DISCOVERY DAY, 2013!

NO, I DIDN’T FIND ANOTHER GRAY HAIR…..  October 12th was actually “Discovery Day” in the Bahamas.  (The site of my second mystery, THE PIRATE PATH.)  In the U.S., we celebrate this day as “Columbus Day.”  Did you know that Colorado was the first state to officially honor the great explorer?  (1906)  Back then, they gave out free beer, which might have led to the phrase “Rocky Mountain High.”  (Hey, anything’s possible.)

Columbus Day became a federal holiday in 1937, giving federal workers ANOTHER day off.  (Personally, I wouldn’t grant a day off unless you were of Italian heritage and you discovered a New World.)  But that’s just me.  In any case, here’s a little trivia question for you…..  Name the four states that DO NOT recognize Columbus Day.  No cheating!  (Answer:   Hawaii, Alaska, Oregon, and South Dakota)  People in those states have poor vision, so they don’t recognize a lot of things.  (The rest of the country is more “farsighted.”)

Last Wednesday, October 16th, was National Boss’s Day.  (In my house it’s called “Wife Day.”)  Oddly enough, this holiday is celebrated in the United States, Canada, and Lithuania.  (No joking)  Don’t ask me how Lithuania got involved.  They were probably trying to outdo Latvia and Estonia.

Speaking of celebrations…..  Our blog site has now reached a very special plateau… we have (slightly) over 6,000 followers!  Wow, what a wonderful accomplishment!  Thank you!   By the way, what do you folks think about the new book covers for THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH?  I would love to hear your opinions, so don’t be shy!  Both covers were originally conceived by Mrs. Rachel Zell, a beautiful and talented artist who lives here in Austin.  Keep up the good work, Rachel.  (Conceiving is a wonderful thing!)

While we are on the subject of conceiving….. I would like to acknowledge a few of my younger blog followers.  (babies!)  Uncle Steve sends his best to Stella, Brooklyn, and Evan.  Make sure you stay dry and finish your mashed bananas.

Hey, did you hear that Native-Americans want to change the name of the Washington Redskins?  No joking.  They’re embarrassed to be associated with the city of Washington!  (I have certain “reservations” myself.)

Those of you that live or work in Austin, Texas, should keep your eyes on our award-winning newspaper next week.  A reporter will be coming up to my house on Wednesday for a feature-length interview.  I will be discussing my first two books (see above) and my last display of literary brilliance, DEVIL’S COVE.  She (the reporter) is bringing along a photographer, which means that I will have to groom myself.   Achieving fame and fortune is never easy!

By the way, last night we attended the Austin Music Festival, sponsored by Central Market.  Our group managed to wine and dine is splendid fashion, and most importantly, nobody got arrested.  I would like to thank the store management for featuring flyers of my books at the checkout counters.  Any publicity is good publicity  when you’re trying to sell books.

Finally, I would once again like to say thank you to the doctors and nurses at the Boca Raton Regional Hospital.  You took great care of my mother last week and I will never forget your competency and kindness.  What a great bunch of people…..  God bless you all!   (Mom is now in rehab, training for the 2014 Senior Olympics!)

Well, dear ones, have a great week, drive carefully, and keep those cards and letters coming.  God willing, I will have a special announcement for you next Sunday!  Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

SOMETHING FISHY!

SO GET A LOAD OF THIS…..  I have owned 5 different boats, 7 trailers (don’t ask), a countless number of rods and reels, and several million fishing lures during my illustrious career as an outdoorsman.  All this for 5 or 10 good fish.  (worth eating)  So what happens last week?  Well, I spent about 5 days in the lovely coastal village of Port Aransas, Texas.  Outside of our condo, there was a fishing pier, which I visited one evening….. and caught about 30 redfish and trout!  Without a boat!  Without a trailer!  Using a borrowed rod and reel!  I’m telling you folks, life just ain’t fair!

My wife also did some hooking.  (Better make that, fishing.)  She can cast quite well.  On a “scale” of one to ten, I would give her an eight.  She didn’t catch any fish, but she did manage to pierce a tourist from Arkansas.  (Holy moly!)  We stayed at the Dunes Condominiums, which are right on the beach.  The weather was simply incredible, bright sunshine every day, and the water was actually quite warm.  (Warmer than the Caribbean!)  Port A is truly a lovely place, but they need a nude beach.  Not that I would go there.  I once went bottomless and asked a lady if I was making her uncomfortable.  She replied…..  (all together now) “No, it’s no big thing!”

Good news on the publishing front…..   THE GRACELAND GANG went to the printer on Friday and in two or three weeks it will hit Amazon.com, Kindle, Nook, etc.  I think my fans, or should I say Adam Gold’s fans, will really enjoy the new book.  Judge Susan is the only resident of North America who has seen the newly designed cover, and she absolutely adored the darn thing.  (Or was that me she was referring to?)

Speaking of Judge Susan…..  I would like to send my warmest wishes to her lovely daughter, Miss Kellie.  Just want you to know that we are all thinking about you, Miss K!  (But you already knew that, right?)

My new publisher tells me that THE PIRATE PATH (another Adam Gold masterpiece) will be going to the book design department one day next week.  I have seen the initial layout, and once again, I am overwhelmed by the professionalism of the resident artists.

The really BIG news is that my first (and so far, only) non-fiction book (THE SECOND MOURNING) has been read by a VERY prominent literary agent who absolutely loved the manuscript!  I was truly surprised by his positive response, and I am now putting together a formal book proposal.  I shall, as they say, keep you informed of my progress.  Keep you fingers crossed for me!

My blog followers in Zaire (yeah, that’s right, I’m huge in Africa) have sent me some photographs of their last book club meeting, and with my daughter’s help, I will try to post them next Sunday.  Do you know what they serve as a snack during their meetings?  Baked missionary!  (All right, I’m lion.)  Maybe I should stop “beating around the bush?”  Bongo, bongo, bongo, I just hate to leave the Congo…..    However, I must prepare for the government shutdown.  (I’m stocking up on tequila)

Take care, have a great week, and look for the vivid details of my upcoming karaoke dinner party!  (Where can I buy ear-plugs?)   Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

DOOM WITHOUT GLOOM!

CHEER UP, MY FELLOW AMERICANS…..  I just received word that my Sunday blog will continue to receive funding even if our government shuts down on October 1st!    Nice to see that someone in Washington, D.C. has their priorities straight.  I understand they are taking some money from Homeland Security and putting into Homeland Humor.  Smart move.  Now I can continue producing sub-standard humor for the masses.  Hey, if a joke can’t stand on its own two feet, would that be considered a “lame joke?”  Hmmm.

Boy, some people are sooooo immature.  I’ve been trying to convince my family and friends that a semi-famous author like me needs a concubine.  (which is TOTALLY different than a porcupine.)  They think I’m being silly.  (Me, silly?)  If I had a concubine I would go from being an aspiring author to a perspiring one, and after all, isn’t that the goal of fame?  Look what hyper-sexuality did for Miley You-Can’t-Be-Serious, or Cyrus, or whatever her name might be.  (Meow.)

In case you’re wondering, my shoulder injury is behind me.  (Then again, both shoulders are behind me.)  I have been fully healed thanks to the magical touch of Will Ravenel, the world’s greatest rolfing therapist….. and a darn good magician, too!  Between coin tricks, Will works wonders with woefully worrisome and weary women and men who are willing to wander into his winsomely wonderful world.  (I dare you to say that ten times fast!)

Some of my fans are wondering if I am still planning to coat the back cover of my latest book (THE GRACELAND GANG) with Elmer’s Glue.  I’m not sure.  I’ve always wanted to write a book that people can’t put down.

Speaking of “put downs,” if those knuckleheads in Washington can’t reach an agreement, I will have to cancel my upcoming book tour to the Capitol.  My publisher was planning to hold a modest book release party on the steps of the Library of Congress, but if the government shuts down, the library closes.  Just between you and me, I sometimes wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Personally, I’m starting to dislike politics, even though I was named after George Washington, the father of our country.  (He was named in 1732, and I was named after that.)  I’m fed up with all of the bickering, yelling, threats, and accusations.  But enough about that concubine, let’s conclude on a happier note!

Did you know that the average person takes 17,280 breaths per day?  Well, now you do, so don’t forget to brush your teeth and gargle.  You need fresh breath to “scope” out the opposite sex.  Trust me, I’ve “brushed up” on this subject.  Feel free to cut and “paste” this paragraph.  All right, I’m running out of bad puns, so it’s time to leave…..  Have a great week and travel safely!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff