Dallas

May 5, 2013

SINGIN’ THE BLUES…..

Sadly, we lost the great George Jones this week.  A big loss for those of us who love country music.  As some of you know, I was born in Nashville.  Back in the day, my aunts often took me to the Grand Ole Opry, and I remember meeting Mr. Jones backstage.  He was always very polite, and as I recall, always willing to give some squirt an autograph.  Did you know that his big song, “He Stopped Loving Her Today,” was recently voted “the greatest country song of all time?”  Interestingly, Jones did not like the song at first, and he almost refused to record the darn thing.  He thought it was too long, too sad, and too depressing!  (Much like my writing career!)

Personally, I thought it was a great song, but not as good as the one and only country song that I wrote.  (“I’ll Never Get Over You Until You Get Out From Under Him.”)  My little tune was recorded by The Inbred Brothers, and even though it didn’t get much airplay outside of Arkansas, it was nominated for a Granny.  (Similar to the Grammy Award, but given to a senior citizen.)  What a treat it was to see my name in Billboard.  (Actually, my name was ON a billboard, but that’s a long story, and I was falsely accused.)

NOW FOR SOME LITERARY NEWS…..    Aberdeen Bay Press has received permission from my publicist (Invisible Irving Flakowitz) to feature my photograph on their worldwide webpage!  Sooo…. if you are so inclined, or even horizontal, you can log onto their website and view photographs of me signing books in England and France!  In all seriousness, this is very cool, and I appreciate the publicity.

Speaking of publicity….. I would like to publicly thank Mr. Ken Evans, a distinguished gentleman and world-class poker player, for purchasing 10 copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE last week!  (They do make wonderful gifts.)  I’ve noticed that a handful of Austin celebrities are also reading the book…..  i.e., Judge Susan Marquess, Rich Walker, Leigh Ann Woodward, Barbara Talbott, Donna Simon, Christine Nickles, Paula Johnston, and Lee Bomblatus.  (Some of these folks ain’t from Austin, per se, but who’s counting?)  They are here in spirit!  Thanks gang!

While we are on the subject of publicity…..  My friend, Diane Fanning, who just happens to be an incredibly talented writer, is celebrating the publication of her 20th book!  Quite an accomplishment.  Congratulations, Diane!  My other friend (I have two) Larry Brill, is off and running with his first book, and from what I hear, it is destined to become a huge success.  (It’s called “Live@Five”)

I would like to remind my faithful blog followers that Mother’s Day is just around the corner.  (Each year I send my own mom a card of congratulations for having me.)  I’m not sure how my mom feels about that.  (She likes to say “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong!)  Still, I would remind you that we’re supposed to respect our elders, even though, as time marches on, it’s getting harder and harder to find one!

By the way, speaking of finding things, you might want to order a copy of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE this week.  There are only a few copies left from the first printing, and the second printing, which will begin this week, will take some time to complete.  (Your mom will be very disappointed if she gets candy or flowers again!)  I sent my own mom two copies (I charged her full price, but I paid for half of the shipping) and I’m sure she was touched by my generosity.  Where there’s a will…. I want to be in it!

Well, folks, take care and have a safe and happy week.  The spring book tour begins this Saturday, so the next time that you hear from me I will be in Tupelo, MIssissippi!  (Where the heck did I put those blue suede shoes??)  Elvis loves you, baby!

Doc Yanoff

April 28, 2013

LIFE IS STRANGER THAN FICTION!

STRANGER THAN NONFICTION, TOO!  Have you folks been following “the Presley plot?”  No, not my brilliant, best-selling novel, but the Ricin-laced letters that have been sent to President Obama and Senator Roger Wicker of Mississippi?  Whoa, talk about art imitating life!  The true (and thoroughly bizarre tale) took place in…..  Tupelo, Mississippi.  (The first major stop on my upcoming book tour!)  Get this….. one of the participants is an Elvis impersonator and the other worked in an insurance office!  (Do you think my book, THE PRESLEY PLOT, had a big influence on these clowns?)

The fellow that was first arrested (Paul Kevin Curtis) was apparently framed by a fellow impersonator (James Everett Dutschke) and was totally surprised when the F.B.I. showed up.  He thought he was being accused of sending “rice” in the mail!  (No joking.)  The poor guy had never heard of Ricin.  The feds arrested Curtis on some flimsy intelligence… First, he had an Uncle Ben.  Second, his girlfriend was pregnant when he married her, so the crowd threw “puffed rice” when they came out of the church.  Third, Curtis was a “kernel” in the Mississippi National Guard!  (My wife, Patty, wrote these last 3 jokes.  She knows a lot about rice.  You might say she’s a “rice Patty.”)

I will be in Tupelo for a book signing/speaking engagement on May 12th and 13th, so I will keep you informed of the case.   From there we head to Birmingham, Atlanta, Charleston, and then down to Boca Raton.  My wife’s cousin, the S.W.A.T. team guy, will be “house-sitting” while we’re gone.  I really like the guy, but he asked me if he could bring his “bitch.”  (His word, not mine.)  He travels with a Belgian Malinois, but I’m told he keeps her on a “tight leash” and that her bark is worse than her bite.  I’ve never met her, but I hear she’s a real dog.  Oh well, to each their own.

Hey, can somebody explain something to me?  Why do we bother to wash bath towels?  Aren’t we clean when we use them?  Just saying.

I have had a VERY busy week promoting my new book, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  On Tuesday, I spoke in Giddings, Texas, a charming little town southeast of Austin.  My hosts were very nice, and they seemed to be impressed that I knew something about the history of their town.  (Which was built on part of the land granted to Stephen F. Austin in 1821 for a colony in Spanish, Texas!)  The population of Giddings is 5,105, but there are 19 churches in town, so as you can see, Lee County might be called “The Holy Land.”

On Thursday I had my very first interview by a New York magazine dedicated to reviewing newly published novels.  I spent a full hour on the telephone, chatting about this and that, and promoting THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  Two months from now, a full-length book review will be available, and when I get it, I will post it on this blog.  The reporter will be reviewing the second book, which he seemed to like on the telephone.

Meanwhile…..  Miss Emily (the world’s best typist) is busy at work, typing my first nonfiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  Marketing will begin sometime in July or August, so keep your fingers crossed for me.  I began my final editing process for the third “Adam Gold Mystery” on Wednesday.  The book is called DEVIL’S COVE, and thanks to my art director, Rachel Zell, we came up with another wonderful book cover.  (Think of a mysterious-looking cove, engulfed in fog!)

Due to popular demand (from the bar staff)  I shall be returning to the poker tables starting today.  I will be playing in this evening’s poker tournament at the Waterloo Ice House, and again on Thursday evening at the “Bi-Monthly Cut-Throat, Don’t Even Try To Bluff Tourney” at Steiner Ranch.  Wish me luck!  (Did you know that poker was invented by sailors from New Orleans, Louisiana, in 1829?  They spread the game via riverboat, and the original version used a 20-card deck.)

I have been accused of not playing with a full deck, but as you know, I am much like the weather in Texas.  (No, not a “blow hard!”)  I refer to the fact that I am immune to criticism!  Hence, I shall now sign off, and prepare for tonight’s inevitable poker victory!  Have a wonderful week…..  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

April 21, 2013

ON THE ROAD… AGAIN!

Well, my friends, it’s been quite a week, not only for me, but also for the country at large.  Bravo to all my friends in Boston for a job well done… we should have sent the Boston Police after Osama bin Lardass, I mean, bin Laden.  Those Bostonites are the best!   I will never refer to them as “has-beans” again, and the next time the Red Sox play the Yankees I am going to root for…. Hey, I love those Bostonians, but I can’t root against New York!  My son-in-law’s family lives just north of Boston, so as you can imagine, we were all glued to the television set.  Naturally, our thoughts and prayers go out to all of the innocent victims.

And speaking of innocent victims, down here in Texas we had a terrible explosion in the small town of West, which is just north of Austin.  I drove through there the day after the fertilizer plant exploded, and just like in Boston, American heroes were all over the place, helping the wounded, saving lives, etc.  Two very sad events, but both made you proud to be an American.  You know why they’re called “first responders?”

Because they are truly ONE OF A KIND!

I drove up to Dallas this past weekend, and once I got there, I was reminded of another big loss to our collective greatness.  My life-long friend (and one of the finest women in Texas!) is named Miss Holley, and she was a close friend of Pat Summerall’s wife.  Mr. Summerall, as I’m sure you’ve heard, died last week and his funeral service was held on Saturday in “Big D.”  I never met the man, but I am sure going to miss his gentlemanly demeanor and his melodic voice.  Again, he was truly one of a kind.   John Madden delivered an eloquent eulogy, and from what I was told, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

On a lighter note, copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE continue to fly off the shelves!  (To make room for books that sell!)  Just kidding, sales are going quite well, and some important reviews are pending.  I actually gave an impromptu talk to a group of college kids at a Sonic Dive-In last week.  I  ended up selling 10 copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE and 3 copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT!  (Which is all I had in my trunk.)  I guess you could say that business was booming at the Sonic Drive-In.  (Now I know the meaning of a “sonic boom!”)  Next week, my publicist, Black Bart Berkowitz, has me booked at the local Dairy Queen.  I hope all of these ice cream stores appreciate my “good humor!”  (Otherwise, I may have a “melt down.”)

All right, enough with the ice cream jokes!  Tomorrow evening, I meet with my delightful typist, Miss Emily, and whence we meet, I will be giving her the final draft of my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING.  More about this future Pulitzer Prized winner later.  The third “Adam Gold” mystery (DEVIL’S COVE)  is about to be sent to the publisher, so I will also keep you informed of that project.

Any more questions?  I thought not.  Well, it’s been a long day so I need a long neck to save me…..  I shall drink a cold beer to your good fortune, and if you get a chance, you do the same for me!  Love to all… and God Bless the U.S.A.!

Doc Yanoff

March 31, 2013

GIMME THAT OLD TIME RELIGION!

GOOD MORNING!  PESACH SAMEACH!  HAPPY EASTER!

Verily I say unto thee…  Did you hear about the Jewish gentleman who thought he was a matzah ball?  The psychiatrist told him not to worry, it will “pass over!”  Oy vay, now we’re rolling.  (Which is what some matzah balls do!)  All right, here’s an oldie, but a goodie…

KNOCK KNOCK.

Who’s there?

Matzah.

Matzah who?

“You matzah been a beautiful baby, you matzah been a beautiful… ”

Incidentally, did you know that the above song was written by the great Johnny Mercer, and recorded by Bing Crosby and Bobby Darin?  (Twenty years apart!)

Passover, as many of you know, is the day that Jews commemorate their liberation from slavery in ancient Egypt.  (Yeah, that’s right, we invented slavery, too)  Personally, I have no problem with short-term bondage situations, but that’s just me.  In any case, the Israelites (and their cousins the Stalagmites) were instructed by Charlton Heston, I mean, Moses, to mark the doorposts of their homes with the blood of a slaughtered spring lamb, and upon seeing this, the spirit of the Lord would pass over the first-born in these homes.  My own parents followed this ritual for many years, but before long flies became a problem and the neighbors filed a complaint.  (Anti-semitic bastards!)  Any questions about Passover?

All right, let’s move on to Easter, which is a Christian celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  I’m not an authority on Easter, but I know it is preceded by something called Lint.  Again, I’m not positive, but I believe this is where we get the term “ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”  I think that people who celebrate Easter are often called Easterners.  In any case, just like their Jewish brethren, Christians have some fun customs associated with the holiday.  Easter egg hunting is one of the most popular.  (Rich Christians often hide the whole dang chicken! )  Was that a “fowl” joke?  What can I say, I’m “hen-pecked.”  Where was I?

The Easter bunny has become symbolic of the holiday, and the foundation of a very tantalizing stew.  (Here come the emails from PETA!)  Chill out, you vegetarians.  There are plenty of bunnies (no Playboy jokes, please) and besides, the darn things multiply very quickly.  (They are also good at division.)  Hey, did you know that “vegetarian” is the Navajo world for “bad hunter?”  My wife makes rabbit stew every year.  (The darn stuff is hare today and gone tomorrow!)  By the way, do you know how to make a rabbit stew?  Keep him waiting outside.

Goodness, these jokes are really lame.  Speaking of lame, how did a rabbit’s foot become a lucky charm?  (The poor rabbit wasn’t so lucky.)  I think it’s a barbaric custom.  I carry frog’s legs.  (and a chilled bottle of chablis.)  Hopalong Cassidy did the same thing.  (Finish the joke yourself!)

Well, now that I have hopefully shed some light on our religious holidays, I would like to remind our viewing audience that MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE has recently been published and will soon be available on Amazon.com   (The Kindle Version is actually available now!)  I want to thank each and every one of my 4,375 blog followers for your continued interest and support.  None of these literary accomplishments would have been possible without you!  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and I wish you and your families the very best.  If you happen to be an atheist….. God help you!  (Oops, I’m afraid that won’t be possible.  Sorry, Charlie, you’re on your own!)

Love to all…..   Doc Yanoff.

March 13, 2013

BEWARE THE TIDES OF MARCH!

FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY JULIE CAESAR WAS SO CONCERNED ABOUT TIDAL FLUCTUATIONS…..   But perhaps the emperor was not an “out-going” fellow after all!  In any case, “Idus Marti,” (Latin) corresponds with March 15th (two days from now) so you should be aware of “March Madness” in all of its many forms.  Personally, I think April 15th is a much scarier day, that being “Tax Day” in the good old U.S. of A.    I imagine it would be even more scary if I actually had a job.

Speaking of March Madness, did you know the “Ides” were determined by the full moon, and were usually the 13th day of the month?  (Hence the number “13” being unlucky.)

In Bill Shakespeare’s play, “Julius Caesar,” the emperor is warned about the ides of March by a soothsayer.  Sooth you say?  Yes, and the sooth told the truth, but that was uncouth.  The emperor did not believe him, but he finally “got the point.”  As he fell in the Roman forum (or maybe he fell against ‘um) Caesar said,  “Et tu, Brute?”    Brutus replied, “I’ve never killed an emperor, so I thought I’d take a “stab at it.”    (I don’t make these things up, folks.)  In any case, poor Caesar “got the shaft,” so to speak.  Mark Anthony, who was married to Jennifer Lopez but dating Cleopatra, spoke at the funeral and gave a pretty good speech.  (I think he and Jen sang a duet, but don’t quote me on that.)

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel too sorry for Julius Caesar.  Granted, he turned red when he was stabbed.  (Some folks think he became an “Orange Julius.”)  However, on the flip side of that coin, how many of us have a popular salad named in our honor?  You see, friends, always look for the silver lining.  (Just pray it’s not a sword!)

Incidentally, did I mention that I was named after Julius Caesar?  True fact.  He was born and named on July 13, 100 B.C.  (And I was born and named “after” that.)  For those of you who went to public school in Chicago, B.C. stands for “Before Christ.”  (I think A.D. means “after dat.”)

And since we are on the subject of Rome…..  Please, do not join the write-in campaign to have me elected Pope!  I would love to live in Italy, and drown my sorrows in Chianti, but I must finish the 4th “Adam Gold Mystery Novel.”  (RANSOM ON THE RHONE.)    To paraphrase General William Tecumseh Sherman…..   “I will not accept if nominated, will not serve if elected, and if served, I will not eat my pasta!”  I trust this puts an end to the rampant speculation about yours truly becoming the next Pope.  In all likelihood, the next Pope will be Catholic, which is probably very important to the Cardinals.  Don’t worry about me.  I have a lot of yard-work to do.

Thank you friends, Romans, and countrymen for lending me your ears.  (Actually, it was your eyes, but who’s keeping track?)  I leave you with a sincere blessing to enjoy your week.  (Hey,  I like this blessing stuff.  Maybe I should reconsider my position about becoming the next Pope.)  Go forth and multiply, or if you don’t enjoy math, read a good book.  (I’d start with THE PRESLEY PLOT!)  I wish you well and would remind you of one salient fact…..  Please remember that the difference between a rut and a grave is the length and depth!

Viaggio in pace, my fellow pilgrims…..    Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

March 10, 2013

DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE!

OOPS, TOO LATE… NOW YOU HAVE TO READ MY ENTIRE BLOG POST…

SO….. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or smart phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?  Well, almost no one.  CNN reports that there are 500 “sightings” per month, but alas, most are aircraft (earthly ones) or weather balloons.  I recently read that both Jimmy Carter and Dennis Kucinich are among the political class who swear to have seen a UFO.  Somehow, this does not surprise me.  I always wondered where their “home districts” really were.

Of course, there is another explanation… perhaps our intergalactic visitors have been furloughed due to the sequester?  Takes a lot of fuel to go from Mars to Earth, and then there are the tolls.  Not an easy trip.  (The AAA map weighs 75 pounds!)

Well, in any case, I am not interested in heading north.  No sir, my motto this week was “Go west, young man!”  Heeding the words of Horace Greeley, I packed up the old Ford pickup and drove west, bound for a sold-out book signing/speaking engagement in the lovely town of Wimberley, Texas.  (No, I did not go to Wimberley on a whim!)

I was actually invited, and I must admit, Wimberley is quite whimsical in a wonderful way.  (Whew!)  This was not my first trip to the lovely burgh, but the last time I was there I went swimming in the famous “blue hole,” a charming, spring-fed spot on Cypress Creek.  If you haven’t seen this little gem, you owe it to yourself to take a drive out yonder.  (If you go in April, you will see some truly amazing fields of Texas wildflowers.)  Did you know that they named a flower after Dennis Rodman?  (It’s called a “bloomin’ idiot!”)

So what else is new…..  Well, last night we celebrated not one, but two birthdays!  Miss Barbara (Talbott) and Miss Patty (Yanoff) reached an important milestone.  (Actually, they are both several miles down the road, if you know what I mean.)  Together with a large crowd of well-wishers (led by Judge Susan, and Helena and Lee Bomblatus) we ate, drank, made merry.  (Merry was our waitress.)  Thank God she didn’t complain about my tip.  Geez, that would have been embarrassing!

During the birthday festivities, Judge Susan gave me a box of cheese pockets from a famous Dallas bakery (No, I will NOT post the name…. the lines are getting too long!) and as I peck away, I am devouring the last tender morsels of my morning treat.  Bless you, Susan.

I will be sharing a beer or two with Larry Brill on Tuesday, so if you would like to meet this (semi) famous television personality, or learn about his forthcoming literary efforts, drop by North by Northwest around 5 p.m.  (We should still be erect by then.)

After my sterling (make that silver-plated) performance at the poker table last week, I will be putting my title on the line this evening…. as I play in another W.S.O.P. tournament, challenged, as it were, by a host of pretenders-to-the-throne.  Knaves!  Varmints!  Visigoths!  (What the hell is that?)  Do these fools really think they can beat the mighty COBRA?   Have they read THE PRESLEY PLOT?  Have they read MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE?   (I couldn’t think of any other way to get the book titles into the blog.)  Never mind, those are just rhetorical questions.

I will leave you with a thought I recently had.  As I was driving back from Wimberly, I spotted a herd of cattle.  Have you heard of cattle?  I digress… So as I’m driving down the highway, I says to myself, “Steve, I says, who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out.’ ”   Now there’s a fellow I’d like to meet.  (Need I mention that he had a “lot of pull?”)  Got Milk?

Well, I must run… another grueling day of writing, eating, drinking, and poker awaits the mighty Cobra!  I hope everyone has a great week….   don’t forget to set your clocks ahead or back, depending on your political persuasion.  Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

 

 

March 8, 2013

THE COBRA IS KING!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE…..  I THOUGHT ELVIS WAS THE KING??

Well, as it turns out, Elvis was the king of rock ‘n’ roll, but THE MIGHTY COBRA is now the king of poker!  Ladies and gentlemen, modesty prevents me from talking about myself, so I’ve decided to write a 10-page blog about my recent accomplishment.  Wait!  Don’t leave!  I was just kidding!  (I think I can adequately describe my victory in 5 or 6 full length pages.)  Then again, the goal is not to put my blog followers to sleep, so perhaps I shall present the abbreviated version of my glorious victory…..

Last night, poker history was made (up) when yours truly, playing professional poker as the dreaded COBRA, slithered back upon his throne, capturing FIRST PLACE at the Main Event of the W.S.O.P.  (Waterloo Series Of Poker)  The venue, located just south of Las Vegas, was filled with the world’s best poker players, representing every crook and cranny, I mean nook and cranny, in this great card playing country of ours.  Why there were people from all 51 states, 12 European nations, two third-world countries, and Arkansas!  Yes sir, that joint was jumpin’!

For those of you that care (mainly my relatives) the going was tough, but as you know, when the going gets tough, the tough get lucky.  I can tell you one thing, they do not make men like me any more.  (Thank God.)  I managed to survive the first round by getting an ace-high flush on the flop.  (Unfortunately for Miss Kathleen, a/k/a “Mean Kathleen The Poker Machine,” she also had a flush, but a lower one.)  I was catapulted onto the final table (actually, I tripped) by winning a huge pot from one of the great poker stars of Texas…..  Ms. Sharon “Bad Barth” Barth.  Sharon had a good hand, but I “rivered” a full house…..  kings over tens!

The final table, now covered in cold, hard cash, spilled beer, and dabs of ketchup, was a real doozy.  As some of you know, they bring the cash out in a wheelbarrow, surrounded by scantily clad, voluptuous young ladies.  (All of them virgins.)  Well, maybe not all of them.  Anyway, when the smoke cleared (the dealer was also dealing marijuana) there were three of us left standing.  All right, we were sitting, but you get the point.  Surrounded by lights, cameras, and action (I told you they weren’t all virgins) the Cobra dispatched a young gun named “Billy The Kidder.”  (I made a straight on the river!)  That pot, believe it or not, contained about $400,000 in chips!  The young lad kept calling my bets, but the old snake taught him a good lesson about respecting one’s elders.  The final hand of the night, saw the mighty Cobra win another huge pot ($600,000 in chips!) when he was blessed with TWO KINGS in the hole, and triumphed over his opponent’s straight draw.

Sooooooo……  as you can see, our little tale is truly about TWO KINGS…… Elvis and me, and those lovely cards!  Now that I am filthy rich (some say just filthy) I intend to slow down and enjoy life.  Sadly, I realized that I was already retired and completely slowed down, so I have to come up with another game plan.  If you have any ideas about jobs or work, please keep them to yourself.  (The doctor said no stress.)  I shall, as they say, muddle through on my own.  Speaking of muddling….. did you know that on this very day, in 1956, Elvis Presley (The subject of that famous mystery novel, THE PRESLEY PLOT) received his second speeding ticket in Memphis, Tennessee?

I am debating whether to conclude this blog.  To be honest, I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not so sure…..

Before I leave, I wish to thank the eminent Dr. Max Talbott for his thoughtful gift… a renewal subscription of my favorite magazine, GARDEN  & GUN!  If you folks want to read a truly marvelous magazine, then this one is for you.  Every article is well written and extremely informative.  Thanks, buddy!

In leaving, I would suggest that you take my advice about filling out medical forms.  When you are wasting away in the doctor’s office, filling out an application for the tenth time, and you come to the place where it says, “Who should we notify in case of an emergency?” ……….  write in “THE DOCTOR!”    (If nothing else, you will receive a free sample of Prozac.)

Enjoy your weekend….   love to all….

Doc Yanoff

March 3, 2013

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

Hey, that sounds like the title of a new mystery novel.  As a matter fact, it is the title of a new mystery novel!  That’s right, folks, book number two in the “Adam Gold Mystery Series” will soon be available to the general public.  Due to popular demand (my mother) the publisher is moving forward with a mid-March release date!  Naturally I will contact you via our blog when the book is available on Amazon.com, but you shouldn’t have long to wait, as we made great progress this week on the cover design.

Fortunately, I was lucky enough to find a wonderful business model.  (Her name is Helga.  I think she’s from one of the Scandinavian countries….. she keeps saying “Nor-way” when I ask for a massage.)  Not to brag, but back in the day, she was a centerfold in Popular Mechanics Magazine.

THE PRESLEY PLOT (book number one in the series) continues to garner rave reviews and sales have been quite good.  If you log onto “Amazon Book Clubs” you will see that the book is one of the best-selling new mysteries of the year!  While you are there, check out the reviews!

AND NOW FOR SOME OTHER NEWS…..   When I’m not writing mystery novels, I like to play poker, but as of late there is a new poker champion in our family.  Once again, the mighty Cobra (my poker name) was defeated by this up-and-coming poker star….. The Corpus Christi Crusher!  (a/k/a Patty Yanoff)    Last Thursday the Crusher won first place in another tournament!  (In so doing, she has now pushed us into a higher tax category….  fortunately, I have stopped paying all taxes.)

Incidentally, both Patty and my sweet mother, Hazel Yanoff, celebrated birthdays this past week.  Both ladies turned 39 (I only repeat what I’m told) and both celebrated with elaborate dinners and lots of gifts.  If I had been in Boca Raton, I would have taken my mom to her favorite restaurant, The Golden Arches.  (a/k/a McDonald’s)

If she keeps eating hamburgers and french fries she’s going to get stuck between the arch!  Nevertheless, Mom is actually 87 years old, so she’s entitled to do whatever the hell she wants to do!

As some of you know, I recently received word that our blog is now in the top 10% of all new blogs for 2012!  According to the folks who keep track of such matters, our blog is now in 43 different countries (not counting Arkansas) and we have approximately 3,700 followers!  Wow, what can I say except Thank You!  None of these accomplishments would have been possible without your loyal support and continued interest.  (I intend to take each and every one of you to Hollywood with me!)

In closing, I would like to run something by you…… another one of my deep thoughts…..    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests???   Don’t groin, I mean groan, just think about it.  Send your replies (with some money) to P.O. Box 1600, Washington, D.C.  (They need the loot more than I do!)

Have a wonderful and safe week…..  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

February 24, 2013

THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!

NO, I AM NOT REFERRING TO THE LOOMING SEQUESTRATION!  (Or as we Texans call it, “Loom and Gloom.”)  Rather, I refer to that incredible show of planetary instability, a/k/a the Russian Comet!  (Well, maybe I got the ethnic thing wrong, but it was “Russian” toward Earth!)  At the risk of sounding like Chicken Little, who we all know was a “dumb cluck,” I must admit that the meteor shower was quite spectacular.

Did you know that it streaked across China and killed two rice farmers named Wong?  Of course, “two Wongs don’t make a ‘rite,” as they say at NASA.  Furthermore, there was carnage in Siberia.  In fact, three plump vodka drinkers (Siberian Huskies) were also killed.

When the news of a meteor shower reached Texas A & M University, the entire football team ran onto to the field with soap and towels!  The Aggie science department quickly announced that although the comet was white, there was also a black version in the solar system.  (I believe it’s called “Alex Haley’s Comet.)  How exciting!

AND NOW FOR SOME LOCAL NEWS…..     I am delighted to report that my dear friend Sharon Francia (a loyal blog follower) recently returned from Las Vegas, where she is rumored to have wed an ELVIS IMPERSONATOR!  The wedding, and subsequent morning divorce, took place at the Flamingo Hotel & Casino.  Apparently, Ms. Francia was inspired by some reading material in her possession.  (An autographed copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT.)  In any case, we all wish her well, regardless of whether or not she comes up with the bail bond.

I spent a lovely morning with Miss Melinda (Perez) last week.  If you ever need a great massage, this is the lady to call.  While I was there, she told me that I had the body of a much younger man.  (Who is Governor Christie?)  By the way, if you ever need any rehab work, you should try “rolfing,” and I would suggest that you contact Will Ravenel at Castle Hill Fitness.  (Will is known as “The Miracle Worker” here in Austin.)

Finally, for those that have inquired, I successfully rebuffed an attempt by the Chinese Military to hack into my ELVIS PRESLEY BLOG SITE!  Oh, those commie bastards tried their best, but truth, justice, and the American way prevailed!  Beware of this dastardly scheme!  Be vigilant!  You might receive an email from an inscrutable “Medical Researcher” from Rice University!  They might ask if you have any spare change, or a spare rib.  Do not be fooled!  He is just trying to “Shanghai” your funds!

Well, if there are no more questions, I will sign off.  However…  I leave you with a final point to ponder… If Jimmy cracks corn and on one cares, why is there a song about him??   Hmmm…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff