February 19, 2017

OFF TO THE RACES!

Well, almost off. I was supposed to be running in today’s 26th Annual Austin Marathon, but I overslept and missed the entire race! I am soooo annoyed. I hate to admit it, but this is the 26th time that I have overslept and missed the dang race! What the heck is wrong with me? (Not enough time to go into that!) I was hoping to participate so that I could get in shape for my upcoming appearance on “Dancing With The Stairs.” (A new show that offers you a chance to “get up in the world.”) Speaking of getting up in the world, did you know that one of my brothers was an orphan? My brother Ron was born during an elevator strike. He had nobody to bring him up. Very sad.

I would actually be a good dancer except for two things. My feet. I simply lack the muscular coordination to glide effortlessly around the dance floor. Of course, that has not stopped me from trying. My grand-daddy told me that I should enjoy dancing and dance as if nobody was watching… because in my case, they weren’t!

Since we are on the subject of “effortless movement,” allow me to address a number of inquiries about my last voyage to the sun-drenched Caribbean. A rather large number of my blog followers have asked me to write more about my travels, since they love the topic or might be planning their own adventure. Your wish is my command! Shall we start with Turks & Caicos? Lovely little islands, almost always warm and sunny. Not much to do if you don’t swim, snorkel, or scuba dive. I enjoy all three activities, and the water in this part of the world is G-R-E-A-T! They have 2 or 3 beaches that are worth a visit, and all of the beaches are open to the public. (You may have to rent a chair & umbrella on some beaches.) No food worth dreaming about, but the locals are sweet and gracious, and they do have some very good rum.

The Turks & Caicos are actually a group of about 40 islands clustered together. The Caicos are the larger islands, and the Turks the smaller ones. Population somewhere around 33,000 (depending on Hurricanes!) If you’re a water rat like me, you should seek out the island of Providenciales (known as Provo). Here you will find an incredible 14-mile-long barrier reef filled with every imaginable fish, and if you’re lucky, you might find some pirate treasure!

I love this spot for several reasons, and if you want to learn more about the area, you should read my second “Adam Gold mystery,” titled, THE PIRATE PATH. We actually handled a fascinating insurance claim in the Bahamas, so if you want to learn more, check out the book. Most of it is true. (Like my life!)

So what else is new? Well, congratulations to the gorgeous owner of the COVE BOUTIQUE on Congress Avenue. (Downtown Austin) I understand that the lovely establishment was recently named as “the best new clothing store in Austin,” and also posted its most profitable day since opening! Wow, quite impressive for a store that has only been open for one year. (I wish the owner would buy me a condo in Hawaii!) Hey, is that too much to ask of my own daughter? I think not.

By the way, several of my astute blog followers have asked about the poker tournaments on my last voyage. (They probably want to borrow some money) Well, I got lucky. Very lucky. I won the first big tournament (with a pair of deuces!) and came in 4th in the second tournament. The pay-out was fairly substantial, and covered most of my trip expenses. (If you work for the IRS, please disregard this entire blog!)

In closing, I would like to thank my friends at the Broken Spoke for a most entertaining evening. After my last beer-fest, I told myself that I was drinking too much. Then I thought about it and realized that I was being foolish. Why should I listen to a guy who gets drunk and talks to himself? (Just saying.)

Finally, I would like to send some special thoughts and prayers to Mrs. Margaret Bell, a VERY dear friend and one of the most remarkable and lovely ladies I have ever met. Get well soon, Miss Margaret. I miss my margarita buddy!

Well, time to run. I am spending this afternoon in deep contemplation, trying to figure out how those little insects manage to get inside a sealed light bulb. Very puzzling. Nevertheless, I wish you well, and hope you have a safe and pleasant week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

P.S. The winner of last week’s trivia contest (and a $200 gift card) was Gianmario Sanguineti of Milan, Italy. Well done, sir!

December 11, 2016

SWEDES SIMMER & STEW OVER SONGWRITER SNUB!

How’s that for alliteration? By the way, alliteration has nothing to do with dogs or puppies. (Just saying.) I posted this headline to remind my blog followers that, despite my best intentions, I could not resolve the ongoing dispute between the Nobel Prize Committee and Bob Dylan. (Who sent a lousy note of thanks, instead of showing up for the ceremony.) I offered to fly to Sweden and accept the loot, but they refused to show me the money. I even offered to pretend that I was a (more) famous writer, such as Dylan Thomas. Nope, that wasn’t good enough. Marshal Dylan was out, too. (Do you think James Arness drove a Dodge?) Well, you can’t say that I didn’t try.

Now you know why I prefer the Danish. (Some good pastry jokes here!) I still say that the only good thing about Sweden was Inger Stevens. (And you folks know what happened to that poor girl!) Anyway, I’m not bitter, I just sound it. Personally, I’d rather have that Beverly Hills Award I mentioned last week. (No Lutefisk at our awards dinner!) Time to move on, but don’t be surprised if I ask for a recount. (Everyone else is!)

So what else is new? Well, for one thing, my next book tour (and rum swigging adventure) has finally been announced in the trade papers. However, you don’t have to trade papers to learn my itinerary. Here it is (roughly) subject to final approval from the Dept. of Homeland Insecurity: First, the Cayman Cookout on January 12-15 (featuring the infamous chef, Anthony Mundane) is still questionable, BUT I will definitely have a presence (or some presents) on the following Caribbean islands…. Grand Turk, Puerto Rico, St. Bart’s, Antigua, Tortola, and the Dominican Republic.

All of my (somewhat) brilliant mystery novels, and my (semi) interesting nonfiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, will be available at all of the book festivals scheduled for 2017. If you find yourselves in the Caribbean (well, not IN the Caribbean, but near it) you should attend an event. These festivals are really quite interesting (great food and drink) and you will be helping the local economy. (Not to mention enriching me!) Jeez, I said not to mention that! What’s wrong with this blog editor? Anyway, it should be great fun, and another wonderful tax deduction, I mean, literary event.

Speaking of great fun, the winner of our last trivia contest was Judith Freeman of Bozeman, Montana. (Just south of Muleshoe and a little north of Bellylint) Just kidding, I know where Bozeman is, and it is quite lovely. Ms. Freeman gave the correct answer to the following question: “What was the name of Jesse James’ favorite horse?” Her answer? The outlaw had 4 favorites! (Another trick question!) Not only did she get the number right, but she also knew their names! (Katie, Skyrocket, Stonewall, and Red Fox.) Congratulations, and she will now receive a $300 gift card to Home Depot. (God, my blog followers are soooooo smart!)

And since we are on the subject of “congratulations,” allow me to congratulate Mr. Adam Zell, my hard-working, Pittsburg-Steeler-Loving, son-in law, who recently received the Diamond Club Award from Realty Austin (one of our city’s most prominent realtors) for selling over….. (drum roll, please!)….. $10,000,000 in real estate! We are very proud of Adam, and this is truly a great accomplishment. (But slightly below marrying my daughter and producing Miss Goldie!) If the boy was a Yankee fan, he’d be perfect!

Well, dear friends, I must start packing for my next appearance. I have some special events lined up in Houston this coming weekend, and a HUGE party to attend on Wednesday and Thursday. (Thursday is our annual Steiner Ranch Poker & Pilsner Party. Thanks to the generosity of Rich & Sharon Walker (two other great realtors in Austin) we will be celebrating a decade of poker decadence and downright dependency! (I’m really starting to enjoy this alliteration thing.)

We shall chat again upon thy return! (assuming I can find my way out of Houston!) Until then, be well, and God Bless… Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

*** God-willing, there might be a photo or two attached to this blog!

October 16, 2016

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN…..

Well, maybe Interstate 35 isn’t heavenly, but it does lead to Dallas, which is quite an impressive city. I spent a few days in “Big D” last week, and I must admit, it was very enjoyable. Our first stop was Highland Park, where our hosts provided a glorious evening of French food and wine. (Ooh la la, if you know what I mean!) Dinner included a brief speech about my new mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, followed by a veritable feast for the senses. (Especially the taste and smell senses!) There was plenty of pate, including my wife, Pate Yanoff, and some truly wonderful wine. (No whining, just wine.)

Day two was spent on the (lovely) campus of SMU. I guess you could say that I was a visiting professor. (after all, I was visiting!) The purpose of my visit was to view the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum. (I am doing some final research on my next history book, TURBULENT TIMES, which deals with the remarkable life of William H. Seward.) The museum is quite interesting and if you love American history, you will enjoy the various displays dealing with the Bush Administration. The Archive Library is also wonderful, so if you need to do some presidential research, this is the place to do it. (Mention my name and you will get a free bookmark.)

While we were up in Dallas, we had to do one of those “bucket-item” things that you hear about from time to time. Thus, we drove over to the State Fair of Texas and spent the afternoon munching on a wide variety of fried foods. The best items were the Corny Dogs and the Fried Tofu. (Just kidding about the tofu!) They had a lot of games on the midway, but the most popular was the old “guess my weight attraction.” (Which they will be replacing with a “cholesterol guessing game” in the very near future.) If you love fried foods, or have a death wish, then this is the fair for you!

By the way, speaking of death wishes, if you missed my last radio interview, you can hear the entire show on the new “Book Club Radio Program Podcast.” (Hosted by John Austin.) Just “Google” the name and a schedule will pop onto your screen. The show is featuring two of my interviews this month, THE SECOND MOURNING interview and the interview on A RUN FOR THE MONEY. I think you will enjoy them both, and they’re both free!

And since we are on the subject of “free stuff,” congratulations to Mr. Robert Loeb of East Meadow, New York, the winner of our last trivia contest. Mr. Loeb won a $300 gift card, courtesy of my generous publisher, Murder Ink Press. There will be many more contests and gifts in the weeks ahead, so stay tuned for my future blog posts!

Incidentally, this week’s trivia contest is NOT about me or my books. (Thank God!) A new iPhone (No, not a Samsung Galaxy!) will be given to the first person who can tell me how many Presidential Libraries there are in America. If you can tell me which President has two libraries, you will win a gift card, too! Good luck, and may the fastest typist win!

Finally, since we live in a day and age of enormous political strife, I would like to remind you of a pleasantry uttered by President Reagan, who referred to Presidential Libraries as “classrooms of Democracy.” If you want to remind yourself just how great America truly is, then visit one of these fascinating museums. You will come away reinvigorated and rejuvenated! (And the admission will be less than a massage!)

Have a safe and smile-filled week! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

October 2, 2016

WINNERS NEVER QUIP!

Thus, instead of running for President (and surely winning) I have decided to return to my passion of writing lame jokes. Why? Because the world needs to laugh more often! Don’t try to change my mind, the people have spoken! (Actually just one person, my mother… she reminded me that you need at least a billion dollars to be a legitimate candidate. I was a little short. Not really, I’m about six feet tall.) Heeeee’s back!

Well, now that my political career is over, I can finally tell the truth. I’d rather be king than president. (Stephen King, that is.) Have you seen how many books that guy has sold? Well over a thousand. He must be rolling in dough. I guess I shouldn’t complain, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, has become the best-selling mystery novel in the state of South Carolina. (Where most of it takes place.) Make sure read the book before you go to Charleston! (or any other city south of the Mason-Dixon Line.)

So what else is new? Congratulations to Miss Amanda Garner, who won our last trivia contest. (By three seconds!) She will be receiving an autographed copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE, which I understand she intends to read on her way to Paris, France. Good timing, Amanda. Hope you enjoy the book!

Speaking of travel, the Princess of Portugal and her somewhat sober husband, Baron Lee, have left Lake Como and are heading to the Azores. (Did you know that Perry Como owned his own lake? I didn’t.) Meanwhile, Judge Susan is on her way home from the Big Apple, which I think is in New York. (They grow a lot of apples upstate.) Safe travels, everyone!

As for me, watch out, Dallas! I’m on my way (in a day or so) to “Big D” to attend a little function near the George Bush Library & Museum. Day one will be spent on the campus of SMU, followed by a book club gig and private dinner at a publisher’s house in Highland Park. Day two will be even more fun… I am, for the very first time, going to the State Fair of Texas! Yahoo! I can’t wait to sink my teeth into a corn dog! Have you ever seen the menu from the fair? Almost everything is fried! The most interesting dish is the “Dr. DeBakey Special.” A huge plate of french fries smothered in fried bacon and melted cheese. (Guaranteed to result in coronary surgery before you reach the parking lot!) Sounds yummy.

And since we’re on the subject of food, I would like to thank the lovely and talented Miss Hannah for hosting a very nice dinner party at Napa Flats Restaurant last week. Guests dined upon Cajun shrimp and gumbo, accompanied by some fine wine. A good time was had by all! (Miss Hannah is the publisher of a new magazine called “River Place Living.”)

Finally, since someone mentioned the above magazine, I would like to thank Mr. George Lowe for interviewing me for the December issue of River Place Living. We recently spent several hours together, and George will be writing a lengthy expose, I mean, article, about me. I hope all of my friends in and around River Place will support this new venture, and I look forward to reading some great articles in the months ahead.

Well, my friends, I must start packing. The ACL music festival is just about over here in Austin, so I’m going downtown with my metal detector to see if I can find some jewelry. Last year I found an 18-karat ring, but the woman wearing it refused to take it off her darn finger! Some people are so pathetic. Ah well, such is life.

Have a safe and joyful week! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

***** If you can identify all of the locations in the attached photos you will win a HUGE gift! (Courtesy of Donald Trump)

September 6, 2015

QUIET ON THE SET!

There’s very little quiet on any set these days, but that’s because of the cable networks. In any case, I wasn’t referring to television. (By the way, why do they call it a television “set” when there is only one device?) Where was I? Oh yes, the quiet on the set thing. Well, I’ve got some potentially good news to share with my 21,000 loyal blog followers…… There is a possibility, albeit remote, that my second mystery novel, THE PIRATE PATH, will be optioned for a movie later this year. Are you folks familiar with a production company called “Infinitum Nihil?” (Meaning “infinite nothing.”) This is Johnny Depp’s company, operated by the old pirate and his sister. Keep your fingers crossed for me. (Pirates always have to cross a few bones for luck!)

Speaking of luck… I recently received two lovely gifts from two of my high school friends who are also blog followers. First, I wish to thank the incredibly talented Joyce Harness McGregor for sending me a beautiful painting of my favorite bird. (The red cardinal) The painting is now hanging in my study for all to see. Second, I would like to thank the brilliant Margaret Dinzler Shaw for sending me a copy of the book of essays she recently edited. Good job, Margaret!

Incidentally, I recently received an invitation to become Facebook friends with the great Daniel Negreanu, one of the world’s best poker players. Daniel is a fan of my mystery novels, and one of the truly nice guys on the professional poker circuit. I wish him continued success at the tables, and urge him to wear the t-shirt I’m sending. (The shirt displays a full face photo of President James A. Garfield on the front, and on the back it reads: THE SECOND MOURNING.) Dang shirt costs me five bucks to make!

Did you see that the CEO of Starbucks is telling his workers to be gentle with customers who may have lost money in the stock market last week? Great advice from a guy who charges five dollars for a cup of coffee! I’ve figured out how they get away with that… they use Italian titles for all of their special drinks. Makes the stuff sound fancy. Hey, who charges more per cup, Starbucks or Victoria’s Secret? (Both keep me up at night!)

My never-ending self-promoting book tour and tequila sampling took me to another fascinating location last week. I spent a productive afternoon in lovely San Saba, the Pecan Capital of the World. (Just think of all the “nut jokes” I could do right now!) Believe it or not, the town produces over five million pounds of pecans every year! They use pecans in almost everything down there, including beer, olive oil, pies, cakes, cookies, and pralines. These items are not cheap. You have to “shell out” some bucks if you want to eat well! If you plan to stay f0r dinner, I’d try Diggs Restaurant & Club. (Yummy steaks, cooked over…. pecan!)

Well, I must close now. My new grand-daughter is expecting me, and if I show up late, she might need a diaper change. (Man, if you guys thought an oil change was messy, you should see some of those diapers!) How can anything so beautiful produce such a nasty odor? Yes, dear pilgrims, the Lord works in mysterious ways! (He also has a wicked sense of humor!)

Have a safe and happy week, and we shall meet again in the sweet by and by. (or should I say, bye-bye?) Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. A free autographed book to the first person who can tell me where the attached photo was taken!

August 23, 2015

TIME TO GET INTO (SHIP) SHAPE!

Well, it’s official, my fall/winter book tour itinerary will be centered around… the Leeward Islands! (Antigua, St. Martin, St. Kitts, etc.) The folks on these islands are a little shy, unlike those who live on the Forward Islands, but I’m looking forward to a productive visit. (Meaning that my hosts better produce some good rum!) Believe it or not, my books are very popular in certain quarters. In fact, that’s what my books sell for in the Caribbean, a quarter! (I get a two-cent royalty on each book.) Nonetheless, it will be good to “get out of town” during the cedar-allergy season here in Texas.

Speaking of “out of town,” some newscaster just asked Donald Trump how he intends to pay for the wall he wants to build between the United States and Mexico. I didn’t like his answer. He said, “No hablo Ingles.” (What does that mean?) Greek to me. (Actually, it might be Spanish.)

And since we’re on the subject of “foreign tongues,” some chick named Ashley Madison has asked me to speak at her book club in Las Vegas. (You can “bet” I won’t be coming. Oops, poor choice of words.) Make that, “going.” Who is this woman, and how is her list any different than Emily’s List? I think I’ll stick with Franz Joseph Liszt. (He’s more “in tune” with my style of writing.)

Hey, did you see the latest literary nonsense from England? Researchers are suggesting that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user! Balderdash! If that were true, he would have written the following lines: “To be or not to be… Wait, what was the question?”

The pharmaceutical industry will soon be offering something called “pink Viagra” for the ladies. I’m not sure what that is, but it’s supposed to stimulate their gazebos. I was thinking of buying some pills for my wife, but I think I’ll start with No-Doz. (I’d be happy if she could just stay awake!) Is that asking too much?

By the way, I’d like to thank my book club hosts over in Lufkin for sponsoring a very fun day. Downtown Lufkin is lovely, and the food at Lufkin Bar-B-Que is excellent. (You must try the deep-fried yeast rolls.) The rolls come with a giant plate of succulent pork ribs. Just ask for the “Dr. DeBakey Special.” Your heart won’t thank you, but your stomach will. In fact, if you eat all of the ribs and rolls, you’d better have a will! (The written kind!) While you are in town, you might want to visit the Texas Forestry Museum. They asked me to leave because I kept shouting “timber!” No problem, I was getting “board” anyway.

Incidentally, if you are the first person to correctly identify the nickname of this lovely East Texas region, you will win a free, autographed copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE. Good luck, and no cheating! (Don’t call anyone in Lufkin.) Finally, I would like to wish a speedy recovery to my first book editor, the brilliant (albeit unlucky) Ms. Barbara Talbott. I cannot elaborate on her minor accident, but I can tell you that she may be going to Hollywood. (She may get a part in a “cast!”)

Also, safe travels to the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee, who are visiting their son in Portland, Oregon. I just read that Bernie Sanders drew a crowd of 20,000 people in that city. Of course, in Portland you can draw a crowd of 20,000 with a Frisbee. (They read a lot of Shakespeare up there, if you know what I mean!)

Well, gang, time to go to brunch or lunch or whatever the heck you call a noon meal on Sunday. Have yourself a safe and happy week, and we shall meet again, in early September. Drive carefully, school is back in session! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. The attached photograph is simply meant to lengthen this blog post!