LIGHTNING STRIKES TWICE!

First, I allude to the amazing storm we had last Friday!  I watched part of it from a high-rise apartment downtown, and it was truly a sight to behold.  Did you know that a lightning bolt can heat the surrounding air to 54,000 degrees Fehrenheit?  That’s six times hotter than the surface of the sun!  Hotter than yours truly in a tight speedo!  (There’s a troubling image!)

Second, I refer to the wonderful news that my new publisher (Murder Ink Press/Penguin Books) has recently purchased all rights to my first two books, THE PRESELY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  Both books will be lengthened, re-edited, and re-published in a much more professional package.  New chapters have been added, so get ready for some great fall reading.

Meanwhile, DEVIL’S COVE continues to garner some excellent reviews, and as I have recently learned, the book cover is about to be nominated for some kind of art award later in the year.  I shall keep you posted.  (or rather, emailed)  Thanks again to the beautiful and talented Rachel Zell, the dear who designed the initial cover.

So what else is new?  Well, as some of you know, I made poker history by making it to the final table in the last 8 tournaments in a row….. BUT……the big news is that some of my friends and colleagues have done ever better!  For instance, Judge Susan (The Legal Eagle) made it to the final table last Thursday and astonished the crowd by getting FOUR KINGS in a very big hand!  Beverly Skipper Lange and Steven Gee recently participated in the MAIN EVENT at the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas.  There were well over 6,000 great players in the event.  ($10,000 Buy-in!)  Beverly placed 86th and won $71,000!  Steven placed 24th and won…..  $285,000!!    (I was instrumental in both of their careers, albeit in a roundabout fashion.  Neither one of them took my poker advice!)

Great week for my brother, Glenn Yanoff.  He spent the last 10 days sailing down the Rhone River on a luxury cruise.  (He was vacationing and hopefully doing some research for my next mystery novel titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.)  His lovely daughter, Jessica, just landed a terrific teaching position.  He has two handsome and talented sons, and the oldest, Jarrett, just got accepted into the University of Miami Law School!  Well done, J-Man!   (Uncle Steve is going to need some legal representation!)

Speaking of representation…..  I think my hometown (NYC) has lost its collective mind.  Eliot Spitzer is running for Comptroller?  (You remember Spitzer….. he gave new meaning to the term “room service.”)  Anthony Weiner wants to be the mayor?  How can he “expose” himself to further humiliation?  I heard they’re calling his campaign “The Tour de Pants!”

Did you hear that Michael and Rita Hennecke are making a movie called “From Here To Paternity?”   (Hey, Stella!  Stella!)  Wait a minute, that line is from “A Streetcar Named Desire.”  Of course, down here in Texas, the movie is called “A Streetcar Named Perspire.”   (Next week we will have 6 days of 100 degree temperatures!)

Well, my friends, I must leave you now.  I am on my way to Comfort, Texas, for a book signing/speaking engagement.  (I love the name of that town!)  I hope to have lunch or dinner at a great new restaurant called the Plaid Goat.  (No, I’m not bringing my “nanny!”)  Food review to follow!  Until we meet again, be safe, behave, and believe……….   Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS…..

Well, if you’ve been reading VARIETY, the show-business magazine, you probably know the huge, earth-shattering news…..  Murder Ink Press has purchased the book and movie rights to THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!!  Both books will be revised (and lengthened) and reissued with new and improved front book covers in both soft-back and hard-back versions!!  They will also be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, etc.

In a word, I am….. Astonished!  Delighted!  Grateful!  Flabbergasted!  (Wait a minute, that’s four words!)  Well, what can I say, a lot of books have “four-words!”

Seriously though, this is wonderful news, and I am one very lucky author.  A lot of the credit goes to you, my loyal blog followers, so thank you very much for your continued support and encouragement!  I shall not let you down!

So what else is new?  Judge Susan is coming over today for a “Mexican Swim Party.”  (Lots of “dips.”)  She is bringing her three gorgeous grandchildren, too.  After I finish this blog post, I’m going to Home Depot to buy 100 gallons of Chlorine!  (Use your imagination here.)    Congratulations to Rita and Michael Hennecke on the birth of their new daughter.  She is absolutely beautiful, but due to rising hospital costs, the parents have not yet chosen a name for her!  (I suggested “Hey, you” but I doubt the name will stick!)

My Texas Hold ‘Em tournament play remains hotter than a stolen tamale.  I’ve made it to the “final table” seven times in a row!  (Without winning the tournament, mind you.)  Last Thursday, I had the pleasure of sitting next to the beautiful and talented Beverly Skipper Lange.  My dear friend just got back from the MAIN EVENT at the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas, where she placed 86th and won…..  $70,000!  Well done, Miss Beverly!

Another poker great, Kevin Evans, surprised our last tournament group with some very special t-shirts.  The shirts were emblazoned with the front book covers of my first three mystery novels!  (The Presley Plot, Murder on Maiden Lane, and Devil’s Cove.)  Thank you, Kevin!  The shirts were very cool… very considerate… and very colorful!

Several of my blog followers have asked about my upcoming trip to Detroit.  We had to cancel the trip, mainly because people are moving out of the city in record numbers.  (Motown has become LessTown!)  Even the schools are falling apart.  Did you know that Detroit kids spend the first two weeks of school studying their Miranda Rights?  What do you think the average Detroit student gets on his or her SAT?  (Drool!)     **The preceding jokes are dedicated to my one and only Detroit friend, Gary Rubenstein!

In conclusion, I would like to remind you that the first novel ever written on a typewriter was….  TOM SAWYER!  (I forget the author’s name.)  I still use an electric typewriter, which is why the neighbors think we have a pet woodpecker.  (No woodpecker jokes, please!)   Have a safe and joyous week!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

SOME LIKE IT HOT…..

WHO MIGHT THIS BE?  Why, mad dogs and Englishmen… and yours truly!  The weather in Texas has been rather warm this week.  How hot was it?  The fire ants were crawling around with canteens on their backs!  I saw two scorpions running a Kool-Aid stand!  Now, that’s hot!  Hotter than hell…..

Speaking of the devil…  (wasn’t that a smooth transition?)  my third “Adam Gold Mystery” will be published early next week.  The book is titled, DEVIL’S COVE.  Incredibly, three hundred books have already been pre-ordered, so we are off to a very good start.  You can help by ordering some books later in the week!  (No, you don’t have to order 300 copies!)

The publisher was smart enough to send an advanced copy to some reviewers in New York City, and I thought you might like to see the first review of the book…..

“DEVIL’S COVE is a lively caper…  Yanoff is a master story-teller, and there’s always something deadly serious behind his entertaining insurance-related tales… He continues to show why he is one of the best – and most consistent – mystery authors in America.”         (Renegade Reviews, N.Y.C.)

Naturally, I am VERY grateful for the kind words, and even more grateful for your continued support and encouragement.  In all seriousness, this is a TEAM effort, and I have a wonderful team!

Incidentally, my first non-fiction book is on its way to the wonderful world of literary representation in the Big Apple.  The book is titled, THE SECOND MOURNING.  (The Untold Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder)  As some of you know, the book recounts the assassination of President James A. Garfield.  I shall, as they say, keep you posted of my progress…. or lack thereof!

By the way, I made it to the final table of the Steiner Ranch Poker Tournament two weeks in a row… but the BIG poker story is about my friend Beverly (last name withheld for security reasons) who is currently playing in the MAIN EVENT of the World Series of Poker… and she has already won $40,000 and has survived day 5 of the tournament!  If she wins, she gets a cool $8,000,000!  (And a free copy of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE)  I hear she wants the money, but is more anxious to get her book!

