January 27, 2013

BINGLE….. BANGLE….. BUNGLE…..

I REALLY LOVE THE JUNGLE! Believe it or not, these were the opening lyrics to a popular song of the 1930’s. (The second verse was….”Bongo Bongo Bongo, I don’t want to leave the Congo!) If you ask me, these verses were sinfully bad. One might say “vice verses.” It would certainly be difficult to get much verse. By the way, I know a lot about versailles because I went to musical school in upstate New York. (Sing Sing) While I was there I wrote a soap opera. Would you like me to hum a few “bars” All right, enough Sunday morning puns…. let’s move on, as we have a lot of ground to cover. (Fear not, I am a gardener and I’m familiar with ground cover.)

Item One: Hocus pocus, try to focus…. I really am heading for the jungle. After I finish this blog, I will be packing my knapsack with mosquito repellent and Kaopectate! Why for? Because I am heading to the jungles of Belize and Honduras in search of a lost Aztec civilization of cannabis and head-hunters. I do not expect to be successful. (Mainly because the Aztec Indians lived in South America.) Nevertheless, I will be exploring some remote regions with my intrepid band of A.P.E.S. (Austin Poker Enthusiasts & Sailors) Assuming that I am not eaten by a horde of Piranhas, I shall keep you informed of my whereabouts. Those piranha fish are very smart. I hear they’re always in schools. (And they hate to play “hooky.”) Sound dangerous. On a “scale” of one to ten, this will be a ten. If it was a five, it would be a “fin.” (Something fishy about this routine!)

Item two: The book signing that was scheduled for Tegucigalpa has been cancelled due to the fact that our local host (a pleasant drug cartel gentleman) will be incarcerated for the next twenty to thirty years. I’ll let you know if he gets an early release or escapes.

Item three: MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE (my second mystery novel) has just completed the first round of literary scrutiny (i.e., editing) and has been returned to the publisher for a second check. Hopefully, we will still be on track for a publication date of March 1st. (I know your lives are on hold until then.)

Item four: I did not receive an invitation to the Inaugural Ball, so I called the White House to find out why. The receptionist told me not to hold my breath. That made me blue. (Whenever I feel blue, I breathe. Always helps.) Anyway, I missed the big party. Truthfully, I thought the First Lady looked very pretty, but I did not like her new hairdo. (To me it was sort of a “hair-don’t.”) However, she did get some “bangs for her buck.” Cute cut, but she looked like one of the Supremes. (No, not the judges!)

Item five: I only have one thing to say about the debt ceiling problem….. “Money is the roof of all evil.”

Item six: I had a delightful book signing/speaking engagement in the town of Gonzales, which is about an hour south of Austin. If you ever drive down there, check out the Memorial Museum and then head to the historic downtown center. If you enjoy Mexican food (who doesn’t?) grab some lunch at the Matamoros Taco Hut. After eating there you will not need to stop for gas, so I would walk around town and take in the sights. (Gonzales, for you history buffs, is where they had the famous cannon with the banner “Come and take it!” Those Texians were a tough group of boys. (Big shots, too.) The cannon still works, so don’t stick your head into the barrel. (Takes forever to get loose.)

Item six: Congratulations to my dear friend Leigh Ann Woodward, who finished 5th in a MAJOR poker tournament up in Choctaw, Oklahoma. The woman is charming, lovely, and a fierce competitor. Well done, madam! We (your poker buddies in Austin) are very proud of your accomplishment. (Send me some money.)

Item seven: A big American patriotic THANK YOU to Matt Houser, who is soon to be deployed in the service of our country. Matt is the husband of Sarah (Williams) Houser, who was one of my very best students at St. Edward’s University. Sarah and Matt are the type of young folks that make this country great, and I am proud to have them as friends. Best of luck, Matt! (We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.)

Item eight: Another round of thanks to my dearest travel mate Barbara Talbott. (Barbara, as you might know, was “Miss Indiana” during her younger days in Munchie, I mean, Muncie.) She recently bestowed upon thee a very appropriate gift…. a shirt that read…. “Stay Clam And Proofread.” Sad, but true. (I wear it almost every day!)

Item nine: In case you’re keeping track, I have been doing very well at poker. Playing under the nom de plume of “The Cobra,” I finished 5th and 6th in the last two poker tournaments here in lovely Austin. Today, Sunday, I will be playing in the Central Texas Poker Invitational Championship Tournament. (Try fitting all that on a shirt!) The tourney starts at 3 o’clock and should be a lot of fun. (Especially if they let me deal.)

Item ten: This one is going to hurt….. Guess who is ranked number TWO in the overall poker standings??? No, not me. I’m not even in the top ten! However, The Corpus Christi Crusher (a/k/a Patty Yanoff) is ranked number two and very close to taking over the top spot! I tell you folks, life ain’t fair. All of the poker academy graduates…… Max, Barbara, Susan, Jeff, Jorene, Sharon, etc…… Well, they are all playing better than the snake! What’s up with that?

Well, dear friends and followers, I must bid you adieu. I see a stack of pancakes with my name on it, so duty calls! Have a wonderful week and try to laugh a little.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 20, 2013

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

REMEMBER THE ALAMO! REMEMBER THE MAINE! REMEMBER YOUR P.I.N. NUMBER! BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY….. REMEMBER THAT BOOK TITLE!!

Why, you might ask, should you remember a book title? Because…. this is the title (without the exclamation point) of my new “Adam Gold Mystery,” soon to be published by the good folks at Aberdeen Bay Publishing back east. Yes, that’s right! Book number two is on the way! Even as we speak, bookstores around the nation are clearing out their shelves to make room for my latest venture into the dark, underbelly of criminal enterprise! (NO, I haven’t written a book about Washington, D.C.) I am referring to the violent, bullet-strewn world of high risk insurance. (Dang, I’m starting to scare myself!) So where are we in this publishing process of ours?

Well, for the past week, I have been PROOFWEEDING my manuscript. (Just joking, folks.) However, this time, I intend to do my job BEFORE the book gets published. As some of you know, I was in the jungle (NO, not Newark) when THE PRESLEY PLOT galleys were sent to me, and because I was trying to avoid headhunters and cannibals, I neglected to scrutinize each and every page. Well, this time I stayed home, locked the doors, turned off the cell phone, and fell asleep…. but, after I awoke, I went to work and “cleaned up” the manuscript. The cover is almost finished, and it is simple marvelous. An eye-catching masterpiece! A work of art! In short, I think it will knock your socks off. (Your shoes, too.)

The publisher recently sent me my year-end blog statistics, as published by WordPress.com. Thanks to a fantastic group of followers (YOU!) I landed in the top 10% of all newly created blogs in 2012! Wow, that is simply mind-boggling. In complete seriousness, I wish to thank the 4,000 people who have taken the time to sign on to my blog this past year, and the 10,000 who have viewed a post more than once. I am overwhelmed by the response, and wish I could personally thank each and every person! It is, again in all seriousness, rather flattering and encouraging to a relatively new author like me. So….. THANK YOU!

BY THE WAY…. our blog can now be seen, and has a substantial following, in over 40 countries world-wide! The top five countries in 2012 were…. The United States, Canada, England, France, and Australia. (All countries I love!) Our newest subscribers came from….. Pakistan, Algeria, and South Korea. (Welcome aboard!) The “universal” mix of followers is quite interesting to me, so I thought I might share some other (non-book) statistics with you…..

IF YOU COULD FIT THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE WORLD INTO A VILLAGE CONSISTING OF 100 PEOPLE (maintaining the proportions of all the people living on Earth) THAT VILLAGE WOULD CONSIST OF……

57 ASIANS….. 21 EUROPEANS….. 14 AMERICANS (North, Central & South)….. and 8 AFRICANS. Isn’t that interesting? (Now you see the importance of translating THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE into Chinese!) I just read somewhere that we are all part Asian. Apparently, we have 24 useful ribs (12 on each side of the rib cage) plus one “spare rib!” (Ouch, that hurt!) No “bones” about it!

Speaking of ribs…. I ate at two great restaurants recently….. If you live in Austin (or come to visit) you must try SPIN Modern Thai Cuisine and THE BONNEVILLE. The Thai restaurant has amazing dishes (but no bow-Thais) and The Bonneville has an incredible short rib dish, and many other amazing treats, as well as a terrific location in downtown Austin. (And very interesting cocktails!) I can heartily recommend both establishments, and I predict great things for both restaurants! You vegans out there should try some real food! Just remember what my grandpappy used to say….. “Them thar health nuts are going to feel mighty stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” (What can I say, the man was a genius.)

Well, next Sunday I will bring you up-to-date on my progress with MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. I will also tell you about my upcoming expedition to the jungles of Honduras and Belize! (Believe it or not, I’m heading back into the bush!) Stay tuned, do not touch that internet dial, and we shall meet back here next week! Until then, I wish you safe travels and much happiness. Class dismissed! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 13, 2013

THE KING OF CLUBS! (BOOK CLUBS)

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS TALKING ABOUT POKER AGAIN! AU CONTRAIRE! (Although there remains some doubt as to whether I am “playing with a full deck!”)

I am happy to report that this week was “Book Club Week” here at the Ponderosa Ranch. On Monday I had the pleasure of driving down to lovely La Grange, Texas, a charming village approximately 65 miles southeast of Austin. Whence I arrived, I was warmly welcomed at the Texas Czech Heritage and Cultural Center. (There were no “bad Czechs” present!) After a rather brilliant oration, I moseyed on over to Weikel’s Bakery (for a homemade kolache) and then stopped briefly at Prause Meat Market (to sample the smoldering pits!) and pump out my stomach. I was fortunate to meet the mayor of the town, and during our conversation, I suggested a “town motto.” (I.E., “Keep Austin Weird”) Every town has one, I said to his honor. So….. I suggested this little doosey….. “The Range near La Grange ain’t too Strange!” (I’ve been waiting for my first royalty check from the city fathers, and just to be nice, I offered to accept payment in kolaches.)

AND NOW FOR A SHORT COMMERCIAL BREAK…… On Tuesday I had one of the very best deep tissue massages of my life! (Courtesy of Ms. Rebecca Lee, my jet setter daughter who is off to Hawaii and Japan on Tuesday) If you live in Austin, you must contact the one and only Melinda Perez (melindaperez.lmt@gmail.com) and you will not be disappointed! The young lady is simply divine! (I should know, because I have been touched by many women (the price of fame) and because when I was a lad, I wanted to be a massage therapist!) However, they told me that I “rubbed people the wrong way,” so I did not purse my rubbing license. Ah well, Melinda is much better.

FAST FORWARD TO THURSDAY! (Evening) Another stellar (actually, cellar) performance….. this time at the most famous and influential book club in LAKEWAY! Due to popular demand (and a slow week) my agent, Black Bart Berkowitz, was able to “book me” at the Lakeway mansion of Mrs. Jaime Rubenstein, the leading Grand Dame of Literature in the Central Texas area. My goodness, what a treat! The dear woman served a formal sit-down dinner (with chairs!) in her beautiful dining room, complete with high quality wines (with corks!) superb place settings (with forks!) and a meal fit for….. a KING! (Obviously a reference to the book we discussed….. THE PRESLEY PLOT.) It was not easy being surrounded by good food and wine, and a roomful of women hanging on my every word, but I managed to maintain my composure, keep most of my clothes on, and deliver another sterling performance. (the forks were sterling, too.) I wish to thank Madame Rubenstein for arranging this wonderful event. A fine time was had by all!

SPEAKING OF FINE TIMES…… Happy Birthday Wishes to Jill Crocker and Carol Yondola Finkelstein, two lovely ladies who are celebrating their 39th birthday this week! (Did I get the age thing right, ladies?)

AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF BIRTHDAYS…… Last Tuesday was ELVIS PRESLEY’S birthday. If the King had lived, do you know how old he would be? (Better sit down for this one) Incredibly, Elvis would be 78 years old! Yikes, how time flies when you’re having fun!

AND SPEAKING OF FUN….. The famous art department at Aberdeen Bay Publishers came up with a “knock-out” book cover for my second mystery novel, titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. I simply loved the initial design, and was blown away by how it caught the eye. (No hints!) However, I can tell you that the cover is very mysterious (duh) and very unusual in a good sense. If I am permitted to do so, I will post a “rough draft” of the cover on a future blog.

Finally, since several of my brilliant blog followers have inquired about upcoming projects, let me share some news with thee….. The third “Adam Gold” mystery (DEVIL’S COVE) is being professionally edited as we speak, and it should be at the typist some time around March 15th, 2013. The fourth book in the series, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, is being written at a slightly slower pace, not because of “writer’s block,” but because I am busy putting the finishing touches on my first NON-FICTION book, THE SECOND MOURNING. (THE UNTOLD STORY OF AMERICA’S MOST BIZZARE POLITICAL MURDER) God willing, the non-fiction book will be published some time during the summer. I think you folks are really going to enjoy this one, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I (finally) won the Pulitzer Prize. (Depends on the dang judges.) I wish there was a way to bribe those dudes.

Anyway, I digress. I trust I have answered your various inquiries. Please keep those cards and letters (and royalty checks) coming. I do appreciate your blog loyalty and look forward to chatting with you again in the very near future.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 9, 2013

* NEWS ALERT * YANOFF WEIGHS RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016! * NEWS ALERT *

HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE TO WEIGH TO BE PRESIDENT? Never mind, if I run, I’ll lose weight. Since I’m fed up with both political parties, I have decided to accept the nomination of my new political group, The Texas Iced Tea Party. (Our motto: WE ARE “COOLER” THAN THOSE OTHER GUYS! ) In honor of ELVIS PRESLEY’S BIRTHDAY (which was actually yesterday, but what difference does a day make?) I would like to share my very first (self-written) political speech with all of my blog followers. Please take a moment to read and digest (or throw up) my thoughts…… I think you will see that I am cut from a different cloth. You are, of course, welcome to send in your comments and suggestions (which I will ignore) or if you insist, you may make a large contribution to my campaign. (which I will spend on tequila.) So, without further comment, I give you a sample of my political brilliance……….

“ANYTHING WORTH WINNING IS WORTH CHEATING FOR”

(A Political Speech)

Good morning, my fellow Americans. In the words of another great political leader, I have come to bury my opponent, not to praise him! As you know,

I am running against a person of INFINITE worth, but I have vowed to conduct myself with the utmost DUPLICITY, even if my opponent continues to

act in a SCRUPULOUS manner. Yes, my friends, I intend to rise above petty, PARTISAN politics, and seize the high ground ….. where I can openly

DISPARAGE my INCONSEQUENTIAL rival. Fellow citizens, these are the times that try men’s souls! And speaking of trials, I’d like to mention that

I’ve been ACQUITTED of all those CREDIBLE charges that were leveled against me. While I don’t hold a grudge, I’d like to shed some light on my

opponent’s SALUBRIOUS background. In response to an IMPRUDENT question, he recently acknowledged that he was, in fact, a HOMO SAPIEN.

Furthermore, he confessed to engaging in HETEROSEXUAL activities since puberty! I shall not pass judgement on this NATURALISTIC behavior.

However, I think it’s important to remind you that my opponent has frequently engaged in social INTERCOURSE….. often at dinner parties, surrounded

by aides!

Recently, he was seen MASTICATING at a crowded restaurant in San Francisco! Later that evening, while EXPOUNDING on one of his pet projects, he

began to GESTICULATE before a group of Girl Scouts! Revealing his true nature, he offered to have a PLATONIC relationship with one of the scouts.

I hate to point out the obvious, but my opponent has become a PROPREIETOR!

Now friends, I’ve always been known as a DISINGENUOUS man, but I can only be pushed so far. Did you know that my opponent’s wife once held a missionary

position? Did you know that she was arrested for being a PROSELYTE? My God, the woman has actually written a pamphlet about religious SECTS!

As you might expect, her PIETY has led to a MONOGAMOUS relationship with her spouse. In my humble opinion this is nothing short of marital FIDELITY,

and can only lead to NUPTIAL bliss. My, how their poor children have FLOURISHED from this union. The daughter has recently become a THESPIAN, and

according to published reports, she is performing her little act in front of paying customers! Last summer, she traveled to Holland….. a country filled with dikes.

I’m told that while she was still abroad she became involved with a MENAGERIE, and would RUMINATE in front of caged PRIMATES!

Apparently, the son is cut from the same PEERLESS cloth, for he too has decided to ESCHEW promiscuity and remain in the company of CHASTE individuals.

Furthermore, he has enrolled in college and MATRICULATES on a daily basis, often surrounded by young coeds! I’m no saint, but if he EMULATES one of those

young ladies, he should be CASTIGATED!

Ladies and gentlemen, I know you must be shocked by these BANAL and MUNDANE activities, but I can assure you that all of my statements have been completely

FABRICATED and are thoroughly FATUOUS. I implore you to turn away from my opponent’s CANDOR and VERACITY, and cast you vote for me, a MISCREANT

who is undeniably VAPID. I thank you for your APATHY and indifference, and remind you to vote early and vote often!

GOD BLESSS AMERICA IF I’M ELECTED!

THE (SEMI) HONORABLE, STEPHEN G. YANOFF (I)

January 6, 2013

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

(AND I DON’T MIND IF YOU STAND UP AND SHOUT IT!)

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure (and more money) to inform you that Aberdeen Bay Publishing has just (yesterday) agreed to publish…… my second mystery novel!

Yes, it’s true! The second “Adam Gold Mystery” will be available to the general public (and certain penal institutions) on or about MARCH 1, 2013!

For those of you on the Pulitzer Committee, the name of this book is…… MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. As some of you know, Maiden Lane is located in the Financial District of Lower Manhattan. In fact, the lovely lane is right around the corner from my old insurance office on John Street. Maiden Lane has quite a checkered past (much like my high school girlfriend) but is most famous for two things…… being in the heart of the “high risk” insurance neighborhood, and being the home of Captain Kidd, the famous American pirate.

AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF PIRATES……. I shall now share with you the exact “book cover blurb” that will appear on the back cover of the new book…. right above my new and improved photograph….. (Let me know if it grabs your attention!) If so, you can grab the book on Amazon.com when it becomes available……. All right, here goes…….

“WHILE EXCAVATING A VACANT LOT IN LOWER MANHATTAN, WORKERS UNEARTH A 300-YEAR-OLD SKELETON AND SOME COINS THAT MIGHT BE PART OF A PIRATE TREASURE. THE DISCOVERY HALTS THE CONSTRUCTION OF A SKYSCRAPER, DRAWING THE IRE OF CORRUPT POLITICIANS, GREEDY DEVELOPERS, AND THE MAFIA. IT ALSO ATTRACTS THE ATTENTION OF A MYSTERIOUS YOUNG WOMAN WHO CLAIMS TO BE A DESCENDANT OF A FAMOUS PIRATE….. A WOMAN WHO IS WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HER HANDS ON THE TREASURE!”

Well, there you have it. The cover is in the “design phase” as we speak, and will be a bold presentation of color and content. (Much like me) If I get an opportunity, I will post some of the first designs to give my blog followers a sense of how a fiction book is put together. I think you will find the process quite interesting.

AND NOW FOR SOME OTHER NEWS……. CONGRATULATIONS to Ms. Rebecca Lee Yanoff, who has a brand new position in Austin. A commercial development project coordinator for a prestigious local firm that is about to build the very first “high end” luxury day spa in the city! Rebecca’s responsibilities are numerous, and in order to build an authentic Japanese facility, the firm is sending her (and the marketing genius) to ………. Hawaii and Japan! Yep, you read that right. My little girl will be spending four or five days in MAUI (Wowee!) and then fly to TOKYO AND OSAKA to interview some of the leading Asian spa owners on the island. The idea is to see and learn what makes a world-class facility. When the Austin project is complete, they want Rebecca to manage (and partially own!) the spa. So…… hooray for Rebecca-san! (But remember, no blow fish!)

A big shout out and congratulations also to Mr. Adam Zell…… the First Place Winner of the “River Place New Year Poker Championship!” Adam played very well and beat some terrific poker players (including me!) on his way to the final heads-up competition. It was looking grim until the lad got lucky on the river and pulled a Jack of clubs, giving him a very sweet flush! He won a substantial amount of money. (None of which he shared with me!) What’s up with that?

More congratulations to one of my long-time blog followers……. Mrs. Rita York-Hennecke…… the beautiful daughter of the beautiful Portuguese Princess Helena Bomblatus. Rita has recently discovered that she is “with child,” as they say in Kansas. Her pregnancy is wonderful news! I’m sure she will have a gorgeous baby. (If she has a boy, I think “Stephen” would be a wonderful name. Just saying.) Best wishes to Rita and Mike!

FOR MY ADORING ELVIS FANS……. (OR SHOULD I SAY, “ADORABLE”) ……. DID YOU KNOW…… That on this day in 1957, Elvis made the last of his three appearances on the Ed Sullivan Show? (Which was filmed at the Maxine Elliot Theatre on W. 39th Street.) I used to go there when I was a youngster, but I missed this show. Too bad. The King sang “Hound Dog.” “Don’t Be Cruel,” “Love Me Tender,” and “Heartbreak Hotel.” Wow! Imagine hearing the big guy sing all four of those classics! (By the way, this is the infamous performance where the network would only film Elvis from the waist up!) Just think of how far we’ve come (descended) from those days! Now all television is a “waist.” (Waste) Incidentally, after the show, which was a “really big show,” Elvis took the midnight train home to Memphis! Well, at least he was on the “right track” back then! Amusing to think that there were no flights to Memphis at the time.

In closing, I would like to tell you that THE PRESLEY PLOT has now been purchased (and hopefully read!) in 40 different countries around the globe! God Bless the internet! We should all be grateful to Al (Jazeera) Gore for inventing the darn thing in his spare time. Thanks to the world wide web, great literature (and my books) can be shared with uneducated heathens and unrepentant criminals in all four corners of the globe! (By the way, how can a globe have corners? The dang thing is round! Just saying.)

Well, I wish you a happy and healthy week and a wonderful post-New Year period. Drop me a line when you can, and thanks again for following my weekly rant.

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

December 30, 2012

THE GANG THAT COULDN’T SHOOT STRAIGHT!

WELL, NOW THAT WE FIND OURSELVES TEETERING ON THE EDGE OF A FINANCIAL APOCALYPSE….. IT’S TIME FOR…..SOME HUMOR!!

(Hey, laughter is the best medicine, remember?) All right, I was just trying to envision the upcoming Senate hearings…. The hearings that will determine our next Secretary of the Treasury (assuming that Timothy Geithner is run out of town.) Sooooo…. perhaps it’s time to turn over the reins of government to a couple of “Marxists.” (Stay with me on this one!) Here goes:

GROUCHO: Wake up, Chicoletti. How would you like to be the next Secretary of the Treasury?

CHICO: I don’t think so. My legs are too hairy.

GROUCHO: What’s your view of the fiscal picture?

CHICO: That was a good movie.

GROUCO: Come again?

CHICO: “A Fiscal Full of Dollars.” Eastwood in Deadwood.

GROUCHO: (Sighing) What can you tell me about currency?

CHICO: Well, I currency live in New York.

GROUCHO: No, you idiot, I’m referring to dollars!

CHICO: My cousin lives in Dallas

GROUCHO: I’m talking about taxes!

CHICO: Yeah, that’s where he lived. Dollars, taxes.

Ah, if only George S. Kaufman and the gang were alive today! What a (W.C.) field day they would have with Washington, D.C. So…….since we are on the subject of “political theatre,” I would like to give you my take on some recent issues in the press…..

My high school buddy, Pete Weisberg, read that President Obama recently won a man date! (Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just saying.)

My Republican sweetheart (Barbaroo Talbott) heard that Eric Holder has already asked for one exemption to the upcoming “assault weapons ban.” (Eric the Red wants to exempt all Mexican Drug Cartels!) Si?

I just heard on the news that the Russians have banned all American adaptations! Commie bastards. (There goes my screenplay of “THE PRESLEY PLOT!”)

I was out of town when the Mayan Apocalypse occurred. Does anybody know if the world actually ended? Just drop me a line, so I can adjust my schedule accordingly.

SPEAKING OF WORLD CHANGING EVENTS….. Some of my (more) alert blog followers have inquired about last week’s WATERLOO POKER CHAMPIONSHIPS. NO, I DID NOT WIN! However, (you’d better sit down) Patty Yanoff, a/k/a “The Corpus Christi Crusher,” WON FIRST PLACE AND A WHEELBARROW FULL OF CASH!!! Yep, you have read correctly. The wife actually won the whole darn tournament! (Without cheating!) I would have been very proud of the dear woman, except for one thing. She kept the wheelbarrow and gave the money to charity! (How selfish is that!) I normally split my winnings with her, but not any more! Jeez, giving money to charity? Really? (Poor girl is clueless!)

AND FOR YOU ELVIS DIE-HARDS…… Did you know that on this day, in 1957, the album “Elvis’ Christmas Album” became the NUMBER ONE album in the United States? In my humble view, this is arguably one of the best holiday albums of all time. (Although, Johnny Mathis also put out an amazing album.) I do hope that nobody had a “Blue Christmas!” Which, incidentally, was the King’s FAVORITE Christmas song of all time!

I don’t want to scare anybody, but on this day, in 1862, the U.S.S. Monitor sank! (Back to the fiscal cliff?) Yikes.

Finally, for you literary types, did you know that on this day, in 1816, Shelley married Mary? (I should explain that this would be Percy Bysshe SHELLEY and MARY Wollstonecraft) Two fun people from the nineteenth century. Neither one of them had a sense of humor, but they were above average writers. (No mystery novels.) Well, that’s more than enough academia for one blog, eh? Fine, I shall return to the gutter! I just saw a truly bad movie. “Les Miserables.” It was miserable! Lots of dancing and singing, and very few guillotine scenes. What’s up with that? I wanted to see Hugh Jackman “lose his head” over some French chick. You know, observe a true “slice of life” from the Revolution. I thought the movie was going to be a “cut above,” the usual Hollywood garbage, but I was wrong. (Hey, I could have gone with the director yelling, “CUT!”)

Well, I’d better quit while I’m “ahead.” (Oops!) Sorry about that last one. I hope you all have a HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR! GOD BLESS US ALL!

Love to all….. Doc Yanoff

December 23, 2012

HAPPY, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

WELL, CHRISTMAS IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER! (OR SHOULD I SAY “CHIMNEY?”) ……..

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Hold on a minute….. it was late, so why would a mouse be up? And what was the little guy stirring up? (Besides trouble!) Was our rodent friend making hot chocolate? (Or maybe “Choclate Mouse?”) Hmmm. Very suspicious. I could understand if a cat was up late. Cats love Christmas. (Think Santa “Claws.”) Never mind, “scratch” that joke. I thought I “nailed” my opening, but somethings amiss. (or a mister) I can’t put my “finger” on it, but I think I’m making too many puns. (But you have to admit, I’m so “cuticle!”)

Did you know that this wonderful poem was written by Clement Clarke Moore? (Of the law firm Moore & Moore) Mr. Moore came from a very prominent family. (His father was Benjamin Moore, the Bishop of New York who was famous for swearing at, I mean, swearing in George Washington at his first inauguration.) Just an interesting little piece of holiday trivia.

I’ve had a fun filled week. I placed 4th in the huge “Third Base Poker Extravaganza” held last Monday. (No, I didn’t cheat again.) On Thursday, I went to the movies and saw the new film called “LINCOLN.” I was a little disappointed, because I thought it was going to be about Nebraska. (Who would make a movie about Nebraska?) Anyway, it was about the bearded President who served in the White House during the War of Northern Aggression. (As my sweet Granny used to say!) As we all know, the Civil War began with the Dred Scott Decision. (Scott was a runaway slave who was filled with Dred about returning to the plantation.) So…. fast forward to 1863, and Mr. Lincoln issues the “Emaciation Proclamation,” which freed all of the very thin slaves. (A “weighty” decision, I might add!) The film was vaguely interesting. Did you know that Abe Lincoln was our first Jewish president? (No kidding, I heard that he was shot in the temple!) Ah, the mystery of history!

Anyway, I love Christmas, even though it was somewhat traumatic for me as a child. (I was so ugly that my parents hung me up and kissed the mistletoe!) One night, I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus. (Of course, now that I think about it, it might have been that Lincoln guy!) I do remember a beard. Speaking of James Beard, did you know that the most popular Christmas dinner is turkey? Second is baked ham. We had both in my family, but the Yanoffs were famous for being, I mean, serving fruit cakes. (Who thought of putting candy rocks in a cake?) This holiday season will be a gourmet delight for me…. Last night, the gracious and lovely Jaime Rubenstein (and her skinny husband, Gary) hosted a wonderful Chanukah party at their beautiful new home in Lakeway. Great fun, great food, great company! We also had a “white elephant” gift exchange, which was rather humorous. (Some crazy lady brought a hand made basket woven from old straw remnants!)

Speaking of crazy ladies….. (OR SHALL I SAY, LADIES THAT I AM CRAZY ABOUT!) …… Mrs. Barbara Talbott will be hosting her annual Christmas Eve Food, Bourbon, and Poker Winter Solstice & Pre-Cruise Festival on Monday evening, and I can’t wait! Last year we had food fit for a king. Actually, she brought in Burger King, but it was very tasty. (I got a large order of fries!) This year she will be conjuring up (is that the right word?) a special treat….. Flash Fried Fruit Cake Fritters. (Yummy)

On a serious note, Barbara’s husband, Max, lost his Dad recently. I have posted a link on a previous post, so if you want to learn what a real American hero is all about, check it out. (I posted part of the obituary) If you missed it, Mr. James Talbot, 88, passed away on 12/12/12! A special date for a very special man. Mr. Talbott served with incredible distinction during World War II (with his twin brother!) and was awarded (from the U.S. Army) not only THE BRONZE STAR but also the COMBAT INFANTRY BADGE and several other awards. As they say, they just don’t make men like him anymore. Thanks for keeping us free!

FOR MY ELVIS FANS…… Please note that on this day, in 1954, young Elvis was stopped for speeding in Shreveport, Louisiana. (Who would want to speed through lovely Shreveport?) The big guy was driving home for Christmas, and he only had a few bucks in his pocket. That was the problem. The officer wanted to know why Elvis was walking round with deer in his pockets. Hey, do you think they were reindeer? Anyway, Elvis got off with a warning and made it home in time to buy his Mama and Daddy a nice gift. I think he bought them Rhode Island. Other than that, nothing much happened on this date. By the way, I think the parents went back to the mall and returned Rhode Island. (Wrong size. Too small.)

Well, my dear family, friends, and fans, it is time to consume my pre-Christmas breakfast buffet. That being the case, I shall wish each and every one of you a joyous holiday and a very Merry Christmas! In the words of Tiny Tim (The one from Charles Dickens) “Hey, can I borrow a couple of pounds? I’m a little short.” One last question…. if Tiny Tim had a cold, do you think we would “Cratchit?”

“God bless us, every one!” (The REAL quote!)

Doc Yanoff

December 9, 2012

MARKETING 101 (HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE)

WHAT IS GREEN AND SINGS? GIVE UP? ….. ELVIS PARSLEY! (Hey, I could have gone with “Frank Snot-tra!) Well, in any case, this was my opening joke at the Austin Senior Center last week. Would you believe that a 90-year-0d woman told me it was lame! (She was a little lame, herself) As some of you know, I occasionally volunteer at the center. I am a C.T.C. (Certified Trip Chaperon) We bring 30 seniors on a field trip and then (ideally) return the same 30 seniors to the center. Every so often someone wanders away and then we have an awkward situation. (I personally just pick up a hitchhiker or two and then drop them off at the center.) They only count heads. (Sometimes tails.) Anyway, I love speaking to seniors. They are always the best audience and the most interesting folks. Some of the octogenarians are poor poker players, but it’s nice knowing that they only have to wait one month to get reimbursed for their losses. What a great country we live in!

I would like to extend a hardy “buenos dias” to Helena Mont’ Alverne de Sequeira and Countess Connie, the two lovely ladies that have promoted THE PRESLEY PLOT in Portugal! These two women are Lesbonians. (From Lisbon?) They are both members of the “Awesome Azores Elvis Fan Club,” one of the largest fan clubs in that part of the world! Welcome to America, ladies! I look forward to dining with you during the upcoming week. (No sardines, though!)

Last Thursday I had the honor and pleasure of speaking before the River Place Book Club here in Austin, Texas. My goodness, what a fun event that was! The speaking engagement and book signing was hosted by the lovely and talented Mrs. Claudia Tobias. Mrs. “T” has a beautiful home overlooking one of our magnificent canyons, and this being the holiday season, the entire house was decorated with Christmas ornaments. The place looked great! So cheerful and warm. I held court (after one very strong Mimosa) for two hours, and during that time, the ladies of the group asked some truly insightful and intelligent questions. (No, they did not ask for my PIN numbers!) These ladies were highly educated and very well read, and I absolutely loved the questions they asked. In all honesty, this was one of my most enjoyable outings. Sooooo…… I would like to say thanks again to my good friend Claudia, and I would also like to say “howdy” to all of the wonderful women that were present….. Pat, Suzanne, Lois, Sharon, Pam, Betty, Kay, Sylvia, Betsey, and Donna D.

AND NOW FOR YOU ELVIS FANS…… Did you know that on or near this date in 1972, Elvis Presley went shopping (Not at Barton Creek Mall) and spent more money than my own wife does on one of her mad dash outings? True enough, folks. The King spent $10,000 for 5 jumpsuits, 5 silk shirts, and repairs to 8 other jumpsuits. That, my friends, is a lot of money to spend on jumpsuits and silk, considering that Elvis never went sky-diving. He did “jump” to conclusions now and then. He also had several “leaps of faith.” And yes, he “fell” for many women. God, when will these puns ever end?? Well, shoot (chute?) I should stop while I’m ahead.

Several of my blog followers have asked when MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE will be available. (The second “Adam Gold Mystery.”) God willing, I should hear something this coming week, and as soon as I do, I will pass the news along. My publicist will be doing some holiday advertising in our local newspapers, so if you live in Texas, you might just see my face or image in your newspaper. If you can’t wait, just head on down to the post office. They have a very flattering mug shot, I mean, head shot, of me on display. (I don’t care for those profile photos.)

Finally, since this is the first day of Hanukkah, I would like to wish all of my Jewish friends a joyous week. I don’t think any other Jewish holiday can “hold a candle” to Hanukkah.

Come on, now, that was funny! L’chaim!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

December 2, 2012

THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT!

WHEN I SAY “ENGAGEMENT” I AM REFERRING TO….. Speaking engagements! I have two interesting events scheduled for this coming week. First, I will be regaling an audience of “seasoned citizens” at the Austin Senior Center, which is always fun. Wisdom comes with age. (So do Social Security checks.) On Thursday, I shall be having a delightful brunch with the charming ladies of the River Place Book Club. These wonderful women have invited me to a gourmet feast, followed by a fascinating lecture centered around THE PRESLEY PLOT and my recent foray into the cut-throat world of publishing! The event is being hosted by Claudia Tobias, a truly remarkable woman who donates many long hours to various charitable groups in our community. I think this will be great fun and I am looking forward to a lively discussion. (I know some of these ladies from the River Place Garden Club and they are a smart and worldly group.)

And speaking of smart and lively women….. Leigh Ann Woodward, one of the sweetest and most talented poker players in Texas, recently hosted the 8th Annual Kings & Queens Poker Event at her lovely country estate in Lago Vista last night. I have played in this tournament several times (and done remarkably well, I might add) so I know how much fun it is, and I also know that it attracts some very good poker players. The evening is filled with great drinks, great food, and great company! Unfortunately, I could not play this year, but I am anxious to hear who won. In any case, Leigh Ann should be congratulated for throwing one of the best Christmas-time events of the season!

Since I have been writing about South Africa recently, I think I should mention that we now have 12 new blog followers in that fascinating country! G’day mates! (Australian is as close as I can come!) Rachel (my daughter) and Adam (the son-in-law) recently returned from your beautiful country and they loved it! Of course, being related to me, you might expect one or two (how shall I put this?) “Mishaps.” For instance, when they went to Robben Island to view Nelson Mandela’s jail cell, the guard told them that “Nelson spent 18 years on this island.” Rachel, being a chip off the old block, asked, “Which one, Ricky or David?” Adam wasn’t much better. He told the guard that if Mandela had been Jewish they wouldn’t have kept him in a jail cell. (Jewish people eat “locks.”) And so it went…… Surprisingly, we still have diplomatic relations with South Africa.

AND NOW FOR SOME ELVIS PRESLEY NEWS….. I have some very exciting news for all of my fans and blog followers….. THE PRESLEY PLOT has been chosen to receive a “full book review,” by the international website called AMAZON BOOK CLUBS! This is really great news for me, and once the review is posted, it should attract world-wide attention. The Amazon Book Club selections are seen by millions of readers throughout the world and they are also posted on just about every social website known to man. (or woman) I am very excited about this development and I will keep you posted of my progress. I should get a “first draft” sometime within the next two weeks. Just between you and me, this sort of makes up for losing the Nobel Prize for Literature to that Ecuadorian Llama rancher. (I’d like to “pull the wool” over that guy sometime!) All right, I have to stop being bitter. Just let it go. Keep moving forward. (But come on, a book about Montezuma’s revenge? Really?)

Incidentally, just to keep you in the loop, I will (unless there is breaking news) be posting one blog per week from now on. (No cheering, please.) My writing commitments (the ones I get paid for!) have recently grown experimentally, I mean, exponentially. In short, there are not enough hours in the day! (I think we’re stuck at 24) I for one would vote for a longer day and a shorter night, but that’s just me. In any case, I just don’t have enough time to produce such mind-boggling brilliance twice a week and still play poker. I hope I have not disappointed anyone. You must go on with your lives. Forget about me. (Not entirely, though) We shall still meet each and every Sunday! (One more thing to pray for!)

So….. until next Sunday….. I wish you joy and happiness. (Aren’t those the same things?)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

November 28, 2012

MAKING HISTORY, PART II

IN MY HUMBLE VIEW….. Making history is almost as much fun as making whoopee. (I said almost.) I am referring, of course, to the re-publishing of THE PRESLEY PLOT. I am very happy to report that Aberdeen Bay Press has sent me the official notification and that the newly revised version will be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, and other sites in about two or three weeks. As I believe I previously mentioned, they already have a standing (or sitting) order for 225 copies, so if you need some books for the holidays, do not delay ordering. After they’re gone you will have to wait… I have a little gout, I mean, clout, but even I have to wait in line. (Oh, the injustice of it all!)

Several of my loyal devotees have asked about the American Queen riverboat cruise. (The Elvis-themed excursion leaving from New Orleans.) Well….. here I was, preparing my brilliant lecture on Tupelo, when lo and behold we hit a snag. (Not the boat, me) The snag was the river itself! Have you read about our drought in this part of the country? Lake Austin (here in lovely Austin, Texas) is only 40% full! If my math is correct, that means its almost 60% empty! Yikes! What the hell did Al Gore do?

Anyway, no water means no riverboating, no riverfloating, and no rivergloating. What can I say? For the first time in American history, the Mighty Mississippi is suffering from low water levels, and it is severely affecting all of the river traffic, both private and commercial vessels! Due to this lack of H2o, I thought it best to reschedule my voyage. I will keep my fellow travelers informed of my whereabouts! (Easy to do with this darn electric ankle bracelet!)

Now for some Elvis news….. Did you know that on this very day, in 1954, Elvis Presley did something very rare? (No, he didn’t go on a diet.) But he did miss two previously scheduled shows that were sold out in Memphis, Tennessee. (Which, I might add, is where Graceland happens to be.) So what happened, you ask? Well, he actually missed his airline connection in Houston! If you have ever flown through Houston, you know how easy this can be. So it seems that we are in good company. I do not know if the airline offered The King any travel compensation, but I’m sure he got several bags of free peanuts. (Maybe even one of his favorite peanut butter snacks!)

Incidentally, a number of my more curious blog followers have asked about Rachel and Adam (my daughter and new son-in-law) and they wanted to know what those two crazy kids thought of Cape Town, South Africa. Well, they loved the place. I have seen some of the photographs, and they are truly amazing. Mountains on one side, the ocean on the other, and the most magnificent flora and fauna you can imagine. (Flora was particularly attractive!) The only “tricky” part of the trip was the safari. On day one they were detained by a horde of pygmies! (But just for a “short” time.) Then they were stopped by headhunters! (But neither needed a job.) Finally, on day three, they were asked to play the drums for a tribe of Ubangi warriors! (The tribesmen kept shouting, “You bangee!” “You bangee!”) Adam finally gave in and banged the damn drum, but as they found out, he marches to the beat of a different drum. In any case, Rachel explained the “big bang theory” to the tribal chieftain and all was well. You can’t “beat” a vacation like that!

Finally, I would like to give a big shout out to Max and Barbara, the President and Vice-President of my Indiana Fan Club For Elvis Authors! They are taking care of some personal business this week, and we wish them well! Also, thanks to Judge Susan for her recent legal work on behalf of my growing literary estate! Another job well done. If you are in or around Salado, Texas next week, look for my mug on a poster. (No, not at the Post Office) I am tentatively engaged to speak at a book club in that charming town. I will send the details later.

Have a wonderful day and please drive carefully. (I keep hearing about a fiscal cliff in front of us.) I will write again soon…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff