Dallas

September 20, 2015

“THE PIRATE PATH” MAKES HISTORY!

Do you realize that yesterday (Saturday) was “Talk Like A Pirate Day?”  Aye, ’tis true, me hearties.  Shiver my timbers if somebody didn’t create a brand new holiday in order to celebrate my second mystery novel.  (The Pirate Path)  Well, at least I think that’s why they created the new holiday.  What other reason could there possibly be?  In any case, in order to celebrate the audacious occasion, I took my matey to a fancy pirate-like restaurant…  Long John Silver’s.  We ordered some special pirate-like grub and some rum.  Check this out… the restaurant was selling corn on the cob for …..  “A-buck-an-ear!”  (Ouch!)

Speaking of books…  The National Book Awards were recently announced, and I’m proud to report that my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECON MOURNING, was almost nominated.  (My mother forgot to return the nomination form.)  I’m not too upset.  Last year she returned the form but misspelled my name.  (She nominated Stephen “King” by accident.)  By the way, the winner of last week’s book contest was  Angelo Petraglino from Rome, Italy.  (The bridge photograph on the cover of THE PIRATE PATH was taken in Istanbul, Turkey.)  Congratulations, Angelo.  Your book is in the mail.

So what else is new?  Well, I just read that Kellogg’s Cereal was planning to donate millions of dollars to an African charity, but now they’re hesitating…  Tony the Tiger was apparently gunned down by a Minnesota dentist!

I just finished reading Hillary Clinton’s 45-page plan to be more spontaneous.  (As the old cowboy said, it was a “spur of the moment” decision.)

Did you watch the Miss America Contest?  Miss Georgia was crowned “Miss America.”  Miss Kentucky was chosen “Least Cooperative.”  (I refuse to explain these lame jokes!)

NBC just announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as the host of “Celebrity Apprentice.”  I don’t think Trump is going to be too happy when he learns that he’s being replaced by an immigrant with an anchor baby!

On the home front…   If I seem a little testy, it’s because I overslept and missed my exercise class this morning.  This is the fifteenth year in a row that’s happened.  My wife made me join “Orange Fitness.”  I only agreed because I thought she said “Orange Julius,” which is one of my favorite health food drinks.  Thank God the parking lot is usually filled.  (Good excuse to come back home for a beer.)  Hey, by the way, do you have to be pregnant to park in a “delivery zone?”

Speaking of deliveries…  I will soon be on my way east, bound for Florida and another highly anticipated book tour/road show.  I will post my official itinerary next week, in case you want to rob my house while I’m gone.  If you do break in, please remember to flush the toilets and feed the pit bulls.  (And watch those pesky land mines!)

In case you’re wondering, the next “Adam Gold Mystery” is currently being edited and will be published in early 2016.  The book is titled “A RUN FOR THE MONEY,” and this time Adam Gold will become embroiled in an insurance claim that involves grave robbing and a Thoroughbred horse murder.  As always, the story is basically true, and based upon an actual insurance claim handled by Mr. Gold’s real-life counterpart.  (Me!)  I think you folks are going to love the book.  The pre-reviews have been phenomenal.

Well, me buckos, time for this old pirate to walk the plank and head to breakfast.  I do hope you have a safe and joyful week.  We shall meet again at high tide, or ebb tide, or tide detergent.  You decide.  I’m hungry!      Love to all,

Doc Yanoff   (Sometimes known by my pirate moniker, “Captain Kidder.”)

 

P.S.  Any idea where or when the attached photograph was taken?

 

 

Elvis in the sand

September 6, 2015

QUIET ON THE SET!

There’s very little quiet on any set these days, but that’s because of the cable networks.  In any case, I wasn’t referring to television.  (By the way, why do they call it a television “set” when there is only one device?)  Where was I?  Oh yes, the quiet on the set thing.  Well, I’ve got some potentially good news to share with my 21,000 loyal blog followers……  There is a possibility, albeit remote, that my second mystery novel, THE PIRATE PATH, will be optioned for a movie later this year.  Are you folks familiar with a production company called “Infinitum Nihil?”  (Meaning “infinite nothing.”)  This is Johnny Depp’s company, operated by the old pirate and his sister.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  (Pirates always have to cross a few bones for luck!)

Speaking of luck…  I recently received two lovely gifts from two of my high school friends who are also blog followers.  First, I wish to thank the incredibly talented Joyce Harness McGregor for sending me a beautiful painting of my favorite bird.  (The red cardinal)  The painting is now hanging in my study for all to see.  Second, I would like to thank the brilliant Margaret Dinzler Shaw for sending me a copy of the book of essays she recently edited.  Good job, Margaret!

Incidentally, I recently received an invitation to become Facebook friends with the great Daniel Negreanu, one of the world’s best poker players.  Daniel is a fan of my mystery novels, and one of the truly nice guys on the professional poker circuit.  I wish him continued success at the tables, and urge him to wear the t-shirt I’m sending.  (The shirt displays a full face photo of President James A. Garfield on the front, and on the back it reads:  THE SECOND MOURNING.)  Dang shirt costs me five bucks to make!

Did you see that the CEO of Starbucks is telling his workers to be gentle with customers who may have lost money in the stock market last week?  Great advice from a guy who charges five dollars for a cup of coffee!  I’ve figured out how they get away with that…  they use Italian titles for all of their special drinks.  Makes the stuff sound fancy.  Hey, who charges more per cup, Starbucks or Victoria’s Secret?  (Both keep me up at night!)

My never-ending self-promoting book tour and tequila sampling took me to another fascinating location last week.  I spent a productive afternoon in lovely San Saba, the Pecan Capital of the World.  (Just think of all the “nut jokes” I could do right now!)  Believe it or not, the town produces over five million pounds of pecans every year!  They use pecans in almost everything down there, including beer, olive oil, pies, cakes, cookies, and pralines.  These items are not cheap.  You have to “shell out” some bucks if you want to eat well!  If you plan to stay f0r dinner, I’d try Diggs Restaurant & Club.  (Yummy steaks, cooked over….  pecan!)

Well, I must close now.  My new grand-daughter is expecting me, and if I show up late, she might need a diaper change.  (Man, if you guys thought an oil change was messy, you should see some of those diapers!)  How can anything so beautiful produce such a nasty odor?  Yes, dear pilgrims, the Lord works in mysterious ways!  (He also has a wicked sense of humor!)

Have a safe and happy week, and we shall meet again in the sweet by and by.  (or should I say, bye-bye?)  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

P.S.   A free autographed book to the first person who can tell me where the attached photo was taken!

 

 

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March 8, 2015

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!

Well, the great Leonard Nimoy did just that, and now he’s been “beamed up” to a better place.  Let’s face it, ANY place is better than Los Angeles, but you get the point.  We lost another fine actor/human being adored by Baby Boomers like me.  I was a big fan of STAR TREK, even though its creator, Gene Roddenberry stole the idea of the show from me.  Well, sort of.  My series was called STAR TRUCK, and it was a show featuring a redneck freight hauler who drove an eighteen wheeler across the Interstate system.  The vehicle was piloted by a tobacco-chewing feller named Captain Kenworth.  His sidekick was called Mr. Spoke.  NBC turned me down because they said the pilot (the first show, not the driver) “ran out of gas.”  (I knew that joke would “fall flat!”)  Anyways, I kept on truckin’, so to speak, and turned to mystery novels.

I have no idea what happened to that Roddenberry guy.  (Actually, I do.  Believe it or not, his ashes were launched into Earth orbit in 1997!)  Unfortunately, the spacecraft carrying the ashes disintegrated in 2002.  After that, Mr. Roddenberry was more “down to earth.”  Well, you know what they say…   “ashes to ashes, dust to dust, the spacecraft breaks, when it turns to rust.”

So what else is new?  Don’t forget to turn your clocks back one hour!  (You’re supposed to turn them ahead, but why not confuse the hell out of everyone?)  My spring book tour is shaping up rather nicely.  The itinerary includes stops and stays in Atlanta, Charleston, Beaufort, Jacksonville, and Boca Raton.  In case you’re wondering, I’m traveling across the South for a reason.  My next book, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, takes place in the Low Country of South Carolina.

While I’m on the road, I will be visiting the Gullah communities located on the Sea Islands of Georgia.  (And going to the Penn Center on St. Helena Island for an historic lecture.)  The Gullah culture is quite unique (descendants of the original slaves brought to America) and I’m anxious to see if I captured the essence of the place in my book.  I’m also anxious to sink my teeth into a bowl of white shrimp and grits!

Speaking of books…..  If you’ve been patiently waiting to order a copy of my new Adam Gold mystery, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, wait no longer!  Books can now be purchased at Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and leading bookstores throughout the country.  (If you live in Austin, go to BookPeople.)  The early reviews have been marvelous and I really think you are going to enjoy this story.

Incidentally, I will be teaching a creative writing course this summer.  (At the Dell Community Center in Austin.)  If you live in or around Austin, sign up and take my class.  You might become rich and famous.  (If you buy a Lotto ticket before you come to class.)  Which reminds me, I would like to wish my Jewish followers a Happy Purim.  This is the holiday that involves a great deal of wine consumption.  (You Purim the wine for your guests.)

And since we’re on the subject of guests, I would like to welcome some new blog followers…..  my old high school buddies, Karen and Pete Kiernan, and their beautiful and talented daughter, Meagan.  I love to re-connect with friends from the past, but to be perfectly honest, it’s a lot harder than it sounds.  Most of my friends will not be eligible for parole for a few more years, so their Internet access is extremely limited!

Well, lads and lassies (hey, why are women named after dogs?) I must take my leave.  In fact, I must take a lot of leaves.  I have been given the task of raking the front yard this morning!  A fitting chore, since I am a bit of a rake myself.  Where did I leave that old bag?  Oh, she’s in the kitchen, cooking breakfast.  Well then, I’m off. (I’ve been “off” for quite some time!)  Have a safe and wonderful week, and we shall meet again next Sunday….

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff,  Bon Bon Vivant.

December 14, 2014

HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE…

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam… and I’ll show you a messy house!  Which reminds me, when a buffalo leaves home, what do his parents say?  (Bison!)  I actually love this song, but the lyrics don’t make much sense.  Who would build a house on a range?  The minute you turn on the gas, boom!  I shouldn’t judge.  I used to take naps in the refrigerator.  (We had a Westinghouse, so that’s where I wested!)  By now you might be wondering about the range humor, yes?

Well, the reason I mentioned a range is because I recently drove down to La Grange, Texas.  (In a Range Rover, no less!)  I was there to speak to a local book club, and I was quite surprised by the charm of this small Texas town.  After my brilliant oration (most remained awake) I stopped at the Texas Quilt Museum and the Czech Heritage Center, two very interesting places.  (The museum kept me in stitches, and I didn’t pass a single “bad Czech!”)  If you make the trip, stop at Weikel’s Store & Bakery for some yummy kolaches.

Last Wednesday, I reached a new milestone.  My second mystery novel, THE PIRATE PATH, has become something of a literary sensation down under (that would be Australia, not Hell!)  Believe it or not, the book is now selling on eBay for…..  $70.00!  G’day mate, that’s a lot of money!  Well, now I know what my mother did with those extra copies I sent her.  If you happen to have a signed copy, you should check out the selling prices on eBay.  (You can make some big money, honey!)

Speaking of books, my publisher is still twerking, I mean, tweaking the book covers for my next mystery novel titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  They are determined to get it right, and their professionalism is truly inspiring.  God willing, the book will be published in mid-January.  In the meantime, I will be posting some photographs taken on the French river cruise that inspired the tale.  (We took a cruise on the Rhone through central France.)  I hope you enjoy them, and please feel free to send along your questions.

Did any of you folks watch the Geminid meteor shower last night?  I did, but I kept thinking about a friend of mine who lives in Bath, England. Must be strange to be in Bath and watch a shower.  I feel “drained” just thinking about it!

Hey, did you notice yesterday’s date?  12/13/14!  Easy to remember, but that will be the last time in your life that there will be 3 consecutive numbers like that.  Well, you know what they say about your number being up.  I celebrated the momentous occasion by painting a large number of doors (don’t ask) and attending a dinner party.  I wasn’t sure I’d be invited to the party, but then I realized that it would be at my house.

Well, I must take my leave, as I am actually “dog-sitting” again.  No, not for Baker.  For Miss Romy.  Baker is a cockapoo.  Romy is a labradoodle.  They both eat like creatures from Jurassic Park (non stop) but I love them dearly.  Who knew that one day I would own my own kennel?  Life is full of surprises.  (It’s a “ruff job” but somebody has to do it!)  Take care, don’t worry about the fleas, and have a wonderful week!

Love to all, Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Just in case I decide to sell the dogs, I would like to post their photographs….  The white one is Baker.  The brown one is Romy.

 

 

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October 5, 2014

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR!

YOU PROBABLY WONDER WHERE I ARE…  I MEAN, WHERE I WAS!  Well, rather than keep you guessing, I’ll just tell you that I spent Saturday evening in the charming town of Lockhart, Texas.  (“The Barbecue Capital of The World!)  Last night, I was one of the featured authors at the gala event known as Evening With The Authors, and even though I might be considered a “little star,” I still had a twinkle in my eye!  Ah, what a marvelous time was had by all…  The event was held at Judge Rebecca Hawener’s enchanting garden estate, a lovely setting festooned with an incredible array of flora and fauna.  (Flora was the woman sitting beside me.)

The grounds were decorated with lovely plants, flower arrangements, and special lighting.  (I was the only “dim thing” present!)  Each author had their own table, designated by a huge neon sign (just kidding) and was chaperoned through the evening by a series of wonderful volunteer guides.  Our first guide was an interesting and intelligent woman named Linda Brooks, and she was simply a marvelous hostess.  In fact, every volunteer we met was just wonderful, and I can see why Lockhart is such a pleasant place to live.  The town is filled with sweet, pleasant folks.  (Folks who love to read, too!)

I met a couple of wonderful ladies from Barnes & Noble Book Sellers, and they were kind enough to feature all 3 of my mystery novels, plus my new non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  I understand that my history book was actually the best seller of the evening, and for that, I am extremely grateful.  (No, I didn’t buy 30 copies!)  The hard-working ladies from Barnes & Noble set up a book tent, handled the sales, and provided the perfect venue for browsing throughout the evening.

Patty and I were amazed by all of the people who love American history, and we got to meet some truly incredible folks who were quite anxious to learn about President Garfield’s assassination.  I must have autographed at least 5,000 books (slight exaggeration here) but I loved every minute, and the best part was meeting so many interesting citizens.  Life is good, especially in a small town.  Even better in a small town with 4 great barbecue joints!

In case you’re wondering, we didn’t dine on barbecue.  The fare consisted of healthy cuisine, including a shrimp-filled paella and lots of green salads.  (See what happens when women run the show?)  If men were in charge, we would have feasted on brisket and ribs, and consumed copious amounts of Lone Star Beer.  With the ladies running things, we were treated to an endless supply of good wine from the Pleasant Hill Winery.  Of course, there were several tables of homemade desserts, but I resisted the temptation!  (My motto is still:  “Boys who eat sweets, take up two seats!”)

I might have mentioned this already, but all net proceeds went to support the Dr. Eugene Clark Library of Lockhart.  If you live in Texas, you should definitely plan a trip to Lockhart, which represents the best characteristics of American life.  You will meet a lot of honest, decent, hard-working folks who will make you feel proud to live in such a great country as ours.  You will also be treated to some mighty good food, so come hungry!

Finally, in celebration of my newest Adam Gold Mystery (RANSOM ON THE RHONE) I am now packing for another book tour/road trip/vacation to sunny Florida!  I am not quite sure of our itinerary, but my publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz, tells me that we have some intriguing stops along the way.  (God knows what that means!)  Our last “intriguing” venture resulted in a stiff fine and a suspended jail sentence!  If any of my blog followers know the name of a reliable bail bondsman, please forward asap.

In closing, I would like to assure you that I will definitely NOT be exercising  during this outing.  In fact, if my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there!

Have a safe and wonderful week!  Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  I will post some photographs of last night’s event in the near future!

 

 

 

August 17, 2014

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN…..

NOT MY STOCK PORTFOLIO, ELVIS PRESLEY!  Can you believe that yesterday marked the 37th anniversary of the King’s passing?  Yep, August 16, 1977.  This week, as some of you know, was “Elvis Presley Week,” in Memphis, Tennessee.  This year’s crowd was probably around 500,000, and as usual, they were treated to an assortment of events related to The King of Rock ‘n Roll.  Including, I might add, the opportunity to purchase an autographed copy of my first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG.  (Available at leading bookstores throughout Memphis.)  I understand that sales were quite good, and God-willing, I will be holding a seminar at next year’s event.  Should be interesting!

I’d like to give a big “shout out” to my dearest friends in Memphis….  Ron and Debbie Lazarov.  (Thank you for introducing us to Corky’s barbecue!)  If you ever need a place to stay, call them.  (They only charge $175 per night for a room, but you get a free bottle of water.)

Speaking of great friends, I am very proud of Ms. Terri Schexnayder, my dear friend from the Writers League of Texas.  Terri just had a wonderful article published in Texas Highways Magazine, so if you’re a subscriber, check it out.  (The article is titled “Gone Fishing!” and it starts on page 15.)  Great writing, and some valuable information about the freshwater fishery center in Athens.  I had no idea that Terri went to Greece, or that Greeks loved catfish.  Hold on, make that Athens, Texas.  Oops, so much for my upcoming Greek humor.  (Read the article slowly, so that you can “Ab-ZORBA” the details.)  Hey, I had to make one joke!  (I know, it’s “still Greek to you!”)

My second nationally broadcast radio interview, featuring a discussion on THE SECOND MOURNING, can be heard (almost live) this coming Tuesday, August 19, at 12 noon ET.  The entire interview will be presented on WTAN-AM 1340 in Tampa, and KLRG-AM 880 in Little Rock.  We spent 30 minutes discussing the untold story of America’s most bizarre political murder – the assassination of President James A. Garfield.  I think you will find the broadcast intriguing and educational.

In closing, since we could all use a good laugh, I would like to share some things that I recently overheard at a local day camp.  (Where I went to speak to 10-year-old kids.)  They were discussing “world events,” and some of their comments were truly hysterical…

1.  My grandpa is a doctor, and he told me that granola is spreading throughout Africa.   (Thank God it’s not shredded wheat.)

2.  The Turds are being attacked by a group called IRIS.  (Who is this woman?)

3.  Hamas was firing mistletoe into Israel.  (Maybe they will kiss and make up.)

4.  President Obama is vacationing in Martha’s Backyard.  (I wonder if she knows about this, and if so, will invite IRIS?)

The above comments are all true, which reminded me of Art Linkletter’s old show, “Kid’s Say The Darndest Things.”  Ah, youth is wasted is on the young.  Still, it’s important to be young at heart, which just happens to be the title of one of my favorite songs.  I hope you all have a young and joyful week, and if you miss my broadcast, don’t fret.  (Do you think guitar players “fret?”)  I will post a link to the podcast sometime during the week.

Elvis loves ya, baby!

Doc Yanoff

 

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July 27, 2014

BACK IN BUSINESS!

Monkey business, that is!  As some of you know, I taught various communication courses at St. Edward’s University in Austin for about 7 years, and every so often, I still participate in “relationship seminars,” which are designed to improve communication between couples and promote marital bliss.  (Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise!)  Well, this year I brought my wife to a seminar, and after 37 years of marriage, I learned some new things about the old girl…..

First, I learned that I had indeed married “MRS. RIGHT.”  What I didn’t know, but soon learned, was that her first name was “ALWAYS!”     Second, I learned that my darling wife enjoys “romance” in the morning.  (Right after I go to work!)     Third, I learned that my wife simply desires a man who’s loyal, faithful, patient, attentive, forgiving, even-tempered, and a good listener.  (What she really needs is a dog!)

After the seminar, we drove down to Port Aransas, a lovely town on the Texas Gulf Coast.  They have a great beach, but surprisingly, there were turtle nests all along the shore.  They’re interesting to observe, but they make a mess of your tires.  Fortunately, the turtles are on the endangered species list.  Every so often a mama turtle tries to crawl into the dunes to lay her eggs, but sometimes they run out of gas.  In that instance, she has to stop at a “Shell station.”  Hey, I just thought of something…..  If a turtle breaks down on the beach, would that be considered a “reptile dysfunction?”

Speaking of dysfunctions…..

A word about the DEMOCRAT PARTY…   President Obama’s approval rating has fallen to 35%    The drug-addicted mayor of Toronto has an approval rating of 45%   Do you realize what this means?  People would rather smoke crack than sign up for Obamacare!

A word about the REPUBLICAN PARTY…  The President is demanding that Congress do something about the Minimum Wage.  If there is one group of people who know something about doing the Minimum for their Wage, it’s definitely Congress!

A word about the PREGNANT PARTY…  I hear that Miss Kellie (Judge Susan’s daughter) had a lovely baby shower.  Why the baby needed a shower is beyond me, but what do I know?  (Not much.)  Hey, do you think they have baby showers in Bath, England?  Anyway, we wish Miss Kellie the very best and we are looking forward to meeting her clean little darling in a month or two.

Finally, I would like to say a word about my first 3 mystery novels (The Graceland Gang, The Pirate Path, and Devil’s Cove.)  I would also like to mention my non-ficiton masterpiece, The Second Mourning.  Never mind.  That would be tacky.  Simply a cheap and under-handed way to get my blog followers to think of my books, and perhaps, if they had the time and wherewithal, order a copy or two from Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, or Nook.  I refuse to stoop to such dastardly depths of depravity!  (By the way, the books can also be purchased at BookPeople in Austin.)

Well, now that my moral compass is pointing in the right direction, I must leave you for a gourmet breakfast/pool party on the veranda!  My daughter Rebecca and her boyfriend Peter are on their way to Villa Yanoff for a traditional New York Sunday Morning Feast!  (Bagels, lox, and cream cheese!)  Yummy in my tummy!  Luckily, they are also bringing Madame Romy.  Who might this be?  Check out the attached photograph that I have hopefully managed to include…..  Have a great week…..    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

Romy

 

June 22, 2014

THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!

Following in the footsteps of the great Spanish explorer, Ponce de Leon, (who was NOT related to Leon Redbone or Leon Spinks) I have come to the Sunshine State (Florida) in pursuit of a magical elixir!  (Rum and tequila.)  I am delighted to report that I have discovered vast quantities of both!  From what I remember, there are no impending shortages on the horizon.  Of course, the horizon was a little blurry at the time, so I might be overly optimistic.  Which reminds me, my uncle was an optimist.  He sold eyeglasses at the mall, but he missed a lot of work because he had an eye problem.  (He just couldn’t see coming to work.)  On second thought, he might have been an optometrist.  In any case, he had to quit, because he was starting to envision optical delusions.

As you may have surmised, I am still consuming alcoholic libations, but my true goal this trip is pursuing fame and fortune, and a bronze-colored body.  (Not necessarily my own, either!)  Thus far, we are off to a good start.  I am traveling with my semi-domesticated partner, and the weather could not be better.  We spent the morning at nude beach (by accident) and we both felt quite uncomfortable.  The wife is from Texas, and she thought the sign said “DUDE Beach.”)  She was wrong.  I, being the courteous type, asked the lady sitting next to me if I was making her uncomfortable by not wearing a swimsuit.  She replied, “No, it’s no big thing!”

Needless to say, she ruined my morning, but I got over it.  (I consoled myself with a pastrami sandwich from the Flakowitz Deli.  Accompanied by a Dr. Brown black cherry soda.)  Life is good.

I may have mentioned this already, but I have recently been invited for another interview on the National Book Club Radio Program.  The host, Jack Drucker, wants to have a chat about THE SECOND MOURNING, and I am very pleased and honored to return as a guest.  My first appearance resulted in a surge of book sales and some very interesting speaking invitations.  We are tentatively scheduled to conduct the interview in mid-August, and I will keep you informed of any changes, and provide the exact broadcast time when it becomes available.

In the meantime, I will be doing some “Caribbean research” for the movie version of THE PIRATE PATH.  After our stop in Florida, we are heading down to Jamaica, the Cayman Islands, and Cozumel.  I know what you’re thinking.  How do I handle the intense pressure?  How can one man survive the trials and tribulations of becoming a literary beach bum?  How does this fellow avoid a full-scale investigation by the I.R.S.?  (Would you believe I’m friends with Lois Lerner?)  On second thought, maybe that was Lois Lane.

Well, I must leave you now, mainly because the boss wants me to clean my room before we head out for some snorkeling.  I told her that I have ADCD, but she doesn’t believe me.  In case you’re curious, ADCD is Attention Deficit Cleaning Disorder.  Every time I start to clean up, I realize that my efforts are futile, and I’m compelled to lay down and take a nap.  This is usually followed by a violent headache.  (Caused by a hard strike to the head.)  One of these days…..

All right, gang, I’m outta here.  Please have a safe and wonderful week, and keep those cards and letters coming.  The next time you hear from me, I shall be sailing through the Caribbean, bound for ports unknown.  (Thank God I love port!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

June 15, 2014

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

I think it would be fitting and appropriate to begin today’s blog by wishing all of you fathers out there a Happy Father’s Day.  For those of you who live abroad (that would be overseas, not as a woman) I should explain that today is the day when American children honor their dads by giving them the most useless gifts they can find.  These gifts usually include, but are not limited to, horrible ties, boxer shorts, heavy metal or rap music, and the always welcomed photo of your children looking like they have just posted bail.

Since I was my dad’s favorite (or one of them) I have fond memories of this uniquely American holiday.  If it was a warm June day, my dad would take me to Jones Beach on Long Island and we would do fun things together.  Just the two of us.  For instance we might play an abbreviated version of hide and seek.  (I would hide, but he wouldn’t look for me.)  Sometimes he would bury me up to the neck in sand, but he always came back the following weekend to dig me up.  (The only negative thing about this game were those pesky high tides.)  On clear days we would walk up and down the beach, and my pop would encourage me to collect some seashells, and as many Portuguese Men of War as I could hold.  Gosh, those were swell times.  (Some of the swells were over my head!)

Speaking of the Portuguese…..  Last night was my sixth birthday celebration, this one hosted by the Princess of Portugal and her hubby, Baron Lee.  (We do at least six parties to make sure we get things right!)  We were all delightfully surprised to encounter Countess Connie at the event.  Even more surprised to sample her world-famous rice pudding.  It was nearly the perfect dessert.  (Mine had a tad too much cinnamon.)  There were other guests, but to be perfectly frank, or Steve, they were just assorted riff raff from Steiner Ranch.  Nice people, but a little boring.

In case you’re wondering, my latest masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, is quickly climbing up the charts.  Unfortunately, the record charts, which is a bit puzzling, but still pretty cool.  By the way, my second mystery, THE PIRATE PATH, which is dedicated to my father, has just been re-issued due to popular demand.  Talk about good timing!  In all seriousness, this was a lovely father’s day surprise for me.  You know, I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but my dad always hoped that his first son was a boy.  Which reminds me, do you know that my birthday is the same day as when I was born?  Amazing coincidence.

Speaking of giving birth…..  I’d like to send my love and best wishes to Laura Talbott and Kellie Hogan, two charming ladies who will soon have a special delivery to share with the world.  (Laura is using FedEx, Kellie is going with UPS)  Our thoughts and prayers are with you, ladies, so hang in there!  Hey, I have a question about the birth process…..  Does it take 18 months for TWINS to be born? Just curious.

Well, dear friends, I must leave you now.  I am watching the 2014 Brazil World Cup Soccer Tournament.  Unfortunately, the dumb announcer has not said which country is hosting the event, but it looks to be a South American venue.  Then again, it might be Arkansas.

Y’all have a marvelous day, think of how lucky we were to have such a special father in our lives, and enjoy your week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  As a super special Father’s Day treat, I am attaching a rare photograph from last week’s book signing in Austin, Texas.  We were astonished to discover that Robert Stroud’s children (Stroud was the “Birdman of Alcatraz) attended the event and allowed us to take a picture of them.  (They were “perched” in the front row.)  For contrast, I have included a photograph of some normal human beings.

 

 

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June 1, 2014

THE BIRTHDAY BOY!

Well, as many of you know, (since I have been sending out frequent reminders) last Thursday was my 39th birthday.  (In Texas, you’re allowed to celebrate any year you wish!)  A gentleman never mentions his age, but I am now old enough to order an alcoholic libation.  (At a senior center.)  I suppose I should be grateful that I am still, more or less, of sound mind and body.  Which reminds me…..  If my therapist says, “There’s really nothing more that I can do for you,” that means I’m cured, right?

By the way, I just read that a woman gives birth to a baby every 15 seconds in America.  Personally, I think they should find that woman and have a talk with her.  Just saying.

Did you know that 3 other famous people were born on May 29th?  Patrick Henry, Bob Hope, and JFK.  I don’t know what, if anything, they ever accomplished, but I do know that I was recently invited back for another interview on the “American Book Club!”  (The nationally syndicated program that follows “Imus In The Morning.”)  The good folks at KLRG in Tampa want to discuss THE SECOND MOURNING in another full-length format, which is truly a great honor for me.  I’d like to personally thank the host, Jack Drucker, for his continued interest and support.

I don’t know the exact date yet, but I promise to keep you abreast.  (Or, if you prefer, a leg or wing.)  As they say in sniper school, we aim to please!  Speaking of schools…..  my new non-fiction book (THE SECOND MOURNING) is currently under consideration at several prominent universities.  What are they considering?  Whether or not the book should be added to their “Recommended Reading” list!  (Two of the schools are in the Ivy League!  I will refrain from making any jokes about poison ivy.)

Did you notice that Harvard, Yale, and other major colleges have recently announced another tuition increase?  Believe it or not, the AVERAGE cost of a 4-year college education at a private university in now…..  $125,000!  I should mention that this figure does not include books, food, lodging, alcohol, drugs, or birth control devices.  Dude, what a ripoff!  When I attended the Dodge City School of Taxidermy & Chiropractic Medicine tuition was only $350 per semester.  (Embalming fluids were extra.)

What is this country coming to?  When I was a boy, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, and a dozen eggs.  You can’t do that now…  too many damn security cameras!

Before I take my leave (which is what Adam said to Eve) I would like to remind you that I will be at a major book-signing and self-adoration event this coming Friday, June 6th.  The event will take place at 7 p.m. down at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd.  Please feel free to bring your family and friends and some hard currency.  Also, somebody should call Mrs. Barbara Talbott to remind her of the date and time.  (I’ve already sent 10 emails.)

In closing, I would like to leave you with some wise words from Albert Einstein, the owner (I think) of Einstein Bagels…..  “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”  I wonder if he was referring to mystery authors?  Hmmm.

Have a safe and wonderful week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff