Murder On Maiden Lane

December 23, 2012

HAPPY, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

WELL, CHRISTMAS IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!  (OR SHOULD I SAY “CHIMNEY?”) ……..

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Hold on a minute….. it was late, so why would a mouse be up?  And what was the little guy stirring up?  (Besides trouble!)  Was our rodent friend making hot chocolate?  (Or maybe “Choclate Mouse?”)  Hmmm.  Very suspicious.  I could understand if a cat was up late.  Cats love Christmas.  (Think Santa “Claws.”)  Never mind, “scratch” that joke.  I thought I “nailed” my opening, but somethings amiss.  (or a mister)   I can’t put my “finger” on it, but I think I’m making too many puns.  (But you have to admit, I’m so “cuticle!”)

Did you know that this wonderful poem was written by Clement Clarke Moore?  (Of the law firm Moore & Moore)  Mr. Moore came from a very prominent family.  (His father was Benjamin Moore, the Bishop of New York who was famous for swearing at, I mean, swearing in George Washington at his first inauguration.)  Just an interesting little piece of holiday trivia.

I’ve had a fun filled week.  I placed 4th in the huge “Third Base Poker Extravaganza” held last Monday.  (No, I didn’t cheat again.)  On Thursday, I went to the movies and saw the new film called “LINCOLN.”   I was a little disappointed, because I thought it was going to be about Nebraska.  (Who would make a movie about Nebraska?)  Anyway, it was about the bearded President who served in the White House during the War of Northern Aggression.  (As my sweet Granny used to say!)  As we all know, the Civil War began with the Dred Scott Decision.  (Scott was a runaway slave who was filled with Dred about returning to the plantation.)  So…. fast forward to 1863, and Mr. Lincoln issues the “Emaciation Proclamation,” which freed all of the very thin slaves.  (A “weighty” decision, I might add!)  The film was vaguely interesting.  Did you know that Abe Lincoln was our first Jewish president?  (No kidding, I heard that he was shot in the temple!)  Ah, the mystery of history!

Anyway, I love Christmas, even though it was somewhat traumatic for me as a child.  (I was so ugly that my parents hung me up and kissed the mistletoe!)  One night, I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus.  (Of course, now that I think about it, it might have been that Lincoln guy!)  I do remember a beard.  Speaking of James Beard, did you know that the most popular Christmas dinner is turkey?  Second is baked ham.  We had both in my family, but the Yanoffs were famous for being, I mean, serving fruit cakes.  (Who thought of putting candy rocks in a cake?)  This holiday season will be a gourmet delight for me….  Last night, the gracious and lovely Jaime Rubenstein (and her skinny husband, Gary) hosted a wonderful Chanukah party at their beautiful new home in Lakeway.  Great fun, great food, great company!    We also had a “white elephant” gift exchange, which was rather humorous.   (Some crazy lady brought a hand made basket woven from old straw remnants!)

Speaking of crazy ladies…..   (OR SHALL I SAY, LADIES THAT I AM CRAZY ABOUT!)  …… Mrs. Barbara Talbott will be hosting her annual Christmas Eve Food, Bourbon, and Poker Winter Solstice & Pre-Cruise Festival on Monday evening, and I can’t wait!  Last year we had food fit for a king.  Actually, she brought in Burger King, but it was very tasty.  (I got a large order of fries!)  This year she will be conjuring up (is that the right word?) a special treat…..  Flash Fried Fruit Cake Fritters.  (Yummy)

On a serious note, Barbara’s husband, Max, lost his Dad recently.  I have posted a link on a previous post, so if you want to learn what a real American hero is all about, check it out.  (I posted part of the obituary)  If you missed it, Mr. James Talbot, 88, passed away on 12/12/12!   A special date for a very special man.  Mr. Talbott served with incredible distinction during World War II (with his twin brother!) and was awarded (from the U.S. Army) not only THE BRONZE STAR but also the COMBAT INFANTRY BADGE and several other awards.  As they say, they just don’t make men like him anymore.  Thanks for keeping us free!

FOR MY ELVIS FANS……   Please note that on this day, in 1954, young Elvis was stopped for speeding in Shreveport, Louisiana.  (Who would want to speed through lovely Shreveport?)   The big guy was driving home for Christmas, and he only had a few bucks in his pocket.  That was the problem.  The officer wanted to know why Elvis was walking round with deer in his pockets.  Hey, do you think they were reindeer?  Anyway, Elvis got off with a warning and made it home in time to buy his Mama and Daddy a nice gift.  I think he bought them Rhode Island.  Other than that, nothing much happened on this date.  By the way, I think the parents went back to the mall and returned Rhode Island.  (Wrong size.  Too small.)

Well, my dear family, friends, and fans, it is time to consume my pre-Christmas breakfast buffet.  That being the case, I shall wish each and every one of you a joyous holiday and a very Merry Christmas!  In the words of Tiny Tim (The one from Charles Dickens) “Hey, can I borrow a couple of pounds?  I’m a little short.”     One last question….  if Tiny Tim had a cold, do you think we would “Cratchit?”

“God bless us, every one!”    (The REAL quote!)

Doc Yanoff

December 16, 2012

DRIBS AND DRABS…..

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRIB AND A DRAB??   (Me neither)  Well as they say in guitar class, don’t fret.  They basically mean the same thing.  (“A small drop”)  Some folks think that the word “Drib” is short for “Dribble.”   They are wrong.  You can’t get much shorter than a drib.  And by the way, speaking of shortening words….  How come the word “Abbreviation” is so darn long?  Does that make sense to you?  (Me neither)  Such is the English language, which just happens to be one of 2,700 languages in the world.  (Composed of roughly 750,000 words!)  Oddly enough, I can only spell 10% of them.  Bummer dude.

AND NOW FOR SOME DRIBS AND DRABS…….   I had my hour-long telephone interview with AMAZON BOOK CLUB on Monday.  The conversation went very well and the good folks at Amazon will be dedicating a FULL PAGE to THE PRESLEY PLOT sometime in the next week or two.  (I will keep you informed.)  They intend to run a full book cover, my photo, and a lengthy review of the book.  The Amazon Book Page will be sent to…..  100,000 websites across the world!  I am very excited about this development.  Book sales should swell.  (Along with my ego!)

Playing under the nom de plume of “THE COBRA,” I entered a huge poker tournament this past week.  The prizes were substantial (But I am loath to mention the amounts, due to my recent I.R.S. Blog followers)  and as usual, I made a fine and slithering show of myself.  I placed SECOND, and would have won if not for a damn “river king.”     Ah well, I still had a great time and raked in some moola.  (Do cows ever rake in “moo-la?”)  Just asking.

Ravi Shankar passed away this week.  The New York Times (a commie rag) described him as a “prolific sitarist,” but I don’t think he was that clever or funny.  The lad was 92, which meant that he “strung us along” for many years.  (So much for satire.)  Speaking of the Times, do you guys remember William Satire, the columnist?  Now he was clever and funny.

Hilary Clinton must be writing a book, too.  I heard she fell down and came up with a conclusion.  (She should quit while she’s still “ahead.”)

I just finished my third mystery novel yesterday!  (Titled…..   “DEVIL’S COVE.”)   The tale is centered around the planned theft of the Gutenberg  Bible from the Ransom Center in Austin.  After I finished it, I realized that I could write a “healthier” sequel for folks on a special diet.  In the second book, the bad guys would try to steal a “Guten-free Bible” made of protein-less wheat!  (They hope to get a lot of “dough” for the book.)   Do this sound like an interesting “slice” of life?  Will Adam Gold “rise” to the occasion?  Will he protect the “upper crust” of society?  These, and many other bad puns, await my dedicated followers!

A word to some of those followers……   Our thoughts and prayers go out to my great friend Max Talbott, who is now in Indiana handling a family situation.  God’s speed, cousin!   Happy belated birthday to a brilliant and beautiful lady named Christine Nickles!  (One of my oldest and dearest friends!)   Hard to believe she’s sixty.  (That means I’m getting older, too!)  A big kiss to Miss Rebecca Lee.  (Suffering from allergies)  I hope you are feeling better today!   A huge “Thank You” to the Fort Worth chapter of the Presley fanatics.  They purchased a large amount of books recently.  If you need some autographs, just let me know and I’ll meet you at the Stockyards!  (And buy you a big steak!)

SPEAKING OF ELVIS PRESLEY……   On this day, in 1956, The King made his 50th (and final) appearance on “Louisiana Hayride.”    And more importantly……  Elvis must have been a little chilly, because he was just about to be contacted by his local “draft board!”   (You’re in the Army now!)     One last item….. also on this day, in 2004, Lisa Marie Presley announced that she would keep Graceland, but sell the bulk of the Elvis estate.  (Which she did, for…..  $100,000,000!)   Not bad for a hillbilly singer.

Well, I hope I have brought some cheer into your lives.  (This has been a rough week for a lot of us.)    Please take good care of yourselves and have a wonderful week.   (As the Jewish gastroenterologist once said…..  “This too shall pass!”)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

November 28, 2012

MAKING HISTORY, PART II

IN MY HUMBLE VIEW….. Making history is almost as much fun as making whoopee.  (I said almost.)  I am referring, of course, to the re-publishing of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  I am very happy to report that Aberdeen Bay Press has sent me the official notification and that the newly revised version will be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, and other sites in about  two or three weeks.  As I believe I previously mentioned, they already have a standing (or sitting) order for 225 copies, so if you need some books for the holidays, do not delay ordering.  After they’re gone you will have to wait… I have a little gout, I mean, clout, but even I have to wait in line.  (Oh, the injustice of it all!)

Several of my loyal devotees have asked about the American Queen riverboat cruise.  (The Elvis-themed excursion leaving from New Orleans.)  Well….. here I was, preparing my brilliant lecture on Tupelo, when lo and behold we hit a snag.  (Not the boat, me)  The snag was the river itself!  Have you read about our drought in this part of the country?  Lake Austin (here in lovely Austin, Texas) is only 40% full!   If my math is correct, that means its almost 60% empty!  Yikes!  What the hell did Al Gore do?

Anyway, no water means no riverboating, no riverfloating, and no rivergloating.  What can I say?  For the first time in American history, the Mighty Mississippi is suffering from low water levels, and it is severely affecting all of the river traffic, both private and commercial vessels!  Due to this lack of H2o, I thought it best to reschedule my voyage.  I will keep my fellow travelers informed of my whereabouts!  (Easy to do with this darn electric ankle bracelet!)

Now for some Elvis news…..  Did you know that on this very day, in 1954, Elvis Presley did something very rare?  (No, he didn’t go on a diet.)  But he did miss two previously scheduled shows that were sold out in Memphis, Tennessee.  (Which, I might add, is where Graceland happens to be.)  So what happened, you ask?  Well, he actually missed his airline connection in Houston!  If you have ever flown through Houston, you know how easy this can be.  So it seems that we are in good company.  I do not know if the airline offered The King any travel compensation, but I’m sure he got several bags of free peanuts.  (Maybe even one of his favorite peanut butter snacks!)

Incidentally, a number of my more curious blog followers have asked about Rachel and Adam (my daughter and new son-in-law) and they wanted to know what those two crazy kids thought of Cape Town, South Africa.  Well, they loved the place.  I have seen some of the photographs, and they are truly amazing.  Mountains on one side, the ocean on the other, and the most magnificent flora and fauna you can imagine.  (Flora was particularly attractive!)  The only “tricky” part of the trip was the safari.  On day one they were detained by a horde of pygmies!  (But just for a “short” time.)  Then they were stopped by headhunters!  (But neither needed a job.)  Finally, on day three, they were asked to play the drums for a tribe of Ubangi warriors!  (The tribesmen kept shouting, “You bangee!”  “You bangee!”)  Adam finally gave in and banged the damn drum, but as they found out, he marches to the beat of a different drum.  In any case, Rachel explained the “big bang theory” to the tribal chieftain and all was well.  You can’t “beat” a vacation like that!

Finally, I would like to give a big shout out to Max and Barbara, the President and Vice-President of my Indiana Fan Club For Elvis Authors!  They are taking care of some personal business this week, and we wish them well!  Also, thanks to Judge Susan for her recent legal work on behalf of my growing literary estate!  Another job well done.  If you are in or around Salado, Texas next week, look for my mug on a poster.  (No, not at the Post Office)  I am tentatively engaged to speak at a  book club in that charming town.  I will send the details later.

Have a wonderful day and please drive carefully.  (I keep hearing about a fiscal cliff in front of us.)  I will write again soon…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

 

November 21, 2012

GOBBLE GOBBLE!

HAPPY HOLIDAY!   Did you know that the very first Thanksgiving was held in a car?  Yep, in a PLYMOUTH!  (The Pilgrims couldn’t afFORD anything else and they didn’t want to DODGE the party!)  You can’t make these things up, folks.  (Well, actually you can, but I won’t go there.)  Anyway, a lot of Americans think this wonderful holiday has something to do with Captain John Smith and his main squeeze Pocahontas, but that is simply not the case.  I will admit that Captain Smith (almost) lost his head over her, but that’s only because he was rude.  (He kept pointing at her during dinner and then, after some cheap corn whiskey, he tried to poke her with his index finger.  You should never,ever, poke a hontas!

As you can see, I know a great deal about indigent people.  (Poor Indians)   Did you know that Pocahontas was the daughter of Powhatan?  Did you know that her uncle lived in New York City?  (Yeah, his name was MANHATTAN)  Did you know that one of her descendants was Nancy Reagan?  (This is actually true.)  But enough about her…..  let’s get to the great holiday known for peace, love, and wonderful sales at the mall.

Interestingly, seven other nations celebrate THANKSGIVING!  (Originally a day to celebrate a good harvest.)  I, of course, celebrate life, liberty, family, friends, and steadily increasing sales of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  (Do I have my priorities straight, or what?)  We can all thank (no pun intended) FDR for making the day official.  At his urging, Congress agreed to the 4th Thursday in November.  FDR was an interesting fellow.  Did you know that he was the first president to play Texas Hold ‘Em Poker?  Sure, don’t you remember the NEW DEAL?

He also started the tradition of “pardoning” a turkey.  (To make sure the herd continued.)  This year our president intends to pardon Susan Rice!  (Hey, come on, that was funny!)

Thanksgiving at our house in very, well, international.  How so?  We have a TURKEY, sitting in GREECE, and there are people with ROMAN hands and RUSSIAN fingers waiting for the bird to arrive.  Last year my wife burnt the stuffing, which stuck to the bird.  I had to kick the stuffing out of that fowl weather friend, but we did have a tasty meal.  By the way, speaking of reasons to celebrate…..  TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY!    On this day, in 1955, ELVIS signed his contract with RCA, which included all of the famous sound tracks from Sun Studios in Memphis.  I’m not sure if Elvis sold many records (ha ha) but I do know that the contract stipulated that the King produce eight sides per year, and that he received a 5% royalty.  (Which is half of what I get from Aberdeen Bay Publishing.)

Well, I must go do some prep work for the big meal, so I will say goodbye until we meet again.  I have sooooo much to be thankful for this year, and I know that most of you do too.  We have a bunch of loved ones coming for dinner and when they all get here, I intend to remind everyone that our Founding Father (George Washington) put it best when he said that our young country should use the day “as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favours of Almighty God.”

Well said, General!  Be grateful!  Be thankful!  Be well!

Happy Thanksgiving and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff (The Prince of Puritans!)

October 25, 2012

NEVER A DULL MOMENT!

WHERE DO I BEGIN?   Well, let’s start with the exciting news that my dear friend Diane Gee has recently shared with me…..  (Diane is one of the charming ladies that run the office of Dr. Michael Williamson, another friend, and the world’s BEST periodontist!)  I have know Diane for over 10 years, but only recently did her wonderful brother Steve (probably named after me) start playing professional poker.  Steve now spends a great deal of time in Las Vegas, and will soon (October 28th) be spending even more time there because……  Steve Gee just made it to the final table of THE WORLD SERIES OF POKER!!

I am very excited about all of this, especially because I have formally suggested Steve’s new “professional nickname.”  Are you ready for this?  All right, Steve will now be known as “THE G-MAN.”  I love the connection to his last name, and the fact that he is connected to the Feds.  (Although I think an I.R.S. connection would have been better, because if Steve wins the whole enchilada, he will receive $8,500,ooo!!!!!)

Good luck, buddy!  We here in Austin will be rooting for you!  (And don’t forget to hold up a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT whenever the camera swings to you!)  The Elvis t-shirts are on the way.

MORE EXCITING NEWS……   Last night’s Literary Salon Event was a huge success!  The audience was alive and kicking, and we had a marvelous time discussing mystery novels, publishing, and the lack of parking spaces at the Wildflower Terrace.  (Which is a very lovely venue, I might add.)  Our wonderful hostess, Terri Schexnayder, held a pre-seminar party in her brand new apartment, and some of the guests (i.e., Ms. Beverly Horne) wore Halloween costumes.  The wine and food were greatly appreciated, and so was the post-seminar book signing.  The lovely and talented Helen Ginger was my co-panelist, and together we sold many, many books.  SO THANK YOU AGAIN, TERRI!

After the mystery seminar, I joined some dear friends for a late-night Cajun snack.  (Which consisted of great fried oysters, catfish, and Abita Beer.)  I must say, it was a wonderful conclusion to a most wonderful day.  And by the way, since one of the couples (Max and Barbara Talbott, of the Chateau Talbott Family in France) was at our table, I will end this post by mentioning something about their home state, Indiana…..

Thirty-six years ago today, ELVIS PRESLEY performed a memorable concert in Fort Wayne, Indiana.  The show was held at the Memorial Coliseum, and there were roughly 14,000 people in attendance.  The crowd was VERY enthusiastic, and just by coincidence, Elvis had just released a wonderful rendition of “How Great Thou Art.”

Naturally, the next day’s headline read:  “How Great He Was!”   Those in attendance swear that this was one of The King’s best shows….. and I don’t doubt it.   I just wonder if Elvis began the concert by asking the crowd….   “Hoosier Mama?”

A “Hoosier” is a resident of Indiana, but the etymology of the word is actually unkown.  (Some folks think the word comes from “hoo,” meaning high or hill in the old Angl0-Saxon language, or “hoozer” which means large)  Whatever the case, the good people of Indiana made Elvis feel quite welcome, and we should do our best to welcome them to Texas.  (Here we have a sneaky reference to my lovely birthday gift to Max Talbott, which will certainly get him “high.”)  Think Bourbon.

Well, gang, I must run…..  Sunday is my sweet Rachel’s wedding day (my oldest daughter) and we are putting together “gift boxes” for our out-of-town guests.  The story of Rachel’s wedding will be told in future blogs…. and you will not want to miss a single installment!  I shall write again soon……  Love to all……

Doc Yanoff, The Father of the Bride!

 

October 21, 2012

BREAKING NEWS!

WHO NEEDS NORWAY?  I say no way, Norway, you can keep that dang Nobel Prize for Boring Literature…..  I have some really exciting news!

As some (most?) of you know, I was sailing through the Panama Canal on the day that the publisher sent me the final galleys for THE PRESLEY PLOT.   Since I was preparing for a prolonged jungle trip (To visit the Embera Indians) my mind was on survival gear and head-hunting techniques, and so I did a VERY poor job of proofreading my own manuscript!  Nobody to blame but myself, although I still think the tribal witch doctor put a curse on me.  (He was a Jerry Lee Lewis fan.)

Anyway….. the good folks at Aberdeen Bay Publishing, having completely sold out of all the first editions of THE PRESLEY PLOT (and recognizing genius when they see it) have kindly agreed to make ALL OF THE CORRECTIONS for the second edition!  For me, this is wonderful news.  I was really annoyed that I did such a poor job proofreading, but now I have a chance to redeem myself.  Frankly, this is probably the only reason that I did not win the Nobel Prize.  (What else could it be?)  In any case, the second edition will be out shortly and available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Googlebooks.com, etc.    If you bought a first edition and want to trade it in, just let me know and I will be happy to make an exchange.  (I intend to give the first editions to a charitable organization.)  However, I understand that error laden books are actually valuable if and when the author becomes famous….. think of the stamps that are so valuable because of printing errors.  So…. you might want to hold on to your first copy.

And since we are on the subject of publishing…..  the brilliant acquisitions editor at Aberdeen Bay Books (who is also an accomplished author) has requested that I promptly forward a copy of my second mystery novel titled….. MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  I am hoping to hear something positive in a month or so, and I will keep you informed of my progress.  Keep your fingers (and some of your toes) crossed for me!  My editor, a wonderful professional named Karl Monger, actually enjoyed the second book more than the first, which is a very good sign.  Of course, as you know by now, there are no guarantees in the competitive world of publishing.

Finally, I would like to remind those that live in or near Austin, that I will be a featured speaker/panelist at a mystery writers seminar this coming Wednesday.  The event is being sponsored by the Austin Literary Salon.  The location of the event will be at Wildflower Terrace Apartments, 3801 Berkman Drive.  (In their main auditorium)  The festivities begin promptly at 6:30 p.m. and end at 8:30 p.m.    As I mentioned previously, there will be a panel discussion, a Q & A session, and then a book reading and book signing.  Admission is almost free, and a gourmet dinner prepared by a world famous French chef will be available.  (For the modest sum of $12,000 per person, not including wine.)  What a bargain!  What a steal!  Buy a book!  Get a meal!

All right, enough with the marketing routine.  If you’re free, come down and join the fun.  You will not be disappointed.  They are expecting a sold out crowd, so plan to arrive by 6 p.m. if you want to get a good seat.  (And remember to ask me some easy questions and laugh at all of my dumb jokes!)

Well, I’m off to get ready for another Sunday function with some of my major blog followers up in Round Rock.  Mrs. Helena Bomblatus (a charming and lovely woman from Portugal) is hosting an elaborate (and authentic) dinner party, featuring gourmet goodies from the Azores.  She is quite the chef, and I am anxiously awaiting her most recent culinary creation.  It will also be nice to be surrounded by a fawning bunch of psychopaths, I mean, sycophants, who think I’m the best thing since white bread.  Ah, the price of fame.  Well, it’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.  (I can really sympathize with Brad Pitt.)

Have a wonderful Sunday and be careful out there…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff