August 10, 2014

BACK FROM THE “BIG EASY!”

NO, I WASN’T VISITING KIM KARDASHIAN! I recently returned from New Orleans, which as you may know, is often called “The Crescent City.” Personally, I think it should be called “The Croissant City.” After all, it’s very French, very hot, and very flaky!

And speaking of flakes, our illustrious group had a splendid time. After Commander’s Palace, we dined at the Red Fish Grill and the Bombay Club, and both were superb. Especially good was the alligator sausage, and that’s no crock! As a courtesy to my readers, I shall leave out some rather good jokes about “boudin balls” and “dirty rice.” (They were X-rated, and this is a family blog!)

Incidentally, I would like to thank Harrah’s Casino for allowing me to play some poker during my stay. As usual, I got very lucky and won a great deal of money, which I promptly spent on Sazerac Cocktails! The biggest pot of the trip was won (by me) with two pair, and on that hand alone, the Mighty Cobra raked in over $500! All in all, it was a lovely and prosperous way to spend the afternoon.

Now that the “Bourbon & Beignets Book Tour” is over I can concentrate on my upcoming radio interview. I am pleased to report that yours truly will be returning to the “National Book Club” on August 18th. (We will be discussing my first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING.) As you might recall, the program follows “Imus In The Morning,” and can be heard on KLRG (Little Rock) and WTAN & WDCF (Tampa). The entire interview will also be streamed live on the World Wide Web.

So what else is new? Well, the CDC office in New York City just announced that germs are easily spread with a handshake. Fortunately, the most popular greeting in New York is the middle finger. Meanwhile, the New York Times published a series of articles stating that the current marijuana laws are “useless” and “outdated.” (Just like the newspaper!) Congress is on summer break. From what, I don’t know!

In closing, I would like to share a couple of photographs that were taken at the Elvis Presley Center during our recent book tour. (We were promoting THE GRACELAND GANG.) I may have posted some of these, but they’re worth a second look. (Mainly because I’m not in them!) I’m not very photographic. My wife told me that she’s seen better faces on a clock! (Ouch!) Yeah, well she has skinny legs. (I told her that I’ve seen better legs on a piano!) (Double Ouch!)

Take care, gentle readers, and have yourself a great week! Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

August 4, 2014

THE RAGIN’ CAJUN!

GOOD MORNING, GENTLE READERS, and please forgive the tardy post, but once again I find myself in the great state of Louisiana, driving across the Atchafalaya Basin on my way to New Orleans. (Actually, I arrived Sunday morning, but the above sounds more dramatic.) In any case, we made it across the swamp without incident, except for one odd inquiry that came from our navigator. (Miss Patty) My wife asked me if I could explain the difference between a swamp and a bayou. I told her that a swamp has no current, but in the second instance, the water will run “by-you.” (Believe it or not, she accepted that explanation!)

This week’s book tour has brought us to the Adolescent City in fine style. (Wait a minute, I think that was supposed to be the “Crescent City.”) Then again, maybe not. In any case we are staying at the Windsor Court Hotel, a lovely establishment near the French Quarter. Being the consomme marketer, I mean, consummate marketer, I immediately made friends with some of my fellow tourists and spread the word about my newest masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING. On that note, I would like to welcome some new fans and blog followers, namely, Crystal & Madison and Amy & William, each from the wild and wonderful state of Louisiana.

Our culinary adventures began at the Carousel Lounge in the French Quarter and then to Commander’s Palace for dinner. As you can imagine, it was quite a feast…. After a round of Sazerac Cocktails and some champagne, we dined on Bourbon & Coffee coated quail, white shrimp and grits, turtle soup, fried oysters, and the piece of resistance….. bread pudding souffle! (I know, life is tough for a famous mystery author!)

After dinner we managed to stroll into Harrah’s Casino, where gambling history was made not by the Mighty Cobra (Me) but by the Princess of Portugal, a/k/a Helena Bomblatus, the queen of Creole Poker! I will not bore you with the gory details, but let’s just say that our dear friend was dealt a straight, a flush, and four of a kind, in succession! Needless to say, the dear woman won a small fortune, and she is definitely paying for dinner tonight.

This morning began with another culinary feast at Mother’s Restaurant, where Baron (Lee) Bomblatus and I consumed a hefty portion of eggs, grits, maple ham, and home made biscuits. (Washed down with some mighty fine chicory coffee.) The ladies in our group (escorted by Dr. Max Talbott) just set off for cooking school. Thus, I find myself faced with a dilemma…. shall I write another chapter of my new mystery novel….. or play some Texas Hold ‘Em at the casino? What would Elmore Leonard do? What would Dashiell Hammett do? What would Raymond Chandler do?

DEAL ME IN, BOYS! I’M ON MY WAY!

So much for practicing one’s craft. Hey, maybe my craft is playing poker. (I am a crafty guy.) Well, I guess you know where I’m heading. Fortunately, the casino is right across the street from our hotel. Assuming I win big, which is usually the case, I am going to take my friends to Cafe Du Monde for some beignets and coffee au lait! (What a sport) Personally, I would rather consume a bowl of bananas foster, which incidentally, was NOT named after the great Southern composer, Stephen Foster, the “Father of American Music.” The dish, created in 1951 at Brennan’s Restaurant, was actually named for Richard Foster, a friend of Owen Brennan. (By the way, you are welcome to use me as a “life line!”)

Well, my friends, I must bid you adieu. And believe me, “I do” hope I win some money! Bonjour until next Sunday….. love to all….. les bon temps roule!

Doc Yanoff

July 27, 2014

BACK IN BUSINESS!

Monkey business, that is! As some of you know, I taught various communication courses at St. Edward’s University in Austin for about 7 years, and every so often, I still participate in “relationship seminars,” which are designed to improve communication between couples and promote marital bliss. (Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise!) Well, this year I brought my wife to a seminar, and after 37 years of marriage, I learned some new things about the old girl…..

First, I learned that I had indeed married “MRS. RIGHT.” What I didn’t know, but soon learned, was that her first name was “ALWAYS!” Second, I learned that my darling wife enjoys “romance” in the morning. (Right after I go to work!) Third, I learned that my wife simply desires a man who’s loyal, faithful, patient, attentive, forgiving, even-tempered, and a good listener. (What she really needs is a dog!)

After the seminar, we drove down to Port Aransas, a lovely town on the Texas Gulf Coast. They have a great beach, but surprisingly, there were turtle nests all along the shore. They’re interesting to observe, but they make a mess of your tires. Fortunately, the turtles are on the endangered species list. Every so often a mama turtle tries to crawl into the dunes to lay her eggs, but sometimes they run out of gas. In that instance, she has to stop at a “Shell station.” Hey, I just thought of something….. If a turtle breaks down on the beach, would that be considered a “reptile dysfunction?”

Speaking of dysfunctions…..

A word about the DEMOCRAT PARTY… President Obama’s approval rating has fallen to 35% The drug-addicted mayor of Toronto has an approval rating of 45% Do you realize what this means? People would rather smoke crack than sign up for Obamacare!

A word about the REPUBLICAN PARTY… The President is demanding that Congress do something about the Minimum Wage. If there is one group of people who know something about doing the Minimum for their Wage, it’s definitely Congress!

A word about the PREGNANT PARTY… I hear that Miss Kellie (Judge Susan’s daughter) had a lovely baby shower. Why the baby needed a shower is beyond me, but what do I know? (Not much.) Hey, do you think they have baby showers in Bath, England? Anyway, we wish Miss Kellie the very best and we are looking forward to meeting her clean little darling in a month or two.

Finally, I would like to say a word about my first 3 mystery novels (The Graceland Gang, The Pirate Path, and Devil’s Cove.) I would also like to mention my non-ficiton masterpiece, The Second Mourning. Never mind. That would be tacky. Simply a cheap and under-handed way to get my blog followers to think of my books, and perhaps, if they had the time and wherewithal, order a copy or two from Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, or Nook. I refuse to stoop to such dastardly depths of depravity! (By the way, the books can also be purchased at BookPeople in Austin.)

Well, now that my moral compass is pointing in the right direction, I must leave you for a gourmet breakfast/pool party on the veranda! My daughter Rebecca and her boyfriend Peter are on their way to Villa Yanoff for a traditional New York Sunday Morning Feast! (Bagels, lox, and cream cheese!) Yummy in my tummy! Luckily, they are also bringing Madame Romy. Who might this be? Check out the attached photograph that I have hopefully managed to include….. Have a great week….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

July 13, 2014

SUMMER IN THE CITY…..

HOT TOWN, SUMMER IN THE CITY. BACK OF MY NECK GETTING DIRTY AND GRITTY….. Hey, I remember that song! It wasn’t written about Austin, Texas, but it could have been. Actually, it was about New York City, penned by John Sebastian and recorded by the Lovin’ Spoonful in 1966. (I hate to admit it, but I graduated from high school in 1967!) So how hot is it down here in the Lone Star State?

The Jehovah Witnesses have started telemarketing!

Congress has installed a fan in the debt ceiling!

I caught a FRIED catfish in Lake Travis! (Now that’s hot!)

Speaking of Lake Travis, my semi-brilliant mystery, DEVIL’S COVE, has recently been named as one of the Top Ten Mysteries of the Year by the Albany (N.Y.) Times Union newspaper. There was no cash award (darn it!) but it’s still a wonderful honor and one that is greatly appreciated. The book is now on its third printing, so if you haven’t been able to obtain a copy, now’s your chance. He who hesitates is lost!

Incidentally, I would like to thank Ms. Emily Garrison for all of her hard work in reference to typing and blocking mystery number four, RANSOM ON THE RHONE. The next “Adam Gold Mystery” will be published sometime in the fall, and this one takes place mostly in France. (Hence the title) The book was originally titled “Life On The Mississippi,” but the publisher thought it was a little long and a somewhat confusing. (What do they know?)

And since we’re on the subject of publishing, I recently read some interesting things in our local newspaper….. The finals of the World Cup (Germany vs. Argentina) might attract the largest television audience in history! I’ve never seen any of the World Cups, but I did meet Dolly Parton when I went to Pigeon Forge. (This would be a visual joke!) ….. Our current immigration crisis means no more Olympic teams from Central America. (All of their citizens who can run, jump, and swim are coming to America!) ….. The Republicans have chosen Cleveland as the site of their next national convention. The Democrats are looking at Baghdad, Gaza City, and Chicago. (The first two are getting the most votes!)

Last night was “Pool Party Number 200,” and a great time was had by all. We dined on grilled mahi-mahi, shrimp, fresh salads, and sushi. Our creative host (Me) prepared a large batch of homemade sangria, and lo and behold, every drop was consumed by our prestigious (and thirsty) guests. Nude bathing was kept to a “bare minimum,” but that’s the last time I send out invitations with a “clothing optional” message. (Don’t ask where I dropped a hot shrimp. And NO jokes about shrimps of any kind!)

Jeez, I’ve heard of THE SECOND MOURNING, but not THE FIRST SCALDING!

Well, my dear friends, I must leave thee now. Time to head for a late breakfast and some homemade biscuits. (I would like to thank Miss Rebecca Yanoff for supplying the Colorado honey and Chokecherry Jelly . (The actual name!) I can’t wait to gouge myself, I mean, gorge myself with these goodies. In the meantime, you folks take good care of yourselves, don’t worry about me over-eating, and have a great week!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

July 6, 2014

THE RETURN OF CAPTAIN KIDDER!

I am happy to report that the infamous pirate/punster (Captain Kidder) and his female accomplice and first mate (Poker Patty) have returned to port… (we found a bottle in our luggage!) After we consume the port, our intention is to unpack, which might take some doing after logging 3,545 miles on our recent book tour/family visitation/Caribbean voyage. Nonetheless, somebody has to do it, so it mighty as well be Patty. (I only handle booty…. no jokes, please!)

All in all, it was a remarkable venture, which began in Austin and continued east, with stops in Delray Beach, Boca Raton, Fort Lauderdale, Eleuthera (Bahamas), Jamaica, Cayman Island, Cozumel (Mexico), and then up through the Florida Straights to Miami. Whew, what a trip! Too much food and drink, but just the right amount of Texas Hold ‘Em Poker. (We won enough loot to fill a small treasure chest, or Dolly Parton’s bra.) Incredibly, the seas were almost flat (no more bra jokes, please) and every day was sunny and warm. Needless to say, we got very lucky. (And missed Hurricane Arthur!)

While each day brought new adventures, some events were truly memorable….. For instance, I learned that the good folks of Jamaica, in preparation for my arrival, named a culinary dish after me. It’s called “Jerk Chicken,” and just like its namesake, it is hot and spicy, and easier to swallow with a hefty dose of rum. When we reached the Cayman Islands, we saw the maritime version of that movie about Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. (JERSEY BUOYS) After a glass or two of tequila, (in Cozumel) I actually tripped over the Captain’s Log! (What was he doing on the bridge?)

The highlight of our trip was meeting new people and making friends with some wonderful folks from all over America….. Kathy & Ernie from Naples, Beth and her hard-working hubby from Illinois, Susan and James from Florida, Jeanie & Carl from Michigan, and the list goes on and on…… (please forgive me if I left your name out!) Like I said, the best parts of travel always include the amazing, unselfish, hard-working, honest, loyal, and intelligent citizens that you meet. What a blessing to live in a country with so many wonderful human beings!

Which reminds me….. Happy Birthday, America! (You still look great for your age!) We celebrated part of the Fourth by drinking some fine Caribbean rum in a famous water-side tavern…. a tavern that was once frequented by Captain Kidd. (The tavern was mentioned in my second mystery, THE PIRATE PATH) I was surprised to learn that some Caribbean bars actually charge you for resting your fists on the bar while you’re drinking! Imagine my surprise when they handed me a….. “Bar Knuckle Bill!” (Hey, they don’t call me Captain Kidder for nothin’!)

Well, mates, I must leave thee now….. time to return to the mundane world of law and order… and a different set of bills. (Electric, gas, water, etc.) If you get a chance, check out the new reviews for THE SECOND MOURNING which have been posted on Amazon.com Thanks for your continued support, and please continue to spread the word about the book… I may need bail money for my next voyage! (Especially if I don’t get some new material!)

Have yourself a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

June 1, 2014

THE BIRTHDAY BOY!

Well, as many of you know, (since I have been sending out frequent reminders) last Thursday was my 39th birthday. (In Texas, you’re allowed to celebrate any year you wish!) A gentleman never mentions his age, but I am now old enough to order an alcoholic libation. (At a senior center.) I suppose I should be grateful that I am still, more or less, of sound mind and body. Which reminds me….. If my therapist says, “There’s really nothing more that I can do for you,” that means I’m cured, right?

By the way, I just read that a woman gives birth to a baby every 15 seconds in America. Personally, I think they should find that woman and have a talk with her. Just saying.

Did you know that 3 other famous people were born on May 29th? Patrick Henry, Bob Hope, and JFK. I don’t know what, if anything, they ever accomplished, but I do know that I was recently invited back for another interview on the “American Book Club!” (The nationally syndicated program that follows “Imus In The Morning.”) The good folks at KLRG in Tampa want to discuss THE SECOND MOURNING in another full-length format, which is truly a great honor for me. I’d like to personally thank the host, Jack Drucker, for his continued interest and support.

I don’t know the exact date yet, but I promise to keep you abreast. (Or, if you prefer, a leg or wing.) As they say in sniper school, we aim to please! Speaking of schools….. my new non-fiction book (THE SECOND MOURNING) is currently under consideration at several prominent universities. What are they considering? Whether or not the book should be added to their “Recommended Reading” list! (Two of the schools are in the Ivy League! I will refrain from making any jokes about poison ivy.)

Did you notice that Harvard, Yale, and other major colleges have recently announced another tuition increase? Believe it or not, the AVERAGE cost of a 4-year college education at a private university in now….. $125,000! I should mention that this figure does not include books, food, lodging, alcohol, drugs, or birth control devices. Dude, what a ripoff! When I attended the Dodge City School of Taxidermy & Chiropractic Medicine tuition was only $350 per semester. (Embalming fluids were extra.)

What is this country coming to? When I was a boy, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, and a dozen eggs. You can’t do that now… too many damn security cameras!

