Graceland

March 24, 2013

BACK IN THE SADDLE!

HI BUCKEROOS, IT’S SCAMP YANOFF TIME AGAIN… TIME TO SLIDE ONE BY YOU ONCE MORE…

First the BIG NEWS…..  My second “Adam Gold Mystery Novel,” titled MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, is ready for publication and will be available in the very near future!  We completed the final book cover design yesterday, and as you will see, the good folks at Aberdeen Bay Press did a fantastic job.  In my humble opinion, the cover is simply awesome.  (Except for my mug on the back!)  I will, of course, let you know when it is available for purchase on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, etc.

A lot has happened in our world since last Sunday, so why don’t we take a moment and play “catch-up?”  (I didn’t have a chance to post a blog last week.)  Well, as they say, “where there’s smoke there’s….. a new Pope!”  I wonder if that’s where the term “Holy Smoke” comes from?  Congratulations to Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio, an Argentine, who will now be known as Pope Francis.  The Argentines were understandably emotional, so His Holiness told them…..  “Don’t cry for me, Argentina!”  (You can’t make this stuff up!)  I feel bad that the Pope can’t marry.  I have been in a monotonous relationship for 35 years, and I am quite numb, I mean, happy.  Of course, there are many bonds that keep us together.  (Savings bonds, Government bonds, Municipal bonds, etc.)

Looks like Carnival Cruise Lines had another smelly week.  I pity the poor folks that were recently on the “Carnival Dream,” which should be re-named the “Carnival Nightmare.”   As you might know, the ship lost power temporarily and the halls filled up with….. well, human waste.  (No, not the incompetent crew.)  Carnival Cruises now has a new slogan…  “Howdy Doody!”   (Peyew, that joke stinks!)

What do you folks think about all of those pigs that a Chinese farmer admitted dumping into the Huangpu River?  (6,000 porkers!)  The pigs were pulled out of the water, cooked and shredded, and served to tourists from Arkansas!  (Those razorbacks just love “pulled pork.”)  At first I thought the story was “hog wash,” but now I’m not so sure.  If I close my beautiful brown eyes, I can almost see Sum Yung Guy (the farmer) standing on the bank of a levee.  (Why would they open a bank on a levee?)  Anyway, I can see him humming Stephen Foster’s famous song, “Way down upon the Swine-ee Riber… ”

Incidentally, did you know that Stephen Foster, “The Father of American Music,” was raised by a “foster family?”  Duh.  To be perfectly honest, the man was a genius.  (Even though, sadly, he died a pauper at the age of 37.)  During his short lifetime, he wrote…  “Oh! Susanna,” “Camptown Races,” “Old Folks at Home,” “Jeanie With The Light Brown Hair,” and my personal favorite, “Beautiful Dreamer.”  (My theme song, incidentally!)

Since I completely missed St. Patrick’s Day, I would like to offer a belated greeting to all of my Irish friends.  (Including a gal named Patricia Eileen McCloskey!)  I’ve always admired St. Patrick, even though he drove the snakes out of Ireland.  (Hey, family comes first to “The Cobra!”)  I’ve always wondered how he drove the snakes off of an island.  How big was his car?  I wonder if he drove a Dodge Viper?  Well, as they say in County Cork…..  “Here’s to a long life and a merry one.  A quick death and an easy one.  A pretty girl and an honest one.  A cold pint – and another one!”   Erin adjust your bragh!

Finally, I would like to mention that my friend, Larry Brill, a semi-famous television personality in Austin, has a new book coming out in early April.  The book is titled, “Live@Five,” and it is a very good read, so look for it on Amazon.com in the weeks ahead.  (Larry was the producer of “Writing Across Texas,” the show that I co-hosted for a few years.)

Remember, dear ones, you are never too old to learn something stupid.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit….. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. This masterly prose is dedicated to a masterpiece of a person, my sweet sister-in-law, Kathy Johnston.

 

 

March 13, 2013

BEWARE THE TIDES OF MARCH!

FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY JULIE CAESAR WAS SO CONCERNED ABOUT TIDAL FLUCTUATIONS…..   But perhaps the emperor was not an “out-going” fellow after all!  In any case, “Idus Marti,” (Latin) corresponds with March 15th (two days from now) so you should be aware of “March Madness” in all of its many forms.  Personally, I think April 15th is a much scarier day, that being “Tax Day” in the good old U.S. of A.    I imagine it would be even more scary if I actually had a job.

Speaking of March Madness, did you know the “Ides” were determined by the full moon, and were usually the 13th day of the month?  (Hence the number “13” being unlucky.)

In Bill Shakespeare’s play, “Julius Caesar,” the emperor is warned about the ides of March by a soothsayer.  Sooth you say?  Yes, and the sooth told the truth, but that was uncouth.  The emperor did not believe him, but he finally “got the point.”  As he fell in the Roman forum (or maybe he fell against ‘um) Caesar said,  “Et tu, Brute?”    Brutus replied, “I’ve never killed an emperor, so I thought I’d take a “stab at it.”    (I don’t make these things up, folks.)  In any case, poor Caesar “got the shaft,” so to speak.  Mark Anthony, who was married to Jennifer Lopez but dating Cleopatra, spoke at the funeral and gave a pretty good speech.  (I think he and Jen sang a duet, but don’t quote me on that.)

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel too sorry for Julius Caesar.  Granted, he turned red when he was stabbed.  (Some folks think he became an “Orange Julius.”)  However, on the flip side of that coin, how many of us have a popular salad named in our honor?  You see, friends, always look for the silver lining.  (Just pray it’s not a sword!)

Incidentally, did I mention that I was named after Julius Caesar?  True fact.  He was born and named on July 13, 100 B.C.  (And I was born and named “after” that.)  For those of you who went to public school in Chicago, B.C. stands for “Before Christ.”  (I think A.D. means “after dat.”)

And since we are on the subject of Rome…..  Please, do not join the write-in campaign to have me elected Pope!  I would love to live in Italy, and drown my sorrows in Chianti, but I must finish the 4th “Adam Gold Mystery Novel.”  (RANSOM ON THE RHONE.)    To paraphrase General William Tecumseh Sherman…..   “I will not accept if nominated, will not serve if elected, and if served, I will not eat my pasta!”  I trust this puts an end to the rampant speculation about yours truly becoming the next Pope.  In all likelihood, the next Pope will be Catholic, which is probably very important to the Cardinals.  Don’t worry about me.  I have a lot of yard-work to do.

Thank you friends, Romans, and countrymen for lending me your ears.  (Actually, it was your eyes, but who’s keeping track?)  I leave you with a sincere blessing to enjoy your week.  (Hey,  I like this blessing stuff.  Maybe I should reconsider my position about becoming the next Pope.)  Go forth and multiply, or if you don’t enjoy math, read a good book.  (I’d start with THE PRESLEY PLOT!)  I wish you well and would remind you of one salient fact…..  Please remember that the difference between a rut and a grave is the length and depth!

Viaggio in pace, my fellow pilgrims…..    Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

March 8, 2013

THE COBRA IS KING!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE…..  I THOUGHT ELVIS WAS THE KING??

Well, as it turns out, Elvis was the king of rock ‘n’ roll, but THE MIGHTY COBRA is now the king of poker!  Ladies and gentlemen, modesty prevents me from talking about myself, so I’ve decided to write a 10-page blog about my recent accomplishment.  Wait!  Don’t leave!  I was just kidding!  (I think I can adequately describe my victory in 5 or 6 full length pages.)  Then again, the goal is not to put my blog followers to sleep, so perhaps I shall present the abbreviated version of my glorious victory…..

Last night, poker history was made (up) when yours truly, playing professional poker as the dreaded COBRA, slithered back upon his throne, capturing FIRST PLACE at the Main Event of the W.S.O.P.  (Waterloo Series Of Poker)  The venue, located just south of Las Vegas, was filled with the world’s best poker players, representing every crook and cranny, I mean nook and cranny, in this great card playing country of ours.  Why there were people from all 51 states, 12 European nations, two third-world countries, and Arkansas!  Yes sir, that joint was jumpin’!

For those of you that care (mainly my relatives) the going was tough, but as you know, when the going gets tough, the tough get lucky.  I can tell you one thing, they do not make men like me any more.  (Thank God.)  I managed to survive the first round by getting an ace-high flush on the flop.  (Unfortunately for Miss Kathleen, a/k/a “Mean Kathleen The Poker Machine,” she also had a flush, but a lower one.)  I was catapulted onto the final table (actually, I tripped) by winning a huge pot from one of the great poker stars of Texas…..  Ms. Sharon “Bad Barth” Barth.  Sharon had a good hand, but I “rivered” a full house…..  kings over tens!

The final table, now covered in cold, hard cash, spilled beer, and dabs of ketchup, was a real doozy.  As some of you know, they bring the cash out in a wheelbarrow, surrounded by scantily clad, voluptuous young ladies.  (All of them virgins.)  Well, maybe not all of them.  Anyway, when the smoke cleared (the dealer was also dealing marijuana) there were three of us left standing.  All right, we were sitting, but you get the point.  Surrounded by lights, cameras, and action (I told you they weren’t all virgins) the Cobra dispatched a young gun named “Billy The Kidder.”  (I made a straight on the river!)  That pot, believe it or not, contained about $400,000 in chips!  The young lad kept calling my bets, but the old snake taught him a good lesson about respecting one’s elders.  The final hand of the night, saw the mighty Cobra win another huge pot ($600,000 in chips!) when he was blessed with TWO KINGS in the hole, and triumphed over his opponent’s straight draw.

Sooooooo……  as you can see, our little tale is truly about TWO KINGS…… Elvis and me, and those lovely cards!  Now that I am filthy rich (some say just filthy) I intend to slow down and enjoy life.  Sadly, I realized that I was already retired and completely slowed down, so I have to come up with another game plan.  If you have any ideas about jobs or work, please keep them to yourself.  (The doctor said no stress.)  I shall, as they say, muddle through on my own.  Speaking of muddling….. did you know that on this very day, in 1956, Elvis Presley (The subject of that famous mystery novel, THE PRESLEY PLOT) received his second speeding ticket in Memphis, Tennessee?

I am debating whether to conclude this blog.  To be honest, I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not so sure…..

Before I leave, I wish to thank the eminent Dr. Max Talbott for his thoughtful gift… a renewal subscription of my favorite magazine, GARDEN  & GUN!  If you folks want to read a truly marvelous magazine, then this one is for you.  Every article is well written and extremely informative.  Thanks, buddy!

In leaving, I would suggest that you take my advice about filling out medical forms.  When you are wasting away in the doctor’s office, filling out an application for the tenth time, and you come to the place where it says, “Who should we notify in case of an emergency?” ……….  write in “THE DOCTOR!”    (If nothing else, you will receive a free sample of Prozac.)

Enjoy your weekend….   love to all….

Doc Yanoff

March 3, 2013

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

Hey, that sounds like the title of a new mystery novel.  As a matter fact, it is the title of a new mystery novel!  That’s right, folks, book number two in the “Adam Gold Mystery Series” will soon be available to the general public.  Due to popular demand (my mother) the publisher is moving forward with a mid-March release date!  Naturally I will contact you via our blog when the book is available on Amazon.com, but you shouldn’t have long to wait, as we made great progress this week on the cover design.

Fortunately, I was lucky enough to find a wonderful business model.  (Her name is Helga.  I think she’s from one of the Scandinavian countries….. she keeps saying “Nor-way” when I ask for a massage.)  Not to brag, but back in the day, she was a centerfold in Popular Mechanics Magazine.

THE PRESLEY PLOT (book number one in the series) continues to garner rave reviews and sales have been quite good.  If you log onto “Amazon Book Clubs” you will see that the book is one of the best-selling new mysteries of the year!  While you are there, check out the reviews!

AND NOW FOR SOME OTHER NEWS…..   When I’m not writing mystery novels, I like to play poker, but as of late there is a new poker champion in our family.  Once again, the mighty Cobra (my poker name) was defeated by this up-and-coming poker star….. The Corpus Christi Crusher!  (a/k/a Patty Yanoff)    Last Thursday the Crusher won first place in another tournament!  (In so doing, she has now pushed us into a higher tax category….  fortunately, I have stopped paying all taxes.)

Incidentally, both Patty and my sweet mother, Hazel Yanoff, celebrated birthdays this past week.  Both ladies turned 39 (I only repeat what I’m told) and both celebrated with elaborate dinners and lots of gifts.  If I had been in Boca Raton, I would have taken my mom to her favorite restaurant, The Golden Arches.  (a/k/a McDonald’s)

If she keeps eating hamburgers and french fries she’s going to get stuck between the arch!  Nevertheless, Mom is actually 87 years old, so she’s entitled to do whatever the hell she wants to do!

As some of you know, I recently received word that our blog is now in the top 10% of all new blogs for 2012!  According to the folks who keep track of such matters, our blog is now in 43 different countries (not counting Arkansas) and we have approximately 3,700 followers!  Wow, what can I say except Thank You!  None of these accomplishments would have been possible without your loyal support and continued interest.  (I intend to take each and every one of you to Hollywood with me!)

In closing, I would like to run something by you…… another one of my deep thoughts…..    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests???   Don’t groin, I mean groan, just think about it.  Send your replies (with some money) to P.O. Box 1600, Washington, D.C.  (They need the loot more than I do!)

Have a wonderful and safe week…..  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

February 17, 2013

OUR SHIP FINALLY CAME IN!

WELL, NOT OUR SHIP, THE GRAND PRINCESS, BUT THE…..  CARNIVAL TRIUMPH, which is still illmobile.  (Actually, it’s “In Mobile.”)  Mobile, Alabama, that is.  I feel sorry for those passengers.  At first they had a sinking feeling, and then they had a stinking feeling.  Fortunately, nobody was seriously injured.  (Not counting wounded pride.)  As many of you know, we were down in Cozumel, Mexico, anchored along side of the Triumph.  (Happily, we were NOT down wind.)  Being a writer (of sorts) I quickly wrote a screenplay about the incident, but now I need a title.  (This is where you guys come in.)  Kindly review the below titles and let me know which one you prefer:

A.  “Shitty Shitty Bang Bang.”

B.  “Sh_t   Floats.”

C.  “Ship of Stools.”     (My apologies to Katherine Anne Porter.)

By the way, did you folks know that Katherine Anne Porter was a native Texan?  Yep, she was born in Indian Creek, Texas.  (Spent many years in Kyle, Texas!)  Now here’s the interesting part…..  Did you know that she married a man named….. Pressley??   (As the distinguished author of THE PRESLEY PLOT I make it my business to know this meaningless stuff!)  Ms. Porter married a dude named Eugene Pressley in 1930.  (No connection to our beloved rock ‘n’ roll singer.)  Her first (and only) novel was “Ship of Fools,” which was published in 1962.  The book helped her win the Pulitzer Prize, but to be perfectly honest, it’s not half as good as THE PRESLEY PLOT or MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.   (Still, it’s ironic that a “Porter” would write about ships, eh?)

AND NOW FOR SOME INTERESTING (NON-LITERARY) NEWS……….    I went to a surprise party yesterday.  (Frankly, I’m always surprised when I’m invited to a party.)  Judge Susan Marquess celebrated her 39th birthday in grand style, complete with homemade margaritas, delicious Mexican food, cold beer, homemade margaritas, birthday cake, and homemade margaritas.  From what I remember, I had a great time, and so did everyone else.  The party was hosted by Her Honor’s wonderful children…..  Kellie, Aimee, Ryan, Greg, and Tyler.  After dinner, we all participated in the first annual South Austin Punchbowl Poker Tournament.

INCREDIBLY……  despite the presence of The Cobra (Me) and the Legal Eagle (Susan) the tournament was won by a relatively new player….. a young man with a very bright future in the murky world of high-stakes poker….. Mr. Jackson “The Whip” Whitaker.   The nom de guerre came about for two reasons.  Mr. Jackson severely “beat us,” and the lad is “smart as a whip.”  Thank God he’s not old enough to go into a casino!

Congratulations to the lovely and talented Mr. and Mrs. Lee Bomblatus (of Round Rock, Texas) who recently discovered that their wonderful daughter, Rita Hennecke-York, is pregnant with a….. baby girl!  (I humbly suggest the name of “Stephanie.”)  Rita and Michael are on “Cloud Nine,” and we all wish them the very best.  They will make wonderful parents!

Dr. Laura Talbott is in town this weekend!  As many of you know, the beautiful and extremely talented violinist is a professor of music at Oklahoma State University in Stillwater.  When she comes to visit, there are “no strings attached,” and she always hits the “right notes.”  Dr. Talbott will be “fiddling” around with her family today, and we wish her a safe and pleasant visit.

SINCE A FEW OF YOU HAVE ASKED…..   THE PRESLEY PLOT continues to inch toward the best-seller list, and believe it or not, I now have 12 blog followers in Afghanistan!  (Including a brilliant new friend, Steven W. Barnes, who I met during our last cruise.)  Be safe, Steven, and send back some of my money!  (The guy is a dang good poker player!)   MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE (Book Two) is at the publisher and should be available sometime in March.  DEVIL’S COVE, Book Three, has just finished the editing process and should be ready for submission by the end of the month.  I will send a post when the books are ready to be ordered.

As I type this blog post, I keep wondering if illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup.  (Is that odd?)  Finally, since we have mentioned babies today, I would like to leave you with a rhetorical question to ponder…..  If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Just asking.

Have a wonderful week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

February 13, 2013

YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE HEART!

ALL YOU REALLY NEED IS HEART!  WHEN THE ODDS ARE SAYIN’ YOU’LL NEVER WIN, THAT’S WHEN THE GRIN SHOULD START!  (YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE HEART!)

As most of you know, these are the lyrics to “You gotta have Heart,” a wonderful tune from the Broadway show, DAMN YANKEES.  (I myself have often been called this name!)  Nonetheless, the song was written by Richard Adler, who I had the pleasure of meeting when I was a fledging playwright in New York City.  (After a few tough years, I became a “fleeting” playwright!)  The great Mr. Adler (who passed away in 2012) also composed tunes for The Pajama Game.  So…. I think the above melody is rather appropriate for tomorrow’s holiday, and on “that note” I shall now wish all of my blog followers an early (but sincere) HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

I know I’m a little quick on the draw (so was Rembrandt) but I will be VERY busy tomorrow and probably too exhausted to write a clever blog.  As you can imagine, a man in my position (usually horizontal) receives thousands of cards and letters from female women of the opposite sex on Valentine’s Day.  (All right, maybe not thousands.)  However, due to my undeniable charm and modesty, the ladies are quite fond of me and insist on sending me chocolates and flowers.  (Occasionally, chocolate flowers, too.)  No doubt I will be on the phone (speaking to old flames) most of the day, so I will take this opportunity to share some thoughts with thee……

Did you know that more than 1 billion Valentine’s Day greeting cards are sent out each year?  (Most are sent to some mystery writer in Austin.)  Hey, I’m a real card.

Women purchase 85 percent of all Valentine’s Day cards.  (Oddly enough, 85% of the ones I receive are also from women.)   Don’t ask about the others.  None of your business.

Valentine’s Day is named in honor of St. Valentine, a Roman martyr.  (Anyone who dates a lot is definitely a martyr in my book!)  The old boy died in prison, but before he left earth, he left the jailer’s daughter a sweet note….. which he signed, “From Your Valentine.”  (True story)   Thus began a wonderful tradition, and a way for the Hallmark Card Company to make a very tidy profit.  Had St. Valentine been Jewish (well, it’s possible) there would be no holiday.  Jewish people cannot be kept in jail.  (They eat “locks!”)  Oy vay, what an old joke!

Finally, just in case you ever get on the show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”……….  here is some final worthless trivia………. Cupid (the dude with the bow and arrow) is often associated with Valentine’s Day because he was the son of Venus.  (The Roman goddess of love and beauty.)  Hence, the modern expression that “men are from Mars, women are from Venus.”    I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I do not like the fact that we are named after a candy bar.  (Ever if we are sweet and gooey from time to time!)

Actually, there was another “Mars.”  (The Roman god of war.)  His festival was held in March, which as you can see, was sort of named after him.  Since Valentine’s Day is celebrated in February (except in Arkansas, which only recognizes ten of the months) we see that once again, women have dominated the calendar and always come first.  Ah well, such is life.  (Just for the record, but do NOT share this with any chick, January in named after Janus (a guy god) in Roman mythology.  So we are numero uno again!

I just realized that we are discussing “misters” and “myths.”    (How funny.)

Well, students, that’s about enough of this stuff for one day.  I do hope that each and every one of you finds love tomorrow.  (or the day after.)  I would advise all of my faithful blog followers to remember the lyrics of another great song……….   “If you can’t be with the one you love, and there are no witnesses or security cameras, love the one you’re with.”  ***

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!     Love to all,  Doc Yanoff

 

*** “Love The One You’re With”    (Music by Stephen Stills.  Lyrics by Bill Clinton.)

February 10, 2013

IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!

PLEASE NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS A GREAT DEAL OF EMBELLISHMENT AND EXAGGERATION.  (Both of which fall under the purview of “Literary License.”)

WELL, IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT….. (Make that a hot and sunny day) whence our little ocean-going vessel limped along the Mosquito Coast of Central America, bound for the silver mines (tourist shops) of Cozumel, Mexico.  Our intrepid captain, Lorenzo Ronzoni, (formerly of Costa Cruise Line) gave the order to drop anchor (sadly without checking that we were already tied to the pier) and then we went ashore, searching for the Lost City of Gold!

We arrived in Mexico after our “Bungle in the Jungle,” which saw one of our shipmates attacked and bitten by a hostile simian, not to be confused with an angry Syrian.  The little monkey bit our compadre on the arm, and being a kind and gentle bunch of global-warming, rain-forest saving, nerds, we blew his head off.  (Not our compadre’s head, the monkey’s head!)  Just kidding.  We are American citizens.  We know what to do in these situations.  (We immediately filed a ten million dollar lawsuit!)

After trekking through the jungles of Honduras, we snuck across the border and found ourselves in Belize.  Unfortunately, the authorities also found us.  Who knew you needed a passport to enter a foreign country?  Anyway, we made our way to Belize City, and then realized that we had missed our dive and snorkel boat to the infamous “Blue Hole.”  (Who knew they actually had a schedule?)  I blamed my travel companions, and of course, they blamed me, so we returned to our “mother ship,” and consoled ourselves with a bucket of cold beer and more rum.

At this juncture, I might add that one of my companions was Judge Susan Marquess, of Austin, Texas.  Her honor happens to be celebrating her 39th birthday today, so on behalf of our expeditionary group, I would like to wish her a very happy birthday.  (Thank goodness we had a lawyer and judge in our party.  We were able to post some very reasonable bonds throughout our voyage.)

Some bonds are broken, and so are some bones!  I am happy to report that Barbara Talbott, the reigning poker champion of Honduras, only suffered a broken middle toe during her recent encounter with a Mayan pyramid.  Funny how fast some folks can run when they think they are being chased by a jaguar.  (Or a Mercedes.)  The “Princess of Poker”  (Her Mayan name) will be wearing a customized toe cast for six weeks, but after that, she will only have a slight limp for the rest of her natural life.  (A small price to pay for such a wonderful jungle adventure!)

Incidentally, Dr. Max Talbott has fully recovered from a nasty bout of Somnus Maximus.  (Sleeping Disease.)  Apparently, the dreaded illness was NOT a result of an insect bite…. but the result of a prodigious consumption of Ten Cane Rum.  Whew!  For a while we thought he was a goner.  Now that he has fully recovered (we think) I can tell you that we had already made final plans for the poor lad.  (I contacted the very best taxidermist in Belize.)  The idea was to stuff Max and put him on permanent display at the Blanton Museum in Austin.  (Max loves being around art.)

You might be interested to know, that just like last year, I had an evening visit from one of the local terrorist groups in Mexico.  Once again, I was forced to entertain a small band of masked baditos (or banditti, if you prefer) and as always, I was able to convince the poor outlaws that I had no denero.  (Turns out they wanted  Robert DeNiro, not money.)  They were the first autograph hunter/banditos in the region.  Odd group of outlaws, if you ask me.  (One of them wore glasses and had his/her nose sticking out of the sheet slot which was slit in the sheet sort of south of the smiling section of the silky satin sleeping sack.)  TRY SAYING THAT TEN TIMES IN A ROW!

For those of you who do not like tongue twisters, here are some facts about our recent voyage……   We traveled a total distance of 2,417 miles.  (Mostly upon the water.)  Our average ship speed was 18 knots.  Our average walking speed was .005 miles per hour.  Average nap time…..  64.8 minutes.  Average consumption of alcohol and drugs (Codeine)….. undetermined.

Finally, I would like to thank all of the people who purchased a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT during the past two weeks.  Your generosity has now made the book an INTERNATIONAL BEST SELLER.  I can tell you that I actually saw my book in the ship’s library, and that many folks in Central America are now reading THE PRESLEY PLOT and are anxiously awaiting the release of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  (This includes many of the local citizens of Honduras, Belize, and Mexico, and a large number of jungle guerillas (NOT gorillas!) drug cartel members, federales, I.R.S. fugitives, and deposed dictators.  (One cannot be too choosey about one’s readership.)

It will take a while to get this fantastic voyage out of my system (even with the antibiotics) so I will write again soon, whence I am fully recovered from my bout with pokus defeatus.  (Poker losses.)  Until then, it is wonderful to be home, back in the good old U.S.A.   I missed clean water, indoor toilets, and well-behaved monkeys. (Our elected officials.)  Take care, and they say in down south (far down south)….

Vaya con dios, no horda la Kaopectate!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff    (Senor Jugador Malo)

P.S.  A word to the wise……  NEVER play Texas Hold ‘Em (or MONOPOLY) with the Corpus Christi Crusher.  Yeah, she’s that good!

January 28, 2013

THE COBRA STRIKES! (AND OTHER JUNGLE TALES)

MY FELLOW AMERICANS…..  (AND WORLD-WIDE FOLLOWERS)

Monday morning blues?     Down to your shoes?     You should go on a cruise.     Drink some booze.     Play some poker.     Try not to lose.     (In fact, this is precisely what I intend to do this coming Saturday!)  AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF POKER……

Those of you who read Sports Illustrated, The New York Times, or belong to Gambler’s Anonymous, know that yesterday was the CENTRAL TEXAS WATERLOO POKER INVITATIONAL CELEBRITY PRO/AM POKER TOURNAMENT & BEER GUZZLING FESTIVAL.   My friends, this was quite a tournament.  Many of the world’s (all right, Austin’s) best poker players showed up, loaded for bear, as my grand-pappy used to say.  As I have previously stated, this was by “invitation only,” which means that you had to qualify for the tournament by having a certain number of points in your over-all rating.

I am VERY proud to tell you that after reviewing the player’s board, I spotted the names of EVERY graduate of the C.P.A.   (Cobra Poker Academy.)    That’s right, dear ones, the names were up in lights, posted for all the world to see…..   Barbara Talbott  (The Dragon Slayer)….. Max Talbott  (The Maxi-nator)…..  Susan Marquess  (The Legal Eagle)….. and Patricia Yanoff…..  (The Corpus Christi Crusher)   My goodness, the place was filled with poker greats!   (Incredibly, even two famous local pros showed up…..  Sharon (Sharp-shooter) Francia and Sharon Barth, also known in Las Vegas as “Bad Barth.”   As usual, the Sharons played outstanding poker.   Unfortunately, only two academy players could make the actual tournament, and one of them, (an attractive woman) got knocked out early……   By going “all in” with a full house and losing to….. FOUR FOURS!    (OH, THE PAIN OF IT ALL!)

HOWEVER……   (Now we come to my favorite part of the blog)    Yours truly, The Mighty Cobra, had his fangs on full display throughout the tournament of champions…. and as you have probably guessed by now…..I slithered my way into the FINAL TABLE, which was covered, covered I say, in cash and potato chips!  Well, as fate would have it, I played brilliantly, cheated seldom, and managed to outlast a tremendous group of talented players…. making it to the FINAL TWO PLAYERS GOING HEAD TO HEAD!!

(Just for the record, our heads were not touching.)   Head to head is a poker phrase.  We were actually sitting across from each other.

Anyway, we played mano a mano for several hours!  (Actually, twenty minutes, but the hours thing sounds better)   In truth, it was not mana a mano, but mano a womano.  (I was battling the enchanting Miss Elsa for the title.)   Well, amazingly, we finally got too tired to see the cards, so we decided to split the pot evenly.  (We both walked away with a HUGE amount of money and stale potato chips.)   However, since points is points, I must, for the sake of accuracy tell you that we played one final hand to see who would get what points.   (Here is where the story becomes a Greek Tragedy)   I’ve got a king and a nine of spades, and Miss Elsa has a jack and a ten.  So what happens?  Not one, but two damn jacks show up!   Needless to say, I was singing “Hit The Road Jack,” but to no avail.  However, my SECOND PLACE finish was to be celebrated, as this was the largest turnout of the poker season and attracted well over 100 top players.

In case you are feeling sorry for me, I should tell you that I consoled myself with an elaborate Indian feast at Tarka after the tournament.  The food was, as always, fantastic!  If you haven’t been to the West Anderson location, you don’t know what you’re missing.  All I can say is Yum-Yum.  If you go, mention my poker name, The Cobra, and you will get free napkins.

Well, my dear blog followers, I hope I have provided a pleasant start for your week.  Be happy that you are not up in New York.  My brother told me it was ten degrees below zero last week!

How cold did it get, you ask?  My brother saw a chicken crossing the street with a capon!    (cape on?)

Love to all……

 

Doc Yanoff

January 27, 2013

BINGLE….. BANGLE….. BUNGLE…..

I REALLY LOVE THE JUNGLE!  Believe it or not, these were the opening lyrics to a popular song of the 1930’s.  (The second verse was….”Bongo Bongo  Bongo, I don’t want to leave the Congo!)  If  you ask me, these verses were sinfully bad.  One might say “vice verses.”  It would certainly be difficult to get much verse.  By the way, I know a lot about versailles because I went to musical school in upstate New York.  (Sing Sing)  While I was there I wrote a soap opera.  Would you like me to hum a few “bars”   All right, enough Sunday morning puns…. let’s move on, as we have a lot of ground to cover.  (Fear not, I am a gardener and I’m familiar with ground cover.)

Item One:   Hocus pocus, try to focus….  I really am heading for the jungle.  After I finish this blog, I will be packing my knapsack with mosquito repellent and Kaopectate!  Why for?  Because I am heading to the jungles of Belize and Honduras in search of a lost Aztec civilization of cannabis and head-hunters.  I do not expect to be successful.  (Mainly because the Aztec Indians lived in South America.)   Nevertheless, I will be exploring some remote regions with my intrepid band of A.P.E.S.    (Austin Poker Enthusiasts & Sailors)  Assuming that I am not eaten by a horde of Piranhas, I shall keep you informed of my whereabouts.  Those piranha fish are very smart.  I hear they’re always in schools.  (And they hate to play “hooky.”)  Sound dangerous.  On a “scale” of one to ten, this will be a ten.  If it was a five, it would be a “fin.”   (Something fishy about this routine!)

Item two:   The book signing that was scheduled for Tegucigalpa has been cancelled due to the fact that our local host (a pleasant drug cartel gentleman) will be incarcerated for the next twenty to thirty years.  I’ll let you know if he gets an early release or escapes.

Item three:  MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE (my second mystery novel) has just completed the first round of literary scrutiny (i.e., editing) and has been returned to the publisher for a second check.  Hopefully, we will still be on track for a publication date of March 1st.   (I know your lives are on hold until then.)

Item four:  I did not receive an invitation to the Inaugural Ball, so I called the White House to find out why.  The receptionist told me not to hold my breath.  That made me blue.  (Whenever I feel blue, I breathe.  Always helps.)  Anyway, I missed the big party.  Truthfully, I thought the First Lady looked very pretty, but I did not like her new hairdo.  (To me it was sort of a “hair-don’t.”)  However, she did get some “bangs for her buck.”  Cute cut, but she looked like one of the Supremes.  (No, not the judges!)

Item five:   I only have one thing to say about the debt ceiling problem…..   “Money is the roof of all evil.”

Item six:  I had a delightful book signing/speaking engagement in the town of Gonzales, which is about an hour south of Austin.  If you ever drive down there, check out the Memorial Museum and then head to the historic downtown center.  If you enjoy Mexican food (who doesn’t?) grab some lunch at the Matamoros Taco Hut.  After eating there you will not need to stop for gas, so I would walk around town and take in the sights.  (Gonzales, for you history buffs, is where they had the famous cannon with the banner “Come and take it!”   Those Texians were a tough group of boys.  (Big shots, too.)  The cannon still works, so don’t stick your head into the barrel.  (Takes forever to get loose.)

Item six:   Congratulations to my dear friend Leigh Ann Woodward, who finished 5th in a MAJOR poker tournament up in Choctaw, Oklahoma.  The woman is charming, lovely, and a fierce competitor.  Well done, madam!  We (your poker buddies in Austin) are very proud of your accomplishment.  (Send me some money.)

Item seven:  A big American patriotic THANK YOU to Matt Houser, who is soon to be deployed in the service of our country.  Matt is the husband of Sarah (Williams) Houser, who was one of my very best students at St. Edward’s University.  Sarah and Matt are the type of young folks that  make this country great, and I am proud to have them as friends.  Best of luck, Matt!  (We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.)

Item eight:   Another round of thanks to my dearest travel mate Barbara Talbott.   (Barbara, as you might know, was “Miss Indiana” during her younger days in Munchie, I mean, Muncie.)  She recently bestowed upon thee a very appropriate gift….  a shirt that read….  “Stay Clam And Proofread.”    Sad, but true.  (I wear it almost every day!)

Item nine:  In case you’re keeping track, I have been doing very well at poker.  Playing under the nom de plume of “The Cobra,” I finished 5th and 6th in the last two poker tournaments here in lovely Austin.  Today, Sunday, I will be playing in the Central Texas Poker Invitational Championship Tournament.  (Try fitting all that on a shirt!)  The tourney starts at 3 o’clock and should be a lot of fun.  (Especially if they let me deal.)

Item ten:   This one is going to hurt…..  Guess who is ranked number TWO in the overall poker standings???    No, not me.  I’m not even in the top ten!  However, The Corpus Christi Crusher (a/k/a  Patty Yanoff) is ranked number two and very close to taking over the top spot!  I tell you folks, life ain’t fair.  All of the poker academy graduates……   Max, Barbara, Susan, Jeff, Jorene, Sharon, etc……  Well, they are all playing better than the snake!  What’s up with that?

Well, dear friends and followers, I must bid you adieu.  I see a stack of pancakes with my name on it, so duty calls!  Have a wonderful week and try to laugh a little.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 20, 2013

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!  REMEMBER THE MAINE!  REMEMBER YOUR P.I.N. NUMBER!    BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY…..  REMEMBER THAT BOOK TITLE!!

Why, you might ask, should you remember a book title?  Because…. this is the title (without the exclamation point) of my new “Adam Gold Mystery,” soon to be published by the good folks at Aberdeen Bay Publishing back east.  Yes, that’s right!  Book number two is on the way!  Even as we speak, bookstores around the nation are clearing out their shelves to make room for my latest venture into the dark, underbelly of criminal enterprise!  (NO, I haven’t written a book about Washington, D.C.)  I am referring to the violent, bullet-strewn world of high risk insurance.  (Dang, I’m starting to scare myself!)   So where are we in this publishing process of ours?

Well, for the past week, I have been PROOFWEEDING my manuscript.  (Just joking, folks.)  However, this time, I intend to do my job BEFORE the book gets published.  As some of you know, I was in the jungle (NO, not Newark) when THE PRESLEY PLOT galleys were sent to me, and because I was trying to avoid headhunters and cannibals, I neglected to scrutinize each and every page.  Well, this time I stayed home, locked the doors, turned off the cell phone, and fell asleep…. but, after I awoke, I went to work and “cleaned up” the manuscript.  The cover is almost finished, and it is simple marvelous.  An eye-catching masterpiece!  A work of art!  In short, I think it will knock your socks off.  (Your shoes, too.)

The publisher recently sent me my year-end blog statistics, as published by WordPress.com.    Thanks to a fantastic group of followers (YOU!) I landed in the top 10% of all newly created blogs in 2012!  Wow, that is simply mind-boggling.  In complete seriousness, I wish to thank the 4,000 people who have taken the time to sign on to my blog this past year, and the 10,000 who have viewed a post more than once.  I am overwhelmed by the response, and wish I could personally thank each and every person!  It is, again in all seriousness, rather flattering and encouraging to a relatively new author like me.  So…..  THANK YOU!

BY THE WAY….  our blog can now be seen, and has a substantial following, in over 40 countries world-wide!  The top five countries in 2012 were….  The United States, Canada, England, France, and Australia.  (All countries I love!)  Our newest subscribers came from…..  Pakistan, Algeria, and South Korea.  (Welcome aboard!)  The “universal” mix of followers is quite interesting to me, so I thought I might share some other (non-book) statistics with you…..

IF YOU COULD FIT THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE WORLD INTO A VILLAGE CONSISTING OF 100 PEOPLE (maintaining the proportions of all the people living on Earth) THAT VILLAGE WOULD CONSIST OF……

57 ASIANS…..  21 EUROPEANS…..  14 AMERICANS (North, Central & South)…..  and 8 AFRICANS.    Isn’t that interesting?  (Now you see the importance of translating THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE into Chinese!)  I just read somewhere that we are all part Asian.  Apparently, we have 24 useful ribs (12 on each side of the rib cage) plus one “spare rib!”  (Ouch, that hurt!)  No “bones” about it!

Speaking of ribs…. I ate at two great restaurants recently….. If you live in Austin (or come to visit) you must try SPIN Modern Thai Cuisine and THE BONNEVILLE.  The Thai restaurant has amazing dishes (but no bow-Thais) and The Bonneville has an incredible short rib dish, and many other amazing treats, as well as a terrific location in downtown Austin.  (And very interesting cocktails!)  I can heartily recommend both establishments, and I predict great things for both restaurants!  You vegans out there should try some real food!  Just remember what my grandpappy used to say…..  “Them thar health nuts are going to feel mighty stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”    (What can I say, the man was a genius.)

Well, next Sunday I will bring you up-to-date on my progress with MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  I will also tell you about my upcoming expedition to the jungles of Honduras and Belize!  (Believe it or not, I’m heading back into the bush!)  Stay tuned, do not touch that internet dial, and we shall meet back here next week!  Until then, I wish you safe travels and much happiness.  Class dismissed!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff