July 27, 2014

BACK IN BUSINESS!

Monkey business, that is! As some of you know, I taught various communication courses at St. Edward’s University in Austin for about 7 years, and every so often, I still participate in “relationship seminars,” which are designed to improve communication between couples and promote marital bliss. (Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise!) Well, this year I brought my wife to a seminar, and after 37 years of marriage, I learned some new things about the old girl…..

First, I learned that I had indeed married “MRS. RIGHT.” What I didn’t know, but soon learned, was that her first name was “ALWAYS!” Second, I learned that my darling wife enjoys “romance” in the morning. (Right after I go to work!) Third, I learned that my wife simply desires a man who’s loyal, faithful, patient, attentive, forgiving, even-tempered, and a good listener. (What she really needs is a dog!)

After the seminar, we drove down to Port Aransas, a lovely town on the Texas Gulf Coast. They have a great beach, but surprisingly, there were turtle nests all along the shore. They’re interesting to observe, but they make a mess of your tires. Fortunately, the turtles are on the endangered species list. Every so often a mama turtle tries to crawl into the dunes to lay her eggs, but sometimes they run out of gas. In that instance, she has to stop at a “Shell station.” Hey, I just thought of something….. If a turtle breaks down on the beach, would that be considered a “reptile dysfunction?”

Speaking of dysfunctions…..

A word about the DEMOCRAT PARTY… President Obama’s approval rating has fallen to 35% The drug-addicted mayor of Toronto has an approval rating of 45% Do you realize what this means? People would rather smoke crack than sign up for Obamacare!

A word about the REPUBLICAN PARTY… The President is demanding that Congress do something about the Minimum Wage. If there is one group of people who know something about doing the Minimum for their Wage, it’s definitely Congress!

A word about the PREGNANT PARTY… I hear that Miss Kellie (Judge Susan’s daughter) had a lovely baby shower. Why the baby needed a shower is beyond me, but what do I know? (Not much.) Hey, do you think they have baby showers in Bath, England? Anyway, we wish Miss Kellie the very best and we are looking forward to meeting her clean little darling in a month or two.

Finally, I would like to say a word about my first 3 mystery novels (The Graceland Gang, The Pirate Path, and Devil’s Cove.) I would also like to mention my non-ficiton masterpiece, The Second Mourning. Never mind. That would be tacky. Simply a cheap and under-handed way to get my blog followers to think of my books, and perhaps, if they had the time and wherewithal, order a copy or two from Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, or Nook. I refuse to stoop to such dastardly depths of depravity! (By the way, the books can also be purchased at BookPeople in Austin.)

Well, now that my moral compass is pointing in the right direction, I must leave you for a gourmet breakfast/pool party on the veranda! My daughter Rebecca and her boyfriend Peter are on their way to Villa Yanoff for a traditional New York Sunday Morning Feast! (Bagels, lox, and cream cheese!) Yummy in my tummy! Luckily, they are also bringing Madame Romy. Who might this be? Check out the attached photograph that I have hopefully managed to include….. Have a great week….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

July 13, 2014

SUMMER IN THE CITY…..

HOT TOWN, SUMMER IN THE CITY. BACK OF MY NECK GETTING DIRTY AND GRITTY….. Hey, I remember that song! It wasn’t written about Austin, Texas, but it could have been. Actually, it was about New York City, penned by John Sebastian and recorded by the Lovin’ Spoonful in 1966. (I hate to admit it, but I graduated from high school in 1967!) So how hot is it down here in the Lone Star State?

The Jehovah Witnesses have started telemarketing!

Congress has installed a fan in the debt ceiling!

I caught a FRIED catfish in Lake Travis! (Now that’s hot!)

Speaking of Lake Travis, my semi-brilliant mystery, DEVIL’S COVE, has recently been named as one of the Top Ten Mysteries of the Year by the Albany (N.Y.) Times Union newspaper. There was no cash award (darn it!) but it’s still a wonderful honor and one that is greatly appreciated. The book is now on its third printing, so if you haven’t been able to obtain a copy, now’s your chance. He who hesitates is lost!

Incidentally, I would like to thank Ms. Emily Garrison for all of her hard work in reference to typing and blocking mystery number four, RANSOM ON THE RHONE. The next “Adam Gold Mystery” will be published sometime in the fall, and this one takes place mostly in France. (Hence the title) The book was originally titled “Life On The Mississippi,” but the publisher thought it was a little long and a somewhat confusing. (What do they know?)

And since we’re on the subject of publishing, I recently read some interesting things in our local newspaper….. The finals of the World Cup (Germany vs. Argentina) might attract the largest television audience in history! I’ve never seen any of the World Cups, but I did meet Dolly Parton when I went to Pigeon Forge. (This would be a visual joke!) ….. Our current immigration crisis means no more Olympic teams from Central America. (All of their citizens who can run, jump, and swim are coming to America!) ….. The Republicans have chosen Cleveland as the site of their next national convention. The Democrats are looking at Baghdad, Gaza City, and Chicago. (The first two are getting the most votes!)

Last night was “Pool Party Number 200,” and a great time was had by all. We dined on grilled mahi-mahi, shrimp, fresh salads, and sushi. Our creative host (Me) prepared a large batch of homemade sangria, and lo and behold, every drop was consumed by our prestigious (and thirsty) guests. Nude bathing was kept to a “bare minimum,” but that’s the last time I send out invitations with a “clothing optional” message. (Don’t ask where I dropped a hot shrimp. And NO jokes about shrimps of any kind!)

Jeez, I’ve heard of THE SECOND MOURNING, but not THE FIRST SCALDING!

Well, my dear friends, I must leave thee now. Time to head for a late breakfast and some homemade biscuits. (I would like to thank Miss Rebecca Yanoff for supplying the Colorado honey and Chokecherry Jelly . (The actual name!) I can’t wait to gouge myself, I mean, gorge myself with these goodies. In the meantime, you folks take good care of yourselves, don’t worry about me over-eating, and have a great week!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

July 6, 2014

THE RETURN OF CAPTAIN KIDDER!

I am happy to report that the infamous pirate/punster (Captain Kidder) and his female accomplice and first mate (Poker Patty) have returned to port… (we found a bottle in our luggage!) After we consume the port, our intention is to unpack, which might take some doing after logging 3,545 miles on our recent book tour/family visitation/Caribbean voyage. Nonetheless, somebody has to do it, so it mighty as well be Patty. (I only handle booty…. no jokes, please!)

All in all, it was a remarkable venture, which began in Austin and continued east, with stops in Delray Beach, Boca Raton, Fort Lauderdale, Eleuthera (Bahamas), Jamaica, Cayman Island, Cozumel (Mexico), and then up through the Florida Straights to Miami. Whew, what a trip! Too much food and drink, but just the right amount of Texas Hold ‘Em Poker. (We won enough loot to fill a small treasure chest, or Dolly Parton’s bra.) Incredibly, the seas were almost flat (no more bra jokes, please) and every day was sunny and warm. Needless to say, we got very lucky. (And missed Hurricane Arthur!)

While each day brought new adventures, some events were truly memorable….. For instance, I learned that the good folks of Jamaica, in preparation for my arrival, named a culinary dish after me. It’s called “Jerk Chicken,” and just like its namesake, it is hot and spicy, and easier to swallow with a hefty dose of rum. When we reached the Cayman Islands, we saw the maritime version of that movie about Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. (JERSEY BUOYS) After a glass or two of tequila, (in Cozumel) I actually tripped over the Captain’s Log! (What was he doing on the bridge?)

The highlight of our trip was meeting new people and making friends with some wonderful folks from all over America….. Kathy & Ernie from Naples, Beth and her hard-working hubby from Illinois, Susan and James from Florida, Jeanie & Carl from Michigan, and the list goes on and on…… (please forgive me if I left your name out!) Like I said, the best parts of travel always include the amazing, unselfish, hard-working, honest, loyal, and intelligent citizens that you meet. What a blessing to live in a country with so many wonderful human beings!

Which reminds me….. Happy Birthday, America! (You still look great for your age!) We celebrated part of the Fourth by drinking some fine Caribbean rum in a famous water-side tavern…. a tavern that was once frequented by Captain Kidd. (The tavern was mentioned in my second mystery, THE PIRATE PATH) I was surprised to learn that some Caribbean bars actually charge you for resting your fists on the bar while you’re drinking! Imagine my surprise when they handed me a….. “Bar Knuckle Bill!” (Hey, they don’t call me Captain Kidder for nothin’!)

Well, mates, I must leave thee now….. time to return to the mundane world of law and order… and a different set of bills. (Electric, gas, water, etc.) If you get a chance, check out the new reviews for THE SECOND MOURNING which have been posted on Amazon.com Thanks for your continued support, and please continue to spread the word about the book… I may need bail money for my next voyage! (Especially if I don’t get some new material!)

Have yourself a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

June 22, 2014

THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!

Following in the footsteps of the great Spanish explorer, Ponce de Leon, (who was NOT related to Leon Redbone or Leon Spinks) I have come to the Sunshine State (Florida) in pursuit of a magical elixir! (Rum and tequila.) I am delighted to report that I have discovered vast quantities of both! From what I remember, there are no impending shortages on the horizon. Of course, the horizon was a little blurry at the time, so I might be overly optimistic. Which reminds me, my uncle was an optimist. He sold eyeglasses at the mall, but he missed a lot of work because he had an eye problem. (He just couldn’t see coming to work.) On second thought, he might have been an optometrist. In any case, he had to quit, because he was starting to envision optical delusions.

As you may have surmised, I am still consuming alcoholic libations, but my true goal this trip is pursuing fame and fortune, and a bronze-colored body. (Not necessarily my own, either!) Thus far, we are off to a good start. I am traveling with my semi-domesticated partner, and the weather could not be better. We spent the morning at nude beach (by accident) and we both felt quite uncomfortable. The wife is from Texas, and she thought the sign said “DUDE Beach.”) She was wrong. I, being the courteous type, asked the lady sitting next to me if I was making her uncomfortable by not wearing a swimsuit. She replied, “No, it’s no big thing!”

Needless to say, she ruined my morning, but I got over it. (I consoled myself with a pastrami sandwich from the Flakowitz Deli. Accompanied by a Dr. Brown black cherry soda.) Life is good.

I may have mentioned this already, but I have recently been invited for another interview on the National Book Club Radio Program. The host, Jack Drucker, wants to have a chat about THE SECOND MOURNING, and I am very pleased and honored to return as a guest. My first appearance resulted in a surge of book sales and some very interesting speaking invitations. We are tentatively scheduled to conduct the interview in mid-August, and I will keep you informed of any changes, and provide the exact broadcast time when it becomes available.

In the meantime, I will be doing some “Caribbean research” for the movie version of THE PIRATE PATH. After our stop in Florida, we are heading down to Jamaica, the Cayman Islands, and Cozumel. I know what you’re thinking. How do I handle the intense pressure? How can one man survive the trials and tribulations of becoming a literary beach bum? How does this fellow avoid a full-scale investigation by the I.R.S.? (Would you believe I’m friends with Lois Lerner?) On second thought, maybe that was Lois Lane.

Well, I must leave you now, mainly because the boss wants me to clean my room before we head out for some snorkeling. I told her that I have ADCD, but she doesn’t believe me. In case you’re curious, ADCD is Attention Deficit Cleaning Disorder. Every time I start to clean up, I realize that my efforts are futile, and I’m compelled to lay down and take a nap. This is usually followed by a violent headache. (Caused by a hard strike to the head.) One of these days…..

All right, gang, I’m outta here. Please have a safe and wonderful week, and keep those cards and letters coming. The next time you hear from me, I shall be sailing through the Caribbean, bound for ports unknown. (Thank God I love port!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

June 15, 2014

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

I think it would be fitting and appropriate to begin today’s blog by wishing all of you fathers out there a Happy Father’s Day. For those of you who live abroad (that would be overseas, not as a woman) I should explain that today is the day when American children honor their dads by giving them the most useless gifts they can find. These gifts usually include, but are not limited to, horrible ties, boxer shorts, heavy metal or rap music, and the always welcomed photo of your children looking like they have just posted bail.

Since I was my dad’s favorite (or one of them) I have fond memories of this uniquely American holiday. If it was a warm June day, my dad would take me to Jones Beach on Long Island and we would do fun things together. Just the two of us. For instance we might play an abbreviated version of hide and seek. (I would hide, but he wouldn’t look for me.) Sometimes he would bury me up to the neck in sand, but he always came back the following weekend to dig me up. (The only negative thing about this game were those pesky high tides.) On clear days we would walk up and down the beach, and my pop would encourage me to collect some seashells, and as many Portuguese Men of War as I could hold. Gosh, those were swell times. (Some of the swells were over my head!)

Speaking of the Portuguese….. Last night was my sixth birthday celebration, this one hosted by the Princess of Portugal and her hubby, Baron Lee. (We do at least six parties to make sure we get things right!) We were all delightfully surprised to encounter Countess Connie at the event. Even more surprised to sample her world-famous rice pudding. It was nearly the perfect dessert. (Mine had a tad too much cinnamon.) There were other guests, but to be perfectly frank, or Steve, they were just assorted riff raff from Steiner Ranch. Nice people, but a little boring.

In case you’re wondering, my latest masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, is quickly climbing up the charts. Unfortunately, the record charts, which is a bit puzzling, but still pretty cool. By the way, my second mystery, THE PIRATE PATH, which is dedicated to my father, has just been re-issued due to popular demand. Talk about good timing! In all seriousness, this was a lovely father’s day surprise for me. You know, I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but my dad always hoped that his first son was a boy. Which reminds me, do you know that my birthday is the same day as when I was born? Amazing coincidence.

Speaking of giving birth….. I’d like to send my love and best wishes to Laura Talbott and Kellie Hogan, two charming ladies who will soon have a special delivery to share with the world. (Laura is using FedEx, Kellie is going with UPS) Our thoughts and prayers are with you, ladies, so hang in there! Hey, I have a question about the birth process….. Does it take 18 months for TWINS to be born? Just curious.

Well, dear friends, I must leave you now. I am watching the 2014 Brazil World Cup Soccer Tournament. Unfortunately, the dumb announcer has not said which country is hosting the event, but it looks to be a South American venue. Then again, it might be Arkansas.

Y’all have a marvelous day, think of how lucky we were to have such a special father in our lives, and enjoy your week. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. As a super special Father’s Day treat, I am attaching a rare photograph from last week’s book signing in Austin, Texas. We were astonished to discover that Robert Stroud’s children (Stroud was the “Birdman of Alcatraz) attended the event and allowed us to take a picture of them. (They were “perched” in the front row.) For contrast, I have included a photograph of some normal human beings.

June 8, 2014

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER!

Yes, this happens to be the title of a wonderful film about the Titanic. (1958) And yes, it is also the title of a short article about my honeymoon. (1978) However, I am not referring to either of these remarkable events, but rather to the hugely successful book signing event that occurred last Friday evening. (Still, I find it somewhat amusing that the Titanic went down in water, and I went down in flames!) Where was I? Oh yes, the book signing…..

Well, as expected, we had a standing-room only crowd. (They forgot to put out chairs.) Just kidding, there were plenty of chairs and lots of folks. In fact, I was told by the book store staff that we had one of the larger crowds of the year! I would like to thank each and every person who came downtown on a busy Friday night to attend this special event. It was so great to see all of my family and friends, and some not-so-well disguised reps from Murder Ink Press and Penguin Books lurking behind some shelves. (These two rascals are the co-publishers of my books.)

For those who missed the gala event, you can watch the entire show on PBS this Sunday night. I’m not sure what time it will air, but I think it will follow an intriguing Bill Moyers documentary about Indonesian sea sponges and the effect they are having on global warming. Speaking of sponges…… I just read that the original Bergdahl swap included Joe Biden. (The Taliban said no!) Poor Joe. He recently offered to escort a young lady to the senior prom, but her father nixed the offer. (He didn’t know what Joe Biden did for a living!)

Frankly, most folks don’t know what I do for a living. Neither do I, but it seems to be working. My intention is to live forever, or die trying. Accordingly, I have recently signed my fifth book contract with the good folks at Murder Ink Press. They will be publishing the 4th “Adam Gold Mystery” sometime in late August or early September. The book is titled “RANSOM ON THE RHONE” and it takes place in Europe! (Mainly in England and France) The story involves the theft of a priceless tapestry, and the pre-reviews have been outstanding, so I think you guys are really going to enjoy this one. I will keep you “in the loop” as they say at the Hula Hoop factory.

Meanwhile, I am happy to report that the gift shop at the Elvis Presley Center in Tupelo has asked for more copies of THE GRACELAND GANG. As some of you know, I met with the folks who run the place and they generously offered to sell my book at the gift shop. (Fifty-fifty split on the proceeds.) Some of my blog followers have asked to see a photo or two from my trip to Tupelo, so I have attached some photographs of me wandering around the grounds. (NOTE: The small white shack is the actual home where Elvis Presley was born!) I hope you enjoy the photos, and I promise to post some more from time to time.

The next book tour on the agenda involves the Caribbean, and I will reveal some interesting details about our trip next Sunday. Tonight marks the official start of “Pool Season” down here in Texas, so I must take my leave to check on the beer and tequila supply. (My wife drinks a lot.) My mother-in-law loved soda. She once drank Canada Dry, but that’s a long story. (They got over it!) So….. until next Sunday…… take care and have a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

P.S. I would like to thank Judge Susan for NOT asking me about Angelina Jolie during the Q & A session on Friday night. (Brad is really the pits!)

June 1, 2014

THE BIRTHDAY BOY!

Well, as many of you know, (since I have been sending out frequent reminders) last Thursday was my 39th birthday. (In Texas, you’re allowed to celebrate any year you wish!) A gentleman never mentions his age, but I am now old enough to order an alcoholic libation. (At a senior center.) I suppose I should be grateful that I am still, more or less, of sound mind and body. Which reminds me….. If my therapist says, “There’s really nothing more that I can do for you,” that means I’m cured, right?

By the way, I just read that a woman gives birth to a baby every 15 seconds in America. Personally, I think they should find that woman and have a talk with her. Just saying.

Did you know that 3 other famous people were born on May 29th? Patrick Henry, Bob Hope, and JFK. I don’t know what, if anything, they ever accomplished, but I do know that I was recently invited back for another interview on the “American Book Club!” (The nationally syndicated program that follows “Imus In The Morning.”) The good folks at KLRG in Tampa want to discuss THE SECOND MOURNING in another full-length format, which is truly a great honor for me. I’d like to personally thank the host, Jack Drucker, for his continued interest and support.

I don’t know the exact date yet, but I promise to keep you abreast. (Or, if you prefer, a leg or wing.) As they say in sniper school, we aim to please! Speaking of schools….. my new non-fiction book (THE SECOND MOURNING) is currently under consideration at several prominent universities. What are they considering? Whether or not the book should be added to their “Recommended Reading” list! (Two of the schools are in the Ivy League! I will refrain from making any jokes about poison ivy.)

Did you notice that Harvard, Yale, and other major colleges have recently announced another tuition increase? Believe it or not, the AVERAGE cost of a 4-year college education at a private university in now….. $125,000! I should mention that this figure does not include books, food, lodging, alcohol, drugs, or birth control devices. Dude, what a ripoff! When I attended the Dodge City School of Taxidermy & Chiropractic Medicine tuition was only $350 per semester. (Embalming fluids were extra.)

What is this country coming to? When I was a boy, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, and a dozen eggs. You can’t do that now… too many damn security cameras!

Before I take my leave (which is what Adam said to Eve) I would like to remind you that I will be at a major book-signing and self-adoration event this coming Friday, June 6th. The event will take place at 7 p.m. down at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd. Please feel free to bring your family and friends and some hard currency. Also, somebody should call Mrs. Barbara Talbott to remind her of the date and time. (I’ve already sent 10 emails.)

In closing, I would like to leave you with some wise words from Albert Einstein, the owner (I think) of Einstein Bagels….. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” I wonder if he was referring to mystery authors? Hmmm.

Have a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 25, 2014

LEST WE FORGET…..

TOMORROW IS MEMORIAL DAY! That being the case, I would like to start with a huge THANK YOU to all who have served in our nation’s military. We appreciate your service to our country and I salute you for your efforts to keep us free. God bless each and every one of you! I don’t know if I ever mentioned it, but my father was in the Army Air Corps during World War II. Airman Yanoff flew across the Atlantic Ocean on a B-24 (a rare event at the time) and served as a tail-gunner during the campaign in North Africa.

I used to kid my father about the first 3 aircraft he shot down. I told him that he would have gotten a medal if they hadn’t been BRITISH aircraft! He would laugh, and then tell me that he might have gotten a medal AND a promotion if they had been FRENCH aircraft! Like most men who served back then, he had a sense of humor about his experience, but was also very proud of his involvement.

Thanks to Sgt. Max Talbott, I received a long-overdue medal for “good conduct” from the U.S. Air Force. (I tried to enlist, but failed the entrance exam.) I received the medal (after a 30-year wait) because I returned the test pencil! Better late than never. Not to brag, but I once worked for the Salvation Army. I was stationed in Times Square, and if I remember correctly, I raised quite a bit of money. (Of which I only kept half.) Hard service, but somebody had to do it.

In case you’re wondering, our Friday night food festival was a big success. We had the pleasure of entertaining the Princess of Portugal and her wealthy hubby, Baron Lee. Judge Susan was also in attendance, as well as some uninvited guests….. which brings us to the main course….. roast COATIMUNDI! (A truly amazing delicacy from South America.) Trust me, you haven’t dined lavishly until you’ve eaten a ring-tailed Coati with fried onion rings. After dinner, we watched “Fiddler On The Roof,” which seemed oddly appropriate, since that is where we caught the main course.

If I sound like I’m rambling, it’s because I’ve only had one cup of coffee. Still, I think I’ve discovered a Sunday morning pattern….. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Yes, these are the five stages of waking up! What a gift to be young (?) and talented! Reminds me of an old adage….. “Talent is good. Practice is better. Passion is best.” Frank Lloyd Wright said that, he knew about talent. He and his brothers, Orville and Wilbur invented the first airplane….. the one that flew at Kitty Wells.

In closing, I would like to thank all of my blog followers for supporting my recent literary effort. (THE SECOND MOURNING) I have been fortunate to receive some excellent reviews, but I am fully prepared for a bad review! If and when I receive some unkind words, I shall order the following license plate for that mean old person….. are you ready?

How do you like this plate? 370HSSV

To get the full effect, you must read the plate upside down!

Yes, I know, talent on loan from God! Have a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 18, 2014

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN NON-FICTION, TOO!

BELIEVE IT OR NOT….. 3 days after the publication of my first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, (The True Story of President Garfield’s assassination) thieves broke into Garfield’s tomb in Cleveland, Ohio!! No joking. Vandals shattered a window to get inside a 180-foot-tall monument at Lakeview Cemetery in Cleveland Heights!

Interestingly, Garfield’s casket is the ONLY Presidential casket on full display for the public to view. (He’s buried beside his wife, Lucretia.) The thieves stole some silver spoons from a glass display case, but they were not able to reach the coffins. They couldn’t have lifted them out anyway. Too much dead weight. (Ouch!)

In case you’re wondering, I had NOTHING to do with the break-in, and furthermore, I have an air-tight alibi. Still, you have to admit that the timing is a little suspicious. Book comes out, grave robbers go in. Hmmm.

I’d like to thank my friend, and poker buddy, Kevin Evans, for sending me the link about the break-in. If you want to read the full story, just go to: http://www.foxnews.com (Published on 5/11/14.)

Incidentally, I am happy to report that THE SECOND MOURNING has sold over 300 copies on Amazon.com alone! (Not counting Kindle and Nook.) I’d like to thank all of my blog followers who have purchased a book, and please remember that anyone who buys 3 or more copies can audition for the movie role of Charles Guiteau. (The deranged psychopath who shot Garfield.) Yeah, I know. They don’t make guys like me anymore.

Speaking of rare guys… I’d like to say “top o’ the mornin'” to my good friend Max Talbott (and his lovely lass, Barbara) who are presently vacationing in Ireland. They are having a grand time, but Max got into a little trouble in Belfast. Apparently, he walked into a bank and inquired about opening an I.R.A. (I think they’ve been outlawed. So has Max.)

My wife’s maiden name was McCloskey, and she told me that she was recently at an authentic Irish wedding where the M.C. made the following announcement: “Would all the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living.” (The bartender was almost crushed to death!) And since we’re on the subject of crushes, please remember that if you love books (or me) you are invited to attend a gala book signing event on Friday, June 6, at 7 p.m. The event will be held at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd. (Next to Whole Foods.) Free admission, free parking, free porches. (Just kidding about the cars.)

By the way, I’m sorry this blog came out a little late today, but I just got back from another wild weekend in Boerne, Texas. My brother-in-law, Tim McCloskey was celebrating his 60th birthday, so he and the lovely Miss Hannah threw a lavish party at their one-of-a-kind ranch. Unfortunately for me, they had some authentic “moonshine,” which tasted mighty smooth going down, but it had a bit of a kick. (From what I recall, it was a very long night.)

In closing, I would like to mention a new survey that said that 55 percent of Americans think they are smarter than the “average American.” Damn, that’s almost half. The same study indicated that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. (They’re called Liberal Arts Majors.) Well, have a safe and prosperous week! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 11, 2014

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY….. MAY 11, 2014…..

WELL, IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN… Time to send my beloved mother a note of congratulations for giving birth to me. Last year we took my mom to a gourmet luncheon at MacDonald’s, but since she had gained a few pounds, she got stuck between the arches. Needless to say, it was NOT a “happy meal.” This year we sent some Omaha steaks. Well, actually it was ground beef, but I think she’ll like it. Hey, you can’t eat flowers. Is it any wonder that I’m her favorite un-incarcerated son?

Since we’re discussing “pick of the litter,” I am happy to report that the “dogs of war” have been returned to their rightful owners. Yep, we finally got rid of Romy and Baker, the dynamic duo of dirty dogs that we were dog-sitting last week. And not a moment too soon, I might add. Romy, as you might recall, is a labradoodle puppy. (i.e., a furry chewing and chomping machine.) That mutt left her teeth marks on all of my furniture and some of my private parts, too! (Let’s not go there.) I LOVE dogs, but after 3 days with Romy, I did something awful. (I tried to sell her on eBay. Naturally, nobody bit…. except Romy.) By the end of the week, I was searching for labradoodle recipes! (Hey, isn’t that where the term “hot dog” comes from?)

Don’t worry, both dogs were returned unscathed. (Which is more than I can say for my couch and crotch!) In the end, I came away with a new appreciation and understanding of….. cats! It may be a dog eat dog world, but from now on I’m sticking with felines! (or clotheslines.)

I am also happy to report that copies of THE SECOND MOURNING are literally flying off the shelves. (Especially in earthquake zones.) If you purchase a copy and would like an autograph, just let me know, and we can work something out. And please don’t forget to leave a nice review on Amazon.com when you’re finished reading… my mother will be very pleased. (as well as my publisher.)

On a personal note or two, I would like to say “Happy Birthday” to my brother-in-law, Tim McCloskey. (I’m not allowed to mention his age, but….. he’s kind of old. His first homeowner’s policy covered fire, theft, and Indian raids! He remembers when Howard Johnson only had two flavors! He was around when Burger King was a prince! Well, you get the picture.)

I’d also like to thank Helena, Princess of Portugal (And her husband Viscount Lee) for another splendid feast, this one celebrating the release of THE SECOND MOURNING and the guest appearance of the lovely “Miss Julieta.” Both were sweet, strong, and intoxicating!

In closing, I would like to remind you that you and yours are invited to join the fun at my upcoming Austin book signing and wet t-shirt contest. (Just kidding about the t-shirt thing.) The gala event will be held on Friday, June 6, at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd. Show time is 7 p.m. (The bookstore is right beside Whole Foods, which might be a good place to dine before the show begins. They have lots of free parking.) I hope to see you there!

Well, I must take my leave… time to consume some biscuits and honey. Remember not to take life too seriously. (after all, it’s not like you’re getting out alive!) Still, we should all make an effort to take care of our planet. (Earth is the only place that has chocolate!) Have a safe and wonderful week….. Love to all….

Doc Yanoff