Nashville

February 24, 2013

THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!

NO, I AM NOT REFERRING TO THE LOOMING SEQUESTRATION!  (Or as we Texans call it, “Loom and Gloom.”)  Rather, I refer to that incredible show of planetary instability, a/k/a the Russian Comet!  (Well, maybe I got the ethnic thing wrong, but it was “Russian” toward Earth!)  At the risk of sounding like Chicken Little, who we all know was a “dumb cluck,” I must admit that the meteor shower was quite spectacular.

Did you know that it streaked across China and killed two rice farmers named Wong?  Of course, “two Wongs don’t make a ‘rite,” as they say at NASA.  Furthermore, there was carnage in Siberia.  In fact, three plump vodka drinkers (Siberian Huskies) were also killed.

When the news of a meteor shower reached Texas A & M University, the entire football team ran onto to the field with soap and towels!  The Aggie science department quickly announced that although the comet was white, there was also a black version in the solar system.  (I believe it’s called “Alex Haley’s Comet.)  How exciting!

AND NOW FOR SOME LOCAL NEWS…..     I am delighted to report that my dear friend Sharon Francia (a loyal blog follower) recently returned from Las Vegas, where she is rumored to have wed an ELVIS IMPERSONATOR!  The wedding, and subsequent morning divorce, took place at the Flamingo Hotel & Casino.  Apparently, Ms. Francia was inspired by some reading material in her possession.  (An autographed copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT.)  In any case, we all wish her well, regardless of whether or not she comes up with the bail bond.

I spent a lovely morning with Miss Melinda (Perez) last week.  If you ever need a great massage, this is the lady to call.  While I was there, she told me that I had the body of a much younger man.  (Who is Governor Christie?)  By the way, if you ever need any rehab work, you should try “rolfing,” and I would suggest that you contact Will Ravenel at Castle Hill Fitness.  (Will is known as “The Miracle Worker” here in Austin.)

Finally, for those that have inquired, I successfully rebuffed an attempt by the Chinese Military to hack into my ELVIS PRESLEY BLOG SITE!  Oh, those commie bastards tried their best, but truth, justice, and the American way prevailed!  Beware of this dastardly scheme!  Be vigilant!  You might receive an email from an inscrutable “Medical Researcher” from Rice University!  They might ask if you have any spare change, or a spare rib.  Do not be fooled!  He is just trying to “Shanghai” your funds!

Well, if there are no more questions, I will sign off.  However…  I leave you with a final point to ponder… If Jimmy cracks corn and on one cares, why is there a song about him??   Hmmm…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 27, 2013

BINGLE….. BANGLE….. BUNGLE…..

I REALLY LOVE THE JUNGLE!  Believe it or not, these were the opening lyrics to a popular song of the 1930’s.  (The second verse was….”Bongo Bongo  Bongo, I don’t want to leave the Congo!)  If  you ask me, these verses were sinfully bad.  One might say “vice verses.”  It would certainly be difficult to get much verse.  By the way, I know a lot about versailles because I went to musical school in upstate New York.  (Sing Sing)  While I was there I wrote a soap opera.  Would you like me to hum a few “bars”   All right, enough Sunday morning puns…. let’s move on, as we have a lot of ground to cover.  (Fear not, I am a gardener and I’m familiar with ground cover.)

Item One:   Hocus pocus, try to focus….  I really am heading for the jungle.  After I finish this blog, I will be packing my knapsack with mosquito repellent and Kaopectate!  Why for?  Because I am heading to the jungles of Belize and Honduras in search of a lost Aztec civilization of cannabis and head-hunters.  I do not expect to be successful.  (Mainly because the Aztec Indians lived in South America.)   Nevertheless, I will be exploring some remote regions with my intrepid band of A.P.E.S.    (Austin Poker Enthusiasts & Sailors)  Assuming that I am not eaten by a horde of Piranhas, I shall keep you informed of my whereabouts.  Those piranha fish are very smart.  I hear they’re always in schools.  (And they hate to play “hooky.”)  Sound dangerous.  On a “scale” of one to ten, this will be a ten.  If it was a five, it would be a “fin.”   (Something fishy about this routine!)

Item two:   The book signing that was scheduled for Tegucigalpa has been cancelled due to the fact that our local host (a pleasant drug cartel gentleman) will be incarcerated for the next twenty to thirty years.  I’ll let you know if he gets an early release or escapes.

Item three:  MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE (my second mystery novel) has just completed the first round of literary scrutiny (i.e., editing) and has been returned to the publisher for a second check.  Hopefully, we will still be on track for a publication date of March 1st.   (I know your lives are on hold until then.)

Item four:  I did not receive an invitation to the Inaugural Ball, so I called the White House to find out why.  The receptionist told me not to hold my breath.  That made me blue.  (Whenever I feel blue, I breathe.  Always helps.)  Anyway, I missed the big party.  Truthfully, I thought the First Lady looked very pretty, but I did not like her new hairdo.  (To me it was sort of a “hair-don’t.”)  However, she did get some “bangs for her buck.”  Cute cut, but she looked like one of the Supremes.  (No, not the judges!)

Item five:   I only have one thing to say about the debt ceiling problem…..   “Money is the roof of all evil.”

Item six:  I had a delightful book signing/speaking engagement in the town of Gonzales, which is about an hour south of Austin.  If you ever drive down there, check out the Memorial Museum and then head to the historic downtown center.  If you enjoy Mexican food (who doesn’t?) grab some lunch at the Matamoros Taco Hut.  After eating there you will not need to stop for gas, so I would walk around town and take in the sights.  (Gonzales, for you history buffs, is where they had the famous cannon with the banner “Come and take it!”   Those Texians were a tough group of boys.  (Big shots, too.)  The cannon still works, so don’t stick your head into the barrel.  (Takes forever to get loose.)

Item six:   Congratulations to my dear friend Leigh Ann Woodward, who finished 5th in a MAJOR poker tournament up in Choctaw, Oklahoma.  The woman is charming, lovely, and a fierce competitor.  Well done, madam!  We (your poker buddies in Austin) are very proud of your accomplishment.  (Send me some money.)

Item seven:  A big American patriotic THANK YOU to Matt Houser, who is soon to be deployed in the service of our country.  Matt is the husband of Sarah (Williams) Houser, who was one of my very best students at St. Edward’s University.  Sarah and Matt are the type of young folks that  make this country great, and I am proud to have them as friends.  Best of luck, Matt!  (We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.)

Item eight:   Another round of thanks to my dearest travel mate Barbara Talbott.   (Barbara, as you might know, was “Miss Indiana” during her younger days in Munchie, I mean, Muncie.)  She recently bestowed upon thee a very appropriate gift….  a shirt that read….  “Stay Clam And Proofread.”    Sad, but true.  (I wear it almost every day!)

Item nine:  In case you’re keeping track, I have been doing very well at poker.  Playing under the nom de plume of “The Cobra,” I finished 5th and 6th in the last two poker tournaments here in lovely Austin.  Today, Sunday, I will be playing in the Central Texas Poker Invitational Championship Tournament.  (Try fitting all that on a shirt!)  The tourney starts at 3 o’clock and should be a lot of fun.  (Especially if they let me deal.)

Item ten:   This one is going to hurt…..  Guess who is ranked number TWO in the overall poker standings???    No, not me.  I’m not even in the top ten!  However, The Corpus Christi Crusher (a/k/a  Patty Yanoff) is ranked number two and very close to taking over the top spot!  I tell you folks, life ain’t fair.  All of the poker academy graduates……   Max, Barbara, Susan, Jeff, Jorene, Sharon, etc……  Well, they are all playing better than the snake!  What’s up with that?

Well, dear friends and followers, I must bid you adieu.  I see a stack of pancakes with my name on it, so duty calls!  Have a wonderful week and try to laugh a little.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 13, 2013

THE KING OF CLUBS! (BOOK CLUBS)

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS TALKING ABOUT POKER AGAIN!   AU CONTRAIRE!   (Although there remains some doubt as to whether I am “playing with a full deck!”)

I am happy to report that this week was “Book Club Week” here at the Ponderosa Ranch.  On Monday I had the pleasure of driving down to lovely La Grange, Texas, a charming village approximately 65 miles southeast of Austin.  Whence I arrived, I was warmly welcomed at the Texas Czech Heritage and Cultural Center.  (There were no “bad Czechs” present!)  After a rather brilliant oration, I moseyed on over to Weikel’s Bakery (for a homemade kolache) and then stopped briefly at Prause Meat Market (to sample the smoldering pits!) and pump out my stomach.  I was fortunate to meet the mayor of the town, and during our conversation, I suggested a “town motto.”  (I.E., “Keep Austin Weird”)   Every town has one, I said to his honor.  So….. I suggested this little doosey…..   “The Range near La Grange ain’t too Strange!”     (I’ve been waiting for my first royalty check from the city fathers, and just to be nice, I offered to accept payment in kolaches.)

AND NOW FOR A SHORT COMMERCIAL BREAK……    On Tuesday I had one of the very best deep tissue massages of my life!  (Courtesy of Ms. Rebecca Lee, my jet setter daughter who is off to Hawaii and Japan on Tuesday)  If you live in Austin, you must contact the one and only Melinda Perez  (melindaperez.lmt@gmail.com) and you will not be disappointed!  The young lady is simply divine!  (I should know, because I have been touched by many women (the price of fame) and because when I was a lad, I wanted to be a massage therapist!)  However, they told me that I “rubbed people the wrong way,” so I did not purse my rubbing license.  Ah well, Melinda is much better.

FAST FORWARD TO THURSDAY!  (Evening)   Another stellar (actually, cellar) performance….. this time at the most famous and influential book club in LAKEWAY!   Due to popular demand (and a slow week) my agent, Black Bart Berkowitz, was able to “book me” at the Lakeway mansion of Mrs. Jaime Rubenstein, the leading Grand Dame of Literature in the Central Texas area.  My goodness, what a treat!  The dear woman served a formal sit-down dinner (with chairs!) in her beautiful dining room, complete with high quality wines (with corks!) superb place settings (with forks!) and a meal fit for….. a KING!  (Obviously a reference to the book we discussed…..  THE PRESLEY PLOT.)    It was not easy being surrounded by good food and wine, and a roomful of women hanging on my every word, but I managed to maintain my composure, keep most of my clothes on, and deliver another sterling performance.  (the forks were sterling, too.)   I wish to thank Madame Rubenstein for arranging this wonderful event.  A fine time was had by all!

SPEAKING OF FINE TIMES……   Happy Birthday Wishes to Jill Crocker and Carol Yondola Finkelstein, two lovely ladies who are celebrating their 39th birthday this week!  (Did I get the age thing right, ladies?)

AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF BIRTHDAYS……   Last Tuesday was ELVIS PRESLEY’S birthday.  If the King had lived, do you know how old he would be?  (Better sit down for this one)   Incredibly, Elvis would be 78 years old!   Yikes, how time flies when you’re having fun!

AND SPEAKING OF FUN…..  The famous art department at Aberdeen Bay Publishers came up with a “knock-out” book cover for my second mystery novel, titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  I simply loved the initial design, and was blown away by how it caught the eye.  (No hints!)  However, I can tell you that the cover is very mysterious (duh) and very unusual in a good sense.  If I am permitted to do so, I will post a “rough draft” of the cover on a future blog.

Finally, since several of my brilliant blog followers have inquired about upcoming projects, let me share some news with thee…..   The third “Adam Gold” mystery (DEVIL’S COVE) is being professionally edited as we speak, and it should be at the typist some time around March 15th, 2013.   The fourth book in the series, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, is being written at a slightly slower pace, not because of “writer’s block,” but because I am busy putting the finishing touches on my first NON-FICTION book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  (THE UNTOLD STORY OF AMERICA’S MOST BIZZARE POLITICAL MURDER)     God willing, the non-fiction book will be published some time during the summer.  I think you folks are really going to enjoy this one, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I (finally) won the Pulitzer Prize.  (Depends on the dang judges.)  I wish there was a way to bribe those dudes.

Anyway, I digress.  I trust I have answered your various inquiries.  Please keep those cards and letters (and royalty checks) coming.  I do appreciate your blog loyalty and look forward to chatting with you again in the very near future.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

January 6, 2013

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

(AND I DON’T MIND IF YOU STAND UP AND SHOUT IT!)

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure (and more money) to inform you that Aberdeen Bay Publishing has just (yesterday) agreed to publish……  my second mystery novel!

Yes, it’s true!  The second “Adam Gold Mystery” will be available to the general public (and certain penal institutions) on or about MARCH 1, 2013!

For those of you on the Pulitzer Committee, the name of this book is……  MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.      As some of you know, Maiden Lane is located in the Financial District of Lower Manhattan.  In fact, the lovely lane is right around the corner from my old insurance office on John Street.  Maiden Lane has quite a checkered past (much like my high school girlfriend) but is most famous for two things…… being in the heart of the “high risk” insurance neighborhood, and being the home of Captain Kidd, the famous American pirate.

AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF PIRATES…….    I shall now share with you the exact “book cover blurb” that will appear on the back cover of the new book…. right above my new and improved photograph…..   (Let me know if it grabs your attention!)    If so, you can grab the book on Amazon.com when it becomes available…….   All right, here goes…….

“WHILE EXCAVATING A VACANT LOT IN LOWER MANHATTAN, WORKERS UNEARTH A 300-YEAR-OLD SKELETON AND SOME COINS THAT MIGHT BE PART OF A PIRATE TREASURE.  THE DISCOVERY HALTS THE CONSTRUCTION OF A SKYSCRAPER, DRAWING THE IRE OF CORRUPT POLITICIANS, GREEDY DEVELOPERS, AND THE MAFIA.  IT ALSO ATTRACTS THE ATTENTION OF A MYSTERIOUS YOUNG WOMAN WHO CLAIMS TO BE A DESCENDANT OF A FAMOUS PIRATE….. A WOMAN WHO IS WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HER HANDS ON THE TREASURE!”

Well, there you have it.  The cover is in the “design phase” as we speak, and will be a bold presentation of color and content.  (Much like me)   If I get an opportunity, I will post some of the first designs to give my blog followers a sense of how a fiction book is put together.  I think you will find the process quite interesting.

AND NOW FOR SOME OTHER NEWS…….       CONGRATULATIONS to Ms. Rebecca Lee Yanoff, who has a brand new position in Austin.  A commercial development project coordinator for a prestigious local firm that is about to build the very first “high end” luxury day spa in the city!  Rebecca’s responsibilities are numerous, and in order to build an authentic Japanese facility, the firm is sending her (and the marketing genius) to ……….  Hawaii and Japan!    Yep, you read that right.  My little girl will be spending four or five days in MAUI (Wowee!) and then fly to TOKYO AND OSAKA to interview some of the leading Asian spa owners on the island.  The idea is to see and learn what makes a world-class facility.  When the Austin project is complete, they want Rebecca to manage (and partially own!) the spa.  So……  hooray for Rebecca-san!    (But remember, no blow fish!)

A big shout out and congratulations also to Mr. Adam Zell……   the First Place Winner of the “River Place New Year Poker Championship!”     Adam played very well and beat some terrific poker players (including me!) on his way to the final heads-up competition.   It was looking grim until the lad got lucky on the river and pulled a Jack of clubs, giving him a very sweet flush!  He won a substantial amount of money.  (None of which he shared with me!)  What’s up with that?

More congratulations to one of my long-time blog followers…….   Mrs. Rita York-Hennecke…… the beautiful daughter of the beautiful Portuguese Princess Helena Bomblatus.  Rita has recently discovered that she is “with child,” as they say in Kansas.  Her pregnancy is wonderful news!  I’m sure she will have a gorgeous baby.  (If she has a boy, I think “Stephen” would be a wonderful name.  Just saying.)  Best wishes to Rita and Mike!

FOR MY ADORING ELVIS FANS…….   (OR SHOULD I SAY, “ADORABLE”)  …….  DID YOU KNOW……  That on this day in 1957, Elvis made the last of his three appearances on the Ed Sullivan Show?  (Which was filmed at the Maxine Elliot Theatre on W. 39th Street.)   I used to go there when I was a youngster, but I missed this show.  Too bad.  The King sang “Hound Dog.” “Don’t Be Cruel,” “Love Me Tender,” and “Heartbreak Hotel.”     Wow!  Imagine hearing the big guy sing all four of those classics!  (By the way, this is the infamous performance where the network would only film Elvis from the waist up!)   Just think of how far we’ve come (descended) from those days!  Now all television is a “waist.”  (Waste)     Incidentally, after the show, which was a “really big show,” Elvis took the midnight train home to Memphis!  Well, at least he was on the “right track” back then!   Amusing to think that there were no flights to Memphis at the time.

In closing, I would like to tell you that THE PRESLEY PLOT has now been purchased (and hopefully read!) in 40 different countries around the globe!  God Bless the internet!  We should all be grateful to Al (Jazeera) Gore for inventing the darn thing in his spare time.  Thanks to the world wide web, great literature (and my books) can be shared with uneducated heathens and unrepentant criminals in all four corners of the globe!  (By the way, how can a globe have corners?  The dang thing is round!  Just saying.)

Well, I wish you a happy and healthy week and a wonderful post-New Year period.  Drop me a line when you can, and thanks again for following my weekly rant.

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

December 30, 2012

THE GANG THAT COULDN’T SHOOT STRAIGHT!

WELL, NOW THAT WE FIND OURSELVES TEETERING ON THE EDGE OF A FINANCIAL APOCALYPSE…..   IT’S TIME FOR…..SOME HUMOR!!

(Hey, laughter is the best medicine, remember?)   All right, I was just trying to envision the upcoming Senate hearings….  The hearings that will determine our next Secretary of the Treasury (assuming that Timothy Geithner is run out of town.)   Sooooo…. perhaps it’s time to turn over the reins of government to a couple of “Marxists.”   (Stay with me on this one!)  Here goes:

GROUCHO:  Wake up, Chicoletti.  How would you like to be the next Secretary of the Treasury?

CHICO:  I don’t think so.  My legs are too hairy.

GROUCHO:  What’s your view of the fiscal picture?

CHICO:  That was a good movie.

GROUCO:  Come again?

CHICO:  “A Fiscal Full of Dollars.”  Eastwood in Deadwood.

GROUCHO:  (Sighing)  What can you tell me about currency?

CHICO:  Well, I currency live in New York.

GROUCHO:  No, you idiot, I’m referring to dollars!

CHICO:  My cousin lives in Dallas

GROUCHO:  I’m talking about taxes!

CHICO:  Yeah, that’s where he lived.  Dollars, taxes.

Ah, if only George S. Kaufman and the gang were alive today!  What a (W.C.) field day they would have with Washington, D.C.    So…….since we are on the subject of “political theatre,” I would like to give you my take on some recent issues in the press…..

My high school buddy, Pete Weisberg, read that President Obama recently won a man date!  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Just saying.)

My Republican sweetheart (Barbaroo Talbott) heard that Eric Holder has already asked for one exemption to the upcoming “assault weapons ban.”   (Eric the Red wants to exempt all Mexican Drug Cartels!)  Si?

I just heard on the news that the Russians have banned all American adaptations!   Commie bastards.  (There goes my screenplay of “THE PRESLEY PLOT!”)

I was out of town when the Mayan Apocalypse occurred.   Does anybody know if the world actually ended?  Just drop me a line, so I can adjust my schedule accordingly.

SPEAKING OF WORLD CHANGING EVENTS…..   Some of my (more) alert blog followers have inquired about last week’s WATERLOO POKER CHAMPIONSHIPS.  NO, I DID NOT WIN!   However, (you’d better sit down) Patty Yanoff, a/k/a “The Corpus Christi Crusher,” WON FIRST PLACE AND A WHEELBARROW FULL OF CASH!!!    Yep, you have read correctly.  The wife actually won the whole darn tournament!  (Without cheating!)   I would have been very proud of the dear woman, except for one thing.  She kept the wheelbarrow and gave the money to charity!  (How selfish is that!)  I normally split my winnings with her, but not any more!  Jeez, giving money to charity?  Really?  (Poor girl is clueless!)

AND FOR YOU ELVIS DIE-HARDS……  Did you know that on this day, in 1957, the album “Elvis’ Christmas Album” became the NUMBER ONE album in the United States?  In my humble view, this is arguably one of the best holiday albums of all time.  (Although, Johnny Mathis also put out an amazing album.)  I do hope that nobody had a “Blue Christmas!”  Which, incidentally, was the King’s FAVORITE Christmas song of all time!

I don’t want to scare anybody, but on this day, in 1862, the U.S.S. Monitor sank!  (Back to the fiscal cliff?)  Yikes.

Finally, for you literary types, did  you know that on this day, in 1816, Shelley married Mary?  (I should explain that this would be Percy Bysshe SHELLEY and MARY Wollstonecraft)  Two fun people from the nineteenth century.  Neither one of them had a sense of humor, but they were above average writers.  (No mystery novels.)  Well, that’s more than enough academia for one blog, eh?  Fine, I shall return to the gutter!  I just saw a truly bad movie.  “Les Miserables.”  It was miserable!  Lots of dancing and singing, and very few guillotine scenes.  What’s up with that?  I wanted to see Hugh Jackman “lose his head” over some French chick.  You know, observe a true “slice of life” from the Revolution.  I thought the movie was going to be a “cut above,” the usual Hollywood garbage, but I was wrong.  (Hey, I could have gone with the director yelling, “CUT!”)

Well, I’d better quit while I’m “ahead.”  (Oops!)    Sorry about that last one.  I hope you all have a HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR!  GOD BLESS US ALL!

Love to all…..   Doc Yanoff

December 16, 2012

DRIBS AND DRABS…..

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRIB AND A DRAB??   (Me neither)  Well as they say in guitar class, don’t fret.  They basically mean the same thing.  (“A small drop”)  Some folks think that the word “Drib” is short for “Dribble.”   They are wrong.  You can’t get much shorter than a drib.  And by the way, speaking of shortening words….  How come the word “Abbreviation” is so darn long?  Does that make sense to you?  (Me neither)  Such is the English language, which just happens to be one of 2,700 languages in the world.  (Composed of roughly 750,000 words!)  Oddly enough, I can only spell 10% of them.  Bummer dude.

AND NOW FOR SOME DRIBS AND DRABS…….   I had my hour-long telephone interview with AMAZON BOOK CLUB on Monday.  The conversation went very well and the good folks at Amazon will be dedicating a FULL PAGE to THE PRESLEY PLOT sometime in the next week or two.  (I will keep you informed.)  They intend to run a full book cover, my photo, and a lengthy review of the book.  The Amazon Book Page will be sent to…..  100,000 websites across the world!  I am very excited about this development.  Book sales should swell.  (Along with my ego!)

Playing under the nom de plume of “THE COBRA,” I entered a huge poker tournament this past week.  The prizes were substantial (But I am loath to mention the amounts, due to my recent I.R.S. Blog followers)  and as usual, I made a fine and slithering show of myself.  I placed SECOND, and would have won if not for a damn “river king.”     Ah well, I still had a great time and raked in some moola.  (Do cows ever rake in “moo-la?”)  Just asking.

Ravi Shankar passed away this week.  The New York Times (a commie rag) described him as a “prolific sitarist,” but I don’t think he was that clever or funny.  The lad was 92, which meant that he “strung us along” for many years.  (So much for satire.)  Speaking of the Times, do you guys remember William Satire, the columnist?  Now he was clever and funny.

Hilary Clinton must be writing a book, too.  I heard she fell down and came up with a conclusion.  (She should quit while she’s still “ahead.”)

I just finished my third mystery novel yesterday!  (Titled…..   “DEVIL’S COVE.”)   The tale is centered around the planned theft of the Gutenberg  Bible from the Ransom Center in Austin.  After I finished it, I realized that I could write a “healthier” sequel for folks on a special diet.  In the second book, the bad guys would try to steal a “Guten-free Bible” made of protein-less wheat!  (They hope to get a lot of “dough” for the book.)   Do this sound like an interesting “slice” of life?  Will Adam Gold “rise” to the occasion?  Will he protect the “upper crust” of society?  These, and many other bad puns, await my dedicated followers!

A word to some of those followers……   Our thoughts and prayers go out to my great friend Max Talbott, who is now in Indiana handling a family situation.  God’s speed, cousin!   Happy belated birthday to a brilliant and beautiful lady named Christine Nickles!  (One of my oldest and dearest friends!)   Hard to believe she’s sixty.  (That means I’m getting older, too!)  A big kiss to Miss Rebecca Lee.  (Suffering from allergies)  I hope you are feeling better today!   A huge “Thank You” to the Fort Worth chapter of the Presley fanatics.  They purchased a large amount of books recently.  If you need some autographs, just let me know and I’ll meet you at the Stockyards!  (And buy you a big steak!)

SPEAKING OF ELVIS PRESLEY……   On this day, in 1956, The King made his 50th (and final) appearance on “Louisiana Hayride.”    And more importantly……  Elvis must have been a little chilly, because he was just about to be contacted by his local “draft board!”   (You’re in the Army now!)     One last item….. also on this day, in 2004, Lisa Marie Presley announced that she would keep Graceland, but sell the bulk of the Elvis estate.  (Which she did, for…..  $100,000,000!)   Not bad for a hillbilly singer.

Well, I hope I have brought some cheer into your lives.  (This has been a rough week for a lot of us.)    Please take good care of yourselves and have a wonderful week.   (As the Jewish gastroenterologist once said…..  “This too shall pass!”)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

December 9, 2012

MARKETING 101 (HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE)

WHAT IS GREEN AND SINGS?   GIVE UP? …..  ELVIS PARSLEY!   (Hey, I could have gone with “Frank Snot-tra!)   Well, in any case, this was my opening joke at the Austin Senior Center last week.  Would you believe that a 90-year-0d woman told me it was lame!  (She was a little lame, herself)  As some of you know, I occasionally volunteer at the center.  I am a C.T.C.  (Certified Trip Chaperon)  We bring 30 seniors on a field trip and then (ideally) return the same 30 seniors to the center.  Every so often someone wanders away and then we have an awkward situation.  (I personally just pick up a hitchhiker or two and then drop them off at the center.)  They only count heads.  (Sometimes tails.)  Anyway, I love speaking to seniors.  They are always the best audience and the most interesting folks.  Some of the octogenarians are poor poker players, but it’s nice knowing that they only have to wait one month to get reimbursed for their losses.  What a great country we live in!

I would like to extend a hardy “buenos dias” to Helena Mont’ Alverne de Sequeira and Countess Connie, the two lovely ladies that have promoted THE PRESLEY PLOT in Portugal!  These two women are Lesbonians.  (From Lisbon?)  They are both members of the “Awesome Azores Elvis Fan Club,” one of the largest fan clubs in that part of the world!  Welcome to America, ladies!  I look forward to dining with you during the upcoming week.  (No sardines, though!)

Last Thursday I had the honor and pleasure of speaking before the River Place Book Club here in Austin, Texas.  My goodness, what a fun event that was!  The speaking engagement and book signing was hosted by the lovely and talented Mrs. Claudia Tobias.  Mrs. “T” has a beautiful home overlooking one of our magnificent canyons, and this being the holiday season, the entire house was decorated with Christmas ornaments.  The place looked great!  So cheerful and warm.  I held court (after one very strong Mimosa) for two hours, and during that time, the ladies of the group asked some truly insightful and intelligent questions.  (No, they did not ask for my PIN numbers!)  These ladies were highly educated and very well read, and I absolutely loved the questions they asked.  In all honesty, this was one of my most enjoyable outings.  Sooooo……  I would like to say thanks again to my good friend Claudia, and I would also like to say “howdy” to all of the wonderful women that were present…..  Pat, Suzanne, Lois, Sharon, Pam, Betty, Kay, Sylvia, Betsey, and Donna D.

AND NOW FOR YOU ELVIS FANS……  Did you know that on or near this date in 1972, Elvis Presley went shopping (Not at Barton Creek Mall) and spent more money than my own wife does on one of her mad dash outings?  True enough, folks.  The King spent $10,000 for 5 jumpsuits, 5 silk shirts, and repairs to 8 other jumpsuits.  That, my friends, is a lot of money to spend on jumpsuits and silk, considering that Elvis never went sky-diving.  He did “jump” to conclusions now and then.  He also had several “leaps of faith.”  And yes, he “fell” for many women.  God, when will these puns ever end??   Well, shoot (chute?) I should stop while I’m ahead.

Several of my blog followers have asked when MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE will be available.  (The second “Adam Gold Mystery.”)   God willing, I should hear something this coming week, and as soon as I do, I will pass the news along.  My publicist will be doing some holiday advertising in our local newspapers, so if you live in Texas, you might just see my face or image in your newspaper.  If you can’t wait, just head on down to the post office.  They have a very flattering mug shot, I mean, head shot, of me on display.  (I don’t care for those profile photos.)

Finally, since this is the first day of Hanukkah, I would like to wish all of my Jewish friends a joyous week.  I don’t think any other Jewish holiday can “hold a candle” to Hanukkah.

Come on, now, that was funny!     L’chaim!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

November 28, 2012

MAKING HISTORY, PART II

IN MY HUMBLE VIEW….. Making history is almost as much fun as making whoopee.  (I said almost.)  I am referring, of course, to the re-publishing of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  I am very happy to report that Aberdeen Bay Press has sent me the official notification and that the newly revised version will be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, and other sites in about  two or three weeks.  As I believe I previously mentioned, they already have a standing (or sitting) order for 225 copies, so if you need some books for the holidays, do not delay ordering.  After they’re gone you will have to wait… I have a little gout, I mean, clout, but even I have to wait in line.  (Oh, the injustice of it all!)

Several of my loyal devotees have asked about the American Queen riverboat cruise.  (The Elvis-themed excursion leaving from New Orleans.)  Well….. here I was, preparing my brilliant lecture on Tupelo, when lo and behold we hit a snag.  (Not the boat, me)  The snag was the river itself!  Have you read about our drought in this part of the country?  Lake Austin (here in lovely Austin, Texas) is only 40% full!   If my math is correct, that means its almost 60% empty!  Yikes!  What the hell did Al Gore do?

Anyway, no water means no riverboating, no riverfloating, and no rivergloating.  What can I say?  For the first time in American history, the Mighty Mississippi is suffering from low water levels, and it is severely affecting all of the river traffic, both private and commercial vessels!  Due to this lack of H2o, I thought it best to reschedule my voyage.  I will keep my fellow travelers informed of my whereabouts!  (Easy to do with this darn electric ankle bracelet!)

Now for some Elvis news…..  Did you know that on this very day, in 1954, Elvis Presley did something very rare?  (No, he didn’t go on a diet.)  But he did miss two previously scheduled shows that were sold out in Memphis, Tennessee.  (Which, I might add, is where Graceland happens to be.)  So what happened, you ask?  Well, he actually missed his airline connection in Houston!  If you have ever flown through Houston, you know how easy this can be.  So it seems that we are in good company.  I do not know if the airline offered The King any travel compensation, but I’m sure he got several bags of free peanuts.  (Maybe even one of his favorite peanut butter snacks!)

Incidentally, a number of my more curious blog followers have asked about Rachel and Adam (my daughter and new son-in-law) and they wanted to know what those two crazy kids thought of Cape Town, South Africa.  Well, they loved the place.  I have seen some of the photographs, and they are truly amazing.  Mountains on one side, the ocean on the other, and the most magnificent flora and fauna you can imagine.  (Flora was particularly attractive!)  The only “tricky” part of the trip was the safari.  On day one they were detained by a horde of pygmies!  (But just for a “short” time.)  Then they were stopped by headhunters!  (But neither needed a job.)  Finally, on day three, they were asked to play the drums for a tribe of Ubangi warriors!  (The tribesmen kept shouting, “You bangee!”  “You bangee!”)  Adam finally gave in and banged the damn drum, but as they found out, he marches to the beat of a different drum.  In any case, Rachel explained the “big bang theory” to the tribal chieftain and all was well.  You can’t “beat” a vacation like that!

Finally, I would like to give a big shout out to Max and Barbara, the President and Vice-President of my Indiana Fan Club For Elvis Authors!  They are taking care of some personal business this week, and we wish them well!  Also, thanks to Judge Susan for her recent legal work on behalf of my growing literary estate!  Another job well done.  If you are in or around Salado, Texas next week, look for my mug on a poster.  (No, not at the Post Office)  I am tentatively engaged to speak at a  book club in that charming town.  I will send the details later.

Have a wonderful day and please drive carefully.  (I keep hearing about a fiscal cliff in front of us.)  I will write again soon…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

 

November 25, 2012

THE PRESLEY PLOT MAKES HISTORY!!

THIS BETTER BE GOOD SINCE I USED TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS!!   Well, actually, it is very, very good.  For the first time since the Bronze Age (or maybe it was the Iron Age) Aberdeen Bay Press, the world’s foremost publisher of brilliant mystery novels, has decided to publish a SECOND EDITION of a book within a six month period!!  (There are those two exclamation points again.)  Would you like to guess the name of this best-selling book?  That’s right…..  THE PRESLEY PLOT!

Due to popular demand (and the fact that Amazon.com only has 3 copies left!) the publisher is re-issuing my book.   And here’s the best part….  they have gone through the book with a fine tooth comb and corrected every spelling and typographical error that was in the first edition!  Soooooo…..  if you need a wonderful, enchanting, entertaining novel for the holiday gift giving season (and you can’t find FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY) zip on over to Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com and order you brand new, fully revised copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  (Your brain will thank you!)  Incidentally…..   the new edition already has a pre-order of over 200 books!!  So remember, he who hesitates, is lost!

If you are one of the lovely young ladies who is awaiting a book (Ms. Baum and Mrs. Isler) be patient!  I will send one along as soon as they become available!

NOW FOR SOME OTHER ELVIS NEWS…….

Did you know that there is a “Little Graceland” in Texas?  True enough.  In the Rio Grande Valley town of Los Fresnos, Simon Vega curates a treasure trove of Elvis memorabilia at his LITTLE GRACELAND MUSEUM.  (Mr. Vega actually served in the Army with Elvis!)  The museum has pictures of Elvis, Elvis albums, Elvis 45’s (not the pistols) Elvis statues, Elvis mugs, and Elvis enchiladas.  (Just joshing about the food.)   In any case, the museum is open Thursday thru Sunday.  10 a.m. to 5 p.m. by appointment.  The next “Elvis Festivale” is set for January, 12, 2013, so if you’re in the area, swing by and join the fun.  I have spent some time down in the Valley and can honestly say that it is a warm and charming location…. and the residents are simply wonderful.

NOW FOR SOME FINAL, EXCITING NEWS…….

Keep your eyes and ears focused on The New York Times, Fox News, Variety, and Popular Mechanics, for some very exciting news concerning the SECOND ADAM GOLD MYSTERY NOVEL!   That’s right, my friends, book number two will be available in the not-too-distant future!  The book is titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  This time around, Adam Gold will become entangled in a hunt for Captain Kidd’s treasure!  The book has already received some glowing reviews, and if you believe the literary pundits, it is destined to become another best selling mystery novel.  I shall, as they say, keep you apprised of the situation!

Until then, I remain, your humble correspondent.  (Which is better than being a bumbling despondent.)   Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

November 21, 2012

GOBBLE GOBBLE!

HAPPY HOLIDAY!   Did you know that the very first Thanksgiving was held in a car?  Yep, in a PLYMOUTH!  (The Pilgrims couldn’t afFORD anything else and they didn’t want to DODGE the party!)  You can’t make these things up, folks.  (Well, actually you can, but I won’t go there.)  Anyway, a lot of Americans think this wonderful holiday has something to do with Captain John Smith and his main squeeze Pocahontas, but that is simply not the case.  I will admit that Captain Smith (almost) lost his head over her, but that’s only because he was rude.  (He kept pointing at her during dinner and then, after some cheap corn whiskey, he tried to poke her with his index finger.  You should never,ever, poke a hontas!

As you can see, I know a great deal about indigent people.  (Poor Indians)   Did you know that Pocahontas was the daughter of Powhatan?  Did you know that her uncle lived in New York City?  (Yeah, his name was MANHATTAN)  Did you know that one of her descendants was Nancy Reagan?  (This is actually true.)  But enough about her…..  let’s get to the great holiday known for peace, love, and wonderful sales at the mall.

Interestingly, seven other nations celebrate THANKSGIVING!  (Originally a day to celebrate a good harvest.)  I, of course, celebrate life, liberty, family, friends, and steadily increasing sales of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  (Do I have my priorities straight, or what?)  We can all thank (no pun intended) FDR for making the day official.  At his urging, Congress agreed to the 4th Thursday in November.  FDR was an interesting fellow.  Did you know that he was the first president to play Texas Hold ‘Em Poker?  Sure, don’t you remember the NEW DEAL?

He also started the tradition of “pardoning” a turkey.  (To make sure the herd continued.)  This year our president intends to pardon Susan Rice!  (Hey, come on, that was funny!)

Thanksgiving at our house in very, well, international.  How so?  We have a TURKEY, sitting in GREECE, and there are people with ROMAN hands and RUSSIAN fingers waiting for the bird to arrive.  Last year my wife burnt the stuffing, which stuck to the bird.  I had to kick the stuffing out of that fowl weather friend, but we did have a tasty meal.  By the way, speaking of reasons to celebrate…..  TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY!    On this day, in 1955, ELVIS signed his contract with RCA, which included all of the famous sound tracks from Sun Studios in Memphis.  I’m not sure if Elvis sold many records (ha ha) but I do know that the contract stipulated that the King produce eight sides per year, and that he received a 5% royalty.  (Which is half of what I get from Aberdeen Bay Publishing.)

Well, I must go do some prep work for the big meal, so I will say goodbye until we meet again.  I have sooooo much to be thankful for this year, and I know that most of you do too.  We have a bunch of loved ones coming for dinner and when they all get here, I intend to remind everyone that our Founding Father (George Washington) put it best when he said that our young country should use the day “as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favours of Almighty God.”

Well said, General!  Be grateful!  Be thankful!  Be well!

Happy Thanksgiving and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff (The Prince of Puritans!)