Well, gang, that’s about it for me….  have a safe and pleasant week… and please remember that it is IMPOSSIBLE to lick your own elbow…    (I know some of you will try!)     Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

HOW WAS YOUR FOURTH OF JULY?  Did you display a “sparkling” personality, or did you have a “short fuse?”  I was lucky… I got to watch an explosive display of fireworks.  (The Texas Legislature was on C-Span!)  In any case, there were no “duds” in our group, and we had a marvelous Texas-style barbecue, compliments of the good folks at The Salt Lick.  Speaking of the Fourth…..

Did you know that the first Independence Day celebration occurred in the city of Philadelphia on July 8, 1776?  Believe it or not, it wasn’t until 1804 that the White House celebrated the event.  (Better late than never!)  For your reading pleasure, I now submit some fun facts about our nation’s birthday…..

In 1776, there were 2.5 million people in America.

In 2013, we have approximately 310 million people in America.

And because this is the MOST American of all holidays, you should know that…..

95% of our fireworks are made in…..  China!

94% of our American flags are made in…..  China!

The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship has been won (6 times) by a fellow named Takeru Kobayashi, who was born in…..  Japan!  (You thought I was going to say, China, right?)

Well, at least we have become an inclusive country!  When was the last time you saw an American sumo wrestling champion?  Or an American ping pong champion?  Exactly.  I rest my case.

So what else is new?  Well, the third “Adam Gold Mystery” titled, DEVIL’S COVE,  is set for publication and will be available on Amazon.com in the very near future.  I shall keep you informed of the exact release date.  Last week I spent some quality time with Will Ravenel, the world’s best structural integration therapist.  I had some shoulder pain that Will the “Miracle Worker”/magician made disappear in one short session!  If you’re ever in pain or discomfort, take my advice, and contact Will at Castle Hill Fitness.  (You will thank me later!)

I would like to say “Happy Birthday” to two remarkable (and stunningly attractive) women…..  Ms. Ingrid Kaminski and Ms. Sharon Francia.  Both of these lovely ladies recently celebrated their 39th birthday.  Ladies, you look marvelous, absolutely marvelous!   I would also like to congratulate Mrs. Helena Bomblatus, who is expecting a baby girl later in the week.  She’s expecting a baby, but not delivering one.  (Helena is the grandmother!)  Best wishes to her and her husband, Lee.  (And also to Rita….. who is actually having the baby!)

Well, gang, that’s about it for me.  Please remember that pushing the elevator button more than once does NOT make it arrive any faster.  (That one’s for you, Vicki!)  Finally, in light of our recent holiday, I would remind you what Mark Twain once said…..   “Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it….. ”

God Bless America!    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT…..

STAY OUT OF TEXAS!  Actually, the phrase goes like this…  “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.”  Truman said that.  Who knew that Truman Capote was so concerned about the weather?  Live and learn.  Make that, live and burn, if you live in Texas.  So here’s the deal…  Yesterday it was 106 degrees, which keeps the riff raff off of the golf course, and this morning it is 75 degrees.  By my calculation, that would be a 31 degree swing!  (The participation is 40%)  I think more folks would participate if it was cooler.  Just saying.

As you can see, we are now enjoying the “Dog Days of Summer.”  (The weather has been very “ruff.”)  Just in case you become a contestant on a game show, I think you should know that this term applies to a 40-day period from early July to early September.  There are many myths concerning the origin of the term, but in fact, it was coined in ancient Rome.  “Dog Days” refers to the rising and setting of the second brightest star besides the sun.  (no, not me.)  That would be Sirius, the Dog Star.  Sirius was one “hot dog.”  During this 40 day period, the temperatures rose astronomically, so to speak, and folks began to refer to the “Dog Days” of the year.

I know what you’re thinking.  Everybody complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.  Well, just for the record, that quote is often misattributed to Mark Twain (one of my literary idols).  In fact, it was first uttered by Charles Dudley Walker, an American essayist and novelist.  (Who was also a close friend of Mark Twain.)  So you see, I’m not the only one who steals material from a colleague!  (As I often say, “If they ain’t heard it before, it’s original!)

And speaking of original ideas and literary genius…..  THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE continue to rack up some impressive sales, and earlier this week, our blog gained two new countries!  Yours truly is now a best-selling author in the Philippines and in Madagascar!  (Just between you and me, Madagascar sounds like a race car organization.  But hey, the place has a population of 18 million readers, I mean, people.)  In any case, WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

Last Friday was an important day in the world of quality literature.  I finally finished my final revisions on DEVIL’S COVE, and the manuscript was sent to the printer!  We also corrected the spacing of the letters on the front cover, and now it looks marvelous, simply marvelous.  I’m told that I should have the first copy in several weeks, and then shortly thereafter, it will be available on all of the major internet markets.  Please feel obligated to purchase at least one copy.  (My air-conditioning bill is going to be high this month!)

I shall leave you with this profound thought….   All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism!

Have a safe and pleasant week…..    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

THE TRIPLE CROWN!

NO, NOT THE HORSE RACE!  (I wouldn’t “nag” you about that!)  However, I have crossed a “finish line” of sorts.  I am pleased to announce that the third installment of the “Adam Gold Mystery Series” will be published and available for purchase on or about August 1st.  The book is titled, DEVIL’S COVE, and it recently received the following review from a major New York publication (Kirkus Reviews) :

“Intensely clever, entirely credible… smart, suspenseful and securely anchored in procedure and purpose.  Yanoff is one of the best writers of clever mysteries at the moment… for those who enjoy a bit of humor in their heroes, Adam Gold has to be at the top of the list.”

Wow, I couldn’t have asked for a better review, and I am VERY grateful for the kind words.  We still need to adjust the spacing on the front cover (my first name is too close to my middle initial) but after that, we should be good to go.  Also exciting is the fact that we have reached a new blog milestone this week.  This (semi) humorous and  (vaguely) intelligent blog now has…..  5,000 followers!!

Forty-three countries now carry this blog, including, as of this morning, Bangladesh!  Do you know of this country?  Bangladesh is a small, liberal enclave surrounded by more conservative neighbors who would like to crush it.  (Much like Austin, Texas!)  Just kidding, we love Austin.  (After the Spurs lost, we’re not sure about San Antonio!)

Speaking of political things, did you notice that President Obama was in Texas recently?  Poor guy is engulfed by scandal.  When he went to San Antonio, he said, “Remember the Alamo!  And forget about Benghazi!”  Then he announced that the F.B.I. was using drones to spy on Americans.  Big deal.  Let’s be proud of the fact that the drones were made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans.

Hey, I just saw an N.S.A. van drive by my house!  No wait, that’s a Verizon vehicle.  Never mind.  Incidentally, why do they call that other group the “Internal Revenue Service?”  Confiscating my money is one “service” I could do without!  (No more I.R.S. jokes, lest I be audited!)

So what else is new?  Have you noticed that women who wear burkas never smile?

I have been busy “cleaning up” the final manuscript of DEVIL’S COVE, so I have not participated in any book signing/speaking engagements this week.  However, next week I shall be making an appearance in Dripping Springs, a lovely little town that bills itself as the “Gateway to the Hill Country.”  (With this heat, I’m sure I’ll be doing plenty of dripping!)  Nonetheless, I shall “spring” into action when the show begins!  If you’re in the vicinity, stop on by Milton Reimers Ranch.  (and bring your checkbook and a canteen)

Well, amigos y amigettes, I must run.  Last night my posse and I ate at a restaurant called “Little Greece.”  (At least it was Greek to me)  Unfortunately, they used a lot of grease at Little Greece, hence the running.  Don’t worry, I’m sure everything will come out fine.  (Gross!)  Take care and have a wonderful week…..

And by the way, if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

Did you know that this joyous celebration of Daddyhood began in the United States in the early part of the 20th century?  True enough.  The special day was the creation of  Sonora Smart Dodd, who was also a senora.  (A woman of the female persuasion.)  Miss Dodd was looking for a way to compliment Mother’s Day.  (Good idea to compliment both parents.  Think allowance.)  She came up with the idea while she was living in Spokane, Washington, in 1910.  Interestingly, her father was a Civil War veteran and a single parent who raised six children!  (Man, that guy deserves to be celebrated!)

Naturally, Congress resisted the temptation to do something smart and acknowledge fathers, so they defeated 3 or 4 efforts to create a national holiday.  A bill was introduced in Congress in 1913, but it lingered until 1966, when LBJ issued the first presidential proclamation honoring dads.  You heathen Democrats might be interested to know that the holiday was made permanent by a great Republican crook….   Richard Nixon!  President Nixon signed the bill into law in 1972, ushering in decades of bad ties and sweater vests.

So now, as the great Paul Harvey used to say, you know the rest of the story!

And speaking of stories…..  (wasn’t that a good segue?)   THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE continue to break new publishing barriers and garner fame and fortune for the author.  I also have some VERY exciting news about book number three in the “Adam Gold Mystery Series,” but I’m afraid I must wait until next Sunday to make my grand announcement.  (One last contract to sign.)

The third book is titled, DEVIL’S COVE, and it takes place in the Hill Country of Texas.  I think my fans will love the story, which is based on some bone-chilling events that occurred in this part of the world recently.  The cover is finished, and once again, Rachel Zell, one of America’s most gifted artists, hit a home run.  I absolutely love the front cover, and this time the book will be published in soft cover AND hard cover editions!  I might add that these books will make a lovely gift for that special someone in your life, especially when I autograph them for you!

So what else is new?  Well, I see that the NSA has been snooping around my email and telephone accounts.  (Good luck with that!)  What can I say?  The President promised to have an “open administration,” and sure enough they’ve been opening my email, my telephone records, and my bank accounts!  I’m fed up with the I.R.S., too.  Why isn’t tequila considered a legitimate deduction?  Where’s their patriotic spirit?  (I know where the other spirits went!)  I don’t know, I may have to run for President again.  (I got 2 votes last time.)

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a Happy Father’s Day and remind you that mom’s are just as important.  When I was in Tupelo last month, I went to the Tupelo Hardware Store, which is where Elvis Presley purchased his first guitar in 1945!  The owner told me that Elvis and his mother (Gladys) came in to buy the lad a birthday gift.  Elvis wanted a rifle, but his mother convinced him to buy a guitar.  (She paid $7.75 plus 2% sales tax!)  At first, Elvis tried to hunt with the instrument, but it was difficult to smash rabbits and squirrels with a six-string guitar.  The poor animals kept getting sliced to bits.  (Just kidding here!)  Anyways, you get the point… it takes two to tango.  So God Bless all Dads and Moms!

Y’all keep those cards and letters coming…. and don’t forget that Elvis luvs ya, baby.  And so do I!  Have a great day!

Doc Yanoff

HOME SWEET HOME…

BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE… there is no place like home.  (Although the Caribbean is pretty damn close!)  I am happy to report that my month-long book tour was a huge success, and that my publicist (Blind Lemon Lefkowitz) tells me that many copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE have been ordered on Amazon.com, Kindle, etc.  I would like to thank my domesticated partner for arranging the book signing gigs and listening to the (semi) fictional account of my college love-life.  (For the fifth time!)

Our travels took us from Austin, Texas to St. John in the American Virgin Islands, and in-between there were book signing stops in Tupelo, Mississippi (To visit the birthplace of Elvis Presley), Birmingham (Alabama), Atlanta (Georgia), Charleston (South Carolina), Boca Raton (Florida), Tallahassee (Florida), and Baton Rouge (Louisiana).  All told, we logged about 4,000 miles, and saw some lovely spots in this gorgeous country of ours.

The highlight of our trip was spending a week with two other couples in a luxurious villa overlooking Cruz Bay on the island of St. John.  I would like to thank Dr. and Mrs. Max Talbott and Lee and Helena Bomblatus (world famous snorkel enthusiasts) for their company and invaluable guidance on the consumption of rum. I would also like to thank Johnny Depp for letting us use his home, but I suggest that he remove the mirrors on the ceiling.  (I saw some truly frightening things!)

Along the way, we met some remarkable folks and gained a large number of new blog followers.  I would like to welcome a few of them, including….. Miss Nina Holcomb (hostess at the Elvis Presley Birthplace), Miss Ashley at the Tupelo Starbucks location, Miss Connie (who works at the Tupelo Hardware Store and directed us to the grave of Elvis Presley’s twin brother), the mayors of Atlanta and Charleston, Tonya and Shannon (the lovely snorkeling sisters from Pennsylvania), and all of the kind and generous folks who listened to my bad jokes and bought some books.  You all made this a memorable trip.

At the request of my financial advisor (Jesse James Lipschitz) I will now spend the next week catching up on bills.  (Always fun)  I know that some of you folks have been trying to reach me by phone, so please do not be alarmed if your call is directly forwarded to the NSA in Washington.  (I am a Verizon customer.)  You know, I wish these folks would “mine their own business” and leave me alone.  I’m not saying I don’t like the feds, but I’m starting to agree with one of my literary idols, Mark Twain, who said…..  “The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog!”

Well, you’ll have to excuse me now, I’m off to bankruptcyville .  If you would like to help me pay for my recent trip (or the upcoming jaunt to Belize) please send cash in a brown paper bag.  (No coins, please.)  I will send you a charitable donation receipt for the I.R.S.  (But don’t blame me if you get audited!)  We’d both be better off if you just ordered a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT or MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

Have a safe and happy week…..   Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  I almost forgot to welcome Ms. Maggie Baum-Wilson to my blog!  Welcome aboard, young lady.  I look forward to meeting you when you get home!

 

 

THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS…

EXCEPT FOR POLITICS….. I sail off to the Caribbean for 10 short days and the world falls apart!  Looks like our illustrious A.G, Eric Holder is in big trouble.  (I call him Eric “With-Holder”)  Apparently the I.R.S. is also in deep do-do.  The “Gilligan’s Island” video was the straw that broke the camels back.  (I hope that’s not an offensive term to Islamic terrorists.)  Serves the bandits right, taxing my hard-earned royalty checks.  They even sent me a nasty letter last year, refusing to believe that I paid my taxes late because somebody stole my identity.  (You know what really hurt?  The son of a gun returned my identity and said he didn’t want to be me!  He must have been a book reviewer.)

Speaking of show business……  I just got back from a little book signing gig.  I was signing copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE for senior citizens at Mizner Park in Boca Raton.  (I ended up giving away more books than I sold, but only because the old folks were so sweet, and my mother was watching!)  I wonder if Elmore Leonard started like this?  Hmmm.

And since we’re still on the subject of show business…..  My dear, sweet friend, and fellow cruiser, Judge Susan Marquess, recently shared some wonderful news with me…  her multi-talented son, Tyler, was just nominated for an EMMY AWARD by the National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences!  (Tyler is the Line Producer of “Let’s Make A Deal.”)  Hopefully, he will receive the EMMY on June 16, during the 40th Annual Daytime Entertainment Awards Ceremony.  We will all be rooting for him, especially Uncle Steve who is also in show business, and very popular on certain beaches in the Caribbean.

Speaking of beaches…..  I will soon be describing (in vivid detail!) and with plenty of adjectives, some of the hair-raising snorkel adventures that our crew undertook on the desolate and remote island of St. John!  (Which was actually packed with tourists, but that sounds wimpy.)  Stay tuned, you will love my shark story, the avocado tale, and the incredible snorkeling sisters, Tonya & Shannon!  Most of what you will read will be factual, and the rest will be highly imaginative fiction worthy of a Pulitzer Prize!

Our flight back to Florida was smooth as silk, except for the little snag we encountered at “Customs,” on St. Thomas.  A certain member of our party tried to smuggle out two DEAD iguanas!  (Don’t ask.)  The custom’s officer politely refused to let the smelly creatures out of the country.  He told the would-be smuggler that airline policy clearly stated “one carrion per passenger!”  Leapin’ lizards, that was a really bad joke!  (Some might call it a “reptile dysfunction!”)

Well, on that note I shall take my leave of thee.  I have to start packing for the long ride back to Texas.  (With book signing stops in Tallahassee, Mobile, New Orleans, and Beaumont.)  Hopefully, I won’t run out of books or be offered too many out-of-town checks!  The next time we meet, I shall be back in the lovely Hill Country of Austin!  Be it ever so humble…..

Be well, pay your taxes, and have a wonderful week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

STRANGER IN PARADISE…..

DO YOU REMEMBER THIS LOVELY SONG?  It’s from the 1953 Broadway show KISMET.  Well, I can tell you one thing, it certainly feels strange to be a stranger in paradise, but I’m starting to get used to the life of a beach bum.  I am composing this blog on the magnificent island of St. John, one of the most beautiful isles in the Caribbean.  If you recall from my last missive, I am down here with my pirate crew scouting out film locations for MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  (Which actually takes place in the Bahamas, but what’s the difference?)  My fellow bucaneers and I have rented a luxurious villa high upon a hillside, overlooking Cruz Bay.  The villa is incredibly large, and amazingly, it came with 3 attractive female servants.  (Our wives!)  Ouch, my wife just punched me!  Jeez, I was only (half) joking.

I have not sold a huge amount of books this past week, but only because of spiritual concerns.  (I am consuming a great deal of spirits and concerned about making change!)  Nonetheless, the locals have become quite fond of me, and except for the old woman in the voodoo shop, I can honestly say that most folks have been very gracious to us.  (Considering how many of their chickens we have run over.)  Down here they let their kids roam freely.  (Kids meaning baby goats.)  They also have wild donkeys that take over the roads whenever they feel so inclined.  (I like to drive by them and yell, “Hey, get your dumb ass off the road!”)  Yeah, I am one funny guy.

Marie Fondue, the voodoo woman, told my friends that she’s making a doll for me.  (Or maybe that was “of me,” I’m not sure.)  In any case, it will be ready tomorrow, just in time for my birthday!  On top of everything else, tomorrow is my birthday, and how lucky I am to be spending it down here with some close friends!  I honestly couldn’t think of a better place to celebrate.  Every morning, Lee Bomblatus(the most famous snorkel guide in the western hemisphere) takes me to some remote location on the island and we spend the morning in the most impossibly clear water on earth.  Today we went to a spot called East End, on the very eastern tip of the island, and we snorkeled in what can only be described as the world’s largest aquarium!  I have never seen so many colorful fish in my life.  OMG, was it amazing.

Each morning Lee and I (and sometimes our compadres) drive to a different bay, and by tomorrow or the day after, we will have vistited just about every bay on St. John.  Even though I am a future Pulitzer Prize-winning author, I could never adequately describe how much ocean life we have seen on this trip.  I am happy to report that the coral reefs are in good shape, and teeming with all sorts of fish.  If you ever want to see what God can do when He’s in a good mood, just come down here and jump in the water.  Truly breathtaking.

I know that many of you (especially those abroad) are wondering what you can get me for my birthday.  Well, thanks for your kind thoughts, but I don’t need a thing.  (Although I am running a little low on limes)  If you want to do something nice, just keep spreading the word about THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  After all, I am going to be in debt whence I return to the United States of America.  (Hey, good rum don’t come cheap, mon!)

Well, my loves, cool runnin’ and all that good stuff.  Remember, “don’t worry, be happy!”  Oggie boogie, shake that noogie!

Stephen “Rasta Mon” Yanoff