PILATES OF THE CARIBBEAN!

Would you believe that I have “exercised” my freedom and returned to the lovely island of St. John?  Well, it’s true, me buckoos, the old swashbuckler (me) has returned to the Caribbean for another seafaring adventure!  The first mate and I are staying in a palatial estate overlooking Chocolate Hole, named for the color of the water just below the cliff.  The view and the digs are simply gorgeous, and we even have our own pool.  (Which we share with a friendly brown pelican.)

The turquoise ocean is swarming with seagulls, and the bay is swarming with…..  bay gulls.  (You just knew where that was going, right?)  The bay gulls are sort of lazy.  They just “lox” around all day.  To me, they are like my children.   ( Once you feed them, you’re stuck with them!)  Ah well, I’m too young to be an empty-nester.

Back to the exercise thing…..  Here, for your reading pleasure, is my daily itinerary…  Up at dawn, use the bathroom, back to bed, rise at nine a.m., use the bathroom, eat a gourmet breakfast, use the bathroom, drive to the beach (there are 20 to choose from!) swim and snorkel, eat a light lunch (or substitute with rum & cola) take a short nap, use the bathroom, make believe I’m not staring at the girls in those tiny bikinis, swim some more, dry off, go home, get dressed, go out for dinner, drink some more rum, use the bathroom, go to bed, and then repeat in morning!

I know exactly what you’re thinking.  When does this man have time to write his award-winning books?  I have begun to ask myself that same question.  Did it ever dawn on you that I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom?  (No, I do not have a prostrate problem.)  I thought a prostrate was a woman who took money for sex!  (Actually, most of those naughty ladies do end up prostrate, but that’s another story.)  Where was I?

Oh yes, I remember…  the writing stuff.  Well, let’s put it this way, if experience is the best teacher, then I have been learning a lot, and sooner or later, it will show up in another book.  (I mention this, so that I can deduct this trip on next year’s tax return!)  By the way, we are staying with the Princess of Portugal, and her tax-dodging husband, Baron Lee Von Bomblatus.  They are great hosts, and very wealthy, so I leave my wallet at home.  (Well, that’s what I told them!)  We actually go “Dutch.”  (I only pay when we go to the Dutch side of St. Maarten!)  So far, we’ve been able to avoid that island!

For those of you who do not subscribe to the New York Times, (and let’s face it, who the hell would?) they were kind enough to reprint a news blurb about my recent award.  I won’t bore you with all of the details (again) but I recently won the gold medal presented by the 9th Annual 2015 National Indie Excellence Award.  My book, THE SECOND MOURNING, was chosen as the best history book of the year, and I am very grateful to the judges for this wonderful honor.  The NIEA competition is fierce, and there were many great books this year.  So once again, thanks for the memories!  (and the lovely prize!)

In closing, if I may, I would like to remind everyone of something far more important than writing and blogging.  I would like to publicly thank all of the brave men and women who have served in our nation’s military.  I am smart enough to understand that NOTHING I do would be possible without the sacrifice that our veterans have made.  Thank you all for your service to our country!  We love you, respect you, and honor your deeds on our behalf.  May God bless all of our veterans this Memorial Day.

Finally, to my loyal blog followers, I would remind you to have some fun this weekend, even if your in-laws are coming over the house for a barbecue!  Please keep in mind the words of my high school psychologist, who once said to me, “You’re responding nicely to therapy.  You can sit up the next time we meet.”   (Hey, in my opinion, “normal” is just a setting on the dryer!)  Have a great weekend.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.   Just to make you jealous, I will attach a photograph of me “in my office.”

 

 

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THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS…

EXCEPT FOR POLITICS….. I sail off to the Caribbean for 10 short days and the world falls apart!  Looks like our illustrious A.G, Eric Holder is in big trouble.  (I call him Eric “With-Holder”)  Apparently the I.R.S. is also in deep do-do.  The “Gilligan’s Island” video was the straw that broke the camels back.  (I hope that’s not an offensive term to Islamic terrorists.)  Serves the bandits right, taxing my hard-earned royalty checks.  They even sent me a nasty letter last year, refusing to believe that I paid my taxes late because somebody stole my identity.  (You know what really hurt?  The son of a gun returned my identity and said he didn’t want to be me!  He must have been a book reviewer.)

Speaking of show business……  I just got back from a little book signing gig.  I was signing copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE for senior citizens at Mizner Park in Boca Raton.  (I ended up giving away more books than I sold, but only because the old folks were so sweet, and my mother was watching!)  I wonder if Elmore Leonard started like this?  Hmmm.

And since we’re still on the subject of show business…..  My dear, sweet friend, and fellow cruiser, Judge Susan Marquess, recently shared some wonderful news with me…  her multi-talented son, Tyler, was just nominated for an EMMY AWARD by the National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences!  (Tyler is the Line Producer of “Let’s Make A Deal.”)  Hopefully, he will receive the EMMY on June 16, during the 40th Annual Daytime Entertainment Awards Ceremony.  We will all be rooting for him, especially Uncle Steve who is also in show business, and very popular on certain beaches in the Caribbean.

Speaking of beaches…..  I will soon be describing (in vivid detail!) and with plenty of adjectives, some of the hair-raising snorkel adventures that our crew undertook on the desolate and remote island of St. John!  (Which was actually packed with tourists, but that sounds wimpy.)  Stay tuned, you will love my shark story, the avocado tale, and the incredible snorkeling sisters, Tonya & Shannon!  Most of what you will read will be factual, and the rest will be highly imaginative fiction worthy of a Pulitzer Prize!

Our flight back to Florida was smooth as silk, except for the little snag we encountered at “Customs,” on St. Thomas.  A certain member of our party tried to smuggle out two DEAD iguanas!  (Don’t ask.)  The custom’s officer politely refused to let the smelly creatures out of the country.  He told the would-be smuggler that airline policy clearly stated “one carrion per passenger!”  Leapin’ lizards, that was a really bad joke!  (Some might call it a “reptile dysfunction!”)

Well, on that note I shall take my leave of thee.  I have to start packing for the long ride back to Texas.  (With book signing stops in Tallahassee, Mobile, New Orleans, and Beaumont.)  Hopefully, I won’t run out of books or be offered too many out-of-town checks!  The next time we meet, I shall be back in the lovely Hill Country of Austin!  Be it ever so humble…..

Be well, pay your taxes, and have a wonderful week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff