SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

THE GRASS HAS RIZ!  I WONDER WHERE MY TAX REFUND IS?  (I won’t hold my breath!)  Well, in any case, let me start by wishing my faithful blog followers a very Happy Easter and a very Happy Passover.  I do hope you were able to spend the holiday with your loved ones, or folks that didn’t eat too much.  We celebrated by hosting the 62nd Annual Cajun Birthday Festival for Lee Bomblatus, the gentleman who single-handedly made Dell Computers a mega-corporation.  (Lee used to “screen” perspective employees.)  The wife (Princess Patty) made a huge caldron of her famous Swamp Thing Gumbo, and my goodness, did we eat well!  I am happy to report that only two utensils were “accidentally” taken by our guests, and that there was only one arrest.  Around here, that is what passes for a good night!

So last Friday I had my semi-annual head-to-toe health exam, and as usual, it provided a lot of new comedy material.  My nurse was a charming woman from Trinidad  (Trini was her dad’s name) and her “medical notes” were hilarious.  Here are a few of her actual observations…..

1.  “The patient has two female children, but no other abnormalities.”  (Actually those two are enough!)

2.  “Examination of the patient’s groin area reveals that he is circus sized.”  (No comment.)

3.  “The lab test indicated normal lover function.”   (Whatever that is!)

You know, at my age, my “train of thought” often leaves the station without me, but I must say, I could be a very rich man if they would let me hang around the doctor’s office for a while and take some more notes!  Speaking of doctors and such…..  the answer to last week’s trivia question (what famous ‘medical person’ ran out to help President Garfield after he was shot) is…..  Clara Barton!  (The founder of the American Red Cross.)  Nobody got the right answer….. so here’s another question:

Which ethnic group introduced America to the “Easter Bunny?”  (Hint:  They were not from Easter Island.)  These immigrants, who came over in the 1700s, had a custom of giving out brightly colored eggs in the spring….. and when you read my upcoming book, THE SECOND MOURNING, you will learn that they also introduced an unusual treat to Pennsylvania and the Ohio Wilderness….. a twisted dough concoction sprinkled with salt.  First correct answer wins a free copy of my new book.

I was driving by a herd of cattle the other day, and I could swear that the cows looked familiar.  Would this be an example of deja moo?  No bull, this really happened.  Maybe I shouldn’t try to milk this routine any further, eh?

Did you folks catch a glimpse of last week’s solar eclair?  I know a great deal about astrology, so for me it was a real eye-opener.  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I’m a real Renaissance man.  (I actually prefer Hampton Inn, but that’s an inside joke.)  Well, my dear friends, I must leave you now.  Time to finish off the remaining gumbo.  Ya Ya, baby!

Have a safe and wonderful week and don’t forget to spray the Lysol early and often!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

MAKING MORE WAVES! (AIRWAVES, THAT IS!)

Well, now that we have set our clocks backward or forward for daylight savings time (depending on which state you live in) it is time to adjust our radio dials so that we don’t miss the coast to coast interview of America’s most endearing mystery author!  Me!  As a public nuisance, I mean, public service, I would like to remind you that on Tuesday, March 25, I will be the featured guest on “THE AMERICAN BOOK CLUB” radio program.  The show begins at 12 noon, Eastern time, and will follow “Imus In The Morning,” on KLRG-AM 880.  The host will probably ask about my goal, which is simple.  (After all, I am a simple person.)  I just want the audience to accept me for who I pretend to be!  Not too much to ask, eh?

Speaking of radios, don’t you just hate it when you’re listening to a song and singing out loud and then the artist gets the words wrong?  Jeez, what’s wrong with those folks?  Now for some news about the folks who follow this blog…..     Did you know that my old friend (and former lawyer) Bruce Blakeman was running for Congress in the 4th District of New York?  Well, now you do, so I would ask all of my New York followers to please vote for this gentleman, who is a fine fellow and will make you proud!

And since I mentioned “pride,” I am very proud to have most of the “Deatrick Clan” as followers, as well as Ms. Lisa Reischer, one of the very best photographers in New York State!  I would also like to welcome the entire “Raymond Chandler Book Club” of El Paso, Texas.  (And thank you for choosing DEVIL’S COVE as your book-of-the-month!)  All I can say about that is…..  Yeeehaaaa!

Speaking of yahoos, how do you like the nerve of this guy Rootin’ Tootin’ Putin?  Did you see the photo of him riding that horse with his shirt off?  The commie obviously doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “bareback.”  If you ask me, he’s not “stable.”  (All right, I’ll stop “horsing around!”)  Wait, I’ve got one more commie joke…..  Did you hear that Putin just recorded his first record?  It’s called…..  “Crimea River.”  (Cry Me A River?)  I should have stopped while I was ahead!

Before I go, I would like to say “Happy Birthday” to one of my personal “idols.”  Today is the birthday of James Madison, our fourth President.  Did you know that Mr. Madison was the “Father of the American Constitution?”  He was also the primary author of the “Bill of Rights.”  Do you remember the saying about “good things come in small packages?”    Well, Mr. Madison was only 5′ 3” in height, and he weighed just 100 pounds!  (His favorite Broadway musical was…..  “Hello Dolly!”)  Just kidding about that last part!

Finally, congratulations to Daniel Mantrone of Richmond, Virginia, who was the first to identify last week’s photo of the assassin, Charles J. Guiteau. (I hope the attached caption was helpful!)  Another gift card will be given to the first person who can identify this week’s photograph.  Good luck to all!

Have a safe and prosperous week….  We shall chat next Sunday!

Love and knishes,

Doc Yanoff

 

JamesBlane