October 2, 2016

WINNERS NEVER QUIP!

Thus, instead of running for President (and surely winning) I have decided to return to my passion of writing lame jokes. Why? Because the world needs to laugh more often! Don’t try to change my mind, the people have spoken! (Actually just one person, my mother… she reminded me that you need at least a billion dollars to be a legitimate candidate. I was a little short. Not really, I’m about six feet tall.) Heeeee’s back!

Well, now that my political career is over, I can finally tell the truth. I’d rather be king than president. (Stephen King, that is.) Have you seen how many books that guy has sold? Well over a thousand. He must be rolling in dough. I guess I shouldn’t complain, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, has become the best-selling mystery novel in the state of South Carolina. (Where most of it takes place.) Make sure read the book before you go to Charleston! (or any other city south of the Mason-Dixon Line.)

So what else is new? Congratulations to Miss Amanda Garner, who won our last trivia contest. (By three seconds!) She will be receiving an autographed copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE, which I understand she intends to read on her way to Paris, France. Good timing, Amanda. Hope you enjoy the book!

Speaking of travel, the Princess of Portugal and her somewhat sober husband, Baron Lee, have left Lake Como and are heading to the Azores. (Did you know that Perry Como owned his own lake? I didn’t.) Meanwhile, Judge Susan is on her way home from the Big Apple, which I think is in New York. (They grow a lot of apples upstate.) Safe travels, everyone!

As for me, watch out, Dallas! I’m on my way (in a day or so) to “Big D” to attend a little function near the George Bush Library & Museum. Day one will be spent on the campus of SMU, followed by a book club gig and private dinner at a publisher’s house in Highland Park. Day two will be even more fun… I am, for the very first time, going to the State Fair of Texas! Yahoo! I can’t wait to sink my teeth into a corn dog! Have you ever seen the menu from the fair? Almost everything is fried! The most interesting dish is the “Dr. DeBakey Special.” A huge plate of french fries smothered in fried bacon and melted cheese. (Guaranteed to result in coronary surgery before you reach the parking lot!) Sounds yummy.

And since we’re on the subject of food, I would like to thank the lovely and talented Miss Hannah for hosting a very nice dinner party at Napa Flats Restaurant last week. Guests dined upon Cajun shrimp and gumbo, accompanied by some fine wine. A good time was had by all! (Miss Hannah is the publisher of a new magazine called “River Place Living.”)

Finally, since someone mentioned the above magazine, I would like to thank Mr. George Lowe for interviewing me for the December issue of River Place Living. We recently spent several hours together, and George will be writing a lengthy expose, I mean, article, about me. I hope all of my friends in and around River Place will support this new venture, and I look forward to reading some great articles in the months ahead.

Well, my friends, I must start packing. The ACL music festival is just about over here in Austin, so I’m going downtown with my metal detector to see if I can find some jewelry. Last year I found an 18-karat ring, but the woman wearing it refused to take it off her darn finger! Some people are so pathetic. Ah well, such is life.

Have a safe and joyful week! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

***** If you can identify all of the locations in the attached photos you will win a HUGE gift! (Courtesy of Donald Trump)

July 24, 2016

ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY!

It just looks that way. OMG what a wonderful, but confusing city! One wrong turn and you’re lost forever. Get this: all of the street signs are written in Italian! What’s up with that? Our group did a LOT of walking, so we had to consume a copious amount of water and wine. (Which means that “european” all day long!) Fortunately I learned some key phrases, such as, “dove de toilet?” Our favorite stop was the Coliseum and Roman Forum. (Be advised that the Coliseum, for some strange reason, has no air-conditioning.) I suggested enclosing the structure, but our guide had no (verbal) response. She did, however, make an interesting hand gesture.

I will be attaching photographs of the Forum, which is where many lively debates were held by local politicians. (You were either “forum” or “against ‘um”) Two of the most famous emperors, Donaldo Trumpus and Hilarious Clinton have statues prominently displayed near the outdoor commodes. (Draw your own conclusions on this one!) Ah, the mystery of history!

So what else is new? Well, I just read a study that stated that the average Japanese senior citizen has sex once a year. The average American senior has sex seven times a year. This study was shocking to me. Frankly, I never knew that I was Japanese!

If you live in or near the city of Austin, check out this month’s issue of AUSTIN WAY MAGAZINE. The front cover mentions a young lady named Rebecca Yanoff, who they refer to as “SOCO’S New Style Queen.” (SOCO stands for “South Congress,” our main shopping thoroughfare.) The enclosed article and photographs are lovely, but just between you and me, I hate it when my daughters get more publicity than me! Jeez, don’t people read anymore?

Speaking of shopping… somebody stole my wife’s American Express Card last month. I haven’t reported it yet. Whoever stole the card is spending less than my wife! (My momma didn’t raise no fool!)

By the way, last night was a VERY special night in these parts. Miss Helena, the Princess of Portugal, and her fabulously rich husband, Baron Lee, held a gala event at their mansion in Round Rock. The guests (and a couple of party-crashers from Steiner Ranch) were treated to an assortment of fine wines and spirits. The cuisine was simply superb… roasted potatoes, Corpus Christi cole slaw, braised asparagus, and…. (are you sitting down?) ….. grilled Maine lobster tails! (Being something of a writer, I just love tails/tales!)

And since we are on the subject of tall tales, I would like to remind you to circle August 23 on your calendar. On that day I shall once again be the featured guest on the Authors of America Radio Program. I will be discussing my new mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, which is selling briskly and receiving some very nice reviews. (I’m still waiting for my mother’s comments!) I will, of course, post the exact time and stations as the date draws near.

Well, since I’ve dabbled into the high risk field of politics on this blog post, I shall leave you with the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln… (WARNING: I never get this quote exactly right) ….. “You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time. And sometimes you can fool some people who are foolish at times, but you can’t be fooled all of the time no matter how many times you’re fooled.” (You were warned!)

Frankly, my dear, I prefer the semi-immortal words of my former tax advisor, Myron “My Mistake” Moskowitz, who once said, “You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time… and those are pretty good odds!” Myron recently received a pen with a life-time guaranty. (Leavenworth Prison!)

Verily, I say unto thee, go forth and have yourselves a safe and joyful week! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

***** Photographic evidence attached!

July 17, 2016

SWEET SIXTEEN!

Now there’s an oxy-moronic term if I ever heard one… Do you know any sixteen-year-olds that are sweet? (They’re too busy playing Pokemon Go!) When I was a teenager we spent our time more wisely — reading. (Mainly Playboy and National Geographic Magazine.) In any case, the blog title is not meant as a reference to juvenile delinquents, but as a reference to the fact that I recently received my 16th literary award. While I was traipsing around Italy, my history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, won the “Honorable Mention Award,” (third place) at the 2016 New York Book Festival.

The awards ceremony is going to be held at the (in) famous Algonquin Hotel in midtown Manhattan. I may attend the ceremony, mainly out of respect for all the incredible writers who made the hotel famous back in the 20’s and 30’s. Back in the day, a group of editors, book authors, and playwrights gathered at the Round Table Restaurant and spent countless hours engaged in brilliant repartee. The group included such literary geniuses as Dorothy Parker, Robert Benchley, Robert Sherwood (winner of 4 Pulitzer Prizes!), Alexander Woolcott, Edna Ferber, and my personal playwriting idol, George S. Kaufman. (who also wrote some of the movie scripts for the Marx Brothers.)

For those of you concerned about my mental well-being, fear not, I have finally caught up with my emails and have returned to my (semi) normal routine as a (semi) famous author and bon vivant. I am thrilled to report that we now have close to 30,000 blog followers, and that most of them actually speak a version of the English language. (Those folks from Gozo are a bit problematic.)

Several of my curious blog followers have requested a little more information about my archaeological stop in the Sicilian port of Agrigento. So, for your educational edification, allow me to add that the town was originally founded by the Greeks, overtaken by the Romans, conquered by the Muslim Arabs, and preserved by the Normans. (Whew, what a cast of characters!) In other words, there was an incredible mix of cultures, adding to the overall charm and mystique of the city. (At the end of this blog, I will post some photos of our stop in Agrigento, so please remain awake… I know it’s a little early for some of you!)

On the home front, I would like to congratulate the Princess of Portugal (and her hubby, Baron Lee) for sponsoring the soccer team of Portugal, which recently won the 2016 Euro Championship. (Their frequent trips to the Azores paid for the uniforms and the foot powder used by the players!)

Also close to home (actually, just inside our house) we were honored to wine and dine with Judge Susan, the (semi) notorious “Hanging Judge” of Central Texas. She got that moniker not for sentencing scofflaws to hang, but for “hanging around” the courthouse with a pair of crutches and beating unprepared lawyers over the head. (with the soft end of the crutches) I am happy to report that her Honor is on the mend, and will soon resume her flagging tap-dancing career.

And since we are on the subject of friends, allow me to thank Mr. Robert Todaro for sending me a lovely Maltese poem as a remembrance of my visit to Malta and Gozo. (Robert actually speaks and understands their language, which is remarkable. Only a handful of human beings have conquered that challenge!) Nonetheless, I would like to leave you with this poem, which I hope you enjoy:

“Il-bjuda taz-zahar u l-hegga tat-tfulija huma I-poezija tal-holm.”

Translation: (roughly) “The whiteness of blossoms and the enthusiasm of boyhood are the poetry of dreams.”

I apologize for leaving out some of the symbols above the words, but my ancient computer doesn’t seem to have any of these in stock. (or perhaps I just can’t find them) Still, you get the idea. So, with that, allow me to say goodbye until next Sunday. I hope all of you have a wondrous week. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

*** Stay tuned for some enchanting photographs!

January 4, 2015

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Well, it’s official, 2015 is now here. How was your New Year’s Eve? Did you know that over one million people gathered in Times Square to watch the ball drop and have their wallets pickpocketed? I didn’t see a single Porta John, so be very careful where you walk if you’re headed there this week. (and remember what your mother told you about eating yellow snow!) Just for the record… 44% of Americans kiss someone at the stroke of midnight. Half of those know the other person. 61% say a prayer. (I pray that someone will kiss ME!) Incredibly, 360 million glasses of champagne are consumed during the holiday season.

In case you’re wondering, the states with the highest consumption of champagne are….. California, Illinois, New York, Florida, and Texas. (Arkansas is last, but only because the bottles do not come with instructions for opening.)

Speaking of numbers… the final statistics on last year’s blog activity were sent out this week. I am thrilled to report that our blog gained followers in 71 different countries! We also added 5,700 new followers! The countries that viewed the most blog posts were… America, Brazil, and Italy. I’d like to sincerely thank each and every one of you, and encourage you to invite one of your significant others to join us!

I attended a lavish party on New Year’s Eve, hosted by the incomparable Jamie & Gary Rubenstein. Lots of great food and stimulating conversation, but as usual, I barely got a word in. However, I did manage to briefly summarize the first 45 years of my utterly fascinating life. Bowing to rules of etiquette, I only talked about myself for two hours, and was then compelled to ask the other guests what they thought about me. (I cannot print their responses in a public forum.)

The guest list was a little sketchy, but vaguely entertaining. The Talbotts were “on the wagon,” so they drank Canada Dry. (I tried to drink Canada dry the last time I went to Montreal.) Judge Susan brought a dip. (I didn’t catch his name.) Pat Cutrone was cold, so she arrived with a capon. Patty and I never show up empty-handed, so as usual, we brought a fork and knife. (She also took some silverware.) I must say that this year’s entertainment was, well, unique. Have you ever played Pictionary in the nude? (Now I know why they’re called magic markers!)

Finally, a new Harvard study confirmed that American women suffer the most frequent mood swings during their minstrel cycle. (I know some men who suffer, too.) Frankly, most men think that a minstrel cycle has something to do with a bike rider wearing blackface. Having studied female autonomy, I know the difference, and understand what women go through during this, uh, period. Come to think of it, this might be the origin of the term “hell on wheels.” Just saying.

Well, my dear friends, time to say sayonara. Breakfast awaits (I hope) and as they say in the fish store… “carp diem!” I bid you all a fond farewell and hope you have a marvelous week. A last tidbit of advice… If you want to follow your dreams, go back to bed!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

*** Attached are some photographs recently taken aboard the Queen Mary. Thanks to my publicist, Gary Rubenstein, my new non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, is now the official history book of Cunard Cruise Lines!

April 27, 2014

“THE SECOND MOURNING” ARRIVES!!

WELL, IT TOOK A WHILE, BUT MY “BABY” WAS FINALLY “DELIVERED” TO THE PRINTER LAST FRIDAY! What a sweet bundle of joy. Looks just like his father. 500 pages of parental pride, now available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and a huge number of bookstores throughout the free world. (And several counties in Arkansas.) Yep, my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, can now be purchased by the general public! Please, hold your applause. On second thought, I think I deserve a standing ovulation. Hey, I just “gave birth” to new creation. (The heck with a simple ovation!) After delivering 500 + pages I’m just glad I didn’t deliver twins. (A two-volume set.)

Truthfully, the process was invigorating, but somewhat stressful. (i.e., Try to imagine 731 endnotes!) Nevertheless, my incredible discoveries are fully documented. Personally, I don’t know why I needed so many references. I just figured out that I’m right 97% of the time. Who cares about the other 4%? Not me. After I finished the book, I checked myself into the Hokey Pokey Clinic in Austin. (I wouldn’t to “turn myself around.”) While I was recuperating I had some very profound thoughts….. For instance….. Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older. It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror!

Don’t fret about your weight, either. I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that….. After all, 7lbs. 6oz. is just not realistic. Thus, I have formally given up exercise! That’s right, no more exercise for this author! Look, if walking was good for you, the postman would be immortal. Right? Heck, whales swim all day, mainly eat fish, and drink just water….. and they’re all fat! Nothing but blubber! Just remember, my healthy blog followers, a rabbit runs and hops all day long, but only lives 15 years. (A tortoise, on the other hand, moves very slowly and lives 450 years!) Do the math, my friends!

I once saw a tortoise at a Shell Station, but that’s another story. Speaking of other stories, Mrs. Emily Martin won last week’s trivia contest. (German immigrants introduced the Easter Bunny and also brought over….. pretzels!) Would you like another question? Fine. Tell me the make of pistol that Charles Guiteau used to shoot President Garfield. (Dr. Max Talbott, my weapons consultant, is NOT eligible to enter this contest!) One answer per follower, please.

ONE SMALL FAVOR TO ASK….. If you purchase a copy of THE SECOND MOURNING would you please be kind enough to leave a nice review of the book on Amazon.com? Favorable reviews translate into advertising dollars from the publisher, so you would be doing me a HUGE favor. Thank you very, very much.

Well, I must run… tonight we are attending a special dinner, hosted by the amazingly talented chef, Mrs. Pat Cutrone. (The “Legend of Lakeway.”) I’m hoping to read the first 30 chapters of my new book (aloud) but the other guests might have a problem digesting their dinner! (Which is why I always travel with a case of books and a case of Alka-Seltzer!) Have yourself a safe and pleasant week, and we shall meet again next Sunday! Love to all…

Doc Yanoff