American history

January 29, 2017

SAIL OF THE CENTURY!

AHOY THERE, landlubbers!  Captain Kidder (yours truly) has returned from his 3-week nautical adventure on the high seas.  Actually, I never got “high,” but I did consume a fair amount of rum.  One guy on our ship drank a gallon of shellac and died, but he had a “nice finish.”  (Ouch!)  I recently returned to lovely Austin, Texas, and I’m glad to be home.  (I didn’t want to miss the end of cedar season!)  In any case, it’s great to be back, but I do miss the warm salt air and the fragrance of Coppertone suntan lotion.  By the way, my wife also loves Coppertone lotion.  (She supports the women’s lubrication movement!  Frankly, so do I, but I won’t go there right now.)

My recent sojourn began in Boca Raton, Florida, the land of silk and money.  During our voyage we covered roughly 3,000 nautical miles, but since I was on a ship, I stayed dry.  (Or was that my martini?)  Naturally, I made many new friends, sold some books, and gained a few more blog followers.  (We will probably have 50,000 followers by the end of 2017!)

As most of you know, I LOVE the Caribbean, and not just because the locals named a dish after me.  (Jerk Chicken)  This voyage started in the Turks & Caicos, but I didn’t meet any Turks or Caicos.  From there we sailed to Puerto Rico to visit my hubcaps.  After San Juan, we traveled to Tortola, which is part of the British Virgin Islands.  Not to complain, but once again I did not meet a single virgin.  After leaving Tortola, we stopped in a remote and lovely spot called Punta Cana, which is located on the eastern end of the Dominican Republic.  Punta Cana is GORGEOUS, and has soft white sand and crystal clear water.  Great diving, snorkeling, and swimming.  We were actually the very first “touristas” to ever visit by ship, and it was well worth the stop.  The Dominicans are gracious and welcoming, but don’t confuse the Dominican Republic with the island of Dominica, which is much further south.  (If you do, they will throw a coconut at your head!)

Our final port of call was Nassau, in the Bahamas, where I spent the day scouting movie locations for my second mystery novel, THE PIRATE PATH.  (More on that later)  I would like to thank our hosts at the Melia Beach Resort for a truly memorable visit.  The weather, water, and women were perfect!  (Remind me to tell you my “Coppertone story.”  Let’s just say that I rubbed a few chicks the wrong way!)

Of course, the best part of spending much of your adult life on a cruise ship is meeting other travelers, and this voyage was no exception.  In fact, I’d like to say “howdy” to a few of my new friends, which includes, Jon & Candace Hatch (our “Happy Hour” buddies) Jerry & Miriam Klein from Nashville, and Cyril & Joan Villiers from the U.K.  It was such a pleasure to wine and dine with you folks!

Well, now that I’m “back in the saddle,” I have to review the final editing revisions on my next history book, titled, TURBULENT TIMES.  (The Remarkable Life of William H. Seward)  The publisher is aiming for a May 1st release date, which would arrive just in time for the summer season.  (I can’t believe that I now have to read my own writing!  For the third time!)

In closing, I would like to thank the D.H.S. for allowing me to re-enter the country.  Apparently they did not hear about the “Coppertone incident” on St. Barts, which was our second stop.  Nor did they learn about the “topless” photographs that I took on the island of Antigua.  (Our fourth stop.)  Those dang French ladies are more modest that they appear to be… and they can run very quickly in thongs… the thongs you wear on your feet!)

I will post some (uncensored) photographs on my next blog, but don’t get your hopes up.  The topless photographs were confiscated by some pervert in Customs.  Besides, my wife only let me take pictures of the men on the beach!  (That woman is such a prude!)  Well, be well and have yourselves a safe and joyful week.  Speak to you next Sunday…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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January 4, 2015

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Well, it’s official, 2015 is now here.  How was your New Year’s Eve?  Did you know that over one million people gathered in Times Square to watch the ball drop and have their wallets pickpocketed?  I didn’t see a single Porta John, so be very careful where you walk if you’re headed there this week.  (and remember what your mother told you about eating yellow snow!)  Just for the record…  44% of Americans kiss someone at the stroke of midnight.  Half of those know the other person.  61% say a prayer.  (I pray that someone will kiss ME!)  Incredibly, 360 million glasses of champagne are consumed during the holiday season.

In case you’re wondering, the states with the highest consumption of champagne are…..  California, Illinois, New York, Florida, and Texas.  (Arkansas is last, but only because the bottles do not come with instructions for opening.)

Speaking of numbers…  the final statistics on last year’s blog activity were sent out this week.  I am thrilled to report that our blog gained followers in 71 different countries!  We also added 5,700 new followers!  The countries that viewed the most blog posts were…  America, Brazil, and Italy.  I’d like to sincerely thank each and every one of you, and encourage you to invite one of your significant others to join us!

I attended a lavish party on New Year’s Eve, hosted by the incomparable Jamie & Gary Rubenstein.  Lots of great food and stimulating conversation, but as usual, I barely got a word in.  However, I did manage to briefly summarize the first 45 years of my utterly fascinating life.  Bowing to rules of etiquette, I only talked about myself for two hours, and was then compelled to ask the other guests what they thought about me.  (I cannot print their responses in a public forum.)

The guest list was a little sketchy, but vaguely entertaining.  The Talbotts were “on the wagon,” so they drank Canada Dry.  (I tried to drink Canada dry the last time I went to Montreal.)  Judge Susan brought a dip.  (I didn’t catch his name.)  Pat Cutrone was cold, so she arrived with a capon.  Patty and I never show up empty-handed, so as usual, we brought a fork and knife.  (She also took some silverware.)  I must say that this year’s entertainment was, well, unique.  Have you ever played Pictionary in the nude?  (Now I know why they’re called magic markers!)

Finally, a new Harvard study confirmed that American women suffer the most frequent mood swings during their minstrel cycle.  (I know some men who suffer, too.)  Frankly, most men think that a minstrel cycle has something to do with a bike rider wearing blackface.  Having studied female autonomy, I know the difference, and understand what women go through during this, uh, period.  Come to think of it, this might be the origin of the term “hell on wheels.”  Just saying.

Well, my dear friends, time to say sayonara.  Breakfast awaits (I hope) and as they say in the fish store…  “carp diem!”  I bid you all a fond farewell and hope you have a marvelous week.  A last tidbit of advice…  If you want to follow your dreams, go back to bed!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

*** Attached are some photographs recently taken aboard the Queen Mary.  Thanks to my publicist, Gary Rubenstein, my new non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, is now the official history book of Cunard Cruise Lines!

 

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March 9, 2014

GOOD NEWS TRAVELS FAST!

A LOT FASTER THAN ME ON THE INTERSTATE!  Fellow travelers, I am proud to announce that I recently signed a new book contract, and that in mid-April, my fourth masterpiece will be published!  (Just in time to pay my taxes!) Please, hold your applause.  (Never mind, clap!)  Murder Ink Press, in collaboration with Penguin Publishers, will be publishing my first non-fiction book, titled THE SECOND MOURNING.  (The True Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder.)  The book will reveal the true events surrounding the assassination of President James A. Garfield, our twentieth President.  I’m told that it will be available in hard-back, soft-back, and ebook versions.  Readers will be able to purchase the book on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and a large number of traditional book stores.  (Including BookPeople in Austin, Texas.)

I would like to thank each and every one of our 7,000 blog followers, because without your continued support, none of this would have been possible.  You folks are the best and I’m honored to be invited into your homes each Sunday.  We gained many new followers on our last book tour, which ended two days ago, and took us to Dallas, Texarkana, Little Rock, Nashville, Chattanooga, Atlanta, Valdosta, Boca Raton, Fort Lauderdale, Tallahassee, Mobile, Baton Rouge, and Houston!  Whew, what a drive!  Two thousand miles in two weeks!

While we were gone, the Winter Olympics “played out.”  You know what that means.  American athletes will now be appearing on cereal boxes!  (“Flakey” idea.  Too “corny.”)  I hear that Vladimir Putin wants to put his face on a box of crackers!  (Ever heard of “Putin on the Ritz?”)  Ouch!

Several of our curious blog followers have asked about my favorite road stop.  There were many great stops, but my personal favorite was Lynchburg, Tennessee, the charming town where they produce Jack Daniel’s Sour Mash Whiskey.  After a brief tour of the distillery, we sampled some Old No. 7, and from what I remember, our “spirits” were truly lifted!  (I think I met a guy named Jim Beam and a fellow named George Dickels, but don’t quote me on that!)  If you think I’m joking, I’ve got (ninety) proof!

Speaking of “blithe spirits,” I would like to say happy birthday to Ms. Barbara Talbott, who will be turning 39 or 49 tomorrow.  I forget her exact age, but I congratulate Barbara on reaching a new pinochle.  (I could have said pinnacle, but she’s a “real card!”)  Well, at least she’s playing with a “full deck!”  (Unlike me!)  Have a great day, darling!

In closing, I would like to remind you that we are now in the midst of Daylight Savings Time.  (Why don’t banks ever offer daylight savings accounts?)  Anyway, don’t forget the old motto:   “Spring back and fall ahead.”  Wait a minute, maybe it’s “Spring forward and fall back.”  Well, I don’t suppose it really matters.  Sooner or later you’ll have the right time.

Well, I’m off to the office to pay some bills, make some excuses, and catch up on my fan mail.  (I received a letter from my Mom.)  I hope everyone has a safe and happy week.  We will chat again next Sunday!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Depending on my computer skills, which are minimal, you might see a photograph attached to this blog post.  Be the first to identify the person in the photo and you will win a $50 gift card!  (I will post the winner’s name next Sunday.)  Good luck!

 

CharlesGuiteau