Before I take my leave (which is what Adam said to Eve) I would like to remind you that I will be at a major book-signing and self-adoration event this coming Friday, June 6th. The event will take place at 7 p.m. down at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd. Please feel free to bring your family and friends and some hard currency. Also, somebody should call Mrs. Barbara Talbott to remind her of the date and time. (I’ve already sent 10 emails.)

In closing, I would like to leave you with some wise words from Albert Einstein, the owner (I think) of Einstein Bagels….. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” I wonder if he was referring to mystery authors? Hmmm.

Have a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 25, 2014

LEST WE FORGET…..

TOMORROW IS MEMORIAL DAY! That being the case, I would like to start with a huge THANK YOU to all who have served in our nation’s military. We appreciate your service to our country and I salute you for your efforts to keep us free. God bless each and every one of you! I don’t know if I ever mentioned it, but my father was in the Army Air Corps during World War II. Airman Yanoff flew across the Atlantic Ocean on a B-24 (a rare event at the time) and served as a tail-gunner during the campaign in North Africa.

I used to kid my father about the first 3 aircraft he shot down. I told him that he would have gotten a medal if they hadn’t been BRITISH aircraft! He would laugh, and then tell me that he might have gotten a medal AND a promotion if they had been FRENCH aircraft! Like most men who served back then, he had a sense of humor about his experience, but was also very proud of his involvement.

Thanks to Sgt. Max Talbott, I received a long-overdue medal for “good conduct” from the U.S. Air Force. (I tried to enlist, but failed the entrance exam.) I received the medal (after a 30-year wait) because I returned the test pencil! Better late than never. Not to brag, but I once worked for the Salvation Army. I was stationed in Times Square, and if I remember correctly, I raised quite a bit of money. (Of which I only kept half.) Hard service, but somebody had to do it.

In case you’re wondering, our Friday night food festival was a big success. We had the pleasure of entertaining the Princess of Portugal and her wealthy hubby, Baron Lee. Judge Susan was also in attendance, as well as some uninvited guests….. which brings us to the main course….. roast COATIMUNDI! (A truly amazing delicacy from South America.) Trust me, you haven’t dined lavishly until you’ve eaten a ring-tailed Coati with fried onion rings. After dinner, we watched “Fiddler On The Roof,” which seemed oddly appropriate, since that is where we caught the main course.

If I sound like I’m rambling, it’s because I’ve only had one cup of coffee. Still, I think I’ve discovered a Sunday morning pattern….. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Yes, these are the five stages of waking up! What a gift to be young (?) and talented! Reminds me of an old adage….. “Talent is good. Practice is better. Passion is best.” Frank Lloyd Wright said that, he knew about talent. He and his brothers, Orville and Wilbur invented the first airplane….. the one that flew at Kitty Wells.

In closing, I would like to thank all of my blog followers for supporting my recent literary effort. (THE SECOND MOURNING) I have been fortunate to receive some excellent reviews, but I am fully prepared for a bad review! If and when I receive some unkind words, I shall order the following license plate for that mean old person….. are you ready?

How do you like this plate? 370HSSV

To get the full effect, you must read the plate upside down!

Yes, I know, talent on loan from God! Have a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 18, 2014

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN NON-FICTION, TOO!

BELIEVE IT OR NOT….. 3 days after the publication of my first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, (The True Story of President Garfield’s assassination) thieves broke into Garfield’s tomb in Cleveland, Ohio!! No joking. Vandals shattered a window to get inside a 180-foot-tall monument at Lakeview Cemetery in Cleveland Heights!

Interestingly, Garfield’s casket is the ONLY Presidential casket on full display for the public to view. (He’s buried beside his wife, Lucretia.) The thieves stole some silver spoons from a glass display case, but they were not able to reach the coffins. They couldn’t have lifted them out anyway. Too much dead weight. (Ouch!)

In case you’re wondering, I had NOTHING to do with the break-in, and furthermore, I have an air-tight alibi. Still, you have to admit that the timing is a little suspicious. Book comes out, grave robbers go in. Hmmm.

I’d like to thank my friend, and poker buddy, Kevin Evans, for sending me the link about the break-in. If you want to read the full story, just go to: http://www.foxnews.com (Published on 5/11/14.)

Incidentally, I am happy to report that THE SECOND MOURNING has sold over 300 copies on Amazon.com alone! (Not counting Kindle and Nook.) I’d like to thank all of my blog followers who have purchased a book, and please remember that anyone who buys 3 or more copies can audition for the movie role of Charles Guiteau. (The deranged psychopath who shot Garfield.) Yeah, I know. They don’t make guys like me anymore.

Speaking of rare guys… I’d like to say “top o’ the mornin'” to my good friend Max Talbott (and his lovely lass, Barbara) who are presently vacationing in Ireland. They are having a grand time, but Max got into a little trouble in Belfast. Apparently, he walked into a bank and inquired about opening an I.R.A. (I think they’ve been outlawed. So has Max.)

My wife’s maiden name was McCloskey, and she told me that she was recently at an authentic Irish wedding where the M.C. made the following announcement: “Would all the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living.” (The bartender was almost crushed to death!) And since we’re on the subject of crushes, please remember that if you love books (or me) you are invited to attend a gala book signing event on Friday, June 6, at 7 p.m. The event will be held at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd. (Next to Whole Foods.) Free admission, free parking, free porches. (Just kidding about the cars.)

By the way, I’m sorry this blog came out a little late today, but I just got back from another wild weekend in Boerne, Texas. My brother-in-law, Tim McCloskey was celebrating his 60th birthday, so he and the lovely Miss Hannah threw a lavish party at their one-of-a-kind ranch. Unfortunately for me, they had some authentic “moonshine,” which tasted mighty smooth going down, but it had a bit of a kick. (From what I recall, it was a very long night.)

In closing, I would like to mention a new survey that said that 55 percent of Americans think they are smarter than the “average American.” Damn, that’s almost half. The same study indicated that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. (They’re called Liberal Arts Majors.) Well, have a safe and prosperous week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 11, 2014

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY….. MAY 11, 2014…..

WELL, IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN… Time to send my beloved mother a note of congratulations for giving birth to me. Last year we took my mom to a gourmet luncheon at MacDonald’s, but since she had gained a few pounds, she got stuck between the arches. Needless to say, it was NOT a “happy meal.” This year we sent some Omaha steaks. Well, actually it was ground beef, but I think she’ll like it. Hey, you can’t eat flowers. Is it any wonder that I’m her favorite un-incarcerated son?

Since we’re discussing “pick of the litter,” I am happy to report that the “dogs of war” have been returned to their rightful owners. Yep, we finally got rid of Romy and Baker, the dynamic duo of dirty dogs that we were dog-sitting last week. And not a moment too soon, I might add. Romy, as you might recall, is a labradoodle puppy. (i.e., a furry chewing and chomping machine.) That mutt left her teeth marks on all of my furniture and some of my private parts, too! (Let’s not go there.) I LOVE dogs, but after 3 days with Romy, I did something awful. (I tried to sell her on eBay. Naturally, nobody bit…. except Romy.) By the end of the week, I was searching for labradoodle recipes! (Hey, isn’t that where the term “hot dog” comes from?)

Don’t worry, both dogs were returned unscathed. (Which is more than I can say for my couch and crotch!) In the end, I came away with a new appreciation and understanding of….. cats! It may be a dog eat dog world, but from now on I’m sticking with felines! (or clotheslines.)

I am also happy to report that copies of THE SECOND MOURNING are literally flying off the shelves. (Especially in earthquake zones.) If you purchase a copy and would like an autograph, just let me know, and we can work something out. And please don’t forget to leave a nice review on Amazon.com when you’re finished reading… my mother will be very pleased. (as well as my publisher.)

On a personal note or two, I would like to say “Happy Birthday” to my brother-in-law, Tim McCloskey. (I’m not allowed to mention his age, but….. he’s kind of old. His first homeowner’s policy covered fire, theft, and Indian raids! He remembers when Howard Johnson only had two flavors! He was around when Burger King was a prince! Well, you get the picture.)

I’d also like to thank Helena, Princess of Portugal (And her husband Viscount Lee) for another splendid feast, this one celebrating the release of THE SECOND MOURNING and the guest appearance of the lovely “Miss Julieta.” Both were sweet, strong, and intoxicating!

In closing, I would like to remind you that you and yours are invited to join the fun at my upcoming Austin book signing and wet t-shirt contest. (Just kidding about the t-shirt thing.) The gala event will be held on Friday, June 6, at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd. Show time is 7 p.m. (The bookstore is right beside Whole Foods, which might be a good place to dine before the show begins. They have lots of free parking.) I hope to see you there!

Well, I must take my leave… time to consume some biscuits and honey. Remember not to take life too seriously. (after all, it’s not like you’re getting out alive!) Still, we should all make an effort to take care of our planet. (Earth is the only place that has chocolate!) Have a safe and wonderful week….. Love to all….

Doc Yanoff

May 4, 2014

THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER!

DON’T ASK ME WHY, but for some ungodly reason I actually volunteered to “dog sit” my two grand-dogs this week. Baker is a cockapoo, eleven years old, and rather well behaved. Romy is a labradoodle, still a puppy, and proof positive that mental illness is hereditary. (You get it from your children!) Yep, little Romy is adorable, but hell on wheels. How can one dog chew on sooooo many different substances? You’d think metal and rocks would be off-limits, but not with this little lady! Her motto is thus: “I came. I saw. I chewed to shreds.”

As you can tell, I am having a “ruff” week, but this too shall pass. (Won’t it?) My daughters are off to weddings and vacations in San Diego and Hawaii, and I’m stuck at the dog pound! (And believe me, there are times when I’d like to pound you-know-who, but she’s just too dang cute for words!) Baker is white (which rhymes with right) and Romy is brown. (Which rhymes with “nervous breakdown.”) Why couldn’t my daughters get cats like other kids?

Oddly enough, I also had an unusual week book-wise. As many of you know, THE SECOND MOURNING was recently published, and thanks to folks like you, is doing quite well in the sales department. (Over two hundred books were sold on the first two days alone!) However, I spent most of the week discussing THE GRACELAND GANG, as the Elvis Presley Center in Tupelo was interested in obtaining some more books for their gift shop. What started as a simple phone call, ended up as a full-fledged interview with their newsletter editor. (By the way, a number of buildings were severely damaged in Tupelo during last week’s storm, but the Presley Center was spared. Definitely ‘Divine Intervention!’)

During my telephone interview, the editor asked me about the most surprising thing I discovered about Elvis Presley. There were plenty of surprises, but one of the most interesting was the fact that Gladys Presley’s grandmother was Jewish. (Gladys was Elvis Presley’s adored mother.) Interestingly, The King was quite fascinated with his religious ancestry, and during his lifetime he wore a “chai necklace” and often carried yarmulke in his pocket!

When I visited Graceland, I met one of the caretakers, and he told me something intriguing that I did not know… Elvis actually spoke Hebrew and often sang in the Hebrew language! The next time you go to Memphis, go to Graceland, and you will notice that his mother’s tombstone (She is buried in Meditation Garden) is engraved with a “Star of David,” to acknowledge her own roots. If you would like to learn more, just buy a copy of THE GRACELAND GANG, and you will be ready to go on a quiz show and win some big bucks!

Did you read the Wall Street Journal on Friday? A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it. Hmmm.

A funny thing happened to my neighbor last week. He went to a dude ranch in Bandera, Texas, and rode a donkey! (He’s afraid of horses.) While he was riding the range, a horse kicked up a rock and knocked him off the donkey. Don’t worry, he wasn’t injured. In fact, he just got stoned off his ass. (Ouch!)

I don’t mean to be annoying, but please don’t forget to SAVE THE DATE. (Friday, June 6, 2014.) As some of you know, I will speaking at BookPeople in downtown Austin at 7 p.m. You are all invited, and please remember, everything is free. (Free admission, free parking, free books.) All right, I’m lying about the books, but everything else is free! Hopefully, the margarita machine will be working!

Well, my friends, it is time to take the dogs to the butcher, I mean, the park. (Freudian slip!) I do hope that my daughters appreciate me. (and my wife, who is doing the early morning shift.) I fully expect not only a case of beer, but an ocean-front condominium in the resort area of my choosing!) Ideally, a condominium resort that does NOT allow pets!!

Love to all, and please, keep me in your prayers!!

Doc Yanoff (And “Ma Barker!”)