.  Please feel obligated to purchase at least one copy.  (My air-conditioning bill is going to be high this month!)

I shall leave you with this profound thought….   All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism!

Have a safe and pleasant week…..    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

June 23, 2013

THE TRIPLE CROWN!

NO, NOT THE HORSE RACE!  (I wouldn’t “nag” you about that!)  However, I have crossed a “finish line” of sorts.  I am pleased to announce that the third installment of the “Adam Gold Mystery Series” will be published and available for purchase on or about August 1st.  The book is titled, DEVIL’S COVE, and it recently received the following review from a major New York publication (Kirkus Reviews) :

“Intensely clever, entirely credible… smart, suspenseful and securely anchored in procedure and purpose.  Yanoff is one of the best writers of clever mysteries at the moment… for those who enjoy a bit of humor in their heroes, Adam Gold has to be at the top of the list.”

Wow, I couldn’t have asked for a better review, and I am VERY grateful for the kind words.  We still need to adjust the spacing on the front cover (my first name is too close to my middle initial) but after that, we should be good to go.  Also exciting is the fact that we have reached a new blog milestone this week.  This (semi) humorous and  (vaguely) intelligent blog now has…..  5,000 followers!!

Forty-three countries now carry this blog, including, as of this morning, Bangladesh!  Do you know of this country?  Bangladesh is a small, liberal enclave surrounded by more conservative neighbors who would like to crush it.  (Much like Austin, Texas!)  Just kidding, we love Austin.  (After the Spurs lost, we’re not sure about San Antonio!)

Speaking of political things, did you notice that President Obama was in Texas recently?  Poor guy is engulfed by scandal.  When he went to San Antonio, he said, “Remember the Alamo!  And forget about Benghazi!”  Then he announced that the F.B.I. was using drones to spy on Americans.  Big deal.  Let’s be proud of the fact that the drones were made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans.

Hey, I just saw an N.S.A. van drive by my house!  No wait, that’s a Verizon vehicle.  Never mind.  Incidentally, why do they call that other group the “Internal Revenue Service?”  Confiscating my money is one “service” I could do without!  (No more I.R.S. jokes, lest I be audited!)

So what else is new?  Have you noticed that women who wear burkas never smile?

I have been busy “cleaning up” the final manuscript of DEVIL’S COVE, so I have not participated in any book signing/speaking engagements this week.  However, next week I shall be making an appearance in Dripping Springs, a lovely little town that bills itself as the “Gateway to the Hill Country.”  (With this heat, I’m sure I’ll be doing plenty of dripping!)  Nonetheless, I shall “spring” into action when the show begins!  If you’re in the vicinity, stop on by Milton Reimers Ranch.  (and bring your checkbook and a canteen)

Well, amigos y amigettes, I must run.  Last night my posse and I ate at a restaurant called “Little Greece.”  (At least it was Greek to me)  Unfortunately, they used a lot of grease at Little Greece, hence the running.  Don’t worry, I’m sure everything will come out fine.  (Gross!)  Take care and have a wonderful week…..

And by the way, if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

June 16, 2013

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

Did you know that this joyous celebration of Daddyhood began in the United States in the early part of the 20th century?  True enough.  The special day was the creation of  Sonora Smart Dodd, who was also a senora.  (A woman of the female persuasion.)  Miss Dodd was looking for a way to compliment Mother’s Day.  (Good idea to compliment both parents.  Think allowance.)  She came up with the idea while she was living in Spokane, Washington, in 1910.  Interestingly, her father was a Civil War veteran and a single parent who raised six children!  (Man, that guy deserves to be celebrated!)

Naturally, Congress resisted the temptation to do something smart and acknowledge fathers, so they defeated 3 or 4 efforts to create a national holiday.  A bill was introduced in Congress in 1913, but it lingered until 1966, when LBJ issued the first presidential proclamation honoring dads.  You heathen Democrats might be interested to know that the holiday was made permanent by a great Republican crook….   Richard Nixon!  President Nixon signed the bill into law in 1972, ushering in decades of bad ties and sweater vests.

So now, as the great Paul Harvey used to say, you know the rest of the story!

And speaking of stories…..  (wasn’t that a good segue?)   THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE continue to break new publishing barriers and garner fame and fortune for the author.  I also have some VERY exciting news about book number three in the “Adam Gold Mystery Series,” but I’m afraid I must wait until next Sunday to make my grand announcement.  (One last contract to sign.)

The third book is titled, DEVIL’S COVE, and it takes place in the Hill Country of Texas.  I think my fans will love the story, which is based on some bone-chilling events that occurred in this part of the world recently.  The cover is finished, and once again, Rachel Zell, one of America’s most gifted artists, hit a home run.  I absolutely love the front cover, and this time the book will be published in soft cover AND hard cover editions!  I might add that these books will make a lovely gift for that special someone in your life, especially when I autograph them for you!

So what else is new?  Well, I see that the NSA has been snooping around my email and telephone accounts.  (Good luck with that!)  What can I say?  The President promised to have an “open administration,” and sure enough they’ve been opening my email, my telephone records, and my bank accounts!  I’m fed up with the I.R.S., too.  Why isn’t tequila considered a legitimate deduction?  Where’s their patriotic spirit?  (I know where the other spirits went!)  I don’t know, I may have to run for President again.  (I got 2 votes last time.)

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a Happy Father’s Day and remind you that mom’s are just as important.  When I was in Tupelo last month, I went to the Tupelo Hardware Store, which is where Elvis Presley purchased his first guitar in 1945!  The owner told me that Elvis and his mother (Gladys) came in to buy the lad a birthday gift.  Elvis wanted a rifle, but his mother convinced him to buy a guitar.  (She paid $7.75 plus 2% sales tax!)  At first, Elvis tried to hunt with the instrument, but it was difficult to smash rabbits and squirrels with a six-string guitar.  The poor animals kept getting sliced to bits.  (Just kidding here!)  Anyways, you get the point… it takes two to tango.  So God Bless all Dads and Moms!

Y’all keep those cards and letters coming…. and don’t forget that Elvis luvs ya, baby.  And so do I!  Have a great day!

Doc Yanoff

June 9, 2013

HOME SWEET HOME…

BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE… there is no place like home.  (Although the Caribbean is pretty damn close!)  I am happy to report that my month-long book tour was a huge success, and that my publicist (Blind Lemon Lefkowitz) tells me that many copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE have been ordered on Amazon.com, Kindle, etc.  I would like to thank my domesticated partner for arranging the book signing gigs and listening to the (semi) fictional account of my college love-life.  (For the fifth time!)

Our travels took us from Austin, Texas to St. John in the American Virgin Islands, and in-between there were book signing stops in Tupelo, Mississippi (To visit the birthplace of Elvis Presley), Birmingham (Alabama), Atlanta (Georgia), Charleston (South Carolina), Boca Raton (Florida), Tallahassee (Florida), and Baton Rouge (Louisiana).  All told, we logged about 4,000 miles, and saw some lovely spots in this gorgeous country of ours.

The highlight of our trip was spending a week with two other couples in a luxurious villa overlooking Cruz Bay on the island of St. John.  I would like to thank Dr. and Mrs. Max Talbott and Lee and Helena Bomblatus (world famous snorkel enthusiasts) for their company and invaluable guidance on the consumption of rum. I would also like to thank Johnny Depp for letting us use his home, but I suggest that he remove the mirrors on the ceiling.  (I saw some truly frightening things!)

Along the way, we met some remarkable folks and gained a large number of new blog followers.  I would like to welcome a few of them, including….. Miss Nina Holcomb (hostess at the Elvis Presley Birthplace), Miss Ashley at the Tupelo Starbucks location, Miss Connie (who works at the Tupelo Hardware Store and directed us to the grave of Elvis Presley’s twin brother), the mayors of Atlanta and Charleston, Tonya and Shannon (the lovely snorkeling sisters from Pennsylvania), and all of the kind and generous folks who listened to my bad jokes and bought some books.  You all made this a memorable trip.

At the request of my financial advisor (Jesse James Lipschitz) I will now spend the next week catching up on bills.  (Always fun)  I know that some of you folks have been trying to reach me by phone, so please do not be alarmed if your call is directly forwarded to the NSA in Washington.  (I am a Verizon customer.)  You know, I wish these folks would “mine their own business” and leave me alone.  I’m not saying I don’t like the feds, but I’m starting to agree with one of my literary idols, Mark Twain, who said…..  “The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog!”

Well, you’ll have to excuse me now, I’m off to bankruptcyville .  If you would like to help me pay for my recent trip (or the upcoming jaunt to Belize) please send cash in a brown paper bag.  (No coins, please.)  I will send you a charitable donation receipt for the I.R.S.  (But don’t blame me if you get audited!)  We’d both be better off if you just ordered a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT or MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

Have a safe and happy week…..   Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  I almost forgot to welcome Ms. Maggie Baum-Wilson to my blog!  Welcome aboard, young lady.  I look forward to meeting you when you get home!

 

 

June 3, 2013

THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS…

EXCEPT FOR POLITICS….. I sail off to the Caribbean for 10 short days and the world falls apart!  Looks like our illustrious A.G, Eric Holder is in big trouble.  (I call him Eric “With-Holder”)  Apparently the I.R.S. is also in deep do-do.  The “Gilligan’s Island” video was the straw that broke the camels back.  (I hope that’s not an offensive term to Islamic terrorists.)  Serves the bandits right, taxing my hard-earned royalty checks.  They even sent me a nasty letter last year, refusing to believe that I paid my taxes late because somebody stole my identity.  (You know what really hurt?  The son of a gun returned my identity and said he didn’t want to be me!  He must have been a book reviewer.)

Speaking of show business……  I just got back from a little book signing gig.  I was signing copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE for senior citizens at Mizner Park in Boca Raton.  (I ended up giving away more books than I sold, but only because the old folks were so sweet, and my mother was watching!)  I wonder if Elmore Leonard started like this?  Hmmm.

And since we’re still on the subject of show business…..  My dear, sweet friend, and fellow cruiser, Judge Susan Marquess, recently shared some wonderful news with me…  her multi-talented son, Tyler, was just nominated for an EMMY AWARD by the National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences!  (Tyler is the Line Producer of “Let’s Make A Deal.”)  Hopefully, he will receive the EMMY on June 16, during the 40th Annual Daytime Entertainment Awards Ceremony.  We will all be rooting for him, especially Uncle Steve who is also in show business, and very popular on certain beaches in the Caribbean.

Speaking of beaches…..  I will soon be describing (in vivid detail!) and with plenty of adjectives, some of the hair-raising snorkel adventures that our crew undertook on the desolate and remote island of St. John!  (Which was actually packed with tourists, but that sounds wimpy.)  Stay tuned, you will love my shark story, the avocado tale, and the incredible snorkeling sisters, Tonya & Shannon!  Most of what you will read will be factual, and the rest will be highly imaginative fiction worthy of a Pulitzer Prize!

Our flight back to Florida was smooth as silk, except for the little snag we encountered at “Customs,” on St. Thomas.  A certain member of our party tried to smuggle out two DEAD iguanas!  (Don’t ask.)  The custom’s officer politely refused to let the smelly creatures out of the country.  He told the would-be smuggler that airline policy clearly stated “one carrion per passenger!”  Leapin’ lizards, that was a really bad joke!  (Some might call it a “reptile dysfunction!”)

Well, on that note I shall take my leave of thee.  I have to start packing for the long ride back to Texas.  (With book signing stops in Tallahassee, Mobile, New Orleans, and Beaumont.)  Hopefully, I won’t run out of books or be offered too many out-of-town checks!  The next time we meet, I shall be back in the lovely Hill Country of Austin!  Be it ever so humble…..

Be well, pay your taxes, and have a wonderful week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 28, 2013

STRANGER IN PARADISE…..

DO YOU REMEMBER THIS LOVELY SONG?  It’s from the 1953 Broadway show KISMET.  Well, I can tell you one thing, it certainly feels strange to be a stranger in paradise, but I’m starting to get used to the life of a beach bum.  I am composing this blog on the magnificent island of St. John, one of the most beautiful isles in the Caribbean.  If you recall from my last missive, I am down here with my pirate crew scouting out film locations for MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  (Which actually takes place in the Bahamas, but what’s the difference?)  My fellow bucaneers and I have rented a luxurious villa high upon a hillside, overlooking Cruz Bay.  The villa is incredibly large, and amazingly, it came with 3 attractive female servants.  (Our wives!)  Ouch, my wife just punched me!  Jeez, I was only (half) joking.

I have not sold a huge amount of books this past week, but only because of spiritual concerns.  (I am consuming a great deal of spirits and concerned about making change!)  Nonetheless, the locals have become quite fond of me, and except for the old woman in the voodoo shop, I can honestly say that most folks have been very gracious to us.  (Considering how many of their chickens we have run over.)  Down here they let their kids roam freely.  (Kids meaning baby goats.)  They also have wild donkeys that take over the roads whenever they feel so inclined.  (I like to drive by them and yell, “Hey, get your dumb ass off the road!”)  Yeah, I am one funny guy.

Marie Fondue, the voodoo woman, told my friends that she’s making a doll for me.  (Or maybe that was “of me,” I’m not sure.)  In any case, it will be ready tomorrow, just in time for my birthday!  On top of everything else, tomorrow is my birthday, and how lucky I am to be spending it down here with some close friends!  I honestly couldn’t think of a better place to celebrate.  Every morning, Lee Bomblatus(the most famous snorkel guide in the western hemisphere) takes me to some remote location on the island and we spend the morning in the most impossibly clear water on earth.  Today we went to a spot called East End, on the very eastern tip of the island, and we snorkeled in what can only be described as the world’s largest aquarium!  I have never seen so many colorful fish in my life.  OMG, was it amazing.

Each morning Lee and I (and sometimes our compadres) drive to a different bay, and by tomorrow or the day after, we will have vistited just about every bay on St. John.  Even though I am a future Pulitzer Prize-winning author, I could never adequately describe how much ocean life we have seen on this trip.  I am happy to report that the coral reefs are in good shape, and teeming with all sorts of fish.  If you ever want to see what God can do when He’s in a good mood, just come down here and jump in the water.  Truly breathtaking.

I know that many of you (especially those abroad) are wondering what you can get me for my birthday.  Well, thanks for your kind thoughts, but I don’t need a thing.  (Although I am running a little low on limes)  If you want to do something nice, just keep spreading the word about THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  After all, I am going to be in debt whence I return to the United States of America.  (Hey, good rum don’t come cheap, mon!)

Well, my loves, cool runnin’ and all that good stuff.  Remember, “don’t worry, be happy!”  Oggie boogie, shake that noogie!

Stephen “Rasta Mon” Yanoff

 

 

 

May 25, 2013

PIRATE OF THE CARIBBEAN!

AHOY MATES!  SHIVER ME TIMBERS (IF YOU’RE COLD) AND HOIST YOUR PATARD!  (WHATEVER THAT IS)…..  GREETINGS FROM THE LOVELY CARIBBEAN ISLAND OF….. ST. THOMAS!  My pirate gang and I have landed in Charlotte Amalie, the crown jewel of the Virgin Islands.  (I haven’t met any Virgins, but there are lots of nice folks willing to take your money for this and that)  We (the pirate gang) have rented a gorgeous villa up on a lush tropical hillside, overlooking Cruz Bay.  As you might imagine, the view and the jungle-like scenery are simply fantastic.  Lush green hills, million of colorful tropical flowers and plants, blue sky, and aquamarine marine water!  OMG this place is paradise!  (Much nicer than the Jersey shore)

The wife and I have a huge first floor suite, with a po0l just outside the front door.  All of the rooms in the villa are decorated with polished mahagony wood, which is somewhat immune to the elements down here.  By now you’re probably wondering about my schedule, eh?  Well, when I’m not working on book number four (RANSOM ON THE RHONE) my typical day goes like this…..  Sleep late, drink some  wonderful island coffee, drive to one the drop-dead beautiful beaches on the island, swim and snorkel, get some sun, dry off, head for some delicious lunch place, eat mahi mahi burger, drink one or two Carib beers, one rum drink, take nap, wake up slowly, get dressed, head for dinner on the bayfront, stuff myself again, more rum, short walk, stumble back to villa, take Alka-Seltzer, go to sleep.  Repeat in morning.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…..  living the life of a famous alcolholic sun-worshipping writer ain’t so easy.  (All right, it’s very easy, but the sun tan lotion is rather expensive down here.)  In case you’re wondering, the restaurants on the island are incredible.  Lots of very fresh fish, and some marvelous ethnic restaurants.  (Cajun, Creole, French, etc.)  Each feast is accompanied by a copious amount of rum, washed down with some surprisingly good local beers.  If I remember right, we have not had a bad meal yet.

Tonight we six are heading for a famous Spanish tavern frequented by pirates, outlaws, scoundrels, scofflaws, and politicians.  The house specialty is lobster paella, which is usually served with homemade sangria.  This could be a long night for yours truly!  By the way, do you know how much a pirate pays for corn on the cob?  That’s right, a “buck-an-ear!”  (I think the rum is starting to affect my brain!)

Speaking of things that have affected my brain, I would like to thank the Delray Beach Book Club for purchasing 100 copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  This was a very generous gesture, and one that is greatly appreciated.  I would also like to thank the Boca Raton Book Club (the Royal Palm Yacht Club Chapter) for inviting me to speak to their group.  I spent a wonderful afternoon in one of the most beautiful neighborhoods in America, and I also managed to peddle 50 copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  What a great couple of days in sunny Florida!

Well, my dear family and friends, stay well and please do not worry about me…..   I still have 8 more days of Caribbean fun on the agenda, plenty of sunscreen, and four bottles of Ron Flor de Cana Rum!  Life is good!  (Where did I put those limes?)  Love to all…..

Capt. Jolly Roger Yanoff, The Terror of Tortola!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 16, 2013

BONUS BLOG (DUE TO BOURBON!)

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GERMS (Shecky Greene, 1965) HOW DO YOU LIKE THE CATSKILLS?  THE CHEF MAKES FOOD FIT FOR A KING!  (HERE, KING, HERE KING….. )  Since I have consumed a copious amount of Kentucky Bourbon (In South Carolina!) I have decided to compose a “bonus blog,” which proves that man does not live by  bread (pudding) laced with rum alone!  So….  here’s what happened today…

The morning began with the consumption of the WORLD’S BEST almond croissant and fresh brewed French roast coffee.  Shortly thereafter, Miss Daisy and I meandered over to the Charleston Museum, one of the finest museums in the South.  I got to view the H.L. Hunley submarine, the Confederate submarine that was the VERY FIRST sub to sink a ship!  (A Yankee carpetbagger that was blockading Charleston Harbor!)  The sub sank in 1864, killing Mr. Hunley and seven other crewmen.  It was brought up in 2000 and fully restored to its natural splendor.  (Truly incredible.)  What a treat to view this historic vessel.

Another treat came at lunchtime…..  a mini-feast of Southern vegetables at Jestine’s Country Kitchen.  OMG, the okra and collard greens were incredible.  After lunch we toured one of the historic homes of Charleston, a Winnebago parked on Meeting Street.  (Just Kidding!)  We went to the amazing pre-Civil War home of Joseph Manigault.  (Ever hear of the “Manigault Line?”)  Wait a minute, I think that was the Marginot Line.  Never mind, I was just joking.  (Have I used this “line” before?)

The Manigault family was one of the founding families of Charleston, and all of the streets in the area are named after their children!  (Except Main Street, who was named after their most important cousin.)  Naturally, they were of Huguenot descent, and they made a fortune selling rice.  (One of them became Jewish and sold “converted rice.”)  His name was Shecky Manigault, and he wasn’t fat, just a little “puffy.”  I think he became a “colonel” during the Civil War.

This evening we dined with a prominent Charleston physician and his lovely family.  (Another amazing meal at the Hominy Grill.)  Try to envision a perfect Mint Julep, followed by fried green tomatoes, homemade biscuits, collard greens, red beans and rice, and the best tasting piece of cornmeal crusted grouper with shrimp gravy in the UNIVERSE!  I am almost (key word, “almost”) embarrassed to admit this, but Miss Daisy and I actually split a piece of buttermilk pie for dessert!

In the immortal words of Oscar Wilde, “I can resist anything but temptation!”

We leave for Jacksonville and then Boca Raton tomorrow….. so look for the continuing adventures of “The Galloping Gourmet” and his faithful sidekick, “Crazy Daisy” in the days ahead…..   May the force (and the Alka-Seltzer) be with you!

Col. Rufus T. Firefly, N.U.T.   (a/k/a Doc Yanoff)

May 13, 2013

TUPELO IS TOO MUCH!

DO YOU REMEMBER THIS SONG?  “TOO MUCH?”

THE SONG WAS RECORDED BY ELVIS PRESLEY AND RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC ON SEPTEMBER 2, 1956…..  It quickly became a number one hit across the nation, but after today, I am convinced that the song was written about my book tour!  Why, you ask?  Because today was simply incredible!  We began the day by meeting Miss Ashley, a lovely young lady who worked at Starbucks.  She was kind enough to give us the phone number of a relative who knew THE KING.  (In case we wanted to ask a few questions!)  Our first stop in town was at the Tupelo Hardware Co., where Elvis bought his first guitar!   The young lad paid cash!  No strings attached!  (Actually, there were six strings, but who’s counting?)

Next stop, the Elvis Presley birthplace.  The gift shop was happy to feature my first mystery novel, THE PRESLEY PLOT, and we got a private tour of the facility!  Patty and I got to see some amazing sites, not available to the general public.  What a treat!  After a book signing/speaking engagement, we sold two cases of books!  We actually sold every book we had, and we also donated some copies to the “building fund.”  (They are building a new museum next year.)  The highlight of our tour was a special visit to Elvis Presley’s birthplace and private chapel.  OMG, was that interesting!  Wait until you hear the delightful “ghost stories” about the King’s house!  Fascinating stuff to be sure.

After a marvelous lunch (crab cakes and crawfish!) we drove out to the Priceville Cemetery, where Elvis Presley’s twin brother is buried.  Talk about spooky places!  Patty and I walked all around the grounds, but we couldn’t locate the grave of Jesse Garon Presley, the little lad who died at birth.  (Elvis Presley’s twin brother!)  When the sun began to set, it became incredibly scary, so we left.  (Remember the part in my book about the Choctaw Bonepickers??)  Some of the graves dated back to the Civil War, and there was absolutely nobody out there but us chickens.  (Thus we “hightailed it” back to the car before we wuz grabbed by a ‘taint!)  Yeah, I’ve got some photos to prove how crazy we are!

After signing some more autographs in the hotel lobby, we were taken to a fancy dinner by some dudes from the Chamber of Commerce.  They took us to the semi-famous Tupelo Grill, where we feasted upon the VERY BEST FISH we have ever tasted.  (Fresh gulf coast grouper, lightly fried in cornmeal, and topped with a bourbon-pecan sauce that was simply amazing.)  Good Lord, I am actually thinking about moving to Tupelo!

Tomorrow we leave for Birmingham, Alabama, and then it’s on to Atlanta, Georgia.  The magnolia trees are in full bloom, so you can imagine how pretty and fragrant the world seems to us.  (Patty is now introducing me as “Rhett” and I am telling folks that her name is “Scarlett.”  Unfortunately, her last name is “Fever!”)

Well, y’all take care, and cum back and see us sumtime….   Until then, hush my puppies and grind them grits….   Love to all,

Col. Beauregard Yanoff and Miss Primrose Patty, C.S.A.

May 12, 2013

CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE!

HALF A LEAGUE, HALF A LEAGUE, HALF A LEAGUE ONWARD!  (Why only half a league?  Another major league baseball strike?)  Who knows.  CANNON TO RIGHT OF THEM, CANNON TO LEFT OF THEM!  (Oh wait, those are toll booths.  My bad.)  Well, as you can see, my spring road trip/book signing tour got off to poetic and humorous start.  (Surprise, surprise.)  How so you ask?  Well, my darling wife decided to wash my sneakers the night before we left.  (She wanted me to make a good impression when we reached Tupelo!)  My friends, sneakers take a while to dry.  I won’t belabor the point, but let’s just say that the incident encouraged me to write a new screenplay…..  “Honey, I Shrunk The Keds!”

I could have reacted violently, or “conversely” I could have let bygones by bygones.  I took the high ground.  (I left her at a hilltop rest stop!)  Then I realized she had my wallet in her purse, so I returned to the scene of the crime.  How could she ruin my new sneakers?  Well, my friends, you are never too old to learn something stupid.  Thus began our memorable road trip!

Our first (planned) stop was Baton Rouge, which in French means “Baton Rouge.”  (Fooled you, didn’t I?)  In English, Baton Rouge means “red stick.”  (The city was built on the site of a tall cypress tree, redish in color.)  It must have been a mighty big stick, and it certainly has affected the residents.  (Most of them talk softly, but carry a big stick.)  I often talk softly and perform a little shtick.

According to a recent article in Garden and Gun Magazine (one of the best magazines in America) the very best hamburger in the country is to be found at Fat Cow Burgers in Baton Rouge….. close to the L.S.U. Campus.  Naturally, I had to stop there and see for myself.  Patty and I ordered the featured burger, which consisted of the following ingredients….  A toasted “potato bun” with a hand ground 8 oz. angus burger topped with Benton’s apple smoked bacon, Gruyere cheese, caramelized onion, fresh arugula, sliced tomato, and….. horseradish mayonnaise!  (Accompanied by thick, hand cut french fries!)  The verdict?  OMG.  They were truly wonderful!  (The draft Abita beer was also a nice touch.)  If you’re within 1,000 miles of Baton Rouge, just go.  You’ll thank me later!

Hey, today is Mother’s Day, and since I have the most wonderful mother in the world, I want to remind you to call your own mom and tell her how much you love her.  If you can’t get through, call my mom.  (But don’t call collect!)  I already tried that, and she won’t accept the charges.  (Hey, what’s up with that?)

Earlier today, I drove up to Tupelo, Mississippi in a VERY unusual fashion.  I was completely naked!  (Just kidding)  I drove up on the Natchez Trace Parkway, one of the oldest and most scenic routes in America.  The experience was nothing short of incredible, and I will go into more detail later.  My God, do we have a beautiful country!

Well, I’ve been on the road (actually inside a car) for the last 6 hours, so I need to bathe and go sleepyville.  I will write again soon, so look for my next post!  If you’ve enjoyed my writing, just remember….. stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism. Stealing from a group of people is called research!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff