GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN…..

NOT MY STOCK PORTFOLIO, ELVIS PRESLEY!  Can you believe that yesterday marked the 37th anniversary of the King’s passing?  Yep, August 16, 1977.  This week, as some of you know, was “Elvis Presley Week,” in Memphis, Tennessee.  This year’s crowd was probably around 500,000, and as usual, they were treated to an assortment of events related to The King of Rock ‘n Roll.  Including, I might add, the opportunity to purchase an autographed copy of my first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG.  (Available at leading bookstores throughout Memphis.)  I understand that sales were quite good, and God-willing, I will be holding a seminar at next year’s event.  Should be interesting!

I’d like to give a big “shout out” to my dearest friends in Memphis….  Ron and Debbie Lazarov.  (Thank you for introducing us to Corky’s barbecue!)  If you ever need a place to stay, call them.  (They only charge $175 per night for a room, but you get a free bottle of water.)

Speaking of great friends, I am very proud of Ms. Terri Schexnayder, my dear friend from the Writers League of Texas.  Terri just had a wonderful article published in Texas Highways Magazine, so if you’re a subscriber, check it out.  (The article is titled “Gone Fishing!” and it starts on page 15.)  Great writing, and some valuable information about the freshwater fishery center in Athens.  I had no idea that Terri went to Greece, or that Greeks loved catfish.  Hold on, make that Athens, Texas.  Oops, so much for my upcoming Greek humor.  (Read the article slowly, so that you can “Ab-ZORBA” the details.)  Hey, I had to make one joke!  (I know, it’s “still Greek to you!”)

My second nationally broadcast radio interview, featuring a discussion on THE SECOND MOURNING, can be heard (almost live) this coming Tuesday, August 19, at 12 noon ET.  The entire interview will be presented on WTAN-AM 1340 in Tampa, and KLRG-AM 880 in Little Rock.  We spent 30 minutes discussing the untold story of America’s most bizarre political murder – the assassination of President James A. Garfield.  I think you will find the broadcast intriguing and educational.

In closing, since we could all use a good laugh, I would like to share some things that I recently overheard at a local day camp.  (Where I went to speak to 10-year-old kids.)  They were discussing “world events,” and some of their comments were truly hysterical…

1.  My grandpa is a doctor, and he told me that granola is spreading throughout Africa.   (Thank God it’s not shredded wheat.)

2.  The Turds are being attacked by a group called IRIS.  (Who is this woman?)

3.  Hamas was firing mistletoe into Israel.  (Maybe they will kiss and make up.)

4.  President Obama is vacationing in Martha’s Backyard.  (I wonder if she knows about this, and if so, will invite IRIS?)

The above comments are all true, which reminded me of Art Linkletter’s old show, “Kid’s Say The Darndest Things.”  Ah, youth is wasted is on the young.  Still, it’s important to be young at heart, which just happens to be the title of one of my favorite songs.  I hope you all have a young and joyful week, and if you miss my broadcast, don’t fret.  (Do you think guitar players “fret?”)  I will post a link to the podcast sometime during the week.

Elvis loves ya, baby!

Doc Yanoff

 

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THE BIRTHDAY BOY!

Well, as many of you know, (since I have been sending out frequent reminders) last Thursday was my 39th birthday.  (In Texas, you’re allowed to celebrate any year you wish!)  A gentleman never mentions his age, but I am now old enough to order an alcoholic libation.  (At a senior center.)  I suppose I should be grateful that I am still, more or less, of sound mind and body.  Which reminds me…..  If my therapist says, “There’s really nothing more that I can do for you,” that means I’m cured, right?

By the way, I just read that a woman gives birth to a baby every 15 seconds in America.  Personally, I think they should find that woman and have a talk with her.  Just saying.

Did you know that 3 other famous people were born on May 29th?  Patrick Henry, Bob Hope, and JFK.  I don’t know what, if anything, they ever accomplished, but I do know that I was recently invited back for another interview on the “American Book Club!”  (The nationally syndicated program that follows “Imus In The Morning.”)  The good folks at KLRG in Tampa want to discuss THE SECOND MOURNING in another full-length format, which is truly a great honor for me.  I’d like to personally thank the host, Jack Drucker, for his continued interest and support.

I don’t know the exact date yet, but I promise to keep you abreast.  (Or, if you prefer, a leg or wing.)  As they say in sniper school, we aim to please!  Speaking of schools…..  my new non-fiction book (THE SECOND MOURNING) is currently under consideration at several prominent universities.  What are they considering?  Whether or not the book should be added to their “Recommended Reading” list!  (Two of the schools are in the Ivy League!  I will refrain from making any jokes about poison ivy.)

Did you notice that Harvard, Yale, and other major colleges have recently announced another tuition increase?  Believe it or not, the AVERAGE cost of a 4-year college education at a private university in now…..  $125,000!  I should mention that this figure does not include books, food, lodging, alcohol, drugs, or birth control devices.  Dude, what a ripoff!  When I attended the Dodge City School of Taxidermy & Chiropractic Medicine tuition was only $350 per semester.  (Embalming fluids were extra.)

What is this country coming to?  When I was a boy, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, and a dozen eggs.  You can’t do that now…  too many damn security cameras!

Before I take my leave (which is what Adam said to Eve) I would like to remind you that I will be at a major book-signing and self-adoration event this coming Friday, June 6th.  The event will take place at 7 p.m. down at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd.  Please feel free to bring your family and friends and some hard currency.  Also, somebody should call Mrs. Barbara Talbott to remind her of the date and time.  (I’ve already sent 10 emails.)

In closing, I would like to leave you with some wise words from Albert Einstein, the owner (I think) of Einstein Bagels…..  “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”  I wonder if he was referring to mystery authors?  Hmmm.

Have a safe and wonderful week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER!

DON’T ASK ME WHY, but for some ungodly reason I actually volunteered to “dog sit” my two grand-dogs this week.  Baker is a cockapoo, eleven years old, and rather well behaved.  Romy is a labradoodle, still a puppy, and proof positive that mental illness is hereditary.  (You get it from your children!)  Yep, little Romy is adorable, but hell on wheels.  How can one dog chew on sooooo many different substances?  You’d think metal and rocks would be off-limits, but not with this little lady!  Her motto is thus:  “I came.  I saw. I chewed to shreds.”

As you can tell, I am having a “ruff” week, but this too shall pass.  (Won’t it?)  My daughters are off to weddings and vacations in San Diego and Hawaii, and I’m stuck at the dog pound!  (And believe me, there are times when I’d like to pound you-know-who, but she’s just too dang cute for words!)  Baker is white (which rhymes with right) and Romy is brown.  (Which rhymes with “nervous breakdown.”)  Why couldn’t my daughters get cats like other kids?

Oddly enough, I also had an unusual week book-wise.  As many of you know, THE SECOND MOURNING was recently published, and thanks to folks like you, is doing quite well in the sales department.  (Over two hundred books were sold on the first two days alone!)  However, I spent most of the week discussing THE GRACELAND GANG, as the Elvis Presley Center in Tupelo was interested in obtaining some more books for their gift shop.  What started as a simple phone call, ended up as a full-fledged interview with their newsletter editor.  (By the way, a number of buildings were severely damaged in Tupelo during last week’s storm, but the Presley Center was spared.  Definitely ‘Divine Intervention!’)

During my telephone interview, the editor asked me about the most surprising thing I discovered about Elvis Presley.  There were plenty of surprises, but one of the most interesting was the fact that Gladys Presley’s grandmother was Jewish.  (Gladys was Elvis Presley’s adored mother.)  Interestingly, The King was quite fascinated with his religious ancestry, and during his lifetime he wore a “chai necklace” and often carried yarmulke in his pocket!

When I visited Graceland, I met one of the caretakers, and he told me something intriguing that I did not know…  Elvis actually spoke Hebrew and often sang in the Hebrew language!  The next time you go to Memphis, go to Graceland, and you will notice that his mother’s tombstone (She is buried in Meditation Garden) is engraved with a “Star of David,” to acknowledge her own roots.  If you would like to learn more, just buy a copy of THE GRACELAND GANG, and you will be ready to go on a quiz show and win some big bucks!

Did you read the Wall Street Journal on Friday?  A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.  Hmmm.

A funny thing happened to my neighbor last week.  He went to a dude ranch in Bandera, Texas, and rode a donkey!  (He’s afraid of horses.)  While he was riding the range, a horse kicked up a rock and knocked him off the donkey.  Don’t worry, he wasn’t injured.  In fact, he just got stoned off his ass.  (Ouch!)

I don’t mean to be annoying, but please don’t forget to SAVE THE DATE.  (Friday, June 6, 2014.)  As some of you know, I will speaking at BookPeople in downtown Austin at 7 p.m.    You are all invited, and please remember, everything is free.  (Free admission, free parking, free books.)  All right, I’m lying about the books, but everything else is free!  Hopefully, the margarita machine will be working!

Well, my friends, it is time to take the dogs to the butcher, I mean, the park.  (Freudian slip!)  I do hope that my daughters appreciate me.  (and my wife, who is doing the early morning shift.)  I fully expect not only a case of beer, but an ocean-front condominium in the resort area of my choosing!)  Ideally, a condominium resort that does NOT allow pets!!

Love to all, and please, keep me in your prayers!!

Doc Yanoff   (And “Ma Barker!”)

“THE SECOND MOURNING” ARRIVES!!

WELL, IT TOOK A WHILE, BUT MY “BABY” WAS FINALLY “DELIVERED” TO THE PRINTER LAST FRIDAY!  What a sweet bundle of joy.  Looks just like his father.  500 pages of parental pride, now available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and a huge number of bookstores throughout the free world.  (And several counties in Arkansas.)  Yep, my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, can now be purchased by the general public!  Please, hold your applause.  On second thought, I think I deserve a standing ovulation.  Hey, I just “gave birth” to new creation.  (The heck with a simple ovation!)  After delivering 500 + pages I’m just glad I didn’t deliver twins.  (A two-volume set.)

Truthfully, the process was invigorating, but somewhat stressful.  (i.e., Try to imagine 731 endnotes!)  Nevertheless, my incredible discoveries are fully documented.  Personally, I don’t know why I needed so many references.  I just figured out that I’m right 97% of the time.  Who cares about the other 4%?  Not me.  After I finished the book, I checked myself into the Hokey Pokey Clinic in Austin.  (I wouldn’t to “turn myself around.”)  While I was recuperating I had some very profound thoughts…..  For instance…..  Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older.  It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror!

Don’t fret about your weight, either.  I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that…..  After all, 7lbs. 6oz. is just not realistic.  Thus, I have formally given up exercise!  That’s right, no more exercise for this author!  Look, if walking was good for you, the postman would be immortal.  Right?  Heck, whales swim all day, mainly eat fish, and drink just water….. and they’re all fat!  Nothing but blubber!  Just remember, my healthy blog followers, a rabbit runs and hops all day long, but only lives 15 years.  (A tortoise, on the other hand, moves very slowly and lives 450 years!)  Do the math, my friends!

I once saw a tortoise at a Shell Station, but that’s another story.  Speaking of other stories, Mrs. Emily Martin won last week’s trivia contest.  (German immigrants introduced the Easter Bunny and also brought over….. pretzels!)  Would you like another question?  Fine.  Tell me the make of pistol that Charles Guiteau used to shoot President Garfield.  (Dr. Max Talbott, my weapons consultant, is NOT eligible to enter this contest!)  One answer per follower, please.

ONE SMALL FAVOR TO ASK…..  If you purchase a copy of THE SECOND MOURNING would you please be kind enough to leave a nice review of the book on Amazon.com?  Favorable reviews translate into advertising dollars from the publisher, so you would be doing me a HUGE favor.  Thank you very, very much.

Well, I must run… tonight we are attending a special dinner, hosted by the amazingly talented chef, Mrs. Pat Cutrone.  (The “Legend of Lakeway.”)  I’m hoping to read the first 30 chapters of my new book (aloud) but the other guests might have a problem digesting their dinner!  (Which is why I always travel with a case of books and a case of Alka-Seltzer!)  Have  yourself a safe and pleasant week, and we shall meet again next Sunday!   Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

THE GRASS HAS RIZ!  I WONDER WHERE MY TAX REFUND IS?  (I won’t hold my breath!)  Well, in any case, let me start by wishing my faithful blog followers a very Happy Easter and a very Happy Passover.  I do hope you were able to spend the holiday with your loved ones, or folks that didn’t eat too much.  We celebrated by hosting the 62nd Annual Cajun Birthday Festival for Lee Bomblatus, the gentleman who single-handedly made Dell Computers a mega-corporation.  (Lee used to “screen” perspective employees.)  The wife (Princess Patty) made a huge caldron of her famous Swamp Thing Gumbo, and my goodness, did we eat well!  I am happy to report that only two utensils were “accidentally” taken by our guests, and that there was only one arrest.  Around here, that is what passes for a good night!

So last Friday I had my semi-annual head-to-toe health exam, and as usual, it provided a lot of new comedy material.  My nurse was a charming woman from Trinidad  (Trini was her dad’s name) and her “medical notes” were hilarious.  Here are a few of her actual observations…..

1.  “The patient has two female children, but no other abnormalities.”  (Actually those two are enough!)

2.  “Examination of the patient’s groin area reveals that he is circus sized.”  (No comment.)

3.  “The lab test indicated normal lover function.”   (Whatever that is!)

You know, at my age, my “train of thought” often leaves the station without me, but I must say, I could be a very rich man if they would let me hang around the doctor’s office for a while and take some more notes!  Speaking of doctors and such…..  the answer to last week’s trivia question (what famous ‘medical person’ ran out to help President Garfield after he was shot) is…..  Clara Barton!  (The founder of the American Red Cross.)  Nobody got the right answer….. so here’s another question:

Which ethnic group introduced America to the “Easter Bunny?”  (Hint:  They were not from Easter Island.)  These immigrants, who came over in the 1700s, had a custom of giving out brightly colored eggs in the spring….. and when you read my upcoming book, THE SECOND MOURNING, you will learn that they also introduced an unusual treat to Pennsylvania and the Ohio Wilderness….. a twisted dough concoction sprinkled with salt.  First correct answer wins a free copy of my new book.

I was driving by a herd of cattle the other day, and I could swear that the cows looked familiar.  Would this be an example of deja moo?  No bull, this really happened.  Maybe I shouldn’t try to milk this routine any further, eh?

Did you folks catch a glimpse of last week’s solar eclair?  I know a great deal about astrology, so for me it was a real eye-opener.  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I’m a real Renaissance man.  (I actually prefer Hampton Inn, but that’s an inside joke.)  Well, my dear friends, I must leave you now.  Time to finish off the remaining gumbo.  Ya Ya, baby!

Have a safe and wonderful week and don’t forget to spray the Lysol early and often!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

YANOFF WINS MEGA-LOTTERY MILLIONS!

BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED, OR ASK TO BORROW MONEY…..  I would simply like to remind you that April first is just around the corner.  (i.e., April Fools’ Day!)  Perhaps I should have gotten your attention with a different headline.  How about…..  CRACKPOT WINS JACKPOT!  Did you know that our national day of pranks is based upon ancient Roman and Hindu festivals which occurred just after the VERNAL EQUINOX?  (Which is similar to the VENAL MAALOX.)  Me neither.  Some folks believe it was ushered in as part of “spring fever,” and others think it is connected to the Jewish spring holiday of Purim.  (One of my favorite holidays.  You bring the wine, and the host will pour ’em!)  I think it has something to do with the I.R.S., but I can’t prove it.

Today, March 30th, was an interesting day in history, too.  On this very day, in 1856, Russia signed the Peace of Paris Treaty ending….. the Crimea War!  (What goes around, comes around.)

On this day, in 1870, Texas became the LAST Confederate state to be readmitted to the Union.  (Clearly a foolish mistake on our part.)  Whose idea was that?  (Somebody get a rope!)

On this day, in 1976, INDIANA went undefeated and won the NCAA Basketball Championship.  Are you from Indiana?  Hoosier mama?  Hoosier papa?  What the heck is a hoosier, anyway?

On this very day, in 1992, Anthony Hopkins AND Jodie Foster won Academy Awards for acting in a sweet, family-oriented animal movie.  (The Silence of the Lambs.)  Hey, I’m only trying to “pull the wool” over your eyes… this is one scary movie!

Speaking of scary things…..  Last week I appeared on a local radio show, sharing some insurance insights into the tragic disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370.  You might be interested to know what I discussed with the host…..  The Boeing 777 that was lost was valued at….. $320,000,000!  (Yep, you read that right.)  The plane contains over 3,000,000 different parts, manufactured by over 500 different companies around the world.  The insurance coverage is “All Risk,” which covers nearly every peril known to man.  (Which is why the companies involved have already begun to pay out claims.)  The high cost of the aircraft is due, in part, to the fact that it can travel at close to 600 mph — and has a cruising range of 6,000 miles.  I thought you might like to know these details, as the “insurance angle” is seldom discussed in the media.

On a lighter note…..  My esteemed publisher is working on the final book cover revisions for THE SECOND MOURNING.  I am very pleased with the cover and will be doing the final editing one day next week.  I really think you’re going to enjoy this story and I will keep you informed of my progress.  In the meantime, if you would like to listen to my coast-to-coast radio interview of last week, simply go to the website I listed on last Sunday’s blog.  You will find a convenient link.  Let me know what you think.

If are the first person to correctly identify the attached photograph, you will win a $25 gift card to Target.  (But if I were you, I would not give them your credit card information!)  Unless, of course, you want to become a target.  (Of identity thieves)  Did I mention that somebody stole my identity last week?  The son of gun cancelled his credit cards and told the police that he was embarrassed to be me!  He actually resumed his former identity!  (The cops told me that he was a voracious reader, whatever that means.)  Well, have a great week, and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

On this day, in

FREQUENCY IS IMPORTANT!

NO, NOT THAT KIND OF FREQUENCY!  I’m referring to your radio frequency, ergo I shall remind thee of my upcoming radio interview, scheduled for this Tuesday, March 25th.  If you prefer, I will post a link to the podcast and you can listen at your leisure.  I’ve heard a tape of the interview, and I was very pleased.  (I only mispronounced my main character’s name once!)  The host, Jack Drucker, was exceedingly complimentary, which was a very pleasant surprise.  (He must not read a lot!)  Mr. Drucker thinks I might become a household name.  (If I change my name to Stephen Can-Opener.)  In any case it was a great experience and a terrific opportunity to discuss DEVIL’S COVE and my other semi-brilliant mystery novels.

As some of you know, my first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING is now in the hands of my publisher.  I’m told to expect a publication date in mid-April, which is a lovely time of year down here in Austin, Texas.  (Wildflowers and such)  I shall keep you informed of my progress.  So, how was your St. Paddy’s Day?  Did you know that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland?  (One reptile kept asking, “Are we there yet?”  Another had to stop and use the bathroom.)  I’m not sure, but I think the snakes were driven west, toward the District of Columbia.  Just saying.

My literary agent (Black Bart Berkowitz) tells me that my name was recently added to Vladimir Putin’s “no travel” list.  (I am now persona non gratitude in Russia.)  No big deal.  Did you know that there is a group of Russians that are claiming that Putin is a ruthless tyrant?  Do you know what they’re called?  Missing.

Speaking of oddities, did you hear about the “Woman’s Butt Size Study” that was conducted at Harvard University?  The results were quite interesting:   10% of women think their ass is too skinny.  30% of women think their ass is too fat.  60% say they don’t care, they love him, he is a good man and they wouldn’t trade him for the world!  (Would you folks like to guess which category my wife is in?)  Women!

After a short absence (due to parole requirements) I have returned to the world of professional, high-stakes poker.  Registering under the name of The Mighty Cobra (a lot of snakes in this blog, huh?) I managed to make the final table at the huge Steiner Ranch Tournament last Thursday!  If you can identify the photograph attached to this blog, I just might share my winnings with you!  (All right,  maybe not, but I will autograph your copy of THE SECOND MOURNING.)

Finally, I would like to mention that my book signing at the Barton Creek Mall has been postponed.  (At my request.)  I must attend another function, a birthday party hosted by the eminent Judge Susan!  We will be celebrating the birthdays of Patricia E. Yanoff (a living saint) and Ms. Barbara Talbott (a true martyr)  Gifts are not necessary, unless you want some food or drink or don’t care about walking around with a black eye and a broken arm.

In closing I would like to remind you that life is short….. so smile while you still have teeth!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

RoscoeConkling